


When this Cruel War is Over

by ink_hart



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adorable Cullen, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Cullen, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Trauma, Complicated Relationships, Cullen Rutherford Smut, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Female Character of Color, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hate to Love, Language, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Minor Original Character(s), Nightmares, Nugs, One Night Stands, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Cullen Rutherford, POV Female Character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sassy Inquisitor, Spoilers, Triggers, as pets, because why not, inquisition horses get names, retelling of canon events, they deserve them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:05:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 69
Words: 325,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6222988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ink_hart/pseuds/ink_hart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At best they were combustible, at worst, well...there's a reason its called an inferno. And they were going it just the two of them; a Mage and a former Templar sent together to parlay for the Inquisition at Redcliffe and Therinfal. It wouldn't be the trip of a lifetime for either, but it very well could just start the journey of a lifetime for both.  </p><p>Retelling of In Hushed Whispers and Champions of the Just plus the main storyline. Game dialogue will be used when necessary and there is some canon divergence. Sunday updates for chapters. My first ever fanfic so I hope ya'll enjoy!<br/>[Chapters NSFW / trigger warnings marked at the beginning]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long beginning, sorry! I've been waiting to post this for a while. Anyways hope you enjoy, whoever is reading this! Starts out a little dark (kind of abuse/torture triggers) just a heads up!

**Prologue**

_She jerks in her restraints, her tiny body trying to break free, the rope chafing her wrists and ankles. Beside her people move in the shadows, their voices muffled. She hears the lid of a jar opening and a wet, almost swampy smell invades her nostrils._

_"Are we ready to begin?"_

_A man’s voice low and solemn. Someone somewhere must have given the signal because suddenly hands are on her shoulders, pushing her down where she would try to rise up. Her breath comes in short, panicked pants. Sweat coats her brow and her mouth fills with the metallic taste of fear. No, please don't, mama I want my mama. She tries to speak but her lips won't move to form the words._

_A body appears in her peripheral vision next to her head. The man who'd spoken? She doesn't know. Everyone in this room is a stranger to her and they’re making her skin crawl._ _They stay back, cloaking their faces in darkness, whispering to each other. She tries to catch bits and pieces of their conversation but finds she cannot understand._

 _A hand comes down on her forehead its fingers steeling her head in place as she searches for whose touch it is. She lets loose a high keening noise, the sound an animal might make when it finds itself caught in a trap. A door opens somewhere close by and the sound of heels clicking on stone precedes the familiar scent of lavender that fills her nostrils._

_"Hush, this will all be over soon."_

_She chokes out a sob of relief. Her mother is here, her mother will protect her. But why then are her bonds not loosening? Why are her shoulders still digging in to the wood of the table beneath her?_

_"Mama? Mama, I want to get up," she croaks._ _Her mother does not answer and she begins to shake, her drumming heels tapping out a staccato rhythm against the table she's strapped to._

_"Do it now," her mother says quietly, detached._

_"_ _No please, mama, help me! Please don't do this. I'm sorry, I'll be good I promise I'll be good." She's crying now, her tears coursing wet and hot down her cheeks._

_No one answers her. Someone undoes the top few buttons of her nightgown and she flinches away. Something slimy and cold is placed on her chest. She breaks out in goose bumps as she feels it pulse on her skin. A sharp prick makes her gasp and she cranes her neck forward to see what the people in the room have done to her. It looks back at her though it has no eyes, it's mouth contracting as it feeds. She starts to scream_

**18 years later**

Shai hunched her shoulders on her way to the Chantry, ignoring the "Maker bless you Herald's" the townspeople of Haven threw at her as she passed. The wooden doors creaked as she pushed through them, the dim interior a sharp contrast to the bright sunlight outside.

Barely three months ago she'd been occupying a cell in this very building as the Inquisition's higher-ups decided what to do with her. It made her head spin how fast everyone had gone from calling for her head to kissing her arse for mending the tear in the sky. But then again, she'd been brought up to understand the fickleness of people, all the better with which to play The Game.

The only child--not to mention daughter--of Bann Ruston Trevelyan and his wife Cordelia, Shai had always been the center of attention as her parents--mostly her mother--groomed her to be the perfect jewel in their crown they could marry off to some well to do Lord. She'd been put through countless lessons, numerous pointless tasks all for nothing; once her Mage abilities surfaced it was goodbye to her family's estate and hello Circle life. 

Shai gave herself a mental shake. She needed to focus on the meeting at hand, especially with it being about the progress on retaining the Templars or Mages for the Inquisition's ally. She and her advisors had been going in circles for the past week and a half trying to figure out how to gain the cooperation of either faction. 

First they hadn't had enough influence then it turned into people on both sides digging their heels in about having to work closely with those from the other. The Templars didn't trust that the Herald of Andraste could possibly be a Mage--one trying to put the world back together no less--and the Mages didn't trust that the multiple Templars already at Haven wouldn't run them through on sight.

Shai had wanted to scream at how annoyingly tedious it was to sit in the war room and listen to hours upon hours of debates. Of course, she more than secretly sympathized with the Mages' concern over the Templars, especially after clearing out the Hinterlands and residing in a Circle for a good part of her life. Templars were not to be trusted...ever. 

That the Templars didn't want to work with her as a Mage really made no difference; she'd bitten her tongue in Val Royeaux to keep from telling the Lord Seeker he could go hang. The Mages would do for closing the Breach once they were assured--for the thousandth time--no harm would come to them at Haven. Shai, for one, didn't know how the Templars could even help; magic was needed for the Breach, not brute bullying strength. But every. Single. Time, she voiced how they should just pick the Mages and be done with it, one voice opposed her above all the rest. 

 _Cullen_ , she thought acerbically, _was the rock head of all rock heads_. The instant they'd first met on her way to the Breach he'd snapped at her over the soldiers lost as if she'd deliberately killed as many people as she could. She'd been speechless in the face of his anger but then picked up on the lyrium radiating from him and his instant animosity suddenly made perfect sense. That encounter had pretty much set the tone for their relationship going forward; there was no love lost, nor would there ever be, between the Herald and the Commander.

The door to the war room swung open as Shai pushed on the handle. Leliana nodded at her entry while Josephine gave a quick smile and bob of her head. Cassandra was standing with arms folded in her usual pose, but grunted in greeting. The only person who barely glanced up was--unsurprisingly--Cullen. Instead of the usual lip curl she reserved for the Commander's presence, Shai flashed a shit-eating grin his way. To his credit he barely flinched at her snarky expression, the skin tightening around his eyes and mouth the only outward indicators of his displeasure.  

"Good, now that we're all here we can begin. Herald I have once more been in contact with _both_ the Grand Enchanter and Lord Seeker." Josephine launched into the meeting. 

Shai exhaled forcefully. "Let me guess, neither side is budging anymore than they were the first time we talked to them." 

Josephine smiled somewhat sheepishly. "Unfortunately no. I've suggested they both send emissaries here to tour Haven but"--Josephine shrugged daintily--"I have yet to hear back on the matter."  

"Yeah you probably won't," Shai said drily, running a hand through her hair. "So why did I get a missive for a meeting? You made it sound like you had a possible solution?" 

Josephine and Leliana exchanged a look. 

" _Is_ there a solution?" Shai asked, not too keen on playing mind reader. 

"We believe we have come up with an appropriate one, yes," Leliana confirmed, face carefully composed. "How successful it will be remains to be seen but...it is our best option at this point." 

"A visit of good will to Redcliffe and Therinfal, Herald, is what we have decided upon," Josephine stated, tapping the tip of her quill emphatically against her writing pad. 

Shai nodded slowly as she pondered the Ambassador's words. That sounded smart and practical but she had a feeling there was a catch somewhere."That's it? Just visit the Templars and the Mages, have a few drinks with them, and come home?" 

Leliana cracked a minuscule smile at her jest as Josephine elaborated further. "Of course there would be more to the meeting than just a few drinks but yes that is more or less the point. And it is of the utmost importance that you be the one to go on this trip Herald but--"

Shai's eyes narrowed as the Ambassador let the rest of her sentence hang. 

"But...?" 

Josephine sighed and looked almost apologetic. "But while the Mages would be more than likely to listen to just you alone, the Templars...could pose a bit of an obstacle. So, we think the smartest course of action would be to send you, a Mage, with a Templar as demonstration of the Inquisition's unity. " 

Shai blinked dumbly. Ok, yes she held utter contempt for the Order and was truly not fond of any of its members, even those at Haven who had given her no cause for dislike thus far, but no one--and she meant no one--wanted the tidal wave of demons and rifts to stop more than she. The sooner the Breach was sealed the sooner she could put all this behind her. If that meant she'd have to suffer a Templar for a road trip buddy, so be it. She'd pack some flagons of wine and see herself through it.

"That sounds...fine. Who am I going with?" Shai asked glancing from Josephine to Leliana.

The Spymaster folded her hands behind her back and met Shai's inquisitive gaze head on."The greatest impact you could have on both sides would be for the Commander, as a former senior member of the Order, to accompany you. Not only does it show that you have overcome your different backgrounds but it will also drive home the point that a Templar and a Mage are at the front of the Inquisition working together." 

A resonating silence then: 

"WHAT?" 

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS?!" 

She and Cullen objected at the same time their eyes shifting to glare at each other before both of them looked to Josephine. Her travel with Cullen? Oh absolutely not! Any other Templar she could handle, any other but him. She looked back at the Commander to see his brows slammed into a frown while he gripped the pommel of his sword so tightly he was apt to snap it clean off.

"There's no way that will work," Shai vetoed, crossing her arms tightly. "No way in hell."

The Herald and Commander were insufferable together. During one heated war room meeting, Josephine had to call for a ten minute recess so both parties could cool down when Shai and Cullen were literally a hairs breadth away from the other's throat! If the table hadn't been separating them...surely Leliana was joking. Shai said as much but the Spymaster's lips only thinned in response and now she understood Josephine's apologetic look earlier. 

"Please do tell me exactly how we're going to come across as a united front that's put aside its differences when we can barely stand to be in the same room together?" Shai demanded.

Cullen made a concurring noise but she ignored him, waiting for Josephine to realize just how bad a plan this was and say she'd try and hammer another one out. But the Ambassador only shook her head. 

"I'm sorry Herald. As it is, you and the Commander stand the best chance of securing a possible alliance from either side." 

"Will others be accompanying us?" Shai grated out through clenched teeth. Josephine solemnly shook her head. 

"Fuck me proper," Shai muttered.

While Redcliffe was but a few days ride away, Therinfal would take nearly a week to reach, not to mention having to rub elbows with the occupants of each hold until they were satisfied, and then the return trip. Overall Shai was thinking a month on the road, which meant a month she'd be spending solely in the presence of Cullen with no other buffers. The grim, appalled look on his face made clear he had come to the same conclusion. 

"However, there will be a forward camp between Therinfal and Redcliffe where you can restock on supplies and send any reports you may need to. I've marked its location on the map." Leliana gestured to the war table where a lone, yellow marker resided, its cheerful color seeming to mock the gravity of the situation.  

"When do we leave?" Shai sighed in defeat. 

"Tomorrow morning, the earlier the better. As soon as you return here we can begin the process of selecting which side would be most beneficial." 

"The Templars are by far the more stable choice," Cullen declared blatantly, his eyes boring into Shai’s daring her to challenge him. 

"Because the Order we ran into at Val Royeaux just oozed confidence and stability," Shai retorted, crossing her arms and steeling her shoulders, ready to do battle. Cassandra made a disgusted noise at the start of another infamous argument. 

"At least with the Templars we don't have to worry about abominations or possessions," Cullen stated matter of factly. 

"Oh yes, I'd much rather worry about any Mages here randomly turning up tranquil once the Templars show up!" Shai leaned forward to brace herself on the war table. Cullen imitated her stance, his ridiculous fur mantle stirring as he too planted his hands on the flat plane of wood between them, the air crackling with tension. 

"Well I think we've covered everything!" Josephine clapped her hands together louder than necessary, effectively putting an end to the budding argument. Shai straightened, giving Cullen a murderous look. He huffed disdainfully but nodded stiffly to the room before departing. 

"Always a pleasure, _Commander_ ," Shai sneered as he passed her, putting an extra bite on his title. Cullen acted like he hadn't heard her, though she watched his shoulders hunch slightly at her tone. The rest of the occupants exited and headed to their respective areas with Shai making a beeline for the tavern. 

If ever there was a time she needed a strong drink it was now. She pushed open the door to The Singing Maiden, welcoming the smoky interior. Maryden was singing the final note to one of her songs and a couple hoots followed her performance from some of the tavern's drunker patrons. 

"Boss! Hey boss, over here!" 

Shai turned and spied Iron Bull sitting at a table tucked into the corner with Varric beside him and Sera across from them. Weaving through the patrons Shai dropped onto the bench between the Qunari and the dwarf, gratefully accepting the brimming mug of ale Bull pushed into her hand. 

"Thanks," she said before tipping her head back and chugging a fair portion of her drink. She set it down with a clunk and avoided Varric's eyes as he looked at her amusedly. 

"Something eating you Flash?" 

Shai grunted in response and he laughed. 

"That bad is it? C'mon, you can tell us." 

"Yeah what's up your arse?" Sera chimed in, hiccuping a bit. Shai noted the four empty mugs in front of the rogue and quirked an eyebrow at Bull who held up his hands in surrender. 

"Don't look at me. I told her to slow down." 

"Bugger off. I'm grown aren't I? S'not so bad." Sera swayed slightly in her seat and went a bit cross eyed for a second before blinking rapidly to refocus her eyes. Shai knew full well Sera would be passed out under their table shortly and suspected she might just have to follow the rogue's lead in preparation for tomorrow. Speaking of, Varric nudged her shoulder inclining his head to remind her of his earlier question. 

"So?" He prompted, taking a drink of his own ale. 

"Soooooo they're sending me to meet with the Mages and Templars and convince them they can work together, whichever side we end up choosing," Shai summarized.

Varric looked at her in confusion. "That's it? That's why you look so mad? Because they're sending you on a trip?" 

"No that's not it," she grumbled. "It's who they're sending with me." 

"And that would be...?" Bull asked while simultaneously signaling for another round of drinks. 

"Cullen," Shai mumbled into her mug before draining the rest of her ale. An appreciative silence followed her statement broken only by the sounds of the tavern around them.

"Well...shit." Varric finally said.

"Yeah no kidding," Shai huffed as she accepted one of the four mugs a waitress dropped off at their table; her companions were more than aware of her ongoing feud with the Commander.  

"But they're sending people with you, right?" Bull asked, his eyebrows shooting up. 

Shai raised her mug and chugged nearly her entire drink this time by way of answer. The Qunari shook his head and gave her a sympathetic clap on the back that caused her to choke and sputter on her drink. 

"Sorry about that," he apologized as Shai wiped a sleeve roughly across her mouth. 

"It's alright," she coughed, pounding a fist against her chest as she cleared her throat. 

"And I'm sorry about the whole Cullen thing too," he rumbled.  

Shai waved a hand dismissively not wanting to have to dwell on her upcoming departure in the morning. "It's whatever. I'd rather not have to think about it right now." 

Bull and Varric nodded while Sera almost lost the battle to stay upright, coming dangerously close to falling over before catching herself last minute. She giggled at her near miss and grabbed for another mug, sloshing some of its contents down her front before she got it to her mouth. 

"Doing alright there?" Shai asked barely hiding her laughter. Sera blinked at her owlishly. 

"Doing fine your lady bits. Why d'you ask?" 

Varric chuckled as Sera slid forward and almost face planted into the table before jerking backwards right before impact. Shai rolled her eyes good-humoredly and turned to her two less inebriated companions. 

"Anyone up for a game of Wicked Grace?" 

++++

"There has to be another way!" 

"Cullen I'm sorry, truly I am. I understand your...situation with the Herald is rocky at best." 

Cullen snorted and rubbed a hand over his face, his glove rasping against his stubble. Rocky at best didn't even _begin_ to describe how tense the situation was between him and Shai. He turned away from Josephine at her desk, his eyes blankly scanning the walls of her office as he lost himself in thought. Maker's breath, why did it have to be him?

He'd intended to return to the training of his recruits after the end of their meeting but had circled back around to the Chantry, intent on helping the Ambassador come up with a different resolution. He'd suggested that both he and Shai go their separate ways to Therinal and Redcliffe, respectively. But Josephine was adamant that wouldn't do anything besides leave them with more hurdles to overcome. Then he'd volunteered the Seeker to accompany the Herald, saying that Cassandra was close enough to a Templar to lobby in his place. 

Josephine had looked at him after that one with the patient expression he suspected she gave to visiting dignitaries who couldn't take "no" for an answer; he was doomed to a month of travel with one of the most obstinate people he'd ever met. It made his gut churn just thinking about the impending trip. He sighed and closed his eyes briefly; _it'll be fine, it'll all be over before you know it, this is for the good of the Inquisition_. His mental pep talk did little to raise his spirits and he turned towards Josephine again, mouth open to once more offer a better alternative. 

"Cullen, please," she stopped him before he could get going again. "I know how you feel about this and I confess I do share the same qualms. While I find Lady Trevelyan to be a pleasant person, the way you two carry on is not the image of the Inquisition I want to present as a selling point for an alliance."

Cullen blushed at her words and resisted the urge to duck his head; he played a part in the hostilities, he knew. He just couldn't hold back sometimes, not when he was so prolifically provoked into argument.

"But maybe this time alone for you two might be good," Josephine continued, ignoring the way Cullen's mouth dropped open. "I'm not saying you'll return with all your difficulties resolved however, might you try and find some common ground with the Herald? If only to clear the air a bit."   

"There are some people 'common ground' is impossible with," Cullen stated resolutely. The Ambassador smiled sympathetically.

"Even so, it never hurts to try."

Cullen sighed again and rubbed the knot growing at the base of his neck. The matter of the trip was closed. He could try and talk his way out of it until he was blue in the face but words had never been his strong suit and Josephine was unlikely to change her mind just because two people couldn't play nicely. Especially when an alliance to seal the Breach was almost within their grasp. Plus her position for the Inquisition, after all, was to negotiate delicate--sometimes hostile--matters. _And how well we fit the bill for that_ , Cullen mused drily. 

After a few more minutes of discussion, he departed the Chantry into the fading sunlight of Haven. People still milled about despite the growing hour, although most were ducking into their respective homes. He took a deep breath of cold, mountain air, willing it to dispel the turmoil inside him. He felt frustrated and irritated, not to mention backed into a corner where there was no escape. 

He wanted to hit something, to take his anger out on some inanimate object. _Why, Maker why_ , he asked again but received no response; the heavens were silent on this topic. Indeed he imagined them laughing spitefully at his predicament, such was his current mood. He tried to turn his mind to things that needed his attention; troop exercises, battle strategies, the progress of his recruits all bounced around inside his head. But his brain refused to focus on any of them and he gave up the mental battle. He was, for all intents and purposes, utterly screwed over. 

"Bloody hell," he breathed on a deep exhale. Of all the hands fate could have dealt him this was the one he got. From the first moment he'd met Lady Shailene Clarice Trevelyan on the battlefield, he'd known there was going to be trouble. He’d watched her eyes narrow and her mouth turn down at the corners, no doubt sensing the traces of lyrium still in his system. _Templar_ , he could've sworn he heard her mind hiss at him. From then on she'd been shooting him scathing glares every chance she got. He'd thanked the Maker looks couldn't kill otherwise he would've been reduced to a pile of ash long ago.

A cacophony of voices sounded, drawing him out of his inner thoughts and back to the current moment. He looked to his left over at the tavern as the door was flung open and a few people stumbled forth. Cullen was on the cusp of ignoring the group that stumbled out--who were in all certainty piss drunk--but then a light of recognition came over him. 

His eyes narrowed as Shai said something very obscene and Varric supporting her on her right side, almost dropped her as he bent in half laughing. Cullen watched Sera collapse onto the ground clutching her sides, her disjointed giggles filling the air. The Iron Bull--to his credit--only swayed slightly though Cullen knew he'd probably drunk enough to sedate a horse. _Oh for--really?!_  He strode angrily toward the Herald, noting the townspeople who had stopped to gawk at the show. 

"Nothing to see here," Cullen snapped at a pair of whispering women. They jumped at his tone and quickly scurried off, as did most of the others within earshot. "Herald," he demanded when he had closed the gap between Shai and himself. "What are you doing?”

Shai's head came up at his voice and even in her muddled stupor she still managed to fix him with a penetrating glare. "Oh look who’s here. Commander stick up his arse," she jeered as she shook off Varric and tried to stand on her own. She almost went down on _her_ arse, stumbling a bit. Cullen's hand shot out of its own volition and gripped her upper arm, holding her steady.

Shai tried to pull back at the contact but he held firm, tightening his grip until she stopped fighting. Giving the briefest of nods to her companions, Cullen hauled the Herald with him past her friends and behind a nearby tree. She whirled around to face him once they were out of sight. 

"Don't touch me," she snarled, eyes blazing. Cullen dropped his hand and folded his arms across his chest.

"You're making a very public fool of yourself." 

"I'm allowed to have a few drinks if I want. Piss off." Shai tried to push past him but he caught her around the waist easily with one arm and forced her back. 

"Do you even realize the image you're presenting right now? Does it not concern you that you're supposed to be keeping up appearances not running around doing whatever you damn well please?" Cullen worked to keep his voice low but it was rising with every word, his irritation at everything that had happened in the past hour overflowing; instead of preparing for a very crucial trip, their blessed Herald was getting blessedly drunk.

"Oh no I drank alcohol, Maker, such a heathenish thing to do. Whatever will the townspeople think of me now?" Shai lamented, widening her eyes and clapping her hands to her cheeks in mock horror. Cullen shook his head at her drunken theatrics. _It is just one instance_ , his mind needled in Shai’s defense but he shut that particular train of thought down.

"Listen, the people look to you as an example. Letting yourself get inebriated to the point of belligerency is irresponsible and childish! Things might've been different back in Ostwick when the world was kissing your feet but this is not some golden castle. Acting this way won't get you anywhere here."

For a minute Cullen thought she would slap him, so venomous was her expression, and some part of him welcomed the challenge of restraining her. But then her expression changed and she crossed her arms lazily, going for a casual appearance; the fact that she was going a bit cross eyed from the drink didn't help. She smirked. 

"You don't scare me, Commander." 

"Scare you?" Cullen gawked in disbelief. "Is that what you think this is? An intimidation tactic?!" 

She shrugged. "What else would it be?" She took a step closer to him, invading his personal space and he resisted the urge to reciprocate by backing away. "I know your kind," she lilted, in a low sing song voice that instantly grated on his nerves. The smell of ale coming off her breath were strong and he wrinkled his nose at the heavy onslaught of fumes.  

"And pray tell what use would I get out of intimidating you?" Cullen snapped, his anger rising. _The nerve of her!_  Instead of answering his question, Shai gave a harsh bark of laughter and dropped her arms exaggeratedly to her sides, her palms slapping against her thighs. Cullen grunted in annoyance. So she wanted to play games, what else had he expected? That she'd take his admonishment of her actions to heart? Laughable expectation on his part. 

"Go to your cabin and sleep this off. I expect you to be coherent when we leave in the morning." His tone was steel, the one he reserved for recruits who got too far out of line; he somewhat wished he _did_ scare her just so she'd be easier to deal with.   

"Up yours," Shai spit. Cullen exhaled forcefully. Maker, but the woman was incorrigible. He stood aside and Shai shoved past him, being sure to jostle his shoulder as hard as she could. He watched her stalk off, her boots slapping roughly against the frozen ground. Cullen shoved a hand through his hair in agitation. This trip was going to be exhausting and he could only hope he'd survive it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "+'s" to indicate changes in chapter: short lines are a POV shift and medium lines are a time jump


	2. Full Speed Ahead

Shai groaned and rolled over, encountering only air where there had been bed a second ago. She yelped as she contacted the floor of her cabin, reaching up to rub the back of her head where it had contacted the hard wood. Her eyes slitted open then immediately slammed shut at the bright rays of sunlight coming in through the cabin window. 

"Maker's balls on a stick," she moaned.

Her stomach churned as she pushed into a sitting position, reaching to grab the edge of the washbasin stand and pull herself up. She shrieked as it tipped under her weight sending freezing cold water spilling down on her head. Shai sputtered as she wiped wet hair out of her eyes. A knock--no, more of a pounding--sounded at her cabin door. 

"Herald? Are you awake?" 

 _Cassandra. Of course it has to be her_. Shai groaned in response and heard the sound of the handle turning before the door flung open to reveal the person in question silhouetted against the sunlight outside. 

"Why are you not dressed yet?" The Seeker made a disgusted noise as she took in Shai's disheveled state. "You do realize that you and the Commander are to leave in under an hour?" 

"How could I forget?" Shai grumbled as she struggled to her feet. Starting to gingerly peel off her clothes, Shai stopped when she realized Cassandra was still standing watching her. 

"Do you mind?" She asked cocking an eyebrow.

The Seeker huffed and turned to leave. “You’re expected at the stables presently.”

Shai made a face as the door swung shut behind Cassandra. What she'd really like would be to sink into a hot bath until her head stopped pounding and the room stopped spinning but unfortunately there wasn't even enough time to hunt down another wash basin. Muttering curses under her breath, Shai retrieved fresh leathers from her closet and donned them at a snail's pace. Everything hurt and she felt as if she'd fought her way through a horde of demons instead of a horde of drinks. She half staggered outside, holding her hand up to shield her eyes from the sunlight.

Although she estimated it couldn't be long past daybreak Haven was already alive and buzzing. Through the air circulated the fresh smell of baking bread and the strong scent of brewing coffee. At any other times those smells would've made her mouth water but now they only served to make her nauseous. Her throat was dry as a desert and she knew without a doubt she could probably sleep for a week. 

"Glad I'm not the only one looking like crap." Varric was sitting on the steps leading down to Haven's gates, bleary eyed and haggard. Shai settled herself next to him with no small level of difficulty as she struggled to keep herself from face planting into the stone. 

"I'm never drinking again," she said sourly. Varric chuckled and shook his head.

"I make that promise to myself every morning and break it every night. The key is moderation, something our Qunari friend has clearly never heard of." 

Shai mumbled her agreement and massaged her temples hoping to stop her growing headache.

"The Seeker's coming." Varric inclined his head towards the gates and Shai momentarily considered trying to run and hide. However she couldn't figure out how to get her legs under herself and instead sat sullenly as Cassandra came to a stop in front of them. 

"This is decidedly not the stables." 

"Oh c’mon Seeker, give her a break. She's had a rough night." 

Cassandra rolled her eyes so hard Shai thought they might fall out of her head. "No thanks to you, Varric." 

The dwarf raised his hands in surrender then braced them against his thighs as he pushed himself to his feet. "Nothing wrong with a bit of fun. If you need me I'll be in my tent recovering." Varric started to walk off but stopped and turned back. "Oh and good luck on your trip with Curly. Try to get back in one piece." 

Shai waved halfheartedly at him as he left then looked reluctantly at Cassandra who was tapping a foot impatiently. 

"Right...lead the way." 

Fifteen minutes later Shai boosted herself into the saddle. Her horse Phaeron, a black Friesian she'd liberated from a bandit camp her second day in the Hinterlands, snorted and tossed his head, impatient to get going. Normally Shai would share his enthusiasm but today she was dragging her feet as much as possible. Cullen stood talking to Rylen nearby, most likely finalizing training regimes.

His reprimands from the night before came back to her a little blurry but still clear enough and she bristled again at the insults he'd hurled her way. _Golden castle indeed_. If she'd been thinking clearly she would've come back with every dirty name in the book. To think she'd actually thought him handsome at one point! Yeah there'd been a brief moment during their first ever meeting when she'd thought _well hello there_. But then he'd barked at her and that thought had flown the coop.  

Shai feigned indifference as Cullen mounted the bay he called Vigilance next to her. Josephine and Leliana came strolling up to stand alongside Cassandra and the Ambassador stepped forward with some last minute reminders. 

"Now don't forget the entire point of this mission is for you to return with at least one promise of an alliance. Please do try and refrain from arguing until you're alone," Josephine said with an imploring look. Shai sensed rather than saw Cullen stiffen in his saddle.

"I would never intend to intentionally jeopardize the Inquisition's success, Ambassador. You have my word." 

Shai didn't miss the emphasis he put on "I" and gritted her teeth, biting back the lovely epithet she'd like to rename him with. 

"I have faith in both of you." Josephine's smile looked just the tad bit forced but she managed to smooth it into something genuine. "Everything will be fine," she continued though Shai was pretty sure she was using it as a pep talk for herself instead of them. 

"We shouldn't delay them any longer Josie. They are expected at Redcliffe within a few days." Leliana looked as collected as ever, the stoic lady in grey. 

"Oh right, of course. We can't have you being late." Josephine stepped back and folded her hands. Shai turned her head at the sound of approaching feet to see Bull and his second in command, Krem, coming towards them.

"Boss. Wanted to see you off," he rumbled. Shai noted with faint irritation Bull looked as if the night before had never happened, his eyes clear and manner alert. She on the other hand wanted to lie down across Phaeron's neck and check out until they reached Redcliffe and she could sneak off to find an unoccupied bed. 

"Hey you don't look so good," Bull noted with mock concern. Shai gave him a rude gesture, which elicited a bark of laughter from Krem. Cullen muttered something in disapproval but she ignored it. 

"I want a re-match when I get back," Shai said, referring to their game of Wicked Grace that she had lost spectacularly at. 

"You sure? I dunno if that's such a good idea considering we cleaned you out pretty badly." 

"That sounds like an invitation to me." 

"If you two are quite finished," Cassandra interrupted. Shai mimicked Varric's earlier hands up in surrender. 

"We should depart," Cullen stated impatiently and Shai agreed with him for once. Perhaps once they were moving she'd start to feel better having something else to focus on instead of how her stomach felt like a boat being tossed about on a stormy sea. 

"Good luck and safe travels," Josephine chirped. Leliana and Cassandra nodded while Bull raised a hand as Shai spurred Phaeron into a light trot, Cullen following on her heels. They passed the recruit tents with Cullen's soldiers hard at work and turned right immediately after, following the dirt road out of Haven.

The guards at the gates pushed the massive wooden doors open and saluted as they road past. Shai pressed her heels into Phaeron's side and the stallion segued smoothly into a canter. She listened to Vigilance's hoof beats speed up as Cullen followed her lead and soon they were leaving the town behind. 

++++

Mountains rose on either side of them before plateauing into smaller, rocky hills dotted with towering pine trees. Snow lay across the road they traveled and gathered in drifts on either side. Cullen watched the Herald's back as they rode in silence. Her stallion's coat shimmered in the sunlight as Shai moved flawlessly with her mount. He had to admit she was an expert horseman.

Leliana's reports on the Herald had said the Bann and Lady Trevelyan's endless piles of money paid for only the best horse master to teach their daughter but still, money couldn't buy a teachable disposition for some people and he'd seen that many times over the years. It appeared Shai understood how to take instruction and put it to good use; _the catch was making her want to take that instruction_ , Cullen thought bitterly.

Birds took flight in groups as Cullen and Shai rode by, chirping filling the air. By the map stowed in his saddlebags they could make camp tonight a few miles from Lake Calenhad then continue on in the morning to the forward camp at the midway point. Following that they would be set to reach Redcliffe by nightfall of the next day.

The trip there would be made much faster given that there were only two of them traveling as opposed to an entire envoy. They could stop infrequently to water the horses and stretch their legs then press on. And the lack of talking, however awkward the silence was, prevented them from dallying at a slower pace. _Who would've thought detesting someone could come with such benefits_.

Cullen's mouth quirked at the irony. He breathed in deeply the mountain air, enjoying the breeze as it ruffled his hair. Content that they would continue undisturbed for the time being, Cullen let his thoughts wander and his hands relax on the reins. 

It had been a while since he'd gotten away from Haven and the crushing workload he carried. He knew some of his men called him a workaholic and he also knew those same men respected him for it. Cullen had never been one to shirk duty or responsibility and his recruitment to the Inquisition after the travesty at Kirkwall had given him new purpose.

He'd thrown himself into his role of Commander from day one, overseeing the recruitment of troops and tirelessly creating battle strategies from his experience with the Order. His dedication had led to many long, sleepless nights and he'd been running on little to no energy reserves. Cullen didn't want to acknowledge the dark part of his mind that knew the intensity about his work came from the reparations he was trying to make for his past. 

The rebellion had claimed the lives of many friends and comrades and he felt more than a twinge of survivor's guilt that he should be given a second chance at life over them. Cullen shook himself physically, putting an end to his reminiscing before he wandered down the mental road that inevitably led back to that tower and the nights he'd spent getting to know the screams of those trapped with him.

"Stop." 

He didn't realize he'd spoken aloud until he caught sight of the Herald twisted partway around in her saddle, cocking an eyebrow at him. When she was satisfied he wasn't saying anymore Shai turned back to the road and Cullen let loose the breath he wasn't aware he was holding. He passed an uneasy hand over his face, aware that he'd broken into a cold sweat at thoughts of Kirkwall.

It was such a sharp contrast; the day around them, beautiful and bright while his mind dwelt on the torture and suffering of his darkest hours. Every time he was sure he'd conquered his demons, new ones appeared to take the place of the fallen. It never ended and he wouldn't be surprised if it ever did; he supposed that would be his burden to bear, his penance. 

They continued for another hour, stopping once just long enough for the Herald to pry a stone out of Phaeron's shoe. She’d suddenly slowed to a walk before swinging down from her saddle and examining her mount’s right front hoof. Cullen had been about to ask what was wrong when he watched Shai remove a small dagger from her boot before expertly flicking a pebble from where it was caught beneath the iron horseshoe. She'd been mounted again and riding off before he could blink, leaving him to play catch up.

It didn't escape Cullen's notice that she kept her dagger not only in her boot as did he, but on the inside of the left one as well. Under different circumstances it could have been something to strike up a conversation about but Shai had barely glanced in his direction to see if he was stopping with her. He might as well have been invisible and fancied he could arc his sword through the tension that stretched thickly between them.

If he were less of a gentleman and more like Varric he probably would have kept pace with her, goading her into an argument just to have something to do. Cullen _was_ curious as to whether their silence would last for the entire trip. At some point there would be conditions the Mages and Templars would give them that would need to be rehashed. Then again he wouldn't put it past her to keep her lips sealed. 

And yet as their time in the saddle wore on, Cullen found himself unconsciously studying the Herald's silhouette, assembling in his mind the face that was turned away from him. She had pale green eyes, very feline in their appearance, always darkly outlined with kohl. Her nose was ramrod straight and aristocratically formed, set above a generous mouth just a tad too wide.

Her skin was smoothly brown and her hair was somewhere between dark brown and black with red highlights that caught in the sunlight. Cullen imagined it fell thickly in full curls to just below her shoulders when free from the thong in which she tied it up. She was an attractive woman, that he could admit. He could also own up to sneaking glances at Shai during council meetings or when he crossed her path at Haven. His...dislike for her didn't make him _that_ biased. 

In truth he would have no quarrel with her if she did not obstinately go to great lengths to maintain one with him. True he'd been a little brusque when he first met her in the ruins of the temple. But who wouldn't? They'd spent days watching demons fall from the rift. He'd spent nights hearing distant screams as those demons made short work of whatever pour souls they encountered. And he'd been losing soldiers left and right in the ensuing chaos, not to mention what felt like part of his mind as he struggled to keep up.

He'd never experienced fighting that intense in his life, except maybe when Kirkwall went to shit. But even then, rebel Mages were not demons. So yes he'd been tired--immensely so--when he'd finally come face to face with the Herald for the first time. He'd spent hour upon hour fighting with little to no reprieves between waves of demons. And at that point they hadn't known whether she was innocent or not; all he'd seen was a responsible party on which to lay blame. And maybe he'd been a little more harsh with his word choice when he felt the mana surging through her blood.

 _Of course its a Mage_ , he'd thought. He was intimately familiar with Mages blowing things up and why would this one be any different? So yes, they had gotten off on the wrong foot but that wasn't to say he was opposed to rectifying that first meeting. But then she'd all but spit in his face over his past and the resolve to create an amicable relationship between them crumbled. If the Herald wanted to be acerbic towards him then so be it. He hadn't become a senior member in the Order by letting others walk all over him. He could handle a spit-fire Mage. And maybe in time she would come to see he wasn't the enemy she made him out to be. 

"Here's to hoping," Cullen mumbled to no one in particular. He had a distinct feeling the Void would freeze over before Shai came to that conclusion, though it would certainly make his life easier if she were to do so. Who knew, perhaps they could even become tentative friends, stranger things had happened. 

++++ 

"We should make camp."

Cullen's voice came from beside her and Shai resisted the urge to jump. She'd gotten comfortable with his position of riding slightly behind her and in the nine hours they'd been on the road he hadn't made any move to draw closer. She'd been lulled into a complacent state by the sounds of Phaeron's steady hoof beats and the sounds of birds around them.

Her mind had been steadily wandering from what was going on back at Haven to whether she'd see any familiar faces at Redcliffe to hoping Therinfal Redoubt would be a quick detour to finally coming to rest on Cullen behind her. He'd been silent the entire day--not that she expected him to try and talk to her--but somehow she'd been unable to forget his presence.

That niggling sensation of being watched had settled between her shoulder blades and she'd fought the impulse to turn around and see if Cullen really was boring a hole into her back with his eyes. _Of course he's looking at you, you're in front of him. What's he going to do, ride backwards in his saddle?_  

Still, it had made her shoulders straighten and her spine stiffen knowing he was keeping tabs on her, albeit because there really was nothing else to look at. She grudgingly supposed that if their positions were switched she'd probably be studying him as well, noting things about him like how broad his shoulders we—

"Camp sounds fine," she interrupted her own thoughts and gave herself a mental shake.

"Calenhad is about five miles from where we are now. It should take a little under an hour to reach it tomorrow morning and the forward camp is another twenty miles on from there." 

Shai addressed his assessment with the barest of nods, and followed Cullen off the side of the road into a small grove of trees. A full day of riding had left her legs wobbly and she hissed as she dismounted Phaeron, finding her right foot fast asleep. Trying to walk off the pins and needles feeling, Shai grasped Phaeron's reins and hobbled to a nearby tree. She untacked and secured him with a rope she'd brought along, affectionately stroking his neck as he munched greedily on the grass underfoot.  

"Rough day boy, I'm sorry," Shai cooed apologetically. 

By the time she looked up again, Cullen was crouched next to a gathered pile of wood trying to build a small fire. Their tents lay in two bundles next to the Commander along with their rations of food. Shai gritted her teeth and went to grab the tents, carrying them a couple feet away to assemble. Cullen moved on from getting their fire going to throwing things from their rations into a pot.

For the moments his head was pointed down, she studied his face absently as she worked. His brow was smooth and sloped, his nose with just the barest of bumps below the bridge to convey a previous break, his lips full where it mattered and thin where it didn't. His eyes sat beneath light brown brows, golden orbs that could soften or harden immeasurably based on his mood; she was thoroughly acquainted with the latter sight. 

The scar on his lip caught her gaze more often than not, even when she was pretending to refuse to look at him. If she was being completely honest with herself, she snuck glances here and there at the Commander. He was just so intense despite his quiet demeanor. His presence was always duly noted in a room even though he hardly ever announced himself upon entering. He was formidable and an air of mystery hung over him; she speculated whether he was hiding anything big in his past.

Maybe some hideous mishap he had worked hard to cover up? He'd been a Templar in Kirkwall so his record was hardly spotless and by all accounts he'd been there during the rebellion. She had no doubt he'd seen some shit and experienced even more than that. But unless Leliana had it somewhere in her endless reports, Shai was hardly ever going to find out. She couldn't just flat out ask Cullen; they were hardly on speaking terms the majority of the time.

Shai became aware Cullen was looking at her and quickly averted her gaze. She cleared her throat awkwardly not knowing how long she'd been staring or how long he'd been watching her stare, patiently waiting for her to look away. 

"The uh the tents are done," she said, pointing stupidly at their assembled lodging for the night. 

"So they are," Cullen responded flatly, probably thinking her daft. His face betrayed non of his thoughts, however, and he returned his attention to the food he was making them. Shai sighed and looked around them, trying to find something to entertain herself with until she could eat dinner and retire for the night. Finding the surrounding forest lacking for engaging activities, she settled for crawling into her tent.

She stripped off her leathers, dusty and sweaty from the day in the saddle. After a second of hesitation, she removed her shirt and pants as well, leaving them in a crumpled heap nearby. She desperately hoped the forward camp would have some clean clothing for them upon their arrival. She really didn't want to go all the way to Redcliffe in crusty, dirty garb.

Speaking of Redcliffe...her mind turned in calculating circles and she tried to work through every aspect of the plan she had first thought up after their exit from Haven. She bit her lip as she worked through the ins and outs of what, Maker willing-- _no...wait, he probably wouldn't approve of this_ \--would provide the Inquisition with the Mages and let the Templars go hang.

She had no intentions of even considering an alliance with the Order even though she knew Cullen was probably creaming himself thinking about the possibility of having the Templars as the Inquisition's ally. She grinned wickedly and couldn't stop the shiver of anticipation that shot through her. Yes, she'd found a way that would work. She was sure of it.

"You should come eat before it gets cold," Cullen said as he swept the flap of her tent aside. Shai let out a whoop of surprise and dived for her discarded clothing at the same time Cullen stumbled backwards, uttering oath after oath as he tripped over his rapidly retreating feet. She heard him give a shout of surprise that descended into furious patting noises. The smell of burnt clothing came to her nose and her lips quirked in amusement at the very likely probability Cullen had backed right into their fire.  

"Maker's breath, I'm sorry I didn't realize you weren't dressed," he called apologetically from the other side of the burlap, the patting noises finally subsiding although his muttered cursing did not. Shai shoved her arms through the sleeves of her shirt and yanked the cotton material over her head.

"You could have just told me from outside!"

"Maker, I did you didn't--bloody hell that _hurt_ \--you didn't hear me."

"Well its probably nothing you haven't seen before," Shai grunted as she worked to pull her pants on in the tiny confines of the tent. She stopped with her waistband around her thighs and smirked. "Or _is_ it something new for you, Commander?"

"That's none of your concern!" Cullen snapped and she knew he was positively red at the comment. "I'd thank you not to entertain such thoughts."

"And I'd thank you not to come into my tent unannounced," Shai replied as she finally emerged back into the night. As she'd suspected, Cullen was standing dangerously close to the fire inspecting the soles of his boots for char marks. 

"I already told you I didn't--" he broke off as he looked her in the face and realized she was teasing him. "There's soup in the pot," he stated gruffly, turning away. "I'll be back."

"Where are you going?" Shai asked, not too keen on being left alone in a strange forest in the dark. Much as Cullen's presence was a deterrent to her overall satisfaction, she knew he was a force to be reckoned with; any stray bandits or creatures of the night would want to think twice before antagonizing him.

"I've already eaten. There's a nearby stream on the map. I'm going to wash up."

With no more explanation than that, Cullen pushed through the nearby foliage and disappeared from view. Shai stared after him for a few seconds before dishing some of the soup into a bowl. As she settled onto the ground by the fire, a wolf howled in the distance and was quickly joined by its brethren. She shot to her feet and decided dinner could be eaten in her tent.      

++++

Cullen pushed through the trees, his empty stomach growling at him in protest of his lie. In truth he hadn't eaten yet and there was no stream marked nearby on the map, but he had needed some distance between he and the Herald. When he'd stood outside her tent letting her know dinner was ready, he'd been expecting some sort of reply. But she hadn't given any indication she'd heard him, even after the third time he'd repeated the update, and he knew he wasn't speaking that quietly. 

So naturally he'd stuck his head into her tent, fully expecting her to be ignoring him out of spite or asleep after their long day of travel. What he hadn't been expecting was her to be sitting in the middle of her tent, completely naked save her breast band and smalls. He'd gotten a good gander of smooth, brown skin stretched over lithe muscle and voluptuous curves that made his heart beat a little too fast and his mouth go a little too dry.

And then she'd turned with those firebrand eyes of hers, wide in surprise at his unexpected presence, and he'd never backed away from something so fast in his life. Backed away so fast, in fact, that he'd literally trampled right into their campfire; his boots had the char marks to prove it. So the real reason he'd excused himself to the woods was to gather his composure because as embarrassed as he was at being caught, he couldn't stop thinking of the unclothed parts of her he'd gawked at.

Cullen groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. He didn't need to be thinking of the Herald in a state of undress. He really, _really_ didn't need to be entertaining thoughts of her like that; they would surely lead to impolite wondering on how her skin smelled, how she'd feel, how it would be to cover her body with his own.

Cullen wanted to douse himself with a bucket of cold water. He'd seen women naked before for Maker's sake! A woman's anatomy was no anomaly to him, as rusty as he might be with what to do with it. So why then was Shai's image burned so fiercely into his mind from just a few seconds? 

And what must she think of him? _For the love of--she can't think I did that on purpose can she_? Oh that would just make their trip so much more fun; the Herald constantly attacking him about trying to spy on her and him unable to contrive any decent defense other than "dinner was ready". He breathed out--roughly--and stopped his walking, setting his hands on his hips as he closed his eyes and tipped his head back. 

A gust of night wind blew over him, warmer than those they caught at Haven; the Frostbacks were in the distance now and the temperature was increasing with every mile from the snow draped peaks they drew. Cullen inhaled, exhaled, and opened his eyes. He felt alright now, more in control of himself. 

He picked his way back to camp and discovered that the spots by the fire were completely vacant. Presuming Shai finished with her meal and retired, he settled onto the ground. He should sleep, he knew he should. He barely got any rest on the regular. But he knew if he slept, he'd dream. And if he dreamed he'd wake up in a cold sweat talking at top volume--no, more likely screaming--and scare the Herald, plus the horses, half to death.

Yes, it was better if he kept watch and he could doze intermittently if he needed to. Cullen settled himself more comfortably with his knees drawn up and splayed slightly apart, his forearms resting on each hard peak. He stared into the flames, the firelight dancing across his features, and lost himself in their color. Far off a group of wolves howled up at the full moon above them.    

++++

A rough shake startled Shai awake and she sat up quickly, fingertips dancing with lightning. Cullen frowned down at her reaction from where he stood over her, hunched to avoid the top of the tent. 

"Time to go," he said shortly before sweeping aside the flaps and leaving.

Shai grumbled at the rude awakening as she dressed. She was a little surprised Cullen had dared to enter her tent again after the previous night's mishap, but he'd kept his gaze strategically averted to down by her feet. She'd been more shocked than angered at his unrefined discover of her nakedness; she really hadn't heard him calling out to her until he was quite literally inside her tent. 

She was by no means into putting on a show for the Commander but she was trying to muster up enough gumption to care that he'd caught her in a state of undress. She knew her lady mother would have positively had a fit at the improperness of the whole situation but what could Shai say? Life on the road sometimes forced people into close quarters. Although she doubted Cullen would put himself back in such a position again anytime soon; he'd looked positively mortified. 

Birds sang despite the early hour as she emerged into the dawn and the dew on the grass left damp streaks on her boots. Their fire from the night before was extinguished and Cullen had, unsurprisingly, already dissembled his tent and tacked Vigilance.

Their rations were nowhere in sight and Shai felt her stomach grumble in hunger. She spied the sack of food already secured among the saddle bags on Vigilance's back and stifled a noise of frustration realizing she was on Cullen's time now and that meant eating when he deemed it fit to stop. Shai broke down her tent and tacked Phaeron, all the while muttering curses at Cullen and also at the Maker for sticking her with him.

By the time she strapped everything in place, Cullen was already mounted and heading off towards the road without a backwards glance. Shai heaved herself into her saddle and made off after him. A breeze blew towards them ruffling Cullen’s hair and the fur collar of his mantle. _Andraste’s tits that thing looks ridiculous_. Shai thought it rather resembled a dead animal wrapped around his neck. _Probably smells like one too_.

She passed the time by softly humming bits and pieces of songs she remembered from over the years intermittently. Phaeron swiveled one ear backwards to listen to her and she obligingly increased her volume. After a few minutes her lips began to form the lyrics and she sang softly under her breath: "Twas down by Killarney's green woods that we strayed. When the moon and the stars they were shining. The moon shone its rays on her locks of golden hair. And she swore she'd be my love forever." 

She choked on the words when she saw Cullen turned slightly towards her, listening. Shai bit her tongue in her haste to shut up, wincing at the pain. Her entire face burned as she conveniently avoided eye contact with him even though she felt his gaze on her like a weight. After a couple minutes of intensely examining their surroundings she looked back and breathed a sigh of relief that Cullen was facing forward again.

The morning passed quickly and as Lake Calenhad came into sight, Cullen signaled for a halt near its banks. Shai swung down from Phaeron, her stomach grumbling in anticipation of finally getting food. Her nails dug into her palms as she watched Cullen meticulously undo the bags, seeming to take the utmost care with them. Finally he turned holding two wrapped pieces of bread and a couple strips of dried meat. Shai reached to take her portion from him, her guard shooting up instantly when he held on. 

"You sing well." 

Her eyes widened in surprise at the compliment and she watched Cullen's mirror hers, almost as if he was surprised by his own words. Stripes of color rose in Cullen's cheeks under Shai's silence and he immediately relinquished the food he was still holding onto, bringing his now free hand up to brush furiously through his hair. Shai gave him a careful look and retreated a safe distance away, crossing her legs as she sat down in the grass and unwrapped her sparse meal. _Did he really just...compliment me?_

She chanced a look in his direction to see him with his back tactfully turned to her, eating his own meal in silence. His own face had looked completely blown away at the words coming out of his mouth and he'd actually _blushed_. Shai didn't think she'd ever seen a man do that before, let alone one who seemed so sure-footed in his position.

_Fancy that. Could it be the Commander is actually...shy?_

Her lips quirked into a wry smile at the possible revelation. Well...that certainly put things in a most interesting light. 


	3. An Unfortunate Detour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit long of a chapter

_There, Ambassador. I tried to find us some common ground and look where it got me?_ Cullen swung into his saddle and put heels to Vigilance's side, starting them along Calenhad's banks as he kept the lake to their immediate left. He wouldn't--couldn't--chance taking a look at Shai. Maker's breath...he hadn't embarrassed himself like that in a while. Which, in his world, had to be some kind of record since he was constantly putting his own blighted foot in his equally cursed mouth. 

He didn't know _why_ that was his attempt at taking Josephine's advice, but it happened at the exact time he was mulling over actually trying to clear the air with the Herald. And then whoops, out it had popped. Every time he blinked he saw the surprised, almost shocked look Shai had adopted at his words. He knew without a doubt he'd probably been mirroring the eyes wide open, mouth slightly agape expression. He'd been surprised and shocked as well that he'd actually said it.

 _Bloody fool I am_ , he thought miserably as Vigilance started to move along at steady pace. Cullen found that his embarrassment didn't abate as the morning wore on, and instead came in various stages. There was the face burning followed by spastic cringing that led in turn to the kind that made him hunch his shoulders, employ every epithet of Andraste, and want to sink into the earth.

The thought of eventually having to converse with Shai made him grind his teeth so aggressively his jaw started to twinge in pain. Maker, he didn't want to have to look her in the eyes again. Not after what he'd said. In all honesty it wasn't that bad but it wasn't the compliment so much as to  _whom_  he'd paid it and the blind reasoning behind saying it in the first place. _Common ground is overrated_ , he thought sourly.

As morning turned into afternoon and the temperature of the day increased, Cullen found himself repeatedly reaching up to brush the fur of his mantle away from where it was sticking to his neck. His brow beaded with sweat and beneath his armor, his shirt was becoming plastered to his torso. He glanced over his shoulder at Shai to see her apparently undisturbed by the warmer temperature but then again she rode in leathers while he sat in full battle dress.

He debated halting just long enough to shed his armor but talked himself out of it. He could endure the ride to the forward camp or at least wait until they stopped to water the horses next. But as the hours wore on, Cullen found it harder to concentrate on anything besides how hot he was becoming. The sun climbed steadily in the sky until it was a fiery orb directly overhead, its rays blazing down upon the land.

Bringing a hand to his mouth, Cullen used his teeth to remove his glove. He dropped it into his lap and repeated the process with the other hand before tucking the garments into his belt. Bracelets of sweat bracketed both wrists and he wiped them roughly on his breeches.

The breeze that blew across his newly bared skin felt divine and Cullen tried to stop his mind from wondering how relieving it would feel against the rest of him if he stripped down to just his shirt and breeches. _Tried and failed_ , he thought miserably. Every minute he spent with his armor on seemed to stretch into eternity. Cullen irritably swiped at the sweat running into his eyes, blinking furiously to clear them.

They continued on along Lake Calenhad’s banks for another couple miles before he turned them away and back towards a main road. Vigilance kicked up a great cloud of dust as his hooves churned into the dirt of the road and Cullen sneezed forcefully. Although they’d left the openness of the lakeside and were now sheltered by the trees arcing above them, the heat of the day only intensified. Beneath the leaves the air was muggy and Cullen realized he would happily go back into direct contact with the sun if it meant not feeling like he was suffocating every time he drew breath. 

Tightening his hands on the reins, Cullen pulled Vigilance to a stop and swung down. He was vaguely aware of Shai coming up next to him preparing to dismount as well, but he stopped her with a raised hand. She watched as he shrugged out of his mantle, letting it drop to the ground in a pile. He shucked his bracers next followed by his pauldrons.

His cuirass presented a bit of a challenge as he freed the straps around his waist but struggled with the ones that kept the steel bound to his shoulders. Cullen twisted from side to side, grunting in frustration as his fingers glanced ineffectively off his armor. He swore heavily, feeling his face flush with his efforts all the while more than conscious that Shai was watching him.

Cullen gritted his teeth in concentration as he reached again for the strap on the back of his left shoulder. He found it and gave a tug, breathing a sigh of relief as it gave...and bit back a groan as it caught. He heard Shai heave an exaggerated sigh of impatience then slight but firm hands were bracing themselves on his shoulders from behind. Cullen stiffened under her touch, stepping away from it; he hadn’t even heard her dismount.

“I can do it,” he snapped as Shai tried to re-offer her assistance. She rolled her eyes at him but nonetheless backed away and made a show of yawning hugely, looking as bored as a person possibly could. Cullen couldn't help but utter a triumphant “a-ha” as a shoulder strap painstakingly came undone and he quickly moved onto the next.

His cuirass joined the rest of his gear on the ground and he stretched like a cat, enjoying the weightlessness of finally being rid of his armor. He gingerly plucked his shirt away from his body, shaking it to allow some air between his skin and the material. Cullen’s face was coated in sweat and instinctively he grabbed the hem of his shirt, exposing his stomach as he brought it up, a choking noise coming from nearby at his action.

His eyes moved to find the Herald not looking at him but intensely at the ground. He noted the faint blush that stained her cheeks, though it could've just been the rising heat. He was sure his own skin was tinged a faint pink. 

"Something the matter?" He asked with a hint of annoyance. Shai waved a hand dismissively but wouldn't meet his gaze. He shrugged and bent to gather his things. He darted a confused glance once again in the direction of his traveling partner, watching her worry her bottom lip with her top teeth as she plucked blade after blade of grass from the ground. _Had she been--no, ridiculous. Why would she_?

But then again, she looked for all the world like she'd been caught doing something and was trying to clearly act as if she hadn't been any part of it. Cullen retrieved his pauldrons and bracers, turning to secure them within one of his larger saddlebags. On a fleeting whim, he threw a rapid glance over his shoulder and caught Shai's eyes upon him. Once again she turned as quickly as a deer spotting hunters, fixing her gaze elsewhere.

Cullen worked to keep his mouth schooled in an indifferent line; _she's...she's ogling me_. _Well maybe not ogling but certain taking inventory_. He wanted to smirk at his discovery, turn the tables a bit, twist the proverbial screw a little tighter. Earlier he'd been all avoiding eye contact, profuse blushing, and uncomfortable fidgeting. Now it was Shai's turn and he quite enjoyed the role reversal, perhaps a little too much. 

But he couldn't be faulted for the small pleasure he took from Shai's embarrassment. He was a man who lived his life certain the next moment would bring some social situation he would fail spectacularly at. It was good, to say the least, knowing others could be in the same boat as he.  

++++

Shai could’ve kicked herself. Instead she bit her tongue sharply. _You idiot_. It wasn’t like she’d never seen a man’s stomach before, _you’ve just never seen one like his,_ her traitorous mind taunted. While she could respectfully admit that Cullen was very toned, she hadn't been admiring him. It wasn’t like his abdominals were impeccably carved or that they'd flexed rhythmically as he'd brought the front of his shirt to his face.

Or that his inguinal muscles were perfectly etched in a very visible V, or that she wanted to trace that flat trail of hair from his belly button down his stomach to where it disappeared into his-- _Stop it!_  For the rest of the time it took for Cullen to secure his armor, she busied herself creating a small mountain of discarded grass at her feet, keeping her thoughts _and_ eyes away from the Commander. He only caught her looking at him one other time, and even then she thought she'd been quick enough to set her gaze elsewhere. 

They set off again at a quicker pace and Shai snuck curious glances at the figure that had emerged from beneath the armor, noting the well-formed muscles of Cullen's arms and back. She wondered what he would smell like if she buried her nose in his neck and took a deep breath. Leather definitely...but something spicy as well (tobacco maybe?)...sweat (in a good way)...and a scent that would be distinctly Cullen, undoubtedly masculine. _Distinctly Cullen? Good Maker, get a grip on yourself._ _Well_ _its not like he can read my mind_ , she combatted her own thoughts sourly. But she did feel a trifle abashed at thinking of the Commander so freely.  

Finally as the sun dipped in the west, the trees around them opened and Shai caught sight of smoke coming from a hill in the distance. Cullen slowed to a stop in front of her and retrieved a map. He studied it for a minute, glancing at the smoke occasionally, then spurred Vigilance forward. _The forward camp, thank the Maker_. Shai brought up the rear, her tongue darting over her lips at the thought of substantial food and cots to sleep on instead of a pallet.

Within twenty minutes they reached the camp, riding into the center of it before dismounting and relinquishing their horses to a pair of Inquisition soldiers. Shai was amazed at how fast a group of scouts with reports clutched in their hands swarmed Cullen once his feet touched the ground. He managed to collect all the papers from them and they melted away one by one with salutes.

“Scout Hale,” Cullen called. A red haired woman, her fine features clearly elven, appeared by his side.

“Yes ser.”

“Has Sister Leliana sent any correspondence yet?”

“No ser. My men have nothing from her.”

Cullen brooded over her words before nodding and dismissing her.

“What is Leliana supposed to be sending?” Shai asked, confused as to why she hadn’t been made aware the Spymaster was investigating something that apparently had to do with their trip.

“Nothing to concern yourself with Herald,” Cullen said, starting to walk away.

“I beg to differ,” Shai snapped, jumping in front of Cullen before he could go any further. He looked at her stonily, deep grooves bracketing his mouth as it turned down at the corners.

“Leliana sent her men to get a lay of the land for us in Redcliffe village. I was wondering whether they had reported back to her at Haven and it seems they have not.”

“Oh...” Shai braced her hands on her hips and blew a strand of hair out of her eyes. She’d been expecting something a little more secretive and less mundane from the way Cullen responded to her initial query.

“If that’s all.” He didn’t wait for her answer before continuing on his way.

“Humph,” Shai crossed her arms as she watched him stride off purposely towards a tent (his?) at the far end of the camp. He brushed the flap aside brusquely and disappeared inside.

“Long day I take it?”

Shai turned at the familiar voice and her face broke into a smile as she found Scout Harding standing next to her.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Shai said drily, running a hand over her face.

The freckled dwarf gave a small chuckle. “I can show you to your tent if you’d like? And then we can get you some food.”

An hour later Shai had changed into the clean set of clothes provided for her and scrubbed as much dirt from her face and neck as possible. A full body cleanse would have to wait until they reached Redcliffe the following evening, but she was glad to at least get some of the grime off that had accumulated after two solid days in the saddle.

Pulling her hair from its haphazard bun, Shai ran her fingers through the tresses working out any knots she came across. When her hair hung down her back more or less detangled, she swept aside the flap of her tent and made her way to the campfire. Already most everyone had eaten as they prepared to change guard rotations but some still sat with bowls of stew in their hands.

Shai gratefully accepted a bowl and settled onto a nearby log, stretching her legs out in front of her as she ate. By now twilight had fallen and the flames of the fire created elongated shadows. A couple of Inquisition scouts began to trade stories and Shai found herself joining in with the general laughter the raunchier tales elicited.

Scout Harding dropped in to sit next to her, contributing to the conversation with her story of a fledgling recruit who had mistaken a strange plant for elfroot only to find himself experiencing extreme hallucinations. The recruit had ended up running naked through camp convinced a swarm of giant bees was chasing him. Shai fizzed with laughter and made a mental note to regale Sera with the tale upon returning to Haven. 

Eventually the laughter died down and those around the fire disappeared to their duties or to find sleep. Shai wandered for a bit, finally coming to the edge of the hill on which they were camped. She stared off into the distance fancying she could see the lights of Redcliffe burning even this far away though she knew that was impossible. The night turned cool rapidly and Shai ran her hands over her arms in an attempt to chase away the chill. She yawned hugely and decided it was time for bed. Tomorrow, if she got her way, the Inquisition would be counting the Mages amongst its allies, not the Templars.

++++

Cullen strode about the camp in the morning light, reports clutched in his hand. Still rubbing sleep from his eyes he tried to focus on the pages; there was nothing notable in any of them, just details about the stretch of land in between them and Redcliffe. By the time he'd finished with the last page the rest of the camp was awakening and a scout was standing dutifully by a pot over the fire, stirring it occasionally.

Cullen broke fast with a bowl of porridge and a tin mug of coffee; he wasn't overly fond of the drink when there was no cream or sugar to cut the bitterness, but it made him alert so he choked it down. His eyes wandered about the camp, taking in the requisition tables and erected tents. He wondered briefly which one was the Herald's and had narrowed it down to two possibilities when a thundering of approaching hooves made him look up.

Phaeron came loping up the hill with Shai astride. He was thoroughly surprised that she was even awake given her tendency to not grace Haven with her presence until it was fully light unless she was required to rise early for a mission. Shai turned Phaeron over to a nearby scout and came to retrieve a bowl of food, striding confidently over to where he sat and taking the spot next to him. Cullen went rigid as her arm brushed his and scooted a little farther down the log they shared, ill at ease with being so close. She seemed nonplussed by his reaction and dug into her porridge.

"Looking forward to Redcliffe Commander?" She asked after a bit. He looked at her flatly in response and she smirked. "Oh that's right I forgot. You're like a sheep walking into the wolves den with all those Mages."

Cullen hunched his shoulders and ground his teeth, trying to tune her out as he finished his meal. 

"I guess you're nervous you'll be attacked on sight, aren't you? I'm curious, did the Order ever instruct on what to do in the case that you're outnumbered? You know, 'recite the Chant of Light and kiss your arse goodbye' kind of thing?"  

He jerked to his feet, some of his porridge sloshing over the edge of the bowl and onto his hand. 

"I'm sorry, was that too forward?" Shai's eyes widened and she would have looked apologetic if it weren't for the corners of her mouth twitching as she tried not to smile. 

"Get yourself ready, we leave within the hour," Cullen barked, setting his bowl down on a nearby table and striding off. _What was her game_? He didn't know which he preferred; her stony silence was as unsettling as her trying to get into his head, which he grudgingly admitted she had done a good job of. He was more than a little jittery at their impending entrance into Redcliffe.

He busied himself checking in with Scout Harding about any final things that needed to be brought to his attention then gathered his belongings. Vigilance was fully tacked and waiting with Shai and Phaeron nowhere in sight. Cullen ran a hand through his hair and exhaled forcefully. He was a man who worked best with keeping a schedule and worked best with others when they kept to that designated schedule.

The Herald was decidedly a person who ran on no one's time but her own as the hour of their departure was here and she was of course, missing. Cullen's jaw worked as he got himself mounted, tension lining his shoulders with each passing minute he didn't see Shai's familiar form appear. 

"Scout Hale," he called. The red haired elf came over from where she stood studying a requisition table and saluted. 

"Ser."

"Where is the Herald?" 

Her delicate brows furrowed in confusion and she pursed her lips.

"She left right after she finished eating. She said you had instructed her to go on ah--" the rest of her words were lost as Cullen swore heavily and clapped his heels to Vigilance's side, spurring the bay into a full gallop as he tore out of the camp.  _For the love of everything holy!_

Leveraging himself off Vigilance's back and urging the bay on faster, he berated himself for not waiting long enough to ask Hale which direction Shai had gone. There were multiple roads from the forward camp to Redcliffe and she could have taken any one of them. What had possessed her?! He sat back suddenly and nearly jerked Vigilance to a skidding halt.  _She wants to get to the Mages first...to offer them an alliance!_  Why hadn't he seen the possibility of that before?

She'd been adamant they didn’t need to approach the Order for help, had dug her heels in every single time that option was suggested, and talked in circles as she worked to convince her advisors the Mages were ultimately the way to go. Now it all made sense! He wondered how long she'd been biding her time until she could give him the slip. 

If Shai thought she'd seen him angry before she was in for a rude awakening when he caught her. He was already seeing red as he raced past the landscape around him, the grass a green blur, his eyes watering from the force of the wind buffeting them. He growled lowly in abject frustration at the situation he found himself in by no fault of his own. How in creators could he have foreseen this outcome? _When I find her_...

Truth be told, he had no idea what he was going to do to Shai when he found her, _if_ he found her. _Maker damn you for a fool, not anticipating she could pull something like this_. The more he thought about it the angrier he became until it was hard to see straight. Moreover he was beyond aggravated at how he of all people had to be the one to end up in this situation.

Josephine couldn't send just any Templar of the Inquisition with the Herald, no, it absolutely had to be him. He'd held an admiration for Josephine since the start of the Inquisition that had only increased as he watched her deal with difficult nobles. However, now he could happily have a few choice words with her over this arrangement. He'd certainly be sending a raven from Redcliffe with a detailed account of how their revered Herald had attempted to sabotage weeks of careful negotiation on the Ambassador's part. 

+++++++

Two hours passed with no sign of Shai anywhere and Cullen's temper only intensified. He knew he was riding Vigilance to near exhaustion with how hard he was driving his mount forward but it was either that or let Shai outrun him and that was an unthinkable outcome. Ahead of him the road forked and he slowed his pace as he tried to decide whether to turn left or right.

Both would take him to Redcliffe eventually, that wasn't a problem. But only one would take him to his goal. Cullen's eyes dropped to the road as he looked for fresh hoof prints. His spirits sank as he noticed tracks going down both roads. On a whim he chose the right; Shai was right handed and he knew that people often unconsciously chose the direction that corresponded to their dominant hand when forced to make a decision.

He prayed to the Maker she hadn't gone left instead. As Vigilance carried him forward, Cullen's eyes swept from side to side, sharp as a hawk’s. _There!_ He spied a hulking black shape barely concealed by tree branches and reined up beside it, feeling a jolt of satisfaction as Phaeron snorted a greeting.

Tying Vigilance to a branch and discarding his mantle in a snap decision, he forged ahead. Shai was going to wish he'd never been born; he was of half a mind to drag her in ropes to Redcliffe. Sweat beaded at his temples and coursed down the sides of his face as he trekked through the woods; his armor was suffocating and it was making his task unnecessarily hard.

Cullen unsheathed his sword and settled for hacking foliage out of his way, taking his anger out on the inanimate objects around him, the act of physically hitting something a tremendous stress reliever. He felt better with each swing of his sword and made a mental note to remove himself to the woods around Haven when he needed to let off some steam. His arm was poised to slice through another branch when the sound of voices stopped him cold. Crouching he strained to hear who was talking. 

"We've been out 'ere for ages and we 'aven't found shite," someone groaned, a man by the sound of his deep timbre. 

"They're around here somewhere keep lookin,' " a woman snapped, her accent distinctly Ferelden.

"They're long gone Falla. Look at these tracks, they're at least a day old. The Mages 'ave moved on, prolly gone to Redcliffe and begged sanctuary. We should turn back," a third voice piped up, another man. 

"No," Falla barked, "those rats took out Gideon and Marra. We can't just let them go. Spread out and look." 

 _Templars_ , Cullen thought. He tried to shuffle soundlessly backwards but stopped as the hairs on the back of his neck stood up in a learned sixth sense and he realized he wasn't alone. A dagger came to rest against his throat a second later, it's point turning into his skin. 

"Drop your sword." 

He felt a shuddery sigh of relief leave him; it was Shai.

"Sh—" 

"Drop. It. And make peace with your Maker while you’re at it Templar," she cut him off, pressing her blade harder against his throat. _Move or she’s going to slit your throat_. Cullen's muscles coiled and released as he sprang into action. Bracing his hands on the ground in front of him he swept his leg backwards hooking Shai's ankles out from under her.

She went down with a muffled thump and Cullen whirled and lunged to keep her from regaining her footing. He caught her around her waist from the back and let his weight take them both to the ground. He climbed up her body to get to her wrists as she heaved beneath him, trying to twist and turn her way free. Shai's elbow shot back and connected with his nose and Cullen bit off a yelp of pain as his eyes watered.

He grunted and pinned her arm down with a little more force than necessary. She'd thrown her staff and dropped her dagger when she fell, but her right hand was now reaching out for the latter desperately, her fingers grasping leaves and earth as they fumbled for the hilt. Cullen's hand shot out and grabbed her wrist, squeezing with a death like grip. Shai growled and snarled beneath him as she fought his control, fought it like her life depended on it and belatedly Cullen realized Shai probably thought it did.

"Herald, it's me, its Cull-" 

Her leg snapped up and her heel hit him square in the back causing his breath to leave him in a whoosh as he straightened up and arched at the contact. His grip on her upper body gone momentarily, she lunged towards her dagger. It was back in her hand quick as lightning and she rolled to face him. He grabbed her forearm just as she brought her dagger towards his face and slammed it back down, his other hand fumbling for her left arm to restrain it. 

"Stop it's me!" He panted. Her eyes were large, the dilated pupils completely erasing the green of them and her chest was heaving. She had a shallow cut across her cheek and there was dirt smeared across her forehead. Her hair was loose from its normal bun and curled around her face in a tangled cloud, filled with pieces of twigs and leaves.

She looked at him dazedly then her gaze sharpened as it moved to where he still held her arms pinned. Mumbling an apology Cullen let go and sat back then realized he was now straddling her when her eyebrows rose at the contact. He scrambled off awkwardly and knelt beside her as she sat up and brushed herself off. 

"What in the hell were you doing?" Shai hissed in irritation, sliding her dagger back into her boot. Cullen gaped at her stupidly. 

"I was–-you were—you attacked me!" 

She snorted in disbelief as she pushed herself to her feet. "Attacked you? I held a dagger to your throat Commander, that's hardly an attack." 

"An attempted one," he blurted as he too dusted himself off and rose. "In any case I was looking for you since you decided to run away without warning, presumably to reach the Mages by yourself," he pointed an accusatory finger in her face. She knocked it out of the way and planted her hands on her hips. 

"So you tackled me? That was your way of dealing out punishment?" 

"I tackled you to restrain you, nothing more." 

"Bet you enjoyed it," Shai smirked, running her tongue along her bottom lip, her eyes unfocused and heated with adrenaline. 

"I beg your pardon," Cullen said, convinced he hadn't heard her right. 

"I said I bet you enjoyed it. Tell me Commander is that the most action you've gotten in years?" She tilted her head to the side almost coquettishly. Cullen's lip curled in disgust at her implication and his posture stiffened.

"Lets go. You've delayed us long enough and we won't reach Redcliffe until nightfall now. And don’t think I’ll neglect to fill the other advisors in on your attempted treason." 

Shai rolled her eyes at his wording, crossed her arms, and squared her shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere until I take care of them." 

"Who's them?!" Cullen barked irritably, picking a twig out of his hair and flicking it away. Shai clapped her hand over his mouth. 

"Keep your voice down or they'll hear us."

He wrenched himself away from her touch, his retort dying on his tongue as a branch snapped behind him and Shai's look of fear came back mixed with a fainter one of exasperation directed at him. 

"Well, well, well what do we 'ave 'ere?"

For the second time that day, Cullen felt the cold steel of a blade against his neck.

++++ 

Shai pitched forward as the Templar who apprehended her and Cullen shoved them both into the middle of a clearing, her knees biting into the dirt alongside Cullen's. She bit her lip on a cry of pain as her joint connected with a particularly sharp rock. She'd come across the rogue Templars an hour after leaving the forward camp and discovered they were looking for Mages after eavesdropping. All plans of reaching Redcliffe--sans Cullen and his hard on for the Order--to offer the Mages an alliance had been abandoned. 

She'd listened to the Templars joke about all the things they were going to do once they caught some of "those filthy, fuckin' abominations" and her teeth had clenched until she thought her jaw might snap. She’d been just about to set a static cage and trap them all when Cullen's blundering ass had ruined everything. And now it very much looked like they were both about to get their throats slit thanks to the Commander and his wonderful timing. 

"Caught these two in the woods!" The Templar called, his sword tip moving to rest against Shai's back as he no doubt sensed her mana surging; she certainly could feel the lyrium radiating from him. Falla and the other Templar materialized nearby, stalking towards them. 

"Not one of the ones we were looking for eh?" 

Falla shook her head her eyes carefully scanning Shai's face for familiarity. "No doesn’t look like it, but a Mage all the same. Good work Rolfe, and who is this?" 

Rolfe's armor rustled as he shrugged. "Dunno, found 'em with her." 

Falla strode forward and unsheathed her sword inserting the tip of it under Cullen's jaw and raising his face. She studied him for a few seconds then removed her blade the steel rasping against his stubble. 

"He's of no use to us, the Mage is the one we want. Here," Falla threw a coil of rope to Rolfe. "Bind them." 

Rolfe knelt behind Shai and quickly tied her wrists together snugging the rope until it bit into her flesh. Cullen received the same treatment and he winced at the roughness of his bonds. 

"Rolfe she's yours," Falla sneered. Shai felt her face blanch as Rolfe came around into her line of sight his tongue smoothing over chapped lips as he licked them in anticipation. Beside her Cullen stiffened. 

"She's a little banged up but she'll do," Rolfe leered leaning down to grasp Shai's chin between his thumb and forefinger. His nails were crusted with dirt and flecks of blood. "She looks nice and soft. Pretty too, though I suspect she'll look even better with my cock in 'er mouth." He gave a sick laugh, one that promised a world of pain he would enjoy inflicting.  

Shai pooled saliva in her mouth, gathered it, and spit it into Rolfe's grinning face. 

"Argh! Why you little-" he raised his arm to strike her but Falla grasped his wrist and caught it midair. 

"Calm yourself brother. There could be more than the two of them out there. We need to make certain we aren't surrounded." 

Rolfe glared in defiance at Falla but let his hand drop back to his side though his eyes remained pointedly on Shai. 

"Go with Lucian and do a perimeter search. I'll stay here with these two," Falla commanded. Rolfe adjusted his grip on his sword while the Templar Lucian nocked an arrow and then they both disappeared into the surrounding woods. Cullen's shoulders twitched as he worked to free his hands but Rolfe's knots held tight through all his efforts. Shai, on the other hand, remained still letting her gaze bore into Falla's. The Templar’s flint colored eyes met her pale green ones with vehemence and Falla's lip pulled into a snarl. 

"Tryin' to curse me Mage?" 

Shai grinned wolfishly in response and let her shoulders rise in a half shrug. Falla's eyes narrowed to slits and her mouth thinned. 

"You keep on doing that and I'll make you a head shorter." 

"I'd like to see you try," Shai bit out. Falla stepped forward suddenly and wrapped one gloved hand in the front of Shai's leathers pulling her nearly nose-to-nose. 

"You've got some fight but I'm gonna enjoy watchin' Rolfe beat it out of you. I suspose they'll hear you all the way at Redcliffe." 

Shai snarled and her vision clouded over to red. She felt her hands begin to heat with a forming fireball.  _You're dead Falla...you're dead._ Everything went black and her body felt as if it'd been slammed into a wall. A ringing deafened her ears joined in rapid succession by her heavy pulse. She blinked blindly, her cheek pressing into the ground, something suspiciously warm trickling across her forehead. She moaned as her stomach swam with nausea. _What the fuck?!_  

As her ears cleared, a disjointed laugh assaulted them, starting dim and growing louder with every second. Slowly the darkness that had commandeered her eyes began to dissipate and the clearing came back to her, fuzzy and out of focus at first before everything reasserted itself. She blinked again, trying to look around but finding it incredibly difficult in light of the fact she was apparently lying face down on the ground.

"Och, it's been a while since I've seen a spell purge that strong. How come you ain't in the armor then? Deserter like the rest of us? Nah, you're too clean looking for that."

"Soldier, as former Knight-Captain of Kirkwall I--"

"Oh sod off. The Orders gone down the pisser. Ain't no one still wearin' the armor in these parts who gives a holy fuck what happens to it. You ain't getting no special treatment here. Least you took care of this here bitch for me."

 _Least you took care of this--no, that fucking bastard_. Shai struggled to try and sit up, only succeeding in further grinding herself into the dirt interspersed with frustrated grunts. A pair of rough, unkind hands hooked themselves under her biceps and hauled her backwards. She found herself once again on her knees, a little worse for wear as she slumped forward slightly. Falla walked out from behind her, the Templar still laughing.

"Busted up your mug pretty bad. Then again, no less than you deserve. You and the rest of the bloody apostates fuckin' up the land. You're gettin' what's coming to you, just you wait." Falla spit, barely missing the front of Shai's breeches. Shai gritted her teeth and glared as the Templar turned away from them to take up occupancy on a nearby rock, bracing her sword across her knees.

Shai swiveled to look at Cullen, her jaw working angrily as she took in the set way he was regarding her. 

"You," she spit, shocked and outraged he would dare drain her of her magic. "Fuck you." 

Cullen shook his head slowly. "I had to do it! You were losing your temper, it was a natural reaction." 

"Losing my temper? Did you hear what she said? They're going to hand me over to that...that..." Shai choked on her words, unable to finish her sentence.

"I know what she said. But egging her on won’t help us." 

Shai gave a short bark of bitter laughter. "I wouldn't expect you to understand. It was a _natural_ reaction for you to do this to me. And you all wore the same armor after all." 

"I am _nothing_ like them," Cullen hissed his eyes flashing. "I  _never_ treated Mages like objects." 

Shai scoffed and looked away. "I bet," she muttered. She didn't want to admit it but it hurt that he would use his abilities on her. Rolfe and Lucian returned some minutes later to confer with Falla, their voices too muffled to understand. Shai felt a shiver go through her as Rolfe sent her a pointed look. 

"Can you burn your rope off?" Cullen's voice was so quiet she almost didn't hear him. 

"What?" 

"I said can you burn your rope off? Can you free yourself?" 

Shai glared at him. "Why? You want some more practice neutralizing me?" 

Cullen swore under his breath. "Really? Of all the times to be difficult you're going to choose now?" 

Shai shrugged in indifference. 

"Fine let’s both die then," Cullen ground out, his eyes flashing. 

"Oh don't be so dramatic," Shai scorned. She kept her eyes on the Templars talking nearby, hoping their conference would continue long enough for she and Cullen to get an escape plan in place. 

"Yes I can burn through my rope." 

"But your staff and my sword are back in the woods. We're defenseless." 

"Please," she snorted, "a Mage is never defenseless. You on the other hand would be dead pretty fast,” she remarked with a pointed, disdainful once over, noting Cullen tensing in irritation. Maybe she _should_ let him get knocked around a bit, would serve him right for performing a spell purge on her. "Relax, I'll cut you loose. Just go get our weapons and don't leave me here to deal with these fucks on my own."  

Cullen nodded. "Understood."

Shai cupped her palms behind her and concentrated on conjuring a small flame. She felt the heat of it against her skin and then, as she rotated her wrists inwards, felt her binds giving. With a nary a noise they were off and Shai eyed the Templars carefully. They were still talking and she breathed a small sigh of relief. Getting Cullen untied was going to be difficult. Short of just jumping up and going for it, there was no way to actually manage it discreetly. 

"Ok," Shai said out of the side of her mouth. "I'm going to cut you free. Run like hell, alright?"

"Alright," Cullen breathed. "Get me out." 

Shai took a deep breath, said a silent prayer to the Maker she'd live to see tomorrow, and lunged behind Cullen her right hand already curled around a flame. His ropes were singed off in seconds and he leapt to his feet taking off at a near sprint.

Falla, Rolfe, and Lucian all looked dumbstruck as Shai shot her left hand out and gathered all her mana into producing a static cage. A twisting ball of purple and white light materialized over the three and lightning bolts shot down towards the ground effectively trapping them.

"I thought you bound them!" Falla shouted as she drew her sword then froze, clearly at a loss of what to do next. 

"I did! The bitch cut herself loose!" Rolfe retorted his eyes flicking anxiously from side to side taking in the lightning surrounding him. _Three Templars versus one, little Mage and they're ready to piss themselves,_ Shai thought with a stab of satisfaction.

"Herald!" 

Her right hand automatically reached out as Cullen lobbed her staff through the air. She snatched it and twirled it through her fingers, more than ready to do battle. Cullen came up beside her, sword held before him with both hands. 

"How long will that last?" 

"Couple more seconds maybe a little longer. Which one do you want?" 

He looked confused at her question then his face cleared as he made the connection. "I'll take him," Cullen said, nodding towards Lucian. Shai grunted her approval and fixed Falla with a withering stare. 

"Then that leaves everyone else for me."

Without further preamble Shai sprinted forward conjuring an immolation spell. The grass beneath Falla and Rolfe's feet suddenly erupted into flames and the two of them screamed in pain. They turned to flee but were yanked backwards into the dirt by tendrils of lightning.

The cage gave another two crackles and dissipated leaving the air smelling charred. Cullen wasted no time in propelling himself towards Lucian, dodging an ill aimed arrow as the Templar went to nock his bow again. Shai cast a barrier around herself as Falla struggled to her feet, a nasty gash on her forehead dripping blood down her face.

Her teeth were bared in a growl and her eyes were wide with fury. An inarticulate scream left her and she charged forward. Behind her, Rolfe lay face down. Shai had no time to wonder whether he was dead or not before Falla's sword slashed right in front of her face. She leapt backwards, barely avoiding an arc that would have cleaved her in two. 

"Come 'ere you fuckin' filthy Mage!" 

Shai brought her staff up blocking another incoming blow, the force of it sliding her backwards a few inches, her boots digging up dirt. Falla gave another cry and raised her sword above her head ready to bring it down in a fatal strike. Shai fade stepped past her hearing the _thunk_ of the Templar's blade burying itself in the ground.

She glanced at Cullen to see him parrying careless thrusts from Lucian who had retrieved Rolfe's sword from next to his body. The Templar was clearly an archer not a warrior and it showed in how exhausted he was becoming from the sheer physicality of hand to hand combat. Shai went cold and whipped around to see Falla stalking towards her, shoulders hunched and head lowered bullishly.

"Let's see how well you fight without your magic," the Templar hissed, her hands rhythmically clenching and unclenching. Her sword dragged along the ground as she walked, its point leaving deep furrows in the earth. Shai gritted her teeth trying to fight the second spell purge but she was powerless to stop it. She blacked out again, coming back to herself by bits and pieces, feeling like she'd been picked up by a wave and dashed against the rocks. 

Her vision swam as she blinked owlishly, willing her eyesight back as she lay stupidly on the ground, her staff gone from her grip. She managed to crawl--somehow-- on hands and knees, working to put distance between her and the advancing Templar. Falla's face wavered into focus, its expression murderous. 

"That's right Mage. Say your last words, you’re about to meet your Maker soon," Falla sneered as she stalked closer. Shai got her feet under her and bolted to the side to find herself abruptly headed off by Falla; she felt suddenly like a rabbit caught in a snare, thrashing desperately to and fro knowing the hunter was coming. She could run for the trees behind her though how far she'd get she didn't know.

Shai made the conscious decision to try her luck and lunged at the same time Falla swung, feeling her side explode in pain. She went down hard, her blood coursing hot and thick over her skin, but made herself crawl away.  _Get up, get up, get up!_ Every second she expected to feel Falla's sword delivering the killing blow to her defenseless back but it never came and a quick glance over her shoulder showed why.

Falla stood with a twitching expression of horror on her face, her arms slack at her sides, her sword lying at her feet. Cullen's blade had gone clean through her armor protruding grotesquely from her chest plate. He yanked it backwards with a grating resistance and Falla went down on her knees, wavering slightly before falling forward to rest on the ground, her head turned to the side and eyes staring unseeing. 

Shai's breath made a whistling noise as she exhaled, her side protesting the movement and making her yelp. Cullen looked at her shrewdly his eyes zeroing in on her wound. 

"You're hurt," he said taking a step towards her. Shai stopped him with a hand and pushed herself to her feet, shaking off his help when he went to grasp her arm and help her up. 

"I'm fine.” She wrapped her arm around herself resisting the urge to gag when she felt with her own hand just how deep Falla's blade had gone. Her fingers made a squelching noise as they slid through her torn side and she felt nauseously faint. Cullen shook his head imperceptibly at her, his expression disapproving. 

"Get your leathers off and let me take a look." 

"Just leave it, I'll fix it in a second," Shai tried to sound confident but her voice wavered; _bloody hell, it really fucking hurts_. "They're all dead?" 

Cullen nodded looking behind him at the fallen Templars. 

"All of them. Who were they looking for?" He asked. 

"Mages. I came across them on the road and followed them for—what?" 

Cullen's face clouded over and his eyes darkened with anger. 

"You followed them? Maker's breath Herald you're what, one against three Templars and you followed them?! First you purposely try and leave me behind then you go and get us both nearly killed? Of all the selfish things to do!" His voice rang out loudly making a few birds squawk and take flight from surrounding trees. 

"Well if you hadn't shown up when you did I would've had this handled!" 

"Oh really? Forgive me if I don't believe you." Cullen snapped at her, going to run a hand through his hair then stopping as he caught sight of his glove covered in blood. With a look of disgust he wiped it on his breeches leaving a maroon stain. 

"We won't even reach Redcliffe by tonight at this rate and that's  _if_ you can travel with that injury anytime soon. Maker’s breath, you're the most inconveniencing person I’ve ever met!" 

Shai gawked at him. Here she stood bleeding out from a wound that she needed to tend to and he was going to yell at her?! 

"Do you even stop to consider what you're about to--" 

 _Thwack!_ Cullen's eyes widened in surprise and he staggered forwards, one hand reaching out blindly to Shai. His knees buckled and he dropped to the ground an arrow protruding from his back, slipped between the plates of his armor. Shai's eyes bugged, as she looked from him to Rolfe who was kneeling with Lucian's bow in hand, his grinning face covered in dirt and blood. 

_Guess the bastard wasn't dead after all..._

Throwing up a rapidly depleting barrier around herself, Shai hobbled to her staff hoping she could get there before Rolfe found his next mark in her back. She snatched her weapon and turned, simultaneously conjuring a lightning bolt. It arced down just shy of where Rolfe was, missing by a hairsbreadth. 

"For fuck’s sake!" She hurried to cast another before the Templar could recover himself enough to move. This one connected and Rolfe dropped like a sack of stones, smoke curling off his body. She felt her shoulders sag in relief and looked to where Falla and Lucian lay to conclude there would be no more surprises. Both Templars were face down in pools of their own blood with visible wounds from Cullen's sword, very much dead. 

A sharp stab of pain reminded her she was injured and badly so. Sinking down to the ground, Shai went to work gingerly peeling her leathers away from her side. She hissed as her fingers probed at her wound, mentally trying to get an idea of how deep and long it was.

Deciding she could staunch it temporarily she cast a healing spell, feeling her flesh heat and then slowly knit back together. Cullen was still on the ground unconscious--and hopefully not dead--a dark stain spreading from where the arrow was imbedded in his back. Shai left him momentarily to examine one of the arrows left in Lucian's quiver, counting her lucky stars none were barbed. She could pull the arrow out and Cullen wouldn't bleed to death on her watch. Then she would be able to seal him up fairly easily.

Neither of them was in any shape to travel and she knew their only option was to make camp. She hoped Cullen wouldn't be too infuriated when he awoke at the significant loss of travel time, decided she could handle him if he was, and ripped a strip of fabric from her undershirt, setting to work staunching his wound. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter picks up ;) stay tuned


	4. Well...shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Cullen groaned and struggled to open his eyes. The spot just below his left shoulder blade was throbbing and he reached to investigate. 

"No don't touch it." Shai's voice came from above him and she swatted his hand. He blinked up at her noting first how disheveled she was and secondly how the sky beyond her had turned dark. Then it all came rushing back to him: her disappearance from the forward camp and their subsequent skirmish with the Templars. He pushed himself upright from where he lay on a pallet.

A fire crackled beside him and he saw Vigilance and Phaeron grazing nearby.  _At least she didn't lose us the horses_ , he thought, his anger awakening. Shai was watching him with extreme caution and scooted backwards to put some distance between them. As a small breeze hit he realized she'd stripped him down to just his breeches and boots and his ears burned with the thought of her undressing him.

Strips of linen had been wrapped clumsily around his upper chest though, since he hadn't bled out yet, he guessed they would serve. But as soon as they got to Redcliffe he'd need to find— _Bloody hell, Redcliffe_! They were supposed to be at Redcliffe by now, not sitting in the middle of the woods! Cullen groaned as he realized they'd lost an entire day of traveling. Furthermore this would delay their meeting with the Lord Seeker at Therinfal. For the hundreth time since starting this trip, he bemoaned why it had to be him accompanying the Herald. 

"Where are you going?" Shai asked as Cullen rolled and got to his feet. He didn't deign her with an answer, his tongue momentarily refusing to work as he choked on how furious he was. Instead he headed towards Vigilance, his eyes casting about for his tack. 

"Commander, where are you going?" 

He whirled with a snarl. "To Redcliffe, Herald. We. Are. Going. To. Redcliffe. Exactly like we should have done this morning!" 

"You mean before I fucked up." 

"Precisely," Cullen spit. Shai crossed her arms and squared her stance. 

"You're welcome," she said and Cullen blinked. 

"What?!" 

"I said you're welcome. For saving your life." 

"I'm welcome? I'm welcome?! You want me to thank you for not leaving me there to bleed to death?!" 

She shrugged casually. "It would be a start." 

Cullen's face flushed with anger and his hands curled into fists at his sides. His blood was boiling and he wanted to take the Herald and shake some sense into her. His temper reached fever pitch and toppled over the edge. 

"Let's get one thing straight. You almost cost us our lives today and not only would the Inquisition have had neither the Mages or Templars, but there isn't exactly a replacement rift closer running around. But of course you didn't think about that because you’re too shallow to understand the full spectrum of your actions. Let me finish!" He roared when she opened her mouth to interrupt. 

"Since the first day we've met all you've done is proven how insubordinate and vindictive someone can be. That ends now. You will not run off again from now until we return to Haven, you will listen to my orders because they are for our own good, and you will cooperate with this mission and not attempt to sabotage it further. Are we clear?" His tirade brought him toe-to-toe with Shai and he glared down at her, their faces inches apart.

Her eyes flashed in anger and her chin rose; if she wanted to argue with him that was well and fine. He'd had enough of her and the fact that she'd carelessly endangered both of them today was something he couldn't overlook. What would have happened if they'd both been slain? Who would be able to close the rifts without the mark? No one and the whole world would suffer for it. Without a word Shai turned on her heel. He watched flabbergasted as she started gathering her saddle and bridle. 

"And where do you think you're going?" Cullen ground out. She didn't deign to answer, her back ramrod straight. Cullen took two quick steps and spun her around to face him. "You're not leaving."

"The blazes I am!" Shai challenged trying to twist herself free from his grip. Cullen tightened his fingers around her arm and tugged her closer. 

"You will stay put or I will bind you. That's a promise." 

"Go for it," she said lowly and he recognized her thinly veiled threat for what it was. His eyes narrowed as he glared at her, mentally willing her to stand down; he would perform another spell purge if he had to. 

"Scared Commander?" Shai baited him. "I know what you're thinking of doing and you're welcome to try it. I'll knock your lights out." 

Cullen's veins buzzed with a rise of adrenaline and he felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. 

"Stop," he commanded through gritted teeth. 

"Make me," she retorted. Cullen grinned though it didn't reach his eyes. 

"It would be my pleasure." And then he was tugging her behind him as he strode towards where she'd piled their saddlebags, holding her up as she stumbled. 

"Let go!" Shai yelled but he ignored her, jerking her sharply when she started to dig her heels in. She nearly fell over at his insistence and he finally released her as they reached the bags. He rummaged quickly knowing she'd put as much space between them as she could if he left her for too long. He retrieved a coil of rope and turned to find Shai in a crouch her staff somehow in her hand though he'd sworn it had been nowhere near them. 

"Do you really want to do this?" He asked, surprised at how even sounding his voice was even underlined by his rage. Shai's lips thinned and he guessed that was his response. He lunged for her as he had earlier in the woods, their bodies connecting with a muffled thump. She cried out as she went down and he briefly remembered she was injured too but then her fist came towards his face and he lost his concern as he fought to pin her down.

For someone he stood a good six inches taller than--and outweighed by at least fifty pounds--she was damned hard to restrain. Her hips bucked with her shoulders as she once again fought to throw him off. If he weren’t absolutely positive she'd end him if he let go, it would've been funny how they were rolling about like a pair of unruly kids. 

"Be still!" He panted into her face. She paid his order no mind and indeed it seemed only to inflame her more. A frustrated scream tore its way from her throat and briefly Cullen debated getting off her and settling this in a more civilized way. He felt remarkably immature for this, but Shai had pushed him and now it felt a little too late to turn back. Besides, all the pent up animosity between them had finally spilled over and he didn't think it was going to get settled any other way at the moment. 

"Get off for fuck's sake!" Shai yelled, turning her head to the side.

"Stop fighting me and I will!" 

"Get stuffed!" She spit back and Cullen rolled his eyes. _Why in the Void did her stubborn streak seem to have no end?!_ He tried to get a better hold on her wrists but they were both sweating and her skin was slippery to the touch. Without warning, Shai went slack beneath him and Cullen almost lost his hold on her at the sudden change.

He puffed as he sat up straight, pulling Shai's wrists into a crisscross with one hand while fumbling the rope under and around them with the other. He was just about to tie the first knot in her bindings when she caught fire under him and gave a forceful jerk. Her wrists slipped right through his fingers, as did the rope. Cullen dove for her arms immediately, his position on top giving him a distinct advantage. 

"Stop damnit!" The cords in Shai's neck stood out as she renewed her struggles. Cullen growled fiercely; he'd had enough of this and his shoulder was hurting mightily from its wound. He was in no mood or shape to continue this. Shai was damn well going to submit or he'd tie her entire body up, not just her arms. 

"No!" He shouted into her face leaning down so they were nose to nose. Both of them were flushed and their breaths mingled as their chests heaved. Her pale green cat eyes defiantly met his golden ones, an intense heat in her stare. He became acutely aware that he'd ended up straddling her hips; furthermore he was shirtless and chest-to-chest with her, his hands holding her arms above her head. His cock twitched in his pants at the feeling of his hips pressed against her own. 

Shai's eyes narrowed at the contact and he tracked the movement with his own, watching her pupils dilate at the prolonged contact of their bodies. His brain was sending off warning bells that he needed to pull away immediately, put some distance between them. His mind was thinking back to the moment he'd caught Shai in just her breast band and smalls, the startled cry she'd given, the way he'd frozen at the sight of her skin, mesmerized by the bareness of it. For a fleeting second, he'd entertained finishing revealing her nakedness in that instant, a dark compulsion he'd quickly smothered. But now it was rearing its head again. 

"Herald," he uttered, unsure of why his mouth chose to form those two syllables. Whatever he was planning to say was lost as Shai crushed her mouth to his. He tried to pull back--at least his panicking brain told his body to move away--but it was like his receptors had shut down because he fell into her kiss hungrily. He didn't know what he was doing, never mind _why_ he was doing it. This was a person he couldn't stand to be around, what was going on?! 

"Ah!" He broke away bringing a hand to his mouth, fingers coming away with a streak of blood. Shai smirked smugly up at him, her mouth quirked in a grin, lips swollen and glistening, their halted fight continued in a new way. _She bit me_ , he thought with a burst of anger. _She bloody bit me_. He should have ended it there, used that bite as a way for sense to reassert itself.

But he didn't, and he fell back upon Shai with a hungry growl, reason and logic thrown to the wind as his very being filled with excitement. Being intimate with a woman wasn’t something foreign--he was no virgin--but it had been...a while. Longer than he would like to admit, really, and it was something of a daunting process in which he found himself engaged.

He was free falling, trying to think one step ahead of where he was to keep from freezing. He wanted this badly, evidenced by the front of his breeches but found himself lost in the speed at which things were moving, not sure anymore which way was up and which was down; all the animosity between them had finally culminated and broken open like a dam. Neglecting a backwards thought, he gave himself over to instinct, trusting his ingrained senses to see him through. 

He ground himself into Shai, feeling his cock harden more with every second until it was borderline painful how badly he needed release, how badly he wanted her. Her leg hooked over his hip and tugged him closer, eyes daring him to take the leap. And Maker help him, he jumped. 

Fumbling between them, he brought his hand to her waistband, fingers skittering across the slit of skin that was exposed between the hem of her shirt and the top of her breeches. When she didn't stop him, he let his digits go lower, darting beneath the confines of her clothes. He felt more bare flesh and then a patch of curls and he buried his mouth in her neck, moaning heatedly against her.

The tip of his index finger encountered wetness the further down it sunk and his breath caught in his throat as the rest of his fingers followed. She was soaked against his questing appendages, coating them in her juices. When her breeches and smalls prevented what he dared to do--caught up in the moment as he was--Cullen leaned away to yank them down her legs, his expression determined. 

Her legs fell open as soon as they were freed from their cloth confines and his mouth went dry at the sight of her sex. He brought his hand back to the apex of her thighs, stroking through her folds in one quick motion. She shuddered, her thighs inching closer together at the feeling as if to contain his touch. Cullen chanced a look at Shai's face and found she was propped up on her elbows, watching his progress.

Holding eye contact with her, as if asking her permission every step of the way, he let his index and middle finger sink into her depths. Shai's head fell back and her pelvis jerked towards him, stating the wordless demand of "more." He let his digits sink as far as he could, withdrawing them only to plunge them back in, curling and twisting them. Shai's leg raised as she angled to meet his thrusts, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

Cullen's eyes were riveted to his fingers, mesmerized by them sliding back and forth, thoroughly wet and glistening. Abruptly they weren't enough. His cock throbbed insistently--drops of pre-cum dampening his smalls--and he felt a primitive urge deep within to bury himself in her over and over. He hurriedly undid the laces of his breeches, his thick shaft springing free to strain halfway up his stomach, ending in a plump and flushed head.

He pushed his pants down to mid-thigh, too impatient to undress completely before lining himself at Shai's entrance. He held his breath as he pushed into her, eyes nearly rolling back in his head at how good she felt encompassing him; it was like the rest of the world melted away and all his focus was centered on his cock inside her. Her muscles contracted around his length every step of the way as she let loose a high, keening noise. 

Cullen seated himself fully, dropping his forehead against Shai’s shoulder as he groaned, planting both hands on either side of her head. Shakily he started to move, pulling out then rolling his hips back into her, his motions devoid of any finesse. She shuddered around his length and dropped her hands to his backside, digging her nails into his buttocks, spurring him on. His full weight came down on her, aligning them chest to chest and he grunted as he felt her teeth bite into his shoulder. 

He hooked an arm under her leg and opened her to penetrate more deeply, his thrusts growing more forceful as his pleasure intensified. The smack of their skin meeting filled the night air to mingle with their pants and moans. There was nothing calculated or smooth about the way he drove himself into her; it was riddled with a sense of insatiability and franticness as if his life depended on it.

 _More, more, more, more_. It was the only word his mind could form. He wanted more, _needed_ it, faster, harder, longer but he was going to finish well before he wanted and definitely before Shai did. With a jumbled curse Cullen went rigid, the muscles in his arms locking and his buttocks clenching. Dimly he realized he was still inside her and pulled away in the nick of time, his seed splashing the ground between them as he came, kneeling, with a loud cry.

His heart beat loudly in his ears and he heard Shai gasp as the cooler night air hit her nakedness. Their heavy breathing filled the silence and he returned to himself with a crushing awareness of what just happened. _Maker, but I took her like some sort of...beast!_ His eyes met Shai’s and he found her flushed and sweating, loose tendrils of hair plastered to her face, her mouth parted slightly.

She looked wanton and thoroughly debauched and he felt an immense wave of embarrassment and shame crash over him. His cock hung loose, softening more with every second and he jerkily pulled his breeches up from where they’d come to rest at the top of his calves. Cullen couldn’t bring himself to look at her as he got to his feet and his face burned fiercely, worse than it ever had before. _Maker take me...and Maker damn me_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this sucked dudes, smut is really hard so hopefully it gets easier. Also Cullen is a damned hard character to write but practice makes perfect right?


	5. Of Venatori and Heralds Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's enjoying so far *1 person actually reading this fanfic*  
> Shorter chapter to give some reprieve

The next morning found Shai bleary eyed, sore, and quite embarrassed albeit intrigued. Last night she and Cullen had separated from each other quickly once sense reasserted itself after their...tryst? Fucking? Coupling? Whatever it had been it was a one and done thing, an impulsive mistake that wouldn’t happen again. Shai had never seen someone blush as red as Cullen had at their unclothed state once they'd made eye contact after the deed was done.

He’d scrambled for his clothes, mumbling what sounded like hasty apologies as he tossed hers at her. She was still too busy comprehending what had happened to focus clearly on what he was saying but she’d gathered he was thoroughly mortified at their behavior. They’d worked in overbearingly awkward silence to set their tents up and then each had quickly ducked into their respective shelter for the night.

Shai had fallen into a fitful sleep waking at early dawn from a particularly vivid dream of Cullen between her legs, her sex throbbing in remembrance of the feeling of his cock. As she stumbled from her tent she noticed him crouched beside the embers of the campfire, trying to stoke them into something useful. She was about to re-enter her tent before he could see her but his head came up suddenly and their eyes locked. His face split between wariness and embarrassment, his cheeks already turning a faint pink at the sight of her.

“Um...hi.” Shai said hesitantly.

“Hi,” Cullen responded, carefully neutral. They stood staring at each other for a minute and then Shai gathered her courage and came to sit near him. He tensed slightly and she ground her teeth.  _Oh don't act all innocent now._

“So Redcliffe today, right?”

“That is correct.”

Shai wrinkled her nose at his short response and drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. This ride was going to be miserable and she had no one to blame but herself. What had made her kiss him? She wished she knew. She’d wanted to claw his eyes out when he’d tackled her, had been fighting tooth and nail to get out from under him.

And then, something had changed. Perhaps it was due to him straddling her, their pelvises dangerously close to each other. Or maybe it was him invading her personal space to come nose to nose with her, his hands pinning her wrists above her head, his naked chest against her own as they panted with exertion, his eyes locking onto hers with a deep seated heat that was three parts anger and one part--dare she think it?--attraction. Or it could have been for a bevy of other reasons that they found themselves suddenly rolling around in a much different way. And then it had been...well...hot, very hot. Never mind it was over far too soon; it was a memory to hold onto, one that would see her through lonely nights ahead.

She didn’t think Cullen would have it in him, always striking her as so rigid she’d just assumed he’d taken the Templar vows of celibacy. But that certainly had been no celibate man last night thrusting inside her. Shai cleared her throat hastily averting her eyes as her cheeks flamed at her thoughts. She shifted where she sat, her clothes feeling a little too tight. Cullen had coaxed the embers into mild flames while she’d been lost in thought and he was busying himself preparing some food for them.

“Coffee?” She blurted. He frowned at her then his brow smoothed.

“In there,” he said inclining his head towards his saddlebags. Shai mumbled a “thanks” and went to rummage for the tin can of grounds. She found a small pot and dumped some water into it from a canteen, adding a few spoonfuls of coffee before returning to the fire. _So where does last night leave us now_ , she thought as she watched Cullen out of the corner of her eye.

True, one isolated romp didn’t go much towards changing her overall opinion of him, but she wasn’t naïve enough to think it didn’t change their dynamic somehow or that a possible undercurrent of attraction didn't now run between them. Part of her wanted to bring it up if only to clear the air but she kept her mouth shut tight to prevent any unbidden words from escaping.

 _Probably best to pretend like it didn’t happen_ , she decided. Cullen wasn't going to approach her about it either way and for now, they could let the situation rest in the past. They ate quickly the porridge he made, making sure to keep their mouths full with food so there was a reason not to attempt conversation. She drank the majority of the coffee with Cullen waving her off when she offered him some, and by the end of their meal Shai was feeling jittery and far too wired.

They tacked their horses within minutes and set off through the woods, weaving their way past fallen trees and overgrown roots until they finally emerged on the road. Cullen was once more in the lead and he set a quick pace. They rode steadily through the morning and early afternoon, stopping once to let the horses drink. By early evening they crossed onto the King’s Highway and under a crumbling arch with the village of Redcliffe just ahead. Shai was busy imagining the feather bed that was sure to be waiting when a shout sounded ahead and a guard came running up the road towards them.

“I want that rift monitored at all times!” she called back over her shoulder. “Don’t let anything past!”

The guard ran by them seemingly oblivious to their presence and Cullen spurred Vigilance forward with Shai close behind. _Andraste’s tits not another one_! As they came around a small hill she caught sight of the rift before them. It belched green light and collapsed in on itself as it twisted high above the road.

It brightened sickly for a second and beams shot out as it birthed a multitude of wraiths and a few shades. Shai was out of her saddle and sprinting towards the rift with her staff in hand before Cullen had even slowed his mount to a stop. She threw a hand out and put up a static cage detaining the demons farthest away so they would have time in their vastly outnumbered state to dispatch the closest ones.

“Take the left I’ll get the right!” Shai yelled over her shoulder. Not waiting for an answer she set a fire rune on the ground in front of her and began sending bolt after bolt of electricity at the shade closest her. The demon screeched as electricity charred its flesh but it kept coming. She held her ground until the last possible second then fade stepped to the right watching the shade launch into the air and land in a pile of ash.

She smiled in satisfaction then ducked as a wraith shot a sphere of green energy her way. Clapping her hands together Shai sent a charged bolt of lightning arcing down from above. The wraith disintegrated in a flash and she moved on to the next. By this time her static cage had worn off and she looked hurriedly at Cullen to make sure he was ready for the reinforcements coming.

He brought his shield up viciously and severed a shade’s head with the edge, black demon blood spurting from its shorn neck. A quick combat roll and powerful thrust of his sword make quick work of a wraith drawing its arms back to attack. He sprinted forward somewhat nimbly for all the armor he wore and cut down a third demon in his path. Shai realized she was watching in fascination when an ear splitting shriek wracked the air and diverted her attention. A lesser terror stood with its head thrown back as it appeared from the rift.

“Fuck,” she breathed. “Cullen!”

His head came up at her voice and he looked from her to the rift, sizing up their new opponent. She fade stepped to the spot next to him, staff already poised for another spell. 

“How do you want to do this?” Shai asked hurriedly, sweat streaming into her eyes and blurring her vision. The smell of demon blood was strong and it curdled her stomach with every breath. The shades surged over the ground fast closing the distance between them with the terror close, wait no, where had it--

She and Cullen both cried out in surprise as their feet went out from under them and they flew in different directions. Shai landed hard on her back but used her momentum to bring her feet over her head in a backwards somersault, recovering in a crouch. Cullen wasn’t so lucky and struggled to get his arm out from under him where it was still strapped to his shield.

The terror stood where they had been a second ago its eyes dark pits of unseeing nothingness. The shades were taking advantage of Cullen’s temporary immobility, spreading out to circle him and go in for the kill, yet some were seemingly moving in slow motion while others were almost double timing. The three closest to the fade rift were abruptly sucked back in only to reappear seconds later. _What in the fuck was that?!_

Keeping the advancing shades off Cullen with barrages of lightning from her staff, Shai got to his side and cast a barrier around them as he regained his footing. He pivoted to cover her flank and she in turn covered his. Working in tandem they struck down demon after demon, combining their efforts to kill the terror while dodging it as it tried to teleport beneath them.

Cullen kept its focus, taunting it as he sidestepped its outstretched claws while Shai sent foot high flames leaping up the terror’s legs with an immolation spell before flinging her left hand towards the rift to disrupt it.

The terror screamed but its cries cut off abruptly as Cullen cut through its torso and left it lying in a crumpled, green heap. Shai gritted her teeth in pain as the mark flared and sent searing heat rushing up her left arm as it tapped into the rift. Her head throbbed at the overload of energy coursing through her body and her vision blurred.

Cullen was saying something to her but she couldn’t understand his words; all her attention was focused on the shrinking green monstrosity above her. With a crackling noise the rift popped back into non-existence and Shai staggered forward as the mark’s connection severed. Strong hands caught her and steadied her, withdrawing once she'd re-gained her footing. Cullen was covered in demon blood down the front of his chest plate with some splashed across his neck. His face was streaked with sweat and his blonde waves were plastered to his forehead. He grimaced and moved a hand to his shoulder.

“Are you hurt?” Shai wiped her mouth removing the battle grime gathered on her lips. Cullen shook his head but his grimace didn’t disappear and he rolled his arm experimentally.

“Still sore from yesterday,” he explained.

_Yesterday?_

“Oh...you mean the arrow,” she said. He looked at her in confusion.

“Of course the arrow what else—” His words faltered and he made a choking sound. “I’m not that out of practice,” he snapped irritably, then screwed his eyes shut as if for patience. “Maker I didn’t mean it like that—I meant that I—just...never mind. We should find out why that rift was so close to Redcliffe it can’t be anything good.”

Cullen turned away from her direct gaze but she still caught the red color creeping up his neck.

“Don’t worry Commander. Truth be told... I’m more than a little saddle sore myself.”

She leaned in so as to put them uncomfortably close for her comment. Cullen swallowed wrong and erupted in a coughing fit, trying to pound his chest through his breastplate. Shai stifled a giggle as Cullen straightened and studiously avoided looking in her direction. The man really was so very easy to fluster.

“Maker have mercy! It’s over? Open the gates!” The guard they had passed earlier returning back down the road provided the perfect excuse for Cullen to put some distance between them. He went to meet her while Shai stayed behind and examined the spot where the rift had formed. _What made it seem to almost bend time around itself?_

There was no denying the rift had been different than the others she’d closed so far. It even felt different when the mark came into contact with it. She couldn’t explain exactly how, just that it had. There was no telling what they’d encounter within the village but she hoped someone there might be able to explain what they had just witnessed though she doubted anyone –including the Mages- had wanted to get close enough to the rift to seriously inspect it.

“The villagers have been isolated for days because of that thing.” Cullen reported coming back to stand beside her. “The guard says no ones been allowed in or out of Redcliffe since it spawned. The first couple people who tried to get past it...ran into the demons,” he finished somberly. Shai scuffed the toe of her boot in the dirt, her mind mulling over the rift’s curiosity.

“You saw what it did too right? That whole altering the speed of time thing?”

Cullen nodded his eyes flicking to the spot in the sky where the rift had been. “I noticed yes, but by the Maker I don’t know how or why.”

“That makes two of us plus a whole village. I guess we should go look for some answers but stay on your guard. Something isn’t right here.”

He mumbled a response under his breath and Shai chose to ignore it as it sounded suspiciously close to “don’t have to tell me twice.” She waited while Cullen went to find their horses, returning a few minutes later with Phaeron and Vigilance’s reins in hand. Side by side they made their way through the gate only to be stopped almost immediately by an Inquisition scout.

“Commander...Herald. We spread word the Inquisition was coming but you should know that no one was expecting us.”

Cullen and Shai looked at each other in perplexity.

“No one...not even Grand Enchanter Fiona?” Shai asked incredulously. The scout looked nervous.

“If she was, she hasn’t told anyone.”

“This doesn’t make any sense. I watched Josephine draft a letter to the Grand Enchanter and send it off myself,” Cullen mused his brows pulling together.

“Maybe it got lost?” Shai put in though she sincerely doubted that was the case. Cullen vehemently shook his head, opening his mouth to negate her guess but the approach of a slim elf abruptly garnered their attention.

“Agents of the Inquisition. My apologies! Magister Alexius is in charge now, but hasn’t yet arrived. He is expected shortly. You can speak with the former Grand Enchanter in the meantime,” the elf offered, indicating they were to follow him back the way he’d just come. Shai waited while Cullen gave a few parting instructions to the scout, who saluted before taking his leave.

Together they fell into step behind the elf as he led them down the road to Redcliffe. At the village’s entrance they relinquished their horses to a stable boy before passing by the wooden posts that formed Redcliffe’s inner wall. In front of them, huts were erected on both sides of the village road. While the right half was elevated, the left steadily dropped away to the merchants situated on the waterfront and the many rows of boats that bobbed at the docks.

Villagers milled about, completely oblivious to Shai’s presence and she found herself relaxing bit by bit without worry of her title unceremoniously being called out. Cullen, on the other hand, was repeatedly given a wide berth and wary looks by a good deal of people and Shai elbowed him.

“What?”

“Stop scowling, you’re frightening them.”

“They’re not looking at me that way because of my scowl Herald, I can assure you.”

Shai’s next words died on her tongue as she remembered where they were and exactly by whom they were surrounded; Redcliffe had become a refuge for the Mages and of course they would be sensing the Templar smell that still radiated from Cullen.

“Right...my bad,” Shai said awkwardly. He gave a “humph” in acceptance--or maybe dismissal--of her apology and they didn’t speak after that. Shai’s head was whirring with the information she was trying to process. Josephine had sent a letter--by Cullen’s own admission--to Redcliffe notifying the Grand Enchanter of their upcoming visit. But according to the Inquisition scout, Fiona had no idea they were coming.

Then the elf showed up talking about the Mages being under the control of whoever this Alexius person was and offering to let them speak to the  _former_  Grand Enchanter, not current--Shai had caught that immediately. And the elf was leading them to what should have been a negotiation but was now surely going to be an introduction.

And on top of all that, some time controlling rift had been sitting right outside the village just waiting for them. None of it was adding up, for far too many pieces of the puzzle were still missing, and Shai was on high alert for anything that smelled remotely of a trap. The elf stopped outside the door to a tavern and gestured for them to go ahead.

“Fiona is just inside.” Bowing he took his leave and Shai waited until he was out of earshot before turning to Cullen.

“A trap?”

“Hard to say. Just be ready in case something happens.”

“I was born ready. Templars first?” Shai held out her hand in an “after you” gesture and grinned though her face felt tight with the motion. Cullen gave her a blank stare before mumbling what sounded like a quick prayer-–did the man ever stop talking to the Maker--and pushed into the tavern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to add some inner thoughts here to get the ball rolling for their feelings changing about each other


	6. Of Venatori and Heralds Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little lengthier but Dorian is finally here! *happy dance*  
> Bit heavy on game dialogue too just FYI

Cullen didn’t like where this was headed, not one bit. He and Shai had discovered this Magister Alexius was none other than a Tevinter and to make things worse, Grand Enchanter Fiona had apparently taken leave of her senses and indentured herself and her followers all the while denying that she remembered meeting the Herald at Val Royeaux.

Shai had been at a loss for words, as had he since he vividly remembered reading her and the Seeker’s report of their journey to the Orlesian city. And now it appeared that no one had any recollection of the encounter but the Herald, which was why they were en route to Redcliffe's Chantry following a note slipped to them by Alexius's son Felix. 

“This could be the trap,” Cullen kept his voice low but his eyes swept from side to side, looking for anyone poised to strike as soon as they reached the top of the hill where the Chantry stood.

“Maybe so but its also our only lead as to what is going on. I don't exactly see Alexius giving us any more information. He seemed a little too eager to get away.”

Cullen had to agree with that. Still, he didn’t know whether they could trust Felix and his note but the Herald was following it either way and he couldn’t in good conscience let her go alone. Someone would need to be there to watch her back if things went wrong and although he didn’t want to admit it he would prefer it to be him.

Not just so she didn’t get a knife in her back from misplaced trust but because, despite their inability to get along – _you got along well enough the other night_ , his mind reminded him—they had fought well together when closing the rift earlier. As much as he didn’t like spells whizzing past him and around his face, Shai did have impeccable aim and she _had_ saved his hide back there.

“Coming in?” Shai asked with one hand on the Chantry door. Cullen stared up at the building in front of him; it was maybe a little higher than that of theirs at Haven but resembled it otherwise, minus the Inquisition heraldry missing from the front doors. He unsheathed his sword slowly his eyes taking in the stonework from top to bottom, coming to rest on Shai who was regarding him as if he were inherently simple.

“Let’s go,” he said with some reluctance; he really wasn’t in the mood to face down a bunch of Alexius’s lackeys if that’s what awaited them. Shai pushed open the Chantry and disappeared inside with Cullen close behind. Immediately he sensed the magic coursing through the air and without thinking he stepped in front of Shai, shield raised ready to direct a spell. But none came and instead he took in the gyrating rift situated above the altar at the back of the Chantry. A Mage and demon were engaged in battle a few feet from it but right as Cullen stepped forward to help, the demon was bashed to the floor with a crackle of lightning where it lay still.

“Good! You’re finally here! Now help me close this, would you?” The Mage twirled his staff from his left hand to his right, his tone light and cheery as if he were engaged in a garden party instead of standing next to a puddle of rapidly spreading demon blood. Cullen was about to ask who exactly he was when the rift behind him mutated and flared to allow more demons passage into the Chantry from the Fade.

Together the three of them worked furtively to dispatch the hordes barreling towards them and he noted with more than a little dismay that this rift was identical in its ability to bend time as the one they had closed outside of Redcliffe. Shai bolted past him and flung her left hand up, the mark sparking to life as it closed the connection between the worlds.

The Chantry dimmed as the rift disappeared, the remaining light coming from the windows behind the altar and the braziers along the walls. The Mage surveyed his surroundings, taking in the crumpled bodies of demons that were beginning to dissolve before turning to face Cullen and Shai.

“Fascinating,” he mused. “How does that work exactly?”

Shai didn’t have time to answer before he gave a musical chuckle.

“You don’t even know, do you? You just wiggle your fingers and boom! Rift closes.” The Mage sounded amazed and almost reverent of the mark’s ability as he studied Shai’s left hand. Cullen watched her unconsciously try and hide it behind her thigh, widening her stance infinitesimally to block it from eyesight.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“Ah getting ahead of myself again, I see. Dorian of House Pavus, most recently of Minrathous. How do you do?”

“Another Tevinter then,” Cullen couldn’t keep the distrust from his voice.

“I suppose you’d like an apology for my birthplace but sadly I cannot give you one. Not all Tevinters are like Alexius I assure you.” He reached up and smoothed the end of his curled mustache sounding amused instead of put off. Cullen rather thought it looked like a rattail hanging off his upper lip, a well groomed and oiled one but a rattail all the same. He slid a glance to see how Shai was reacting to this new acquaintance; it didn't escape his notice that Dorian was handsome, if a bit on the pretty side.

Try as he might he was having difficulty removing the memories of their coupling, in part due to how well both of them were acting like nothing happened. He had tossed and turned in his tent until the first signs of daybreak showed through the burlap, replaying every moment they'd spent glued together. He'd given himself a rigid cock stand and had had to--embarrassedly--take care of himself before he could leave his tent. 

He’d come to the conclusion that he could talk to Shai--which would no doubt be extremely uncomfortable--or adopt a laissez-faire approach and wait until they were forced to address what happened whilst pretending like nothing was wrong in the meantime. And that was exactly what he’d been doing, minus the small here and there glances he kept stealing at the Herald when she wasn’t looking.

Maker curse him but he wanted to know her thoughts on last night. It was entirely improper of him but he couldn't help mulling over whether it had felt good to her. _Oh pull yourself together, man_. They were still enemies...well not enemies but people who didn't like each other. Just because they'd had sex didn't magically make them friends. But something had changed by it; he could feel it in the way the air was between them. A bit of the tensity that normally colored their interactions was gone. To tell the truth, it was relieving to be a little more amicable. 

“We...were expecting Felix to be here,” Shai said, her hand tightening around her staff. Cullen gave himself a mental shake and returned to the present. Dorian’s grey eyes took in the subtle change and he quirked an eyebrow.

“I assure you I mean you no harm. Felix will be along, I’m sure he’s on his way. He was to give you the note then meet us here after ditching his father.”

“So what’s your place in all this?” Cullen asked, still unclear on what was going on. If Dorian was stalling to allow an ambush, Cullen was dead set on interrupting his plans. He’d had more than enough fighting for the day but wouldn’t stay his sword if it meant his and the Herald’s lives were on the line. He debated whether he could maneuver himself to be between Dorian and Shai without being too obvious but vetoed the idea knowing he was about as subtle as a druffalo. _Better to be ready and wait and see. No use in tipping the Mage off_.

“And Felix? Where does he fit in?” Shai questioned.

“Suspicious aren’t we?” Dorian laughed. “But that’s good then. If you weren’t questioning the _scary_ Mage from Tevinter I’d be a little concerned about _your_ trustworthiness. While Felix _is_ Alexius’s son, he wants to help pull his father out of whatever dank pit he's entrenched himself in. And I...well I once called the Magister my mentor. He taught me all I know today so my assistance should be valuable, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

“Your assistance in what? And how exactly are you or Felix going to help?” Shai asked but the sound of a door opening made them all turn in unison. The latter person in question strode into the Chantry, his face still gaunt and pale. But there was no hesitation in his walk as there had been at the tavern before he strategically fell into Shai’s arms.

“Took you long enough. Is he getting suspicious?” Dorian greeted. Felix shook his head as he came to join their gathering.

“No but I shouldn’t have played the illness card. I thought he’d be fussing over me all day.” Felix turned to Shai and Cullen, gave a small bow, and with a sheepish smile said, “I suppose you would like some answers Herald.”

“I’m quite enjoying being kept in the dark actually,” Shai deadpanned and Dorian snorted at her sarcasm. Felix chuckled softly before his face sobered.

“My father’s joined a cult; Tevinter supremacists. They call themselves ‘Venatori.’ ”

Cullen stifled a groan; _why, Maker, why did it have to keep getting worse_? _Why couldn’t the Breach be our only problem_? The skin between Shai’s brows furrowed in consternation and she brought a hand idly to her mouth where she nibbled ruminatively at her thumbnail.

“Well...that changes things.”

“What do they want?” Cullen asked a little more forcefully than he meant to. Felix shrugged as if the answer should have been obvious.

“Her.”

“Me?” Shai blurted in bafflement.

“Yes. And I can tell you one thing; whatever my father’s done for them, he’s done it to get to you.”

“That still doesn’t explain everything that’s been going on,” Cullen thought and then realized he’d spoken aloud. Dorian nodded and folded his arms.

“You’ve skipped over too much Felix. Look you must know there’s danger. That should be obvious even without the note. Let’s start with Alexius’s claiming the allegiance of the Mage rebels out from under you as if by magic, yes? Which is exactly right. To reach Redcliffe before the Inquisition, Alexius distorted time itself.”

Cullen felt a fist of dread settle and grow in his stomach. _The Mages, it always comes back to the Maker damned Mages_. He bit his tongue to keep that particular thought from coming out considering the mixed company in which he found himself. Shai was looking rather calm beside him as she processed Dorian’s words, but then again, mayhap she'd heard of this type of magic before, as powerful and dangerous as it sounded. 

“That’s ridiculous,” she said. _Or maybe not,_ Cullen surmised. Dorian held a hand up asking for patience.

“Give it a thought. You claim to have met the Grand Enchanter in Val Royeaux, yes? At which point she invited you back here to meet with the rest of the Mages, yet when you arrive you find she has no recollection of this. Secondary to that, you find she has indentured herself and her followers to some Magister from the North whom you’ve never heard of before and who seems wildly suspicious, if I do say so myself. Considering all the ‘ridiculous’ things that have happened thus far, is this really that much harder to believe? The rift you closed here, you saw how it twisted time around itself, sped some things up and slowed others down?”

Shai made a small noise and Dorian continued with a dire sounding tone to his voice. “Soon there will be more like it, and they’ll appear further and further away from Redcliffe. The magic Alexius is using is wildly unstable and it’s unraveling the world.”

There was silence when he finished his diagnosis and Cullen swallowed audibly. This was not good it was so very far from good it wasn’t even funny. _Time control? What in the Void...HOW in the Void truly was that possible?_ The Order had educated immensely on the danger of Mages left unchecked but he could never have imagined this type of ability in all the years he’d spent as a Templar.

It was, as Shai had said, ridiculous. Yet Dorian and Felix both wore identical expressions of ominous foreboding, the look of people who'd just had to deliver bad news. Except this wasn’t just bad news this was the literal end of the world they were talking about, all orchestrated by the man they had met back in the tavern not an hour earlier. Cullen’s mind was spinning like one of the toy tops he used to play with as a child; around and around and around and around until everything was a blur. They needed to return to Haven immediately; Therinfal would have to wait for another time. This was too big of a discovery to send simply by raven.

“How do you know all this?” Shai finally asked, breaking the silence.

“I helped develop this magic,” Dorian admitted, though he sounded more angry than regretful at his hand in what was happening. “When I was still Alexius’s apprentice, it was pure theory. He could never get it to work.”

“And now its an actuality,” Cullen concluded quietly. He found his skin under his armor had broken out in goose bumps and he felt jittery with nerves. It was so much to take in in such little time. Felix looked morose at the verbal affirmation of his father’s abilities.

“It would appear that way, yes. Herald, you should know, this Venatori cult he’s joined, they’re obsessed with you.”

“That’s not comforting in the least. Do you know why?”

“Perhaps because you survived the Temple of Sacred Ashes?” Felix offered though he didn’t sound convinced of his own opinion.

“You can close rifts. Maybe there’s a connection? Or they see you as a threat?” Dorian put in speculatively.

“If the Venatori are behind those rifts or the Breach in the sky, they’re even worse than I thought,” Felix said.

“If they’re indeed responsible for those things and the death of the Divine, I assure you they will be brought to answer for it,” Cullen grated. Dorian looked at him indiscernibly and Felix shook his head.

“If they are it won’t be that simple to just hunt them down.”

“Alexius is your father. Why are you working against him?” Shai asked and Cullen was wondering the same thing. The son turning on his father? It sounded a little suspicious. 

“For the same reason Dorian works against him. I love my father and I love my country. But this? Cults? Time magic? What he’s doing now is madness. For his own sake you have to stop him.”

“We have to go back to Haven and warn the others.” Cullen looked at Shai until he caught her eye and she inclined her head in silent agreement. Redcliffe was a level of danger they’d never anticipated and, from what Felix was saying, it sounded like Alexius would be more than happy to present the Herald of Andraste’s head on a platter. The sooner they got out the better.

“And leave without sitting down for a negotiation? If you’d like to arouse Alexius’s suspicions then by all means go on ahead, but I would suggest staying to talk to him as if the matter of the Mages' allegiance was only a minor setback. The man is as paranoid as they come and I wouldn’t put it past him to somehow find a way to detain you should you try and depart,” Dorian warned, one long finger tapping against his chin.

Put that way Cullen grudgingly had to agree it would spark interest if he and the Herald abruptly left without at least trying to obtain what they had come for in the first place. But he couldn’t stop the feeling they were in more danger playing the part of Alexius’s guests than if they tried sneaking out of Redcliffe.

“This stopping Alexius objective, do you have any suggestions?” Shai waited while Felix and Dorian exchanged glances before the Tevinter turned to answer her.

“You know you’re his target. Expecting the trap is the first step in turning it to your advantage. I doubt you'll face any real trouble as long as you don’t let on that this little meeting happened. More likely than not you’ll be able to waltz out of here with not a scratch on you in a few days time.”

“He’s right, my father will not blatantly attack. He’s still working under the guise of not posing a threat and he’ll maintain that appearance for as long as you allow him. I’m afraid in the meantime you will have to play the bait while you’re here, that cannot be avoided.”

Shai huffed and Cullen grunted. Visiting a place replete with Mages had been one thing but a place more or less under the control of a cultist Tevinter Magister was quite another. Every nerve in his body felt like it had been doused in ice water and he swallowed at frequent intervals. Shai ran a shaky hand through her hair, dislodging a few strands that swung down to frame her face.

“Alright, we’ll stay. But if you’ve helped us this far I need to know that we can count on you should something happen.”

“I can’t stay in Redcliffe. Alexius doesn’t know I’m here and I want to keep it that way for now,” Dorian said apologetically.

“I understand. Felix?”

“I will help if and when the situation arises,” Felix confirmed and Cullen thought he saw Shai breathe a small sigh of relief. He himself felt a little more at ease--not a lot, just a little--knowing they had an ally on the inside.

“But whenever you’re ready to deal with Alexius, I want to be there. I’ll be in touch,” Dorian promised, giving a quick bow and starting to take his leave. “Oh and Felix, try not to get yourself killed.”

They all heard a door open and shut and then Dorian was gone.

“There are worse things than dying Dorian,” Felix said quietly and Cullen felt a shiver of apprehension go through him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wanted Dorian and Shai not to get along at first but I caved and couldn't bring myself to make them snipe at each other. Cue platform for cliched Inquisition besties.


	7. So it Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry its been so long since a post but school has been an SOB. Anyways, shortish chapter but there will be more to come! Just something to tide over and keep the interest going.

“And this is your room, Herald." Alexius used an arm to sweep open a door and Shai moved past him into her designated chambers. After the meeting in the Chantry, she and Cullen sent a message to the Magister that they would like a second chance to negotiate the help of the Mages. The same elf who had originally shown them to the tavern was the one to bring Alexius's quick reply and invitation to stay on at Redcliffe.

So now here they were being given prime lodging in the castle. Shai surveyed the furnishings of her room, taking in the grand four-poster bed decorated in shades of crimson and cream that occupied the majority of the space. A long chest of drawers sat at the foot of it and an extensive bookcase took up one corner with a high backed armchair stationed next to it. She cocked an eyebrow at the Tevinter heraldry that hung on the stone walls but said nothing. 

"I take it the room is to your liking?"Alexius drawled from behind her. 

"Yes, thank you, it's perfect."

"Mmm good. I have servants ready to answer your every beck and call, you need only ring for them." 

"Thank you Magister Gereon. You are too kind." Shai was more than aware those servants could also be doubling as spies. 

"You are the Herald of Andraste and my esteemed guest. I would present to you nothing more than the best Redcliffe has to offer. Will you join my son and I when we dine tonight? We would so love to have your company." 

"I would be honored." She tried to keep her tone light and amicable, cutting her annoyance at Alexius's continued presence out of it. 

"Excellent." He drew the "C" out in a hiss that reminded her of a snake and she shivered. "I'm sure you are tired from your journey I should let you rest. I'll send a servant to fetch you to the banquet hall later." 

Shai said nothing and patiently clasped her hands waiting for Alexius to leave. The man made her skin prickle and something about him reminded her of a slug. He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes and his waxen skin gave him the appearance of an animated corpse. Alexius bowed slightly and started to close her door. 

"Oh and Herald,"--he stopped and she resisted the urge to scream--"welcome to Redcliffe...again." And then he was gone. She waited with baited breath until his footsteps receded completely down the hallway before letting it out in a whoosh. The Magister was decidedly a hoverer and she understood how it had taken Felix so long to slip away from him earlier. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and chewed it gently as she decided what to do to occupy the time until Alexius deigned to send for her.

Her saddlebags sat on the edge of her bed but there was little in them to unpack. Shai wandered over to the only window in the room and leaned against the ledge. The sun was beginning to set and the courtyard below her window was emptying of people, leaving only stragglers behind. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, holding it a few seconds before exhaling slowly.

To say the day had been stressful was an understatement and she had no clear idea of how to proceed next; their capable Ambassador was unfortunately nowhere in sight to advise how to deal with a Tevinter Magister now in charge of the Mages they needed. Indeed even Josephine would probably find her hands tied if she were here. The door suddenly banged open behind her and Shai whirled just to find Cullen. 

"Fereldens not fond of knocking?" She snapped as her heart rate slowed to normal. He looked almost apologetic for a moment but stepped into the room nevertheless and closed the door after him.  

"Pardon my intrusion but I believe we have some matters to discuss." 

"Like how we're going to convince Alexius to hand over the Mages, no questions asked?" 

Cullen grunted in confirmation. "That among other things. I think he has us being watched."

"You don't say," Shai drawled and noted his faint blush that followed. He crossed the floor to stand beside her, looking out the window as she had been seconds earlier. 

"I wonder if Felix could sneak a letter to Haven for us." 

"Too risky," Shai vetoed. "Even if we could hand it off to him somehow, do you really think he'd get it past his father? Or be able to hand it to someone who wouldn't return it to the Magister?"  

Cullen sighed and rested his hands on the window ledge. "No." 

"So we're trapped," Shai summarized leaning against the stone wall next to him. He let his head drop and his next words were directed at the floor.

"It would appear so. At least until Alexius tires of us as guests."

They stood quietly for a few minutes, both pondering what could be their next move. Twice each suggested a plan that was immediately shot down by the other for having too many holes and the frustration was growing. 

"This is impossible," Shai groaned bringing her fingers to her temples and rubbing in slow circles. 

"It seems we have little choice but to play the part of the bait, as Felix put it earlier, until we can safely depart Redcliffe." 

"And how long will that be?" 

Cullen was silent and his lack of words was answer enough: he had no idea. Shai tugged distractedly at a strand of hair hanging in her face. Everywhere they turned they found themselves at a dead end. There was no foolproof way to get a message home and no graceful, subtle way to cut their visit short so they could return with the news themselves. Something truly abhorrent could befall them and it would be some time before the Inquisition even got wind of it. 

"We could cut our losses and make a run for it?" She joked half heartedly. Cullen looked at her like she'd gone soft in the head. 

"I was only kidding," she mumbled grumpily. _Was he entirely made of stone?_ Shai pushed off the wall and moved distractedly about the room, ghosting over the various pieces of furniture. She came to a stop by the bed and lost herself in studying the intricate detailing of one of the posters; it was carved from a deep mahogany and etched into it were tiny renderings of dragons cavorting about, some breathing fire some taking flight.

She ran her fingertips over the the wood feeling the grooves of the carvings. Her bed at her family estate in Ostwick had been similar and for a moment, it was easy to zone out and believe she was back there. Cordelia Trevelyan would come sweeping through the door any second now, a troupe of handmaidens following in her wake as she came to attend to her "wayward" daughter.

And then Shai would find herself plunked into a chair as her mother primped and prodded her to her satisfaction, all the while repeating the mantra that it was all for Shai's own good and some day she would thank her. Shai had yet to feel the desire to write a letter of appreciation to Cordelia and doubted she ever would. 

"...to dinner?" 

"What?" She dazedly realized Cullen had been saying something. 

"Alexius invited you to dinner?" 

"Yes. He said he and Felix would appreciate the company." 

Cullen nodded ruminatively. "We should plan to address the use of the Mages then." 

"I also need a chance to speak to Fiona. I want to ask her the full story. We didn't get much out of her earlier." 

"I'll try and find a moment to talk to Felix. I'm sure we can manage to keep his father's attention long enough for you to slip away." 

"Thanks," Shai came around the side of the bed and perched on the covers, flopping backwards to lay across the expanse of it. She stared at the ceiling blankly letting her eyes un-focus. A very fuzzy Cullen came into her peripheral vision and she blinked. 

"I'll uh leave you to get ready then." 

Shai gave a half assed salute.  "See you soon Commander."

++++ 

Cullen smiled obligingly at the conversation and reached for his wine goblet. They sat together at a grand table just the four of them: Alexius, Felix, himself, and Shai. Servants bustled about refilling glasses and clearing plates before disappearing back to the kitchens. A roaring fire burned behind the Magister where he sat at the head with Felix on his right and Shai in the seat of honor on his left.

Cullen sat directly across from her and they studiously avoided making eye contact for extended periods of time, instead pretending to be engrossed in whatever topic was being discussed. The dinner was going well enough even underlined with a thin veil of tension. They hadn't yet been able to bring up the topic of their need for the Mages but he suspected it would happen in due time. Fiona was conspicuously absent which had brought a frown to Shai's face at first notice, but she'd covered it quickly enough.

“You are a long way from home are you not Herald?” Alexius asked, studying Shai over the rim of his goblet.

“I could ask the same of you. Tevinter is certainly not a close neighbor,” she retorted and Cullen hid a smile; despite what he might think of her individual person she was witty.

“True...it is not a stone’s throw away but I was referring more to your personal history. From my understanding, you belonged to a Circle for some time before your eventual move to Ferelden.”

The corners of Shai’s mouth twitched as she worked to keep her amicable expression in place and Cullen tensed. “Your understanding would be correct but the word ‘belonged’ suggests I chose it,” she answered shortly, taking a sip of wine. Alexius grinned at her.

“I’ve been led to believe Circles in the South are not like the ones from back home. Rather you play prisoner to the Order. Is that right Commander?”

The Magister turned to Cullen and he felt his eyes narrow. “The Mages were never my prisoner. They were our wards. We were there as much for their protection as for everyone else’s.”

“But you strove to contain their potential, hmm? Keep them locked away from the outside world?”

“Out of a concern for safety,” Cullen tried to explain patiently but found his teeth were gritted of their own accord; the man possessed the kind of personality that instantly put a person on edge. Alexius gave him a knowing smirk and a small shrug.

“Forgive me, I will of course default to your knowledge on the matter. More wine my friends?” He signaled to a nearby elven girl and she came forward with a decanter, her head bowed meekly as she refilled everyone’s goblets before retreating to her position in the background. Shai raised an eyebrow at the interaction but said nothing and Cullen shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the display of subservience.

Another thing he hated about nobility was their seemingly endless need to be waited on. Growing up a commoner’s son he and his family did for themselves, no ceremony to stand on like what was found in the houses of the wealthy and he preferred it that way; to physically own another human being was not a concept he could understand, nor would he ever.

“What exactly brought you to Ferelden, Alexius? Surely it wasn’t the weather,” Shai questioned with a small head tilt. She held her goblet loosely in her right hand and was unconsciously swirling the contents around inside it.

“Opportunity my dear girl and a change of scenery. I’m sure it hasn’t failed to slip your notice that Felix is not well. I believed the new location would do him a world of good.” The Magister laid a hand on his son’s arm paternally and Felix smiled fractionally.

 _He certainly has an answer for everything_ , Cullen thought bitterly. He raised his goblet and took a few more swallows. Across the table he watched Shai mirror him before returning her cup to the table. She brought it down a little harder than necessary and the silver made a clanking sound against the wood.

Cullen’s brows drew together as he observed the flush creeping into her cheeks. _Is she...is she drunk_? It seemed highly unlikely to him, they’d had the same amount to drink after all and he was only feeling a slight buzz, if that. But then again, who was he to know her tolerance?

“Do I remember you telling me you play chess Commander?” Felix asked and Cullen failed to mask his surprise; to the best of his knowledge he didn’t remember imparting Felix with that bit of information. But it was possible he'd let it slip at one point; he'd completed some of the earlier conversation on auto-pilot, letting his mouth create idle talk while his brain was preoccupied with more pressing issues.  

“Erm no, I mean yes. My apologies, its been a long day I’m afraid I’m a little behind tonight,” he excused himself. Felix nodded and grinned good-naturedly.

“I’ve been trying to improve my skill at it as of late but find I can get no better than I was before. Perhaps before you and the Herald return you wouldn’t mind gracing me with a game?”

“Of course, I would be more than happy to,” Cullen agreed and mumbled a "thank you" to the serving girl who came to remove their plates from in front of them.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what is your family like?” The Magister once again addressed Shai and leaned forward infinitesimally. She looked as if she didn’t understand the question but blinked forcefully and her face cleared.

“I’m an only child...” she stopped, sounding confused and Cullen watched her shrewdly. “My parents didn't exactly...approve of my being a Mage,” she added and halted. “My family kept my abilities under wraps until they...until they couldn't anymore.”

Alexius hummed disapprovingly. "So sad how southerners handle magic. Why, Mages are just people too. True some of us may be dangerous when we don't understand how to wield our gift, but is not an untrained hand on a sword just as bad? I always wondered at the need to lock Mages away and keep them from the world. There are many things that could benefit with our help."  

Shai nodded blearily and took another gulp of wine. Cullen tried to implore her to slow down with his eyes but she wouldn't--or couldn't--meet his gaze. That sixth sense that had saved his life on more than one occasion was needling him that something wasn't right, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. 

“You're quite the host Alexius,” Shai slurred and Cullen stiffened. _Stop talking_ , he silently begged. _Please_. Alexius leaned his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers, his eyes locking with the Herald's. 

"I'm quite sure I don't know what you mean." 

"Sure you do," Shai said, right on the heels of his comment. "You...think you can wine and...and...and..." she stopped. Cullen went cold and his pulse echoed in his ears as he watched her visibly struggle to make sense of her own thoughts. She was starting to sweat profusely and his eyes tracked a bead as it left her forehead and traveled down her cheek. Beside him he heard Felix’s sharp intake of breath. The Magister affected a look of concern and reached to cover Shai’s hand with his own.

“Are you feeling alright Herald? Perhaps you’ve had a little too much. Shall I have someone escort you to your quarters?”

She shook her head and brought her left hand to her temple, the mark pulsing intermittently. Her eyes were unfocused and she looked as if she were about to be sick.  

“Think...I...need...is it hot in here to anyone else? I um feel a little too...” Shai pushed unsteadily to her feet and immediately Cullen was on his. With a small cry she dropped, her body eliciting a thump as it connected with the floor.

“Herald!” A wave of fear washed over him and he rushed to move around the table towards her but Alexius beat him to her prone form, kneeling as he wrapped a thumb and forefinger around her wrist.

“Still has a pulse Commander. You needn’t worry too much, she’ll live.” The Magister stood and clasped his hands behind his back, his lips pulling into a cold smile. Before Cullen could react two pairs of unseen hands locked themselves onto his arms and pinned him; he struggled against the guards but their grips remained firm.

“What is the meaning of this?!” He demanded watching Alexius stand over Shai.

“I thought it should be fairly obvious. Your Herald and I have some business we must attend to but we cannot do so with your interference. I’m so sorry to have ended our meal like this but it is getting rather late and you do need to be shown to your new quarters. I hope they’ll be to your liking.”

Cullen was dragged backwards and he looked to Felix for an explanation but the boy appeared as shocked by the turn in events as he was.

“You’ll regret this Alexius!" he spat, his shoulders twitching as he fought to break free. But the Magister only raised a hand in farewell, his dark eyes flashing with satisfaction.


	8. Old Friends and New Allies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone leaving comments and kudos :) I really appreciate the feedback and I'm so glad you're all enjoying this! I can't wait to continue the story. Also this chapter is pretty long since the last one was super short. I wanted to get something good done for ya'll. As always if I've got something wrong in the Dragon Age history plz drop me a comment and let me know so I can get it fixed.

Shai leaned her head back against the cell wall. At least she guessed it was a cell. It was too dark to be certain but the manacle shackled to her wrist and the cold dampness of the air reminded her of her initial time spent at Haven. So it had to be a cell, most definitely a cell in Redcliffe's dungeons. Her mouth was dry and tasted bitter and she occasionally leaned to the side to spit.

Whatever that rat bastard crazy Vint had slipped into her drink had been potent. She'd felt fine for the majority of dinner then all of a sudden things started getting fuzzy and thoughts couldn't be completed and then nothing before she'd woken up alone on a stone floor. She wondered where Cullen was, had called for him initially thinking he might be somewhere in the dungeons with her but had gotten no response.

She fervently hoped Alexius hadn't done anything with him but there was no way of knowing. Ironic how only days ago she wouldn't have cared if she'd never see the Commander again but now she was invested in the state of his wellbeing. Wait, invested was the wrong word. More like interested. Yes interested, that was a safe way to view it.

Shai sighed and thought about Haven for the umpteenth time since coming to. How nice it would be to see some familiar faces right about now; even Vivienne and Solas's visages would be a welcome sight. Instead she was chained and cold and probably poisoned -- _damn that Vint again--_ left to rot for who besides Alexius knew how long.

The complete dark was the worst part. It was so...disorienting it played tricks on her mind, making time seem to crawl. She suspected she could be stuck down here for weeks and only think a matter of days had passed. There wasn't even the smallest crack in the ceiling to let in any sort of light. It was just she and her thoughts and the usual dungeon rats.

Something after all was making a skittering noise as it ran. Shai coughed and nearly jumped out of her skin when a gravelly yet smooth voice said, "It’s always your lungs that go first, mate. The cold gets to them the fastest."

She clapped her free hand to her chest where her heart was knocking loudly against her rib cage. 

"H-h-hello?" She called tentatively. 

"Yeah I'm here." Came the response after a few seconds. There was something...familiar she would say about the voice but it wasn't bringing anyone particular to mind. 

"Why didn't you say anything earlier?" Shai found her question tainted with a note of irritation at being startled so fully. Chains rattled on stone as whoever was in the dungeon with her shrugged. 

"Asleep probably. That's usually all there is to do anyways." 

She found she had no response for that statement, instead feeling only a cold pit of dread settle in her stomach. 

"How long have you been...?"

"Here? Wish I could say. I got myself imprisoned right after the Magister took over. Told Fiona it was a bloody disaster of an idea to indenture us to him, tried to convince her to reconsider, and all I got for my troubles was an armed escort to a cell. But I’m not complaining overmuch, could’ve been a lot worse." 

"You're an apostate then?" Shai asked. The person gave a short bark of laughter, which dissolved into a coughing episode. They made a hacking noise and gave a very forceful spit. 

" _Was_ an Apostate, those days are here and gone. Now I'm just a prisoner in this blasted place. Which, since you're down here as well, I'm assuming you stepped on Alexius's toes too?" 

"You could say that," she murmured. It wasn't as if she'd purposely chosen to become the Herald, just an un-happy accident that landed her straight in the sights of one off-kilter Tevinter. 

"What'd you do, love? See through his charming, Northerner charade?" The person chuckled and Shai joined him. 

"Charming isn't exactly how I would describe our friend. I'd say slimy," she countered. 

"How about greasy?"

"Parasitic?"

"Toadyish?" 

"Sycophantic?"

"Syco what?" The person sounded dubious. 

"Sycophantic. It's a word trust me." 

"I dunno mate, the last time someone told me to trust them I ended up here." 

It was a flat jest but Shai laughed obligingly. It was either that or dwell on the full extent of her current situation. When her laughter subsided it was quiet in the dungeon minus the occasional dripping of water coming from an unidentified source. 

"I'm Rhys by the way in case you were interested," the person finally spoke again and Shai’s heartbeat spiked as the blood drained from her face and her breath left in a low whistle. Rhys? Not her Rhys, it was impossible, it couldn't be. She made a choked noise. 

"You alright there, love? Not going to keel over on me are you?" Rhys asked sounding concerned. Her head was spinning and she grabbed at the ground with her unshackled hand as if to keep from falling off the face of the earth. It couldn't be Rhys, she'd watched the Templars carry his body from Ostwick's courtyard. He'd been defending a new arrival from a particularly brutish Knight-Captain who was set on giving the girl thirty lashes for accidentally lighting a patch of grass on fire.

One thing led to another and Rhys's pension for inserting himself into fights (along with his inability to know when to stay silent) left his strawberry blonde head disappearing beneath the combined manpower of four Templar reinforcements. They'd beaten him to a bloody pulp leaving Shai and the other Mages to watch helplessly as their friend was dragged off the ground, head lolling, face indistinguishable beneath lividly growing bruises.

He hadn't moved, hadn't moaned, hadn't made any sound that indicated there was any life left in him and he'd become the example of what happened when rules were broken. But here he was, all these years later... 

"Still with me?" He asked and his chains rattled as he shifted. 

"Y-yes I am," Shai whispered then cleared her throat and repeated herself. 

"Good ha-ha I was beginning to think you dozed off just as I was starting to enjoy having someone to talk to again." 

"Rhys," she breathed shakily, closing her eyes, not sure whether she wanted it to be him or not; it was like seeing a ghost from another lifetime it had been so long ago.

"Did you say something?" 

"It's...Rhys, its Shai..." Her words were met with a heavy and shocked silence. She held her breath, waiting for his response. 

++++ 

Cullen sat with his arms braced on his knees, a chain dangling between his wrists linking them together. He’d been thrown into one of the many cells that made up Redcliffe’s dungeon and was currently discovering just how devoid of light a place could be. He grunted and rubbed the back of his head, manacles rattling; Alexius’s guards had given him a lovely knot on his skull for his resistance, a parting gift to remember them by.

If he ever got out of here-- _no don’t think like that its when you get out of here--_ the Magister was going to have hell to pay. He hoped Shai was fine, or as fine as she could be given the circumstances. For all he knew she could still be passed out cold, occupying some heavily guarded, out of the way place in the castle.

Cullen scrubbed his face in frustration. He felt totally and completely helpless. Beyond not being able to see two feet in front of his own face he realized those back at Haven would have no idea what happened to him and the Herald until it might be too late; this whole situation had gone from bad to worse to unthinkable, especially with the uncertainty of what was to come.

He tried to suppress the slithering voice that wanted him to take a trip down memory lane and reminisce about the last time he was trapped in the dark with no idea of what to expect from minute to minute. Cullen launched to his feet abruptly and began to pace. Back and forth he went like a caged animal, an excellent analogy to how he felt, chained and locked behind bars at the mercy of the last person in Thedas the description of sane would ever apply to. _At least its quiet down here_ , the voice teased. _No one screaming and begging to be put out of their misery_.

“Stop,” Cullen barked in a hoarse voice. He clapped his hands to his ears and closed his eyes, mentally willing his mind blank. The darkness around him was all consuming and it pressed inward, suffocating and cloying in its completeness. _You can’t escape it_ , the voice laughed at his distress. _I will always be here, just waiting and watching for you to think you’re alone. And then I’ll remind you that you never are. Tell me Commander, or should I say Knight-Captain, why should you have lived when so many others didn’t?_

“Leave me!” Cullen yelled pressing his hands harder on the sides of his head, biceps cramping with the motion. His heart thumped loudly and his skin prickled with fear. “Leave me,” he whispered raggedly. “Be gone.”

Bit by bit he let his hands fall to his sides, his shoulders lined with tension as he waited for the voice to speak again. But it did not and his muscles sagged in relief. See, he assured himself, you can do without. Your willpower is still as strong. But somewhere inside he didn't believe that, didn't believe that forsaking the cool, blue liquid was such a good idea. He still yearned for his lyrium, thirsted for it but he couldn't have it, he wouldn't let himself have it. 

As soon as the Seeker had recruited him from Kirkwall, he'd sworn off the stuff; he'd seen enough damage to last himself a lifetime, he wanted to start over, start fresh. And he would not be letting something hold him on a leash; he would stand on his own two feet and he would endure what was to come. He'd already had a taste of it in the early days; the vivid flashbacks to the Mage rebellion, the dying and tortured screams of the other Templars in the tower with him coming clear to his ears even after all this time, the dark, gaping leers of the demons that tore through his very being, the vomiting until his stomach could yield up nothing more but clean, burning bile, the night sweats that drenched his body and left him shaking and weak, the hallucinations that plagued him. But he was still here today.

Or at least he was here for as long as he could last. Cullen closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath. _Heh, heh, heh is that all you’ve got? You’re pathetic..._ the voice returned, apparently un-silenced. He gave a low groan and staggered backwards until he connected with the wall. The chain between his wrists pulled taut over his hips as he braced his hands against the damp stone, fingers edging over the cracks in the masonry.

A cold sweat blossomed and washed over his skin. _Please, no more, no more_. But Redcliffe’s dungeon was receding from him and he was traveling through time, falling further and further as the hours, days, weeks, and months peeled away to deposit him back in a time and place only his blackest nightmares could conceive of.

He felt feverish, crippled, an intense wave of fear wiping over him and sending him sinking to his knees. His blood sang in his ears, begging for the cold reprieve of lyrium, crying out for it. His tongue moved restlessly over his teeth as it too sought the blue liquid that it had been deprived of for far too long. _No, no, no, no, no_.

A scream pealed into the air from his right, sending shivers racing down his spine. Another joined and another and another until a cacophony of the tortured surrounded him. Claws dug into his arm and started a jagged trajectory downward. He reeled away only to find a matching pair blocking his retreat. They raked him paying no mind to his strangled screams; his pain was their life force and they gorged themselves on it.

Then abruptly they were gone and Cullen fell forward, crying out as his wrist bent painfully beneath his weight. A rattle of keys brought his head up as his cell clanked open and the Herald appeared in the doorway bearing a torch. He gaped in shock as Shai came forward, dropping to her knee in front of him.

“Are you ok?” She asked her face partly illuminated by the flame. He tried to respond but his lips couldn’t form words such was his surprise. Instead he opened and closed his mouth as his eyes flicked back and forth over her face; she couldn’t be here, it wasn’t possible. His gut told him to move away because what was before his person was simply a mirage but Cullen stayed where he was, flinching when the Herald laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Cullen, are you ok? I need you to answer me there isn’t much time.”

A deep shiver ran through him and he nodded slowly. Shai exhaled in what sounded like relief.

“Good then lets get you on your feet.”

“H-h-how did you find me?” His brain felt sluggish and heavy, unable to work through the possibility that she escaped Alexius’s imprisonment.

“Long story we don’t have time for right now. Come on, up you go.” She hooked a hand beneath his armpit and pulled. Cullen staggered to his feet, instinctively cradling his throbbing wrist. He felt shaky and light headed, feinting to the left abruptly. Arms wrapped themselves around him and kept his body upright.

“I’m alright,” he breathed. “Just a little disconcerted.”

He waited for Shai to let go of him but she didn’t. Her grip tightened imperceptibly and he went rigid as he felt her press against his side, all soft curves that shouldn’t have made him want to pull away but they did.

“Herald? What are you—”

“Shhh. Trust me.” Her finger came to press against his lips and he recoiled, the gesture being so foreign and polar opposite of how she interacted with him.

“Let go,” he bit out, his gut clenching. She laughed, her husky tone smoothing over him.

“What’s wrong Commander? Afraid you won’t be able to control yourself?”

“Let. Me. Go!” Cullen tried to wrench away but she held firm and he dragged her body with his a step. “Get off me!”

“That’s no way to speak to a lady,” Shai purred near his ear before nuzzling his neck. “Was I not good enough for you? Not tight enough? Not...wet enough?” Her tongue slithered out to tease his skin and with a shout he broke free, whirling to face her. But now it wasn’t the Herald anymore, not that it had ever been; in her place stood a demon, caught midway between its true form and that of Shai’s. Her –its— eyes glowed a sickly purple, matching the growing color of its skin. The hands began to morph into claws before his eyes and Shai’s clothing shredded away to leave the demon standing naked.

“What’s wrong Commander? There’s nothing wrong with a bit of fun.” A sickeningly sweet voice edged its way through Shai’s normal one. Cullen felt his shoulders press into the bars of his cell, his feet having carried him backwards without his notice.

“Stay back!” He growled, realizing he was trapped as the demon advanced. It tilted its head to the side and its tongue swept over its lips. A tail flicked around the side of its body, curling against its thigh as horns grew from its temples twisting back upon themselves before ending in sharp points. His breath caught in a hiccupping noise as the desire demon completed it’s shedding of Shai’s skin and stood grinning.

“Come to me pet, let me...taste you,” it lisped, reaching out to him. Cullen gave an inarticulate yell and lunged forward, ready to fight his way past or die trying. The demon’s claws caught his wrists and closed in an iron like grip when he yanked against the restraint.

“Commander! Commander!” It shouted in his face and through a fog he realized the voice addressing him was no longer female. “Commander! It’s me, stop!”

Belatedly he came back to himself, a sweating mess of a man panting in ragged heaves, his eyes searching wildly back in forth in the darkness that was now partially broken by a single torch. His gaze followed a hand up an arm to the face of—

“Felix?” Cullen mumbled, his lips having momentary difficulty forming the two syllables.  

“Yes, but you must listen to me, there isn’t much time. My father doesn’t know I’m here. I’ve arranged a way out of Redcliffe for you to take and get help but we must go now.” With that, the Magister’s son unlocked his chains and pulled him forward, starting them walking down the corridor of the dungeon.

Cullen turned his head side to side taking in the vast amount of cells that provided new homes for Redcliffe’s more unsavory civilians. _I wonder if Shai is in one of these_. The thought made him come to an abrupt stop. Felix kept walking for another couple steps before he realized the Commander was no longer with him.

“Is something wrong?” He asked confusedly. Cullen shook his head.

“Shai, I mean the Herald, where is she?”

“My father has her in the dungeons on the other side of the castle.”

“I can’t leave without her,” Cullen stated, crossing his arms in conviction. Felix looked conflicted for a second then sighed.

“I promise, nothing bad will happen to her while you’re away.”

“Forgive me if I don’t exactly believe that in light of current events,” he drawled. Felix crowded him and looked at him imploringly, tilting his head back to accommodate the difference in their heights.

“I give you my word, the Herald will not suffer any harm under my watch. I heard my father talking to some of his Venatori. This master they serve, the Elder One they called him, he wants her alive.”

“By all accounts Alexius tried to poison her!”

“Keep your voice down. The last thing either of us needs is to be caught. Commander I have given you my word, that’s all I can do for now. If you truly want to ensure no harm comes to the Herald then you have to leave, now. There won’t be another chance like this, please.”

Cullen hesitated, his mind racing to weigh the pros and cons of leaving Shai behind temporarily. Reluctantly admitting to himself that her best chance was indeed for him to return with reinforcements, he started moving again beside Felix. The two men soon left the dungeons in their wake, winding stealthily through multiple hallways before moving into a dimly lit room, a harsh chill permeating the air from an open passageway at one end.

“This is the way out,” Felix pointed and ducked through the opening with Cullen close behind. Stone enclosed them on all sides before giving way to packed dirt and they moved partially bent over in the tightness of the tunnel. They continued on for what felt like miles to him, never turning always moving in a straight line. Eventually the tunnel widened and allowed them both to straighten fully from the hunched positions in which they'd been walking.

A thin beam of moonlight washed over the ground some yards ahead and Cullen felt the breeze of open air pass over him. He and Felix emerged with Redcliffe at their backs and a line of trees before their eyes. A soft whinny earned Cullen’s attention and he turned to see a sturdy grey horse tethered to a trunk.

“My father will not check on your state in the dungeons for some time but a missing horse, _your_ missing horse, would be brought to his attention immediately,” Felix offered by way of explanation. “This is Valyn. He’ll serve you well and take you where you need to go.”

Cullen nodded as he noted his sword and shield miraculously strapped to the horse’s saddle and turned to clasp the Mage’s arm.

“Thank you for this, I will return soon. Please, keep the Herald safe in my absence. She is our only hope.” He strode to Valyn, untying his new mount before swinging into the saddle and setting off, the moonlight showing him the way. _Andraste, if she is truly your chosen, keep her alive_.

++++

_Her hair hangs in her face and she chokes as she tries to breathe. Water races over her skin, running in to her nose, her eyes, her mouth. She is shivering with cold, her nightgown encasing her in a soaking embrace._

_“Again.”_

_She doesn’t get a chance to fill her lungs before she’s pushed back down, her body submerged. Her instincts scream for her to fight or this time they will surely drown her. But as before she is brought back to the surface with seconds to spare, and she draws in air in greedy gulps._

_“Cordelia—“_

_“No Ruston. This is for her own good...and ours.”_

_Stop. She tries to say the word but her lips are numb. Her arms are secured uncomfortably behind her, shoulders beginning to burn with the position. She is exhausted and she knows the night is far from over. A sob escapes her. If pleading would get her anywhere she would be on her knees. But it won’t and she knows this from experience, knows deep down nothing will save her. She is at their mercy._

_“Again.”_

_The water rushes up to meet her..._

“Fucking hell!”

Shai blinked and belatedly retracted her flailing arm, her fist smarting from where it had contacted something hard in her reaction to being abruptly awoken. Rhys called to her, asking what was wrong, but she ignored him. Kneeling on the ground before her was Cullen, silhouetted by the torch that had previously been in his hand but now lay flickering where he’d dropped it. A ridiculous surge of joy mixed with relief shot through her at the sight of him, though she tamped it down quickly.

“W-what...h-how...are you here?” She barely managed, her sleep addled brain pushing through the fog that surrounded the first few moments of wakefulness. He had one hand clapped over the lower half of his face and the other steadied him against the floor of her cell.

“Weefcumtohescuu.” His words were incoherent and Shai felt a pang of guilt.

“Oh...oh fuck, shit I’m sorry I didn’t know it was you.”

“S'okay,” he said, his response muffled.

“Are you—did I—is it bad?”

He looked at her, his eyes clearly watering, and removed his hand to reveal a nose very much broken with blood coating his mouth and chin.

“Oh...Maker Cullen, I didn’t mean to.” The pang of guilt morphed into a wave of remorse and she fumbled with what to say next.

“Well that’s no way to greet the people come to your rescue,” a familiar voice mock scolded and then the Mage from the Chantry appeared in the doorway of her cell. “I was worried we’d be searching the whole castle for you. Glad to see you’re still in one piece.”

“Yeah, no thanks to Alexius trying to poison me,” Shai retorted.

“Pure speculation,” Dorian sang, stepping into her cell and around Cullen. “If Alexius wanted to poison you, you would currently be swimming in the Void. And as you’re still very much alive and breathing, I can deduce he meant only to immobilize not to kill.” He sank to his knees by her chained arm, furrowing his brows as he got up close to her dimly glowing mark.

Shai reflexively closed her fingers, the emerald light suppressed by her digits. Dorian pursed his lips at her reaction but nevertheless set to work removing the cuff from around her wrist. He produced a ring of keys and flipped through them, casually selecting one to insert into the lock.

“Here we are,” he proclaimed as an audible click was heard and the metal fell away from her appendage. Shai rubbed at where she’d been chained, trying to sooth the irritated and itching skin.

“Thanks,” she said as she used the wall and Dorian’s shoulder to push herself to her feet. “How long was I in here?”

“Only three days, though I suspect the lack of light down here doesn’t help to keep track of time overmuch. And don’t thank me, thank Felix. He’s the one who snuck your Commander out to fetch help after all. Which reminds me, we shouldn’t keep him or his father waiting. You are expected presently by at least the former.”

Cullen had risen in the time it took for her to be freed and he was tilting his head back, trying to keep the blood from running down his face.

“Really I’m sorry...about that,” Shai mumbled gesturing vaguely to his face. He grunted in response but she chose to take it as acceptance of her apology. It wasn’t as if she’d struck him on purpose; she’d like to meet the person who woke gracefully from sleep when being hurriedly shaken. But his eyes were screwed shut in pain and she looked down at her feet, abashed at her physical outburst.

“That’s barely a scratch. Here, let me have a look. I’m no healer but I know a few spells might take the pain away and at least stop the bleeding. Hold still so I don’t take your eye out by accident.” Dorian swaggered to the Commander’s side and gently but firmly pulled the Commander's head down, despite the subject’s obvious unwillingness. He touched Cullen’s broken nose, which garnered a low hiss, and tsked in reprimand.

“Come now I’m sure you’ve had worse. Steady, this won’t take but a second.” A faint glow came from Dorian’s fingertips and the Commander made a strangled noise.

“There. You’ll need someone official to take a look at it but that should hold for the moment. No don’t touch it!” The Tevinter swatted Cullen’s hand away as it reached for the feature in question.  

“Not trying to be a nuisance or anything mates but would someone kindly tell me what’s going on?” Rhys reminded them of his presence and Shai swore at her forgetfulness.

“Oose dat?” Cullen asked his normally deep timbre touched with a nasal tinge, considerable swelling starting to surround the bridge of his nose.

“My friend from Ostwick,” she explained shortly. “Dorian I need your keys.”

Not waiting for his response, Shai swept the ring out of his hands and retrieved the still lit torch from the ground. Holding it aloft she stepped into the corridor that ran between the cells.

“Rhys, make some noise so I can find where you are.”

A clanging noise assaulted her ears and she followed it down to the left and around a slight corner where another long bank of cells spread out into the darkness.

“Whoever built this place sure had a lot of enemies,” she mused to herself. “Rhys?”

“Here!” Came his answer from directly to her right. She whirled and held the torch out to the bars, the steel of them glinting in the light. He was just barely visible sitting against the back wall, similarly restrained as she had been.

“Hold on, I’ll get you out.” With shaking hands Shai ran through the keys on the ring, finally finding one that unlocked the cell door before swinging it open. She moved forward on legs suddenly gone stiff with nerves to take a knee in front of him.

“Hey,” she smiled weakly, keeping the torch out of his face so it didn’t blind him with the sudden exposure to light.

“Long time no see love,” he said softly, his face splitting into a grin. During their time together—though how long they’d actually been kept in the dungeon neither could say—she’d filled him in on her life since their last time seeing each other and he’d done likewise. Rhys _had_ been alive when he'd left Ostwick's Circle to be transported to the Gallows. 

When the Chantry exploded and the rebellion hit, he and a few close friends stood to fight the Templars at first, but as all hell broke loose they cut their losses and tried to run; two of them were cut down before they could reach the outskirts of Kirkwall. Rhys and the other survivor split up, promising to meet at a rendezvous point but when the time came he was the only one to show. So alone and on the run he’d wandered until fate had eventually led him into Fiona’s care.

Shai studied the man in front of her, a very distinct difference from the boy she’d known at Ostwick. His shoulders and chest had broadened, not that he’d ever been willowy before but his physical form had matured. His hair was longer, tied back in a leather thong, but still the same shade of strawberry blonde she remembered turned copper in the sun. Stubble graced his jaw, chin, and upper lip, and he wore two silver rings in each ear.

But aside from the lines that time had etched into his skin, he still looked like her Rhys beneath all the changes. His grey eyes hadn’t lost their characteristic gleam and they studied her intently as he made his own assessment of how she compared to his memories. His gaze dropped to her left hand but didn’t linger for a perverse amount of time before returning to her face.

“Haven’t changed a bit,” he teased with a wink. “But you were saying something about getting me out?”

“Right. Sorry.” Shai sprang the lock on his chains and helped him to his feet. Immediately Rhys pulled her to him and engulfed her in a hug, resting his cheek on the top of her head. She clung to him tightly for a minute, blinking away a sudden appearance of moisture in her eyes as she stepped back.

“Its good to see you again,” he murmured, reaching out a hand to playfully tug a lock of hair that had un-tucked from behind her ear.

“I hate to interrupt but we really should get moving. Your Inquisition is expecting us,” Dorian piped up from behind them and turning, Shai found he and Cullen had followed her.

“The Inquisition is here?” She asked with no small amount of hope in her voice. 

“I sent a raven from the forward camp asking Leliana to send her agents. They’ve infiltrated the castle and are awaiting our signal to act. They’re dealing with the Venatori while we take care of Alexius,” Cullen answered and she felt a little better to see the blood had stopped pouring form his nose, though she knew it was still undoubtedly painful to the touch.

“Alright then, lead the way.” Shai and Rhys stepped into the corridor, her torch illuminating their way. Without warning Rhys lunged forward and pinned Cullen to the wall, the Commander’s head bouncing off the stone and eliciting a yell of pain.

“Bloody hell, what are you doing?!” She yelled as she was rudely shoved aside. Her gaze swept back and forth between the two men, one wearing an expression of shock and pain, the other looking positively murderous. “For fuck’s sake Rhys, get off him!”

“No,” her friend bit out through clenched teeth, pressing down on Cullen’s throat where he had it pinned with his forearm. “I would recognize this bastard anywhere. He’s one of them.”

“One of who?” Dorian asked in puzzlement, looking faintly fascinated with a touch of worry over the ensuing altercation.

“A Templar,” Rhys spit and Shai’s stomach dropped. _Shit_. She shot a hand out and encircled his arm with her fingers, feeling how tightly bunched his muscles were beneath her touch.

“Release him and I’ll explain! He’s not with the Order anymore he’s part of the Inquisition. Please, you’re going to hurt him.”

“Ha! Hurt him? As if he and his bloody kind haven’t hurt so many of us! Do you know he used to be Knight-Captain of Kirkwall while I was there? He had me tied to a post and whipped like a dog!”

She drew in a sharp breath and her hand on Rhys’s arm slackened.

“For an attempted escape...but it wasn’t...my order,” Cullen choked out, his hands working to free his throat.

“Let him go,” Shai said lowly and Rhys looked at her sharply.

“After what I just told you?” He barked, eyes flashing with anger.

“Just let him go. We can deal with this later after we get out of here.” She waited for him to remove his forearm from Cullen’s throat but he only pressed it harder after her request.

“Rhys,” she snapped, her gaze boring into his, a silent battle of wills. With a snarl he let go and stepped back. Cullen drew a deep breath and hacked it out, bending to brace his hands on his thighs. He straightened after a few minutes, fixing Rhys with a glare and tension crackled between them in as they stared each other down. Dorian cleared his throat uncomfortably, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Fine then...let’s go,” Rhys bit out, turning his back to Cullen and taking the lead. Shai spared the Commander a silent look, raising her eyebrows in question. He nodded imperceptibly asserting he was ok, and she started after Rhys’s retreating footsteps.

“Well that was certainly a touching reunion,” Dorian commented sardonically. “Though I have a feeling this one with Alexius will be even better.”

“We’ll see shortly, won’t we?” Shai mumbled to herself, a well of nerves gathering in her chest as they walked to meet the Magister.

++++

Cullen touched his throat gingerly and avoided his nose altogether as he tried to assess the overall damage to his person. He certainly hadn’t expected Shai to punch him when he found her in her cell, albeit it had been in her moment of waking. And he certainly hadn't expected or anticipated Rhys's reaction, but he had been most unprepared for the surge of relief he experienced finding Shai alive and, for the most part, unharmed.

He had been quick to attribute it to the calming of his fears that Alexius would dispose of her somehow before his return and doom all of Thedas to the mercy of the Breach. But he try as he might he couldn’t ignore his gut teasing him that it was something else entirely, a creeping suspicion he did his damndest to ignore.

As they’d left the dungeon behind, Rhys had been keeping tabs on him, alternating between giving Cullen a wide berth and stalking uncomfortably close; it brought to mind the way a cat might toy with a mouse before devouring it and he decidedly did not like feeling himself in the role of the rodent. Shai tried to keep herself stationed between them, but her position in the middle as an attempted peacekeeper only provided a constant reminder of the brewing conflict.

It was uncomfortably tense to say the least, and unhelpful given the impending mission that would require a combined effort. As soon as he’d left Felix at Redcliffe Cullen had ridden hard for the forward camp, driven by a sense of anxiety that something irreparable would happen before he could return with help. It had taken a little over 24 hours after a raven was dispatched for the first of the Spymaster’s men to come riding into sight some miles from the camp; a battalion of the Inquisition’s best agents had been close behind.

After a two hour delay caused by deliberation of the best way to rescue the Herald and capture Alexius, they’d set off on the return to Redcliffe taking care to keep off the main roads. Their alternate route took them through unkempt marshland and swamps. Felix had sent Dorian as his go between, the Mage materializing in their midst as they stood finalizing strategies, bearing the helpful information that there was a passageway Leliana’s men could funnel through.

Their success would depend heavily on the element of surprise, lacking as they were in the manpower to fully take the castle. Meanwhile Dorian would accompany Cullen to retrieve the Herald and the festivities would begin thereafter. Subsequently here they stood outside the throne room, so far having gone luckily unnoticed, Shai visibly buzzing with nerves.

“Right then, everyone ready?” Dorian asked, tightening his grip on his staff. Cullen sounded an affirmative as he unsheathed his sword and hefted his shield on his arm; his blood was singing as it always did before a confrontation, streams of adrenaline tearing their way through his veins. His heart picked up its pace as he thought about all the ways things could go wrong, the least among his musings the event that all of them could be slain in this risky endeavor.

Redcliffe castle was one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden; this was more or less a suicide mission. He felt vastly in over his head not having the proper time to plan for a successful assault, but the situation was unfortunately out of his control and it made him acutely aware their backs were to the wall should things go heinously wrong.

For a split second the remembered taste of lyrium flowing over his tongue again assaulted his senses and he shuddered. _No, don’t let yourself go there, you’re better than that_. With difficulty he willed his mind to focus on the task at hand; he would not, could not afford to lose control now. A small tremor of fear eased its tendrils into his stomach at the sudden onslaught of craving he had felt and how easily it had snuck up on him.

Beside him Shai squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. Rhys shifted so he was flanking her on the right and Cullen himself moved so he could defend from the left. Dorian fell back to slightly behind them bringing up the rear.

“Ready or not,” the Herald muttered and then she was shoving the massive door to the throne room open. It creaked on its hinges and swung inward to reveal an ascending set of stairs. Two Venatori stood stationed at their base and Cullen felt the air fill with magic as his companions readied their spells.

Rhys struck first, a burst of flames shooting from his staff towards the face of one of the cultists. The man sidestepped the attack, never removing his hands from where they were folded behind him. Shai cultivated a ball of electricity in one palm, drawing her arm back to unleash it.

“Its alright my friends, there’s no need to fight. Surely we can discuss things in a more civilized manner. Let them pass.”

Alexius’s voice stopped her dead and her spell fizzled. The Venatori parted and stood aside, clearing the way ahead for them. Cullen looked edgily from side to side, fully expecting a sneak attack but none came or seemed likely to.

“Go, I’ll cover you,” Dorian promised lowly. A barrier lit up around him, Shai, and Rhys, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up in reaction to the magic encasing him in a shield. As one unit they moved forward, leaving the Tevinter behind. In unspoken tacit agreement, both he and Rhys drew closer to one another protecting the Herald’s immediate flank while still offering defense of her sides.

As they crested the top of the stairs they were greeted with an expanse of stone floor that ended in a raised dais. Alexius sat atop it in a wing-backed throne, one leg crossed casually over the other with a fire burning menacingly behind him. Felix stood beside his father, face carefully arranged in an expression of surprise. The former Grand Enchanter was present as well standing at the foot of the dais, her hands twisting together.

In the spaces between the grand columns that soared upwards to support Redcliffe’s roof, multiple Venatori stood staring out at them from behind concealing masks. Cullen kept them in his peripheral vision, on guard for any sign of quick movement. He only hoped Leliana’s men were prepared; he doubted Alexius’s lackeys would be pulling any punches. The Magister pushed himself from his seat, a perturbed grin stealing over his mouth.

“Herald of Andraste, its so good to see you again. And Commander you as well, though I must admit I’m a little interested to know how you’re both here considering this is not where I left you. Ah and I see you’ve brought a friend along. Have we met?” he asked cordially, clasping his hands in front of him. Rhys bristled angrily, a low growl brewing in his throat.

“Spare us your theatrics Alexius, you’re not fooling anyone,” Shai said.

“No? Hmmm I suppose not. I dare say our last meeting was abruptly ended though I do hope you haven’t come in retaliation. I can assure that won’t end well for you, Herald.”

“By all means then, shall we sit down and have a nice chat over some tea instead? Maybe some cakes as well? Perhaps then you can tell us why you’re really here. And while you’re at it, I’m awfully interested to hear about this so called time magic you’ve been cavorting about with,” Shai said sweetly, just the faintest curl of her lip giving her tone away as anything but friendly.

“Yes and then you can explain how you found your way out of your cell so I can remedy that once I stick you back in it.”

“She knows everything father,” Felix interrupted and Alexius’s head whipped around to stare at his son.

“Felix? What have you done?”

“Nothing more than help a good cause, surely you can understand that.” Dorian made his way towards them, the two Venatori flanking him. He looked completely at ease as he came to stand next to Cullen, his eyebrow cocked sardonically.

“Dorian,” the Magister greeted contemptuously. “I should’ve known it would come to this.”

“One of us should have the decency to recognize when things have gone too far.”

“I gave you a chance to be part of this, you turned me down.”

“Do you really think what you’re doing is a good idea? That any of this is going to help in the end?” Shai asked incredulously.

“You! Don’t you think you can stand here and patronize me girl. You walk in here with your stolen mark, a gift you don’t even understand and think you’re in control?! The gall Herald is impressive if not foolish. I should have killed you when I had the chance.”

“Father, listen to yourself!” Felix cried. “Look at what you’ve become!”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You have no knowledge of the master I serve.” Alexius’s voice took on a feverish pitch and Cullen tightened his hand on his sword hilt, his muscles coiled as he readied himself to spring into action.

“The Elder One has power you would not believe. He will raise the Imperium from its own ashes and soon he will become a God.” He trailed off reverently, his eyes burning with intensity. Shai drew a sharp breath in, her brows slamming low over her eyes.

“Is that who killed the Divine?” She asked lowly and Cullen went rigid as he watched the Magister carefully for an answer; the death of Justinia still weighed heavily, made all the more crushing that her killer walked free somewhere. Alexius shook his head, his skin stretching as he revealed his teeth in a cold smile. “He will make the world bow to Mages once more. We will rule from the Boric Ocean to the Frozen Seas.”

“You can’t involve my people in this!” Fiona burst out and Cullen jumped as he’d all but forgotten her presence in the throne room.

“Alexius this is exactly what you and I talked about never wanting to happen!” Dorian tried to placate, stepping towards the dais. Cullen heard a whistling noise but didn’t dare turn his gaze to investigate; all it would take was one moment of distraction.

“Stop it father, give up the Venatori,” Felix himself pleaded. “Let the southern Mages fight the breach and lets go home.”  
“No it’s the only way Felix, he can save you.”

 _Save him? Whoever this Elder One is, destroying not saving sounds more in the line of his repertoire,_ Cullen thought in perplexity. He felt the mood shift in the room and knew the moment was closing in on them it was only a matter of time.

“Get ready,” he warned quietly, just loud enough for Shai and Rhys to hear. They both gave imperceptible nods.

“Save me?” Felix sounded vastly confused.

“There is a way,” Alexius continued hurriedly. “The Elder One promised if I undo the mistake at the Temple...” He trailed off, seemingly lost in his thoughts before his gaze sharpened and swept to fix on Shai. “Seize them Venatori, the Elder One demands this woman’s life!”

Cullen whirled and simultaneously raised his shield to deflect any incoming spells. Another barrier popped into existence this time from Rhys and he strangely welcomed the added protection. But instead of seeing advancing Venatori he watched Inquisition agents appeared behind the cultists, slipping daggers swiftly into exposed backs; one agent elicited a jarring snap as he vigorously snapped the neck of his opponent.

 _Leave it to the Spymaster to instruct on unconventional means of killing_ , he mused. The thumps of bodies hitting the floor echoed off the walls and the Magister took a few steps back as he watched his means of protection leave him.

“Your men are dead Alexius, stand down,” Shai commanded, pointing her staff at the Tevinter, the end of it burning with unshed magic.

“You...are a mistake,” he spit venomously. “You should never have existed.” He brought one hand up as he spoke, his fingers curled around a glowing ball of energy that birthed what appeared to be a necklace into existence.

“No!” Dorian cried and sent a spell whizzing at his old mentor. It struck Alexius squarely and he lost his balance, stumbling backwards as a roiling cloud of black smoke popped out of thin air. Cullen’s eyes went wide at the swirling green vortex that followed, its velocity and size growing with every second as it leached the light from the room. He felt himself edged towards it as if some invisible force were pulling him and indeed Shai was dangerously close to being sucked in as she fought against its magnetic current.

“Herald!” Without thinking, without hesitation he dove forward and rammed her out of the way. He didn’t have time to look where she landed as the floor beneath him disappeared and he felt himself falling. Then everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kinda figured that Alexius doesn't really do angry, yelly bad guy when he's thwarted, he's kinda eerily calm and smarmy so thats what I tried to convey with Shai and Cullen's reappearance. I hope I covered all the main aspects of how they got free and how the Inquisition got into Redcliffe. Also, I was originally thinking to make Rhys look kinda like Anders and have that be the reason he and Cullen don't get along and then I did some googling and one forum made it sound highly unlikely they would've known each other soooo I just changed it to Rhys being sent to the Gallows and that's why he's so shitty.


	9. In Hushed Whispers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long, very over due chapter. School has been kicking my butt and trust me when I say I've been working on this chapter for a while trying to get it right and dark enough because this quest was one of my favs so I wanted to nail it (hope I did) :) Anyhowww that being said, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone leaving kudos and comments even if I forget to respond to you individually I really do appreciate all the kind words and encouragement it really keeps me writing knowing people are enjoying this :) but yeah, heads up this is a dark one

_Those who had been cast down,_

_The demons who would be gods,_

_Began to whisper to men from their tombs_

_within the earth._

_And the men of Tevinter heard and raised altars_

_To the pretender-gods once more,_

_And in return were given, in hushed whispers,_

_The secrets of darkest magic._

* * *

"Are you ok?" Rhys asked. He and Shai sat beside each other on the steps of the throne room dais. It had been two hours since Cullen and Dorian had fallen through whatever it was Alexius conjured and there was no sign they'd return. The Inquisition agents had made short work of restraining the Magister and drug him off to be kept under careful lock and key. They had tried to take Fiona and Felix along as accomplices but Shai called Leliana's men off, assuring that the former Grand Enchanter and Alexius's son posed no threat. 

"I'm...I don't even know what I am. I'm still trying to figure out what happened," Shai said, her arms folded across her up drawn knees. "One minute they were here and the next...they were gone. We don't even know where they ended up. They could be dead for all we know." 

"My father will talk eventually," Felix assured from his place leaning against a nearby pillar. 

"Will he?" Rhys asked, cocking a copper eyebrow. Felix avoided his gaze studiously, his shoulders rising and falling as he sighed. 

"S'what I thought mate," Rhys said, leaning back to rest his elbows on the step behind him. He stretched both legs out and crossed them at the ankle, his appearance one of leisure, though his eyes flicked restlessly about. Fiona hovered a few feet away her fingers fiddling nervously with a loose string on the edge of her sleeve.

Shai stared at the floor, lost in thought as she replayed over and over their confrontation with Alexius. He'd been holding an amulet that had allowed him to open a portal--at least that's what it'd looked like--though she didn't know how he had. The great, swirling mess of space had been dragging her, trying to suck her in when Cullen knocked her from its path, sacrificing himself instead. 

It was a stupid, impetuous move however it was a selfless action and she made a wish that wherever he was now, he was alive and that he could get back, that both of them could get back. At least he had a Mage with him; Dorian, after all, had worked with Alexius to develop the type of time magic they were using, perhaps he knew how to combat it...she hoped. Otherwise the Commander of the Inquisition was lost forever and she realized she didn't much like that possibility. 

"So how long are we gonna sit here?" Rhys asked nudging her with his shoulder. 

"Until they come back," Shai answered automatically. He exhaled lengthily and pursed his lips. 

"Could be a while then." 

She didn't respond to his obvious assessment of their situation, dropping her head to rest her cheek on her knee. The doors at the end of the hall burst open suddenly and she jumped as the wood rebounded off the stone walls behind it. Fiona gasped and Shai's head shot up to see two lines of marching soldiers coming towards them. She was on her feet instantly staff in hand with Rhys beside her. Felix came to stand next to them adopting a guarded stance. Only Fiona remained where she was but she'd gone very pale and her hands trembled visibly. 

The soldiers came to a stop surrounding them, marching twice in place before shifting to at attention. A man and woman appeared through the door way striding purposely forward. There was something authoritative about the couple and Shai's eyes narrowed as she worked to discern who they were. Fiona solved the mystery for her as she moved to address them. 

"King Alistair, Queen Anora." 

Shai's jaw dropped and she shut it quickly with an audible click.  _The King and Queen of Ferelden are here? Why? Oh shit they looked mad!_ The King's eyes were shadowed by how intensely his brow was drawn down and the Queen's lips were pursed in displeasure. Her eyes simmered hotly as they swept over the throne room, coming to rest pointedly on Fiona. 

"Grand Enchanter, we'd like to discuss your abuse of our hospitality," the King stated angrily, his hands folded behind his back. 

"Your majesties," Fiona began as she bent slightly at the waist in a bow. "I assure you--" 

"When we offered the mages sanctuary we did not give them the right to drive our people from their homes," Anora cut her off sharply and Shai and Rhys exchanged a look at the aggressiveness in the Queen's voice. 

"It was never our intention--" 

"In light of your actions, good intentions are no longer enough," Anora dismissed Fiona's words and the former Grand Enchanter subsided into silence meekly. 

"You and your followers have worn out your welcome. Leave Ferelden or we'll be forced to make you leave!" Alistair declared taking a step towards Fiona. 

"But--" 

"Wait, hold on." Shai started towards the royal pair and heard Rhys mutter a word of caution. The King and Queen seemed to notice they weren't alone for the first time and looked enormously surprised as Shai came to stand beside Fiona. 

"And who might you be?" Anora demanded drawing herself up to her full height. Cordelia Trevelyan's incessant training kicked in and Shai dropped into an awkward curtsy made all the more jumbled  by her haste to dispense with the formality. 

"I'm the Herald of Andraste, your majesties." 

"The Herald?" Alistair sounded unfamiliar with the word and cocked his head to the side. 

"I'm with the Inquisition," Shai explained though she doubted that was much more of a clarification. The majesties glanced at each other indecipherably before the Queen spoke again. 

"Are you a guest of the mages then?" 

"No, I mean yes umm its kind've a long story," Shai cringed as Anora's eyes narrowed skeptically. 

"If you are a guest of the mages, then you are not welcome either. The Grand Enchanter and her charges are to vacate Redcliffe immediately." 

"But where will we go? We have hundreds who need protection!" Fiona protested her voice pleading. 

"Your majesties please if you would allow us to explain." Felix came to join their gathering his hands held out, palms up in a supplicating gesture. The King looked at him coldly and shook his head. 

"I believe we are past the point of explanations. The mages will leave Redcliffe today per our decree or there will be consequences." The discussion over as far as Alistair was concerned, he offered his arm to Anora. Flanked by their soldiers they left the throne room, the last of their men closing the door loudly behind him. 

The silence was deafening after their departure broken only by Fiona's shaky intake of breath. 

"Well that could've gone better, aye?" Rhys commented drily. Shai blinked rapidly completely perplexed by the hostile personalities she'd just been introduced to. 

"That was the King and Queen of Ferelden?" 

Felix nodded and ran a hand over his shorn hair. "I do believe they are none too happy with us." 

"No shit mate," Rhys laughed as he came to them. "I'd say we've got some packing to do before his and her majesty come back." 

"We can't just leave! We don't have Dorian or Cullen yet!" Shai exclaimed. Felix looked at her grimly.

"Until my father tells us where he has sent them, we have no way of knowing if they're even alive or if they even can come back. It could be hours or days or years--" 

"Or never," Rhys supplied helpfully and Shai shot him a pointed look at how blasé he sounded. "What? Just speaking plainly." 

"I'm not leaving. The Commander is needed by the Inquisition." 

"I'm sure you could find another Templar who'd be up to the task, love. They seem to be crawling around everywhere," Rhys said disdainfully. 

"Well I'm not up to finding another friend," Felix cut in irritatedly and Rhys held his hands up in surrender. 

"Just joking mate. No need to get offended. We can wait it out, that is if the King and Queen don't decide to mount our heads on pikes." 

"Excuse me Herald. I need to go talk to my people." Fiona glided away soundlessly her small shoulders bent as if a giant weight was settled on them. She'd been staring off dazedly into the distance after Anora and Alistair departed, the look of a person feeling the crushing hold of responsibility. 

I know exactly how that feels, Shai mused. 

"So this whole waiting around for something that may not happen...sounds like buckets of fun." 

"Rhys I know it's been a while but I don't remember you needing to put your opinion in on everything the last time we were together," Shai tossed out and her friend snorted in amusement before returning to his spot on the dais stairs. 

"Simply trying to liven things up is all." 

"Felix, can you get Alexius to talk?" She asked and a wrinkle of skin appeared between the man's eyebrows as he speculated. 

"I'll try. I can't promise anything, my father can be a stubborn man and he won't feel pressed to help the Inquisition." 

"Anything you can get is better than nothing," Shai sighed and dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. Redcliffe had exhausted her thoroughly and her body wanted sleep. More so she just wanted to get away from all the unending craziness that kept getting worse and worse. Honestly she didn't know how much farther downhill things could go. 

 _The castle could always blow up like the conclave. Now there's a thought!_  Felix took his leave and then it was just she and Rhys left occupying the great expanse of room. She didn't want to sit still yet pacing back and forth endlessly seemed tiresome. Compromising Shai sank to the floor and stretched out on her back taking in the detailing that adorned the ceiling. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Thinking." 

"Let me know how that goes for you." 

She gave Rhys a mock salute and settled her hands behind her head pillowing it against the stone. Wherever Dorian and Cullen were, she hoped it wasn't a nightmare of a place.

++++ 

"That's the last of them." Cullen pulled his sword from the fallen body of a Venatori wiping the blade clean against the cultist's robes. Dorian brushed delicately at a rust-colored stain on the front of his robes, his nose wrinkled in disgust. 

"For now. This is probably not what Alexius intended. The rift must have moved us...to what? The closest confluence of arcane energy?"

“Is that even English?” Cullen asked, the assessment of their situation going completely over his head. Dorian snorted lightly in amusement.

“Allow me to simplify. Alexius used the amulet as a focus. It moved us through time. So its not just simply where, its when.”

“That doesn’t sound good. _None_ of this sounds good. Is it absolutely impossible for Mages to understand why people fear them? This type of thing, this is exactly what circles work to prevent!” Cullen sheathed his sword angrily, ignoring the way Dorian’s lip twitched at his comment. “Moved us through time? Can that even be done?”

“Normally I would say no. Obviously Alexius has taken his research to exciting new heights,” the Mage drawled and crossed his arms. Cullen looked down somewhat abashed. Dorian after all was trapped here same as he, magical abilities aside, and they both knew who was to blame for their current predicament.

“That was...uncalled for,” he apologized and Dorian made a noncommittal sound.

“Let’s look around, see where the rift took us. Then we can figure out how to get back...if we can.”

“And if we can’t?”

“Don’t worry. I’m here I’ll protect you. But why don’t we take one thing at a time, yes?”

"I think we should find some dry land first," Cullen said much more casually than he felt, lifting a foot from the water in which they stood. The bodies of the Venatori cultists floated aimlessly nearby.  

"Couldn't agree more. Lead the way." Dorian stepped aside and allowed Cullen to move past him to reach for the cell door opposite the one the Venatori had come through. He wrapped his fingers around a bar and pulled but the door held firm. 

"Please don't tell me we're trapped down here." Dorian appeared beside him. Cullen tried to budge the door open again but it refused to move. 

"Can you, you know?" He waved his hand uselessly at the steel bars and Dorian raised an eyebrow. 

"Can I what? Oh yes, yes of course I can 'you know' how silly of me for not offering," he said sarcastically. Cullen's mouth twisted down at the corners.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said running a hand briskly through his hair. So maybe he deserved a bit of animosity for his earlier remark. But he was personally very frazzled and trying to make sense of everything to no avail. The room felt too small and the walls seemed to be pressing in with every second. Not to mention his legs were soaked up to the knees and his boots water logged.

He wondered what Shai was doing back in the present, whether Alexius was safely restrained or if somehow he'd disposed of those left.  _Maker forbid_ , he thought with a stab of concern for her safety. He had no doubt in his mind that the Magister had intended to send the Herald where he and Dorian ended up. He'd caught a fleeting glimpse of Alexius's face when he'd shoved Shai out of the way and it was rampant surprise mixed with foiled rage.

Then his entire view had been nothing but the black inside of time opening around him and he'd felt an otherworldly force tugging him this way and that. Oddly enough it wasn't painful, just uncomfortable and strange. Then a flash of blinding white light and he'd splashed into the water where they now stood. 

Why he'd gone and played the hero at the most crucial moment was still a question he was grappling with. He hadn't even hesitated, hadn't given it a second thought, just acted. Once he noticed Shai was in trouble it was a compulsive response that took control and moved him into the path of danger while simultaneously removing her from its sights.

 _But why?_ He owed her nothing; they were hardly friends, only comrades working together because they had a common enemy in Alexius and that occupied the time they would normally use to bicker. He refused to acknowledge that their intimate knowledge of each other could have anything to do with how unconsciously he'd reacted to her peril.

Their night on the forest floor was not some slow burn attraction finally boiling over from the metaphoric cauldron where it had been brewing. People used one another for physical pleasure, it didn't magically change the way a person felt about someone else. Besides, he could decidedly say with the utmost confidence Thedas would freeze over before the Herald’s opinion of him reinvented itself. 

"Still with us Commander?" Dorian questioned and Cullen cleared his throat putting thoughts of Shai out of his mind. There was a job to be done and it would require his full attention no matter how fruitless his efforts might prove to be should he and Dorian become permanently stuck in time. 

"Sorry. Can you get the door open–do you think—with magic?" Cullen asked eyeing the steel bars and mentally calculating whether the Mage could conjure a hot enough fire to melt them. 

"My dear man, you flatter me thinking so highly of my abilities," Dorian accompanied his words with a mock bow and Cullen couldn't help but crack a small smile; they might be stuck in the worst predicament but at least one of them could still manage a sense of humor. "However I can give it a try. I suggest you stand back." 

Cullen obeyed and cleared the way as Dorian positioned about five feet away from the bars and stretched his hands in front of him after slinging his staff onto his back. Almost immediately his palms began to glow with an orange-red light that grew as he poured more intensity into his magic. The skin on the back of Cullen's neck tingled and his Templar sixth sense kicked in but he clenched his hands and repressed the urge to neutralize the "threat."

By now a sizable fireball had appeared before Dorian, supported by his nimble fingers in mid air. With a whipping motion he lobbed the conjured projectile. Cullen shaded his eyes as the door imploded and a blast of intense heat blew back towards him.

Pieces of ash floated lazily in the air when he lowered his hand and embers edged a massive hole where solid bars had been a second ago. Dorian turned to him looking as if he were attending a relaxing garden party, not a hair out of place or a bead of sweat upon him. 

"Shall we continue?" He asked returning his staff to his hand. Cullen nodded and the two men moved forward weapons drawn. Their feet squelched in their wet boots as they waded through a hall of water and ascended a set of stone stairs. They pushed through the door that awaited them at the top and Cullen felt his breath leave him. Red lyrium. Everywhere.

Pockets of it sprang from the walls and a great stalagmite of it grew across the corridor in front of him, nearly blocking the way entirely. A cold sweat broke out on his skin. The lyrium called to him strongly, wrapped its tendrils of enticement around him and begged he come closer. Its song was one of madness, not the cool relief provided by the blue vials he’d pressed to his lips in the Order.

But it was a tempting madness, one that knew he was weak and in need of guidance and it promised to show him the way. As if from outside his body Cullen watched himself raise a hand to the nearest collection of shards, his fingers a hairsbreadth away when Dorian knocked his arm down.

“Don’t touch that! Maker only knows what it is.”

“Lyrium,” Cullen supplied, his voice barely above a whisper. “Its what they gave us in the Order.”

“They gave you that?” Dorian sounded horrified and fascinated at once.

“Not this kind. This is different.” Cullen passed a shaky hand over his face. “Its bad, we shouldn’t stand near it. We need to keep moving.” He held his breath as they ducked beneath the stalagmite; it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and his footsteps quickened in order to move himself past it faster.

 _Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t look at it. Keep going. Breathe, in and out, in and out._ They crossed under an archway and through another door that dumped them out in an open space between two cells. Cullen was about to bypass them when he noticed one had an occupant and on closer inspection recognized the elf that had shown them to the tavern upon their entrance into Redcliffe village.

“Maker’s breath...”

“Venhedis!” Dorian swore vehemently. Cullen stepped closer to the elf, peering through the cell bars.

“Andraste blessed me. Andraste blessed me...My tears are my sins, my sins, my sins...Andraste guide me, Andraste guide me...” The elf swayed back and forth on his feet, his eyes unblinking and unfocused, staring blankly into the distance never wavering. A large growth of lyrium shared the cell with the elf, its sickly glow edging him in a red light. Cullen felt chilled to the bone as he snapped his fingers before the bars and received no different response. Whatever world the elf was in, it certainly was not this one.

“What has Alexius done,” Dorian asked horrified and Cullen had no answer for him. After a few more attempts at receiving some sort of notice they continued on leaving the elf behind, his mindless chanting filling the air hauntingly. They stopped outside another door, hesitant to discover what lay beyond.

"After you," Dorian said and Cullen went into a defensive crouch preparing for whatever could be on the other side as he raised his shield and counted to three before entering onto a T shaped platform.

On both of the ends diagonally from him stood a Venatori and his non-stealthy appearance drew their attention immediately. He felt Dorian at his back and the Mage gave him an encouraging push forward. 

"Take the left, I’ll get the right!" 

Cullen needed no more prodding than that as the first Venatori closed the gap between them. Expertly he caught the man across his knees and dropped him to the ground. The cultist wailed in pain but Cullen silenced him with a forceful shield bash, leaving his limp body sprawled in a pool of spreading blood.

The second one gave a harsh battle cry as he rushed towards Cullen with his sword raised above his head. Before the Venatori could take two more steps a wall of fire sprang into existence blocking his path and sending him retreating in a blind panic. Cullen watched the man near the edge of the platform and topple over the side, his shout of surprise echoing as he fell before being silenced forever.

“Alexius’s lackeys are out and about today,” Dorian commented as he adjusted his bracer. “I expect we haven’t seen the last of them...how unfortunate. Be ready for anything. I can’t imagine this place isn’t filled with pitfalls.”

Cullen nodded in agreement and led the way off the right side of the platform. He and Dorian wound their way through numerous corridors, finding themselves in more than one dead end room. The red lyrium grew rampantly everywhere and Cullen was finding it hard to concentrate. He had unleashed himself from the addiction of his past life but the memories were still there vividly and they crept into the forefront of his mind.

His head was throbbing dully and he felt faintly nauseous. Once or twice he gagged quietly, wiping a hand briskly across his mouth and noted the skin between his glove and bracer was feverish to the touch. Dorian remained thankfully –or at least tactfully— oblivious to his conflict, instead ruminating out loud about ways to get them back to the present.

Luckily he didn’t expect any sort of input on his conjectures and Cullen was able to silently concentrate on motor skills for it was becoming increasingly hard to walk. His feet dragged and his eyes continuously searched their way back to the glowing shards all around. His mouth was dry and his tongue heavy and useless. _You might feel better if you get a little closer, maybe touch it? What harm can it do?_

 _Lots of harm, things you can’t even imagine..._ he combatted the monstrous voice that was knocking around inside his skull. They continued down into the bowels of Redcliffe further and further finding nothing of interest. The entire castle was in disrepair as far as Cullen could tell.

Water was leaking in from the ceiling and cascading down the walls, or at least what was left of them. The stone had given way in some places entirely, leaving cavernous holes behind. Sodden wooden beams criss-crossed each other where they’d come to rest on the ground having fallen from what was once the ceiling.

“Charming thing Alexius has done with the decor. I must get in touch with his decorator,” Dorian sniffed as they trekked down the latest flight of stairs they’d found. Cullen grimaced when his foot sank into a particularly deep puddle. Then he remembered he was still soaked to the knee from before and resorted to huffing in abject annoyance; decidedly he could say he never wanted to see another lake, pond, or river for a while.

He reached out to push open another door and found the wood resistant. Grumbling curses he raised his sword and deftly hacked apart the obstruction, creating a big enough gap that he and Dorian could squeeze through, albeit it was a tight fit.

The room on the other side was structured with a set of cells on either side and a steady stream of water was flowing incessantly from the exposed ceiling. More lyrium grew at the end farthest from them and the throb in Cullen’s head flared into splitting pain causing him to bring a hand to his temple and give a sharp hiss.

“Everything alright?” Dorian asked in concern.

“Everything’s fine,” Cullen responded through gritted teeth. _Everything is fine, everything is going to be fine_. He desperately wanted that to be true.

“Look at the state of this place! Maker’s breath its like he pulled the castle in on itself!”

“Somehow I think it suits him,” Cullen muttered and Dorian shot him a look he couldn’t read. Something like pity underlined with regret.

“He wasn’t always like this,” the Mage said softly. “He was a good friend to me once and a good mentor. I can’t help but think the Alexius I knew would be just as abhorred by all this as we are.”

“I’m...sorry. Truly...I am.” Cullen didn’t know what else to say and he shifted his weight awkwardly from foot to foot.

“Don’t be. Bad things happen to people and all it ends up showing is that maybe they weren’t as good as we thought after all. Such is the way of the world.” Dorian sounded flippant but Cullen discerned a note of sadness, though he left his observation unsaid. He, of all people, understood what it was like to watch someone you once respected crumble into destruction by their own volition. It wasn’t pretty, but then again self-ruin wasn’t a glamorous spectacle to begin with.

“I think these are empty,” Dorian summarized as he waded through the small lake of water the room contained, checking left and right, squinting a bit in the gloom.

“Lets try the other way,” Cullen said, thinking about the left part of the platform where they’d encountered the second group of Venatori. Hopefully a search of that side would turn up more fruitful findings for their efforts. He turned to climb back through the splintered door when Dorian called out.

“Hold on! I think there’s something in here!”

Cullen made his way to the last cell on the right, coming up behind Dorian and staring over his shoulder. He too struggled to see into the darkness behind the bars and could barely make out a few random shapes. The largest of them was bobbing gently in the water, resting mostly against the back wall of the cell.

“It just looks like more debris, I don’t think that’s anything—” he stopped mid-sentence as the large shape took on the form of a body. _Wait a minute, I recognize that armor_...He stepped around Dorian and pulled the cell door open. The movement caused a small ripple of a wave to lap gently against his legs and the body drifted a little closer. Cullen splashed over to it and hooked his hands beneath the armpits.

“Help me turn them over would you?” He called and the Mage obliged quickly. Grunting at the dead weight the two men managed to flip the body onto its back and as Cullen got a good look at its face he fell back a step, abruptly shoving Dorian out of the way.

The skin was puffy and distorted from being in the water so long, white as the belly of a fish with the veins sticking out prominently, but he could still make out the undeniable features of Blackwall. The warrior’s stomach was massively bloated beneath his soaking wet and rusted armor, as were his hands and face. His beard and hair floated gently in the water, at odds to his grotesque appearance as they waved gently back and forth in the current.

“Poor man,” Dorian shook his head and Cullen felt his stomach heave. The Warden’s chest had a jagged hole cut through it but he didn’t want to look too closely and be faced with internal organs. By the torn flaps of skin it looked as if a blade had been Blackwall’s end and Cullen had seen enough wounds like it to recognize the handiwork of a great sword. Grey eyes stared unseeing, bugging from their sockets and Cullen moved to close them. He swallowed a rise of bile as a piece of skin sloughed off under his ministrations and wiped his gloved hand stiffly on his breeches.

“Someone you know?” Dorian asked quietly and he nodded as he got to his feet. Clearly the warden’s body had been deposited in its watery grave and left to decompose forgotten in the deepest parts of Redcliffe.

“A member of the Inquisition. He was a good man.” Cullen found he could say nothing more to the person of Blackwall’s character because truthfully he hadn’t spent much time with the man outside of a few discussions over tactics and training. But he had heard commendations over the warrior’s unflinching resolve in the face of battle and that made him alright in Cullen’s book.

 _May the Maker take you to his side and keep you_ , he offered silently. It was the best he could do for there was no time to give a proper burial. They exited quietly, their footsteps the only sound between them as they made their way from the room. He found the image of Blackwall’s lifeless face and bloated body burned into his mind and try as he might couldn’t blink it away. A hand fell on his shoulder and he jerked, having slipped into thought and forgotten Dorian’s presence.

“For what its worth, I’m sorry amatus.”

“Amatus?”

“It means ‘friend’ in Tevene.”

“Oh...” Cullen didn’t know how to respond and Dorian artfully filled in the awkward gap.

“I’d rather be trapped with a friend than an enemy. I figure after this, _if_ we survive it that is, we’ll have spent a lot of time together and might as well think of each other as allies if nothing else.” It was sound logic and Cullen nodded once in acceptance. The Mage was growing on him more by the second, he found, and he felt more at ease knowing Dorian had his back.

They climbed their way back to the platform and crossed to the other side once more descending into a maze of stairs, dead ends, and cells. Cullen hung back whenever they got to the latter, letting Dorian search for occupants. He was fearful of just who they could stumble across next and preferred not to look if he could help it. Every second they spent within this new Redcliffe tore at him.

It was like a perpetual nightmare; he wanted to wake up but couldn’t. Every time he had himself convinced that at any moment he would blink and be back at Haven, his brain reality checked itself to remind him he wasn’t going anywhere. Dorian cursed loudly as a jet of water suddenly plummeted down on his dark locks, plastering them to his forehead.

“Would it kill Alexius to fix the leaks in this damnable castle?!”

“I don’t think he ventures down here often,” Cullen mumbled, keeping an eye on the ceiling above them lest he end up drenched as well. They stuck to the perimeter of the spaces they entered from then on, walking single file with their shoulders sometimes brushing the walls. Their investigation finally brought them into a small foyer more than partially caved in.

Light streamed through the broken masonry from some unknown source but it was impossible to squeeze past the fallen chunks of stone to follow it and it seemed they’d reached the end of the line. Cullen was damned if he knew what to do next.

They’d exhausted all possible routes now unless they’d overlooked something, in which case they would have to retrace their steps. He said as much and Dorian dragged a hand down his face.

“Fasta vass, this is impossible! I need a break.” The Mage wandered over to a wooden beam that looked relatively dry and dropped onto it. He leaned to rest against the wall and with a startled shout went heels over head backwards out of sight. Dorian’s face reappeared a moment later looking relieved and uninjured although slightly disgruntled.

“I believe I’ve possibly solved our dilemma.”

Indeed Cullen could see that what both of them had mistaken for a wall was actually a door that had fallen open under Dorian’s weight. He followed the Mage into, unsurprisingly, another area full of cells and groaned in utter frustration.

Retracing their steps back to where they’d started it was. Both of them were pivoting to leave when a voice stopped them. They exchanged a look, neither entirely sure they’d heard anything at all.

“Help...me.” The words were barely audible but they were certainly there and the men started searching through the cells on either side to no avail. They were all empty save for one that seemed to only serve the purpose of containing a decent sized pod of red lyrium. Cullen’s brow furrowed as he wondered whether his mind had been playing tricks on him.

“There’s no one here. Perhaps we imagined it?” Dorian suggested.

“I could have sworn—“

“Help...please...”

Cullen felt like he’d been punched in the gut as he realized the voice was coming from the lyrium. Maker no....that wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be. How could someone be _inside_ it? Dorian looked at him with wide eyes then moved closer to the cell.

“Is somebody...in there?” He asked hesitantly.

“Yessss...” came the reply, the word drawing out in a pained hiss. Whoever it was sounded like it was taking a monumental effort for them to talk and Cullen recoiled as a hand suddenly appeared from amongst the shards. It was followed by an arm enclosed in a tattered robe sleeve and soon after came a shoulder that subsequently gave way to the tortured, haggard face of the former Grand Enchanter.

“Fiona,” Cullen choked and Dorian gasped. “Is that—is the lyrium...growing out of you?”

“You...you’re alive?” She moved sunken eyes over Cullen and Dorian, a spark of disbelief flickering in their depths. Fiona’s cheekbones stood out prominently from beneath her skin gone a sickly shade of grey. Her lips were devoid of color and badly chapped, little cracks of blood welling in them.

“I saw you...disappear...into the rift,” she croaked. Her head rested against a branch of the lyrium, appearing too large and heavy for her now emaciated frame. Even engulfed as her body was Cullen could tell she was nearly wasted away to nothing and he guessed she’d been left to suffer and rot, betrayed by the very person she’d indentured herself and her charges to in the hopes of a better life. His chest squeezed at her appalling misfortune and he wanted to avert his eyes from her clear struggle to draw breath.

“We thought you were dead,” Fiona said, her eyes fluttering as she worked to keep them open. “Everyone thought you were dead. The Inquisition...”

“What about it?” Cullen blurted drawing closer to the Grand Enchanter. She shook her head sadly.

“It...fell...the Elder One...he came.”

“That makes no sense.” He said, his hands reaching out to wrap around the bars as he waited anxiously for her to elaborate. Fiona ran her tongue over her dry lips but Cullen noted the movement was devoid of any accompanying moisture.

“Alexius serves the Elder One. More powerful...than the Maker...no one challenges him...and lives.”

“The Elder One...isn’t that who Aelxius was talking about right before he sent us here?” He asked Dorian, who was looking particularly grave. “That’s him right, the one who wants the Herald dead?”

“Yes...” Fiona answered and Cullen turned back to her. “Alexius captured her for him...after you vanished...the Inquisition couldn’t stand without—without her.”

“Is she alive?” He asked quickly, bracing himself for the reveal of Shai’s death.

“She...is here...”

Cullen inhaled sharply and heard Dorian do the same.

“Then she’s alright?” the Mage questioned. Fiona’s eyes drifted down and Cullen stiffened. _Of course...I shouldn’t have expected any differently_.

“I do not know...I haven’t seen anyone...not since that day.”

“And when was that?” Dorian quizzed suddenly very alert. Cullen’s ears perked up as well, realizing they were finally about to learn just how far in time Alexius had sent them.

“9:41...it is Harvestmere, 9:42 Dragon...now.” Both men were silent as they digested the information.

“We’ve missed an entire year,” Cullen said dumbstruck, feeling as if all the air had been sucked from his lungs. Months of time gone just like that. The Inquisition had fallen and they hadn’t been there for any of it, _he_ hadn’t been there. He hadn’t been at his post leading his men and people had died because of that. He had failed and it was a bitter taste he was intimately familiar with.

But worse he had failed those who were depending on the Inquisition to put the world to rights and their blood was on his hands. _That responsibility is nothing knew for you, is it knight-captain,_ came the monster inside him. Cullen didn’t realize his grip on the bars of Fiona’s cell had tightened extremely until he felt his knuckles twinge at the tension. He forced himself to let go, letting his fingers curl into his palms instead.

“What did this Elder One do?” His voice had drifted to a low, deadly tone and his lip ticked in a snarl.

“He brought a demon army...Thedas...it did not stand a chance. So many died...the Empress...assassinated...” Fiona rasped weakly.

“Maker’s breath! We have to get back.” Cullen paled. _Celene’s death? The whole country would implode from that! There would be chaos everywhere_.

“Exactly what this Elder One could use to his advantage,” Dorian agreed although he wasn’t aware he’d spoken out loud. “Our only hope is to find the amulet that Alexius used to send us here. If it still exists, I can use it to reopen the rift at the exact spot we left. Maybe.”

“Good,” Fiona whispered.

“I said maybe. It might also turn us into paste.”

“You must try...for the sake of Thedas...for all of our sake’s. This...cannot come to pass. Alexius must not succeed. Find the Herald...and fix what has happened.”

“On my honor, Alexius will pay for this,” Cullen bit out, his hand going to clench the hilt of his sword. The Magister was going to wish he’d never left the north once he got ahold of him.

“Wait...do not leave me here...please,” Fiona begged weakly and her voice went in and out as she spoke. “The lyrium...the longer you’re near it...eventually...you start to become this. Then they mine your corpse for more...you must end this.” He was taken aback by her request. It was clear the lyrium was consuming her in pieces. Already from the waist down she was a solid heap of glowing, red rock.

The pain must’ve been excruciating not to mention what the close exposure was doing to her mind; it was probably ravaging it just like it ravaged her physical person. But that didn’t mean he would be able to make himself kill her. Just the mere thought of taking her life stayed his hand.

“Fiona there has to be—“

“There is no other way...do it...I beg you...I do not want to be used by Alexius any longer...” Fiona brought her eyes to fix on Cullen’s and a single tear slipped from one to dip into the exaggerated hollows of her face. He looked to Dorian for guidance but the Mage only shook his head.

“I imagine we would want the same in her position.”

Cullen sighed knowing he was right. To become the fuel for a poison that would go on to infect others, it was unthinkable. And to be a prisoner to someone else’s twisted agenda, there was nothing lower. His feet dragged as he worked to open Fiona’s cell. The steel was rusted around the latch of the door and it grated as he pulled it towards him.

He found there was really nowhere to position himself next to her; the lyrium grew over almost every available surface. Only a few spots of stone floor were visible and he had to twist and turn to step exactly in them.

Being this close to the lyrium was making him dizzy and he kept getting distracted by the different shades of red contained within the nodes. The crimson tone of blood swirled and melded with the deep vermilion characteristic of flames around the edges. Deep at the core was a ruby shade that seemed to pulse with a life of its own. It was transfixing to look at and Cullen fancied he could drown in its encompassing color.

And then it would devour him whole as it was currently devouring Fiona. The thought was sobering and allowed him to regain his focus. He stood behind the Grand Enchanter, her back presented to him. Her robe was filled with holes and tears; a particularly wide expanse of cloth was missing from over her spine and he could see the vertebrae pressing vividly against her flesh.

Her shoulders shuddered as a shiver wracked her wasted frame. A wave of sympathy washed over him and he couldn’t help placing a hand gently between her shoulder blades while his other hand reached downward.

“Grand Enchanter...I’m—I’m sorry for what happened. I promise, none of this will come to pass.” And with a swift motion he brought his dagger from his boot up and into Fiona’s back, slipping it expertly under her ribs. The blade slid into spot smoothly and she gave a shuddering sob, her body seizing.

“Thank you...” she whispered and then she laid still, her eyes drifting shut. Cullen remained in place for a couple seconds more, his left hand still resting on Fiona and his right holding his dagger. All at once he felt utterly drained. His muscles were rife with fatigue and his knees threatened to give out.

The unending levels of destruction confronting him at every turn were taking their toll; having to kill Fiona felt like the last straw. He withdrew his weapon briskly averting his eyes so he wouldn’t have to watch the jet of blood that would follow the dagger’s exit.

The blade was wiped clean and returned to his boot methodically. He kept his eyes on the ground as he picked his way from the cell and past Dorian feeling as hollow as he supposed a man could feel.

+++++++

An hour later they’d wound their way to the guard barracks and explored every adjoining room. He was very disconcerted with the lack of people they were finding; Blackwall couldn’t have been a one off fluke and neither could Fiona. But it seemed as if Alexius had done away with his enemies, Inquisition or otherwise, for there were no traces of anyone. Nor were there any clues as to where the Herald could be.

He and Dorian rifled impatiently through various documents in the barracks looking for a hint to go off of, but aside from bleak reports on the hellish existence Redcliffe had become, they were no closer to their goal than before. The emptying of a desk turned up a key, however, and they were soon ascending stairs to an upstairs hallway that stank of fear, sweat, and death.

“Maker, what is this?” Cullen gagged as he turned his face aside, trying to bury his nose in the fur mantle around his shoulders.

“I don’t know. But if I had to take a guess, we’re either in another dungeon or the place Alexius reserves for those he truly hates. And judging from that,” Dorian inclined his head at a large pool of blood about five feet away, “I’d say it’s the latter.”

Cullen’s stomach clenched violently and he ground his teeth against the wave of nausea that rolled over him. Holding his breath he started down the hallway, noting with weary irritation the red lyrium grew strongly here as well. _If just one place in this damned, blasted castle could be free of the blighted stuff_. Something crunched underfoot and when he pulled back to look down he discovered he’d crushed part of a human ribcage.

“Watch where you step,” he warned lowly. The stench in the air grew worse the farther down the hallway they drew. Dorian stopped twice to retch violently in a corner and Cullen swallowed more than one mouthful of his stomach contents trying to regurgitate.

He tried first breathing through his mouth but stopped when he convinced himself he could taste the foulness on his tongue. That left him resorting to holding his breath and inhaling quickly when he ran out of air. Dorian adopted a similar tactic and indeed they resembled drowning men coming up for desperate mouthfuls of oxygen before delving beneath the waters once more.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” Dorian said haltingly, covering his nose and mouth with a hand.

“I’m not either. Let’s just...get out of her quickly.” Cullen double-timed his steps and the Mage was right behind him. They weren’t searching for anything less than a clear exit, blatantly ignoring the many doors that greeted them on either side.

“There!” Dorian’s finger pointed ahead at a single archway beyond which a metal drawbridge curved out of sight. “That’s the way out.”

Their boots slapped against the floor as they half walked, half jogged, thinking of how relieving it would be to escape the fetid air surrounding them. Cullen could’ve reached out and touched the archway, he was that close, when a pained scream assaulted his ears and he skidded to a halt. Dorian nearly collided into him but kept his footing at the last second, balancing precariously on his toes.

“Creators, what was that?”

Cullen whirled and returned the way they had come, eyes darting from side to side. The scream came again almost immediately to his left, cut off abruptly by a loud slap, and he shouldered through the nearest door without hesitation. He was not prepared for the sight that awaited. In the middle of the torture chamber sat a long table, cracked in various places but still standing.

Laid across its top was a rawhide mat, stained with blood. He swallowed dryly as he noted that there were far more fresh stains than old. Splayed out like a sick sort of trophy display were cruel looking instruments twisted and molded into iron shapes. A pair of long-handled forceps still had what looked to be hair and skin matted on the ends.

A leather collar with two opposed bi-pronged forks attached to it rested casually, the prongs colored a rusted maroon. Cullen’s gaze landed on a lead sprinkler, tar still dripping lively from the holes in the head and he shuddered involuntarily.

Splashes of blood covered the stone floor and parts of the walls. A hearth occupied one corner of the room, its crackling fire giving the space a sinister glow. Next to it sat a rack, mercifully empty for the moment, and beside it was an iron maiden, the spikes of its interior ready to impale the flesh of its next victim. There were more devices of torture but he didn’t have time to get to them all for what commanded his attention was the Herald, beaten and bloody, but clearly alive.

Her arms were bent behind her, thick chains connecting the cuffs about her wrists to the wall. She was kneeling almost completely nude, wearing only her breast band and smalls. Her skin was decorated with grime and deep, gratuitous cuts, the worst of the bunch ripping diagonally across her stomach. A Venatori cultist stalked back and forth before her, his hand curled around the handle of a cat o nine tails, the knotted thongs swinging as he walked.

“The Herald of Andraste, so we meet again,” he sneered. “I remember when you first came to me, stubborn and determined. Do you recall how we broke that streak?”

Cullen’s jaw clenched angrily and he longed to lunge forward and bury his sword deep within the cultist. But he was rooted to the spot, held in horrified fascination as the torturer spun his twisted tale of Shai’s time within Redcliffe.

“I’m surprised your lungs haven’t failed you yet. I thought the very castle walls would come down from your screams! How about a little more of that music, hmm? Just a little something for me...” The Venatori raised his hand, the thongs of his whip dangling wickedly. Cullen felt something snap and his vision clouded to red. One minute he was standing just inside the doorway and the next he’d pinned the cultist to the wall, his blade driven forcefully through the other man’s chest.

The Venatori choked behind his mask and Cullen heard the faint splatter of blood against the ornamentation. He leaned closer, wedging his sword further, the steel grinding against gristle and bone. He wanted to ram the entire hilt through the cultist's body suddenly. He wanted to tear the man limb from limb. It was a blind rage that fell over him abruptly, a black one full of hate and thirsting for revenge in Shai's name.

And he didn't understand a bit of it, couldn't understand a bit of it because it was so primal he wanted to sit back and let it take the reins. Its teeth were sharp and they were gnashing against themselves. Its eyes were narrow slits, beaming the same ruby color of the lyrium. And its blood was boiling hotter and hotter with every second—

“Stop! Enough amatus, he’s dead!”

Cullen slowly came back his senses, seeing Dorian had somehow wedged between himself and the cultist. He looked at the Venatori’s chest and realized he had indeed almost rammed his entire weapon through it, the hilt quivering still from the force of his thrust.

His right glove was caked in blood and the ruby liquid was spattered against his cuirass and face though he made no move to clean himself. Dorian was watching him carefully, his hands braced on Cullen’s shoulders lest he need to restrain him further.

“Are you alright?” The Mage asked, his grey eyes questioning. Cullen blinked rapidly and fell backwards a step. The Venatori’s dead body flopped forward no longer pinned to the wall. It fell on the brunt of Cullen’s sword and slid gruesomely a couple inches down the blade with a nauseating squelch.

“Cullen?” He whirled around at Shai’s voice. She’d struggled partway to her feet freezing in a low crouch, her arms still withheld behind her by the chains. Now that her face was upturned where before it was lolling downwards, Cullen could see the full extent of what the torture chamber had wrought. Her left eye was covered by a massive bruise and almost swelled completely shut. Blood was crusted beneath her nose and covered her upper lip. Her lower one was swollen and split in the middle, the physical result of the slap he’d heard from the hallway.

"You...how is this possible... I watched you disappear...you died..." Shai whispered in confusion, a deep furrow of consternation etched between her brows. He crossed to where she was restrained with quick strides, dropping to a knee. Cullen’s chest squeezed as she flinched away from him, a reflex no doubt born from her constant torment.

“It’s a long story...” he began.

“Particularly convoluted as well, I’m afraid.” Dorian rifled through the pockets of the dead Venatori, coming up triumphantly with a single key. “Alexius didn’t kill us, he sent us into the future. None of this was supposed to happen. His Elder One coming, your Inquisition falling, its all a mistake. 

“A mistake,” Shai’s voice dropped lowly and Cullen could hear the pain etched into it. “Of course this is just a mistake to you. You didn’t see what happened, you didn’t live it.” Her chin wobbled and her good eye blinked away the moisture gathering in it. “You saw the dungeons...you saw them, right?”

Both Cullen and Dorian nodded.

“Alexius threw me in there. He kept me there for Maker knows how long with only rats for company. And then he brought me up here and they chained me like some...some...some animal. The Inquisition fell, is what Alexius said, his Elder One came with a demon army and wiped them off the face of Thedas. They tried to take the castle, to...to rescue me I think. I could hear bits and pieces of the fighting at times. Everyone I knew...everyone we knew,” her voice cracked as she looked Cullen dead in the eyes, fiery pale green meeting mournful amber. “They’re all gone, every last one. They brought them in here. Tortured them and made me watch. First Cassandra, then Sera, then...Rhys and...and all the rest. I couldn’t tell Alexius about what happened at the Temple...that’s what he wanted to know the most, in the end. He kept saying his Elder One demanded it but you can’t make up memories you don’t have...” Shai gulped down air, her chest heaving with the emotion behind her tale.

“I tried to give him something but he didn’t believe me. After a while he gave up, told his Venatori they could do whatever they wanted...so they kept me as their... _plaything._ ” She spit the word, making it sound as dirty as it was. Her teeth were bared in a snarl and her gaze was murderous, the thought of revenge, the craving for it, lighting her from the inside out. “I. Want. Alexius. Dead.” Shai said, her shoulders shaking with building fury. “He’s here and I want him dead. For the Inquisition, for Thedas, for everyone who had to suffer.”

Cullen nodded gravely. His chest felt tight with the newfound knowledge. He and Dorian could only imagine how badly things had been in the year they were gone but Shai and Fiona...and Blackwall...and everyone else from the Inquisition who was no more, they had lived every second of it. He felt a deep well of sorrow open inside him thinking of the familiar faces that had met an excruciating end at the hands of Alexius.

Dead he would be when they found him, and pay for the misery he’d caused the Magister surely would. This Cullen swore on the Maker as Dorian unlocked the cuffs around Shai’s wrists and both men helped her to her feet. She swayed weakly, stumbling awkwardly to the side but her legs stayed under her and at last she was solidly standing, her mouth set in a determined line.

Bruised, battered, and for all intents and purposes, broken she appeared, but there was life yet within her and it burned as hotly and dangerously as the brightest fire. Cullen couldn’t help but admire the resolute perseverance on display before him.

He knew few could muster enough will to rise from the ashes when their world had literally gone to hell around them but Shai was readying to face down her enemies, the mantle of Herald around her shoulders once more, the last hope for Thedas and all those who called the land their home.

 +++++++++

“I’m getting slaughtered over here!”

Cullen sliced through a wraith blocking his path and covered Dorian’s flank, cutting down a shade that had been about to rip into the Mage’s back. Each covered the other’s weak spot and they turned seamlessly together to meet each new attack, almost as if their steps were choreographed. He heard the detonation of a fire rune and glanced to where Shai was viciously holding her ground against a surge of demons.

She’d recovered a spare staff and set of armor after they’d liberated her from Redcliffe’s torture room and had quickly assumed leading their small rag tag band of survivors through the castle. The ever-present groups of Venatori had given way to rifts and Cullen wasn’t entirely sure which he liked less.

“Is that all you’ve got!” Shia angrily challenged, her staff sweeping in wide circles as she cast spell after spell. Demons fell before the ferocity of her fighting and before long she was throwing up her hand letting the mark on her palm surge to life and seal the green mess in the sky. Although little good it did to close one rift when another would just appear a short time later.

As they’d entered the courtyard before the great hall in which they now stood, they’d each gotten a good look at the extent of Alexius’s damage. The Fade was everywhere turning the sky a sickly chartreuse shade. It had made them all swear profusely, Shai most of all as she looked at her mark that was rendered powerless against such wanton chaos.

Frankly Cullen had been surprised, as crass as it sounded, that she was still in possession of her left hand. He remembered Alexius talking about the mark, saying it was stolen and a gift she would never understand so why hadn’t he taken it? Dorian had voiced the question as tactfully as possible, though to Cullen’s ears it still sounded far too impolite. Shai had shrugged and said she guessed Alexius speculated it would become powerless if he removed it, though who could really be sure what went on in the Magister’s mind?

“Right, anyone hurt?” Dorian asked and both his companions shook their heads. “Perfect. I hate to assume things but that is most likely the throne room up ahead and I can’t think of a more perfect place to find Alexius.”

They made their way forward in the great hall to a small set of stairs, coming to stare up at a massive set of doors.

“Maker’s breath! Where did Alexius find this? How did he even move it here?” Dorian exclaimed as he placed both hands on the stone panels, his fingers moving over the different grooves etched into them.

“Can we open it?” Shai asked moving to do her own inspection. She traced what appeared to be a circular lock with five smaller holes indenting it.

“Perhaps but it looks quite strong. How desperate and paranoid must he be?”

“Is that really a question?” Cullen asked flatly and the Mage’s mouth contorted into a grimace.

“Point taken. This doesn’t look like any normal key will open it though.”

“Shards of some sort maybe?” Shai guessed and as Cullen stood between them, he could see where the dimensions of the lock would be a perfect fit for her suggestion.

“Could be, but of what, a shattered key? Some sort of arcane object?”

“Lyrium,” Cullen said certainly and Shai looked at him sharply.

“How do you know that?”

“I—I don’t—I just thought...maybe...” his voice trailed off because he really didn’t have an explanation for the solution he’d provided, only that his gut instinct told him he was on the right path. 

“Hmmm...well, its worth a shot since we can’t think of anything else. Let’s look around, see if we can find any shards of it.” Dorian fiddled with the ends of his mustache, twirling the hair around his finger, pondering. They wandered out of the great hall, proceeding through room after room.

More often than not they encountered rogue groups of Venatori, some replete with marksmen and spellbinders. After searching the pockets of the latter in the third party they encountered, Shai triumphantly held up a shard of red lyrium. Her discovery confirmed Cullen’s conjecture and they quickly backtracked to the first two spellbinders they’d slain and searched their robes as well.

“Got one!” Cullen’s fingers closed around another shard and he deposited it safely within his pockets. Five minutes later Dorian crowed a victory and added his finding to the pile, taking their total to three.

“The door had five slots,” Shai ascertained. “Lets go get the last two fuckers.”

Truer words were never spoken, in Cullen’s opinion, for taking out the remaining spellbinders was especially brutal. The Venatori fought tooth and nail against them, refusing to pull any punches. More than once he was knocked to the ground and nearly received a sword to the head. Dorian and Shai had both saved him in the knick of time and he’d repaid the favor when too many advancing enemies had driven them into a corner. Sweating, panting, and covered in blood that wasn’t entirely their own, they at last stood around the body of the last spellbinder. Dorian knelt and within seconds had located the last shard of lyrium.

“Ready or not Alexius,” Shai said a cold, steel edge to her voice. Cullen felt his slowing adrenaline rise, and his heart pounded a little faster in his chest. This was it, they were finally going to put things right...or die trying. There was no telling what the Magister had become in the year he’d been absent, nor what reinforcements he would have standing guard.

If Alexius was as paranoid as the door to the throne room suggested then anything was possible. He hoped they were all up to the fight, well mostly him and Dorian. Shai would probably resort to tearing Alexius limb from limb with her bare hands. She’d been fighting incredibly well for someone who’d spent months in chains at the mercy of her captors.

Plus she was virtually blind on her left side, an extreme disadvantage when facing off against the amount of opponents within Redcliffe. But somehow she’d escaped unscathed, only a few more cuts and bruises to add to her current collection. Since finding her he’d been itching to ask more of the year he and Dorian had missed. But he’d bit his tongue constantly to keep his words out of existence.

He knew from experience the last thing anyone who’d experienced the darkest hours of their life wanted to do was rehash the minute details. But it gnawed at him not knowing the full extent of what the Elder One had done and to a greater degree he was preoccupied with the fates of those from the Inquisition.

Had Alexius killed them after torturing them or were they somewhere else in Redcliffe entirely, wasting away day after day? A hand landed lightly on his arm, breaking his stream of thoughts, and he looked down into Shai’s injured face.

“They’re gone Cullen...trust me...they’re not here.” He stared at her blankly a little spooked she’d been able to read his mind so effortlessly.

“You’re talking to yourself,” she explained and he uttered a soft “ah.” Shai gave his arm a squeeze before her touch slipped away and the gesture surprised him. It was supposed to be comforting, and it was, but it wasn’t the sort of thing he’d ever expected her to do to him.

They were on two polar ends of a spectrum but then he remembered this wasn’t the present in which they stood; a familiar face to her that wasn’t being tortured to death before her eyes was automatically a friend in this future.

“We should uh get this door open,” Cullen mumbled, reaching to rub the back of his neck. They returned with haste to the great hall, each emptying the shards in their possession into Dorian’s outstretched palm.

“One...three...five, good they’re all there.” He looked to Cullen and Shai, his face serious. “There won’t be an easy way around this I’m afraid. He’ll make this as hard as he can...unfortunately.”

“I welcome the challenge,” Shai grinned but it was devoid of any warmth. She bounced her staff lightly in her hands, twirling it expertly through her fingers.

“Well then...no time like the present!” Dorian chirped although he looked anything but cheerful. He carefully inserted each shard of lyrium in the door, stepping away when the fifth was at last in place. The shards flashed green in turn until all were glowing as well as the lock.

“Would you look at that? Marvelous guess Commander,” Dorian praised but his voice was curiously flat and Cullen derived no joy from the compliment. His gut was twisting in anticipation and beneath his leather gloves his palms were slick with perspiration. The throne room doors swung inward and open of their own accord, grating loudly against the floor.

“Oh...” Shai whimpered softly and Cullen knew he’d gone pale. The first thing greeting them was a row of iron pikes, driven with exhilarating force into the ground. On each rested a severed head, some with the eyes still open and some with them closed, but all were the faces of the Inquisition; each of the Herald’s companions was present except for Solas, and Cullen supposed the elf had stolen away while he still could.

 _Coward_ , he thought bitterly. But then again, the elf had never made much of a promise to stay. Beside him Shai choked and he turned to her. She was shaking as she stared at all that was left of her friends, practically vibrating with either sadness or anger, he couldn’t tell.

“Herald...” he intended to lay his hand upon her arm as she had done for him earlier but before he could, she was gone. It took him a moment to realize she’d fade stepped past the row of pikes and was rushing towards Alexius.

“Fuck!” Cullen growled. Weapons drawn he ran after her, Dorian right beside him. As they came upon the stretch of floor that led to the raised dais, he could see Alexius standing with his back to them. A dim fire burned in the hearth before the Magister, barely producing enough light to be useful. Shai had stopped at the foot of the dais, her posture one of an animal about to pounce.

“You bastard!” She snarled lowly, her voice trembling. “You _fucking_ bastard, you’re going to pay for this.” Cullen was surprised at how hateful she sounded. Then he remembered the mounted heads of the Inquisition just behind them, the feel of his dagger sliding into Fiona, Blackwall’s bloated corpse, Shai’s torture at the Magister’s command, the death of Thedas, and his own anger coiled low in his belly, burning hot and explosive.  

Alexius said nothing to her accusations; it was as if he were unaware of her presence entirely. Cullen vaguely realized there was a second person beside the Magister, a pale being curled in on itself, crouched low to the floor. It looked to be human but he couldn’t be sure, such was the wretched appearance of it.

“Was it worth it? Everything you did to the world, to yourself?” Dorian asked softly, stepping towards his old mentor. “This...this ruin of a place. It can’t possibly be what you wanted.”

“What I wanted does not matter now,” Alexius spoke emotionlessly, his tone of voice hopeless. “I knew you would appear again, not that it would be now, but I knew I hadn’t destroyed you...my final failure. All we can do is wait for the end.”

His words sent a chill down Cullen’s spine and he involuntarily took a step closer.  

“What do you mean the end? The end of what?”

“That you should arrive now of all times,” Alexius chuckled drily. “Ruin and death, there is nothing else left to this world only the consequences of what I have wrought. The Elder One comes for me, for you, for us all.”

“Maybe for you, but I personally won’t let him take me until I get to see you suffer the way you made me suffer,” Shai hissed. Then she was gone again, closing the distance between herself and Alexius. Only she wasn’t aimed for the Magister. She reappeared again behind the creature crouched on the dais and with a yank tugged it to its feet.

“Felix!”

_Felix? Impossible! That...that...thing looks barely alive!_

“That’s Felix?! Maker’s breath Alexius what have you done!” Dorian demanded, his eyes flashing at the fate of his old friend.

“He would’ve died Dorian. I saved him. Please, don’t hurt my son, I’ll do anything you ask.”

“This is Felix?” Shai asked in disbelief. She looked from the boy to his father, her good eye wide in shock. Cullen himself was speechless at the drastic transformation. Granted the Magister’s son had not been healthy when they’d met but he at least hadn’t looked like a corpse rose from the dead. _Maker, It would almost be a mercy if Shai were to kill him outright!_

“Please...release him,” Alexius begged with an out stretched hand, clearly afraid to move any closer lest he cause the death of his own child.

“And what? You’ll reverse time? Make sure none of this ever happens?” Shai laughed, a hint of hysteria contorting the sound. “Did you show mercy to those who begged _you_ for _their_ lives? What about my friends?! Did you listen to their cries for mercy?! Your amulet Alexius,” she requested with a quick nod. “We need it to stop this from ever coming true. Hand it over and I’ll release him.”

“Let him go and I swear you’ll get what you want.”

“Just give us the amulet and Felix goes free,” Dorian bargained his gaze boring into Alexius. The Magister looked helplessly at his son, his eyebrows drawing together.

“Is this what you want?” He grated and Cullen readied his sword. “Is this how it shall end? So be it!”

A flash of magic released from the end of Alexius’s staff headed directly for Shai’s head where it was visible over Felix’s shoulder. With a cry she wrenched his body in front of hers and the spell struck him squarely. He crumpled to the floor bringing her down with his dead weight.

“No..no! Felix!” A blast of energy filled the room throwing Cullen backwards. He landed hard and skidded a few feet, his head ringing from the blow. As he struggled up, he saw Dorian slumped unconscious against a pillar, the Mage’s chin resting against his chest. Shai was on all fours doing her best to stand but Alexius was advancing on her, electricity crackling at the end of his staff.

“You! You are a mistake! I will wipe you from the face of the earth!” He conjured a bolt of lightning and she rolled to the side at the last second, nearly missing being reduced to a pile of ash. Her feet came under her then and she half hobbled half ran to put some distance between them. But Alexius was moving steadily, throwing spell after spell her way.

Shai was dodging left and right but a jet of fire caught her across the arm and she went down with a shout, her sleeve smoking around her bicep. Instantly Cullen was standing over her, his shield lowered to protect from a killing blow. The Magister’s lips pulled back from his teeth and he brought his staff over his head with both hands.

“Hessarian took blade to hand and himself, dared the fire that consumed the Prophet. With one swift strike he pierced her heart!”

“Move!” Cullen shouted and nudged Shai roughly with his leg. She scrambled up, nearly lost her balance, regained it and made for the other side of the throne room. He was right behind her, turning every couple seconds to block an incoming attack.

“Come back and face me Herald!” Alexius’s face was contorted into a mask of rage and pain. A massive ball of flames went screaming past Cullen and smashed into the wall. His shield knocked into his nose as he deflected the particularly forceful barrage of lightning that came next and he grunted in pain, his eyes watering.

“Face me!” The Magister bellowed. The hand that wasn’t holding his staff was curled into a claw, the fingers of it hooked rigidly. “I want to watch the life leave you! I will not stop until your blood has been spilled!”

 _He’s gone bloody mad!_ Cullen dove behind a pillar, tucking himself against its width. He couldn’t see Shai anymore and only hoped she was doing the same or at least staying out of Alexius’s sights; he wouldn’t be surprised if the man brought all of Redcliffe down on their heads in retaliation.

“Where are you Herald?! Hiding like the coward you are? You should never have existed, the Elder One will smite you from existence!”

“Alexius!” Shai’s voice sounded loud and clear and Cullen peered from around his place of cover to see her standing on the steps of the dais, staff in hand, feet planted solidly. Not a tremble wracked her body and her face was set in determination.

The Magister’s ranting ceased and he stepped out from where he’d been searching, his eyes cold and calculating. Cullen spied Dorian where he still reclined against a nearby pillar and keeping low made for the Mage, sliding onto the ground next to him.

“Dorian,” he whispered harshly shaking the man’s shoulder. “Dorian get up!”

 Parallel to them Alexius and Shai stood breathing heavily no more than ten feet from each other, their gazes locked.

“Going to kill me Alexius?” she asked calmly, her mouth turning up at the corner. “Still trying to rectify what happened at the Temple, or is this just personal now?”

“You killed my son,” he growled through clenched teeth though his voice broke on the last word.

“You killed a whole world.”

“You think I care? Do you truly think that matters to me now? The Elder One is coming and I have failed him, soon there won’t even be this world. But he will _not_ deny me the satisfaction of taking your life.”

“Your move then.” Shai dropped her staff at her feet and Cullen’s mouth popped open, emitting a strangled noise. _Was she crazy?!_ Alexius smiled wickedly, his face deranged as he conjured a fireball.

“Discessum est dulcis luctus, Herald. Do give my regards to your friends, they were such lovely subjects.” The Magister let loose his magic with a guttural yell, the flames blinding in their intensity. In the blink of an eye Shai dropped, rolled, and retrieved her staff in one uninterrupted motion.

She sent a bolt of lightning arcing into Alexius’s chest and he staggered under the blow a hand going to clutch spastically at his heart. His face was marred with confusion and he stumbled sideways his knees giving out all of a sudden.

As he went down he uttered a single name: Felix. Then he plummeted forward coming to rest face first on the floor, a plume of smoke wafting upwards from his body.

“Mhemph wha—what’s going on?”

Cullen’s head snapped back to Dorian who was now blessedly waking up, his eyes unfocused and foggy.

“You were unconscious, take it easy.”

“Alexius...” the Mage frowned and brought a hand to the back of his head.

“Is dead,” Shai completed coming to kneel next to them. Sweat streaked her face and she was pale underneath her normal nut brown pallor. Cullen’s nose wrinkled involuntarily at the smell of charred flesh and he could see the skin of her arm was singed from Alexius’s spell. It was already beginning to blister in large, painful looking boils but Shai paid it no mind.

“Are you hurt?” She asked Dorian resting a hand on his leg. He shook his head infinitesimally then winced.

“I stand corrected,” he muttered. With support on both sides he was able to stand, leaning on his staff for balance once Shai and Cullen let go. He limped away from them over to the Magister’s body and with a bit of difficulty eased himself down on one knee.

“He wanted to die didn’t he? All those lies he told himself, the justifications. He lost Felix long ago...didn’t even notice,” Dorian pulled himself up with his staff, his eyes never leaving his mentor’s prone form. “Oh Alexius...” His shoulders slumped and his eyes closed briefly. Cullen was silent as the Mage grieved and Shai exhaled quietly beside him.

“I’m sorry Dorian,” she said softly. Cullen wasn’t sure her condolence had even been heard but Dorian turned to them, a small, sad smile gracing his lips.

“So it ends,” he mused. “Vitae benefaria to the man he once was...in any case this is the same amulet he used before. I think it’s the same one we made in Minrathous...that’s a relief. Give me an hour to work out the spell he used and I should be able to reopen the rift.”

“An hour? We aren’t safe here!” Cullen blurted. “You heard Alexius, his Elder One is coming we have to leave.”

“Magic is a delicate, touch and go subject especially this kind. Do you want me to miscalculate and turn us both into paste?”

“Or we could just wait and let the Elder One save you the trouble.”

“You know you’re oddly ungrateful for a man who I’ve personally been protecting this entire time,” Dorian fired back. Cullen sputtered as he flailed for a decent response.

“Protecting me indeed!” Was what he settled on, emphasizing his words with an undignified snort. The Mage rolled his eyes and turned away.

“An hour Commander, unless you know someone else we can hitch a ride back to the present with? No? Thought so.” With that he set about examining the amulet and Shai sniggered, the first genuine sound of humor Cullen had heard from her the entire time.

“Something amusing Herald?”

“Nothing at all Commander.”

He couldn’t help the small smile that crept over his face; it was a moment of normality in such an upside down world. An ear splitting shriek suddenly echoed in the room and the walls shook with a massive force that caused blocks of stone from the ceiling to come crashing down.

“Look out!” He and Shai both leapt backwards as one slammed into the space between them, spraying shards of stone in all directions.

“Fasta vass, that doesn’t sound good!”

The blue flames that flickered in various braziers about the room danced wildly and a few extinguished themselves.

“We need to go, now!” Cullen looked at the doors to the throne room expecting them to come bursting in at any second. Apparently Alexius’s Elder One had finally arrived.

“Dorian, work fast. I'll keep them off you for as long as I can.” Shai held her staff diagonally in front of her body, her grip firm on the rod. It took Cullen a second to realize she meant to defend against whatever was coming on her own.

“No!” He barked coming to stand in front of her. “That’s suicide! You can’t possibly hold them all.”

“Watch me,” Shai grinned but he saw awareness deep in her good eye; she didn’t expect to survive.

“There has to be another way—“

“There is none, its too late. If you don’t go all of this...Alexius, his Elder One’s demon army, the destruction of Thedas...it’ll all happen.” She swung her arm out to encompass the entirety of the room. “I’ve already died...I died with every member of the Inquisition. There is nothing left for me.”

He knew it was true but his chest still felt tight at her words, at how willing she was to sacrifice herself. _Stupid bravery...stupid, headstrong, stubborn bravery...._ But he couldn’t fault her for it and he knew the point was moot; she would stand as their only line of defense, regardless of whether he argued it with her down to the last second.

“Cast your spell Dorian, and get ready,” Shai said with a nod.

“Bona fortuna,” The Mage said and she gave him a brief smile though Cullen noticed her chin was shaking now, just barely.

“You have as much time as I can give. Make it count.”

Cullen wanted to say something well wishing, something thoughtful at the very least but his mouth was dry and he was drawing a continuous blank. The wheels of his mind were frozen, bogged down in a swamp of thought. Shai retreated away slowly before turning and walking to the throne room doors.

Cullen watched her staff glow and the etchings of a rune flare brightly as it was inscribed on the ground. A crackling of magic brought his attention around to Dorian who was coaxing the amulet into the air. It twisted around in a ball of green energy, growing brighter by the second.

“Let’s hope this works,” Dorian muttered, his grey eyes keenly watching the amulet’s every move. The doors shuddered and Cullen’s head jerked up. A cloud of dust and a few pebbles fell from the top of them. Shai was balanced on the balls of her feet, looking disproportionately small compared to the door’s massiveness. He saw her roll her shoulders once, twice in preparation and then she froze.

The constant sounds that had been coming from outside the throne room ceased. Cullen’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. _Something isn’t right..._ The doors burst open suddenly and he jumped. Through the opening came a hulking terror, curved horns protruding from its head. Flanking the demon were more Venatori. The first few cultists stalked over Shai’s rune and were launched into the air.

She wasted no time in throwing up a static cage to hold back the rest. Suddenly a wall of flames popped up in front of her, providing a temporary blockade. She retreated a good ten feet behind it, conjuring another rune on the ground. The terror plunged on ahead undeterred by the fire licking at its legs and climbing its body though the Venatori scattered with panicked yells.

Shai was running out of room to distance herself with; in another couple feet she’d be climbing the dais stairs to where they were. Cullen unsheathed his sword and prepared to charge to her aid but Dorian grabbed his arm at the last minute and yanked him backwards.

“You move and we all die!”

He watched helplessly as Shai fade stepped far to the left and cast a few barrages of lightning at the terror. It shrieked in anger and he winced at the shrill sound. It stalked towards her in giant steps, arms swinging wildly in front as it sought to close its claws around Shai’s body. She evaded nimbly but she was tiring and Cullen could tell her movements were growing more sluggish. Her injuries were catching up to her and he saw that the arm Alexius had burned wasn’t even movable anymore.

“We have to help!” He cried though his feet stayed rooted to the spot, mindful of Dorian’s warning. He felt a whoosh of air and a familiar tugging sensation; the swirling vortex that had deposited them in the future Redcliffe opened once more, its black mouth yawning wide waiting to swallow them.

Shai’s cry of pain drew his gaze and he saw she was hobbling backwards, flinging spells frantically in her wake to give herself time to recover. An arrow protruded from her left shoulder and blood was streaming freely from the wound.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as she continued retreating, her mouth twisted in a grimace of concentration as she sent two more Venatori crumpling to the ground. For a second it looked as if she’d make it; only five enemies were left including the terror. And then she tripped, her boot heel catching on something he couldn’t see clearly. She went down hard, her staff skittering away from her grasping hand.

“Shai!” It was the first time he’d ever said her name that he could remember and it ripped its way from his throat, his voice raw with emotion. He thought he saw—but he wasn’t sure—her head swivel in his direction for however brief a moment. Then a cultist was wrapping an arm around her neck and dragging her up. She kicked and twisted but the Venatori held firm, squeezing her into submission.

The terror came to a halt in front of her, its arm drawing back before shooting forward and burying its claws within Shai’s chest. She surged forward, her mouth open in a silent “O.” Blood frothed at the corners of her lips and spilled over, running in jagged patterns down her chin.

Cullen’s face froze in shock and he could’ve sworn his heart stopped its beating. A dull ringing filled his ears, drowning out every other sound. Someone was pulling on him and he went with it, his feet scuffing the ground as he shuffled backwards. Then something stronger was taking ahold of his limbs and he started to get tunnel vision as the rift encompassed him, his periphery turning the black inside of time. The last thing he saw as the future Redcliffe fell away was Shai’s lifeless face, her good eye staring blankly ahead, the spark behind the pale green of it extinguished forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did want to originally make Alistair a bigger part but I haven't played any other dragon age games and didn't want to mess him up. Excuse my crappy latin, been awhile since I've taken it, but basically Alexius says "parting is such sweet sorrow" (though probably not accurate with my translation) and Dorian says "good luck" if bona fortuna was hard to figure out ;p


	10. After Dusk

Shai raised her fist, hesitating for a few seconds before letting it fall against the wood of Cullen's door. Her knock echoed down Redcliffe's upper hallway, loud against the quiet of the night. The Commander and Dorian had magically reappeared about an hour ago just as the clocks struck midnight, entering the throne room out of thin air with a loud burst of noise and a blast of light.

They'd been adamant about not having to rehash what had happened exactly at that moment, instead both had rapidly departed to their own quarters beyond exhausted. An Inquisition agent had woken Shai in her chambers with the news and she'd spent a solid thirty minutes pacing her floor debating whether she dared to find Cullen now or wait until morning. Decidedly she was far too impatient and curious to delay her questioning so she'd slipped down the back stairs and wound up outside his quarters. 

Her knock received no response or indication it had been acknowledged from within the Commander's room and she briefly reconsidered her plan. Then she thought of the time she'd definitely spend twisting and turning with burning curiosity until dawn crept through her window and decided to hell with it. Her hand was on the knob within the next second, turning it as quietly as possible.

The door swung inward to reveal nearly pitch black quarters, the only light a sliver of moonbeam streaming in from the open window, casting a silver glow across the room's contents. The temperature inside was freezing and Shai rubbed her hands up and down her arms roughly. Was he not cold? Unlike the bed she'd been provided, Cullen's was far less grand and more what you'd find in a local tavern, just big enough for one and maybe two people provided they slept intertwined.

A chest sat at the foot of it on which his armor and fur mantle rested. His boots were lined up neatly at its base and Shai raised an eyebrow in amusement; even experiencing extreme exhaustion he was still precise to a fault. A soft snore drew her gaze to where Cullen lay on his back, one arm thrown across his stomach and the other across his eyes.

His chest rose and fell rhythmically in sleep, completely devoid of shirt or blanket, the latter having come to rest around his hips. Quietly and carefully Shai picked her way towards the bed. She banged her shin painfully against some hard obstruction and bit her tongue to stay silent.

 _Andraste's fuckin' arsehole!_ Her eyes watered from the contact and she groaned mutedly as she hugged her shin, knowing there would be a wicked bruise there come morning. Hobbling awkwardly on one leg she reached Cullen and edged herself onto the bed next to him. 

"Commander? Hey..." She'd barely even begun to shake his shoulder when, faster than she could blink, her back was pressing into the mattress and a blade was at her throat. Cullen pinned her from above, his eyes glittering in the darkness as he stared down at her. She froze beneath the weight of his body unsure of how to proceed. She gulped uneasily trying to lean away from the dagger in his hand, but the steel edge still kissed her skin no matter how she moved. 

"Erm Commander? It's uh it's me, it's Shai." Her voice sounded strained to her ears and she realized her heart was actually beating quite rapidly. He blinked twice and she watched a dawning horror spread across his face. 

"Fuck." He swore and leveraged himself off her. When he saw she was still staring at the dagger he held he returned the weapon to its place beneath his pillow. _Not exactly comforting that he keeps it there_ , she thought. "Herald I'm--I'm sorry--Maker I didn't think it was you." 

"Who else would it be?" 

"No one," Cullen sighed sliding off the side of the bed to stand next to it. He wore only his breeches loosely laced and they hung low on his hips. She worked to keep her eyes off how daringly the waistband was drooping in the front or anything below his neck for that matter. 

"You sure seemed to be expecting someone dangerous." Shai sat up and rubbed her throat reflexively. She couldn't be sure but she thought she saw him blush and he clapped a hand to the back of his neck, staring at the ground in shame. 

"It's of no concern. I'm sorry for that. Truly if I had known it was you I--would have acted differently. Please...forgive me." 

"There's nothing to forgive. I uh I should be the one apologizing for sneaking in here and uh yeah..."she let her voice trail off realizing how embarrassing it sounded to put what she'd been doing into words. Creepy and uncomfortable was actually more like it.

A heavy silence stretched between them as they looked anywhere but directly at the other. Each cleared their throats numerously and Shai heard the rasp of skin against stone as Cullen shuffled his bare feet. 

"If you don't mind, what were you doing exactly?"

"Well I should probably go back to my room."

They spoke at once and gazed at each other wide eyed before cracking sheepish, faltering grins. It was extremely strange to her, the lack of the tension that normally swirled around them. It was...pleasant to not constantly be on edge sharing the same room. 

"I uh guess I'll see you in the morning then?" Cullen said questioningly. Shai nodded hurriedly and went to slide off the bed. She kept her head down as she slipped past Cullen and towards the door. She paused with her hand on the knob, curiosity still peaked and in unsatisfied. 

"What--well where did Alexius send you?" She blurted turning around. Cullen's face was indiscernible without the benefit of light but she heard him exhale heavily. 

"It's a long story and you might not want to hear it--"

"I have time," she interrupted. Cullen smiled though it looked forced. 

"As you wish." He sat on the edge of the bed leaning forward to brace his elbows on his thighs and clasp his hands between his legs. Shai took that as her cue to drag the only chair in the room across from him and fold into it. She settled herself with her legs drawn up resting her cheek on her knee. 

"Truthfully I don't know where to begin," he said with a humorless chuckle. "Alexius, as Dorian explained it, moved us through time. That...vortex he opened in the throne room was actually a rift. It transported us, somehow, a year into the future but a future where the Inquisition no longer existed. His Elder One he spoke of had conquered Thedas with a demon army." 

Shai flinched at his words but said nothing and allowed him to continue. 

"The Empress was assassinated and the whole world was just...destroyed." 

"That's impossible," she breathed her mind spinning. 

"I wish it was. But I saw it as clearly as I see you before me now." 

"You said the Inquisition didn't exist. What happened to it?" 

"We never returned from here," he explained softly. "More importantly _you_ didn't return. Without you there was no mark and no way of closing the rifts. The Elder One came and the Inquisition couldn't stand against him without its Herald." 

"Why didn't I come back?" She whispered but dreaded knowing the answer. Cullen was silent for too long his eyes fixed on the floor. Finally he raised them to her and in their depths was the look of a man who'd been put through too much too quickly. 

"Alexius imprisoned you. He...tortured you for information about the Temple. Dorian and I found you alive but..." 

"But what?" Shai pressed, unconsciously leaning forward letting her legs drop to the ground and mirroring how Cullen sat. 

"You died." 

She felt rocked with a bolt of surprise, the hair on her arms standing up. 

"Dorian managed to get a rift open to send us back and you volunteered to buy us the time we needed. You sacrificed yourself so that we could return to the present and make sure none of what we saw would come to pass." 

Shai opened her mouth then closed it immediately. She found her words had failed her. There wasn't really anything to be said on hearing the details of one's death.  

"Alexius had the rest of the Inquisition killed. He was growing red lyrium in the castle, though why I never found out. Only that it couldn't have been for anything good." Cullen shook his head in disbelief. "A year was all it took for Thedas to collapse...just a year." 

A shuddering breath escaped her and Shai discovered she'd gone cold. She jumped to her feet and crossed to the window thrusting her face into the night, filling her lungs greedily with deep gulps of air. _The death of the Inquisition followed by the death of Thedas? The Empress assassinated and the Elder One?_

It was far too much information and she almost regretted pressing Cullen to unburden himself to her. _Now you know how much is on the line. Alexius could hardly have been this Elder One's only servant which means there are others out there. Others who are probably only too willing to try and succeed where he failed_. 

"Herald?" 

Shai's fingers tightened on the windowsill beneath them, her knuckles cracking. _Deep breaths Trevelyan. None of its true, and none of its going to happen._  

"Thank the Maker," she muttered in reply to her own thoughts before turning to face Cullen again. "I think I should have heeded your warning," she laughed shakily.

He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I can't imagine it's easy to hear."

"Don't be." She waved his apology away and returned to her seat crossing her legs with a casualness she didn't feel. "I asked and you told me. If anyone's going to be sorry it'll be Alexius once we get him back to Haven." 

"We're taking him with us?" Cullen asked raising his eyebrows. 

"Considering all the shit he would've caused if his little plan had worked, I'd say it's the Inquisition's right to imprison him. Besides this Elder One worries me more than a little and we have far too many questions with very few answers." 

Cullen nodded as he mulled her decision over. "That would be best, I agree." 

Shai picked at her nail as she waited for him to say more but he remained silent so she too lapsed into muteness. They sat in shared quiet for a couple minutes before her yawn broke the moment. 

"Perhaps we should retire?" Cullen suggested rising to his feet with a small smile. 

"Oh shit, I'm sorry you must be exhausted. I wasn't thinking. I'll see you in the morning." 

Shai gathered herself and prepared to leave. A warm hand encircling her wrist stopped her progress, the light pressure it applied signaling she should wait. 

"I didn't get a chance to before so I wanted to just say...thank you." 

She flicked her eyes up to his face and noted the seriousness of his expression. 

"Don't mention it," she replied feeling a little confused as to what he was thanking her for. He shook his head. 

"For what you did in the future is what I meant. It was brave of you and I wouldn't be standing here now if you hadn't." His gaze bored into hers and she found it hard to look away. 

"Oh...well...you're welcome." 

_Gee what a wordsmith_. Shai cringed at her lack of fluidity. But Cullen seemed not to mind instead giving her a brief parting squeeze before stepping back. He was silhouetted in silver from the moonlight falling into the room, the right side of his body visible while the left fell into shadow. It was a very artistic effect and if she were so inclined to be a painter, Shai ruminated that this would be the perfect subject for a canvas; the man was impeccably cut and her eyes lingered on his naked torso.

"Goodnight Commander," she bid hastily willing her face to stop burning. 

"Goodnight Herald," he replied and then she was once again in the hallway outside his door, the quiet of the night enveloping her as her footsteps echoed down the hallway. Her wrist tingled warmly where Cullen's fingers had wrapped themselves around it, and she tried to ignore the tendrils of warmth that unfurled inside her chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On to Therinfal!


	11. Therinfal Awaits

Cullen woke the next morning blinded by the sunlight blazing its way through his open window. He was covered in a thin layer of goose bumps from the early chill in the air and he settled himself further into the bed drawing the covers over himself.  _Just a few more minutes_. He had lost a good amount of sleep over the dreams that plagued him throughout the night.

Well, to be honest, they were much closer to nightmares. He'd been convinced he was in some kind of future Redcliffe where everything had gone to literal shit. The walls were growing red lyrium, the castle was barren and destitute and stank of death and despair. But he'd been navigating through the whole place with the Mage called Dorian whom Felix had introduced he and the Herald to.

Speaking of Shai, she'd been there too. That had been the worst part; seeing her tortured and hurt and in pain had brought about something instinctively protective in him and he'd been itching to find Alexius and make him pay for everything. But the nightmare had not allowed him that satisfaction, and instead he and Dorian and the Herald wandered through various hallways always ending in some sort of evil from his past.

There'd been a part dedicated to the tower at Kirkwall, another to the nights of anxiety spent praying he and his comrades would survive to see another day, and a third where he'd relived the start of the rebellion. But in this future Redcliffe, the events were so much more vivid than they'd been in real life and it truly felt so...real. 

Cullen's eyes snapped open and he shot straight up in bed. He squeezed a shaky breath from his constricted lungs as he realized at least part of his night imaginings were true. He and Dorian  _had_ been sent into the future and they  _had_ experienced the ruin of Redcliffe along with Thedas at Alexius's hands. The Herald had been there too and then later died to save them both. 

"Good Maker," Cullen whispered. The fact that everything he'd thought he'd dreamt was actually a warning of a reality that could come to pass made him go cold.  _Mages, it always came back somehow to the Mages_. At least the Inquisition would be taking custody of Alexius until a ruling could be handed down on his head.

That made him feel a tad better but not much. The Magister was still far too free for his liking. A brief thought crossed his mind but he shut it down before it could manifest. Tranquility was not something the Herald would look kindly on, even in Alexius's case, least he figured that would be the result of him posing the option. Shai, after all, had not gone into the future with him. 

She had no reference other than a second hand account of how bad things had gotten. Tranquility, in his opinion, was still much better than what Alexius deserved. All the people who suffered under his agenda...all the lives lost. The limits of Alexius's depravity knew no bounds but Cullen would ensure the Inquisition did their best to serve the Magister a fitting punishment. 

Sliding from the bed Cullen donned his shirt and re-laced his breeches. He halted momentarily thinking of how low they had sunk with their ties loosened.  _I stood in front of the Herald like that too! Well it was dark, perhaps she didn't notice. Yes, and perhaps the sky will turn to fire and nugs will fly_. Well...she wouldn't be tactless enough to mention it if she had seen anything, and that was a big if. _Not something she hasn't seen already Rutherford_.

He slipped his boots on and left his quarters, descending to the main floor. He paused unsure of which direction to go in until he heard voices coming from the dining room where he and the Herald had eaten with Alexius and Felix what felt like a lifetime ago. The door was cracked and Cullen easily slipped inside noting that Shai and Rhys were the only occupants thus far.

They sat side by side at the grand table in the middle, their heads bent in conversation. Rhys said something and Shai snorted loudly leaning back in her chair as she shook with laughter. She swatted his shoulder briskly and he grinned goofily at her. If he'd been invested in being jealous of another male garnering Shai's attention, then he would've mistaken their playfulness for flirting.

But he'd watched enough non-romantic relationships form between comrades during his time in the Order and he recognized the platonic, sibling-like friendship for what it was. Nevertheless he cleared his throat to announce his entry. The Herald's head came up and she looked at him with a smile. The display of openness surprised him, so used to he was the scowl that normally adorned her features in his presence. 

 _Ah, there it is_ , he thought drily as he noted Rhys's sullen face. Cullen saw the other man had bathed in the time since they'd last seen each other, for the grimy layer of dungeon dirt that had coated his person was gone. Rhys had also traded in his tattered garments for a black, leather highwayman coat complete with matching doublet and a new pair of breeches. In truth he looked as if he belonged on a ship, sailing the world as a rugged rogue, sabotaging fleets of vessels. But Cullen supposed the flashier get up worked well for a Mage, particularly this one. He rather suspected Rhys had a flair for the dramatic.

"Going to join us Commander, or stand there all day?" Shai questioned and Cullen realized he had been staring at them like a simpleton for longer than comfortably necessary.

"Right, of course," he mumbled moving to take a seat on the other side of Shai. Rhys appeared put out that he now had to share Cullen's company, but he said nothing and only twisted his mouth down at the corners to indicate his displeasure. 

"Are we returning with Alexius to Haven today then?" Cullen asked after a couple minutes. 

"The agents Leliana sent us have already left with the Magister. They rode out about an hour ago." 

Cullen's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Oh? I thought we would personally be escorting him." 

"We still have Therinfal to attend to. Unless you wish to make an offer to the former Grand Enchanter presently and offer the Mages an alliance?" Shai took a sip from the mug that sat on the table near her hand but her eyes never left Cullen over the edge of the rim. 

"Certainly not," he replied briskly. Rhys snorted in disgust and leaned back in his seat, balancing his chair on its two back legs. 

"Was that a serious question you were asking him, love? A more appropriate one would probably be if he wanted to kill the Mages now or wait and make them tranquil later." 

"Don't start," Shai warned lowly. Cullen's lip curled at the implication and he leaned forward bracing his hands on the edge of the table.

"My concerns about the nature of a possible alliance with the Mages are well founded." 

"You mean you're afraid of them mate, just like every other Templar I've ever met. It's alright, you can admit we make you want to shit yourself," Rhys smirked. Cullen ground his teeth harshly, his eyes narrowing. As he opened his mouth to respond the door to the dining room burst open unceremoniously, interrupting him. 

"Don't mind me, just coming to join," Dorian quipped as he did exactly that and took a spot next to Rhys. He looked impeccably well rested for having just endured a nightmare of a journey next to Cullen's side and the Commander balked at his put together appearance. He doubted his own self looked extremely haggard but he certainly did look as if he'd spent the last hours of the day before trapped in an inescapable hell. 

"Did everyone sleep well?" Dorian inquired shifting his focus from person to person. 

"Bout as well as a person can sleep on those rocks that look like beds," Rhys complained but he smiled as he said it. Dorian chuckled and shook his head. 

"Compared to the floor of the dungeon, I'd say that bed should feel loads more comfortable, yes?" 

"At least the dungeon didn't leave cricks in my neck." 

"Ah yes, I suppose that might be true. But when one is constantly fending off the rats down there, you probably don't have much time for sleep anyways." Dorian grinned wolfishly, his teeth cutting a straight, white line beneath his mustache. Rhys made an ungainly sound that Cullen realized was him holding in a laugh. 

"Anyways," the Tevinter Mage continued, "You do smell a good deal better than the first time we met. I couldn't actually be sure if there was a human under all that hair." 

"Mm yes, well I'm afraid Alexius wasn't up to sending around instruments for a proper shave." 

"Touché." Dorian stroked his chin amusedly. "At any rate, I heard Alexius is being transported as we speak. Back to your home base of operations I assume?" 

"The Inquisition is taking responsibility and custody of the Magister, yes," Shai supplied warily. 

"Ah," Dorian said softly and then was quiet. His finger tapped against his lips idly and his grey eyes glazed over as he lost himself in thought. "Would I be correctly understanding to say that my mentor will be executed for his crimes?" 

"Not at all," Cullen broke in. "He will be tried for what he is accused of, right Herald?" 

"We'll examine his person thoroughly. He will receive a chance to say something in his defense."  

"I wonder what good saying something will do for him considering the heaping amounts of evidence against him. The Commander and I--for that matter--could both vouch for what the man intended to do if he'd gotten his way. I dare say our trip through time probably eradicates any defense Alexius could possibly pose. But then again, he has been known to surprise." Dorian settled back in his chair and braced his fingers together, bringing his ankle to rest on the knee of the opposite leg. His words were spoken with curiosity instead of lamentation, the regret over his mentor's downfall carefully hidden from his tone. 

"So we're on to the cesspool of Templars, yeah?" Rhys raised his own mug to his mouth, cocking an eyebrow at Shai. She raked her teeth over her bottom lip but didn't reprimand her friend. Cullen felt a small spark of hope light in his chest at the prospect of seeing his fellow men and women in arms at the Templar fortress. He was looking forward to not being the odd man out.  

"That's the plan." 

"If Therinfall is promising to be as charming as my time here then I, by all means, must accompany you." Dorian leaned forward and braced his elbows on the table looking to the Herald for confirmation. Her eyes met Cullen's in a quick glance and he gave a short nod of acceptance; Dorian had proven himself during their time in the future.

He was welcome insofar as Cullen was concerned. If the Tevinter Mage wanted to travel with them to a hold of Templars of his own volition then who were they to say no and deny the extra assistance?  _Because things could go south_ , Cullen thought forebodingly.  _Redcliffe just proved that to us tenfold_. And then a second later,  _but hopefully not_. 

"We welcome your help," Shai said decidedly. 

"Excellent!" Dorian drawled, flashing his white teeth in another grin. "I'm sure we'll all just have oodles of fun together. Now if you would excuse me, I'm going to find some food in this place. My stomach feels like it's digesting itself." 

The Tevinter Mage pushed himself away from the table and rose to his feet. He disappeared through an adjoining door into presumably the kitchens as he returned moments later arms laden with food. An apple bounced from his hold and rolled across the floor. Rhys leaned down and snatched it from where it came to rest against his boot. He bit into it with a loud crunch and Dorian shot him a mock glare as he deposited the rest of his findings on the table. 

"That was mine!" 

"Key word there mate, is  _was_. And now it's _mine_." Rhys bit into the fruit again, his cheeks filling as he chewed. Dorian huffed and sat down biting into a loaf of bread vigorously, sending crumbs flying. Shai rolled her eyes at their power play. Cullen's stomach grumbled and he winced in embarrassment at how loud the noise was. Dorian raised an eyebrow and shoved a block of cheese along with some meat across the space between them. 

"Can't have you starving to death on us." 

"Thanks." Cullen retrieved his dagger from his boot and cut a hunk of cheese for himself. He passed the block over to Shai obligingly when he was done and the four of them ate in companionable silence, well it would have been if Dorian had stopped making small talk for more than a couple minutes. 

"Does this swill pass for wine with you southerners?"

Rhys grunted in response as he swallowed the contents of his mug, smacking his lips appreciatively. "Not up to your Imperium standards I take it?" 

"My dear boy, how can you stomach the stuff?" Dorian grimaced as he took a sip, his nose scrunching in distaste. 

"If it's so bad then why are you still drinking--" 

"Herald? I don't mean to intrude but might I have a word?" 

None of them had heard Fiona enter the dining room but she stood just inside the door, her hands folded in the billowing sleeves of her robe. Shai got to her feet and indicated with her hand Cullen should accompany. He rose as well and they followed the former Grand Enchanter out into the hallway. 

"It is not my intention to put you on the spot," Fiona began hesitantly. "But as you were with us when their majesties visited--" 

"The King and Queen of Ferelden came here?" Cullen interrupted. Why on earth would Alistair or Anora feel the need to suddenly visit Redcliffe? 

"They contended that my fellow mages and I had abused their hospitality," Fiona said with a bowed head. Her voice sounded ashamed with an undercurrent of anger. "They demanded that we leave here at once, which I'm sure both of you can understand is no small task. We have a large amount of people with very little between them and now no home. The Magister...he was at least a reliable source of food and shelter. I know my choice to indenture the mages to him makes little sense to either of you but I ask that you keep in mind I was doing what I thought best." 

Her speech finished, Fiona clasped her hands together tightly. Cullen had a sharp inkling he knew what she was about to ask or at least propose and he was in no position to give an answer one way or another. At least until he and the Herald had consulted with the rest of the advisors back at Haven.

Josephine and Leliana would both have thoughts on any possible alliance with the mages as would Cassandra no doubt. To give Fiona a "yes" or a "no" wasn't within his power and he wasn't fond of making false promises. The Herald on the other hand looked as if she were seriously considering extending a no strings attached welcome and he knew he had to nip whatever she was thinking of doing in the bud. 

"Grand Enchanter, as you well know, we did come here with the intent to discuss the terms of an alliance. However in light of recent events, though we know they were out of your control, the Herald and I must discuss that course of action with our advisors." There, that sounded firm yet hopeful.

Fiona's lips thinned but she nodded in acceptance. Shai's mouth was pursed and Cullen groaned internally at her slightly displeased expression. He recognized the signs of a counter-argument coming from the time they'd spent locking horns in the war room. 

"If you would excuse us--"

"I would like to discuss the terms of an alliance." 

Cullen closed his eyes and counted to three as Shai steamrolled over his attempt to end the conversation. 

"Herald I don't think this is--" 

"Grand Enchanter would you excuse us for a minute?" 

Fiona bent at the waist in a small bow. 

"Of course Herald." 

She made herself scarce and Shai turned to Cullen as soon as Fiona was out of sight. 

"Commander, wasn't the entire goal of our trip here to extend an offer to the mages?" 

"No Herald, it was a peace negotiation which we have achieved might I add. The extension of an alliance was to happen after we met with the Templars and returned to Haven." Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose and hoped against hope this wouldn't turn into a drawn out fight. He knew this was going to be a problem.

She'd already tried to beat him here to Redcliffe originally, why not try and undermine him again now that the opportunity had presented itself? Stupid that he'd begun to entertain the thought things were changing between them. Shai exhaled forcefully and looked to the ceiling as if it would present answers.

"Yes I'm aware. But the mages need somewhere to go. The King and Queen kicked them out of Redcliffe, they'll spend days or weeks even wandering around trying to find a way to get by until the Inquisition offers them an alliance." 

"You mean if the Inquisition offers them an alliance," Cullen corrected and noted her look of irritation. 

"Do you even realize the danger that puts them in? The whole land fears mages since the rebellions and the fighting with the Templars isn't improving anyone's opinions." 

"We aren't a charity case. We're trying to put everything back together, we can't let our sympathies get the best of us and cloud our judgment." 

"Is that the Templar speaking or the Commander?" Shai asked lowly as she crossed her arms. Cullen's mouth popped open and he gaped at her. So much for the friendly smile she'd given him earlier. 

"I'm speaking with the best interests of the Inquisition in mind." 

"Mmm I'm sure." The Herald looked away fixating on some point only she seemed able to see. Cullen ran a hand through his hair and pulled at it agitatedly. Why did it have to come to this? 

"Herald listen, I am not opposed to offering the Mages an alliance--" 

"Of course you are." 

"I am not opposed," he continued irritatedly. "But I will not ignore that we have others back at Haven who also have a store in all this. Deferring to their judgement is part of the equation." 

She didn't respond to him right away but he could almost hear the gears in her mind churning. Finally she turned her eyes back to him and her mouth stretched into a tight smile. He grimaced knowing whatever she was about to say he wasn't going to like. 

"Very well Commander. If you would kindly go find the Grand Enchanter and repeat exactly what you told me to her so there are no uncertainties, I would be much obliged." 

Then she disappeared back through the doorway into the dining room leaving Cullen alone. He stared stupidly after her before uttering a low growl and stalking off to find Fiona hoping she hadn't gone far. 

++++ 

"Someone help the Mage please!" 

"Which one?!" 

"The pretty one!" 

"Oh you mean me then?" 

"Damnit Rhys help him!" Shai shouted as she took down a bandit. The colossus of a man hit the forest floor with a loud thump, his armor singed over his chest where she'd flung a decent sized lightning bolt into it. In her peripheral vision she watched Rhys fade step to cover Dorian's flank and breathed a little easier. The four of them, her, Rhys, Cullen, and Dorian had been riding through the Hinterlands on their way to Therinfal when they'd been waylaid by a group of bandits.

Better than being caught in the crossfire between the ever present mages and Templars fighting but still not a desirable place to be. They'd taken out the snipers with relative ease but the bandits hiding behind battle axes and great swords or the ones repeatedly stealthing themselves were proving to be a pain in the arse.

Cullen was swearing in random spurts as he repelled attack after attack, the clank of swords striking his shield ringing out above the general commotion of fighting. A bandit appeared out of the shadows behind him, twin daggers raised as he prepared to take a chunk out of the Commander's back.

Shai caught the offender before he could strike, sending flames racing up the bandit's legs. Something solid slammed into her chest and she went sailing backwards landing hard in the dirt with a surprised cry. She lay staring at the blinding sun for a few seconds, the breath momentarily knocked out of her. 

"Come 'ere you little bitch!" Another bandit stood with his great sword poised to strike, the blade glinting meanly in the day. Gritting her teeth Shai pushed off the ground, hissing as her chest pulled tightly. She planted her feet shoulder width apart, prepared to unleash a devastating array of spells, and realized her staff wasn't in her hands any longer. 

"A little help here!" Shai yelled as she scrambled away, nimbly dodging the sweeping great sword as the bandit lunged. His thwarted cry of anger rang after her.  _Staff, staff, staff, staff, where the fuck is my staff?_ Her eyes locked onto a pile of boulders dead ahead and she scampered up them with relative ease, her grip on the rocks slipping only once. The bandit roared behind her and she jerked at how close he sounded.  _Move Trevelyan, move_! 

"Argh!" 

She heard the unmistakable crackle of lightning and smelled the intertwining scents of burnt flesh and charring armor. A loud thump confirmed Rhys or Dorian had come to her aid and her shoulders sagged with relief. She loosened her hold on the rock face and her body slid down inch by inch until she felt solid ground beneath her feet once more.

Shai turned and was greeted with the smoking heap of ash and indiscernible limbs that had been the bandit pursuing her. She wrinkled her nose trying to prevent inhaling anymore of the stench. The battle had relatively died down during her hasty retreat. Cullen was finishing off the last couple bandits who were doing their damndest to get away unscathed while Rhys and Dorian tag teamed the remaining rogue.

The man's attempts to stealth himself and escape were proving to be futile as both Mages threw up walls of fire to keep him contained. At last he hesitated too long to enter stealth and Rhys dealt the finishing blow. Shai spied her staff in the grass and scooped it up, brushing some clinging blades off it. 

"Nothing like a little excitement to start the day off right, eh?" Rhys joked as he swept a few loose strands of hair out of his face. 

"It certainly does put a spring in your step." Dorian agreed. 

"Let's get the horses. We can't delay for too long." Cullen sheathed his sword briskly and looked at all of them pointedly. 

"Eager to see some familiar faces Commander? Or just want someone to sit around and bash Mages with you?" Rhys teased but it wasn't light and kidding. A sharpness coated his words and Shai shot him a glare he ignored. If this whole trip was going to be Rhys picking at Cullen until the Commander finally had enough and snapped she would happily send her friend to wait for them at Haven.

She got that the history between them was tumultuous but by Cullen's own admission he hadn't had anything to do directly with the misfortune Rhys had endured at the Gallows and she didn't know why but she felt inclined to believe that. After all she had heard the horror stories of Meredith; it wasn't far fetched to put the blame on that crazy murderess. 

"Mount up." Cullen stalked away from Rhys who grinned smugly. 

"Hey." Shai smacked his arm roughly.

"Ow! What was that for?" 

"Knock it off, alright? I mean it, no more." 

Her friend looked at her in perplexity, his mouth hanging dumbly open. 

"Are you serious right now?" 

"Rhys he hasn't done anything to you," Shai defended angrily, her voice a low hiss. 

"Not done anything to me?! I was whipped within an inch of my life thanks to him." 

"Thanks to Meredith, not Cullen." 

"Because you were there right," Rhys laughed bitterly. "So you would know, wouldn't you? Why are you defending him Shailene? His whole race of Templar bastards have done nothing but ensure the misery of Mages for years!" 

"I know that!" Shai snapped, gesturing wildly. "I get that Rhys. You don't think I saw my share of it at Ostwick? People can change." 

"Hah! Now I've seen it all!" He bit out sarcastically. "What, do you have a certain soft spot for him?" 

"Don't be ridiculous," she threw back but her answer came a little too quickly and Rhys's eyebrows raised as he picked up the nervousness in her reply. 

"You do don't you? Maker, you really do!" His expression was a mixture of fascination and horror that twisted rapidly into one of contempt. "Defending him because you've been opening your legs for him then, love?" 

"Low blow Rhys." Shai shook her head slowly, her eyes narrowed and flashing. Dorian cleared his throat awkwardly and they turned to find he'd been privy to their whole spat, both forgetting he was standing there as they traded barbs. 

"My sincerest apologies for disrupting your...conversation, but it does appear as if the Commander will be leaving with or without us." 

Cullen was once more sitting astride Vigilance who was beginning to walk away. Shai humphed and avoided eye contact with Rhys as she retrieved Phaeron and swung into her saddle. Without a backwards glance she nudged her mount forward closing the gap between her and the Commander.

He seemed surprised when she appeared next to him but only nodded curtly and they rode a polite distance apart, neither saying a word to the other. Shai was fuming and her hands felt hot with unshed magic. Had she been even just a couple years younger she probably would've taken an insane amount of joy in lighting a fire beneath Rhys in retaliation. But she was older and a fraction more mature so she simply brooded in silence as they traveled. 

+++++++

Three days later they were cresting a rocky hill to find Therinfal on the other side. Relations between her and Rhys hadn't improved since their argument, if anything they'd soured even further. Currently they were on the basis of acting like the other weren't in existence. Cullen and Dorian had each acknowledged the newfound tension with sparing glances between the two friends but said nothing otherwise.

Shai missed being able to converse with Rhys but every time she thought about apologizing and calling a truce she remembered his lewd insinuation and her hackles rose. The fact that he'd guessed exactly what had happened only served to inflame her irritation. She _didn't_ carry a soft spot for Cullen, thank you very little. She was just tired of hearing a scathing retort follow every order or statement the Commander made.

It had grown tiresome quickly and she didn't think it was too much to ask that everyone, for the sake of their mission, manage to get along in respectful silence until they returned to Haven and could go separate ways. If she could get over her Templarophobia then so too could Rhys. She'd experienced relatively the same kind of abuse at the Order's hands as he had.

Perhaps even worse, hers had been ordered by her parents in attempts to quell the magic running through her veins. Rhys wasn't preaching to the choir, she was just taking a turn at being reasonable. Maybe it was all the business of being Herald that was calling forth her better judgment. Whatever the case, he would need to keep his sentiments to himself going forward and especially back at Haven.

The place was swarming with Templar recruits and volunteers, after all. She didn't need to be breaking up fights or lobbying in Rhys's defense with her advisors that it was truly a good idea to include him in the ranks. If it got that far and continuously stayed that way...well, she would cross that bridge when the time came. 

"Therinfal Redoubt I take it? Quaint place, love the look of doom and gloom. It's really quite inviting, something like a summer home." 

Shai snorted in amusement at Dorian's sarcasm and the Mage cracked a grin. 

"The Lord Seeker awaits," Cullen mumbled. 

"Best not to keep him waiting then," she sighed, a slight shiver going through her. Walking into Therinfal was going to be like a sheep in a wolves’ den. So, so many Templars all armed and ready to act. And here were three Mages practically gift wrapped for them, hand delivered by one of their former comrades. 

 _He would never do that_ , her subconscious chided,  _that would be barbaric_. Instantly she felt ashamed to even entertain the notion that Cullen would gladly sacrifice them. She stuck by what she'd told Rhys earlier; people changed, even former Knight-Captains, as impossible a notion as that sounded. 

"Going in or staying?" Rhys asked impatiently, leading his horse in a tight circle as it chomped at the bit. Shai mused it was flat out ironic that had been the mount her friend acquired; the roan colored gelding was proving to be Rhys incarnate personality wise, in animal form of course. 

"Going," she stated firmly and squeezed Phaeron's sides with her knees. Her stallion loped forward gracefully, picking up speed as the hill they were on declined. The thunder of hooves coming from over her shoulder signaled the rest of the party followed. Cullen pulled alongside her, Vigilance easily keeping pace with Phaeron. 

"We should let them see us ride in together. The missive Josephine sent did say the Herald and the Commander. I wouldn't want the Templars inside to attack on the grounds of unfamiliarity." 

"On account of the Orders gone straight to shit?" Shai called over the wind rushing past them. Cullen looked at her grimly then faced forward.  _I guess that's a yes_. 

Before them a stone bridge spanned the distance to Therinfal and they slowed their horses as they rode onto it. Ramparts rose on either side, zig zagging back and forth. The keep lay just beyond, a multitude of towers, battlements, and turrets. Red heraldry emblazoned with the Templar insignia hung from the barbican arching over the bridge.

"What? No welcoming committee for the glorious members of the Inquisition? How terribly gauche." Dorian sounded convincingly affronted and Shai bit her lip to keep from smiling. 

"He's right," Cullen said warily. "There's no one guarding the portcullis." 

The iron gate was indeed open beneath the barbican with no Templars in sight. Beyond it lay the lower bailey of the hold absolutely deserted. Shai felt her mana pool in her fingertips, her fight or flight response initiating. The four of them sat with eyes scanning the battlements looking for any signs of Templars. 

"Surely they didn't all just up and leave," Dorian speculated. Cullen shook his head. 

"The Lord Seeker was expecting us... _is_ expecting us. This isn't right, someone should be here." 

"What do we do?" Shai asked glancing to the Commander for direction. This seemed like a pretty blatant sign to her they should cut their losses and go retain the Mages before it was too late but she knew he would have none of that. 

"Be ready." Was all Cullen said before he led Vigilance forward. Shai hesitated before guiding Phaeron after him while Rhys and Dorian brought up the rear single file. She couldn't help but glance around as they entered under the raised portcullis, her eyes looking for the glint of sunlight on armor in case they were walking into a trap; Redcliffe had officially made her leery of any future negotiations. But there seemed to be no other life forms beside themselves.

“The place is deserted,” Rhys commented lowly, twisting from side to side in his saddle, taking in the lower bailey in which they’d halted. A boarded over well sat in the middle and more heraldry decorated the inner walls. Grass grew sparsely around patches of cobblestones and dirt. It was a bleak hold to say the least and the steady drizzle of rain that had just started didn’t add to the overall impression Therinfal was presenting.  

“Commander?” Shai inquired. By unspoken consent they’d grouped their horses in a loose circle with Cullen at the helm. They looked to him for direction and he was staring fixatedly at the ground, eyes narrowed in concentration.

“Investigate,” he finally said. “We’ll go as a team and search the hold. Be on your guard and make sure someone is watching your back before entering any rooms. Herald, you’ll take point with me. Dorian and Rhys, you’ll take the rear and watch each other. Let’s move.”

He swung down from Vigilance and unsheathed his sword, testing the weight of his shield where he strapped it to his left arm. Three pairs of boots thumped into the dirt as Shai, Dorian, and Rhys dismounted as well. Falling into a sort of arrow formation with Cullen and Shai at the helm, they moved towards a door leading into inner Therinfal. The Commander stopped when they reached it, giving them each enough time to ready themselves. Rhys cast a barrier that enshrouded their group and then Cullen pushed the door open and stepped through the entrance.

He stopped dead and Shai collided with his back, bouncing off him with a muffled “umph.” She looked at him in annoyance but he wasn’t paying any attention to her; his gaze was riveted on whatever lay before him. She stepped to the side and peered around his body, her eyebrows shooting towards her hairline at what she saw. Templars sprawled in pools of blood adorned the room. Most were face down but a few stared blankly at the ceiling, their skin starting to take on the waxy pallor of death.

“Shit,” Rhys muttered as he too maneuvered around Cullen.

“Well...” Dorian stood beside Shai, his staff held limply in his hand as he took in the plethora of bodies. Cullen walked towards the nearest Templar and crouched next to the woman. She’d probably had blonde hair once but it was now a deep red, courtesy of the liquid gushing from the multiple wounds in her torso. One of her arms was crooked at an awkward angle, clearly broken, and the other was stretched out towards a sword about two feet from her.

“This happened recently,” the Commander said emotionlessly, dipping his fingers into the blood he knelt by. “Maybe an hour or so past? Whoever did this is probably still here.” He straightened and faced them, his face severe, and Shai noted the way a muscle in his cheek twitched under the skin. “Prepare yourselves. I don’t believe we’re getting out of here without a fight.”

Cullen picked his way carefully but efficiently around the fallen Templars. The way he moved suggested he’d done this before as did how he kept his eyes glued on the opposite end of the room and the only visible exit out. Shai felt a pang of sympathy for him; he probably knew some of the men and women he was walking past, had maybe served alongside them at one point or overseen them.

He got about ten steps in before a hand shot out suddenly and latched around his ankle. He stumbled forward with a loud swear and whirled. The Templar who had restrained him lay on his back, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his breaths came in raspy whistles. A deep gash crossed his throat and blood bubbled from the cut.

Cullen dropped swiftly to one knee but made no other move to staunch the man’s bleeding and Shai could tell the Commander knew there was nothing to be done. He had his back to her as he talked to the Templar and their voices floated back dimly. Cullen’s came far steadier and louder and by the time he rose to his feet again, the man laid still, his eyes mercifully closed.

“What did he say?” Dorian ventured. The Commander turned slowly and his mouth was set in a grim line, the skin around it taught. Shai’s stomach dropped even before Cullen answered the Mage with a name she had really hoped to never hear again.

“The Elder One.”

A dead silence met the reveal and all the air seemed to retreat from the room. She went cold and Dorian swore vehemently.

“It’s not possible. It can’t be.”

“It seems Alexius wasn’t the only servant.”

“Did he say what happened?” Shai questioned, her outward person calm even as her insides roiled with consternation. Cullen shook his head slowly and passed a hand over his face.

“It was hard to understand. I got ‘red lyrium’ and ‘changing us,’ but that’s all I could discern. Maker’s breath, this can’t get any worse.”

“Don’t start saying that, mate. The universe loves to prove that wrong,” Rhys cautioned under his breath. Shai was surprised to see he actually appeared sick and not gleeful at the dead Templars around them. Then again it was quite one thing to imagine an enemy dead, and, seeing it in the flesh, another.

“Do we keep going?” Shai asked, genuinely thinking it would be smarter of them to turn around and seek reinforcements. “If the Elder One is here...”

“It didn’t sound like he was,” Cullen ascertained. “I also believe we would’ve made his acquaintance by now. According to Alexius, the Elder One wants you dead quite badly. I don’t think he’d be naïve to the fact you’re here now, were he also occupying Therinfal." Sound logic on the Commander’s part but it still made her shiver with trepidation. “And we can’t let whoever did this go free.”

“Then we go after them and get the hell out of here afterwards when it’s over,” Dorian said determinedly and Shai agreed with him. She hoped whomever they were about to encounter wouldn’t end up being the death of them all.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so effing hard to finish haha I have only chosen the Templar side once in one of my play throughs but I didn't want to stick exactly to what happened since I've advertised this fan fic as having a spin on Redcliffe and Therinfal. Anyways, this was pretty much a filler chapter with action dead ahead so stay tuned.


	12. Champions of the Just

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one.

_Blessed are they who stand before_

_The corrupt and the wicked and do not falter._

_Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just._

_Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow._

_In their blood the Maker's will is written._

* * *

_They were incredible_. That was the thought that replayed itself endlessly through Cullen's mind as he pivoted and blocked, parried and thrust his way through the current skirmish. Rhys, Shai, and Dorian by some unspoken agreement had become a three person fighting machine. While Rhys cast seemingly inexhaustible barriers and covered their flank, Dorian provided front line relief with strategically placed runes and elemental walls to keep enemies at an appropriate distance.

Meanwhile Shai decimated the battle field with explosions of lightning and flames. Her body was just one big blur half the time, staying in no spot for more than a few seconds before fade stepping to the next and launching a barrage of spells from her new position. He shouldn't have been surprised, what with the "in your face" up close and personal attitude she got whenever she was facing a challenge --like him in the war room-- but he'd never actually stepped back and watched her fight.

He could say with certainty he hoped to never be on the receiving end of her battle prowess. It wasn't the acute calculation he'd seen from some Mages but rather raw force and sheer determination to be the last thing standing by taking opponents down hard and fast. Her attacks were devastating to say the least and combined with Rhys and Dorian's support, no enemy stood a solid chance.

As he hacked the head off a red Templar, Cullen mused that the Mages could hold their own all day against the never ending tide of monsters Therinfal held. It was worse than what he had initially assumed. According to the dying member of the Order they'd stumbled across initially in the lower bailey, the Templars had been ingesting red lyrium on an experimental basis and those who had begun to question the process were singled out as the infidel.

The Lord Seeker truly had lost his mind in the worst way and Cullen felt sick at each twisted man or woman he had to cut down. They had been his comrades once and if not directly, at least they'd all worn the same armor. He could never, in a million years, have imagined how far the Order would sink because even what they were repeatedly seeing still felt so surreal to him. 

"How many are you at mate?!" Rhys taunted over the sound of a lightning bolt charring a red Templar archer beyond recognition. 

"Fifteen! And counting!" Dorian responded as he spun gracefully with his staff. 

"Gonna have to do better than that if you want to catch up! I'm at twenty!" 

"Sorry boys but thirty trumps all," Shai sang as her most recently cast lightning bolt arced through two Templars simultaneously and reduced them to a pile of blackened bones.

The three Mages had quickly struck up a rather morbid game of counting their individual death tolls and Cullen felt guilty for finding it partly amusing; death was something he'd learned not to take lightly. He blinked away the sweat streaming into his eyes, squinting at the harsh sting of the salty liquid. He could taste the coppery tang of blood with every sweep of his tongue over his lips, though how much of it was his he wasn't sure.

Being a warrior meant becoming closely acquainted with any spraying fluids from enemy bodies and his cuirass was drenched in red. He'd long gotten over the initial revulsion at having blood that wasn't your own coat your body but it didn't mean he was in any way welcoming of it. 

"Well, that certainly went well." Dorian snuffed out the magic still crackling at the end of his staff.

Rhys braced his hands on his thighs panting yet grinning, a twisted cut adorning his right cheek streaming rivulets of crimson. "Little messy but you're not having fun unless you're getting dirty," he said, a cocked eyebrow acknowledging the double entendre in his words.

Shai snorted heavily then hawked a glob of spit onto the ground. She smacked her lips in distaste, her face screwing up as she spit again. "Templar blood tastes like shit." 

She moved towards a fallen body and crouched while her hands rummaged over its armor. Triumphantly she held up a small flask and unscrewed the cap with haste, dumping the contents into her waiting mouth. Shai swished the water around briskly, her cheeks bulging, before relieving herself of it. Cullen pulled off a glove and wiped the back of his hand across his lips, his skin coming away with maroon streaks. He looked around the upper bailey they'd just cleared noting a set of stairs at the furthest end. 

"I wager we'll find the Lord Seeker somewhere on the other side of those," he said nodding. The Herald's eyes swept over the steps and she grunted in agreement. Suddenly her head jerked to the side as if straining to hear something. Cullen was instantly on the defensive and the crackling of brewing magic filled the area around them once more. 

"What is it?" He asked quietly. Shai shook her head slowly, her brows drawing lower and lower. 

"You didn't hear that?"

"Hear what?" Rhys questioned, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet, right hand splayed out ready to conjure a barrier. 

"A voice. It said...never mind. I must've imagined it." The Herald dismissed her suspicions with a gesture of her hand.

Cullen relaxed his stance but still subtly glanced over the grounds of the bailey, looking for any sign of movement. Satisfied there was none to be found he exhaled and rolled his tension filled shoulders. He'd really been banking on Therinfal being a small struggle compared to the horrors of Redcliffe, not exactly the same sort of problem magnified by the actual ingestion of red lyrium.

It was insanity at its best, or would it be at its worst? He didn't know but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was find the Lord Seeker and demand answers. This was now personal, at least for him. The Order he'd served and grown up in was lying decimated all around him and it had him strung tight as a bow. He was constantly grinding his teeth in frustration and anger, not even conscious of it until one of his current companions besieged him to stop.

His jaw ached immeasurably but it wasn't worse than the dull waves of pain that kept crashing over his skull. He'd thought future Redcliffe had been bad with the lyrium growing out of every corner but it was nothing compared to the wicked song threading its way through his mind at every turn they took through Therinfal. 

There was also no escaping the waxen, emaciated corpses with their mouths gaping and eyes just staring. _Always staring, always at me. Maker bless their souls, there's nothing anyone on earth can do for them now_. It was a disheartening experience to say the least but some sort of grip was upon him, driving him forward to find the person responsible for the madness.

He didn't know if he'd be able to restrain himself when they finally encountered the Lord Seeker. The way he was feeling he was apt to rip the man limb from limb, all semblance of control thrown aside. A jail cell within Haven would be too good for Lucius Corin. 

"Hey." 

Cullen jumped at the hand that wrapped it's fingers around his forearm. The Herald was staring at him concernedly, her pale green eyes moving back and forth over his face. It was weird but he could almost feel a physical touch from them, as if it were her fingers instead tracing his features. _Ridiculous Rutherford_. 

"I'm fine," he said automatically then realized she hadn't actually asked him whether he was okay. 

"That's good." Was all she responded with before releasing him. "There're a couple doors over on that side of the bailey. Do you want to search for any survivors?" 

"There are none," he stated with certainty. There couldn't be, was more apt a discernment. They hadn't seen one, living person this entire time. Every room they'd dredged through had yielded more and more bodies of the dead and occasionally the dying, choking on their own blood with every passing second.

He'd driven his sword through more than one chest plate of a begging Templar in agony and recounted the Chant of Light so many times his tongue felt numb with the words. So no, he didn't want to search for survivors only to find there weren't any because the Order was broken and shattered and nothing was going to put it back together.

And he couldn't, wouldn't be able to, stand seeing another Maker damned room full of the men and women who had once held the same dreams and aspirations of glory and making a difference as he had all those years ago when he'd first taken his vows. 

"Perhaps we should take a break," Shai said softly and Cullen paled as he became aware he'd spoken all of that aloud. 

"No...forgive me, that was uncalled for. Personal feelings shouldn't interfere with duty." 

The Herald looked like she was about to say something but closed her mouth instead and gave a thin lipped smile. "Then we'd best press on." 

Cullen nodded in agreement and stepped around her to take the lead, painfully aware of her eyes on his back the entire time. His boot crunched on the stone of the first step then the second and the third. His legs popped up and down methodically as he climbed to a rampart landing.

Another set of stairs greeted him and he spied another beyond that. More dead Templars decorated the way upwards and he did his best to ignore them as he went. The rain that had been steadily sprinkling  upon their heads since their arrival at Therinfal now turned into a full on downpour, drenching each of them within seconds. 

"Aw bloody hell! Were the fucked up Templars not good enough for today?!" Rhys swore vehemently. 

"At least we get a free bath," Dorian said drily, watching as the blood coating his hand washed away with the rain. "Though I much prefer scented oils to the aroma of death and decay." 

"Come on, we're getting closes, I can feel it." Shai started up the next array of steps determinedly, transferring her staff to her hand from where she'd sheathed it on her back. Cullen followed close behind, ready to defend her on either side should they be ambushed at the top. He felt rather than saw Dorian and Rhys close ranks in their formation.

Just ahead he spied the beacon of red wood that constructed a set of large doors leading into the main part of Therinfal. And as they crested the last few stairs they were greeted by the sight of the Lord Seeker. Cullen felt a low growl well up in his chest and his hand tightened around the hilt of his sword.

He found himself picturing the exact place on the Lord Seeker's neck where he could lodge his blade and sever head from body. _Easy now, don't act with reckless abandon._  An arm settled itself in front of him, outstretched and halting his person. He looked at the Herald questioningly and she nodded to the Lord Seeker who had yet to turn and acknowledge them despite the obvious noise they were making.

He shook his head unable to answer her obvious question of "what's going on" and she gave him a hard stare with the clear meaning of "wait here." Then cautiously but steadily she approached the man responsible for the carnage Therinfal contained. When she was just a foot away, the Lord Seeker whirled suddenly with a shout and latched onto the front of her leathers. 

"At last!" He hissed venomously, chapped lips parting to reveal yellowed teeth. 

It happened so fast Cullen was still blinking in stupid confusion as the Lord Seeker vanished in a flash of green energy and blinding white light, taking the Herald with him.

++++

"Why is everyone in this fucking world insane?!"

Shai struggled to her feet, blinking angrily. Her ears were ringing, correction, make that one ear because she was pretty sure she was now partially deaf in her left one. She dug her finger into it and popped it back out, cocking her head to see if it worked.

"Fucking Therinfal, fucking Lord Seeker, fucking hole in the sky, fucking mark, fuck!"

Her voice rang out loudly, echoing grandly. Whatever lapse of space or time the Lord Seeker had dragged her through with him had deposited her in...well somewhere was the most she could discern. And he was conveniently nowhere around. Her view of her surroundings was obscured by a heavy fog, only allowing her to see ten feet in front of her in any direction.

What details she could make out were stone pillars holding up archways ahead and was that grass she was standing on? Shai looked down and shuffled her feet, revealing blades that should've been green but were instead black. She cautiously wandered forward, unhooking her staff from her back and coaxing a small light at the tip of it.

There was a green tinge to the air and at first she thought it was coming from her mark but the thing was un-characteristically dim for the moment. Suspicious...but she would tackle that later.

Her head swiveled from left to right as she walked, then tilted back as she stared up. The fog only gave way to darkness at its edges, which was vastly unhelpful in getting her bearings. The acrid smell of burning flesh came to her nostrils, nauseating and curdling. It didn't take her long to discern its source; between the pillars were multiple corpses, some on their knees, some frozen upright.

All had flames licking their charred remains and she brought a hand to cover her nose as her stomach gave a mighty lurch. It's what the sight outside the Temple of Sacred Ashes had looked like when Cassandra had brought her back to it the first time.

She didn't look too closely at the corpses knowing from her past that all signs of skin, hair, or any other feature would be cleanly burned away, leaving only raw flesh behind. Shai gagged and then felt a chill race down her spine as faint screams echoed around her: the sounds of the dying.

Voices whispered indiscernibly and the feeling of being watched created a needling sensation between her shoulder blades. She picked her way through the minefield of dead bodies, giving each a wide berth. In some areas the ground was cracked and unearthly light shown up from below, waxing and waning. Her skin prickled with trepidation and she wanted to hug herself against the cold that suddenly gripped her.

This had to be a dream, there was no way it wasn't. She was dreaming because she was unconscious. Yes! That was it. The Lord Seeker had knocked her unconscious and she was hallucinating. Made perfect sense so now all she had to do was wake up.

Shai stopped mid stride and clenched her eyes shut. _On the count of three...one...two...three!_ She snapped her eyes open, a wave of dismay crashing over her. She was still here...of course she was. Because deep down she knew this wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare, and to escape from those took a lot more effort. But what was that ahead? She squinted as the fog dissipated around a figure and as she hesitantly drew closer, she recognized the fur mantle of Cullen. 

"Commander!" Shai started jogging, the blackened grass crunching under her feet. She drew up short when he didn't acknowledge her presence even though she couldn't have been more than five feet from him. He stared straight past her, eyes and face blank. Someone, not him, hissed loudly and Shai blinked in disbelief as Rhys appeared behind Cullen. This wasn't right, how were they both here? Her friend sauntered forward leisurely and cocked his head to the side, features impassive.

"Is this shape useful? Will it let me know you?"

Shai took a step backwards. That wasn't the voice she was used to hearing. It was warped and twisted beyond Rhys's normal, jesting tone. It was harsh and there was an unmistakable edge to it, a dark quality.

"Who are you?" Shai asked lowly, her eyes narrowing. Rhys--or whatever had taken his form ( _a demon? Yes it has to be that._ )-- grinned and tipped his head to the side. 

"The question is, who are you Herald of Andraste? What are your fears? Your wishes? Your wants? What makes you...you?"

"I don't understand," Shai stammered, retreating another step. Her friend cocked his head to the other side.

"That doesn't matter. Everything tells me about you. Do you want to know how?"

Rhys slipped behind Cullen, peering over his shoulder with one icy eye. His hand snuck around to the Commander's neck and Shai spied the glint of a dagger.

"Watch," Rhys commanded, and drew the blade across Cullen's throat. The latter made no noise as his blood spurted from his torn neck, even as it splashed darkly against his mouth and chin.

"No!" Shai leaped forward arms outstretched to catch Cullen's weight. He sagged against her, dragging her down to her knees.

"You can deny all you want, the truth is still there," Rhys commented contemptuously.

He looked over Shai as she pressed a hand against the jagged cut the dagger had left, closing her fingers over the severed skin but Cullen's eyes glazed over and his blood kept flowing. Only it wasn't hot as blood should be. In fact she couldn't feel it at all.

And when she blinked, his body was gone. Shai emitted a strangled noise and scrambled away, her boots kicking up chunks of dirt as she worked to distance herself. Her legs were under her in another second and she was running back the way she'd come, lungs burning as she sucked down mouthfuls of air, the smell of her own fear coated sweat strong in her nostrils.

She skidded to an abrupt stop as Rhys appeared in front of her, blocking the way. Her eyes bugged and she wheeled around, retracing her steps. She got to where Cullen's body should've still been laying and bypassed the spot. Her outstretched hands slammed into a stone wall, her exit cut off. A laugh came from over her shoulder and she gritted her teeth.

"Stop!" She shouted. Her pulse beat loudly in her ears and she jerked to the left then right, gaze trying to penetrate the fog. There was no one there. But the laugh had been so close...

"Stop!"

Shai choked on her scream and stumbled a couple feet to the side. Rhys was standing meditatively still, just watching her with deep seated fascination.

"Stop!" He repeated again, clearly trying to imitate Shai's own voice.

She sucked in a breath that made a whistling noise as it swept past her clenched teeth. Rhys took a step closer and then another until he was rapidly closing the gap between them. His teeth bared in a sinister smile and his hands flexed at his sides. At the last second he broke into a run and lunged forward, a snarl ripping from his throat.

"I want to know you!"

Shai threw up her arms with a cry, shielding herself and bracing for the impact of Rhys' body against hers. Except it never came and when she lowered her limbs, she was no longer in the space surrounded by burning bodies. Instead she found herself in a room that resembled the dungeons of Haven.

In the center was a figure chained to the floor. Guards surrounded it, their swords drawn. The Seeker appeared, hands clasped behind her back. Shai felt the blood leave her face as she recognized the moment when she'd awoken to the information that she alone was responsible for the chaos that had rocked the country.

"Do you deny it?" Cassandra asked vehemently. "Do you dare deny your crime?"

Keeping to the perimeter of the room, Shai edged around the guards, eyes glued to her past self where it knelt in chains. There was a door dead ahead and she made for it, relishing in the solid wood beneath her hands when everything that was happening felt so displaced from reality. What was on the other side froze her in place. A doppelgänger of her body sat imposingly on a throne, it's hands gripping the armrests, it's eyes glowing with green fire.

"You dare challenge me?!" She started as her voice came from the doppelgänger, distorted as Rhys's had been. "You dare challenge the power of the Inquisition?!"

The person who was prostrated before the throne raised their hands in a supplicating gesture. "Please your Eminence, have mercy!"

_Your Eminence? No..._

"That isn't me. That would never be me," Shai rasped in horror. Abruptly the scene changed. Her doppelgänger stood with its finger pointed accusingly. Mother Giselle knelt at its feet, thick chains wrapped around her wrists.

"What do you say to your crimes heretic? You know the law and you chose to disobey."

"This is a farce! I demand justice!" The Mother cried.

"Silence!" The doppelgänger lunged forward and grabbed Mother Giselle's chin in a steel like grip, directing her eyes up to its face.

"We will see how well you learn to obey in the Gallows. Take her away!"

"You think people will believe this is me?!" Shai challenged, her hands clenched into fists. Somewhere the demon laughed, it's manic cackling reverberating throughout the air.

"The people fear you. They are already terrified of your magic. This will be believable, I will be believable. The Inquisition will rise to rule all of Thedas. When I'm done, the Elder One will kill you and ascend. Then I will be you!"

"Tell me who that is!"

"Foolish girl. He is between things, mortal once but no longer. You couldn't begin to understand..." The demon's voice died off and Shai's doppelgänger exploded in a puff of sparks, the figures of Mother Giselle and the guards who had been flanking her following suit. A downpour of green flames opened and Shai fell backwards to avoid being burned.

What should have been solid ground beneath her was instead nothing but empty air and she careened through it with a panicked yell, landing hard on a table. The breath whooshed out of her and she saw stars as her head cracked against the wood. A face peered down at her, fuzzy to begin with but its features formed clearly the closer it got.

"Mother?" Shai whimpered, recoiling from Cordelia Trevelyan's glare.

"We can't have her here Ruston. She's a threat."

"She is our daughter! We can't send her away!"

Shai rolled her head to the side, spying her father who stood across from his wife.

"She is a Mage!" Cordelia hissed. "And if you will not fix this, then I will!"

Suddenly strong hands were fixing themselves around Shai's neck and she sputtered beneath the pressure, fighting the force that was choking the life from her. White clouded her vision and just as she felt her body start to sag, the hands were gone and she found herself standing between two rows of trees. The fog was still there, swirling around her feet and around their trunks.

A pair of voices murmured lowly and she investigated. An old man crouched on the ground, his back to her. A soldier in faded gold armor stood next to him, hands resting on the pommel of a sword. It was then she noticed the bodies that hung from the tree's branches. Most were skeletons with only scraps of clothing still left but a few corpses were fresh and bulging eyes looked down at her accusingly, their tongues swollen and protruding from their mouths.

"The Herald marches here next, bringing even more demons," the old man said furiously, getting to his feet. "We can't outlast them."

"We have to try!" The soldier in the armor ascertained. "We can't let them win."

"They already have, my boy," the old man said wearily. "They already have."

Then they both were gone and so were the trees. In their place appeared a battlefield, the moans of the dead and dying filling the air.

"Keep moving! They're coming!" A woman cried and Shai turned. Two soldiers barreled towards her. They stared blindly ahead as they sprinted past, throwing terrified glances over their shoulders and she soon saw why. A small pack of demons was close behind, surging over the ground with claws outstretched.

"No!" Shai leapt into action, throwing a wall of fire between the fleeing soldiers and their pursuers. But her spell didn't even manifest before fizzling and she watched with sickened horror as the demons fell upon their prey.

"Determination? Such a useful trait. But stupid. Accept your fate Herald, accept the will of the Elder One," the demon taunted, it's leering voice surrounding her.

"That will never come to pass!"

"Say what you will, I am Envy and I will know you Herald. Sooner or later, I will be all that's left. Your force cannot match mine. Do you not see how glorious my Inquisition will be?!"

"I see nothing but lies," Shai bit out, shaking at what she was witnessing. There was no way anyone would believe this demon was her, they couldn't possibly! She had friends who knew her, who would know something wasn't right. How could she, the one closing the rifts, suddenly turn into a person that welcomed their existence and the destruction they caused the world?

"You're hurting, helpless, hasty. What happens to the hammer when there are no more nails?"

"Who said that?" Shai turned in a circle. The voice was a new one. It was kind and soft. No demonic tinge tainted it, no evil underscored it. The battlefield on which she stood was fading and more stone walls were appearing in its place.

"What are you? Get out! This is my place!" Envy rebuked savagely. Whoever it was seemed to take the warning to heart and there was no more from them, just the eerie empty noise Shai was becoming accustomed to. The room finished its formation, appearing to be a set of bed chambers.

She went to exit through the door stubbing her toe against a stool that hadn't been there a second earlier. Cursing and hopping on one foot she leaned into the nearest wall, balancing herself while her appendage stopped throbbing.

"Envy is hurting you."

The voice came from beside her and she pitched forward with a surprised yelp, tripping and catching herself on a trunk.

"Mirrors on mirrors on memories. A face it can feel but not fake. I want to help you, not Envy."

"Show yourself!" She demanded shakily. "I've had enough demons for one day."

"I'm not a demon," the voice said. "I've been watching. I'm Cole. We're inside you. Or I am. You're always inside you."

"You're possessing me?"

"No! I'm not a demon! I told you, I'm Cole."

"That's not clearing anything up," Shai growled lowly.

"Then look."

And she did.

++++

Cullen sat staring out at the bleak weather that was just the icing on the cake of this day. The Herald was gone, taken by the Lord Seeker and no one knew how to proceed next, least of all him. They couldn't just up and leave her here, though he wasn't sure she was within the walls of Therinfal anymore. Whatever the Lord Seeker had done when he grabbed her was bad.

 _Good conclusion Rutherford, brilliant really_. His mind was turning on itself in his uselessness. They were all useless, him and Dorian and Rhys. All their skills, their knowledge of the world, everything was absolutely useless. And it grated on his nerves. He wondered briefly whether this was how Shai had felt when he and Dorian disappeared at Redcliffe.

Wondered if she'd been concerned about whether or not he was alive or if he would come back. _Why would she have been?They could have always found another Commander but we can't find another Herald._ He wasn't used to sitting around twiddling his thumbs. He was worried and there was nothing he could physically do to relive that.

The Herald could be dead or trapped somewhere they couldn't reach her and if he had just acted as fast as he had at Redcliffe then at least she would still be here even if he wasn't. _But you came back remember? Some crazy Tevinter Magister sent you into the future and you came back, so why wouldn't she?_ Because whatever the Lord Seeker had become felt a great deal worse than some Mage gone off the deep end with time magic.

Cullen looked up as Rhys and Dorian came up the stairs to him. He was sitting in the exact spot they'd been standing when Shai disappeared, deducing at least one of them should stay put in case she suddenly popped out of thin air. The other two had wanted to search the fortress, look for things that had been missed in the fighting.

What they hadn't said, or what Rhys at least hadn't said, was that Cullen's brooding and glaring, stony silence was less companionable than a bear with a burr up its arse. So they'd excused themselves and promised to be back before too long. He didn't know what they expected of him, sit around and joke with them? The only hope for Thedas was nowhere to be found and she might never be seen again. How was that a situation he could afford to be light in?

"Frozen to the flagstones Commander?"

"What?" Cullen looked at Dorian as if the Mage had grown a second head.

"You haven't moved from that spot and we've been gone a solid hour."

"Oh...I hadn't noticed," he said frowning. He'd been so lost in thought the passing of time had become inconsequential.

"Go on, get up," Dorian motioned with his hands for Cullen to rise. "Go walk around or something but for Maker's sake don't just sit here looking as if the world is about to end."

"It will if we don't get her back," Cullen stated flatly. He sounded overdramatic, even to his own ears, but that would be the ramifications. Unless some other hapless person stumbled into their midst with an identical mark on their hand, the Herald had to return to them.

"Really mate, we'll take it from here," Rhys said from over Dorian's shoulder.

 _Mate? Why is he calling me mate?_   _Why the sudden shift from a contempt filled "Templar" to a casual "mate"?_

"I'd prefer to stay here if it's all the same."

"It really isn't," Dorian drawled. "You look like you're trying to burn a hole through the stone with just that glare alone. We came back didn't we? Who's to say she won't?"

"The Lord Seeker wasn't a Tevinter Magister messing with time control and using a conduit to send the Herald into the future."

"I'm impressed with your summary of our past predicament. That's almost a clinical explanation if I do say so myself."

Dorian's jest fell flat with Cullen and the Mage rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh.

"Alright have it your way. Sit and pout but a walk would do you good. Maybe you'd find some things we missed. Although there wasn't much left to be scavenged, at least nothing useful."

"Found some food that hadn't gone over is about all," Rhys said as he dropped onto the steps and settled himself. "Beyond that, just more bodies in more rooms. Where do you s'pose the ones who did this ran off to?"

It took Cullen a second to realize Shai's friend was speaking directly to him and he blinked in surprise before shaking his head. "Probably to join this Elder One we keep hearing about. He seems to be quite popular with everyone who's letting insanity get the best of them."

Rhys grunted and laced his hands together behind his head, full on reclining though Cullen doubted he could be very comfortable against the hard, cold stone. At least it had stopped raining for the time being. The three men sat in silence broken only by Dorian and Rhys occasionally trading quips about random topics.

Thrice they struck up a rudimentary game of "I Spy" but Dorian always picked the most trivial objects and Rhys soon got very fed up with being thwarted repeatedly with his guesses.

"That isn't even bloody silver! It's brown!" Rhys shouted in irritation, pointing at a broken weapon's rack. Cullen had to agree the wood was most definitely the latter color but Dorian vehemently disagreed.

"No, no, no. You're not looking at it right. See there, in the corner. That's _silver_."

"That's a load of horse shit, mate."

"And if it were, then it would be brown and you would have been correct."

"Bagh!" Rhys threw up his hands then crossed his arms tightly, glaring at his boots.

"Care to play Commander?" Dorian looked up at him, his grey eyes inquisitive. 

"I think you're out of objects with which to play," Cullen said as way of declining the offer.

"Are we? I hadn't noticed. I had at least five more things picked out."

"What, were the cracks in the stone going to be next?" Rhys huffed.

"Actually...yes."

Cullen's lips twitched as Rhys gawked at the Tevinter Mage in disbelief. A low rumble of thunder sounded in the distance and his attention switched to the skies. The grey storm clouds hadn't abated since they'd arrived and only grown heavier. He suspected if they didn't move inside soon they were all going to find themselves drenched again and as he still wasn't completely dry from the last downpour, that prospect didn't sound very appealing.

"We should probably find some cover."

Rhys and Dorian nodded and the three men got to their feet, going off in search of a room that didn't currently hold dead bodies. _Please let her be standing there when we get back_ , Cullen wished silently, unconsciously crossing the fingers of his right hand, a gesture he hadn't done since he was a child.

+++++++

A clap of thunder shook them where they stood and Cullen peered through the window of the tower where they'd taken refuge. He squinted across the rampart against the sheet of rain coming down to see... _no, impossible she's back?!_ His feet were moving before he was conscious he had told them to and they carried him out of the tower, through the storm, and up the stairs to the red doors of the Great Hall that were now standing wide open. He skidded to a stop, almost colliding with the Herald, but she wasn't looking at him. Her gaze was fixed on--

"Maker! What is that?!"

A pale creature with grotesquely long limbs was splayed on its back in the hall's entrance. It's appendages twitched as it righted itself before it bent in a U shape, bringing its face between its legs. Where eyes should've been was only skin criss crossed by deep pockets of raw flesh. A mouth filled with teeth shrieked at them, emitting a shrill challenge.

The Herald barely blinked as she lobbed a twisting ball of fire straight at the creature, blasting it backwards a couple feet. It screeched in pain and tried to scuttle away but she advanced steadily, commanding bolts of lightning to strike in every direction it tried to move. Finally the creature grew tired of retreating and with a frustrated shriek charged towards them.

"Give me your sword," Shai said coldly.

Cullen hesitated for only a second before handing over his weapon. He didn't think she'd be able to lift it, let alone swing it, but she surprised him with the ferocity that backed her stroke as she buried the blade in the side of the creature's neck. It bit so deeply he couldn't even see the silver glint anymore, just bleeding flesh engulfing it. Shai stepped out of the way as the creature crashed to the floor and skidded a couple feet before finally coming to a rest, it's limbs crumpled beneath its body.

"That...was Envy," the Herald stated, her lip curling in distaste at the blackish blood leaking across the floor. "And it was a demon."

She looked none the worse for wear though certainly more exhausted than she'd been before the Lord Seeker had gotten his hands on her. She wasn't injured that he could see so that was a good start.

"What happened?"

But she didn't answer him. Her eyes were glued on something further in the hall and he followed her trajectory. His knees buckled and he kept himself upright at the last minute. He was dimly aware of Rhys and Dorian coming up behind him but that was about it. He was certain he'd gone deaf and that the white noise assaulting his ear drums was what those who had lost the sense of hearing went through their lives with. On another level he was sure his heart had stopped working and he was dying of shock.

What was left of the Templars at Therinfal they hadn't found already lay within the walls of the Great Hall. There had to have been fifty something bodies spread out around the space. They were draped over fallen beams, across the railings of the upper level, and sprawled on the floor. He didn't even know he was moving until he stood in their midst, turning in a slow, lazy circle as his eyes swept over the heaps of bodies.

His mind was, for once, completely blank but it was committing to memory every new Templar on which his gaze lighted. He didn't recognize them, thank the Maker for small graces, but there was still a hole of profound loss opening itself within his chest. And it was growing with every second, threatening to devour him.

"Commander?"

The Herald was standing somewhere nearby by the close sound of her voice but he was rooted to the spot, unable to turn to address her. _How could they all be dead? How?!_ The entire population of Therinfal gone...just like that. The Lord Seeker had killed them all. He'd given them red lyrium and then killed the ones who hadn't followed him into madness. _Maker, how could this have happened?_

"Commander?" Shai got into his line of sight, her face swimming into focus. She was saying something else but all he could see were her lips moving without any sound emitting from them. He studied her features as she spoke, noting the faint dusting of freckles that crossed the bridge of her nose he'd never noticed. She had a small scar on her chin he'd overlooked as well.

And now that she was standing so close to him, he could see her eyes weren't entirely green. There was a thin ring of gold edging her pupils but it was so small it was almost non-existent. He examined her mouth, the way her lips pursed then flattened then pursed again as she said his title. He could hear her husky tone now that he thought about it, but her voice was still far off and sounded as if they were caught in a tunnel with her at one end and he at the other.

"Cullen?"

His hearing came back with a loud rush, like the sound of waves crashing against the shore. He blinked rapidly, his eyes clearing and automatically leaned away from the Herald when he realized he'd been gravitating towards her. She looked worried, slightly pale beneath her nut brown skin, and she was frowning up at him.

"Can you hear me?"

He nodded slowly, his eyes dropping away from her face to sweep over the room again. The closest Templar had his neck broken savagely and it was positioned at such an unnatural angle Cullen's stomach lurched. He felt he would be sick and there was no swallowing the rise of bile. He staggered a step to the left and when the Herald reached a questioning hand to steady him, he started walking faster, stepping over the corpses in his path.

There was another set of doors on the side of the hall and he made for them quickly. His gloved hand settled on the handle as he pulled the right side inward. Air, he just needed air, needed to take deep gulps of it before he emptied the contents of his stomach all over the place.

The Order was gone, _his_ Order was gone, and his chest was being crushed beneath an invisible weight, making it hard to breathe. The door gave way to a hallway and he followed it blindly, seeing light streaming through from an archway ahead. He rounded its corner and stepped into a courtyard.

Cullen took about three more steps before he just couldn't anymore and sank onto a nearby pile of debris. Nausea rolled over him, pulsing deep within his gut, and his thudding pulse was rocking his head with each beat. He saw stars before too long and leaned over, vomiting onto the ground. He took a violent gasp of air and then retched again, his nose and throat burning. It was shock that was making him sick, he reasoned.

Bodies weren't anything new to him even those of comrades. It was the absolute, utter surprise at finding a hall full of dead Templars and his suspicions confirmed that the Order truly had gone under. It was all coming back to him now. The days spent under Meredith's tyranny in Kirkwall, watching the city burn as he tried to keep order because, despite what a good majority thought, the Templars were worth saving. And now they were too late.

The men and women who had needed their help, who had probably barricaded themselves in the hall as a last ditch effort at life, were no more and it was because they hadn't gotten here sooner. Maybe if they had pressed on through the night they would've arrived in time.

Maybe if he hadn't necessitated their stopping because he needed to check the map again only to find they were still on the correct path, they would've been here to stop the carnage. _And maybe we all would've died with them, locked between four sets of stone walls with no way out._ He pushed himself away from his patch of sick and rubbed the back of his hand across his mouth before spitting to the side.

It was then he became aware he wasn't alone. Instinctively he reached for his sword only to remember Shai had it still. Cursing himself mentally he went to reach for the dagger in his boot. A pair of hands settled on his shoulders and squeezed hard then lips came next to his ear.

"Don't move."

 _The Herald_. His eyes closed briefly in relief that it was she who had followed him out here though he didn't know what else he expected to be behind him. Perhaps whatever had killed the Templars?

"Herald I--"

"Cullen don't move."

He bit his tongue and swallowed his next words. _What was going on?_ He wanted to crane his neck and look at her, glean some sort of clue from her expression but she gripped him harder when he went to turn around.

"If you value our lives, stay still."

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he stiffened.

"On my count...we need to get back inside."

"What's going on?" He said out of the side of his mouth, pitching his voice low.

"No time. On my count...now!"

Her hands left his shoulders and he whirled to see her taking off at a dead sprint to the archway that led back towards the hall. His boots slapped against the earth as he followed and a primeval growl hastened his pace. _What was that?!_ They rounded the corner one right after the other and the door to the hall was just ahead. The Herald leapt through it, moving to the side to allow him entrance.

He skidded to a stop before trampling over a dead Templar, bracing his hands on his thighs as he got his breath back. It wasn't in his best interests to throw up and then promptly jostle his stomach further and for a second the ground wavered.

"What--what...?" He panted, straightening up only when he was sure he wouldn't commence puking again. Shai set to work blocking off the way they had just come, her actions performed with the utmost haste.

"Do you mind explaining what in the Void is going on?" Cullen asked as the sounds of debris being shuffled about rose in the hall interior.

"You didn't see them." Shai said but it was more statement than a question.

"See what?"

"Those things in the courtyard. I can't believe you would have gone in there if you had."

"What things?! I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Look Commander, I don't know how to describe them." Shai grunted as she dropped a beam she'd been dragging in front of the door, effectively blocking it from opening. "I think they were Templars, I could feel the lyrium in them."

"If they're surviving members then what are we doing in here?!" Cullen demanded, ready to start tearing the half built barricade apart.

"Last time I checked Templars don't grow spikes from their backs!" Shai burst out, fisting her hands on her hips and puffing a loose strand of hair out of her face. "They also don't radiate lyrium in a visible cloud around them and it certainly shouldn't be red!"

Her words stole the air from his lungs and Cullen gaped. The ones the Lord Seeker had fed the corrupted lyrium to...they were still here?

"How--how many of them?" He choked, his voice cracking. The Herald shook her head and dragged a hand over her face.

"At least seven in the courtyard from what I could see. I don't know why they didn't attack."

"Probably waiting for our backs to be turned," Cullen surmised remembering the feral growl that had greeted their flight back into the hall.

"Whatever they're doing, we need to get out of here before they come through the doors."

"No," he said abruptly, his mind made up. 

"No?" Shai looked as if she'd never heard an idea so dumb before, her eyes practically bugging from her head.

"If what you're truly seeing is the corrupted Templars, I'm not leaving them to fate." He would cut them down before he left them to their own devices; he needed to feel his blade biting into them. He would do it for himself and for all the broken bodies he'd been stepping over throughout Therinfal. 

"Have you lost your fucking mind?!"

"What's going on?" Dorian and Rhys asked subsequently, casting confused glances between him and the Herald.

"The Templars who took the red lyrium? They're out there." Shai vaguely waved at the door behind her. "And he," she pointed a finger accusingly. "Wants to go get rid of them."

"That's smart," Rhys conceded and both Cullen and the Herald gaped at him.

"What?" He asked, wrinkling his nose at their obvious disbelief. "I think it's a logical idea. We can't just leave them to run around and wreak havoc, aye? Why not off the bastards and be done with it?"

"Because you haven't seen what they've become. I don't even know if we can kill them," Shai stated with vindication. 

"Hogwash," Dorian snorted. "Everything can be killed. You just have to find their weakness."

"Not so sure those things have one," Shai said, throwing a cautious glance at the door. "And in any case there's tons more of them than there are of us."

"Then we'll just have to take them one at a time," Dorian reasoned. "But of course with the utmost caution. I don't fancy dying in this forgotten place."

"So...who wants to lead?" Rhys asked, clapping his hands together and rubbing them in anticipation though the way his mouth was set in a grim line indicated he wasn't much looking forward to either.

"I will," Cullen said with solid vindication. He didn't care if the Templars in the courtyard had been tricked into taking the corrupted lyrium. They, he was undoubtedly sure, were responsible for the many good members that had been lost and lay all around him. And they would be the first to go.

++++

Shai had never seen someone fight like they were possessed. Cullen struck down red Templars tirelessly. His fighting would've almost looked effortless if it weren't for the sweat coating his face or the forceful grunts that escaped his lips as he cut into a new enemy. Watching him in the Great Hall had pulled at something inside her.

He'd looked so lost when she'd finally wedged herself into his face to see if he was registering her calling to him. The decimated Order had been a surprise to her too. She was hardly expecting a mass grave to be awaiting them but she was slowly learning to drop all expectations as far as being Herald was concerned. Far too many things went wrong to try and guess what was coming next.

The red Templars were scrappy fighters, that was for sure. It took nearly all of them combining their strength to take down some of the bulkier ones and one Templar per person was even a struggle. The mutated lyrium certainly gave them a distinct edge and they swung their weapons faster, fired arrows without tiring. It was exhausting just trying to keep free of their attacks and Shai was hobbling on a recently sprained ankle, working to keep space between her and a red horror.

The amount of fade steps she was employing just to keep her in the fight were sapping most of her mana, leaving none really left to actually cast spells. Rhys and Dorian weren't faring much better from what she could see.The former was swearing heavily, blood coating the lower half of his face from a bruised and continuously swelling broken nose.

She'd watched him spit out a molar a while back, the result of a very forceful repost to the face from an archer he'd underestimated. Dorian, meanwhile, was gushing blood from a cut bisecting his forehead and the front of his robes was covered in mud from being knocked to the ground a couple times over. He was starting to lose the finesse he normally cast with and embers floated lazily in the air as his spells connected with all sorts of objects. 

 _Maker let this be all that we find in here. This can't possibly get any worse,_ she wished as she strategically led the lumbering horror over a fire rune. Her spell didn't let her down and she was reprieved of one more enemy though there were at least five more to finish off. She noticed Cullen refusing to back down despite the two red Templars taking turns swinging at him and she hurried to provide reinforcement. 

"I've got your back!" She called and he immediately abandoned his left flank, letting her fill the spot instead. Rather than try for a charged spell in such close fighting, Shai put her concentration on keeping barriers around them both. The Templars were growing more frustrated with every second now that their swords weren't connecting with anything but thin air and she knew the moment she let her guard down, they'd be on them.

It made her shiver but she gritted her teeth and kept herself focused, ignoring how weak she was starting to feel from unending barriers. Her ankle was throbbing sharply and the fact she had her feet planted at a weird angle wasn't helping the injury. It would be a miracle if it didn't give entirely within the next couple minutes and sacrifice both she and Cullen subsequently. 

"We need to pull back!" Rhys shouted but she didn't dare turn to see where he was. 

"Get them off us!" Shai returned, grunting as a shooting thread of white, hot pain lanced through her temple. She was over exerting herself and it wasn't going to end prettily. 

"Watch yourselves!"

Seconds later a sheet of fire rose up from the ground narrowly missing taking off Cullen's eyebrows. The red Templars gave identical shouts of surprise and scurried backwards, tripping over themselves as they tried to beat out the flames consuming their clothing. 

"Come on!" Shai grabbed Cullen's arm and tugged when he started to go after the retreating Templars. He gave her a sharp look that coursed over her body and softened slightly as he took in her frazzled state. He spared a last glance towards the Templars, his lip curling in a snarl, before complying with the group.

They dodged the remaining enemies they had yet to fell and crashed through a door. Shai cried out as she tripped over something in the dimness of the room they found themselves in. Her knee connected with the floor as her ankle twisted savagely and tears pricked her eyes. She rolled onto her side, pulling her injured leg to her chest.

Her fingers shakily reached down to prod around her foot, fearing she'd somehow find a bone poking through her skin because there was no way that twist hadn't been a break. But she felt nothing out of the ordinary and groaned with relief that was short lived as banging sounded against the door and the wood reverberated with the force. 

"Probably shouldn't stay here," Dorian concluded quickly. 

"I can't...I don't think I can walk," she gasped, blinking and feeling the tears leak from her eyes. 

"Can you at least stand?" Cullen knelt beside her and gentle hands slid themselves under her shoulders to ease her up. 

"I don't know. I can try." 

Shai helped him pull her up the best she could but ultimately knew she was quite useless. Her good foot couldn't get a decent enough purchase to actually support her body but it wasn't like Cullen was having a hard time of it. He righted her easily, moving his hand to hold around her waist as she gingerly put weight on her injured ankle. It took but a fraction of a second for her to conclude she was out of commission as her appendage buckled. The whimper she'd been holding escaped as she grasped with flailing hands to keep herself from falling. Her fingers met a cold cuirass as arms encircled her.

"I've got you." 

Shai swallowed audibly and nodded though she was pretty sure the Commander couldn't see that motion with how dark their surroundings were. Only small slivers of light came in from boarded over windows stationed well out of reach. For all intents and purposes, they were trapped and from the ruckus the red Templars were making as they tried to reach them, they'd better think fast unless they wanted to be torn limb from limb. 

"Someone give me a light," Cullen ordered and a flame flickered into existence. It illuminated not very much but Shai could see they were in a store room of sorts. Stacks of crates were placed haphazardly around and planks of wood lay grouped together on the floor. She noted the closest one was probably what she'd fallen over. 

"Look for an exit." 

The flame, which was attached to Rhys's staff, weaved and bobbed as it's owner did a quick perimeter check. It hovered in one place for a few moments before moving on and then circling back. 

"Nothing mate. I think the way we came is the only way in or out." 

"Fuck," Dorian muttered and it was the first time Shai could remember him foregoing a swear in Tevene. 

"What do we do?" She asked no one in particular, her voice watery as she swallowed back a fresh onslaught of frustrated and frightened tears that threatened to overspill at their hopeless predicament. _This can't be the end, this can't be what it all comes down to_. 

"We need a plan," Cullen surmised. "The Heralds injured so that leaves us with just three against however many more of those things we have yet to encounter."

"I can still cast," she offered weakly, not wanting to be written off as a foregone conclusion. 

"Unless we get you stationed somewhere they can't touch you, you're not going to be much use to anyone," Cullen sighed and she knew he was right but still felt a bubble of anger well in her chest, fueled by the rising fear she was trying to keep suppressed. 

"So what, I'm just a liability now?" 

"I did not say that!"  

"Hey! Let's try not to lose our heads shall we?" Rhys cut in, demanding everyone's attention. "We've got about five minutes--and I'm being generous--before those things come through that door and we can all kiss our asses goodbye, alright? So everyone shut up and think for a second." 

The room fell silent and it was almost possible to hear the individual wheels turning per mind. The ominous sound of the Templars trying to break through made Shai's heartbeat spike and she involuntarily crowded closer to Cullen, whose arm tightened around her as it held her up. She had a brief second of leaving the current moment to wonder when exactly the majority of their animosity had fled before she was mulling over different possibilities for an impromptu escape.   

"I'm afraid I'm drawing a blank," Dorian declared apologetically after a few minutes. 

"You and me both, mate." 

"There has to be another way out," Cullen said but he sounded bleak beneath his drummed up conviction. 

"It doesn't look that way," Dorian sighed and Shai heard him settle on a crate. "As someone so poetically put it, we might need to prepare to kiss our asses goodbye. Unless..." 

He broke off suddenly and Shai's ears perked up. Beside her she felt Cullen stiffen with hope and couldn't help but squeeze his arm reflexively as the same emotion thrummed through her. 

"Yeah? What is it?" Rhys prodded impatiently. The pounding from the Templars was growing louder with every second and Shai flinched with every bang that fell upon the door. She expected the wood to split at any second and her heart was in her throat. 

"Maybe it's not so much of us getting out as them getting in. Hear me on this." Dorian held his hands up for patience. "We go out there, we'll be massacred. There are five of them versus four of us, three actually. Sorry my dear." 

Shai acknowledged his apology with a wave of her hand. 

"Even then, they don't go down easily. We'd probably be torn apart almost instantaneously and I don't know about you, but I'm quite fond of keeping my body intact. But if we were to let them in, we control the flow of battle." 

A pondering silence met his conclusion and Shai's brows drew together in confusion. Letting the Templars in sounded a lot like suicide. 

"It could work," Cullen said almost to himself and Shai's head jerked to look at him. He was staring in concentration at the door separating them from imminent death and perusing the area around it. "They can't all fit through at once, which leaves us time to pick them off one by one provided we do it quickly. It's dark in here, and that gives us the distinct advantage. It's an entirely plausible strategy but it leaves far too much room for failure." 

"Which will not happen because we aren't going to fail," Dorian cut in. "The key is to think positively. It does wonders for motivation." 

"Personally I think envisioning being ripped apart by those things is motivation enough," Rhys said drily. 

"How do we want to do this?" Shai put them back on track, taking leave of Cullen to settle on the crate next to Dorian. The Commander looked at them watching him expectantly. 

"What?" 

"You're the man with the plan, mate." 

"Dorian came up with it." 

"Nonsense! All I did was voice my conjectures. You're the one who said it would work, so make the magic happen, figuratively speaking of course."  

Cullen sighed harshly and rubbed at the back of his neck as three pairs of eyes sat glued to him. 

"Alright. We need to funnel them to us, not leave them room to get in and spread out. Our best hope is to divide and conquer and we'll have to hit them with everything we've got. We'll have the element of surprise for the first few seconds but it won't last long past that. Dorian and Rhys, you'll be our front line. I'll cover you and catch anything that slips past. And Herald..." He trailed off speculatively and Shai raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to say that she would just need to make herself scarce. 

"Herald I need you out of the way but in the fight, which means behind me. You'll be our last line of defense. Anything I don't get is going to be your responsibility. Maker willing, we won't have to use you for more than a reinforcement." 

She nodded, both relieved she was being allowed to contribute and wracked with nerves her injury would be the final nail in their coffin. 

"Let's get this party started," Rhys grumbled as he and Dorian took their positions. The floor glowed ominously then faded back to dim as each Mage inscribed runes upon the dusty planks. Shai set a few of her own, cautioning Cullen to stay behind their perimeter and avoid detonating them. 

"Thanks," he tossed over his shoulder. She mumbled a reply, her tongue sticking to the roof of her suddenly bone-dry mouth. Her palms were slicked with sweat as they gripped her staff, and she kept flexing her fingers around the length of it. She felt like she might throw up but swallowed the rise of bile that worked its way up her throat. Her eyes were glued to the door, heartbeat spiking with every second it didn't crash inward. The anxiety of waiting was getting to her and she was shaking unconsciously. 

"We'll be fine." Cullen's voice cut through her haze of worry and her eyes didn't leave the door but her attention shifted to him.  

"I know."

"I was just--your mana is all. I can feel it getting uh--I just wanted to calm--nothing, I'll keep them off you." 

She watched him return his focus to the task at hand and opened her mouth to say something but at that moment the splintering of wood echoed through the room. A fist shattered it's way through the door, sending shards and splinters flying in all directions. 

"Steady," Cullen growled. Dorian and Rhys tensed their shoulders, widening their stances. Shai readied a barrier to enshroud them, her fingers tingling as her mana pooled ready to be released. The fist withdrew then punched through in a new spot. Weak light streamed through the two holes and a face lowered itself to peer through at them. It's eyes burned the sickening red shade of lyrium and Shai inhaled sharply. 

"Hold," Cullen commanded steadily as the face withdrew. They waited with baited breath for the axe to fall, for the door to fly in, but it never did. Instead something much worse came. Dorian sniffed experimentally as a crackling filled the air. 

"Is that...is something burning?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me tell ya, I struggled with how to make this quest different other than what people went to Therinfal with the Herald so yeah that was my attempt continued in the next chapter.


	13. From the Inferno

His knees bit into the dirt as Cullen collapsed on the ground. The Herald landed next to him, coming down on her ankle and biting off her cry of pain. It transformed into a low groan as she rolled over onto her back. 

"Sor--Maker, sorry," he coughed, pounding a fist against his chest where it only encountered his cuirass and rebounded off, leaving his hand smarting from the contact. 

"S'okay," Shai choked. "Not your--" her words broke off into a fit of violent coughing,"--fault," she finally finished.

Cullen nodded then bent forward and started hacking his own lungs up, trying to clear them. He heard a thump as Rhys dropped down next to Shai and then another as Dorian presumably joined them. Disjointed coughing filled the air for the next few minutes and Cullen's eyes soon streamed tears. He would've wiped them except he knew there would only be more to replace the ones he dashed away. So he let them remain. _We're alive. Maker, we're alive_. 

"Is everyone ok?" Dorian sounded strangled but still audible and Cullen raised his forehead off the ground where he'd been pressing it into the grass. His lungs were still far from cleared but breathing was manageable. He looked at the Mage, blinking away residual tears. Dorian's face was soot streaked as were his robes but Cullen knew his person wasn't much better off. In fact they were all covered in the black matter from head to toe with barely an exposed body part remaining untouched. 

"Doing just fine." Rhys made a hacking noise then spit a giant glob of phlegm into the space beside him, narrowly missing the Herald's hand. She recoiled with a disgusted noise, leaning against Cullen  as she shrank away from her friend. 

"Watch it!" 

"Sorry, can't help it." Rhys hacked again and this time Shai scrambled for cover, nearly rolling over Cullen in her haste. He scooted a bit on his hands and knees obligingly, giving her more room. When she was sure she wouldn't be spit on anytime soon, she collapsed back down on her stomach, eyes closed and breathing in shallow respirations. Cullen chanced a look over his shoulder, feeling just a sad, numb acceptance at the sight. 

Flames engulfed an eastern turret of Therinfal and he thanked the Maker again they weren't caught in that because for more than a moment he'd been convinced they were going to die. The air had been thick with smoke and everyone commenced to coughing, fighting the poison invading their lungs, backing as far away from the flames licking around the door as possible.

Eventually those brightly colored tendrils entered the room in full and reached out to the occupants, beckoning they come closer. Cullen had drawn the cloth part of his mantle over his nose and mouth, trying to save himself from the worst of the smoke. But he'd still been choking on it, barely able to breathe, his throat starting to burn and the panic of slow suffocation setting in.

The Mages had worked to waylay the fire with various ice spells to buy them precious time but it was clear to all they were fighting a losing battle. Cullen had made peace with this world, fully convinced they were going to die trapped and cornered, burned alive until there was nothing left of them but ash and charred bone. Pinpricks of fear had shot through his body, making his fingers tingle and his blood run cold. His teeth had started to chatter unconsciously and he'd made a concentrated effort to still them. At some point a pair of hands had encircled his arm and looking down he'd discovered the Herald clinging to him, though he doubted she knew she was doing so. 

His heart had been practically throwing itself against his rib cage, hammering relentlessly, when by mistake he discovered a weakened part of the wall they'd crowded against. From there it was a startled shout of hope, a couple quick shield bashes, and they'd been stumbling into an adjoining store room that was thankfully clear for the moment. And rapidly they'd made their way back down to the lower half of Therinfal, chests and legs burning with exertion as they sprinted to the bailey where they'd left the horses.

The Herald had been in no shape to keep up with them and Cullen's shoulder had soon grown strained with trying to support her weight and carry it along with his own. So he'd swept her off her feet--literally--and ignored her protests that he put her down immediately. He knew being cradled against a steel cuirass and jostled about was wildly uncomfortable but it was either that or slow the group down and he wasn't having any of the latter. 

He'd never felt the amount of relief he did when he saw Therinfal's open portcullis and the stone bridge leading to absolute safety beyond that. The horses, smart beasts that they were, had already beaten them out of the fortress, leaving no trace behind except for a multitude of overlapping hoof prints and he'd hoped they hadn't gone too far. He'd stumbled across the bridge with Shai still in his arms even though he probably could have relinquished her to walk with his assistance.

He hadn't stopped running until his boots had finally sunk into grass. Then and only then did he let himself collapse, trying to set the Herald down softly but accidentally dropping her onto her injury, no less. He hoped he hadn't hurt her ankle anymore than it already was but surmised if he did, it was probably nothing Adan wouldn't have a proper fix for back at Haven. 

"Are you alright?" He asked, clearing his throat from the obstruction that had lodged itself there. It seemed to take a moment for Shai to realize he was addressing her personally, but she turned her head, eyes looking up at him from the ground. 

"Nothing too bad." She offered a shaky smile and he was once again struck by the fact she was looking at him with anything other than contempt. 

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to drop you like that. Maker that was stupid of me." He felt himself blushing beneath the soot that covered his face thinking of how ungracefully he'd deposited her on the ground. Clearly his Templar training hadn't exactly prepped him for rescuing damsels in distress, though Shai was anything but that. Most of the time he got the impression she could be staring down a dragon completely unfazed, ready to handle the whole situation on her own.  

"Don't worry Commander, I think I'll manage."

"Venhedis, I think I'm dying!" Dorian groaned loudly and Cullen raised his gaze enough to watch the Mage curl himself into a ball. 

"You're not the only one," Rhys answered just as miserably, one arm clasped tightly around his middle and the other bracing himself against the ground. "I think I'm gonna be sick." 

"Well take it somewhere else if you are," the Herald snapped without turning to face her friend. Rhys grumbled something that sounded like a few choice curses but crawled a ways away, though the sound of him retching and heaving still filtered over. 

"Maker...I think I'm going to be next."

Dorian vaulted up suddenly and took off at a haphazard gate, never truly getting his feet under him and coming to fall directly next to Rhys. The Tevinter Mage's frame shook as his own noises joined the cacophony of sick sounds already circulating. Cullen grimaced and looked away, concentrating on taking deep breaths through his nose lest he too join them in emptying the contents of his stomach. Not that there would be much to empty since he'd already had his bout of being sick. 

He was still stuck within the euphoric feeling of cheating death as he rolled to a sitting position. He felt dazed and like he wasn't completely within his body. His eyes fixed on the ground just in front of him and stayed rooted to the same spot, un-focusing after a few minutes and glazing over. Something loud collapsed and looking up he saw the eastern tower within Therinfal gone and the fire spreading to other parts of the fortress. _So much for stone not burning_ , he thought blankly. 

"It's probably time to go," the Herald said quietly from next to him. She'd sat up as well and had her bad ankle stretched out. Her boot was still on but Cullen could see the leather was stretched around the swelled joint. 

"Maybe it'll help to take that off."

"What?" 

"Your boot." He indicated her footwear with a nod. "Your ankle's swelling and keeping it constrained like that isn't helping. It needs to be properly wrapped." 

"Didn't know you were a healer in your spare time." 

"I'm not! I mean I'm not Adan or an expert--that's obvious--but I'm informed, well no actually I wouldn't go that far. I'm just--Maker, I've had a sprained ankle before is all." _There, how come you couldn't just spit that thought out to begin with?_  

"Commander." Her hand landed on his shoulder. "Relax, I'm kidding. I appreciate the concern." 

"Uh...you're welcome?" 

Shai's face screwed up slightly at the lilt in his voice that made him sound unsure. 

"No! Wait I'm sorry. That wasn't supposed to be a question." Cullen wanted to kick himself for putting his foot in his mouth yet again. He was just caught off guard by the sincerity in her tone. "What I meant was...you're welcome Herald." 

She gave him a brief smile and held out her hand, which he stared at in perplexity. _Am I...am I supposed to take it?_ He was a second away from doing just that when she saved him the embarrassment his misinterpretation would've wrought. 

"Help me up?"

"Of course."

He pushed to his feet and reached down to grip her forearm, closing his fingers around her clothed skin. He pulled her up a little too forcefully and was surprised at how quickly her body came towards him. She was rather light for someone who stood a little taller than the average woman he encountered. Granted she wasn't looking him eye to eye, but neither was he towering over her in his six feet, two inches.

Shai's hand connected with his cuirass as she braced herself in the wake of the sudden motion, her body neatly lined up perfectly with his. He realized how close to him she was when he could pick up her smell beneath the residual ones of smoke and battle that dusted all of them. It was honeysuckle mixed with a lighter scent, something powdery and intrinsically feminine. It was unique and for a second he caught himself wavering dangerously close to leaning into her. 

"Well I think I'll survive." 

Cullen jumped backwards and noticed the Herald did the same, or as much as her ankle would allow. _Had she been gravitating towards me too?_ Dorian had returned with Rhys in tow, both men dusting off their robes and breeches from the blades of grass that clung stubbornly to the fabric. 

"I've had quite enough excitement to last me in the past couple days so please do tell me your home of Haven is a relaxing, island paradise," the Tevinter Mage implored. Shai bit her lip and snorted.

"I hope you like snow is all I can say." 

"Wonderful." Dorian sounded as far from elated as Cullen suspected a person could get. 

"We're heading out then?" Rhys wiped the back of his hand briskly across his mouth, clearing the residue of bile from his lips. 

"We're heading home," Cullen stated, feeling hollow at the words even though they should've brought him some sort of comfort. Haven would at least be a well of familiar faces. But they would be pressing him for details about Therinfal and Redcliffe, wanting to wring every inch of information from him they could until he was a dried up shell. And he wasn't looking forward to any of it. 

"Let's get moving. We still have to find the horses. Dorian can you do anything for this?" Shai gestured downward at her leg and the Tevinter squinted speculatively. 

"Well I'm by no means the glorified rank of Knight-Enchanter but I could probably mend it enough for the ride." 

"You fixed my nose decently," Cullen put in. 

"Oh about that. It was only a numbing spell, something they teach even the most juvenile of apprentices. I meant to warn you earlier it would start to wear off after a couple days. Hence the 'have someone fix this correctly as soon as possible.' " 

"You never said that!"

"I didn't?" Dorian paused and his eyes flicked upward as he tsked at himself. "Well I meant to. Nasty business broken noses." 

Cullen made a noise of discontent in the back of his throat. _'Meant to,' my arse!_  

"Ok well, if need be, Dorian you can attend to the Commander's nose again until we get back and he can see a proper healer, no offense. But my ankle?" Shai reminded. 

"Oh right, sorry. My apologies." 

The Tevinter bent to attend to his task and Cullen automatically slipped an arm around the Herald's waist as she extended her leg. He tried to tell himself it was strictly for support and nothing more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOS this chapter ate me alive. I had no idea how to finish this and move the group back to Haven for the rest of the festivities so sorry if its the crappiest one so far. There'll be more Cullen inner thoughts on Therinfal since this didn't really get into them


	14. Homecoming

Shai sat on the bridge outside Haven, the moonlight spilling across her. They'd arrived back from Therinfal hours ago but it felt like an eternity since all of that had happened. Cullen was distinctly distant on the ride home, barely talking, barely acknowledging any of them. He functioned, completed normal actions, but he wasn't actually with any of them mentally.

More than once she'd debated offering to talk to him about what happened, but decided against it. He would most definitely reject that and what's more they weren't friends, just comrades who had slept together once. That didn't make them comfortable with each other and that sure as hell didn't make her a confidante for whatever he wanted to unburden himself of. Her cheeks had flushed with embarrassment for a good ten minutes after thinking up that plan.  

But she'd been wrestling with her own thoughts on the way back to Haven, replaying the encounter with the Envy demon over and over. Her as a tyrant was something that ate away at her conscious. She could see it happen so easily and that scared her. The people were convinced she was some sort of hero, some savior come to rescues them all. How easy would it be to convince them to follow some twisted regime that would end up leading them all to self destruction? She knew there would be a way to do it that wouldn't  evoke suspicion until it was too late.

And all of that had been boiling inside her head with each passing day. Then the thoughts of the Elder One had joined the party of emotions to keep her up late at night tossing and turning. Who was he and more importantly what was he? The Envy demon had made him sound not human.

Which wasn't good because she only knew how to kill a few things, and humans were on that very short list followed next by demons and thirdly by bears. If he was anything else...well she didn't want to think about that. 

Shai sighed and leaned her head back against the bridge wall. She sat on its floor, knees drawn up to her chest. The mark on her hand flared and she looked at it, eyes un-focusing as her gaze stayed glued to the green tear in her skin. Above her the Breach still swirled in the sky, a constant reminder she wasn't done yet and might never be. What if they couldn't close it?

All they had were the Mages and a few Templars. Not nearly the numbers they'd expected to find at Therinfal and return with. What if that wasn't enough? What if their efforts failed and the Breach stayed? What then? Would they execute her as an imposter? _Well that wouldn't be fair considering I wasn't the one to stick the title of Herald on my own fucking name._

They'd turn on her for sure, she had no doubts there. The people would be angry but over that they would be scared and they would look for someone to pin it on. And there she would be, a sitting duck. She felt a prick of bitter, frustrated tears at the thought of being looked at as the enemy again and sniffed them away. It wasn't like she was friends with the whole of Haven, but it was her home now.

The Ostwick circle was a thing of the past as was her time spent at her family's estate before her Mage abilities had grown too big. As much as she hated the draftiness of her cabin and the cold, wooden floors that were the first thing to greet her bare feet in the morning, it was home.

And she didn't have anywhere else to go. So she really hoped the Breach would close itself as soon as her mark came into contact with it. Because if it didn't...she should probably think about packing her bags now. 

"Pondering on some of life's greatest mysteries, love?" 

Shai jumped at Rhys's voice. She hadn't heard him approach and he settled next to her without invitation, jostling her shoulder lightly with his own. They'd gotten over their tiff on the road as soon as they'd left the partially burning fortress of Therinfal behind, their usual good natured relations resuming. 

"You've been pretty silent lately." 

"Really? I hadn't noticed," she said, raising her eyebrows briefly. Rhys shook his head.

"Can you just let someone else in for one minute Shailene? I mean Maker, it's not like I want to be out here freezing my balls off for the heck of it." 

"Don't be so dramatic." 

"I'm serious! They're cold as ice." 

"Really didn't need to know that."

"You know what's gonna freeze off next is my--" 

"Nope!" 

Shai clapped her hands over her ears, hearing the muffled laughter of her friend.

"I'm just kidding Shailene." Rhys subsided into intermittent chuckles, craning his neck back to look at the night sky. "You know you've got a pretty nice set up here." 

"Haven?" 

"No, the bridge." 

She gave him a shove. "Ass."

"You love it." 

"Don't make me regret bringing you along."

"You'd miss me too much if I left." 

"I know," she said quietly, surprising him. She didn't know why but she felt like crying all of a sudden. The last couple weeks on the road had laid a mountain of stress on her she hadn't been feeling so far. Closing the Breach had never been a joke to her but she'd been able to overlook the consequences if she failed because, for the most part, they were only speculation.

But now after Redcliffe and the destruction of the Order at Therinfal and the mention of the Elder One at both and the Envy demon...she had been given a very clear picture of what would happen if she didn't succeed. And it was absolutely bone chilling. What's more she felt like an executioner's axe was positioned directly above her head and dropped a little lower each time she went on a mission, waiting for her time to run out. And when she didn't save Thedas-- _no, don't think like that, it's all an if right now, not a when_. 

"Hey...hey, Shailene easy." 

Rhys's arms came around her shoulders and he squeezed her to him. She went willingly, letting him tuck her head under his chin. They'd never been the touchy-touchy type of friends, preferring to lapse into the common bond siblings shared of shoves that secretly meant affection, and verbal jabs. Consequently, it was all the more prolific when they actually shared a moment and just leaned on each other for support. 

"You've gotta breathe, love. You sound like you're suffocating." 

Shai opened her mouth and took a deep breath in, her body shuddering as she exhaled. Rhys hugged her a little tighter and rested his cheek on the top of her head. The current of friendship running between them ran deep, and she still had a hard time believing they'd actually reconnected. Fate had dealt out some interesting cards at Redcliffe, the least of which wasn't her best friend in the Ostwick circle--no, nearly her only friend there--coming back from the supposed dead. His scent of mint mixed with the air of the night enveloped her as warmly as any blanket could. 

He didn't press her to say anything, just held her as she came back to herself. It helped, him not asking her to talk about the thoughts that were running over each other inside her head. It gave her time to sort them out, categorize them, and lock them away in their individual compartments to come back to later when the timing was better. And by the time she placed her hands against his chest indicating she was ready to sit up on her own, Shai felt worlds better. It was going to work out, if not tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next month, it was going to work out at some point.

And it was going to be okay even if she had to spend the rest of her life as the Herald. But she would really prefer that didn't happen because the responsibility and stress would probably do her in faster than any enemy's blade. Also, it irritated her to no end that no one in Haven could seem to wrap their heads around how to pronounce the one bloody syllable that was her actual name--

"Happy thoughts, Shailene, happy thoughts," she coached under her breath, dragging a hand over her face. Her eyes flicked up to the Breach and she sighed heavily. It would be a lot easier to take everything in stride if that fucking hole wasn't always there glaring down at her. 

"You know, its kinda pretty from far away." 

"What, that?" Shai twisted around to look Rhys squarely in the eye. "Seriously? The thing that put this mark on my hand, it's pretty to you?" 

"I mean--"

"The thing that's constantly spitting out demons? You think there's something even remotely pretty about it?" 

"Just an observation, love." He held his hands up in surrender. 

"Yeah, good one," Shai muttered. 

"Look, it just came to me and I didn't think it through and...and now you're mad," he finished with a sigh. "I'm sorry I--I'll go..." 

She grabbed his hand before he could fully stand and tugged him back down. She truly wasn't that offended by his comment, just a little shocked. "No, don't leave. It's not the worst thing I've ever heard you say." 

Rhys snorted loudly. "That is very true." 

They sat in silence watching the Breach swirl and mix with the regular black of the sky, although the area directly around it remained light as day. _If it wasn't spewing demons left and right it would be kinda cool to watch_ , Shai thought. _And if it wasn't connected to the mark that's slowly killing me..._ She hadn't forgotten what Cassandra had said when the Seeker first dragged her up the mountain to the temple: _your mark is spreading and it is killing you_ , or something to that effect.

At the time she'd been too dazed to really contemplate those words, letting them go in one ear and then out the other. But the more times she used the mark to close rifts she could feel it deep in her veins. Where before just her palm had burned, now her whole arm was set on fire every time the green slash flared to life.

And she didn't want to admit it, least of all to herself, but her chest was starting to succumb to the feeling as well. She wondered if it would reach her heart soon and stop it cold. Would she even get a sixth sense that death was about to happen though? Or would she be closing a rift one minute and then dead the next? Or would she not even get to another rift, would the Breach be the last?

It was huge and the plan was to pour as much power as possible into her in the hopes the mark would feed on it. Would that overload her finally? Would she burst into a million different pieces? Combust on the spot? Would it be painful or over so fast there was no time to feel anything? 

She dropped her gaze down to her left hand. The tear on her palm was quiet for now, barely glowing, but she always knew it was there. She lost herself in examining the finite details of the mark. Up until now she hadn't really wanted to take much time to look at it, accepting it as the bad luck it was. But now she felt she would much rather want to know her killer. She twisted her hand around, looking at it from different angles. 

"Does it hurt?" Rhys asked as he watched her. 

"Not at the moment, no. It doesn't usually when I'm not using it." 

"But when you do?" 

Shai drew her bottom lip between her teeth. "Yeah," she answered. "It feels like my whole arm's got pins and needles in it. It used to be just my hand, but it's spread." 

"Can't anyone do anything about it? You know like the healer?"

"Adan has potions and that's about it. Solas can put wards around it but--"

"That's the elf, doesn't talk much, just stares?" 

"One of the elves," she corrected. "Sera's the other one." 

"And she talks...a lot." 

"Yeah," Shai grinned. "That's her." 

"But the wards, they're not curing anything just numbing right?" 

"Pretty much. And they make me feel sick and out of it so I prefer him not to set them. I can get by with potions well enough, I just have to down about four per day, which isn't awful but sometimes I forget and I'm out on a mission without them so I just have to tough it out until we get back to Haven. Chewing elfroot in the field alleviates the pain a bit but it's nowhere near as helpful." 

Rhys ran a hand through his hair, dislodging a few strands that fell down to frame his face. "That sounds like a rather shitty lot, love."

"You have no idea. I can't even remember what it was like not having this on my hand, that's what's crazy. It's what everyone identifies me with now. Sometimes I feel like it's more of a person than I am." She grimaced and flipped her palm face down against her leg so she didn't have to look at the mark any further. 

"Well...that's bloody fucked up." 

"You don't know the half of it." 

"Do you ever think of just leaving?" Rhys asked after a few minutes. The moon had completely risen to sit just above them and it banished all the shadows that had been on his face previously. His eyes were a bright silver in its light as they flitted over Shai's face, gauging her reaction to the question. She knew her eyebrows had shot up to her hairline and her mouth was slightly agape. Which was an insincere expression because of course she had thought of just leaving and she told him as much. He shook his head. 

"No I said that wrong. I don't mean leaving for good just leaving for enough time to clear your head. You know, relieve some stress and all. You said you're confined to this place while you're not on missions and then when you aren't here you're killing demons or negotiating peace talks or what not. It doesn't sound like you get a lot of time to yourself." 

"Being the Herald of Andraste isn't exactly a private existence." 

"It's not like you chose that for yourself though." 

"If you want to go explain that to everyone please feel free. No one listens when I say it." 

"I don't envy you, that's for sure," Rhys said, shifting a bit on the cold stone of the bridge. Shai crossed her arms. She didn't exactly envy herself either. 

"But I'm serious. Why not take a few days to just, I don't know, ride around?" 

"I'm sure that'll go over well with the advisors. 'Hey I'm gonna take off for a bit now, try not to do anything while I'm gone. And if anymore rifts spawn randomly, just leave them until I get back.' "

"Well I wouldn't recommend saying it exactly like that." 

"I wouldn't recommend saying it at all," Shai retorted but it came out weary and exhausted instead of irritated like it had sounded in her head. She'd had this conversation with herself more times than she could count and she'd debated it more times than she could count. But it always came back to the fact that if anything were to go wrong, and not the normal wrong but crazy, out of control wrong, and people died when she could've saved them, then that would haunt her for the rest of her life. And with her luck so far, that's exactly what would happen so now why was the idea of getting away for a time sounding so attractive?

She knew not to act solely on advice given from people who didn't have to deal with the consequences but Rhys was her friend and he wouldn't intentionally jeopardize her position with the Inquisition. He was looking at her and seeing how worn down and stressed she was and suggesting something that could potentially dispel all of that.

And Maker she wanted to do just that. Saddle Phaeron and ride off, feel the weight of responsibility slide from her shoulders the farther from Haven she went. And then she could return revived and ready and the Inquisition could get on with their plan to put the world to rights. 

"Do me a favor?" 

"Hmm?" Rhys's eyes snapped to her and he pursed his lips. Shai crossed her fingers and posed her question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chugging right along, yeah?


	15. Now You See Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll...I'm getting the hang of this update on time thing. Hold the phones. This is major 0.o  
> long a$$ chapter ahead.

Shai sat on the bridge outside Haven, the moonlight spilling across her. They'd arrived back from Therinfal hours ago but it felt like an eternity since all of that had happened. Cullen was distinctly distant on the ride home, barely talking, barely acknowledging any of them. He functioned, completed normal actions, but he wasn't actually with any of them mentally.

More than once she'd debated offering to talk to him about what happened, but decided against it. He would most definitely reject that and what's more they weren't friends, just comrades who had slept together once. That didn't make them comfortable with each other and that sure as hell didn't make her a confidante for whatever he wanted to unburden himself of. Her cheeks had flushed with embarrassment for a good ten minutes after thinking up that plan.  

But she'd been wrestling with her own thoughts on the way back to Haven, replaying the encounter with the Envy demon over and over. Her as a tyrant was something that ate away at her conscious. She could see it happen so easily and that scared her. The people were convinced she was some sort of hero, some savior come to rescues them all. How easy would it be to convince them to follow some twisted regime that would end up leading them all to self destruction? She knew there would be a way to do it that wouldn't  evoke suspicion until it was too late.

And all of that had been boiling inside her head with each passing day. Then the thoughts of the Elder One had joined the party of emotions to keep her up late at night tossing and turning. Who was he and more importantly what was he? The Envy demon had made him sound not human.

Which wasn't good because she only knew how to kill a few things, and humans were on that very short list followed next by demons and thirdly by bears. If he was anything else...well she didn't want to think about that. 

Shai sighed and leaned her head back against the bridge wall. She sat on its floor, knees drawn up to her chest. The mark on her hand flared and she looked at it, eyes un-focusing as her gaze stayed glued to the green tear in her skin. Above her the Breach still swirled in the sky, a constant reminder she wasn't done yet and might never be. What if they couldn't close it?

All they had were the Mages and a few Templars. Not nearly the numbers they'd expected to find at Therinfal and return with. What if that wasn't enough? What if their efforts failed and the Breach stayed? What then? Would they execute her as an imposter? _Well that wouldn't be fair considering I wasn't the one to stick the title of Herald on my own fucking name._

They'd turn on her for sure, she had no doubts there. The people would be angry but over that they would be scared and they would look for someone to pin it on. And there she would be, a sitting duck. She felt a prick of bitter, frustrated tears at the thought of being looked at as the enemy again and sniffed them away. It wasn't like she was friends with the whole of Haven, but it was her home now.

The Ostwick circle was a thing of the past as was her time spent at her family's estate before her Mage abilities had grown too big. As much as she hated the draftiness of her cabin and the cold, wooden floors that were the first thing to greet her bare feet in the morning, it was home.

And she didn't have anywhere else to go. So she really hoped the Breach would close itself as soon as her mark came into contact with it. Because if it didn't...she should probably think about packing her bags now. 

"Pondering on some of life's greatest mysteries, love?" 

Shai jumped at Rhys's voice. She hadn't heard him approach and he settled next to her without invitation, jostling her shoulder lightly with his own. They'd gotten over their tiff on the road as soon as they'd left the partially burning fortress of Therinfal behind, their usual good natured relations resuming. 

"You've been pretty silent lately." 

"Really? I hadn't noticed," she said, raising her eyebrows briefly. Rhys shook his head.

"Can you just let someone else in for one minute Shailene? I mean Maker, it's not like I want to be out here freezing my balls off for the heck of it." 

"Don't be so dramatic." 

"I'm serious! They're cold as ice." 

"Really didn't need to know that."

"You know what's gonna freeze off next is my--" 

"Nope!" 

Shai clapped her hands over her ears, hearing the muffled laughter of her friend.

"I'm just kidding Shailene." Rhys subsided into intermittent chuckles, craning his neck back to look at the night sky. "You know you've got a pretty nice set up here." 

"Haven?" 

"No, the bridge." 

She gave him a shove. "Ass."

"You love it." 

"Don't make me regret bringing you along."

"You'd miss me too much if I left." 

"I know," she said quietly, surprising him. She didn't know why but she felt like crying all of a sudden. The last couple weeks on the road had laid a mountain of stress on her she hadn't been feeling so far. Closing the Breach had never been a joke to her but she'd been able to overlook the consequences if she failed because, for the most part, they were only speculation.

But now after Redcliffe and the destruction of the Order at Therinfal and the mention of the Elder One at both and the Envy demon...she had been given a very clear picture of what would happen if she didn't succeed. And it was absolutely bone chilling. What's more she felt like an executioner's axe was positioned directly above her head and dropped a little lower each time she went on a mission, waiting for her time to run out. And when she didn't save Thedas-- _no, don't think like that, it's all an if right now, not a when_. 

"Hey...hey, Shailene easy." 

Rhys's arms came around her shoulders and he squeezed her to him. She went willingly, letting him tuck her head under his chin. They'd never been the touchy-touchy type of friends, preferring to lapse into the common bond siblings shared of shoves that secretly meant affection, and verbal jabs. Consequently, it was all the more prolific when they actually shared a moment and just leaned on each other for support. 

"You've gotta breathe, love. You sound like you're suffocating." 

Shai opened her mouth and took a deep breath in, her body shuddering as she exhaled. Rhys hugged her a little tighter and rested his cheek on the top of her head. The current of friendship running between them ran deep, and she still had a hard time believing they'd actually reconnected. Fate had dealt out some interesting cards at Redcliffe, the least of which wasn't her best friend in the Ostwick circle--no, nearly her only friend there--coming back from the supposed dead. His scent of mint mixed with the air of the night enveloped her as warmly as any blanket could. 

He didn't press her to say anything, just held her as she came back to herself. It helped, him not asking her to talk about the thoughts that were running over each other inside her head. It gave her time to sort them out, categorize them, and lock them away in their individual compartments to come back to later when the timing was better. And by the time she placed her hands against his chest indicating she was ready to sit up on her own, Shai felt worlds better. It was going to work out, if not tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next month, it was going to work out at some point.

And it was going to be okay even if she had to spend the rest of her life as the Herald. But she would really prefer that didn't happen because the responsibility and stress would probably do her in faster than any enemy's blade. Also, it irritated her to no end that no one in Haven could seem to wrap their heads around how to pronounce the one bloody syllable that was her actual name--

"Happy thoughts, Shailene, happy thoughts," she coached under her breath, dragging a hand over her face. Her eyes flicked up to the Breach and she sighed heavily. It would be a lot easier to take everything in stride if that fucking hole wasn't always there glaring down at her. 

"You know, its kinda cool from far away." 

"What, that?" Shai twisted around to look Rhys squarely in the eye. "Seriously? The thing that put this mark on my hand, it's 'cool' to you?" 

"I mean--"

"The thing that's constantly spitting out demons? You think there's something even remotely 'cool' about it?" 

"Just an observation." He held his hands up in surrender. 

"Yeah, good one," Shai muttered. 

"Look, I was thinking out loud and...and now you're mad," he finished with a frustrated sigh. "I'm sorry I--I'll go..." 

She grabbed his hand before he could fully stand and tugged him back down. She truly wasn't that offended by his comment, just a little shocked.

"No, don't leave. It's not the worst thing I've ever heard you say." 

Rhys snorted loudly. "That is very true." 

They sat in silence watching the Breach swirl and mix with the regular black of the sky, although the area directly around it remained light as day. _If it wasn't spewing demons left and right it would be kinda cool to watch_ , Shai reasoned. _And if it wasn't connected to the mark that's slowly killing me..._ She hadn't forgotten what Cassandra had said when the Seeker first dragged her up the mountain to the temple: _your mark is spreading and it is killing you_ , or something to that effect.

At the time she'd been too dazed to really contemplate those words, letting them go in one ear and then out the other. But the more times she used the mark to close rifts she could feel it deep in her veins. Where before just her palm had burned, now her whole arm was set on fire every time the green slash flared to life.

And she didn't want to admit it, least of all to herself, but her chest was starting to succumb to the feeling as well. She wondered if it would reach her heart soon and stop it cold. Would she even get a sixth sense that death was about to happen though? Or would she be closing a rift one minute and then dead the next? Or would she not even get to another rift, would the Breach be the last?

It was huge and the plan was to pour as much power as possible into her in the hopes the mark would feed on it. Would that overload her finally? Would she burst into a million different pieces? Combust on the spot? Would it be painful or over so fast there was no time to feel anything? 

She dropped her gaze down to her left hand. The tear on her palm was quiet for now, barely glowing, but she always knew it was there. She lost herself in examining the finite details of the mark. Up until now she hadn't really wanted to take much time to look at it, accepting it as the bad luck it was. But now she felt she would much rather want to know her killer. She twisted her hand around, looking at it from different angles. 

"Does it hurt?" Rhys asked as he watched her. 

"Not at the moment, no. It doesn't usually when I'm not using it." 

"But when you do?" 

Shai drew her bottom lip between her teeth. 

"Yeah," she answered. "It feels like my whole arm's got pins and needles in it. It used to be just my hand that felt that way...but it's spread." 

"Can't anyone do anything about it? You know like the healer?"

"Adan has potions and that's about it. Solas can put wards around it but--"

"That's the elf, doesn't talk much, just stares?" 

"One of the elves," she corrected. "Sera's the other one." 

"And she talks...a lot." 

"Yeah," Shai grinned. "That's her." 

"But the wards, they're not curing anything just numbing right?" 

"Pretty much. And they make me feel sick and out of it so I prefer him not to set them. I can get by with potions well enough, I just have to down about four per day, which isn't awful but sometimes I forget and I'm out on a mission without them so I just have to tough it out until we get back to Haven. Chewing elfroot in the field alleviates the pain a bit but it's nowhere near as helpful." 

Rhys ran a hand through his hair, dislodging a few strands that fell down to frame his face. "That sounds like a rather shitty lot, love."

"You have no idea. I can't even remember what it was like not having this on my hand, that's what's crazy. It's what everyone identifies me with now. Sometimes I feel like it's more of a person than I am." She grimaced and flipped her palm face down against her leg so she didn't have to look at the mark any further. 

"Well...that's bloody fucked up." 

"You don't know the half of it." 

"Do you ever think of just leaving?" Rhys asked after a few minutes. The moon had completely risen to sit just above them and it banished all the shadows that had been on his face previously. His eyes were a bright silver in its light as they flitted over Shai's face, gauging her reaction to the question. She knew her eyebrows had shot up to her hairline and her mouth was slightly agape. Which was an insincere expression because of course she had thought of just leaving and she told him as much. He shook his head. 

"No I said that wrong. I don't mean leaving for good just leaving for enough time to clear your head. You know, relieve some stress and all. You said you're confined to this place while you're not on missions and then when you aren't here you're killing demons or negotiating peace talks or what not. It doesn't sound like you get a lot of time to yourself." 

"Being the Herald of Andraste isn't exactly a private existence." 

"It's not like you chose that for yourself though." 

"If you want to go explain that to everyone, please, feel free. No one listens when I say it." 

"I don't envy you, that's for sure," Rhys said, shifting a bit on the cold stone of the bridge. Shai crossed her arms. She didn't exactly envy herself either. 

"But I'm serious. Why not take a few days to just, I don't know, ride around?" 

"I'm sure that'll go over well with the advisors. 'Hey I'm gonna take off for a bit now, try not to do anything while I'm gone. And if anymore rifts spawn randomly, just leave them until I get back.' "

"Well I wouldn't recommend saying it exactly like that." 

"I wouldn't recommend saying it at all," Shai retorted but it came out weary and exhausted instead of irritated like it had sounded in her head. She'd had this conversation with herself more times than she could count and she'd debated it just as often. But it always came back to the fact that if anything were to go wrong, and not the normal wrong but crazy, out of control wrong, and people died when she could've saved them, then that would haunt her for the rest of her life. And with her luck so far, that's exactly what would happen. So now why was the idea of getting away for a time sounding so attractive?

She knew not to act solely on advice given from people who didn't have to deal with the consequences but Rhys was her friend and he wouldn't intentionally jeopardize her position with the Inquisition. He was looking at her and seeing how worn down and stressed she was and suggesting something that could potentially alleviate some of that. And Maker she wanted to do it. Saddle Phaeron and ride off, feel the weight of responsibility slide from her shoulders the farther from Haven she went. And then she could return revived and ready and the Inquisition could get on with their plan to put the world to rights. 

"Do me a favor?" 

"Hmm?" Rhys's eyes snapped to her and he pursed his lips. Shai crossed her fingers and posed her question.

++++

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S GONE?!" 

Cullen pressed his fingers harder to his temples and sighed. His headache had been mounting steadily all day and was reaching overwhelming proportions. Therinfal had taken a lot out of him and the way he would normally recharge his system was not an avenue he could venture down anymore. He'd been thinking on and off about taking a quick sip of lyrium when no one was looking just to put a spring back in his step but he'd stopped himself.

He couldn't do that, he was making such hard won progress. Even the tiniest of sips would send him back to the man he used to be, and he'd vowed to leave that person in the past where it belonged. He would face the withdrawal, although it was a grim, dark cloud on the horizon. Consequently, he'd been extremely crabby and frustrated when he'd been drawn into an impromptu council by Cassandra, who now stood with hands planted flat on the war table, menacingly glaring down the recruit fidgeting nervously on the other side. 

"The Heralds not in her cabin," the poor man explained, clearly wanting to be anywhere else but bearing the brunt of Cassandra's ire. Her head slowly swiveled to Cullen, dark eyes narrowed. 

"Did you know about this?" 

"You can't be serious!" He gaped dumbly. Why would he of all people have had anything to do with this? 

"I'm asking Commander so I am serious." 

"No I didn't," he said through gritted teeth, completely baffled she would even ask. 

"Have you checked the training grounds? The blacksmith? The tavern?" The Seeker demanded. Cullen jerked his attention back to Cassandra, who had mercifully accepted his lack of participation in the Herald's vanishing act and returned to badgering the recruit. 

"Yes Seeker Pentaghast. The Herald wasn't present at any." 

 _Of course she wasn't_ , he thought wearily. If Shai didn't want to be found then she wouldn't be found. It was probable she wasn't even in Haven anymore, though he wasn't going to suggest that because he didn't want to then be appointed to the task force of finding their wayward Chosen One. He didn't know why she'd suddenly taken off, though if he could make an educated guess it was probably to digest everything. 

He would by lying to himself if he denied that he was just the smallest bit envious of the Herald's actions. Not the complete, impromptu abandonment of her role for the time being, but the stress reliever her flight from Haven probably was. He knew he could benefit from getting away for a bit, not that that request would be met with anything but severe opposition. Cassandra made a disgusted noise and pushed away from the war table, clasping her hands behind her back. 

"Very well. You may leave us." 

Cullen watched the recruit nearly sprint for the door and fancied the man probably skipped all the way back to his post. Hell had no fury like the Seeker angry after all. 

"What do we do now?" Leliana was biding her time in the corner for the duration of the interrogation but now came forward to stand beside Cassandra. 

"We find her." 

"But she could be anywhere," the Spymaster reasoned and Cullen clamped his teeth together to keep from seconding her opinion. He was itching to be released from the room. His foot was restlessly tapping the floor drawing the attention of the Seeker, whose brows dropped into a deeper frown at his outward sign of impatience. 

"We can't just sit around and wait for the Herald to return. She could decide to come back tonight or next week or never." 

"I do not believe Lady Trevelyan would abandon us," Josephine piped up. Her quill, for once, ceased scribbling across the pages of her tablet. 

"Why wouldn't she? She's been thrust into a position she did not want from the start," Cassandra argued, clearly ready to place the blame and move on. "It would stand to reason that's a possibility." 

"Maybe the Herald just needed a break," Cullen said without thinking and almost clapped a hand to his mouth as if he'd just spilled a very important secret. All three women looked at him, one with more scrutiny than the others. 

"A fine time to take one," the Seeker snorted. "We're on the verge of assaulting the Breach and now is when she decides to go missing?" 

"It's not like someone abducted her in the middle of the night," he snapped, his headache flaring more with every second he stood listening to the circular argument. He pinched the bridge of his nose fiercely, willing the pain to subside enough for him to hold it together until the meeting was adjourned. 

"Are you well Commander?" Leliana asked with a note of concern. 

"Fine thank you," he responded with clipped tone. 

"Perhaps we should adjourn for now and revisit this topic later? I do not think we need to deploy a search party just quite yet." 

Cullen could've kissed Josephine for being the voice of pragmatism that would hopefully allow him to retreat to his lodgings. The Seeker nodded rigidly, a short gesture lined with ample frustration. 

"For now. But if she has not returned by evening--" 

"Then I will have my scouts look for her," the Spymaster finished, her blue eyes that missed nothing resolute. 

"So we're in agreement. We'll reconvene at a later time. My apologies, but I have much work to attend to." Josephine inclined her head and exited the war room, quill once again flying furiously across her tablet.

Cassandra huffed, her jaw set as she stared at the map spread across the table in front of her. Cullen looked from the Seeker to Leliana and when neither woman seemed at all about to begin a conversation anew, he bid them a mumbled farewell and departed. The soles of his boots slapped against the Chantry floor as he strode purposely towards the exit. 

The recruits would've just finished their afternoon drills by now and per usual would be taking a short break. Rylen would be drawing up assessments and Cullen hoped to hand over the reins to his second in command only until his head felt like it wouldn't spontaneously split open. _I'll be fine again in a few hours... just need to rest_. He hadn't forgotten that an account of Therinfal and Redcliffe was wanted by the other advisors. But the last thing he wanted to do at the current moment was relive every bit of torment he'd experienced in the past couple days.

The broken and bloodied bodies of the decimated Templars--not to mention the sickly, red glow of future Redcliffe's hallways--flashed in his mind every time he closed his eyes for longer than a few seconds. He knew the nightmares he'd been having since thwarting Alexius's plot were lying in wait for him, biding their time until they could creep from the shadows to assault him as he lay trying to sleep. 

"Perhaps you should visit Adan." 

Cullen resisted the urge to jump at the appearance of Leliana by his side. She always moved about so silently, like a cat, and it was disconcerting to all of a sudden find her occupying a space empty only a second prior. 

"I'm fine Sister Nightingale," he repeated."I appreciate the concern but it is nothing some rest won't fix." 

"I would certainly hope so. You're health, as Commander, is of the utmost importance to us all," she lilted keeping pace with him. Cullen wanted to groan. Why did she absolutely need to come talk to him now?! 

"Of course," was all he said back, hoping Leliana would take the hint and drift away. But she remained unperturbed and continued along with him even as they left the Chantry and started through the streets of Haven. _Maker, is she going to follow me all the way to my bed as well?_  

They passed Varric's set up and the dwarf raised a hand to them both. Cullen returned it automatically but the Spymaster only pursed her lips and continued in silence. When they started to descend the steps towards Haven's gates he pulled up abruptly, forcing her to stop with him. 

"I'll see you when the war council reconvenes?" 

"Of course. And hopefully our dear Herald will be in attendance as well." 

"Yes that would be...beneficial." 

"I am curious as to how your trip went, what with you and Trevelyan not being on the best of terms. It was refreshing that you both came back in one piece and hadn't resorted to murdering each other." 

_Was that...was that supposed to be a joke?_

"Rest assured I shall provide an official report of the Herald's and my encounter." _Fuck, that came out wrong_. He didn't miss the way Leliana's eyes narrowed at his wording and clenched his fists as he willed the blush creeping up his neck to stop in its tracks. 

"That is, I will provide a report on the events we experienced," he backtracked hastily. "There is much to be said about our trip." 

"I'm sure there is Commander." 

Something in her tone made his brows furrow, like it sounded suddenly smug and knowing. 

"Well then...good day Leliana." 

"Good day Cullen." 

He walked away from her feeling unmistakably odd at their exchange, not glancing behind to see if she still stood watching him. His boots crunched on the snow as he strode towards his recruits. Rylen detached himself from the group and fell into step beside his superior. 

"Report fer you ser." 

"As you were." 

"The recruits ken the strategies well enough, but some of them are still hesitatin' at the last second. I think with a little more practice they'll be well enough off fer the Breach." 

"Full reports on the progress?" 

"On yer desk, as you asked." 

"Good man. Put the men through their regular paces." 

"Ser." 

Rylen melted away and Cullen could hear his second in command bellowing orders as he made his way to his tent. The darkness provided by the thick burlap was welcomed relief. He sighed and settled behind his desk, leaning back in his chair. It creaked beneath the combined weight of his armor and person. A few reports in Rylen's familiar handwriting sat front and center on his desk. Stacks of others decorated the left side. 

Cullen softly groaned and dug his thumbs into the corners of his eyes, pressing until he saw pinpricks of light against his closed lids. His shoulders sagged and all the energy that had been keeping him upright throughout the day flooded from of his system. He suddenly felt very tired, the bone deep kind of tired that could only come from extreme moments of duress.

It felt like he'd walked out of a lengthy dream when they'd ridden up to Haven's gates the previous evening. His one saving grace upon returning was that he hadn't babbled about Shai's forced detour on their way to Redcliffe, which kept him being pulled into an impromptu question and answer session. Truth be told he was doubting he'd mention the transgression at this point. Everything about their trip was too much too soon and just when he managed to muddle through one half and think he had the facts straight, everything fell out of order and he had to start at the beginning again. 

It was like he couldn't even articulate his experience into words, which was going to make providing the Seeker and the rest of the war council with a step by step walkthrough of the trips to Redcliffe and Therinfal extremely difficult. Maybe the Herald could just write one for the both of them and they could call it a day. Of course that would require actually having Shai here in person instead of speculating where in the bloody Void she could be at this precise moment. 

He sighed and pushed away from his desk, staggering to his cot and dropping onto it. In painfully slow movements he removed first his left boot then the right. He dropped them onto the floor with twin thumps and went to work on his bracers. His blunt fingers fumbled with the leather straps that kept the steel strapped to his arms and a few muttered curses escaped his lips, though he said them more out of habit than because he was actually that frustrated. The bracers were followed by his pauldrons and he allowed himself a few moments of rest before tackling his cuirass. 

He dropped the larger armor piece unceremoniously, ignoring the dull clanging sound as it contacted the hard earth that served as the tent's floor. He would attend to arranging the pieces on their customary stand later. For now he needed rest. 

Cullen stretched out on his back, fore finger and thumb returning to the bridge of his nose. He'd forgotten to collect a rag and a bucket of water to wet it with so he could lay the cloth across his forehead. It wasn't much of a pain killer but it was soothing and would allow him to drop off relatively easily without much hassle. But the thought of getting back up and retrieving said items made him groan under his breath with reluctance, so he stayed reclined. 

Swords grating against wooden shields assaulted his ears, a very far cry from the utter silence he wished surrounded him. But after a few moments the ruckus of recruits hard at training under the ever watchful eye of Rylen faded to a distant buzz. He felt the tension lining his limbs start to seep away and his body relaxed into the contours of the cot. 

The familiar feeling of sleep tugging at him soothed his thoughts into submission and Cullen's lips parted on a sigh. Finally the horrors of Therinfal and Redcliffe were leaving his mind blissfully blank. The tortured faces of the dead Templars were washing away, though he knew they would return upon waking. The remembrance of the red lyrium's call had ceased thrumming through his veins, it's silence greatly welcomed. 

The images of the bleak future in which the Inquisition didn't exist no longer fought for center stage behind his closed eyelids; they too let him be for the moment. The smell of smoke and burning wood combined with the remembered fear that he was saying goodbye to this world took their leave as his breathing evened out. When he opened his eyes later it would all come rushing back, eager to greet him like an old friend. But for now there was a semblance of peace, however frail and tentative it might be. For now he could just forget, a luxury denied him constantly. For now he could sleep. 

+++++++

His return to the war room later on was greeted with Cassandra's stony face, Leliana's knowing smile (but what exactly she knew --or thought she knew-- he couldn't for the life of him figure out), and Josephine's usual amicable expression with just a small crease of a frown between her brows. 

"I take it the Herald hasn't returned," he said, noting Shai's absence from the congregated people. 

"You would be correct," the Seeker confirmed, mouth drawn in a thin line of displeasure. "So now we are faced with how exactly to get her back." 

"My scouts have already departed to search the surrounding areas," the Spymaster offered. Josephine nodded and made a note on her tablet. 

"I'm sure your men will turn up something. As the Commander stated earlier, it isn't as if Lady Trevelyan was abducted so more than likely there's a trail she's left behind." 

"What about her friend that returned with you, the Mage? Would he talk to us?" Cassandra asked Cullen directly. He rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. Even if Shai had revealed her plans to Rhys, it was highly unlikely he would be willing to share them as unsure of the Inquisition's motives as he still was. 

"Figures," the Seeker grated. Cullen was tempted to prod her that if she continued screwing up her face in a scowl it might freeze that way. His mother had been overly fond of that saying whenever he pouted and it never failed to inflame him further, so it was probably not the most appropriate thing to say.  

"Cassandra, I have the utmost confidence my scouts will return with the Herald or at least a report of where she is." 

"And if they don't? Then what?! We can't close the Breach without her mark." 

"And we can't close the Breach with just her mark alone either. The Herald was to hopefully return with promises from either the Mages or the Templars of their assistance. But given what has happened..." Josephine trailed off and her eyes flicked to Cullen, sympathetic as she glossed over the outcome of Therinfal. "The Mages are now our only option." 

"And where are they exactly?" Cassandra asked. 

"They've left Redcliffe, I can tell you that much," Cullen joined the conversation, resting his hand on the pommel of his sword. "The King and Queen of Ferelden revoked their invitation of asylum to Fiona and her followers. As of now, they're probably wandering." 

"Which will make it all the more difficult to find them and propose an alliance," the Seeker ascertained. 

"And what would be the terms?" Cullen questioned. 

"The Mages will surrender to the Inquisition or we will not be able to harbor them." 

He had suspected as much and his eyes closed briefly. Whenever Shai returned, if she returned, there was going to be hell to pay for moving forward without her consent on a matter so delicate. 

"Shouldn't we wait for the Herald's vote on the matter?" More than one pair of eyebrows raised at his suggestion and he surprised himself as well at his protest. Since when did he lobby for fairness in Shai's defense? 

"And when precisely would that be Cullen? Do you know when she is due to return?" Cassandra's chin came up sharply as she challenged his protest and he bit his tongue, feeling embarrassed to be put on the spot so aggressively.

"No I don't...but she is the Herald. She has a store in all this so she should have a--" 

"Commander may I remind you that she has abandoned her title quite readily for the moment?" 

"I'm well aware Cassandra. That doesn't discredit her." 

"Doesn't it?" 

"No, it does not. She's the one with the mark, she's the one who stands to lose her life if that thing on her hand backfires. The least we can do is allow her to decide the terms of her allies in closing the Breach... _when_ she returns." 

Silence fell after his argument and he suddenly grew very self conscious. _Way to go, marvelous outburst_. If the Spymaster didn't already have a reason to suspect what had happened between he and Shai at his earlier fumble, she certainly did now. Cullen wasn't immune to the weight of Leliana's sudden gaze on him. 

"It isn't without reason to say the Mages might be more cooperative if we do not insist on keeping them prisoner," the Ambassador murmured.  

"It certainly is not," Leliana lilted, an almost indiscernible glint in her eye. "Cassandra?" 

The Seeker grumbled and her jaw worked in consternation before she gave a rigid jerk of her head. 

"Very well. I will dispatch some men to locate the Mages." The Spymaster swept from the war room after her declaration, stare lingering on Cullen for a second too long and he repressed the urge to flinch. The door closed loudly behind her, iron hinges squeaking slightly, heavy wood thudding against the frame. 

"Then it is decided?" Josephine asked softly, her accent rolling delicately over her words. 

"We will recruit the Mages and close the Breach. And by the Maker's providence this will all be over." Cassandra sounded resolute and determined and if he were serving under her as a soldier, Cullen would have been convinced, almost. But he'd seen far too much in his life to put much store in speeches promising victory. He would believe it when he saw the sky knit itself back together. Until then...well it was anyone's guess what could happen.


	16. Now You Don't

Shai guided Phaeron beneath an archway of rock, the black stallion's hooves thudding softly on the grass. It was a warmer day and she'd removed her leathers for the time being, enjoying the feel of the wind coursing over her torso. It penetrated the thinner material of her shirt and she shivered at the delightful feel of the cool air. The sun shone brightly in a relatively cloudless sky and she basked in the warmth radiating from above. It was incredible how weightless she felt with the gates of Haven far behind. 

Indeed as she had speculated, every mile she and Phaeron drew away from the pilgrimage village had leeched an increment of anxiety and worry from her. At first she'd felt guilty; there was no note or missive about when she'd be back or where she was going. Truthfully she hadn't known the latter and still didn't. She'd just given Phaeron his head and let him carry her in the direction of his choice. 

But it wasn't like she was running away for good, or even running away at all. She was simply taking a small break that didn't involve letting anyone know where she was so she wouldn't be bothered. Well, scratch that, Rhys somewhat knew where she was. Actually scratch that too, he didn't but he had the means of finding her in his possession. As much as it went against her better judgement and gut instinct, she'd created a temporary phylactery and implored him to give it to Cullen should the need arise. 

Rhys had been profusely upset and protested passionately, which was understandable and entirely expected, but she'd worn him down and gotten his word that he would comply. Her conscious had gnawed at her and she'd been unable to justify leaving without at least putting a sort of backup plan in place.

The phylactery was only to go to the Inquisition's Commander if something went horribly downhill and they needed to find her in a pinch. Otherwise Rhys was to keep it for her until she got back and then she'd dispose of it and no one would be the wiser.  

It did make her stomach tie in knots to create such an item given what they were normally used for, and she dimly realized that her decision meant in some sort of weird way she trusted Cullen to possibly come into possession of her phylactery. Of course she hoped it didn't come to that, had a sixth sense it wouldn't, but still.

She felt Phaeron stop under her and she swung down from the saddle, her muscles stretching with the movement after hours spent on horseback. Her stallion had brought them to a small oasis, a clear pond framed on all sides by a sea of soft grass. 

Rocky outcroppings surrounded the area, creating a sort of cave and lending it a private, secretive air. She felt she could relax here, far from the prying eyes of those who had lifted her up so quickly as Herald seconds after dashing her upon the rocks as murderer of the Divine. Her boots sunk deep into the earth and she left Phaeron to graze, moving closer to the pool. Pebbles of different colors decorated the bottom, creating prisms of rainbow colored light when the sun struck them. 

The water was beautifully clear and she couldn't resist kneeling to dip a few fingers. Her skin tingled at the cooler temperature and it sent pleasurable shivers up her arm. Shai cupped her hand and gathered a palmful of water, bringing it to her lips. The liquid washed over her tongue, crisp and sharp in taste. She didn't believe she'd ever drunk anything that tasted so pure and eagerly dunked her hand back in for more. 

A short time later she was haphazardly folding her clothes, stripped down to just her smalls and bra band. With a small bit of hesitation, she stripped out of those two garments as well. It wasn't like there was anyone around to see. Her toes sunk into the pond's banks and she scrunched them welcomingly in the mud. As a child, summer had always been her favorite season. 

It was a time for her to escape the confines of the Trevelyan estate, as well as her mother's ever watchful eye, and spend  her time under the sun. She'd gone barefoot to her heart's content, always returning with her hemline and ankles six inches deep in mud. It was a habit Shai apparently hadn't outgrown even years later because a giggle bubbled up from her throat as she squelched about on the banks. 

She shuffled back and forth, marveling at how the mud welled between her toes and holding a little competition with herself to see how much she could gather in a single step. If anyone had witnessed her antics she would've been extremely embarrassed but as it was, Phaeron couldn't even be bothered to give a snort at her lack of dignity. Finally Shai allowed herself to wade into the pond's depths. For a minute or two she held her arms rigidly out to the side, standing on tiptoe to avoid submerging more of herself than strictly necessary in the cold water. 

But bit by bit her skin adjusted to the coolness and she sunk to her shoulders. Reaching with one hand she undid the thong that held her tresses up in their messy bun and shook them out. They splashed against the pond's surface then subsided to lazily waft with the currents rippling outward from her body. 

Shai kicked her legs out and rhythmically swept her arms back and forth, keeping herself afloat. Her eyes drifted closed and she tipped her face towards the sun, soaking up the rays that kissed her cheeks. For minutes she floated immobile, taking in the smells of the outdoors and listening to the ebb and flow of the pond. She had to think hard to remember a day spent with the Inquisition where she was just able to be without worrying about recruiting this person or restoring peace to that area. 

It flittered across her mind briefly that perhaps a personal day should be instituted for everyone within the Inquisition where they could get away from Haven. It was certainly a stress reliever and shirking responsibility, sometimes, was beneficial to one's health. Especially when said responsibility had a bone crushing hold on a person. Shai frowned at her mind's tallying of all the duties she was currently neglecting and shut her thoughts down. _None of that, otherwise I could've just stayed in Haven_. 

When the sun dipped behind a cloud and seemed reluctant to emerge anytime soon, she regained her footing and climbed out of the pond, shivering a bit at the loss of direct sunlight. The grass provided a decent enough bed and Shai nestled into it after dabbing herself dry with her shirt. Phaeron's munching came softly to her ears and her lips quirked into a lazy smile. It was like she didn't have a care in the world. Everything was calm and she weightlessly drifted, hovering somewhere between the drowsy state lounging in the sun brought on and full sleeping. 

She couldn't help but speculate quickly whether Rhys had had to turn over her phylactery yet. Instinct doubted he would even if the time came and especially because it was Cullen; she might not have been privy to her friend's company for the past years but she knew him all the same. 

Something twitched in her stomach at the Commander's name. What was he most likely doing right at this moment? Training the recruits? _No, they're probably taking a break_. Reading reports? _More than probable_. She stopped her wonderings and cracked a smile. Wait no...he's definitely standing around with that expression he gets where it makes him look like a cross eyed Mabari. A snort tore from her nose. 

She would never understand how someone could store so much intensity in their person and not combust spontaneously. Listening to him in war councils brought to mind the saying that for some people everything looked like a nail. She swore on the Maker if one day he ever suggested a solution not involving brute force, she would drop dead from shock. But then again, he was the Commander of the troops, she didn't expect him to be singing suggestions of peace talks. 

That was more Josephine's speed. It came unbidden but Shai wondered about Cullen's time in the Templars. Clearly it had meant a great deal to him; most would have cut their losses and fled when the rebellion started. Yet he stayed and tried to maintain order. Very puzzling considering the horror stories that had drifted through the country about Kirkwall. 

It took a special kind of resolve, of person  she ruminated, to stand their ground in the face of absolute death. But that was probably where all his intensity came from; it wasn't possible to live through an event like that and not have it transform you noticeably one way or another. A twinge of sympathy squeezed her chest at the circumstances he'd faced during Kirkwall.

In an off sort of way they were similar, not identical, to her own as Herald; she hadn't wanted it, hadn't asked for it, and now had her back against the wall just trying to make it through alive. A rebellion, vicious in nature, probably brought those same results. Shai drew her bottom lip between her teeth, running the blunted edges over the soft skin. 

Things were...changing. How else could she describe feeling sympathetic towards someone she thought she'd never want anything to ever do with? It by no means meant she was ready to become bosom buddies with the Commander, but she was seeing him in a different light. And it was totally, completely, unsettling. She didn't want to feel like that, really didn't want to feel that way, because she knew how the currents would flow. 

There couldn't ever be anything between them--not that she was fantasizing about that--but it was best to remind herself. They were two different people with two very different stances on current affairs who had used each other in a moment of unbridled passion, and that was the story she would stick to.

It didn't matter that she'd felt safe being carried from Therinfal by him or that he'd jumped in Alexius's path at Redcliffe or that he'd patiently kept an arm around her waist and helped her onto Phaeron with her injured ankle. Nothing could come of it. 

Maybe another tumble or two into bed with each other but that was the absolute extreme it could reach. And even that would have to be done with the utmost discretion; the Herald could not be seen traipsing about with the Commander. Not that she gave a rat's ass about keeping appearances but she sure as hell didn't want to field the array of questions their more intimate details getting out would prompt. 

But she sincerely doubted it would ever come to that because Cullen hardly seemed the type to want some mutual agreement of just sex. If anything she'd guess he was either too rigid and unrelenting for an actual relationship or he would only commit to someone for whom he felt strongly.

So she was ruled out by default and she firmly ignored the weird sort of disappointment that dredged up. There was no way in all the bloody Void she was harboring even the smallest torch for the Commander and her cheeks burned from more than just the sun at imagining the idea. 

Their newfound, tentative complacency with each other was as far as it would go. They'd be able to negotiate war council meetings diplomatically and perhaps nod to one another around Haven but that was strictly the limit. She pushed herself abruptly upright, completely shaken out of her relaxed state. 

"So much for that," Shai muttered, bracing her arms on her bent knees. Trickles of water ran intermittently down her back from still wet hair and she reached to gather the tresses, wringing them out with a few twists of her hands. Something chirped nearby and she ignored it at first, thinking it was just a bird.

But the sound came again louder and close enough to bring her head up. A nug sat not three feet away, perched on its hind feet, head cocked to the side. It's black eyes blinked once, twice at Shai and its left ear fluttered. She cracked a small smile at the hairless animal, extending her hand. 

"Here little guy. C'mere." 

She fully expected the nug to beat a hasty retreat at the threat of human contact but to her utter amazement it only sidled closer. It's front paws flexed against the earth and it chirped again. Belatedly she realized she was sitting naked trying to entice a nug near enough to pet and felt absurdly mortified. Rising she dressed hurriedly, hopping on one leg at a time in order to shimmy on her breeches over still damp skin. 

Donning her shirt, she looked to where she'd been sitting and was a little dismayed to see her new friend had left. She always enjoyed watching the little things scamper around and twitter at she and her companions as they traipsed through a new territory. It had crossed her mind more than once to try and catch one but she'd never quite figured out how exactly to smuggle it all the way back to Haven, should she have been so lucky. An abrupt chirp brought her attention to her feet. 

The nug had apparently followed and was again balancing on its hind quarters, peering up at the human towering over it. 

"Well aren't you brave," she laughed,  lowering to a crouch. Her hand hovered before the nug, letting the creature come to her on its own. A small gust of air brushed the backs of her fingers as the nug inhaled her scent, it's nose quivering. Decidedly it found her to be no threat and Shai blinked in shock as the animal moved to press it's snout firmly into her palm. 

The skin was surprisingly soft with barely there bristles creating a thin layer of small hairs. She hesitated for a minute before running her hand up to rest between the nug's ears. Her fingers scrunched as she gave a tentative scratch, growing more comfortable when the animal remained in place. Shai's cheeks stretched as a large grin split her face. 

"Well...how about that." 

"He likes you. You're trustworthy...caring...your scent is calming." 

Shai jerked up and around at the voice; she'd been alone only moments ago, how had someone crept up so stealthily? There was only one way in and out of the oasis, she would've seen anyone enter. 

"Who's there?" She called, adopting a defensive stance as her eyes scanned the surrounding area. 

"Its alright, I won't hurt you," the voice said and this time she recognized it.

"C-Cole?" She asked tentatively.

"Yes...you remember me...I didn't have to make you forget," Cole stated from behind her and Shai spun to see the pale boy with the paler hair who had led her through Envy's realm at Therinfal. The oversized brim of the hat he wore flopped down into his face, obscuring most of it from view save the wide, almost colorless mouth.

"I was uh wondering where you'd gotten off to after...after everything." 

"It was too loud there, too much evil," Cole began haltingly. "The Templars, I could feel their pain. They don't like what they've become. It doesn't feel good. But they can't change it...they're stuck. Some of them don't have anything human left about them. Their thoughts are red, all red. It hurt..." 

"That...that wasn't a good place," Shai agreed lamely. She didn't have a better explanation for the horrors they'd discovered at Therinfal. The fortress had been atrocious, the monsters it contained beyond anything her worst nightmares had ever given her. She shook the resurfacing images of red Templars from her head; if she started thinking about it now she'd never stop.

Cole nodded and crouched. He extended one, long fingered hand to the nug that was still sitting by Shai's feet, brushing his finger tips over the nug's head. The small mammal chirped its approval at the touch and skittered closer to Cole. 

"What exactly are you doing out here?" Shai asked, settling herself cross legged onto the ground. She pulled a few blades of grass from the earth, absently twirling them between her fingers. "How did you"--she stopped and gestured to encompass the oasis--"find this place?" 

"It found me," Cole responded cryptically. "I wanted to go somewhere nice. Somewhere I didn't have to feel so many thoughts. Somewhere simple. I pictured sunlight, warm and happy." 

Shai tilted her head back and looked up at the sky at the exact moment the bright, yellow ball that shepherded the day time reappeared from behind a cloud. Its rays once again kissed over the expanse of the oasis, striking shimmers off the pond's surface and bringing out a vibrant hue in the grass. Melodic chirping filled the air, except this time it came from birds fluttering overhead.

"Quiet, so quiet here. I can breathe. I can...forget. I can be me instead of the mark. I can exist."

Shai blinked in surprise and looked to Cole whose attention was still held by the nug he was softly stroking. Did he...did he just read her thoughts? Was that even possible?

"Yes," Cole answered without making eye contact. "I can hear you."

Shai blinked again. _Well thats a little unsettling_.   

"I can't help it. I help people. I have to hear them to help. People don't say what they're thinking, they like to lie. Its easier...for them and for other people. There's too much pain in the truth." 

Shai was about to open her mouth to agree with Cole, but decided against it at the last second and instead thought, _the truth hurts sometimes_.

"Everything can hurt sometimes," he responded softly. Shai thought, _yes...yes it does_ , and lowered herself back into the grass. She and Cole remained next to each other until the sun started to dip in the sky, communicating with thoughts--on her part--and minimal conversation on his. When at last the blue of the expanse above them started to fade and change to pink streaked with orange, Shai pushed herself to her feet.

She'd neglected to bring anything with her other than a bedroll and some food, going for the minimalist approach. She hadn't wanted to tip anyone off that she was about to put Haven behind her lest they alert her advisors or--even worse--the Seeker; _that_ wouldn't have been a fun encounter. But the night was far too balmy to hole herself up in a tent and she probably would have ditched the burlap lodging in choice of sleeping under the stars even if she'd brought it. 

"Cole I--" Shai broke off when she realized that she was once again alone with just the nug for company. She swiveled left and right as she looked around the oasis but it was as empty as she'd discovered it, save the expected wildlife and Phaeron still grazing a few feet away. She couldn't stop the hairs on the back of her neck from raising ever so slightly; Cole had disappeared as silently as he'd appeared, not even a small brush of wind to announce his departure.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally my nug tag comes into play :) can anyone tell I wish these could've been pets? Little animal fluff here


	17. The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reached 104 kudos, thank you all so much!!!! :) I love each and every one of ya reading this story/ commenting/ bookmarking/ coming back for updates/ ya get the picture. xo

Cullen tugged firmly on the girth strap, making sure his saddle was properly affixed to Vigilance's back. The Seeker stood next to him going over her own mount's tack, readjusting pieces here and there. All of Haven fully believed the Herald was already with the Mages conducting peace talks and proposing the alliance, not floating around in the unknown. He and Cassandra were presently leaving to "join her", escorted by some of his more senior recruits.

 _And none are the wiser_ , he thought. Leliana's scouts reported the Mages were holed up between Haven and Redcliffe, a destination that would only require a few hours of travel time on either end. He was relieved they wouldn't have to venture into the Hinterlands unnecessarily. Shai had cleared the region of Templar deserters and apostates for the most part, but there were still random bouts of fighting not to mention bandits skulking about. 

"Are you ready Commander? We should begin in order to return by evening." Cassandra inserted her right foot into her stirrup and looked at Cullen expectantly. He swept his tongue over his lips, wetting them, and nodded. 

"Ready." 

The Seeker swung into her saddle, the leather creaking beneath her weight. Cullen prepared to do the same when a loud "Oi!" stopped him. He turned to see Rhys striding towards the stables, rather angrily if his forceful gait was anything to go by. 

"Templar," the Herald's friend said by way of greeting once he was in closer proximity. Cullen's lip twitched as it longed to curl in distaste at the address but he held it steady, letting his eyes narrow slightly instead. 

"Rhys." 

" 'ear you're headed out." 

"That is correct." 

"Well then I have somethin' for you." 

Cullen tensed, unsure of what he was about to be bestowed with. He sincerely hoped it wasn't a punch or anything of the physical sort, though why Rhys would choose to start an impromptu brawl made no sense. Their bad blood made him apprehensive though. 

"What is it?"

 His tone was guarded and he leaned slightly away from the other man, squaring his stance. 

"Think you can figure that out on your own." 

Without further preamble Rhys shoved a small sporran into the front of Cullen's cuirass, none too gently either. His knuckles rapped against the steel armor. 

"Have a nice trip," he sneered though the way it came out sounded like Rhys hoped Cullen would have the trip from hell. "And one more thing." 

The Herald's friend snapped an accusing finger into the Commander's face. 

"If you fuckin' hurt her, I'll kill you." 

And then he was gone, storming off just as angrily as he'd approached. Cullen gaped, completely at an utter loss. _What in the Void?!_  

"What did he want?" The Seeker asked, circling her horse to stop in front of him. He shook his head, blinking rapidly in surprise. If that wasn't the strangest, oddest exchange he'd ever had! What had gotten into that man?! 

"I don't--I don't know." 

Cassandra humphed and shifted in her saddle. 

"We should get going. We've delayed long enough." 

Cullen murmured an agreement, pulling his hands away from his chest to inspect the sporran they held. It was a perfectly nondescript, leather pouch. Nothing important or out of the ordinary about it. But he suspected it was what it held that had Rhys all worked up. The words he'd said made absolutely no sense in conjunction to what Cullen now had in his possession. Keeping the sporran tilted towards his person, he lifted the flap infinitesimally and peeked inside. It was hard to see exactly what it contained but as he jostled the pouch, the contents came into view.

The warmth of the day suddenly fled as did the air from his lungs. He blinked, hard, convinced he was hallucinating. But no, it was still there nestled in the softer leather of the sporran's interior. His eyes slid over the glass vial, noting the ruby red liquid it contained. _Maker's breath..._ All the pieces fell into place; Rhys's animosity, his warning not to hurt Shai. _But how the fuck had he come into possession of this?_

There was no way in Thedas he'd just made it on a whim, or had the idea to make it...had he? It went against everything Cullen knew about the Herald's friend so far to think that Rhys would have voluntarily created a phylactery for Shai and then deposited it into the hands of the very person he avoided like the plague. But it confirmed that Rhys was aware of at least some part of the Herald's current disappearing act. So was this serving as a precaution then? 

"Cullen." 

Cassandra's sharp voice motivated him into action and he snapped the sporran's flap back down. He tucked the pouch very carefully into his belt, taking care to make sure it was secure before he mounted Vigilance and gathered the reins. Instead of thinking about the impending meeting with the Mages like he should have, Cullen's thoughts were swirling around with abandon, much like Shai's blood in the phylactery. There wee far too many questions about its creation with very little answers.

Did Rhys think they were going to find the Herald? Had he created it on his own without Shai's permission? Or did she ask him to? But why? Why leave and give them a way to track her if she didn't want to be found? Why not just impart to Rhys where she'd be and use him as the messenger if the time came? 

Should he turn it over to the war council if the Herald didn't reappear soon? Could he do that without a guilty conscious? He considered it no small miracle he remained in the saddle, so great was his distraction. The Seeker thankfully wasn't overly fond of small talk and rode in silence beside him. If she sensed his detachment from the immediate situation she didn't comment; Cassandra was not one to blatantly ignore the obvious. 

They arrived at the Mage's camp within hours, waiting patiently on the edges for Fiona to be notified. Cullen didn't miss the hostile, pointed looks they received and his skin prickled with the wells of mana he sensed. The Mage standing closest to them snorted loudly then opened his mouth and spat a large glob of something slimy directly at Vigilance's hooves. Cullen recognized the thinly veiled power play for what it was and gritted his teeth as his mount pranced sideways a few paces. Cassandra seemed unperturbed by the open animosity, sitting stock still, her eyes rooted to the open row of grass between the many tents where Fiona would hopefully appear soon.

Cullen tried to be discreet as he quietly assessed the number of Mages. There were a lot that was for sure with some children too, and he felt a pang of guilt as he realized how they'd been unceremoniously turned out of Redcliffe. Not without good reason, he understood the havoc they'd wreaked --intentional or not-- on the village was close to irreparable. Not to mention the lovely guest from the North who'd come with his devoted group of cultists. He understood the actions of a few didn't define the whole, but just thinking about the blasted war between the two sides that had claimed so many unnecessary lives... 

"Has the Inquisition come to negotiate? Without its Herald?" 

Cullen's attention snapped to the Grand Enchanter approaching them flanked by two mages. Fiona looked drained and shrunken. Her skin was sallow with a yellow tinge and dark circles decorated the space beneath her eyes. He and the Seeker swung down from their horses almost in unison. 

"Lady Trevelyan is currently engaged in another matter. We have come in her stead," Cassandra explained briefly. The Grand Enchanter's lips thinned and she folded her hands. 

"Very well. What are the terms of the negotiation?" 

"Perhaps we should speak inside?" Cullen suggested, inclining his head towards the nearest tent. 

"I would like my people to be a part of this, if it's all the same to you. I excluded them once before and very nearly cost them their lives." 

He looked to the side, eyeing Cassandra in his periphery. The Seeker didn't seem exactly pleased to not be granted a private audience. Her mouth was pursed and turned down at the corners. 

"Grand Enchanter we--" 

"That will be fine," Cullen interrupted, ignoring the surprised glare he knew came his way. For the sake of necessity it was best to honor the wishes of the party they needed to retain. Besides he was itching to get the Mage's agreement to help with the Breach over and done with; diplomacy was not his strong suit. Fiona smiled briefly and gestured for them to follow her. 

"You can leave your horses here. Max and Erik will take care of them." 

He supposed the Mages who had been flanking the Grand Enchanter were the two men in question as they left her side in favor of taking the reins from him and Cassandra. 

"As you can see, our accommodations here are primitive at best." 

Fiona walked at a measured pace, occasionally greeting a fellow Mage who stopped to stare at their procession. By the time they reached the center of the rudimentary camp, Cullen was feeling very on edge at all the people following them to listen in on the talks. Numerous pairs of eyes were glued to his person, the majority of them holding contempt and suspicion. A few children appeared here and there, hiding behind the adults. One or two actually stood independently, young faces screwed  into distrustful expressions. 

"We have many who need protection and we cannot live for much longer independently of a settlement. We have no reliable means of keeping ourselves safe or fed." 

Fiona sank down onto a cut off stump that Cullen surmised served as a bench. He allowed Cassandra to take the only other available one while he stood sentry just behind her. 

"The Inquisition is prepared to meet your needs. We can provide housing and food and clothing. As well as proper healing for any sick you may have." 

The Seeker's speech sounded less like an invitation and more of a barter to Cullen but he didn't open his mouth to comment. They were after all here to negotiate. 

"I see," the Grand Enchanter said. "And what would be the terms of this arrangement?" 

"Conscription," Cassandra said without missing a beat. Cullen jerked and shot her a confused look. What?! No that wasn't what they'd agreed on. Twin stripes of color rose in Fiona's cheeks and she drew in a sharp breath. 

"You would make us your prisoners? Are we to have no say in our fate?!" 

"The Breach threatens all of Thedas. We cannot close it without your help. But in light of recent events we cannot offer you a full alliance." 

"And the Herald? Is this...is this what she has decided to do to her own?" Fiona's voice trembled with disbelief and Cullen wanted to give Cassandra a good shake. What was she doing?! 

"Seeker--" he began, trying to do some damage control. 

"Commander now is not the time. Grand Enchanter, the fate of the world is at stake and the Inquisition is in need of the Mages." 

"To put more chains on us!" 

"That is not our intention," Cassandra combatted. Cullen switched his attention from one woman to the other, feeling completely unsure of how to proceed. He was fully caught off guard by the Seeker's abrupt change of plans and was drawing a blank on how to backtrack enough to secure the Mages and not incur the Herald's wrath. _Maker's breath...Shai. Fuck_.

She was going to be livid when they returned, if they returned with the alliance at all. _And she'll blame it all on me_ , he realized belatedly. He shouldn't have cared but he did. For whatever reason, though he didn't have a lot of examples to base his conjecture on, he was beginning to think he and the Herald were moving to more solid, less rocky ground.

"Cassandra." 

Her head came around at his voice, face carefully blank as if she weren't currently rescinding on her word. 

"Cullen." 

"A word." He spoke through gritted teeth, jaw working in consternation. 

"Commander as I said--" 

"No." 

They both turned to find Fiona standing, chin raised resolutely. 

"No," she repeated with vindication. 

Cullen blinked and his eyes felt like they were bugging from their sockets. Was she--was she saying what he thought she was? 

"Grand Enchanter--" 

"My people and I are not slaves to be bought and chained. I will not hand us over to another master, no matter how righteous they say they are. We will not be pawns in someone else's power play. Most of us have lived in Circles for our lives. I do not want for that to be the structure the Inquisition provides." 

"Are you--are you refusing to help?" The Seeker sounded absolutely baffled and Cullen fought the urge to roll his eyes. How could she have expected anything but that? Imprisonment that happened to provide shelter and food didn't make up for signing one's life away to a captor. 

"I am refusing to bind those under my care to a cause that is unwilling to look at us as people." 

Silence fell after her words and the wheels of Cullen's mind spun freely, trying to find traction enough to articulate a coherent sentence that wouldn't completely undermine Cassandra's proposal. Nothing worse than not appearing as a united front. 

"The Inquisition does not seek to make the Mages our prisoners. But it would be negligent of us to ignore that some precautions must be put in place," he tried to explain. 

"And those precautions are to conscript us?! Can we not be trusted?!" 

"We're in the middle of a war," Cassandra grated, sweeping her hand wide to encompass everything around them. "We cannot afford to sit and build bridges of trust when we have an immediate threat on our hands. The Inquisition needs the help of the Mages and your people need protection. It is not ideal but it is the smartest option for both sides." 

"It is the smartest option for you," Fiona said, her gaze resting heavily upon the Seeker. "To you we are not people. We are tools, a means to an end. And you would conscript us as if we had no feeling on the matter and use us to fix a problem that might very well kill us with the unknown." 

"We are not unaware of the threat the Breach poses," Cassandra nearly growled, her patience clearly wearing thin. 

"But you are indifferent to it because we are expendable to you." 

"That is barbaric!" The Seeker exploded, nostrils flared. Cullen stretched an arm of caution in front of her. There was no arguing with the validity of Fiona's claim; the Mages were a means to an end to the Inquisition. The Templars would have been as well. The mission wasn't to make friends, it was to fix the bloody world. And sometimes good relations had to be sacrificed, no matter how bad the fallout was going to be.

And it was going to be very ugly upon the Herald's return. He envisioned nothing short of a full fledged tantrum aimed directly at he and Cassandra. To his ears came the disgruntled murmurs of the Mages gathered, more than a few choice words emerging louder than the rest. 

"Please," he entreated. "We cannot close the Breach without the Mage's help. A conscription is not...ideal. But our backs are to the wall. If we do not have your assistance then the whole world will suffer for lack of it." 

"And if we give you our help then we suffer. It is us or them Commander, there is no other way to word it. Perhaps when your Herald returns she will be more willing to understand our plight and offer a true alliance. I am sorry, but I cannot endanger my people again." 

Cullen closed his eyes in resignation, sighing deeply. That was it then. They were without the help of the Mages until Shai deigned to return and even then Fiona might still say no. The Breach would remain in the sky and Thedas would bear the brunt of their inability to compromise. His body was rigid and lined with tension as he and Cassandra returned to their horses. He barely glanced in the Seeker's direction when they set off, seething quietly at her turncoat display of negotiating. She can explain to Josephine and Leliana why we return empty handed. 

His posture grew stiffer with every passing hour they spent returning to Haven. By the time the familiar gates came into sight his muscles were screaming at him to relax them. But he found it hard to take a calming breath when he'd just witnessed how thoroughly one person could botch what could have been a cut and dry discussion. He realized Cassandra was doing what she thought needed to be done in order to protect against magical mishaps. But with the Order decimated, the Mages were the only option and they'd just royally thrown it away.

Which meant the Herald would be going at some point to meet with Fiona and apologize for her advisor's inability to see the bigger picture and then the Mages would --Maker willing-- come to Haven and distrust would run rampant and fights would have to be broken up between the volunteer Templars and-- He didn't realize how hard he was breathing until the Seeker shot him an irritated look. With difficulty he regained his control and slapped it back into place. It wouldn't do to lose his head just yet. There would be plenty of time for that behind the closed doors of the war room. 

"The Herald stayed behind to finish negotiations, right Commander?" 

"Huh?" He looked at the Seeker in perplexity as their mounts drew alongside the recruit tents. His men sporadically stopped in the middle of their drills to salute and he nodded curtly to them. 

"The Herald stayed behind to finish negotiations." 

Cassandra repeated the cover story slowly like he was a child learning a new lesson. Personally he didn't care for her tone on top of the way the talks with the Mages had gone so in response he simply spurred Vigilance on ahead. He was dismounted and relinquishing his horse to Master Dennett before Cassandra's feet even touched the ground. Immediately he made for his tent, hoping she wouldn't follow him. The fact that he still held the Herald's phylactery wasn't forgotten and he knew he needed to attend to it before he plunged through any paperwork. One of Leliana's scouts hailed him and he came to a grudging stop. 

"Ser." The woman saluted. "The Herald has returned. Sister Leliana sent me to fetch you to the Chantry." 

Cullen suppressed a groan --barely-- and looked to where Cassandra was no doubt receiving the same missive from a different scout. The Seeker's brows were deeply furrowed, her face pensive, and he speculated she was mentally putting her cards in order. The news of the lost Mages was going to be anything but fun to discuss. 

"On your way," he dismissed Leliana's scout. The woman melted away and he rubbed the back of his neck. How he wished he could immerse himself in the training of the recruits if only to escape the war council summons. He'd been hoping for a bit of repose before having to rehash the trip but it appeared that appealing option wasn't going to happen. Grumbling under his breath he made for the Chantry, each step slow and reluctant. 

The Seeker caught up to him just before the war room and they entered together. He positioned himself in his customary spot between Leliana and Josephine, cracking his neck and mentally readying himself for the inferno he was about to be engulfed in. If he'd thought he'd seen Shai's temper before, he had a very bad feeling he was in for an extreme awakening.

The door opened and the Herald joined them, stepping cautiously into their midst, looking much the same as the last time he'd seen her except for a pronounced tan. His stomach did a little flip at her entrance, half trepidation and half...joy? Her expression was carefully guarded as she approached the war table, green eyes flickering from side to side as she worked to judge the overall mood. 

"So..." Shai began, hands clasped loosely together. When nobody answered her immediately she blew a strand of hair out of her face. "I expect I should probably apologize." 

"That would be a decent start," the Seeker drawled, eyes narrowed. Cullen switched his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot, clearing his throat.

The Herald exhaled and nervously scratched her arm before grating out, "I'm sorry. That was not the...best way to handle things." 

"We were able to thankfully keep it from the public knowledge. The official report is that you left to begin talks with the Mages. But if you don't mind our asking, why did you feel the need to leave?" Josephine asked politely, expression perfectly open and encouraging. Shai waved her hand dismissively and looked at the floor. 

"Nothing serious," she muttered. "It-- it doesn't matter. What'd I miss?" 

 _Here it comes_ , Cullen thought with no small amount of dread.   

"We made the decision to approach the rebel Mages for help with the Breach while you were...absent," Leliana summarized, looking to Cassandra. "The Seeker and the Commander both went to speak with the Grand Enchanter." 

"Oh..." Shai looked perturbed at being left out of the decision, but she smoothed her expression. "And what was the outcome?" 

"Cassandra?" The Spymaster inclined her head, giving the floor to the Seeker. 

"Fiona was...open to the alliance." 

 _Maker preserve us_ , Cullen offered silently, preparing himself for the metaphorical axe to drop. 

"So are they on their way then?" The Herald asked, raising an eyebrow. Cassandra's lips thinned. 

"Not exactly." 

"Not exactly?" Josephine put down her tablet upon the table. "What do you mean not exactly?" 

"You did make contact with them, did you not?" Leliana questioned. 

"We did," Cassandra allowed shortly. "But the terms of the alliance were not accepted." 

"But that's impossible!" The Spymaster exclaimed. "They don't want to help the Inquisition?" 

"That doesn't make sense for them to turn down an offer. Fiona seemed perfectly fine with it at Redcliffe." Shai assured, clearly confused. 

Cullen waited with a small amount of nervousness for Cassandra to break the news. Instead of explaining the outcome, she looked to him instead and he felt his heart sink. Why did he have to make the big reveal? Maker, it was she who changed the terms last second! He grimaced as he realized he held everyone's attention now and that he would be to blame for being the bearer of bad news. Cullen opened his mouth to begin and then promptly closed it, rethinking his word choice.

He tried again and found his tongue didn't want to work. _Come on Rutherford, it's just business_. It was and it wasn't. Normally he wouldn't have cared beyond the consequential irritation everyone would possess at having to try and retain the Mages a second time. But for whatever reason he didn't want Shai to think it was his fault. Which was ridiculous because he didn't necessarily care about her opinion of him. Or did he? His reluctance to break the news to her said otherwise. 

"The terms of the alliance that were proposed...uh they were...uh," he stopped and cleared his throat. "They were conscription." 

 _There...all hell can beak loose now_.


	18. Bitter

The cold air swirled around her as she sat with her back pressed against a tree. Her breath produced white puffs as she exhaled and she shivered. It was freezing now that the sun was down but Shai wasn't returning to her cabin until she had time to cool down, literally. To say the announcement of the offered conscription had gone over badly was an understatement.

She'd gaped at Cullen for a few seconds then completely exploded. She'd gestured wildly with her arms, shouted herself hoarse, thrown more than a few choice words around, and finally stormed out of the Chantry, nearly bowling over Mother Giselle in the process. 

It was in everyone's best interest that she take some alone time otherwise she wouldn't put it past herself to take someone's head off. Namely Cullen's...or Cassandra's. Of all the absolute, bigoted things they could've done. And why hadn't they waited for her to come back? Why wasn't she the one being sent?

Yes she'd run off but she hadn't run away. She needed some time, who didn't with all the crazy shit going on? None of them had the whole fate of Thedas riding on their stupid mark. But of course it had been only too convenient for them to move forward with approaching the Mages when she wasn't there to make sure everything was done fairly. 

Just thinking about the underhanded dealing made her anger resurface and sky rocket. She was seeing red and probably looked like she was mentally trying to burn a hole through the snow bank across from her. _Whatever, I hope this whole place burns to the ground_ , she seethed. Of all things she hadn't expected this.

She was the fucking Herald! Wasn't her say final?! Oh sure, when they needed her to close some damn rift or appear as the prophet to inspire the faithful then her opinion counted. But as soon as she didn't follow the Inquisition's agenda then it was goodbye any credence, hello backstabbing.

Her lip curled in a silent snarl while her fingers dug themselves into the snow. Safely secured in something inflammable she let sparks fly, feeling water trickle across her hand as the frozen matter melted. It wasn't nearly enough of an outlet. But throwing fireballs at the practice dummies would probably lead to something bigger and she didn't fancy spending her night throwing buckets of water on flaming buildings. 

Shai's head thumped against the tree trunk as she dropped it back. She growled lowly in her throat. The Inquisition had a Mage at its helm, why in the fuck were they so willing to treat the others as prisoners? Yes they'd rebelled violently but who wouldn't being constantly subjected to the tortures and degradation of the Circles? And it wasn't as if the Templars had handled things very well. Their reaction was to kill first and ask questions later. Yet the ones joining the Inquisition weren't conscripted even though the Order was as much at fault for the war tearing through the countryside.

Yes Alexius had taken over Redcliffe and was hell bent on using the Mages to further his work for the Elder One but it would be hard pressed for anyone to make the case that Fiona handed herself and the Mages over to him completely in the know. And Shai knew she could talk herself in circles until the end of time and it wouldn't change anyone's opinion. 

The only thing she could be grateful for was that Fiona had refused the deal. But even then it didn't help in the long run because she couldn't close the Breach all on her own. Though at this point she didn't feel much like helping the Inquisition. Only the knowledge that her failure to help would result in many innocent lives being lost kept her from throwing in the towel.

The advisors had barely been able to get a word in during her ranting, and even then she'd shouted over them, making sure her absolute feelings on the matter were known. However she had managed to catch Josephine trying to calm the situation by assuring the original plans hadn't been conscription. That of course only made Shai switch her target to Cassandra, whom Cullen had accidentally outed as the main culprit trying to diffuse the situation and explain what happened start to finish. 

Shai was definitely positive the Seeker hated her now if Cassandra hadn't already. There was nothing like being fiercely called a liar and a snake to inspire feelings of mutual like. But they'd never been shaping up to be the best of friends anyways so it wasn't an extreme loss. A crunching of footsteps made her turn and she silently screamed at the very clear figure of the Commander approaching.

How did he bloody well find her? She'd made sure to put herself as out of the way as possible without actually leaving Haven. Damned Templar and his tracking abili--wait. Her jaw worked as she ground her teeth. Her phylactery. He had to have it. She'd told Rhys to hand it over if they left to find her and her friend probably assumed their trip to the Mages was the search mission. 

She shoved to her feet and strode to intercept Cullen. Even in the dark she could register the look of surprise that crossed his features. Clearly he wasn't expecting her to come to him. Shai shot out a hand, palm up and fingers beckoning. 

"Give it." 

Her voice was like steel, hard and sharp. Cullen looked perfectly confused and she had to admit the acting job was fantastic. 

"I don't under--" 

"My phylactery Templar. Give it." 

His nostrils flared at the way she addressed him but Shai was past the point of niceties. He was the other half of the current problem and if they were this willing to undermine her wishes on the matter of the Mages then what other things were they all secretly pulling out from under her?  

"I don't have it." 

"Right. And we aren't staring the end of the damn world straight in its face. Hand it over...now." 

Cullen shook his head and crossed his arms. 

"I told you, I don't have it." 

"Then how else did you find me?"

"I followed the footprints," he admitted, sounding just a tad bit sheepish.  

Shai snorted in disbelief and distrust. _Right, like he would give up any bit of control over a Mage's whereabouts voluntarily_.   

"If you don't have it then where is it?" 

"I--I smashed it." 

"What?" 

She couldn't believe her ears. No, she'd definitely heard him wrong. He was lying. 

"I figured why it was created when you had Rhys deliver it to me upon our leaving, and since its purpose was solved by you returning I destroyed it." 

"I don't believe you." 

"I don't expect you to." 

She stared at him hard. He didn't flinch beneath her gaze and she searched his face for any tell tale twitch that would indicate he was being anything but truthful. 

"Where did you get rid of it?" 

"In the woods, away from anyone who'd know what it was." 

"Did anyone see you?" 

"You mean did I have any witnesses to calm your suspicions? No I did not." 

She rocked back on her heels, chewing her bottom lip. _So why is he even out here with me then_? Shai asked as much and Cullen's breath came out in a thin, white cloud as he sighed. 

"I uh--to talk." 

One hand slid to the back of his neck and the other propped itself on his hip. He was looking completely past her and to the side, her body not even in his line of sight anymore. 

"To talk," she echoed. 

"Yes. About what happened with the Mages." 

"Well I can pretty much sum that up for you Commander. You and the Seeker decided it was time to haul in some new prisoners. That's about all there is to it."

"You're wrong." 

"I'm wrong?! Oh by then all means correct me." 

"We don't want the Mages as our prisoners," he stated slowly as if he were working through the statement in his head as well. "But we cannot ignore certain precautions need to be set in place." 

"Then why the fuck didn't you lead with that?" 

"Because Cassandra--the Seeker beat me to it." 

"I sure as hell haven't heard about you correcting her yet." 

"Because," he broke off with an aggravated humph. "Because I didn't want to undermine her in front of everyone and prove we were so divided on the matter." 

"Then maybe you should've kept a tighter leash on her," Shai spit. 

"She's not a dog Herald," he snapped back. 

"Really? Because she sure acted the role of the bitch." 

"Low blow," he warned and his voice dropped a few octaves. "Even from you, that was low. Cassandra did what she thought best and I agree the Mages should not be given free reign." 

"Maker of course you do! Of course you don't agree because you have no idea what it's like on the other side! You never have. It's never your parents trying to drain the magic out of you by any way possible. It's never your families turning their backs on you because they can't have a scandal. You bloody Templars stay cushioned within your little 'holier than thou' mindset the Chantry spoon feeds you along with your stupid lyrium and you never stop to think what you're really doing." 

"That's not true!" 

"Yes the hell it is." She squared her front to his, stance battle ready. "It's true and you know it. Even if it hasn't pervaded your thick skull you know I'm right." 

"Why are you being like this now?" He asked and caught her off guard. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"What does it sound like? We've been getting along well enough and now you--what?" 

Shai dissolved into a fit of choked giggles. 

"You really thought...one little...fuck...would change everything?!" She struggled to draw breath between her words, her stomach starting to cramp from how theatrically forced her laughter was. She bent forward and braced her hands on her knees, glancing up to see Cullen' face completely pale and stern. 

"I didn't think one little...fuck...would change everything. But it seemed as if we'd ceased being at each other's throats." 

"Please, like I could ever respect a Templar let alone a disgraced ex one." 

He recoiled a bit like he'd been slapped and beneath her anger and hurt, she knew she'd gone too far. Immediately an apology was on her lips but she swallowed it down. 

"I see." 

"No you don't actually. If you'd seen then this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Let me lay it out for you nice and tidy. Mages are people and they are not, nor will they ever be, the Inquisition's prisoners. I intend to offer them a full alliance." 

"A full alliance cannot happen!" 

"Watch me," Shai growled and tried to stalk off but just like he'd done in the past, Cullen snagged her and forced her back into the conversation. 

"A full alliance cannot happen because magic is unpredictable and dangerous, even when used properly. It has nothing to do with wanting to imprison the Mages--" 

"Yes it does!" 

"Let me finish." 

"No!" Shai balled her hands into fists by her side and rose on her toes to give them more of an eye-to-eye field. "You need their help with the Breach and you can't get out of that but you'll all be damned before not punishing them for the rebellion!" 

"Do you know how many good people were lost during that?! Unnecessarily and completely out of selfishness?!" 

"And do you know how many good people were made tranquil unnecessarily and completely out of fear and malice and every other bad judgement your kind exercises?!" 

"We worked to protect!" 

"You worked to oppress. You always have. The Inquisition is no different, always caring what the Chantry's biased opinion might be." 

"The Inquisition is trying to do good! Maker, we're trying to put the world back together and you're standing her berating us for how we chose to do it!" 

"The ends don't justify the means." 

Cullen growled and the scar on his lip pulled upwards as his mouth curled into a snarl. "If you could just bother to calm down--" 

"If this situation was reversed and these were the Templars being conscripted then how would you react?" 

His silence said it all and she scoffed. "Exactly."

"That's beside the point." 

"Is it?" 

"Look I didn't come out here to argue with you." 

"No? You just wanted to talk, correct? Try and explain what happened? Try and sugar coat it?" 

"Nothing of the sort!" 

"Bullshit!" 

"You're being unreasonable!" 

"And you're being bigoted!" 

Cullen laughed bitterly and turned in a small circle, his hand running through his hair in frustration. "It doesn't seem anything I say will get through to you. You've already made up your mind not to listen, haven't you?" 

"Astute observation, Commander." 

He looked skyward as if there would be answers on how to deal with her written there. But the heavens were blank except for the dark of the night and a few blinking stars. Shai crossed her arms and shuffled her feet. By his own admission she was being impossible so why was he still standing here trying to parlay with her? She for one was more than done with their conversation. She had a fleeting thought that it would be easier to convince a rock to move on its own than convince Cullen to change his opinions.  

"I want you to know, I advocated for letting you decide the terms of the Mage's alliance. I was not in favor of making the decision for you." 

"How noble." 

Cullen gritted his teeth and his eyes glittered dangerously. "Take it as you will. I'm not the monster you make me out to be." 

"Your words, not mine." 

They stared at each other for a long moment, gazes locked as intensely as two bulls locking horns. Finally Cullen stepped closer, his height advantage making her crane her neck to still meet his eyes. 

"It is not my intention to sow discord within the Inquisition because of pasts we cannot change. If you take nothing else away from this, then understand that what I said is the truth. I am not your enemy, nor do I want to be. I do not see your concerns without sympathy." 

And then he turned and left, leaving her to bask in solitude once more and ponder the last of his words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never to fear, the two quarreling, kind-of-lovers will get their time in the spotlight soon.


	19. The Calm before the Storm

"That will be all." 

Cullen gave a curt nod to the two recruits who saluted before ducking out of his tent. As soon as they exited he leaned back in his chair. It was only eight in the morning but it was already shaping up to be a very long, drawn out day. The preparations for closing the Breach were, by his own doing, extremely detailed. Every possible strategy bore every possible outcome inscribed beneath it. He wanted to be ready for the worst while expecting the best.

If the Breach exploded and rained demons down upon them, he wanted to be sure no man of the Inquisition was lost. If the Breach couldn't be closed, he wanted to make sure they were all prepared for the next step. It was endless amounts of planning and he was positive he'd be dreaming about strategy when he retired for the night. 

The flaps of this tent reverberated gently, indicating someone knocking on the fabric. 

"Enter," he said, adjusting himself in his seat so he looked the part of in control Commander and not the worn down, weary, wits end man he felt inside. The flap parted and sunlight streamed into the dim interior, outlining a body which stepped forward hesitantly. When his eyes adjusted past the sudden onslaught of light, his spine straightened and he drew himself up.  

"Herald." 

"Commander." 

The greetings were curt and professional, stiff and uncomfortable as both parties were. 

"What can I do for you?" He ventured. 

It had been a few days since their explosive argument and they'd stayed completely out of each other's paths for the most part. He'd barely seen hide nor hair of Shai lately. Of course he'd been spending much time behind his desk but there were still long stretches of hours he stood with his recruits and hadn't seen her pass by. Not that his eyes had been searching her out, purposely looking for the familiar dark brown hair and flashing green eyes. 

He was just used to seeing her practice spells on the ice or hammer out new armor in the smithy. He'd grown accustomed to finding her distinct figure and picking it out amongst the many others of Haven. He didn't want to admit it but seeing her everyday was routine for him and now that he wasn't it felt, well, off. 

But to be in such close quarters with her after their very vehement quarrel...it wasn't on his list of things to be done. He took a deep breath, supposed to be calming, and nearly choked on it as he caught her familiar scent. That smell of honeysuckle started a warm pool in his belly and tickled something in his chest. It immediately recalled the memory of holding her to him as they dashed from Therinfal and of his arm around her back later. 

Deeper beneath those two came the scorching visions of the night when clothes had been naught between them and he shifted in his chair, the wood uncomfortably hard. Oh for the love of the Maker this couldn't be happening! He'd been basically sworn out by her only a few nights ago but one simple inhale and he was thinking about pressing his nose to her skin. 

It would probably be warm from the sun, a slight tinge of leather to it from her clothing. If he could, he would have kicked himself. If he hadn't thought himself in over his head before he certainly recognized the signs now. Because as much as he didn't want to think about it and didn't want to admit it to himself, the "one little fuck" they'd had wasn't staying that way in his mind as of late.

No, it was drawing him in towards the Herald into uncharted territory and it was filling his head with all kinds of made up fantasies he was at once abashed at having dreamt up. Perhaps it was because they'd never discussed what had happened between them. Perhaps it was because there was no closure, no definitive laying down of the law that it had been a one off. Though he guessed that was the intended nature of the happening. 

Now the gates that were keeping the memories caged were permanently open. And he, damn his foolish self, was relinquishing his much valued self control and allowing himself to indulge in scenarios he had no business indulging in; his will was split in two with the honorable half advising against continuing and the blackhearted half advising to go ahead and see where it took him.

The more time he spent around or near her, the worse it became. The more he was starting to want her in a way he hadn't ever felt so acutely. And how lovely that she was presently standing in front of him adding fuel to the fire. The Herald coughed awkwardly and he knew without a doubt he'd been staring, his face flushing at being caught. 

"I um I've come to...to talk," she declared.  

"I see...then by all means." 

He gestured toward the chair stationed in front of his desk and she folded into it, perched on the edge as if about to take flight. 

"The Mages are at Haven," she blurted before he could ask what topic she'd like to discuss. That took him by surprise and he blinked. 

"Did they come on their own?" 

"I went and visited with them."

"So soon..." 

"Yeah."

The conversation fell idle with both sitting awkwardly still. Cullen perused Shai's face, noting the way she drew her bottom lip between her teeth and ran them over it. Noted how one brow was slightly more raised than the other as she glanced to the side. Noticed how one hand was playing with the small pendant she wore around her neck he'd somehow never noticed before. She was every bit the outward picture of nervousness and discomfort.

He decided she would make a terrible chess player; he'd be able to read her every step of the game, anticipating her movements long before she made them. It made him curious though to test the theory, though he doubted they'd find themselves across from each other over a board anytime soon. The longer they sat in silence the more he found bits and pieces of their argument coming back to him. 

What did she refer to him as? Disgraced ex-Templar? Ah yes, that was a title he would probably never hear the end of. It had cut more than he thought it would. Half of that cut was probably owed to how unexpected the insult had been. But the words coming from her mouth seemed to bear an extra sharpness. Was it because he wanted her to see him as more than his past? As a man who had relinquished the Templar armor?   

There was a second label though... _right, bigot_. If he was bigoted because he valued safety above all else then so be it. He wouldn't endanger the lives of many to appease a few, even if those few were the only chance of closing the Breach. And even if the Herald had made a passionate argument for those few. And it had been _very_ passionate now that he had the time to digest the words she'd flung at his head so fiercely. 

What exactly was her reasoning? That the Mages were people? He didn't doubt that though he knew many did. She'd mentioned Templars didn't know how it was to be completely shut out from their families. He knew some probably were black sheep to begin with, but again no opposition from him that Mage children were definitively more punished by their parents. Had she been? The way she'd declared he didn't know what it was like to have your very essence drained out of you said that she did. 

He wondered how old she'd been when it happened. Had her parents ordered it as soon as she showed any abilities? Or had they waited and used it as a last ditch effort for their daughter to lead a normalized life and benefit the Trevelyan name? He remembered Shai mentioning she was engaged at one point, something their thorough Spymaster had neglected in her reports. Plus she didn't talk much about her family, at least not that he'd heard from anyone. 

Obviously she wouldn't be saying anything to him. Either way, it was something to keep in the back of his mind. As he'd told her, he wasn't without sympathy for her concerns and he'd read about some of the baser means thought to cure the taint of magic. They were brutal in nature, traumatizing, and to throw a child or even an adult into that...

What else? She'd said the Mages weren't prisoners and again he agreed. The Inquisition had no business trying to imprison them and if she hadn't been screaming so profusely at him he could've explained that better. But he'd been on the defensive for the majority of their argument, only able to shout back at her when she took a breath, which wasn't often.

He didn't want to be her enemy. He didn't want to always feel the deep reserves of tension well to the surface whenever they crossed paths. If he could let bygones be bygones and work towards establishing a better future then couldn't she?  

"....wanted me to speak with you." 

"Hmm?" He looked up realizing he'd started slouching the further into his thoughts he drew. The Herald was no longer perched on the edge of her chair. She stood just behind it, hands curled around the frame at the top, fingernails probably digging into the wood. 

"Josephine wanted me to speak with you." 

"Did she now?" 

It was taking him a second to reconnect to current events. 

"Yes. She did." 

"Ah." 

"But if you're too busy I can always come back later." 

Her voice was hopeful and he knew that later really meant never. He rested his elbows on his desk, bringing folded hands to rest in front of his mouth. "No, I'm quite at my leisure currently. What does the Ambassador need?" 

Shai looked like she'd just sucked on a lemon, clearly having wanted him to dismiss her. 

"It's more of what she wants."

"And that would be?" 

She exhaled roughly through her teeth and gestured irritatedly. Whatever Josephine had requested, it apparently had not been met with good reception. 

"She wants us to come to a middle ground...on the matter of the Mages." 

Cullen's mouth turned down at the corners and he grunted. This was not how he wanted to start his day.  

"What exactly does she want us to come to a middle ground on?" 

"Thetermsofthealliance," Shai mumbled so quickly he couldn't understand. 

"The what?" 

She sighed dramatically as if she'd spoken clear as day. 

"The terms of the alliance, Commander."

"And what would be the terms you have already given the Mages?" 

"None." 

"None?" 

He was expecting her to have forged ahead and cemented something that could not be undone yet here she was telling him, if his ears weren't deceitful, that she'd given the Mages nothing as of yet. Surprising but not without suspicion. 

"Then how did they--why did they agree to come?" He asked, leaning forward. 

Shai shrugged as if the answer should've been obvious. 

"They needed shelter and food and clothing. Cassandra already promised the Inquisition could provide that for them in return for their help and I seconded it...with some minor changes."

"And those changes would be?" 

"Well I didn't phrase it like a bargain for starters. The Grand Enchanter said that when she spoke to you two it sounded more of a contract and less of a helping hand. I simply did damage control." 

"And the others?"

"I promised them their freedom after the Breach is closed for good." 

Cullen's mouth shut with a click and he inhaled sharply. 

"And pray tell who agreed with that amendment?" 

"Well you'd be the first who's been told about it." 

"Of course I am," he muttered. Why was it always him who ended up being responsible for every stunt the Herald pulled? He was going to start losing his hair soon if he had to play clean up crew to her much longer. With any luck they'd be able to close the Breach sooner rather than later and he could distance himself from her, perhaps for forever. He doubted she'd stick along much after that as the Inquisition had been founded solely for that purpose.

It made no sense why he felt a little tug inside at the thought of never seeing Trevelyan again. It couldn't be that he possibly enjoyed the time they spent together. They were always bickering for Maker's sake! What kind of demented person looked forward to constantly fighting with someone? And wasn't it supposed to be a happy day when problem children were finally not darkening the doorstep anymore?

 _I wonder if that's how her parents viewed her_ , he thought sardonically and then immediately was shamed. Whatever Shai alluded to experiencing on behalf of the Bann and his Lady wife wasn't anything to joke about. He of all people knew how great and detrimental a person's misfortune could be. 

His cheeks heated at his mind's inner speculations and he coughed awkwardly. 

"Right then," he forged ahead. "What else have you promised the Mages?" 

"That's it. Just the general help they need and their freedom after the Breach is closed. It was...enough for Fiona to agree to bring them all here." 

"So the Ambassador is tasking us with determining the limitations they shall have during their stay at Haven, correct?" 

"It would appear that way, yes." 

"Then Herald I suggest you take a seat. We'll be at this for some time."

+++++++

Three hours later Cullen was able to roll a sheet of parchment into a missive to be delivered first to Josephine and then later discussed with the Grand Enchanter. He could say truthfully that the past hours had been excruciatingly draining and no small headache was now plaguing him. He'd been expecting the stubbornness from the Herald's side and wasn't disappointed. But what he hadn't been expecting was her newfound ability to completely turn him in circles every time he thought they had something resolved. He'd lost count of which way was up and which was down listening to her roundabout arguments. 

Consequently he'd been forced to revisit each of the drawn up terms no less than five times each! Every time Shai opened her mouth he'd gritted his teeth to keep from screaming. Maker, but was she never silent?! He should've let her talk herself to exhaustion in hindsight. But he'd been convinced he could wear her into submission and that had entered him into a verbal sparring match he wasn't quite sure if he'd won or lost.

Frankly he just hoped the words on the parchment made sense because he'd been writing while Shai was talking his ear off and more than once had started transcribing what she was saying in lieu of what needed to be written. Only time will tell, he thought wearily as he dragged a hand over his face.  

In the end they'd decided the Mages would be supervised by the Inquisition's Templars. There weren't enough to go around for every individual, so each was assigned four or five Mages to oversee. But the Templars would keep their distance unless it became necessary for them to intercede. Shai was less than thrilled with that and tried to talk him out of it but when he held firm she'd grudgingly relented. He'd reminded her it was better than absolute conscription, which only earned a rude gesture flashed in his direction. 

The two factions would receive separate housing to prevent fights as well as separate training sessions and a multitude of other, minor precautions. As for the freedom promised once the Breach was closed, that was something to be discussed with the entire war council. The terms had been slow going and painstaking and at last they were finished and as official as he could make them himself. 

Cullen summoned a recruit from outside his tent and placed the rolled missive in the man's hand. 

"Take this to Ambassador Montilyet. Tell her she may send for myself and the Herald if need be." 

"Yes ser." 

The recruit departed, striding purposely towards Haven's gates. He clasped his hands behind his back and turned to Shai who'd risen from her chair and was standing only a few feet from him.

"So," she said.

"So," he answered. 

"That's it then?" 

"That's it until Josephine proof reads our terms and finds things in need of improvement, if she finds them. And then I do believe we'll be speaking with the Grand Enchanter presently." 

"Wonderful," Shai grumbled, scuffing her boot against the tent's earthen floor. He wondered why she was still here given that he'd just sent their purpose for sharing the same space off to be delivered. Should he--should he make a declaration he was going to oversee his troops? Or that he had work to do? Should he sit down behind his desk once more and start rifling through papers? Would that be a big enough, non-verbal hint? 

It felt rude to try and get rid of her with gestures instead of a spoken dismissal. However, if their positions were switched he knew she wouldn't hesitate to give a blatantly clear indication he should take his leave. But he'd been raised better than that and he'd been confining himself to the high road with her. At least as much of the high road he could take after rutting her into the forest floor. 

Bloody hell...would that little indiscretion never leave him? What would she be thinking if she knew he was remembering how she'd felt around him? How it had felt to press himself into her softness? What if she knew that somewhere deep in his subconscious, he longed to have her beneath him again?  _Control, Rutherford._ _One "little fuck" hardly counts for anything_. 

Throwing her words back at himself helped. He cleared his throat, catching Shai's attention. 

"While this has been most entertaining..." 

"You have men to yell at, Mages to curse, recruits to stomp around on, I know the drill. You're a busy man Commander." 

She was trying to joke--at least he thought she was--but the Mage jab landed flat and his jaw ticked. 

"Yes." 

Shai's lips pursed at his short tone and she actually managed to look abashed. "I uh I was just joking." 

"So you say." 

"Really--I--I didn't mean anything by it." 

"I'll keep that in mind. But as I was saying--" 

"Right. Busy. So I'll just be going then." 

She sidled around him to the tent's flap and grasped the burlap in her right hand. Before flinging it open and stepping back into the day, she turned her head to the side, speaking over her shoulder.

"About the other night. I wasn't myself...so...iguessimsorry." 

And then she was gone. Cullen raised an eyebrow at her farewell, thinking he'd just heard an apology from her--garbled but an "I'm sorry" nevertheless--for possibly the first and last time. He'd been a little wary at how normal she'd pretended things were between them as they hammered out the Mage's regulations. Well as normal as it usually was with them, which meant awkward silences, clipped tones, all around outward hostility, and a wish to be anywhere but with each other. 

Frankly if the whole act of animosity could just be dropped, Shai might prove to be a pleasant person to be around. Of course nugs could also learn to fly at some point so he wasn't holding his breath. Cullen ran a hand through his hair and looked at his desk, debating whether he wanted to spend more time behind it or with his men.

Deciding on the latter he retrieved his sword from where it rested against his cot and strapped it to his person. Then he stepped out into the bright day, already barking orders at a man who presently fumbled his shield to the ground. _Never a moment of rest_ , he thought.

++++

Shai tossed a small stick towards the opposite wall of her cabin. Instead of scurrying after the makeshift toy, Miko only sat and stared at her, liquid black eyes unblinking. She huffed and picked another stick off the pile she'd brought inside with her. This time she threw it a little closer but still the nug didn't move. 

"You're hopeless," she told the creature. Miko sniffed, completely oblivious to the task she wished for him to complete. They'd been at fetch for some time now and as the minutes progressed Shai lost all hope her adopted pet would catch on to the game. 

"You're lucky you're cute," she remarked drily, leaning off her bed to scoop up Miko. He came willingly and snuggled into her lap. As of now, his existence was a secret, at least to her advisors. She had no doubt the Seeker would dispose of him quite willingly or at least arrange for him to "run away."

Little claws scraped against her breech clad thigh and she looked down to see Miko restlessly shifting about. The signs of needing to relieve himself were clear and Shai hurried the nug outside into the twilight. It was surprising how smart the animals were. Only a few accidents and reprimands and he was very nearly potty trained.

Thank the Maker too because she really didn't have any spare time to spend constantly cleaning up accidents. Miko padded around in the snow and Shai wrapped her arms around herself, hoping he wasn't in a dallying mood. If she was freezing in her thin undershirt then he most certainly was in his hairless state. Finally after turning in circles for what felt like forever, Miko stopped and stared at her. 

"Oh, my mistake your highness." 

She gave him his privacy, rolling her eyes at how spoiled he'd already become after only a couple days removed from his natural forest. But that was in part due to her carting him around like a baby and letting him get away with nearly everything. What could she say? Miko was almost her only source of daily comfort. She sighed as her thoughts ran back around to the looming task of closing the Breach. 

With the Mages agreed to the decided upon terms of their stay at Haven, the war council had moved forward. The date for the Breach was set in stone. There was no way to anticipate what might happen when her mark contacted the swirling mess. It could resolve itself painlessly or erupt in demons. Based on experience, Shai was leaning towards the latter.

The recruits were doubling their training regimes and the Mages were getting legitimate practice under the ever watchful, cautious eyes of Haven's Templars. There wasn't a solid way to prepare to fight against demons but Shai had still been appointed to give a seminar on the topic. It was a short discussion, circled mainly around "hit them with fire" and "just don't die."

Cullen, sitting in on the talks, had covered his amused laugh with a cough when she'd clapped her hands together and declared the gathered people dismissed. She didn't know what had been expected of her, but judging from the expressions ranging from confusion to outright worry, it hadn't been the speech she'd delivered.

So she wasn't a public orator, who cared? If, no more like when it came down to it, she could take the head off an approaching demon at a hundred yards. She'd always been of the opinion that actions spoke louder than words. 

Miko nudged her leg with his snout and she bent down to retrieve him. The warmth radiating from her cabin's fire encased them as they stepped back inside. Andraste's knickers, the Frostbacks did not fuck around. Her nose felt like it was freezing off just from the few minutes she'd stood in the snow. Granted the temperature dropped when the sun went down but wow, having no armor on was basically akin to standing naked. It made a huge difference by far. 

Exhausted, Shai dropped onto her bed ready to retire for the night. The day had been long and filled with breaking up squabbles between the Mages after they were told the date of approaching the Breach. Apparently half believed Fiona made the right decision bringing them to the Inquisition while the others thought their chances were better spent on their own. There were a few moments of rising panic when Shai believed some spells were going to start flying and draw the Templar's attention. Luckily everything resolved itself with nothing more than some very choice words. 

If Cullen had thought the advisors were divided when he and Cassandra went to meet the Mages, he'd obviously not seen the condition of their newest allies. She hated to think about it, but if the half that was against helping the Inquisition dug in their heels last minute then the rest would be marching without the full numbers needed. 

A disgruntled growl ripped from Shai's throat and she shoved to her feet. Her mind was going a mile a minute and she couldn't presently sleep. Staring at the ceiling of her cabin until her eyes grew heavy didn't appeal so she dressed and stepped outside. Miko followed her to the door, planting himself by it once she promised to be back shortly. 

"You'll be fine," she assured the chirp that accompanied her exit. It was nice to have someone wait for her return every time she left her cabin, even if that someone wasn't human. Shai's strides carried her down the pathway in front of her lodgings and then to the left away from the gates. She passed Varric's tent, a soft glow emanating from inside the burlap. _Of course he'd be the only other person up at this hour_ , she thought with a grin. _Probably hard at work on another story...and hopefully it's not about me_. She felt a little narcissistic but "The Tale of the Champion" wasn't exactly a non-existent book. 

Before long Shai was at the doors of the Chantry. A frown creased her brow. _Why here?_ Granted she wasn't paying attention to where she was walking but the Chantry was probably the last place she would ever seek comfort. Somewhat intrigued by her internal compass, she stepped into the large building. It was drafty as usual and she snugged the flaps of her coat around herself tighter. The heels of her boots tapped out a muted rhythm against the hall runner as she walked.

The candles that normally dotted the floor in groups were extinguished for the evening, leaving only the moonlight stealing through the high windows to illuminate her way. Lucky I know this place by heart, damn near. Still, that didn't stop her from sending something in her path skittering when her toe connected with it. She started to apologize then remembered there was no one around to hear. 

Her fingers wrapped around the cold metal of the war room door handle. It creaked as it turned and for a moment she thought it was locked. But access was granted and she stepped into the chambers whose discussions always ended up feeling like the blind leading the blind, at least to her. She stopped in her tracks as she realized she wasn't alone. The person who was bracing themselves with hands splayed on the war table looked up, but she recognized them even before her eyes met theirs. _Cullen. Perfect._  

"I couldn't sleep," she blurted as if that weren't obvious. What other reason would she have for wandering Haven in the dead of night? Cullen straightened and rubbed the back of his neck while simultaneously rolling it from side to side. It was the stretch of someone completely too wound for their own good. 

"You too?" He asked, voice pitched low in the silent room. Shai nodded and hesitated before taking a step closer to the table, extending one finger and trailing it absently along the wood. The tip of it crossed onto the map of Thedas and she drew small circles in the midst of the southern region. 

"This isn't going to be easy." 

"Nothing ever is anymore." 

Cullen didn't have to ask what her statement was in reference to; it was all anyone could think about. The Breach would finally be closed, or the Herald would die trying. Shai shivered involuntarily. She much preferred coming away from the ruined temple in one piece. 

"The Mages seem to be adapting alright," he commented, hands clasped behind his back. 

"They're doing well enough. Half of them think they shouldn't have come here at all." 

"So I've heard. They don't trust Fiona then?" 

"They don't trust us," she began then corrected herself. "I mean, not us, the Inquisition." 

"Ah." 

He directed his gaze away from her face to the map, staring at the placed markers. She desperately wanted to pick one up and juggle it from hand to hand just to have something to do. The air was always so awkward and unpredictable between them. It was like normal conversation completely failed her in Cullen's presence when they weren't fighting.

There were only a few instances, very rare in nature, where they actually managed a meeting without nearly coming to blows. The other day deciding the Mage's terms and conditions had been one, the discussion at Redcliffe another, and before that she couldn't think of any. 

 _Are we truly always so spiteful with each other? Well...not we_. She knew she was to blame for flying off the handle with him for no reason other than she liked to oppose a Templar. But he wasn't anymore so where did the deeply ingrained inability to start fresh lie? Her stubbornness for one. Then the fact she didn't quite know how to deal with her changing emotions made two. Shai prided herself on many things and being a fool was not one of them.

She wasn't blind or dead inside. She knew the little, internal tugs she got around Cullen weren't going to lessen. If anything they were going to grow stronger. Somewhere at some unbeknownst space in time the switch she had been keeping resolutely off had flickered on. And that harbored nothing but trouble, and worlds of it. 

Could it be too big of a presumption to think that he still viewed her as he first had? Well no, she could answer that; he wouldn't have slept with her no matter how badly he wanted to in the early days of their acquaintance. They could barely even look in each other's general direction then without snarls for Maker's sake. So something has changed on his end. But how much of a change remained to be seen, if it ever did. 

"Are you ready? For the Breach I mean?" 

"What?" She'd drifted into her own world and found she was staring at the map dazedly. She snapped her gaze back to Cullen. 

"Are you ready to approach the Breach?" 

"Is anyone?" 

"No," he replied truthfully after a moment. "And I doubt they ever will be." 

"You included?" 

He was silent and ponderous and she chewed her lip as she waited for his response. 

"I'm--I'm as prepared as I'll ever be, I think." 

"And on a scale of 'please don't make me go' to 'let's kick some demon arse,' what are you?" 

"I believe I'll be a 'not going to piss myself.' " 

The answer was so unlike him, so blatant and blunt, she stared with bugged eyes then snorted loudly and dissolved into giggles. _The Commander had a sense of humor?_ _Dry but there, surprising but not unbelievable_. 

"That'll probably boost the faith of the recruits in their leader." 

"I think a good majority of them look to you as their leader actually." 

Her remark had been teasing and his caught her completely unawares by the gravity it held. Then a thin veil of panic settled over her and she swallowed with a throat suddenly gone dry. Her emotion must've clearly shown on her face because Cullen looked instantly apologetic  and cautiously came around the war table to her. He seemed at a cross roads of whether to put a hand on her shoulder or let her be, standing awkwardly close then backing up a respectable distance. 

They thought of her as their leader? That was insane! Yeah she had the mark and the power to close rifts and she'd been thrown into the role of Herald but that hardly made her someone to look to for direction! Not to mention putting their lives in her hands.

Because that's what soldiers did, they trusted their leaders with their very beings. And she didn't want to be responsible for any of it. She was still at the stage of bumping into walls and tripping over her own feet. How could anyone look at that and call it solid leadership? 

"You don't mean that," she breathed shakily, her hands clutching the edge of the table. If she'd been a faint-of-heart person then she probably would've connected with the floor by now. But she'd grown a thick skin through the years and this was only a minor setback, a minor bump in the road. 

"It uh--" Cullen broke off mid sentence and coughed. "It hasn't been said explicitly but it's easy to read in their demeanor, in the way they refer to you in conversation. I've spent enough time around my men to know when they think highly of someone."

"Thinking highly of me isn't the same as seeing me as their leader," she argued, shaking her head infinitesimally. 

"Well no," he began. "But it's-- Maker I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. You've got enough to think about already." 

She ran her tongue over her lips briskly. He was right, she did have enough on her plate without more being heaped on. Yet she knew it wasn't a comment made out of malice. Just his tendency to put his foot in his mouth when talking that she'd noticed. _And why do you suddenly find that to be a good thing, an endearing thing?_ She didn't...yet she did. 

"It's alright," she tried to say but it came out instead as a whisper. "It's alright," she said again, stronger. He nodded and looked vaguely uncomfortable, hands flexing at his sides. 

"It wasn't meant to upset you. I thought--never mind." 

"No, tell me." 

 _No, don't ask that. He's going to say something worse about how much everyone's looking to you. Well it was better to be prepared than have it blindside you later,_ she decided firmly. Cullen sighed and shuffled his feet. 

"I was going to say it was meant to be...uplifting? A compliment?" He sounded completely unsure of his answer and Shai silently counted the seconds before his hand, true to form, shot to the back of his neck. _A very nervous tell he's got there_. "But I phrased it wrong. As usual." 

"No I I read too far into it. You were fine."

He chuckled lightly. "Rarely am I ever fine." 

_Now that was definitely a double entendre._

His eyes widened at his word choice and she could see the color about to enter his cheeks but she plowed ahead, pretending to not have interpreted his words correctly. "I insist, I overreacted. Do you really think I'd miss a chance to chew you out over something?" 

He made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like a suppressed laugh, like he wasn't sure if that was a joke or not. _Or maybe it hit a little too close to home_ , she thought. 

"I was kidding...for the record." 

"I know."

"Oh..." She made a face, keeping herself slightly turned from Cullen so he couldn't see it. 

Fancy they were both awake and traipsing around and happened to end up in the same room. And fancy even further, even just weeks ago, she probably would've stormed out upon seeing him, completely unable to share the same space. And now he was standing not even three feet away and she wasn't magically combusting at his close presence. The tension was gone and it was...refreshing. The cloak of the night seemed to soothe and relax, removing the daily inhibitions that normally circled them. 

"Would you--that is if it doesn't make what I've said worse--which I hope it doesn't but--I have a temporary strategy..."

"For the Breach?" 

"For the Breach." 

"Well by all means, lecture away Commander." 

He grinned at her amicable use of his title instead of the one laced with disgust, and gestured toward the map. Only then did she notice the smaller pegs that had magically appeared amongst the larger markers. His doing? It was the most practical explanation. 

"What I'm hoping for, with the recruits of course, is to stabilize the outer perimeter with the less experienced men. Should something go wrong, and hopefully it doesn't, they will not have to face the worst of the damage. Meanwhile, my more senior recruits will be closest to the Breach, protecting both you and the Mages. Your companions will also be front line support, save Solas, Vivienne, Rhys, and Dorian. I believe they'll do the best work alongside the Mages, offering guidance if need be. The Seeker has already volunteered to escort you through to the Breach. She will take you to the foot of it." 

"And where will you be?" She asked Cullen, not missing he hadn't inserted himself into the game plan yet. 

"I will be with the rest of the Templars...standing sentinel behind the Mages. Should stray magic from the Breach--" 

"Cause any abominations," she finished for him, but it was said matter of factly. To tell the truth, she hadn't considered what could happen to the Mages coming into such close contact with an opening to the Fade. She hadn't even considered what could happen to _her_. But possession was certainly an option. 

"Yes," he began cautiously, gauging her reaction. "Should that happen--which Maker willing it won't--there needs to be someone ready to deal with...the consequences." 

"You've certainly crossed all your T's and dotted your I's." 

He blushed, at least she thought he did, and his fingers did a skittering dance across the map as he busied himself. 

"Yes well uh, sense of habit to do that." 

"It's not a bad thing." 

Cullen looked up at her, probably trying to see if she was mocking him. When her face remained honest, a slow, crooked smile curved his lips. _Bloody hell_... Even in the dark she could see the features he kept schooled in a stern expression all day were...highly attractive.

Well duh, she hadn't ever denied he was attractive, just that she felt no attraction towards him. Which wasn't true anymore. Shai absentmindedly wrapped her fingers around a marker and spun it mildly, watching it topple onto its side after a few seconds. Immediately she realized she'd completely displaced it. 

"Shit I'm sorry." She fumbled to put it back in its proper place, cognizant of Cullen watching her, when his hand settled on her wrist and halted her efforts. 

"It's alright. That wasn't mine." 

Her eyes swept over his bare skin, becoming aware for the first time since she'd stepped into the room that he wasn't in his usual armor. He was clad only in dark brown breeches and a white shirt, open at the neck. Consequently, his hands were also freed from his gloves and the feel of his calloused fingers against her wrist sent jolts of electricity through her body. Painfully slowly she brought her gaze to meet his. 

Golden eyes were enhanced by the darkness as they perused her face, deeper in color than normal. Cullen's mouth parted silently, his brows raising. Shai caught her bottom lip with her teeth, her own eyes widening. They were both surprised at the continued touch and the seconds ticked by without either moving. She blinked lazily and found herself leaning closer. It was either the lack of light or her imagination because Cullen was doing the same.

There was a moment of held breath between them, of hesitation, of a chance to turn back. And then his mouth was ever so cautiously meeting hers. This was much different than the first kiss they'd shared. There was no clashing of teeth, no joining of tongues with abandon. Cullen's lips remained closed against her own, soft and pliant. Warmth blossomed in her chest and she inhaled his scent. He smelled like crisp cold--if that had a smell-- soap, and the ever constant leather. There was a hint of spice beneath those three and she took another breath. _Maker.._.

Cullen's hand came to tentatively rest against her jaw, his thumb against her cheek giving a small stroke at the same time his tongue darted against her lips. Shai hummed lowly, a completely involuntary noise. She was on the brink of stepping closer, hands going to clutch him, of falling further into the kiss when suddenly he was gone.

Her eyes fluttered open to find Cullen having backed away, his arms ramrod straight at his sides. Her mind tumbled over itself in confusion. _Was something wrong?_  Before she could pose the question he solved the dilemma for her. 

"Herald I'm--I don't know what came over me. I'm so sorry." 

She gawked as he made for the door and barely paused between the moment he pulled it open and the one where he hurried through it. She could hear the sound of his retreating footsteps ebb as he disappeared down the hall towards the Chantry doors. Dimly she heard those open and close as well and then everything was deafeningly silent. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some action finally, yeah? Only a bit until everyone's favorite god magister arrives :p


	20. In Your Heart Shall Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit long of a chapter.

_Then the Maker said:_

  
_To you, My second-born, I grant this gift:_

  
_In your heart shall burn_

  
_An unquenchable flame_

  
_All-consuming, and never satisfied._

* * *

Cullen sat astride Vigilance as the big bay plodded along beside the line of marching soldiers. He was resolute in the saddle, shoulders thrown back, jaw set. The Breach beckoned from the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes; its swirling, green existence shone like a beacon. But it wasn't a beacon of hope, it was one of downfall. _You can't afford to think like that_ , he chided himself, _not right now not at this instance._

"Nervous Commander?" 

The Seeker trotted up next to him, reins held tightly in one hand while the other rested on her thigh. The scar that cut through her cheek stood out sharply today and her eyes were lit with determination. Far be it for anyone to get in Cassandra Pentaghast's way when she was so close to her goal. 

"No," he said. That was a lie. His gut had been twisting and turning itself into knots all morning. He'd barely been able to choke down any food, only stomaching a few glasses of water. His recruits had been in similar shape. Some of the more battle hardened ones joked with each other darkly as soldiers are prone to do. But the younger men sat in silence, staring out at the world with fear ringed eyes. 

He'd laid his hand on a trembling shoulder more than once as they prepared themselves for the march to the temple. There had been no balking at the last minute on his men's part and for that he was grateful. The last minutes were always the worst because that was when the sheer understanding of what was to happen set in. He shifted his weight and let his eyes follow the snaking line of recruits to the head of the procession. 

There rode the Herald atop her black stallion. Rhys flanked her on the left while the rest of her companions followed closely behind. He couldn't see her face from where he was, obviously, but he could discern from her posture it was probably grim. She'd spent the days leading up to the Breach practicing on the frozen lake from early in the morning until long after the sun had begun its descent in the sky.

Then and only then would she retreat to her cabin. He'd been worried she'd exhaust herself so much that closing the Breach would finish her off, but he couldn't suggest that. He'd stayed out of her path since their night in the war room. 

He didn't want her to see the embarrassment etched on his face every time he thought of how he'd so brazenly kissed her. She hadn't asked for it, very well might not have wanted it, and he'd just gone ahead and done it. Why? Because she'd looked so kissable in that moment and that was the cold, hard truth. He wanted her so he took and Maker help him he didn't derive any pleasure from his actions now. _But she didn't pull away_ , he'd reasoned with himself.

She was leaning in to you, you fool and then you ruined it like you ruin everything. He'd pulled away because in another instant he would've crushed her to him. Her scent, her taste, the feel of her skin beneath his calloused thumb as he ran it across her cheek...it was all almost too much so he'd removed himself from the overwhelming temptation to re-enact their night in the forest. But with a bit more finesse, of course. 

Maker's breath, he was starting to like her. He couldn't ignore it after all that. He'd been fighting it and right when he'd thought he had it under control, he went and blew his resolve all to hell! And even if she'd liked the kiss, what must she think of him now for running away like he did? _Coward_ , he chastised his person. _Coward, coward, cow--_

"Commander." 

Cullen turned to see Rylen cantering towards him, his second-in-command's roan Forder churning snow with its hooves. 

"Rylen." 

"All good so far, ser. The men are nervous but as a whole I ken they're just itchin' to get the whole thing over with." 

"I expected as much," Cullen agreed. He was as well. The sooner the Breach was closed, the easier he would breathe. 

But what would happen when it was all over and done with? The whole purpose of the Inquisition was to fix the sky. Once that goal was accomplished, well there wouldn't be a need for the organization anymore. There wouldn't be a need for the Herald or her mark. The Mages would be free to go per agreement and she would as well. The Breach was the main problem, the thing their lives revolved around resolving.

He didn't like the endless amounts of demons spawning everywhere, but there was a small part of him that would miss the involvement in helping the world back to normal. And there was another part, bigger than that, that didn't want to see the back end of Shai walking away forever. 

As he'd said his morning prayers before the dawn, he'd added that this wouldn't kill her. The war council had spoken privately on more than a few occasions about how the Herald's mark was doing harm to her. Solas in the early days after the Temple's destruction and the Divine's death had stated, in no uncertain terms, that the mark was a parasite feeding off its host.

At that time, she had been a criminal to them all, a means to an end. He was intensely guilted now thinking of how he'd dismissed her life so easily, only concerned about righting the world. But now that he knew the person, well somewhat knew the person the Herald was, he couldn't stand by and watch her die. Even if it was for the greater good, it would be a sizable blow. 

Before long what was left of the Temple of Sacred Ashes was looming in front of them. Cullen called a halt to his men, bidding them to wait for further instruction as he spurred Vigilance to the front of the group. The Seeker, who'd stayed beside him in silence for the entire trek, kept pace on her own mount. 

"Herald," he acknowledged Shai. She broke her eyes away from staring at the ruined temple and he saw in their depths, for a fleeting second, despair. It made his chest squeeze. _Maker, is she thinking these are her last moments alive?_

"Are you ready?" Cassandra asked more quietly than he'd ever heard her speak. 

"As much as I'll ever be," Shai responded. Her voice was neutral and didn't waiver but her chin gave a slight wobble. 

"Then we should probably get everyone in position," Cullen advised gently. He didn't want to rush anyone into this, least of all the Herald, but they wouldn't be able to put off going forward for long. 

Shai nodded and swung down from Phaeron, patting the black horse's muscled neck. Her companions followed suit and grouped around her, almost like a support system. The Iron Bull stood directly next to her left shoulder perusing the sky critically. 

"Well...this is gonna fuckin' suck," he breathed. 

"I thought the bigger the better in your book?" Shai teased but her heart didn't sound in the comment. 

"Yeah, that's dragons and shit. Stuff I know can be killed. This...this is a lot different." 

"Chin up. The worst it can do is explode and vaporize us," Dorian said. 

"Vaporize? Like completely smash? Like pfft, boom, whoosh, that kinda thing?" Sera asked, her nose wrinkling. 

"I would say it's more along the lines of excruciating agony," Varric assured, his beloved Bianca already in his hands. 

"Thanks mate, feel a lot better now," Rhys laughed shakily. 

"We're not going to solve anything just standing around speculating." Blackwall's congested tone rang out as the voice of reason, the aged Warden calling the obvious. 

"Well said. We can't know what will happen for sure, my dear. Perhaps the numbers we've brought will be enough," Vivienne put in to Shai. 

"That will certainly become apparent soon. Herald you should know, your mark is the key to solving this but the amount of power that will be poured into it might--" 

"Kill me," Shai interrupted Solas in a matter-of-fact tone. 

"Yes," was all the elf returned with and Cullen's stomach sank. 

"You can't know that for certain," he jumped in, trying to keep out the note of desperation he suddenly felt. This was all happening too fast, too abruptly. They needed more time, just a few more minutes to collect themselves. But it was not to be. Solas shrugged, his expression never changing. 

"I can't, but I can hypothesize." 

"Whatever the case, we're behind you, Flash," Varric said with a quick pat to Shai's arm.  

"You have my sword and my shield milady," Blackwall declared.  

"This is gonna be one big pile of shite," Sera grumbled and Dorian elbowed her roughly. "Yeah I'm with everyone else," she amended, shooting the Mage a dirty look. The rest of the Herald's companions murmured their support and Shai squared her shoulders, giving them each a look of thanks. Cullen wanted to add in his own send off, his own wish of luck, but he bit his tongue and kept his sentiments to himself. Coward. 

"Well then, let's do this." 

He watched as Shai stalked forward, headed for the opening into the temple. Cullen twisted in his saddle and signaled for Rylen. 

"Take the men and get them in position. I'll handle the Mages. We wait for the Herald's signal." 

Rylen saluted and left off to bark orders. Soon the recruits were filing into the temple, their feet steadily marching together. 

His mouth went bone dry and he smacked his lips trying to get them to work again. _Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide..._

"Commander Cullen?" 

_I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the beyond..._

"Commander?" 

"Hmm?" 

Cullen looked down to see Fiona standing beside his stirrup, her face pale but firm. 

"Grand Enchanter, my apologies I was--" 

"Praying for our good fortune," she interrupted and he smiled guiltily, casting his eyes back towards the Breach. 

"Force of habit." 

"But of course. My people are ready when you are." 

He bowed slightly and looked to the temple entrance where the last batch of his men were disappearing. 

"Then we'd best continue." 

Fiona nodded and backed away to gather the Mages to her. On a whim Cullen called to halt her stride. 

"Grand Enchanter...whatever the outcome...thank you." 

They were all united now, Mage and Templar, warrior and rogue, believers and non-believers; there would be no distinctions made amongst their classes today. Fiona seemed surprised by his admonition, but she bowed serenely. 

"Whatever the outcome," she echoed with a faint curl of her lips. He watched her return to the Mages, raising her arms for silence. This was it. The Breach would be closed for good...he hoped. 

_Yet shall the Maker be my guide..._

++++

"Help," she croaked, the word coming out barely audible. She tried to wet her frozen, cracked lips with her tongue, to try again, but found her mouth was unhelpfully dry.

 _So this is how it ends_ , she thought bitterly. _I'm going to freeze to death lost, alone, and unheard but thank the Maker I survived Corypheus_. She tried to smile at the irony and failed miserably; her face hurt too much from the bite of the cold. In fact, everything hurt; her ribs, her head, her ankles, her back, her shoulder, but the most prominent hurt came from the mark on her hand, the mark this grotesque monster wanted so badly. 

It was hard to believe that just two hours ago the streets of Haven had been on fire, but with fervent celebration instead of the chaotic flames that would soon claim them. Tables had been set up and laden with platters of food drummed up at the last second by Haven's cooks and the tavern had generously provided every cask of wine and barrel of ale they had in their possession.

The tents in front of the chantry had been cleared to make way for a bonfire and the tavern bard had struck up a lively tune on her mandolin. Soon the townspeople were joining in, linking arms and twirling each other around, their laughter filling the night air with warmth. 

She'd been hesitant to join in at first; while her mother had recruited only the best masters to teach her the art of dance, it had been many years since she'd tucked up her skirts and abandoned herself to the music. But after a bit, with such contagious happiness surrounding her and a mug brimming with ale to add some liquid courage, she'd allowed Dorian and Rhys to simultaneously sweep her off her feet and deposit her right in the middle of the dancers.

They'd immediately engulfed her, whirling her around with them faster and faster until her own laughter had pealed from her throat to rise up with theirs. Maker, but she hadn't had that much fun in...well in forever. Her childhood had been full of stifling rules and constant observances of noble customs, grooming her to one day become the prized gem in her family's crown to increase their worldly status. 

Her smile had morphed into a frown at her reminiscing and she probably would've excused herself from the dancing if Bull hadn't suddenly appeared and lifted her into a crushing, bear hug, swinging her from side to side as he presumably tried to squeeze the life from her. 

"Boss! Congratulations!" He'd bellowed, the smell of ale strong on his breath. He'd claimed a whole barrel for himself, disregarding any available mugs and instead opening a hole in the bottom of the barrel, preferring to drink straight from it instead.

She'd felt the anger at her family drain away and by the time she was settled roughly back onto her feet, her smile was back in place. Her head spinning more than a little from all the excitement, she'd retreated a safe distance away, content to just observe the festivities. 

"I believe I have yet to offer you my congratulations on your success today," a  soft, clipped voice came from over her left shoulder. She had turned to see Cullen standing not far away. 

"Thank you, Commander..."

She didn't know what else to add and Cullen had started walking away, rubbing stiffly at the back of his neck. 

"Your soldiers did well," she blurted. For a second she didn't think that he'd heard her, but then he stopped and turned to face her, the hand that had been rubbing his neck now resting on the pommel of his sword. 

"Thank you, Herald. I will pass along the compliment." 

And with a slight bow he was gone. She'd sighed in irritation; were they truly back to square one just because of one little kiss? She'd wanted more of it damnit, more of him. And he'd gone back to only addressing her when necessary or in a group. But had he not just come to seek her out personally this time?

So if she could catch him still alone...Swearing under her breath she started after Cullen and got about five steps before the first bell rang. And with that sound, a night that wouldn't end until Haven and over half of its townspeople lay buried beneath layers of pristine, white snow began. 

And here she was what felt like an eternity later, Maker knew where feeling her knees go numb from the cold seeping in through her leathers. She realized dazedly that she was bleeding and quite badly too; her right hand was sticky with blood where it was pressed against her side.

Her left arm was hanging limply, dislocated or broken she couldn't tell; all she knew was that it felt like it was on fire from the Mark on her palm all the way up to her shoulder. 

"Help....please....I'm here." 

There was of course no answer. Nothing but silence greeted her. She looked left to right then up. No immediate way out, no discernible features of where she had wound up. The last thing she remembered was setting the trebuchet off and then everything had gone black. She was sure there was something in between there, some running and definitely some falling, but her brain was frustratingly blank. 

Her knees felt numb and she rested a hand against the ground. Cold beneath her fingers, ice on top of what could have been stone? Or more snow. Who knew. It was too dim to tell. 

"Help," she called again. Her plea bounced back to her, a slight echo to the words. So she was inside something. That didn't do much in the way of calming. Inside something could be anywhere, though it was most likely beneath Haven. _Oh sweet Maker no_...was she buried with the town? Was she currently beneath the layers of dead and burning houses and destruction she'd brought down upon innocent people? 

A ragged sob broke from her throat and she staggered to her feet. She couldn't stay here, she had to get out. She couldn't breathe. Why couldn't she breathe?! She took a step then another, proceeding forward in a lurching gait. Every contact of her foot against the ground sent bolts of agony shooting through her body. Was she even going in the right direction? For all she knew the exit could be behind her.

She needed a light, a flame, something. Her hand curled reflexively and she worked to pool her mana. Her fingertips tingled and then...nothing. Not even a small spark to give hope. She felt tears prick her eyes and blinked them away. 

Her magic had never failed to work before. Was she that bad off? Her ribs and head gave simultaneous throbs as if on cue. She groaned and stumbled to the side, rebounding off the wall that she encountered. The impact jarred her already battered left shoulder and a wave of nausea crashed over her. She went momentarily blind with pain, the surge of it taking her back to her knees. The world went white then black. She blinked hard, trying to retrieve her eyesight and footing. 

A crackling sound came from overhead and a few snow flurries floated down upon her head. So was she underground then? In a cave maybe? Except what cave had been beneath Haven that the Inquisition didn't know about? The earth hadn't just decided to open and swallow her. She'd come through an opening...right?

Maker, if only her memories weren't a solid blur. She'd had to have hit her head. It wasn't ringing this badly from nothing. Maybe her narrow escape from Corypheus would come back in enough detail to relay it to--

"The Inquisition," she breathed. Where were they? Had they made it out? Wait, yes they had. Cullen had sent a signal to deploy the last trebuchet once they'd gotten above the tree line. Cullen...was she going to see him again? Was he looking for her along with the others? She wanted to believe that, wanted to believe someone was coming back for her.

But if she didn't even know where she was then...well the chances were slim any search and rescue missions would succeed. She drew a shaky breath. That couldn't happen. She was not going to die here. Not in some unknown, forsaken place where her body might never be recovered. She was making it out, even if it killed her. 

She cried out sharply as her side gave an angry twist. Blood coursed over her skin and she felt light headed. With no magic to heal herself, trying to make it back to civilization could very well be her end. She sent a fervent prayer to the heavens, something she'd done very few times in her life. Whether anyone above heard her would be seen shortly. She got up, put one foot in front of the other, and labored onward. 

++++

"We have to go back!"

"We aren't in a position to do that right now!" 

"That's bullshit! We can't leave her behind!"

"The entire town is buried! We have no idea of knowing if she's even alive!" 

"She's not dead!" 

"You don't know that for sure! We'll waste precious time wandering in circles trying to find her in this mess tonight!"  

Rhys's eyes darkened and Cullen steeled himself to restrain the tempestuous man. They were trapped in the middle of the Frostbacks, no proper lodging, no proper healers for the wounded, no proper food, no proper anything. Already bodies were being carried away every few minutes as more of the survivors succumbed to their injuries. The Inquisition's focus had to be on keeping people alive currently, not running a suicide mission through the night in knee deep snow. 

"None of you even care if she's dead do you?!" Rhys shouted angrily. Cullen's stomach twisted and a muscle in his cheek twitched. Not care if the Herald was dead? Of course he cared! He bloody well cared! He wanted to find her as much as the next person but there were other people to care for too! He couldn't just drop everything and go, much as he wanted to. 

Maker, she could be buried beneath layers of snow. Who was to know if she'd escaped the ensuing avalanche? She and her companions had been separated by the Elder One (bloody hell it was still so hard to believe) and his dragon or whatever it'd been. No one had seen heads or tails of Shai after. 

He'd kept the survivors waiting above the tree line, hoping against hope he'd see the green light of the mark flaring against the night followed by the Herald's unmistakable figure. But no one had come, _she_ hadn't come, and at last they'd been forced to continue. He didn't think she was dead, couldn't believe she was dead. No one wanted to. They'd all thought the Breach was the worst that could happen. Now they had some crazy monster to contend with and the Herald was needed more than ever. And she was gone. 

 _Not gone_ , he corrected himself. _Missing. She was only missing..._

"Oi, Templar, I'm talking to you!" 

Cullen stumbled as Rhys planted his hands against the Commander's cuirass and shoved. Immediately Cullen's hand went to the hilt of his sword, and he withdrew the weapon partly. Rhys's teeth bared in a snarl and the crackle of magic floated about restlessly. 

"No! This is not the time!" 

The Seeker jumped between them, one hand outstretched towards each man. She turned hard eyes upon Cullen and he reined in his sudden burst of retaliation. _Patience Rutherford, everyone's under a lot of stress_. Rhys wasn't so easily subdued and he stepped towards Cassandra until her hand was planted against his chest. 

"You're all a bunch of fuckin' cowards. You threw her into this fuckin' role and you're leavin' her to die!" 

"No one is leaving anyone, least of all the Herald," Leliana interceded from her place on the sidelines. Grouped behind her were Josephine and a fair amount of survivors, including Shai's companions. Cullen's eyes flickered over wary faces unsure of whether a full fledged fight was about to unfold. 

"Then lets. Go. Back!" Rhys spit each word through clenched teeth, the cords in his neck standing out. Cullen's muscles coiled in response. 

"We are completely disorganized with no place to go! Stabilizing the people must be the first priority," Cassandra declared forcefully. 

"Fuck the people! And fuck all of you," Rhys swore heatedly.

"Please stop this! We must calm down!" Josephine wrung her hands fervently, her eyes tracking back and forth from Cullen to Cassandra to Rhys and then repeating the circuit. The Herald's friend suddenly vanished from the other side of the Seeker and Cullen was whirled around as a pair of angry hands fisted in the fur of his mantle. Rhys was nose to nose with him in the next instant, the Mage's grey eyes flashing. 

"Whatever happens, whether we find her or not, it's on you. You sent her back out, you sent her to delay that fuckin' monster with her life. That's. On. You." 

Cullen's skin prickled and his heart froze. As driven mad with loss as Rhys was, he spoke the truth. It _was_ Cullen's fault. He had let Shai go back on her own. The town had been gone at that point, they wouldn't have lost anything more if she'd abandoned it with them. They'd probably have been able to make it out without the need for buying some extra time. It would've been close, but it could have been done.  

And he'd sent her back into the fray with all but a giant target painted upon her back. _Fool, you're a damned, bloody fool. Her blood is on you. Her blood...on you_. Rhys gave him a hard shake. 

"Nothing to say to that? Cuz you know it's true don't you?" 

"Enough!" The Seeker's voice cracked like a whip and in another second Cullen was unhanded. The Iron Bull materialized behind Rhys, expression cautious. 

"Easy now," the giant warrior rumbled lowly. Dorian appeared next and placed a hand squarely in the middle of Rhys's chest. 

"It's not worth it," the Tevinter warned quietly. "We'll find her, but we can't do it like this." 

Rhys seemed to take the warning to heart and he nodded grudgingly. Both Dorian and the Iron Bull relaxed and gave the Herald's friend some space. A shout of surprise went up and Cullen saw stars as his head rocked back. He reeled and dropped to the ground, jaw throbbing. Through watering eyes he saw Rhys being wrestled to the ground, his shoulders twitching as he fought the Iron Bull. 

"Hey! Knock it off damnit!" The Qunari shouted. Cullen brought a hand to just the right of his chin, gingerly rubbing the spot where Rhys had decked him. He definitely hadn't seen that punch coming and a salty, coppery tang permeated his mouth. He pooled saliva and spat to the side, the snow turning red with blood. The Seeker knelt beside him, hands helping him up. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Fine," Cullen said and spat again. He'd bitten a sizable dent into his cheek and it stung something fierce. Rhys was once again standing, snow caking the front of his clothing. A few Inquisition men had taken Bull's place in restraining the Mage and Rhys's arms were locked tightly behind his back. 

"Take him to a tent until he calms down," Cullen ordered stiffly. "And make sure he's kept under watch." 

"Fuck you," Rhys reiterated. 

"And gag him if you must," Cullen retorted. 

He watched until the Herald's friend was out of sight, listening to the man's heavy swearing finally fade away. He moved his jaw experimentally, deducing he'd have nothing worse than some soreness and a bruise. 

"I didn't think he'd be this much of a problem," Cassandra remarked, eyes narrowed. 

"He isn't. He's just upset." 

"We're all upset yet none of us have resorted to fighting." 

Cullen didn't feel like answering that and he started striding away. 

"Where are you going?" 

"You and you, gather some packs together and return to me," he commanded, ignoring Cassandra's question. Two recruits saluted and scurried off at his directions. 

"Cullen--" 

"I'm going to find her," he interrupted the Seeker.  

"We need you here," she argued. 

"And if the Herald is alive then she needs me as well. We can't leave her to die if there's even a chance she survived." 

"Let my scouts go and search. They can move faster than your men," Leliana offered. She'd followed close on his heels as had the Ambassador. Cullen shook his head. 

"Rhys is right. I'm the one who sent her back, I should be the one to try and find her." 

"You're not responsible for what happened," Josephine assured. "It is none of our faults. If she didn't want to go then she wouldn't have." 

"Even so," Cullen said. "I'm going back for the Herald. I'll return at dawn to regroup. We'll continue search patrols until we can find her..."

 _Or until we have to admit she's gone_ , he finished silently.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else love the title of this quest as much as I do?


	21. As the Snowflakes Cover My Fallen Brothers

_Cold...cold...it was so cold_. Everything was ice. It felt like fire burning. Only...cold. Dark then light then dark again. Shifting shapes. The urge to sleep. _So tired...No! Stay awake! Stay. A. Wake_. Teeth were chattering incessantly. Flare of pain when they bit into soft, inner cheek. A low moan of hurt. Coming from her? She didn't think she was still conscious, let alone alive. Why was she still conscious? The pain...it was agony. Too much, too much of it. 

She couldn't think straight. Couldn't even see. There was no light but it wasn't completely dark. Her magic wouldn't work. No flame to warm herself. Didn't matter anyways, she would be dead soon. She'd gone as far as she could then dropped. Her legs gave out and wouldn't work. They were stretched in front of her, useless limbs.

She couldn't feel them anymore. Frostbite? She hoped not. But it wouldn't be a problem for much longer. The ground next to her was black and sticky. No, it was red. Could she not even see color anymore? That was most definitely red, but a dark crimson. The kind that spurts from a fresh wound. 

Her side throbbed and she ignored it. It was better than it had been...minutes ago? An hour? A day? She didn't know. Time had no meaning for her. It flowed on in an uninterrupted stream. She thought she could reach out and touch it at one point, wrap her fingers in the strands, hold onto it. Maybe it would save her. Maybe she could reverse it. _No that's silly..._

The mark on her left hand, no not the mark its the anchor now. Corypheus called it the Anchor. And he wanted it...badly. 

"Take it," she rasped then laughed, but it was a hollow, choked noise and she stopped because it scared her. She was going to die. Already she could feel herself growing fainter. The struggle to keep her eyes open was overwhelming. It wouldn't be long. Then maybe she'd be warm. She could relax and stretch and sleep. She wouldn't hurt anymore, she'd be ok. 

Her body slid to the side, a slow descent to the ground. _Finally..._

"Commander! Over here!" 

_I'm sorry everyone..._

"Commander! I think I've found something!" 

_Rhys..._

"What is it soldier?" 

_Dorian..._

"It's a cave ser!"

_Bull..._

"What's that got to do with anything?" 

_Sera..._

"There's someone inside it! I can't see fully ser, it's too dark and there's debris in the way." 

_Varric..._

"What?! Get a torch going!" 

_Blackwall..._

"Here ser!" 

_Cullen...Cassandra...Everyone...so, so sorry..._

"It's the Herald! Maker, I can see her! Herald? Herald! Shai?!" 

"There's too much in the way ser. We can't possibly move that."

"We need more men...fuck!" 

"We can go back--" 

"She could be dead by then. She doesn't even look conscious..." 

Why was there so much yelling? She was trying to sleep...she needed to sleep. The voices...she didn't know them...did she? 

"Both of you go, hurry! Get Seeker Pentaghast and as many men as you can. Bring Commander Rylen as well!" 

"But what about you?" 

"Never mind about me." 

Who was the man with the stick up his arse? 

"Go now! The Herald's life depends on it!" 

Whoever this Herald person was sounded important. Were they around somewhere? The voices were so close...

"Shai? Maker, Shai can you hear me? Please be alive..." 

Wait...that was her name? Why was this man calling to her? Did she know him? She thought she did or she might've at some other point in time. 

"Fuck! These beams won't budge." 

Something slammed and she groaned as the noise rattled her head. _Stop...Hurt too much...already..._

"Herald! Thank the Maker you're alive! I'm getting you out! I promise. Just...give me a few minutes. Can you do that? Do you understand me?" 

_Yes...understand. Bloody hell...shut up...too loud..._

A relieved chuckle came to her ears. She must've spoken out loud without knowing. 

"I'm not leaving you Shai. You're alright. You're safe." 

_I don't feel safe...So cold..._

"Stay with me!" 

_Can't...can't..._

"Damnit Shai! Don't you dare give up!" 

_Not giving up...just so...tired..._

Something loud cracked. Something else thumped to the ground. She grimaced. The noises kept repeating, over and over and over again. Frustrated grunts accompanied them punctuated with muffled swears. There was one final crack that echoed through the air with its force. 

Then she felt herself being lifted. The cold of the ground was gone, but she her bones were frozen. Her lips were numb, her teeth chattered. It was like she existed only inside her head; her body was detached, some foreign object she was displaced from. 

"Shai?! Shai? Look at me! Open your eyes, please!" 

_No...can't..._

"Open your eyes!" 

_Bossy...why so..._

"Damnit, look at me!" 

_Fine..._

She cracked an eyelid, all her strength going into that one, minor motion. Warm breath blew across her face as someone exhaled. The commanding man who wouldn't be quiet? Was he holding her? 

"Oh sweet Maker..." 

What felt suspiciously like arms tightened around her. She grimaced or would have if her face wasn't frozen solid. She just wanted sleep...she needed it. Her slightly open eye slipped shut. 

"No...no! Stay awake. Herald you must stay awake!" 

_No can do..._

"Stay awake! For me, please, for me stay awake. Stay with me...Shai? Shai!" 

_Can't...I...can't..._

She drifted away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to anyone who knows where this chapter name came from <3


	22. Night Falls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting lovelies <3 Got distracted watching Game of Thrones :p  
> *All hail the King in the North*

"Will she survive?" 

"Only time will tell." 

"She's been unconscious for too long." 

"She's lost too much blood." 

"Can't you do anything more for her?" 

"I've done all I can. The rest is up to the Herald." 

"She can't die--" 

"No one said she's going to." 

"She has to wake up." 

"Patience. The body is a mysterious thing. We cannot begin to understand its workings." 

"We should leave her to rest." 

"Someone should stay and keep watch." 

"I'll do it." 

It was the first time Cullen had spoken since they'd laid Shai in her tent and the healer had set to work aided by Vivienne and Solas. He'd sat quietly by, watching with sharp, eyes as the Herald had the blood and grime sponged delicately from her face. He'd turned his back and offered her unconscious body privacy when her leathers were removed.

Josephine next to him had gasped and he'd chanced a peek to see Shai's side completely laid open. The skin had been torn and gashed severely deep. He thought he could see a hint of muscle but didn't want to look too closely. 

Everything she'd endured when she'd stayed behind was stamped on her frozen form. She'd be covered in bruises and sore for weeks possibly even months to come. None of them knew where she'd gone after the last trebuchet was deployed. They presumed she'd somehow dragged herself to the cave where she was found, except the entrance had been solidly blocked when Cullen and his men stumbled upon it.

Which meant Shai had entered somewhere else, possibly through the top of it. The dislocated shoulder and broken ribs, among the numerous other scrapes and cuts, certainly suggested a rough go of it. 

Maker, but she'd been so still in his arms when he'd picked her up. He'd truly thought she'd died a couple times as he struggled through thigh deep snow to return to camp. Shai hadn't moaned, hadn't whimpered, hadn't made any sort of noise to indicate she was still breathing. His heart had been firmly lodged in his throat, his mouth had been bone dry. As the wind had whipped at his face and caused his eyes to water, he'd sent prayer after wish after prayer that she would live to see tomorrow. 

When he'd finally stumbled upon the remainder of the Inquisition, he'd gone straight for an unoccupied tent, refusing to answer the questions thrown at him. The only words he'd spoken had been to bark for someone to fetch the healer. Shai had started to shiver once he'd laid her upon the tent's cot and it had given him hope, which quickly diminished as the healer started tending to her injuries.

Her shoulder was set followed in rapid succession by her ribs, then her side was stitched and Shai had vomited profusely and broken into waves of cold sweat. She'd murmured deliriously, talking about jumbled events that caused everyone gathered around her cot to exchange looks of worry. 

At one point they'd had to strap her down, she was thrashing so badly and further injuring herself. It pulled at him to see her in so much pain and know there was nothing absolute to be done. He'd grown snappish and irritable because of it, frustrated with everyone's inability to completely relieve the Herald of her suffering. At one point he'd excused himself from the tent, preferring to drink in the cold mountain air and let sense reassert itself.

Shai's companions were a steady stream of traffic in front of her tent. Occasionally they would try and poke their heads in and Cullen had had to station a guard to keep that from happening. It wasn't that they were in the way but the small lodging could only hold so many people and he knew crowding it would do good to no one. Thankfully Rhys was still restrained otherwise that would've been another brawl at his barred entrance. 

"Are you sure Commander? You look exhausted." 

He jerked as he returned to the moment, playing back his agreement to stay by the Herald's side. His eyes flickered down to Shai, traced the grimace etched into her features, the thick bandages wrapped around her body, the blood slowly seeping through the white. She looked so small and fragile, so defenseless, and he was crushed with the overwhelming urge to gather her into his arms again. 

"Yes I'm sure." 

Cassandra nodded at his decision and turned to the other occupants of the tent. 

"We should keep watch in rotation. Cullen will start and I will relieve him. For now...we should let the Herald rest." 

Murmured agreement filled the air and he watched as Josephine, Leliana, the healer, then Solas and Vivienne filed out. The Seeker hesitated, gazing down at the cot. 

"If she does not make it--" 

"She will," Cullen interrupted resolutely, surprised at how convinced he sounded. Cassandra uttered a soft "humph" and laid a quick hand on his arm. Then she too ducked through the entrance of the tent and he was alone with only the shallow respirations coming from Shai as company. He cast about for a stool and locating one, dragged it next to the head of the cot. 

++++

Distant voices and prodding fingers, white-hot pain lancing through her, her own cries echoing in her ears as wounds were stitched, her ragged voice pleading for something, anything to put her out of her misery, declaring deliriously she'd do it herself if someone would just put a sword in her hand, her eyes open but unseeing....

"Hold her please. Try to keep her still." Hands slid over her back and moved her into a sitting position. A sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead; every part of her body screamed in protest at the movement. She moaned as a sudden wave of nausea rolled over her. 

"Is everyone ready? On the count of three...one...two....three!" Her left arm was whipped up and back into its socket with a sickening pop. She pitched forward and vomited then slipped into blessed unconsciousness. 

+++++++++

She was shaking, her teeth chattering so much she was afraid she'd bite her own tongue clean off. Someone nearby called for more blankets. She tried to open her eyes but it was such a monumental effort and she had such little strength left. 

"We need to find help."

"Where? We don't even know where we are." 

"Well someone could take her-"

"To the nearest town? By all means Seeker, point that out to us, please. I'm sure everyone would much prefer an inn over tents in the snow."

"I don't hear you coming up with anything better!" 

"Please we mustn't argue!"  

A heavy sigh. 

"Will she survive?" 

"Only time will tell." 

"She's been unconscious for too long." 

"She's lost too much blood." 

"Can't you do anything more for her?" 

"I've done all I can. The rest is up to the Herald." 

"She can't die--" 

"No one said she's going to." 

"She has to wake up." 

"Patience. The body is a mysterious thing. We cannot begin to understand its workings." 

"We should leave her to rest." 

"Someone should stay and keep watch." 

"I'll do it." 

Hushed talking and then the sound of footsteps growing fainter as the tent flaps parted and let in a gust of cold wind. She shivered on her cot, the movement jarring her sore ribs and eliciting a moan. A hand came down onto her forehead, hesitantly smoothing at first and then growing more comfortable as she relaxed back into a feverish sleep under it. 

+++++++++

Shai awoke entirely disconcerted. Her eyes flicked around the tent she'd been placed in, lighting on certain objects before skittering to the next, trying to get her bearings. She went to prop herself up on an elbow, raised half her torso from the cot, and collapsed back down with a muffled oath, hissing as she jarred her ribs. 

"Makers hairy balls on a stick," she bit out through clenched teeth. The last thing she remembered was closing the Breach and returning to Haven, sweaty and dirty but triumphant at last. There'd been some dancing and of course some drinking and maybe that's why she felt like she'd been run over by a stampede with her mouth dry as a desert.

Clearly she'd become more than a little inebriated and Shai suspected Bull had engaged her in one of his infamous drinking contests. Why else was she waking to find herself in this world of pain? But then again...as Shai craned her neck to examine herself she gasped at what she saw. 

Her undershirt had been ripped open down the front to make room for heavy bandages strapped around her torso. Her left arm was encased in a sling, rendered as immobile as possible. Her head began to throb fiercely as her mind spiraled backwards through time to the masses of red Templars spilling down from the mountains, hacking and slicing their way through Haven's people, all because of--

"Corypheus," the name fell from her numb lips in a harsh whisper as if speaking it too loudly would cause the creature to appear. Corypheus. Yes, it was all coming back now. He had tried to remove the mark from her hand babbled about it really being an anchor, said she foiled him at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, that she had interrupted a ritual years in the making. And his fucking arch demon had been burning Haven to the ground behind them. 

Shai shut her eyes and immediately wished she hadn't. Against her closed lids replayed the atrocities of that night while her ears echoed once again with the screams of the dying. The coppery smell of blood penetrated the air of her tent and she swore she could smell the heavy, acrid smoke as the town dissolved in flames. She was struggling to draw breath, whether it was due to the tightness of her bandages or the weight of her memories she didn't know or care, all she wanted was to get away from it.

Shai swung her legs over the side of the cot on which she lay and struggled to push herself to her feet with only one good arm. She was far too weak to go tramping around but over exerting herself and passing out in the snow seemed a much better alternative to staying enclosed with her thoughts. The earth tilted slightly as she lunged for the flaps of her tents but she kept going her feet clumsy and stumbling beneath her. 

The cold, harsh temperature of the Frostbacks assaulted her as she pushed into the open and she was reminded that the only protection she wore against the elements was a ripped undershirt and a pair of breeches and boots. Shai's teeth chattered as she hugged herself with her right arm. Where to now Shailene? Where exactly were you planning to head? Her legs started moving of their own accord taking her forward.

She wove between various tents keeping her head down hoping to stay out of sight. Her eyes darted from side to side as she took in the hastily erected camp that was now home to the survivors of Haven. A bonfire burned dimly in the center of the camp with a couple soldiers seated around it. 

Their shoulders were hunched against the occasional gusts of wind that whistled across the snow and they were visibly shivering. Shai felt her stomach turn as she noted the blood that still adorned the soldier's armor in places; one man's entire cuirass was covered in it.

Bile filled her mouth and she turned away trying to retch silently. A thin stream of water came up but very little else and she sagged to the ground pressing the back of her hand against her mouth. It seemed like ages before she could finally get to her feet again but she accomplished it albeit nearly fainting twice. 

Her strides were more purposeful after that in part due to how badly she was shaking from the cold. Twice she considered returning to her tent; the claustrophobic feeling had passed and she was beginning to tire with her injuries. But she wasn't exactly sure just where her tent was. The camp wasn't big but it was unfamiliar and she didn't fancy wandering in circles. Ahead of her the Inquisition's sigil rose out of the darkness where it sat in front of a tent separated slightly from the rest.

The new war room? Shai hugged herself fiercely with her good arm and shuffled through the snow her teeth chattering loudly. She stumbled into the warmth of the tent her eyes adjusting to the low lit interior. The ground inside had a small pit dug into the center and embers still glowed beneath the charred firewood. No other furniture was visible beside a cot in the corner and belatedly Shai realized someone was asleep on it, a motionless shape under the blanket. 

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to--" she stopped as she realized whoever it was sleeping was blissfully unaware of her presence.Rather a lot of space for just one person we could've fit at least five more cots in here, she thought and then she saw the armor stacked neatly in the corner with a very familiar, very detested meticulously folded fur cloak sitting atop it. _Cullen_.

She hesitated for a few moments then moved towards his prone form, perching delicately on the edge of his cot. He slept on his side with his mouth slightly parted. Soft snores came from between his open lips and a single curl rested against his forehead. All the lines of strain that were etched into his face during the day had disappeared and he looked years younger than he was, almost boyish even. 

His undershirt was open at the collar and a triangle of skin peered through inviting her to put her nose there and take a deep breath. She still remembered how he smelled and the memory made her sway towards him. _How would he react if I just laid down next to him_? Certainly he wouldn't upend her from the cot at least not on purpose. It was a small bed but it could fit two if she positioned herself just so.... 

++++ 

Cullen slept soundly none of his usual terrors invading his sleep tonight. Instead his mind was mercifully blank, just a black spiral of exhaustion. The events of Haven and the subsequent flight into the Frostbacks had drained him and as soon as his head hit the pillow on his cot he had been fast asleep. But now something was tickling his nose and disturbing him.

He brought a hand to his face to push it away lazily and realized it was hair...but not his. Instantly he was awake, his body tensing his mind racing to where his sword lay with the blade hidden partly underneath his pillow. All he'd have to do is reach behind his head to close his fingers around the hilt. He kept his breathing sleep-heavy not wanting to alert the intruder of his consciousness. Cullen cracked one eye open barely. As it adjusted to the dimness of his tent he was able to make out a smaller form curled next to him. 

 _Why in Thedas would someone decide to try and share a cot with me? And who was it more importantly?_ Slowly he moved and reached behind his head for his pillow. His fingers were inches away from his sword tucked beneath it when the stranger beside him stirred and in doing so brought their face into view. Maker it was Shai. What was she doing here?! And how had she found his tent? When he'd last left her she was unconscious.

He'd sat next to her cot and stroked her hair until the Seeker had come to finally remove him from his post urging him to get some rest before he keeled over on them. But here Shai was somehow, curled up against him her face framed by a few escaped strands of hair and he deduced it was the tickle of those that had woken him. 

Cullen froze with one arm awkwardly bent behind his head. He didn't want to disturb her but it was going to be painfully uncomfortable to sleep directly next to her whilst pretending she wasn't there. He debated rousing her and offering to walk her back to her respective lodgings making sure to ask what had possessed her to crawl into bed with him.

 _Maybe she was looking for the healers tent because she's in pain_.  _Or maybe she's even worse off now than she was before because the orders were strictly for her to remain immobile not walk around in the dead of night_. The thought made Cullen's skin prickle in worry and he decided better safe than sorry, especially if Shai's health could be at risk.  

"Herald...Herald." He jostled her good shoulder that faced him but her eyelashes remained undisturbed against her cheeks. "Uhhh...Shai?" Cullen tried again a little louder and added a limp cough along with his words. She murmured something unintelligible and snuggled closer to him her nose less than an inch from his chest.

Cullen felt his neck grow hot and the heat creeped steadily upwards to his face. Every one of his muscles tensed at her proximity to him and he realized he was holding his breath. He let it out in a rush with a whistling sound and Shai's brow furrowed at the air hitting it before one eye fluttered open. The pale, green orb lazily perused his shirt and he felt her stiffen as awareness washed over her. She moved her gaze up his body fractionally and Cullen heard her swallow as it reached his jaw. 

"Erm--uh, Herald?" 

"Hi," Shai said weakly. 

"Hi," he responded and then they were both quiet, the wind buffeting the sides of the tent the only noise. 

"I...um...I couldn't sleep," she offered by way of explanation. 

"Ah," Cullen said. "You aren't hurt are you?" 

"Hurt? No I'm not. An avalanche just landed on me but no, I'm fine." She was laughing at him and he knew his ears were bright red. 

"Well yes I know but that's not what I meant. I mean, yes it is but not from that--well yes from that too because it would still hurt but if you were feeling worse..." Cullen trailed off lamely and not for the first time in his life wished the ground would open up to swallow him. He continuously confounded himself with how well he managed to disrupt the process of coherent thoughts coming out of his mouth in the same fashion. 

"No I'm not in anymore pain," Shai took mercy on him and answered the question he had failed to clearly phrase. 

"That's um that's good then." 

"Yup..." 

Palpable silence stretched between them unbroken. They were familiar with each other yet complete strangers. It was exceedingly awkward and uncertain, similar to walking down stairs in the dark and not knowing whether your foot would come in contact with something solid or only encounter air. _Say something_ , his inner voice prompted. _Say anything just speak..._

"You gave us quite a scare." 

Shai jolted and he guessed she thought he'd drifted off. 

"Crazy God Magisters really pack a punch," she chuckled but it broke off in a pained whimper. Instantly Cullen was sitting up the blankets pooling in his lap his hands hovering above her. 

"What is it? What's wrong? Should I get the healer? Is it your--" Her hand placed gently on his chest halted his barrage of questions. 

"It's fine, I'm fine. My ribs are just sore." 

"Oh," his shoulders slumped as he relaxed knowing she wasn't bleeding out or something equally as bad. Instead of settling down beside her he drew his knees up and braced his elbows on them running fingers through his hair. The cot was far too small to share comfortably without intertwining themselves and he was loathe to accidentally injure her further.

One of them would have to retire elsewhere and her current state didn't need to be aggravated any further so Cullen resigned himself to hopefully finding an unoccupied cot with his men in their own tent nearby. He went about trying to remove himself from beside her as gently as possible but once again she stopped him with a hand to his chest. 

"Are you leaving?" A slight pucker of skin formed between her eyebrows and he had a sudden urge to swoop in and press his lips to it but held himself in check. 

"You need your sleep. I don't wish to disturb you." 

"No, no don't go I'll leave. I don't know what I was thinking coming here but this is your tent you...you stay." Shai pushed herself into a precarious sitting position and Cullen encircled an arm around her back for support. 

"Herald you can't go tramping about through the snow in your condition." 

"I've survived worse," she remarked with a small grin. Her voice was a little breathless as if sitting up had required much effort. He shook his head in denial of her intentions. 

"No, you're staying here." 

"Is that an order, Commander?" Her eyes glinted with teasing. His mouth quirked down at the corners as he remembered exactly how well she reacted to his dictating. 

"I uh, I suppose not, no. You're free to do as you wish...but I would prefer if you...would remain here." 

His words came haltingly as he struggled to find the right way to re-phrase his command that she would be open to it. She dropped her gaze away from him then and looked at her lap. 

"Would you stay with me?" 

"Come again?" He blurted immediately. Her request caught him off guard and he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. Was she asking him to...to sleep with her? 

"Would you stay with me?" She repeated with an impatient huff bringing her gaze up to his face. 

"Y-yes?" he stammered although it came out sounding more of a question than a definitive answer and he was indeed questioning whether remaining with her in the same bed was a good idea. Shai looked pacified and leaned back against his supporting arm expectantly until he gently eased her down onto the cot. She laid on her right side facing him, her sling bound left arm resting against her chest. 

"Are you going to sleep sitting up?" 

"No..." 

"Then lay down," she prodded. Cullen hesitated, his indecision prevalent. 

"Just so we're clear you are asking me to--" 

"Andraste's tits Cullen just come here." 

He managed not to snap out a reflexive "yes ser" at her tone--barely--and slid back down beside her, one arm uncomfortably trapped beneath him and the other resting with its palm on his hip. He kept his eyes tactfully level just above her head his body rigid. 

He breathed in short intervals his neck developing a crick from how ramrod straight he held himself. To say the situation was awkward was the understatement of the year. And it was infuriating him that he was nervous.

Strange how he was more at ease with enemies bearing down upon him than he was with a woman curled next to him. _Because she isn't just any woman anymore_. He groaned softly at the thought because it was the truth and it was a truth he would rather not have to deal with. 

"Are you alright?" Her voice came from under his chin, her breath fanning against his bared skin and making him shiver. 

"Fine, thank you. Just...go to sleep." 

"Why are you laying like that?" She continued, ignoring him. 

"Laying like what?" 

"Like this." 

And she locked her muscles letting herself go stiff as a board in imitation of him. 

"I uh I guess I'm only trying not to hurt you." 

He couldn't come up with a better excuse than that and cringed at how apparently transparent it must be. She sighed and scooted closer so the tip of her nose just barely brushed his chest 

"You can relax Cullen, I won't break." 

It wasn't her he was afraid of breaking, it was him. She was clouding his senses with her distinct scent. It was making it hard for him to think properly and the more he tried to ignore it the more he tensed until he twitched every so often with how tightly strung he was. Shai exhaled with a grumble and worked her way up the cot until they were at eye level. 

"Re-lax." 

"I am." 

"No you're not." 

Cullen sighed and clenched his hands. Her eyes were boring twin holes through his own and the intensity was making him squirm. 

"Well if you're going to keep this up, we might as well just talk then." 

Aided partly by him and partly on her own, Shai arranged herself upright. "Tell me what happened at Haven when I...when I wasn't with the rest." 

It wasn't the question he was expecting and he took a moment to gather his thoughts. How could he explain with anything more than fire and death? Because that's all it was. Charred bodies, bleeding bodies, screaming bodies. The smell of smoke so thick he thought he was going to choke. The tears streaming from his eyes in response to its acrid sting, blinding him repeatedly. The knowledge that despite their best efforts, despite their resolute will to fight, they could all still die. 

He stilled as his voice echoed in the small space. He really had to get the habit of thinking out loud under control. Shai was staring at him like he'd sprouted another head. 

"How many," she stopped and swallowed. "How many did we lose?" 

"Too soon to tell," he answered quietly. They hadn't had a chance to count the survivors versus the numbers Haven had held. He suspected it would be a few days before they'd approach that task; there were still the wounded dying every minute. 

"Oh..." 

She looked away from him as if he were a physical reminder of the carnage they'd narrowly escaped. And in a way maybe he was. He certainly thought the scent of battle was still stuck to him. He'd washed the blood off but the smell of death was still there. 

"I should've saved more..." Shai said so softly he was sure it was just the wind whipping around the outside of the tent. 

"You did your--"

"Best? Yeah no, my best would've been no casualties except for that...that...that fucker." 

She'd begun to shake and he wanted to calm her, ease her back down onto the cot; he didn't want to carry her to the healer's tent because she tore a stitch open. 

"Easy," Cullen breathed lowly. He understood, hell more than understood, the survivor's guilt that would plague a person. Especially when they were in charge of so many. It was a crushing weight. It stole your breath away and made your chest squeeze and your heart beat out of your chest.

It made you think of each and every individual face that you wouldn't ever see again, never speak to again. It was a heavy, deep void that blanketed you and suffocated and constricted... 

"The horses?"

"Huh?" 

"The horses," Shai repeated. "Did they get out?" 

He fumbled for a bit to think of an answer; it was such an abstract question. 

"We uh well Master Dennett...I don't think he had time. The evacuation was just...too sudden." 

He didn't know how else to break the news her black stallion was probably lying in the mass grave of Haven. Vigilance was gone as well and he felt the pang of that loss rather acutely. He missed the bay's presence a lot more than he'd thought he would. 

"Miko?" She asked with a hitch to her voice. The name came out with a squeak tacked onto the end of it but he didn't have the foggiest idea who Miko was. 

"I um I'm afraid I don't know who that is. Was there a villager by that name?" 

She shook her head and looked down at her lap, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth. He could almost feel her pain and heartache it was so palpable and by the Maker he wanted to draw her into his arms but he didn't know how she'd react. He couldn't tell whether she wanted to mourn in silence or be comforted. So he didn't do anything and waited patiently for her to give him a cue on how to proceed. 

She sniffed quietly and brought her right hand to her eyes, rubbing in quick, short motions. Cullen bit the inside of his cheek and curled his fingers into the cot. He was so, so tempted to reach out to her...

"What about that boy? The one who came to warn us?" 

It took him a second to conjure the image of the pale young man with even paler hair who had come to their aid. 

"I believe he's with the rest. I haven't seen much of him though." 

Shai made a watery noise of affirmation. 

"I never thought--"

"Anything like that could happen?" He finished for her. 

"Yeah...."

She seemed so small all of a sudden. Curled in on herself like half the person she was normally. Cullen said to bloody hell with it and reached for her, drawing her body closer to his. He was expecting resistance but she came without much. Her head barely rested against his shoulder and he could feel her muscles locked but she wasn't pulling away and that was good enough for him. And so they sat like that, two survivors of a nightmare, camped together in a thin tent while the mountain wind screamed outside. 


	23. Forward March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sorry for complete miss of posting days this week. Work got busy and I've hit a bit of a rough patch so I didn't feel much like writing :/ Anyways, finishing up another chapter as I'm posting this one and then I'll get that out :)

Shai wiped sweat from her eyes briskly and yanked her foot out of the deep snow bank it had encased itself in. The rest of the Inquisition spread out behind her, all having no small amount of difficulty with traversing the terrain of the Frostbacks. But at last they were moving. Her injuries were not even close to barely healed and she'd insisted they start the trek to this place Solas knew about. 

The elven Mage was surprisingly resourceful given their current predicament. She'd been apprehensive about him pulling her aside the last night they'd spent in their refugee camp; listening to him drone on and on about the Fade put her to sleep like none other. Besides, he was just so...boring and bland.

She'd found more flavor in porridge than she had in the entire time she'd known Solas. But then he'd saved all of them from dying of starvation and cold and she'd felt somewhat guilty at her low perception of him. Not that he knew, which was good, though in a way she thought he did. 

"You alright, love? You're turning kinda pale." 

Rhys had kept pace with her the entire time they'd been walking, which was about three hours now. For the time she'd been off her feet recovering he was a constant figure by her bedside. Everyone else took turns sitting with her or sneaking treats to her --Sera-- but Rhys was always a permanent visitor.

The healer had tried to ban him when he and Dorian had made Shai laugh so hard she'd almost burst a stitch. But with the dashing charm he reserved for special occasions, Rhys had made the old woman blush so profusely that she had no choice but to administer a half hearted tongue lashing before leaving him be. 

"I'm fine," Shai puffed. Truth be told she was feeling sicker by the minute but she'd been so headstrong about walking not riding in the few carts they'd managed to salvage that she had to keep up face now. Plus the Seeker had been adamant she didn't walk and Shai wasn't about to prove them right. 

"Well if you feel like you're going to pass--" 

"I said I'll be fine," she interrupted. Rhys cocked an eyebrow at her snappish manner but said nothing else. 

"Gorgeous weather we're having!" Dorian exclaimed as he joined them. The Iron Bull and Varric were hot on his heels and they fell into step with she and Rhys. "All this snow and cold must be quite invigorating to you southerners."  

"It's freezing my prick off is what it's doing." 

Shai rolled her eyes at her Rhys's vulgarity. 

"Won't have anythin' to palm at night then," Sera teased as she too joined their slowly processing squad. "Not that there's probably much there to begin with."

Dorian sniggered at her comment, which earned him a hearty shove from Rhys. "Piss off, mate. And you," Rhys said to Sera with an eyebrow waggle. "Wanna find out how wrong you are about that, love?"

"Touch me an' I'll punch you right in your danglebags," the rogue warned.

"Now, now children, play nicely," Varric warned jokingly.  

"In my what?" Rhys coughed. Sera shrugged like everyone should understand her language by now. 

"Your danglebags. You know, the fruits hangin' off the tree?" 

"You mean the bollocks," Rhys simplified with a grin. "I have to admit, 'the fruits hangin' off the tree' sounds better. You know, sometimes you make a bit of sense, love."

"I know right? Scary innit?" Sera giggled and then squinted ahead. "Where are we friggin' goin' anyways? Egg head won't say anythin.' " 

"You mean Chuckles?" Varric asked with a grin. Sera waved a dismissive hand impatiently.

"I meant what I said."  

"Wherever he tells us to go," Shai answered hoping everyone would stop talking. Her head was ringing with the effort it took to stay upright and keep going. Her side was screaming in protest and she was walking awkwardly to maintain balance with her left arm being in its sling. 

"Hey Boss you don't look so good." 

"I'm fine Bull. I'm fine." 

"If she passes out, who carries her?" Dorian asked and Shai could hear the smile in his voice. 

"Draw straws?" Rhys suggested. 

"Count me out. I ain't haulin' someone else along with me. Hard enough walkin' through all this shite," Sera declared.  

"I'm not going to pass out, I'm fine, and if all of you could just shut up for five bloody minutes!" 

Her voice echoed loudly and some nearby birds squawked their displeasure as they flapped their wings and took off into the sky. 

"Temper, temper," Dorian mock scolded and Shai thought she could gladly strangle the Tevinter Mage. She appreciated the lively banter her companions kept up whenever they were out and about getting rid of apostates and Templar deserters and bandits. But right now when she was doing her damnedest just to keep putting one foot in front of the other...the constant chatter was bringing on a massive headache. 

Thankfully there was silence after her snapped words and she breathed a quiet sigh of relief. _Finally..._ She found her concentration returned to the task of keeping mobile and she hardly noticed when everyone started to melt away to walk a few feet behind. Everyone that is except for Rhys. He kept pace with her silently but she could feel him glancing at her out of the corner of his eye every couple seconds.

When she stumbled abruptly his arm shot out to steady her and she leaned on it gratefully. Her strength that had seemed so vigorous at first was starting to melt away and she was growing more sluggish with every minute. The ground was tilting ever so slightly and her stomach gave a queasy lurch. 

Shai ignored the symptoms she was over taxing herself and plowed ahead. Sweat streamed into her eyes and she bit her lip to keep her grunts of discomfort contained; no use in letting on just how beat up she was. Although even a blind man would be able to see she was pretty bad off. _Why the fuck did they let me talk them into letting me walk?!_

Of all people she was at least expecting Cullen to stand his ground and insist she ride in one of the carts. But he'd agreed almost instantly and her jaw had nearly hit the floor with surprise. Was he adopting the mindset she was just one of those people who had to learn their mistakes for themselves? 

Or had her sleeping with him --in the truest sense of the word-- thrown a switch in his brain and now he was pro-Shai? She only wished she knew so she could tell him what terrible logic that had been. _You wanted to walk, you have no one to blame but yourself_. Yes but her advisors were advisors for a reason. Weren't they supposed to keep her from doing dumb stuff like this?

She wished she was back in her tent, back on her cot underneath layers of blankets. Sleeping in the Frostbacks wasn't ideal but it was better than struggling through them with what had been life threatening injuries. Hell, she wished she was back in Cullen's cot. She didn't want to think about the deeper meaning of it, but she'd felt so appallingly safe curled up next to him. 

She'd been expecting nightmares about Haven and they'd never come, which was either the way it would have been if she'd remained in her own tent or something else entirely. Cullen had been so attentive and so careful with her, loathe to somehow disrupt her massively bruised body. She'd heard the rumors he talked in his sleep, who hadn't? Yet he hadn't made even so much as a murmur the entire time they'd shared the tiny tent...   

Shai gave a pained gasp and her right hand shot to her side. She clutched at her skin, fancying her healing wound had an angry pulse of its own. 

"Easy now." 

Rhys was suddenly supporting her and she wanted to remain on her own two feet but it was so easy to just let her knees buckle. She dropped almost immediately, a tidal wave of exhaustion stealing the strength from her limbs. 

"A cart for the Herald!" 

She didn't recognize the voice that called--it must've been a soldier who saw her fall--but in the next second Rhys picked her off the ground and cradled her against his chest. 

"I can walk," she muttered but truthfully was grateful for the impromptu ride. 

"You'll stay put before you drop dead on us." 

She grumbled obligatorily but couldn't help the groan of relief that left her lips when she was settled on the back of a cart and a blanket was thrown around her shoulders. 

"What happened?" 

Cassandra was immediately in front of her with Cullen. Leliana and Josephine were hurrying over wearing identical looks of concern. 

"I'm fine," Shai repeated for the umpteenth time that day. 

"No she's not. She's over exerting herself," Rhys ratted her out. _Traitor_ , she mouthed at him. He shook his head and snorted.

"You will ride for the rest of the trip," the Seeker instructed. 

"I will not! I'll be fine in a few--" 

"You will ride or someone will be assigned to guard you." 

Cassandra's tone booked no room for argument and Shai sullenly crossed her arms. She glanced down and swung her legs feebly. It wasn't like she was a cripple, the wind was just knocked out of her that was all. 

"Do you think you're going to pass out?" Cullen asked concernedly, his brows raised in inquiry as his eyes took a quick inventory of her current state. Shai shook her head, mumbling that she felt better now that she was sitting down. She ignored the little flip her stomach did at his question. _He's just checking on you as the Herald_ , she reminded herself. _But is it just because you're the Herald_ , her traitorous mind threw back, always at war with itself.  

"Is everything alright?" Josephine's "r's" rolled off her tongue musically.

"Everything is fine Ambassador. She just needs some rest," Cullen explained with a small, at ease smile. 

"Oh, thank goodness." 

"Yes, Josie was quite worried when she saw you being carried," Leliana commented, her eyes also doing a cursory sweep over Shai. 

"Well I'm still alive," Shai muttered irritatedly.  

"And we intend to keep you that way," Cassandra intoned with a nod. "Let's keep moving. The sooner we reach this place of Solas's, the better." 

The advisors melted away, Cullen lingering a bit behind the rest, and Shai resigned herself to staring at the sorrowful faces of the refugees as the cart jolted into motion. _So few who remain..._ She had never, of course, gotten to know every inhabitant of Haven but she had a pretty good idea of the town's size and the numbers that were left... _Maker, so many lying buried beneath layers of snow, their graves unmarked_. The thought chased shivers down her spine and she closed her eyes briefly against the vision of burning streets and bloody chaos. 

The contents in the cart behind her shifted suspiciously and she looked at them curiously. When they remained still she turned back around only to feel them move again. Shai frowned and reached out to grasp the edge of the tarp that concealed whatever was under it. With a quick tug she raised it halfway. A dirty blonde mop of hair sat above two pointed pairs of ears and two very irritated eyes stared out at her from Sera's pouting face.

"Can I help you your ladybits?" 

"What are you doing?" 

"Wots it look like? I'm ridin' not walkin'. Walkin's for fools and dimwits. Freezin' my tits off out there." 

"How'd you get under there?" 

"I've got my ways. And no ones seen me yet so don't blow my cover, yeah? Shite, Commander breeches-in-a-twist is comin'." 

The tarp was yanked down sharply and Shai hissed as her nail caught on the fabric. Shaking her hand to ward off the pain she saw that Cullen was returning to her. He kept pace beside the cart as it churned along, walking in silence.  

"I uh...how's the uh...your arm," he finally spit out. 

"It's ok. Doesn't hurt as much. The healer thinks I'll be able to take the sling off in the next day."

"Oh...that's, ahem, good then." 

"Yup." 

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and rolled it experimentally to the left then right. 

"Did you--that is--sleep ok the other night...with me?" He added the last part so quietly Shai had to lean forward to even catch it. She was surprised he was asking but then again she'd had to sneak off before daybreak to avoid being seen exiting his tent; they hadn't had a chance to talk alone since.

"Fine, thank you. I appreciate the concern."

"Of course Herald." 

"Did _you_ sleep ok?" She blurted, remembering her manners.  

"Who me?" He sounded confused by the question and then his face cleared. "I--I did yes. Thank you. It was...nice." 

"It was," she agreed with a shy smile and Cullen grinned hesitantly in reply, his cheeks turning a faint pink. She picked up a faint snort from over her shoulder and longed to elbow Sera roughly but kept her limbs to herself. Hopefully the rogue wasn't listening too intensely to their conversation. The last thing needed was Sera's penchant for revealing details. 

"I'll uh, I'll leave you be then?" Cullen offered. Not knowing what else to say Shai murmured a goodbye and watched as he returned to walk next to Rylen. The two men shared a companionable silence as they stalked through the deep snow, their breaths leaving twin puffs of white vapor.

"Some talker he is." 

"Shut up Sera." 

"You like 'em or somethin'?" 

"You want to walk or somethin'?" Shai challenged. 

"Fine. See how it is." 

A loud rustling resounded as Sera settled herself back under the tarp and Shai leaned against the side of the cart. She hoped they got to wherever they were going soon. 


	24. Quiet Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for bearing with me on this late update. Just a heads up, my work is about to get craazaayyy so the next few updates might be pretty delayed though I will try and post at least weekly! Hope everyone enjoys this chapter, I wanted to reward for the patience :) 
> 
> NSFW

Cullen strode across the battlements of Skyhold towards the great hall. It had been an eventful couple of days for sure. Shai had risen from Herald to Inquisitor not an hour after their arrival from the Frostbacks, and begun to compile a list of immediate repairs; the fortress and most of its parts were in shambles. The work on Skyhold would begin tomorrow at first light and Cullen had already volunteered to be the one in charge of it all. 

But for now the survivors of Haven and the rest of the Inquisition slept in hastily erected tents or in whatever rooms were still functional. He'd secured the damaged but useable guard barracks for he and his men and the majority of his soldiers had retired for the night. A selected few patrolled the battlements and kept watch at the portcullis, not that they were expecting another attack any time soon.

Cullen himself had even completed a round that had finished up fifteen minutes ago and now he wandered aimlessly. He was too restless to sleep, thinking again about Corypheus laying waste to Haven and Shai staying behind. 

He'd genuinely thought her lost forever as he'd led the villagers out along the path the chancellor had pointed out to them. By the time the avalanche started he knew they would never see Shai again and he'd watched helplessly as Haven disappeared under a tidal wave of snow.

He thought he was dreaming when he'd found her, nearly frozen solid but conscious. He'd gathered her into his arms and held on tightly, never wanting to let go. Watching her lie so still for days had made his heart seize in panic but at last she'd opened her eyes and come back to them...to him. 

He and Shai may have gotten off on the wrong foot but his feelings were changing...but were hers? She was impossible for him to read. She seemed to care to some degree as evidenced by her sneaking into his tent in the mountains and asking if she could stay with him. _You're overthinking things Rutherford. One step at a time_. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. 

Emotions...weren't things he was used to dealing with especially not in connection with a woman. Years spent dedicated to being a Templar didn't leave much room for the pursuance of the opposite sex. And frankly he'd never given much thought to what he would do should he come across someone he was interested in, and then Shai had stepped out of the Fade in a cataclysmic event.

"Maker." 

Why couldn't he ever shut his mind down when he needed to? He sighed and pushed open the door to the room Solas had claimed as his own. The elf had already retrieved multiple books and stacked them on a table in the center, however he was nowhere in sight. Cullen continued into the great hall stepping over fallen beams and piles of brick; the next day would be back-breaking work, there was no getting around it. 

Turning left he walked through Josephine's claimed office and into the hallway beyond, the war room his target destination. The oak doors creaked and gave way under his hand and then he was standing in front of the moonlit table where a new map of Thedas lay spread.

Some recruits had discovered it upon the cursory inspection of Skyhold and although it was ripped in places, it would do. He braced his hands on the wood and hung his head. He was a bone deep kind of weary and he gave a prolonged sigh.   

His eyes swept over the war table as he studied the map; Leliana's scouts were already hard at work ferreting out where Corypheus and his massive force of red Templars had disappeared to. He suspected there'd soon be many markers dotting the map signaling places the Herald--no, the Inquisitor now-- would have to investigate.

Cullen rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck. They'd lost so many; the total list of dead wouldn't even be completed for another couple days. He kept smelling the overwhelming coppery stench of blood and burning flesh and hearing the screams of people as the red Templars sliced through them. One of his own lieutenants had been cleaved in half by a behemoth as he fought next to Cullen.

It had been a grisly sight even with how battle hardened Cullen had become over the years and the image of the man's entrails spilling into the snow wouldn't be leaving him anytime soon. Maker he'd come close to vomiting at the sight and the sound-- 

"Couldn't sleep either?" 

Cullen nearly jumped out of his skin. He whirled and almost lost his footing, catching himself on the edge of the table. 

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." Shai stood in the doorway, her oversized undershirt, an accommodation for the heavy bandages around her ribs, swallowing her frame. Her left arm was without its sling--following the timeline the healer had predicted--although her various other cuts and bruises were still apparent. 

"It's ok. I just...wasn't expecting anyone else to still be up," Cullen explained as his heart beat returned to normal. Shai shrugged and came to stand beside him, flattening her palms against the war table.

"I think you of all people would understand not being able to sleep after--well after that." 

 _That being Haven_ , he thought. He half sat  on the table next to her and they shared a compatible silence broken only by the sounds of their breathing. _So very different from how we were just months ago._ _So like the last night we spent together in Haven this way_. 

"I wanted to thank you," Shai began hesitantly. "For staying with me while I recovered, I mean. I know I couldn't have been much in the way of conversation but the healer told me you sat with me until I stabilized so....thanks." 

He didn't quite know how to respond because it seemed like she was trying to convey gratitude that deserved more than a simple "you're welcome" but for the life of him he couldn't figure out how to put it into words. He wanted to--for once--be able to be that sure footed, dashing man that was always so prevalent in those tacky love stories they sold for cheap at any bookkeepers store. He suddenly wanted to be it for her, and the thought slapped him harder than any physical hand ever could. Cullen wasn't aware his brow had drawn into a frown until he felt Shai's hand cup his jaw. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" She asked quietly, her eyes searching his face. 

"N-nothing," he stuttered, aware he couldn't just voice everything that was on his mind and also surprised at her sudden affection.  

"Haven?" She whispered and he nodded absently. 

"I'm sorry about your men. Truly, they fought well." 

He cleared his throat and stepped away from her, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yes well...what's done is done," he said trying to sound accepting but his voice cracked a little. _For the love of-- why did he have to act like such a fool?!_ Here she was trying to offer some comfort and he was acting like a nervous Chantry boy who was just discovering girls for the first time. 

Shai frowned at him in puzzlement and he could practically hear the wheels turning in her mind as she analyzed him. Cullen shifted his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot, very aware of how silent the room was. He tried to clear his throat but it sounded more like he was choking on something and then he managed to swallow the wrong way which sent him into a coughing fit. 

"Are you alright?" Shai asked as she pounded his back, a hint of a smile in her voice. He nodded, blinking to clear his watering eyes and stiffened as he abruptly felt her wipe a tear from each of his cheeks quickly. 

"Thanks," he mumbled unable to quite meet her gaze, the fact that he knew how terribly awkward he was being making his face heat with embarrassment. She tilted her head to the side the corners of her mouth tugging up. 

"You can relax you know. I won't bite." 

Cullen didn't know why but his mind automatically ricocheted to that first night they'd spent skin to skin, their adrenaline through the roof, and the pleasure-pain bite she'd bestowed on his lip. His cock hardened slightly at the memory and he cursed himself for the bad timing. He tensed as he realized he was creating a bulge in the front of his breeches, one that would be decidedly noticeable even in the dark. 

"I know," he answered gruffly, moving away from her to the other side of the table. He felt a little more in control when he wasn't in close proximity with her and he breathed a little easier as he trailed a finger over the map of Thedas, unconsciously stopping where Haven had stood. He paused and his mood shifted again to one of regret; he'd have to write letters to the families, letters that would offer a small amount of comfort--if any at all--but ultimately wouldn't bring back their sons or daughters, husbands or wives. _Such is the life of a Commander._  

"I keep thinking of whether I could have saved more people." Shai spoke so quietly he almost didn't hear her but when their eyes met he found her watching him with a mixture of sadness and remorse. "For every one I saved, ten more were lost. I failed them." 

He felt a stab of shock at her confession. She always seemed so strong and sure of herself, not the type to experience survivor's guilt over a situation she knew to have been vastly out of her control. Yet she was staring emptily, desolately out at him and he felt his heart go to her. She was just one person with the whole of Thedas resting on her shoulders.  

It was enough pressure to cowl the strongest person but he'd yet to see her not meet her role head on, although now he saw Haven was bringing out the cracks in her armor. _To be thought of as their savior and in the end be powerless to save them..._

"You didn't fail them Inquisitor," Cullen said softly, wanting to go to her but gripping the edge of the table to keep himself in place. Her shoulders sagged as she looked at him with a weary, trembling smile. 

"Didn't I? How many actually made the journey, Cullen? How many more are still buried under the snow because I couldn't act fast enough?" 

"And how many of us who did make it owe our lives to you? If you hadn't stayed behind...we'd all be buried but we aren't and that is all thanks to you." 

Shai gave a short, humorless bark of laughter. "No...it's all in spite of me. If I hadn't fallen out of the Fade, if I hadn't destroyed the temple and killed the Divine...none of this would have happened. There wouldn't now be a demented God-monster coming after all of us because of me. I should've just let Corypheus have me from the start." 

"No!" 

Shai jerked at the force of his tone as he rounded the table to stand in front of her. 

"Don't think like that," Cullen said as he grabbed her shoulders, mindful of her injuries. Just the thought of her within that monster's grasp made Cullen go cold and heat with a possessive rage he knew he had no business having. Shai was boring a hole through the center of his chest refusing to meet his eyes but he slid a finger under her chin and tilted it up. "The very fact that you survived...that you will face Corypheus again and win--"

"You can't know that," Shai interrupted her green eyes flashing. Cullen opened his mouth to respond and closed it with a click of his teeth as he realized she was right; there was no way he could know she would win for certain. He could only hope she did; he couldn't watch her disappear again, the fate of her life unknown. He was crossing a line with her and it was hard finding reasons not to do so. 

"I know," he said noting the faint surprise that crossed her features as he agreed with her. "I can only hope you will, that the Inquisition won't have been created in vain." 

Shai drew her bottom lip between her teeth and looked away from him. He found himself rubbing circles into her shoulders with his thumbs as he felt them tighten with tension. 

"I didn't mean--Maker that came out wrong. I shouldn't be adding to your burden you've got enough to think about as it is." He wanted to kick himself. _Of course she already knows the whole validity of the Inquisition is riding on her and that mark. She doesn't need to remember all of that right now._ He wanted to make her feel calm and supported, not send her mind spiraling into thoughts of all that depended upon her success. 

"Forgive me Inquisitor. I spoke too quickly." 

"Inquisitor is a bit formal isn't it? You've been inside me after all." 

A gleam was back in her eye and she was badly concealing a shaky grin. Cullen should have blushed profusely at her words but tonight--in this moment--they made him smile at how fast she'd snapped back to her regular self. It was like the past couple minutes of inner turmoil had never happened as she swayed towards him, her face tilted up. 

"I'm--" she stopped suddenly, seeming uncertain. He wanted to prompt her to continue but bit his tongue and kept quiet. "I'm glad you survived," she said in a rush, blowing air out of her cheeks as she finished. His eyes widened slightly and he blinked. Well that was...not what he was expecting. Instead of averting her gaze Shai stared at him intensely. She seemed to be waiting on his response and he uttered a soft "ah" as his mind formulated one. 

"As am I--I mean not about me--well yes that too but--I mean about you-- I uh I'm glad you survived as well," Cullen finished lamely, fixating on the new scar through her left eyebrow rather than meet her gaze.   

He heard her quiet laugh at his turn in the hot seat and then her hand was cupping his jaw again and she smoothed her thumb over his stubble until he looked at her. Something in her expression changed subtly and she was examining him with a new heat in her face, a heat he'd become previously acquainted with.

Her lips parted unconsciously as just the tip of her tongue darted out to wet them. He followed the movement intensely, his breeches growing uncomfortably tight as she bit her lower lip and drew it between her teeth. 

"I want you," Shai breathed, her hand sliding from his jaw down his neck to rest in the center of his chest. 

"I want you too," he blurted. 

"Dear me, it seems our Commander is growing bolder. Whatever will the ladies do now?" She teased with a giggle. Cullen tensed and blushed heavily. 

"The same thing they've been doing," he ground out gruffly. 

"Hey, I'm just kidding," Shai chided gently her fingers circling over his skin through his shirt. It was a feather light touch but he still felt shivers of anticipation wrack through his body and his arms encircled her waist gently, listening for the sharp intake of breath that would indicate her broken ribs being squeezed too hard. But it never came and she stepped into his embrace willingly, her head tucking itself under his chin.

She pressed her nose to his neck and inhaled deeply, humming low in her throat. Cullen slid his hands down to her hips and nestled her to him. This felt so right, just holding her body close to his. Months ago they could barely look each other in the eye and they'd graduated to being intimate with each other in a matter of weeks. The turnaround made his head spin but he wasn't going to question it, not now, not tomorrow. If he was developing something for Shai...well, so be it.  

He was growing more aroused by the second and he could tell by her gasp she felt it. Shai wriggled beneath his hands and it took him a second to realize she was trying to get closer. Cullen smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead then another to her temple and a third to right beside her ear before drawing the lobe gently between his teeth. Shai's breath hitched a little and she fisted her right hand in the front of his shirt. 

He moved them steadily backwards as his mouth worked its way around to hers, their lips meeting chastely at first and then more insistently as the spark between them grew. The back of Shai's thighs connected with the war table and, without hesitation, Cullen lifted her to sit on it, stepping between her parted legs.

He tugged her to him, keeping their hips pressed together as he instinctively rolled his against hers. She moaned into his kiss and threaded her fingers through his hair. _Maker preserve me..._

++++

She was thrumming with desire, every nerve finely tuned. Feeling him against her was making things twist and turn inside. This was so very different from how it had first been. It felt like they had all the time in the world now. Cullen caught her bottom lip between his teeth and gave it a gentle tug. His hands slipped beneath the hem of her shirt and stopped, as if asking permission. She murmured a "yes" against his mouth and then felt cool air against her skin as he lifted the garment up inch by inch. 

When his progress reached her bandage bound ribs, Cullen stepped back and very carefully, as if she were made of glass, removed the shirt from her person. His gentleness astounded her; he was made of brawn, just muscle on top of muscle. Yet he was touching her like she was the most prized possession in the world and he didn't want to accidentally break her.

When her shirt drifted to the floor, she shivered deeply at the coldness of the night. _Wow it was freezing_! Instantly warm, large hands covered her shoulders and ran over her goose-bump plagued flesh in comforting rubs. 

Shai melted into Cullen's touch, enjoying how his palms moved over her and his fingers traced every spot they encountered as if committing them to memory. He released her from her breast band bit by bit and slowly--with some hesitancy--cupped her mounds. This was the first time he'd touched her, really touched her; their moment in the forest had been rushed and impulsive. Now they could take their time. 

Cullen brushed her nipples abruptly, his thumbs ghosting over the raised points. Shai let loose a sound of pleasure, moisture flooding to between her legs at his touch. His mouth contorted into a small, warm smile of fascination and he repeated the motion, earning another verbal outburst as she moaned. In the next second his shirt joined hers in a heap on the ground and she took a moment to actually look at him.

It was dark with only the moon as a light. But like she had that night in Redcliffe, Shai could still make out the curves and flat planes that constructed his torso, overlaid with diagonal and horizontal scars. She wanted to press her lips to every blemish but her urgency was growing with every second Cullen kept away from her and she promised she would attend to doing that at a later time. Broad shoulders, muscled pectorals (with a dusting of golden hair), very toned abdominals, and a tapered waist continued into Cullen's narrow hips. 

 _Hips that should be completely bare but aren't_ , she noted. Her hand reached for Cullen's laces and she looped her fingers into the threads. It took a few, businesslike tugs before they started to loosen and her efforts jerked him towards her, a low chuckle rumbling from his throat. 

"Here," he offered and undid his breeches. He hesitated in pushing them lower and Shai ran her tongue over her lips impatiently. She wanted to see him, to see all of him. More importantly she wanted to feel him, to assure herself they were both still here, both still alive. And she needed him skin to skin with her. With a quick movement--like he wanted to put himself past the point of no return indefinitely--Cullen bared himself and Shai drew in a deep breath. She'd known he was of good size from their first bout of intimacy, but she hadn't been able to admire that size.

The Commander was thick and the shaft of his cock reached towards his belly button, the tip of the head brushing the indentation. His manhood disappeared from her direct view as he bent to remove his breeches completely and pulled off his boots. He came to her once more, his skin hot against her own, and covered her mouth with his. His cock rested warmly against her inner thigh and she smiled against his lips at the feel; it was like silk covering steel, velvet covering iron, a powerful and beautiful tool.  

Shai twined her hands into his hair, playing with the strands that were closer to waves than curls upon further inspection. He hummed low in his throat and then his fingers were ghosting across her waistband and slipping beneath it. They brushed the top of her sex and Shai repressed a breathy moan. A bolt of desire mixed with excitement went through her and she shivered.

The man was barely touching her and she was already soaking her smalls. Cullen rid her of her own pants and undergarments and then she was sitting on the war table with her bare arse resting against the wood. _Maker I hope someone doesn't accidentally put their hands on this spot once we've finished_ , she thought and couldn't suppress a giggle. 

He pulled back and looked at her quizzically but she brought their lips back together. There would be time for divulging what caused her laughter later. For now, she was too impatient to talk. Her breasts pressed flat against his chest as Cullen stepped between her open legs. The tip of his cock brushed her wet and waiting sex and Shai shivered with anticipation. She'd never before felt this...insatiable need to be joined with someone, even with her affairs in the Circle.

This was entirely new, uncharted territory; she'd never really traversed through it before but the more she looked at Cullen, the more willing she was to do so. _You're falling for him_ , her mind warned. _You're falling and you don't even know it. So be it_ , she thought back, silencing her mind and handing it over to pleasure in all its extremities. 

"Is this ok?" Cullen whispered. He was searching her face for confirmation or a sign he should stop, his golden eyes burning in the moonlight. Shai rested her palms against his cheeks, her mouth stretching into a smile so wide it hurt.  

"This is perfect." 

Her affirmation made him grin and he kissed her with renewed, pent up passion. She returned it tenfold, enjoying every second of being melded to the Commander. His large hands shifted her hips and tilted her slightly backwards. In another instance he was guiding his cock through her folds, cautiously at first, and then just the head breached her channel.

Shai clutched his shoulders, her nails digging into the muscle beneath the skin as Cullen pressed further, the initial pleasure burn at the first moment of penetration making her toes curl. A soft groan escaped him as he joined them more bit by bit and became throaty once he was fully sheathed.

"Maker's breath." He stayed still for a moment, resting his forehead against hers, and then his hips retreated before he thrust heavily. Shai bit her lip and relished the sensation of having Cullen inside her as he set the pace. He went slow at first, listening for a pained noise, but none came and she clutched him tighter when his speed increased.

She bore down on his cock, loving how it rubbed against her in heavy drags, savoring the way Cullen panted and moaned quietly in her ear. He sheathed himself to the hilt and rolled his hips against hers, making her insides spasm and twitch at the feeling of being completely filled.

"Cullen," she gasped, clutching at the nape of his neck as his next thrust rocked her backwards on the war table. The Commander dropped both his arms to hook under her knees, tugging them up and her closer to the edge of the table in one, quick motion. Shai leaned back, watching Cullen's abdominals contract as he thrust inside her. He went deep, so deep she couldn't stop the cry that ripped from her lips and made her back arch. _Fuck_ , she thought. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. 

Her hand fell to the apex of her thighs, brushing against her clitoris in counter-clockwise circles. Her hips jerked upwards and Cullen made a choked noise at her ministrations. Raising her head from the table, Shai watched him watch her, his gaze intense and concentrated. In a moment of pure wickedness, she drew her folds back from around her clit, exposing it to the Commander's presence. He groaned and his hips surged forward in a rough thrust. 

"Shai..." Her name sounded like a prayer when he gasped it and her heart skipped a beat. "Shai..." he repeated and tightened his grip where it rested on her thighs, his fingernails digging into her skin in pleasure pain. Shai closed her eyes and saw stars as she pooled all her concentration into residing in the moment. She wanted to memorize how the Commander felt within her, how he sounded as he took his pleasure, how he flexed his grasp on her flesh in time with his thrusts. 

"Harder," she murmured, wanting him to brand her insides with his cock, force the memories of Haven from her mind, show her he could be lost to passion. "Harder." 

Cullen stilled for a second as he processed her words and then pulled her from the war table. He held her suspended in the air, her legs still hooked over his arms, his cock just barely residing within her sex. He kissed her aggressively, assaulting her mouth with his, sweeping his tongue inside until he'd tasted all of her and left her breathless. 

"Alright," he murmured, his dilated pupils obliterating the gold of his irises. His tone was low and sultry, a side of the Commander Shai hadn't had a lot of experience with, but definitely wanted to get to know. Without further preamble he set her on the edge of the war table, letting her lower her legs to the floor. When she stood he turned her away from him abruptly, placing a hand in the middle of her back and pushing her torso lower. 

Shai's skin danced with an acute shiver as her breasts pressed flat against the table, the heat from her body keeping the wood warm to the touch. She knew how Cullen was intending to take her even before his hair roughened thighs pressed against her softer ones. She felt the solidness of his cock brush against her ass and wiggled backwards. Cullen chuckled and his hand slipped from her back to her hips.

She walked her legs further apart, knowing she'd exposed herself to view when Cullen's harsh intake of breath greeted her ears.

"You are so beautiful," he murmured and a bolt of adrenaline shot through her chest, making her heart squeeze at his words. "So beautiful," he continued almost reverently as he brought the head of his cock to rest against her folds framed by her thighs. It was Shai's turn to draw a harsh breath as the tip of his manhood parted her again, slipping into her sex the way a key slipped into its lock.

She moaned as this new position made Cullen feel impossibly huge and her muscles squeezed the Commander's length in rapid successions. Shai steadied herself with arms folded under her head, pillowing her cheek from the war table's hardness. Both of Cullen's palms burned into her hips as he joined them fully once more. He began an interlude of slow thrusts mixed with quick ones, of deep thrusts mixed with shallow ones.

Shai removed one arm to bring her hand back to her clit, strumming the nerve filled nub and letting breathy moan after breathy moan spill from her lips. _Cullen, Cullen, Cullen_ , her mind chanted in time with his thrusts. He was driving her towards her brink and by the noises he was making from behind her, he wouldn't be far behind. But she needed more from him in these last, precious seconds than he was giving.

"Fuck me," she threw over her shoulder, turning to make sure she caught his eye. He looked at her, wide eyed, and then his fingers flexed against her hips and the scar through his lip stretched as he grinned crookedly. Shai felt the energy from his gaze enter her and course throughout her body. Dimly she readied herself for the onslaught she knew was about to happen. And Cullen did not disappoint.

He pulled back and slammed into her, making her cry out loudly then groan as he withdrew and did it again.

"Fuck!" Shai yelled, forgetting they weren't in a private room but in a space in Skyhold anyone could walk into. _Let them see if they do_ , she thought numbly. _I don't care_. _Let them hear too_. Her body shook with the force of Cullen's thrusts and the Commander's thighs trembled against her own as he pounded into her, sating his desire. Her fingers trapped between her thighs worked overtime as she neared her peak.

 _So close, so, so close_. As Cullen brought her ass to his hips and held himself deep within her, Shai exploded around him, wordless cries falling from her lips as she spasmed lower down. She slumped against the war table, sweat slicked skin shiny in the moonlight. She breathed in shallow respirations as Cullen chased the end of his lust, his own cry echoing off the walls of the room as he emptied himself inside her. 

Limply she went to him when he pulled her up, his strong arms turning her around so that her cheek rested against his shoulder. Shai relaxed into Cullen's supporting embrace; she could only draw ragged breaths as she returned to herself. Had he...had he felt that too? Towards the end had been...different. It had not just been sex and she'd felt it as physically as a punch to the gut. It was like an electric current had sparked suddenly and roared into life with unabashed sureness.

The feeling had made her gasp and Cullen had given a long, low moan so did that mean...? No she was imagining things. But as she opened her eyes and inspected his face, she saw in the half lidded gaze that stared back at her a new awareness, a new warmth. And as Cullen brought his mouth to hers once more--this time softly--it stole the air from her lungs. She _was_ falling. But unless she was mistaken, so was he. 


	25. Reparations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear, dear readers. So many apologies for the late, late update. Work has been crazy and I fear its only going to get worse in the next week :/ but please bear with me! I haven't abandoned this story and won't until its finished. There is still more to come and it will be better than this filler chapter!

"Commander?"

"What is it?" Cullen asked flatly. His eyes swiveled from left to right as he read the sheafs of paper he held in each hand. 

"Master Dennet would like to see you in the stables, ser." 

"Tell Master Dennet I approve of whatever he needs approval on," Cullen responded, not deterred from his reports. _Venatori activity spotted...in the Hissing Wastes? Who comes up with these names? Leliana's men though so the information is on good authority..._

"Commander?" 

"What?" Cullen barked more forcefully than before. What in Thedas could Dennet need him for so badly the man couldn't wait until later? 

"M-m-master Dennet said it will only take a second," the scout said nervously. Cullen finally looked up from his desk at the young elven boy standing halfway into his office and halfway outside. He sighed heavily with great aggravation, hesitating briefly, before pushing himself to his feet. 

"Alright then, you're dismissed," he informed the scout. The elf seemed only too happy to scamper away and Cullen sighed again wondering how he'd become such a formidable force to approach. It seemed everyone else was able to handle messages with a level of decorum he either didn't posses or, much more likely, didn't care to master. Even the Seeker was probably seen with less trepidation than he was...doubtful though.

His booths thunked against the stone stairs as Cullen descended to the courtyard. All around people milled to and fro. A handful of his men stood in the midst of Skyhold with even more positioned on the ramparts. At their Commander's instruction they were the prime workers in charge of conducting the repairs. 

While they'd lost a good amount of men at Haven, Cullen had the remainders rotating in shifts to make sure all received equal training in the sparring ring while putting in work on the fortress. And with the careful flow of new recruits through Skyhold's gates every day, their forces would be decently bolstered before too long. By his careful estimations, the worst of the repairs would be completed within a fortnight, hopefully sooner.

"Put your backs into it men! Only a few more!" 

Cullen looked up to high above Skyhold's courtyard where, held aloft by a system of hastily assembled pulleys, a stack of wooden beams swung. With any luck, his men standing on the ramparts would be able to reach out far enough to grasp the bundle and draw it towards them.

True it might have been easier to heft the beams up the stairs one by one, but Cullen was a man on a mission and that happened to be getting the fortress up and running smoothly again. Thus the need to promote efficiency above comfort. Besides, more beams could be transported in bulk this way.  

He watched as one of his soldiers reached out tentatively for the beams, the man's torso parallel with the ground a good drop below. _Remier or something_ , he thought to himself was the soldier's name. _Well Remier I hope the Maker sees fit to put some speed in you or we'll be out here well into the night_. Cullen grunted in approval as Remier's grasping hand closed around one of the ropes holding the beams and he pulled it towards him. _Good man_.  

"Steady now!" Cullen ordered as the group assembled on the ground let the ropes they were holding slacken, temporarily taking a detour from his path to the stables and Dennet. "Steaddyyyyy," he advised, ready to step in and offer assistance if need be. 

A cheer would have gone up when the set of beams was hauled in successfully if it had been the first of the day. But the men were well into double digits of beams hauled skyward now and the optimism at making Skyhold close to brand new had worn thin. 

"Rest easy a second," Cullen instructed with a nod and noted the looks of relief that rippled across dirty, sweaty faces as the men relaxed and stretched no doubt sore muscles. 

"Lieutenant." 

"Ser." 

"Good work, keep it up." 

The lieutenant saluted at the praise and Cullen continued his way to the stables. He passed beneath a few scores of scaffolding, the people perched atop it engrossed in their work. 

"Ah Commander, good of you to join me," Dennet called when Cullen reached the bounds of earshot. "I've gotten a new batch of horses in and more coming on the morrow." 

Cullen's brow furrowed at the news. Was this what the stable master had pulled him from his office over? A new batch of horses that could've been described in a hasty missive? 

"If you'll just attend here for a second, Commander." 

Cullen followed the older man into the relative gloominess of the stables. Dust motes floated about in the air and he repressed a sneeze at the heavy scent of hay. Nickering and whinnies greeted their entrance and he took in the previously empty stalls that were now filled with warm bodies stamping the ground with their hooves. Dennet had done a remarkably quick job in replacing the stock they'd lost at Haven and Cullen opened his mouth to commend the stable master on his thorough work. 

"I think he likes me," a painfully familiar, husky tone said from nearby. 

"I should hope so Inquisitor. He's by far the best of the herd. I was hoping you two would make a fine match." 

Cullen blinked a couple times as his eyes finished adjusting to the indoor lighting, or lack thereof, and spotted Shai in an open stall. Next to her stood what could easily have been Phaeron's twin, except for the fact this horse was brown with a white blaze adorning its face. The beast tossed its head sending its black, curly mane rippling in shiny waves. 

"I think the name Zephyr would suit him," Shai murmured as she reached to scratch the big horse between the ears. 

"A regal name for a regal horse," Dennet commented. "Wouldn't you say Commander?" 

It seemed that Shai hadn't realized Cullen was in the room until now as her head jerked up and around, her eyes piercing him even in the dimness. Cullen cleared his throat awkwardly, his gaze finding the floor or anywhere else to alight that wasn't the Inquisitor. Memories of her spread before him on the war table flitted through his consciousness and he felt his cheeks flame. Of all the places to be hot and bothered under the collar...Maker...

"Yes, ahem quite," he mumbled. "He's a...uh...a gorgeous horse." 

"Don't think I've forgotten about our Commander now. Your own is over this way." 

Cullen followed Dennet gladly, thankful to be able to turn his back to Shai. He was extremely self conscious beneath her gaze. The normal nerves that plagued him were now intensified tenfold thanks to their night christening the new war room. Just looking at the dark wood or any of the advisors who congregated around it without any notion of what had occurred on its surface made him blush deeply.

Where did they stand now? It had been shy smiles and mumbled "good nights" when they'd finished and then they'd both departed in opposite directions. Like they were complete strangers. Had she felt it too at the very end then? That weird pull--a sharp prick--of connection? Did she? Had she? Or was it only on his part? Had it even gone well enough for her to get that feeling? 

Had she found him lacking somehow? Or rather, somewhere? He didn't have much experience in...the department of intercourse so he was by no means an expert on performance. But he thought he'd done well enough if the noises she'd made were anything to go by. He'd certainly enjoyed every second, couldn't remember a last encounter being that filled with pleasure. Then again, might Shai have been faking for his benefit?

No, she was much too brash for that, and in any case he'd felt her tighten immeasurably around his cock as she cried out. Nothing had felt faked about that moment. Next on his list of worries was whether she found him physically appealing. Did the many scars that decorated his chest and stomach and shoulders disgust her or did she see them as a part of him? 

She'd run her hands over them countless times during their lovemaking but she could have been examining them in some kind of horrified curiosity. He hadn't been able to see her face as well as he would have liked to in the dark; he could have told her thoughts from her expression, she was not a subtle person. Cullen wanted to press his hands to the side of his head until he could quiet his mind. 

"Here we are. Have a look Commander, what do you think?" 

Dennet's voice put an abrupt stop to Cullen's thoughts. If this was how it was going to be from now on every time he was around Shai...blessed Void he hoped not. It only made it worse they hadn't had any real time alone since to discuss things. Cullen brought his eyes to the stall Dennet gestured at and took in the horse waiting alertly behind the stall door. 

"She's a fine mare this one. Good and sturdy. Won't throw you in the middle of a battle." 

The mare was a light dapple grey with a white mane and tail. She regarded Cullen cooly and he hesitated in stepping closer to lay a hand on her nose. 

"Go on, she won't bite," Shai said from beside him and he jumped not realizing that she'd abandoned Zephyr to join them. "She's a good girl. I was with her earlier." 

At the prodding, Cullen stretched one gloved hand out to close the distance between him and the horse. As predicted, the mare allowed him to place his fingers against her nose and even seemed to lean into his touch. A small smile tugged his lips and he moved closer. 

"You'll make a fine pair as well. She's young Commander, spritely, full of energy. She might be a handful at first but I'm sure a man of your station won't have trouble taming this one." 

Cullen blanched a little at the idea of playing horse trainer; Vigilance had been such an easy going personality, quick to listen and slow to misbehave. He'd witnessed Shai bring Phaeron back to Haven from the Hinterlands and tame the horse and hadn't envied any of the process. She'd been walking around with bruises unrelated to battle more often than not and Cullen did not fancy going down the same path. 

"Don't worry, she just needs a firm hand. You know, show whose in control," Shai offered. She stepped forward to pat the grey mare's neck.

"Right," Cullen mumbled. He didn't feel too confident in his abilities to do that but only time would tell. "I thank you Master Dennet. You've done a splendid job recovering from our losses."

"Bagh, what kind of stable master would I be if I left the Inquisition floundering for mounts? Not a very good one, thats what. Got some new tack in as well. Most of our old stuff burned to a crisp. Come to think of it, should probably get all that situated.." 

The stable master's voice faded as he moved away, leaving Cullen and Shai standing awkwardly next to each other. Pretending to be engrossed with his new mount only got Cullen so far before the silence became unbearable. 

"I uh..um...Dennet is serving us well," he stammered. 

"So you've said," Shai commented quietly. 

"Oh...right...well then." 

"The repairs are coming along nicely."

"They are." 

"Anything I can do to help?" She asked, bringing her eyes to rest on his profile until he felt their weight needling him and turned to look at her directly. 

"I believe we have it handled. Thank you though. I would welcome the extra pair of hands if necessary." 

Shai waved him off. "I should be helping as...well as Inquisitor now. Inquisitor Trevelyan, it sounds odd, don't you think?" 

"Not at all!" Cullen blurted. To him it sounded regal, commanding, important. And not to mention strong. Shai was their best hope for the world. It made sense she have a title to suit that expectation. 

"Is that the official response?" She teased. It took him a second to recognize she was flirting with him and he felt the rusty gears of courtship turning within him. _Maker see me through this_. His mind crossed off all the ways he was going to mess this moment up with his inadequate communication skills.    

Shai's left brow was cocked and her pale green eyes held a bit of mirth as she waited for him to answer her. The impulse to compare them to the shades of green he knew from nature and find the exact thing that matched their color suddenly washed over him. Yet he knew he wouldn't be able to; her eyes were her own and always would be. 

Cullen coughed and offered a crooked smile. "I suppose it is. But it's the truth. We needed a leader and you have proven yourself." 

Shai looked surprised at his affirmation and he was shocked to see--was that a blush? The pink coloring her cheeks? No, it couldn't be. The lack of light within the stables was deceiving him. The Inquisitor didn't blush...or did she?

But he knew that faint rose coloring for what it was, being very acquainted with it himself. _So...she isn't made of stone after all_. But he knew that. She'd been all soft and warm the other night. He ducked his head, inspecting the ground and the toes of his scuffed boots. Why did random thoughts like that always have to plague him at the most inopportune times? 

"Well...I appreciate the compliment, Commander," Shai said, her husky tone softened. Cullen worked up enough nerve to meet her gaze and found her eyes sweeping over his face. The look was heated but held something else in its depths he couldn't put his finger on. 

"Of course...Inquisitor." 

The silence stretched between them again and Cullen curled his hands into fists, the leather of his gloves crackling. If only his tongue didn't tie itself in knots repeatedly and his thoughts ran as smoothly as a stream. Then he could talk to her the way he wanted. Could say what he wanted. Because while he was here now making small talk, he instead wanted to ask where the other night left them.

Stupid, he knew, to assume another coupling made them anything more. But he couldn't help thinking it did. It had to in some way. Shai could certainly take her pleasure elsewhere. He hadn't been blind to some of the looks she received from his soldiers or just in general. There was something so strong about her that drew attention. But as far as he knew, he was the only one. 

So did that mean she chose him willingly? Or was he just the most opportune person given their past history? He wanted to ask her about them so badly his mouth practically burned with the unsaid words. But it would be too much at once. And who was to say that she was even thinking this in depth about their predicament?

"Do you like to look so serious all the time?" Shai asked abruptly. 

"Huh?"

"You're staring a hole through the floor."

"Oh I was uh...just thinking," Cullen explained lamely, his hand returning to its favored spot on the back of his neck.

"You're going to hurt yourself," she giggled, but not maliciously. Cullen chuckled in response, following the noise with a sigh. 

"I suppose I should try to relax more."

"It might help," she offered, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth. He'd noticed she had a habit of doing that and it made him want to smooth the flesh with the pad of his thumb before pressing his own mouth to it. He found himself transfixed with watching the smooth white of her front teeth move over the natural pink of her lip.

"About the other night," he mumbled lowly and then tensed as Shai made a small noise in the back of her throat. _I did not just say that_ , he bemoaned himself. The sound of something crashing and the stable master cursing loudly saved Cullen from further embarrassment. 

"Maybe we should uh offer him some assistance," he suggested with a concerned glance over his shoulder. Shai shook her head. 

"Don't worry. That's just the usual. If he needs assistance he'll call." 

"Right..." Cullen shifted his weight on his feet. "I should probably return to my work." 

"Of course." 

"I'll...see you around then?" 

"Wasn't planning on going anywhere," Shai replied with a small smile, although she was frowning infinitesimally. Cullen took his leave rather rapidly after a quick nod of farewell. He was halfway to the stable door when Shai called after him. 

"You didn't think of a name." 

"A name?" Cullen asked in confusion, turning. _A name for what?_  

"Your horse...she needs a name." 

"Oh...right I forgot." His brow furrowed as he tried to think of something on the spot. "Rook." 

"What?" 

"Rook," he repeated. "Her name is Rook." 

It was the only thing he could think of on the fly, the first thing that had come to mind--a chess piece--and his mouth had spit it out without hesitation. Shai seemed to mull the name over, no doubt wondering what symbolic nature it possessed. When it was clear she could determine none she shrugged, but not impolitely. 

"Rook it is then." 

"I should be going," Cullen stated again. "Inquisitor." He bowed and turned to exit for a second time.

"Cullen?" 

"Yes?" He whipped around far too quickly at her use of his name and cursed himself for his outward eagerness. She'd said his name, not issued an invitation. 

"About the other night--" 

"Yes?" He cut her off, heart beating loudly. His palms grew sweaty beneath the leather covering them; _she's going to say it, she's going to say it_ _._  Shai's eyebrows drew together, the skin of her forehead wrinkling. 

"I uh...I wanted to--never mind."

The breath he'd been holding whooshed from Cullen's lungs and he tried not to look too disappointed. He bowed shortly in an "as you wish" gesture and successfully departed. The sunlight blinded him as he left the stables and the shouts of his men hard at work on the repairs carried to his ears as he made his way back to his office. He felt a little deflated, a little cheated, a little regretful he hadn't mustered his courage when the opportunity had presented itself. 

 _So close...Maker, so close..._    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can ya'll tell I'm a horse person yet, needing to add this in as a chapter?


	26. When Fables Meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello. Good news, I'm getting back on track with writing :) Also getting a console for my bday since I've been playing on a bootcamped mac and the lags seriously take away from the game and it'll be nice having everything from DAI fresh in my mind for future chapters. Anyways, to any/all of you exercising patience with my lack of new updates, much love <3

Shai gaped at the dark, rugged man just behind Varric. _The Champion of Kirkwall...here_?! She'd heard so many stories about Hawke and she was actually meeting him in the flesh. How was that possible? 

"Inquisitor?" Varric was looking up at her expectantly. She shut her mouth with a click. _Get it together Shailene_. 

"It's a pleasure," she stammered. The legendary Mage smiled, his teeth a straight slash amidst the short, black beard decorating his jaw. 

"The pleasure is all mine," Hawke assured, his smooth baritone rolling over her ears. 

While she'd heard far and wide of his feats in Kirkwall she'd never heard it mentioned the man was attractive. Not in the golden boy, knight-in-shining armor kind of way though. More like the devilish highwayman destined to show you a good time. She noted the stripe of red paint across the bridge of Hawke's nose; it suited him. 

"I figured you might have some friendly advice about Corypheus. You and I did fight him, after all," Varric supplied. 

"Considering he's a complete anomaly to me, I'd say anything you've got will be helpful," Shai assured. 

Hawke grunted in confirmation and his face darkened. Dangerous but also made you want to lean closer. Shai gave herself a mental slap. What was she doing?! She couldn't seriously be looking at the Champion of Kirkwall like this. Not after the other night, not after Cullen. 

 _No, with Cullen_ , she corrected. But she couldn't exactly say with because they weren't together. In fact she really didn't even know what they were. Comrades who slept together and liked each other? Or comrades who slept together and maybe, possibly, liked each other? The first one seemed more plausible, felt more plausible.

Everything was far too complicated, too far up in the air. It was uncertainty and it tied her stomach in knots. She wanted black and white boundaries, no grey space. But how did one go about ironing that out when the whole thing started with grey space?

How did two people so intent on disliking each other find themselves in bed and approaching the realization that maybe the other wasn't so bad after all? How?! She hated this, the sneak attack of emotions and thoughts that pounced upon her randomly. It's claws were sharp and hooked and they were in her solidly. She'd gotten very little sleep pondering everything that happened, wondering how exactly to proceed now that they were undoubtedly more comfortable and familiar with each other.

The first time they'd slept together had been the heat of the moment; it could be ignored and discarded. But this time hadn't been even close to that. It had been because they wanted to and she didn't know how to handle that. Keep it under wraps for starters though, because no one could find out. 

Especially if things continued. It would just be so much easier if she could approach Cullen and talk to him about it but his duties kept him busy and the sheer awkwardness of the whole situation kept her away. She'd tried to broach the subject the other day in the stables--after he had--but chickened out at the last second, as had Cullen. So now they circled each other in cautious steps and quick glances meant for when the other was not looking. How very, very uncomfortable. 

What's worse was wrestling with the growing feeling that she wanted to be more to Cullen than just a way to pass the time when they both felt the urge. The realization had come to her unbidden like a thief in the night. Yes, she'd started out not liking him and he not liking her. But she'd reinvented her opinion of him, had had to after spending so much time in his presence.

And he wasn't as bad as she'd originally thought. Yes their pasts separated them but could they not also bring them together? Allow them to see the other as more than just part of a whole?  Shai wanted to groan as her mind spun, realized she was in the middle of a conversation--an important one at that--and held herself together.

She noticed Varric melted into the background as Hawke stepped to the side of the rampart and braced his forearms against the stone ledge, leaning over to gaze into the courtyard.  

"This view reminds me of my home in Kirkwall. I had a balcony that overlooked the whole city. I loved it at first. But after a while, all I could see were the people out there depending on me." 

"You're lucky it was just a single city," Shai blurted then bit her tongue. _Shit for brains! Lucky it was just a single city? That was still a lot of Maker damned people to look after and protect! Of all the insensitive_ \-- she stopped beating herself up when she realized Hawke wasn't looking at her with hostility but instead understanding. 

"I mean...I've got half of Thedas," she tried to damage control lamely. 

"You're doing everything you can to protect them," Hawke said, his voice softened. "They look up to you. That much is obvious even from my brief time here. They have faith in you." 

"Everyone says that like it should be a good thing," Shai murmured, remembering how Cullen had said his men looked to her as their leader 

"It is when you need support behind a decision...but it can easily be your downfall." 

"That doesn't exactly make me feel any better," she laughed shakily. In fact that made her feel a lot worse. 

"You're right...I'm sorry, I'm not used to giving...pep talks. It's been some time since I've found myself anywhere near this type of movement." 

Shai waved the Champion's worries away. 

"Does it ever get any easier?" She asked, genuinely wanting the answer to be affirmative but knowing the truth. 

"I'll let you know," Hawke mumbled and his jaw tightened. "I don't envy you Inquisitor. But I may be able to help you." 

"Varric said that you fought Corypheus before?" 

"Fought and killed. The Grey War--" 

"Wait, wait, wait." Shai held up her hand for silence. "Fought and killed? Killed as in dead?" 

"Killed as in no pulse and we thought he was dead, yes." 

"But clearly that wasn't how he stayed." 

"And I'll be damned if I know off the top of my head what happened," Hawke growled lowly, almost to himself. "As I was saying, the Grey Wardens were holding him, and he somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them." 

"Corypheus got into their heads. Messed with their minds. Turned them against each other," Varric joined the two of them, looking between Shai and his old friend. 

"If the Wardens have disappeared, they could have fallen under his control again," Hawke said. Shai's hands clenched and she ground her teeth. Did it never end? Could one thing ever go to utter and complete shit without causing a bloody, chain reaction? 

"So Corypheus has the Venatori, the red Templars, and now possibly the Wardens as well? Wonderful..." She held back a rather loud scream of frustration. 

"I didn't come this far just to give you bad news," the Champion stated. "I've got a friend in the Wardens. He was investigating something unrelated for me. His name is Stroud. The last time we spoke he was worried about corruption in the Warden ranks. Since then, nothing." 

"Corypheus would certainly qualify as 'corruption in the ranks.' Did your friend disappear with them?" 

"No, he told me he'd be hiding in an old smuggler cave near Crestwood." 

"That's an oddly specific choice of hideout," Shai mumbled under her breath then realized both men had heard her. She felt her cheeks heat but noticed Hawke was wearing a slight grin at her faux-pas. 

"It will make locating him rather easy for us." 

"Us? So you're coming along then?" She asked in surprise. Not that she was expecting the Champion to just play messenger. 

"Stroud is distrustful of new faces, as he should be. Being on the run can make a person like that. He's a wanted man." 

"Right, right, right." Duh she'd known that. Good Maker, think before you speak. 

"Well as fun as this little introduction has been," Varric started. "I'm afraid Hawke here can only stay out in the open for so long. If the Seeker even gets wind that he's in the vicinity, she'll have me for supper. So much as I hate to break this meeting up prematurely..." 

"You need to hide him back where he came from?" Shai asked. 

"Precisely," Varric agreed. "There'll be time for more later. But being up on the ramparts in full view of any soldier who happens to glance over doesn't exactly make me feel too secure. I'll see if I can arrange something and we can meet in one of the cellars. This whole place is full of them after all." 

"It was a pleasure Inquisitor," Hawke rumbled. He bent slightly at the waist in a bow and Shai's brows raised in amusement. The Champion did not strike her as a man who bowed. Rather one who gave a grudging head nod, if that. But apparently she was on his good side, and she tried to ignore the weird bit of gratification that gave her. 

"Of course. Pleasure. I uh expect I'll see you later then?" 

Hawke nodded and his lips twitched in a small smile. Shai returned the expression mildly then watched Varric usher Skyhold's newest guest down through the trap door in the rampart. 

+++++++++

"CASSANDRA LET GO!!" 

Shai's fingers dug into the Seeker's well muscled biceps as she sought to yank the other woman off Varric. 

"You're hurting him! Cassandra??!!" 

She let a sharp burst of lightning zap from her fingertips. Instantly the Seeker gasped and jerked away, losing her grip on Varric. He slumped to the floor coughing and sputtering as he sought to draw breath.

Shai knelt next to him, one hand pressed concernedly to his back. When he seemed to be recuperating well enough for someone who'd been having the life choked out of him, she turned narrowed eyes to the Seeker. 

"What in the fuck was that for?!" 

"He knew! He knew this entire time," Cassandra spit, her dark eyes flashing and lip curled up from her teeth in a snarl. 

"Knew what?" Shai asked though she suspected she knew the answer. 

"You're damned right I knew where Hawke was," Varric wheezed as he finally got to his feet. "You kidnapped me. You interrogated me, what did you expect? The least I could do was keep him out of whatever you were planning." 

"Keep him out of it?! Keep him out of it?! As if this were a game? As if this weren't Thedas we were trying to save? You conniving little shit! We needed someone to lead this Inquisition."

"And you think Hawke would have agreed? The Inquisition has a leader!" Varric gestured to Shai grandly.

"We could have used Hawke!" Cassandra shouted, unfazed.  

"Both of you, shut it!" Shai interceded. "Cassandra, we all know this isn't a game and what's at stake."  

"Tell that to him," the Seeker scoffed, gesturing jerkily in Varric's direction. "Apparently certain people like to watch the world burn."

"I'm on your side!" The rogue protested, his face red from lack of oxygen. 

"We all know whose side you're on Varric," Cassandra snapped with contempt. "It will never be the Inquisition's." 

"Don't," Shai broke in. "We can't do this right now guys, please."

She hated being put in the middle of anything; saying or doing whatever was needed to diffuse the situation never failed to evade her grasp and instead she always exacerbated conditions. And in this case, it would probably get Varric killed. 

"If we had had Hawke from the beginning none of this would've happened!" The Seeker cried, anguish in her tone. 

"I was protecting my friend!" Varric shot back. 

"Hawke would have been at the Conclave," Cassandra charged ahead, dismissing her opponent's defense. "If anyone could have saved most holy..."

"Hawke's the Champion of Kirkwall, not some god who can perform miracles!"

"Then why did you still keep him secret from us even after the conclave? We needed him!" 

"Would everyone please just stop for a second!" Shai looked back and forth from Cassandra to Varric, expecting flames to come leaping from the former's nostrils at any point. The tension lacing the room crackled thickly. "What's done is done. Varric's right, Hawke is with us now and we still can use his help--" 

The dwarf's triumphant "a-ha" interrupted her but Shai pointed at him unperturbed. 

"But you, no more secrets! Hiding shit isn't going to make this any easier for me."

 _Because if you had fucking told them about Hawke then maybe I wouldn't have been dragged into this damn mess,_ she thought with a spike of anger but bit her tongue.

"Bagh," Varric grumbled, but he nodded. 

 _There, hopefully that's problem solved_. 

The Seeker spoke through clenched teeth, visibly clamping down on her temper, eyes shooting daggers at the rogue. 

"Leave Varric...You've done enough damage for today." 

 _Or problem not solved, better luck next time,_ Shai thought. 

The dwarf cast a parting glance Shai's way before shuffling to the top of the stairs within the room. Luckily he and the Seeker had at least managed to keep their heated argument behind closed doors...hopefully. He stopped with his hand on the bannister and his foot poised above the first step leading down. 

"You know what I think? If Hawke had been at the temple he'd be dead too, and we'd all be just as fucked as we are now." 

Then he was gone and Shai listened to his footsteps fade away.  


	27. Unintentional Introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 234 kudos you guys are the best!! Much love <3

Cullen knocked a stack of reports against his desk, organizing any stray edges peeking out from the general collection; repairs were going well, there was no sign of Corypeheus or his red Templars after a week (not that Cullen expected any right away), a steady stream of Inquisition hopefuls crossed Skyhold's drawbridge every day, and overall morale was growing. Satisfying enough.

The Inquisition would be on its feet again soon. They'd been lucky, which was hard to say imagining Haven. But they could've lost everything, they could've lost Trevelyan and the Mark and then they really would've been in trouble. It was so easy to not give thanks for what little mercy they'd been bestowed with in the face of all the damage. But it could've been worse, it could've always been worse. 

Outside the dying light from the sun was streaming through his office's windows. Every advisor had been settled into their new space; Josephine was right off the great hall, Leliana was with her birds, and he was on the ramparts, the Commander able to assess any possible threat by merely stepping outside and surveying the lay of the land.

He also appreciated the small bedroom over his head, reachable by a slim ladder. Work was never far from his mind and now he would never be far from it. He didn't know if that was a good thing or not, having a penchant to overwork himself. 

Especially now with all the added stress the loss of Haven provided. Cullen rubbed the juncture of neck and shoulder. No headache for now, thank the Maker for small things. He believed he was in the calm before the storm. The lyrium withdrawal had been mild enough so far, nothing incapacitating...yet.

But he knew what lay in wait for him and there was no avoiding it. Unless he wished to surrender himself back to that cool, blue liquid. The thought was attractive to him and his hand twitched toward the knob on his desk drawer. 

No. He was better than that. Cullen clenched his hand into a fist and shoved away from the solid wood. A walk, he needed a walk. It would relax him and he could clear his head and maybe, just maybe, he'd avoid the worst of his night terrors. Doubtful but one could always hope. Besides, getting some fresh air would do some good after being locked in his office all day.

The setting sun bathed Skyhold in glorious shades of orange and deep gold. A pink tinge was slowly but surely interceding and making its presence known. Soon it would be twilight and that was the time of day he loved best; everything quieting down, no more meetings or duties to see to, just him and the vast emptiness of time. Cullen nodded to the various guards he passed, his hands clasped behind his back. 

Just the Commander out for an end of day stroll, nothing out of the usual. Certainly they weren't saluting to a man who was coming closer and closer to holding onto himself by nothing more than a few threads of hope. The soles of his boots slapped the stone of the ramparts smartly and his heels clicked mildly. He found himself pushing through an empty tower, noting the piles of lumber and debris that would need to be cleared away eventually to make room for something productive. 

Or maybe not. Maybe the tower could stay how it was. He emerged once again into the evening and heard the sharp thwack of a blade. He wasn't surprised at all to see the Seeker angrily reducing a practice dummy to splinters; her spat with Varric had apparently been overheard by more than a few people and now all of Skyhold knew the Champion was in their midst. 

Cullen had to hand it to Hawke; the Kirkwall Mage was doing a fabulous job of staying hidden. He hadn't seen hide or hair of the rugged man nor did he expect to until Hawke was ready. It may have been years since they'd last been face to face but Cullen doubted the Champion had changed his ways much, especially the need for privacy.

He understood that need very well. The door to the tower bordering the Herald's Rest greeted him presently and he stepped into the cool, dark interior. 

He supposed this was probably a store room of sorts when the fortress was last occupied. A few barrels of ale were stacked in one cleared out corner but the majority of things lying about had nothing to do with a tavern.

There was an old bed frame, a dresser, a cracked mirror, some desks with missing legs, broken chairs, even a spinning wheel. He looked at the second door directly across from him, debated continuing his walk of the ramparts, when a soft voice came to him. 

"You like...cheese? I can bring you more. I like cheese too. It's very good. Sweet, tangy, yes...you like it a lot." 

A titter sounded following the words and he paused, confused. The door to the upper balcony of the tavern sat directly to his right and he looked at it quizzically. _Was someone sitting on just the other side_? He moved to press his ear to the wood, struggling a bit to hear over the muted rowdiness going on below in the tavern. 

"I think we could be friends. You could help me help people. I think everyone would like you very much..." 

 _What in oblivion_? 

The tittering returned followed by a brief chirp and Cullen's brow crinkled. He knew that noise, heard it echoing around Haven as the hairless nugs scampered about. But what was one doing in the Herald's rest? His hand encircled the door knob and he pulled the solid wood towards him. 

It was the pale boy who had come to warn them of Corypheus sitting cross-legged on the wood floor. Cullen blinked at the youth, taking in the overly large, floppy hat and patchy outfit covering gangly limbs. _What had his name been? Kent? Conner? Something close to that..._

"There you go."

The boy, oblivious to Cullen's presence, extended a nibble of cheese to...yes that was definitely a nug - _surely I'm not seeing this_ \- perched attentively next to the boy's knee. It's front paws were planted expectantly against the wood flooring, it's ears fixed forward to catch every word that fell from the boy's lips. _Even that feature has little sign of rosiness_ , Cullen noted. This strange young man was truly the coloring of a ghost. 

"I'll sneak you more later. Your tummy will start to hurt otherwise." 

Cullen closed his eyes, hard, and snapped them open again, convinced he might be seeing things. But the boy and the nug stayed put, clearly not figments of his imagination. 

"I uh I remember you," Cullen said. The boy didn't even glance up. 

"I haven't made you forget me yet." 

"Made me forget?" 

"So many lost, so many I was responsible for. Should have been better fortified. Should've had better lookouts. So many lost..." 

Cullen felt a weird prickling of uneasiness at the boy's words. They echoed his thoughts that had chased themselves round in circles until dawn every night. But how could he-- 

"Screaming, crying. Death. Pain. When will it end? Will it destroy us all? Suddenly she's there. And she's alive. Thank you, she's alive. But she's leaving. She's going back. Can't protect her, have to do my own duty. She's one against so many. She's gone..." 

"Stop that," Cullen snapped abruptly. The boy's lips clamped shut. "Do you have a name?" 

"Cole." 

 _Yes, that was right. Not Kent or Conner after all_. 

"Alright...Cole. Are you here to help the Inquisition?" 

"I'm here to help." 

"The Inquisition?" 

"People. I help the ones that hurt." 

"I'm...I'm not sure I follow. Are you a healer then?" Cullen's curiosity was piqued but so was his guard and he stayed close to the door in case he needed to retreat. Though Cole seemed hardly the type to attack it was always good to be ready for anything when dealing with an unknown entity. 

"A..a healer?" Cole asked. He was looking at his lap and sounded confused. 

"Yes a healer. They help people get better from injuries and such," Cullen said a little shortly. Was the title not self explanatory enough? 

"No, I'm not one of them." 

"Then what are you exactly? You'll have to forgive me my tone but we've just suffered a massive attack and I can't afford to have strangers running about." 

Cullen gritted his teeth as he waited for Cole to answer. _Maker! This was like pulling teeth! Was the lad drugged? Had he suffered a large blow to the head during the evacuation and completely lost his senses?_

"I'm Cole...and I'm here to help." 

Cullen closed his eyes and prayed for patience. 

"I need you to be a little more specific than that." 

"I don't know how to be," Cole said and if Cullen wasn't imagining things, the boy sounded somewhat morose. He smothered a groan as he envisioned this encounter going in never ending circles until he dropped dead from exhaustion. He was in no mood for guessing games and it seemed that was how Cole operated. 

"Very well then, I'll need you to come with me then."

"To where?" 

"To someone who has the time for this," Cullen grumbled under his breath. 

 _So much for a relaxing walk_. 

++++

 _Finally_.

Shai pushed open the door to her quarters, almost about to drop dead of exhaustion. Her eyes were heavy and burning, her vision blurred and requiring constant blinking to clear. She'd nearly keeled over on the war table listening to the ever growing list of things she needed to attend to.

And then afterwards Cullen had tried to stop her for a word and as tired as she was she couldn't fathom listening to whatever it was he had to say. Even if it concerned something about them. With a short "it can wait until tomorrow Commander" she'd made herself scarce before anyone else could approach her. And now finally...sleep. A knock on the just closed door behind her made Shai groan long and loudly. 

"Inquisitor? I have a message for you." 

_Bloody hell, did no one understand a closed door meant fuck off?_

"Just tell me and I'll attend to it in the morning." 

"I believe it's a current issue Inquisitor that requires your attention now. I was sent to bring you with me to the prison." 

 _Had a prisoner escaped or something?_  

"What's the nature of the issue?" She snapped.

"The Commander did not divulge to me. Just said I was to bring you immediately." 

_Cullen...of course. King of terrible timing._

"Tell the Commander I'll be along shortly," Shai grumbled just loud enough for the scout on the other side of the door to hear. 

She closed her eyes tightly, blinking away the sudden prick of moisture the gesture drew; her stinging retinas were cursing her to the Void and back but if Cullen had deemed something so important he just had to drag her away from the edge of sleep, then it was best she attend to it. Otherwise the Commander would probably come knocking on her door himself and she wouldn't hear the end of that until she'd seen what he wanted.

Not bothering to smother her yawn, Shai trudged back through her bedroom door, down the stairs into the great hall and wound her way through different corridors until she was descending into the dank dungeons.

Torches blazed in their sconces and Inquisition guards saluted as she passed them at their posts. Soon she was standing in the midst of the bay of cells. Cullen stood a ways before her, conferring quietly with one of his men who saw her first and cleared his throat as he saluted abruptly. The Commander turned and gave a curt nod.

"Inquisitor. I apologize for the lateness of the time." 

"I'm sure," Shai yawned, again not bothering to cover her mouth. Just because Cullen was an apparent insomniac didn't mean the rest of them were too. "What exactly is the issue that can't wait until morning?" 

"It's not really an issue as much as a whom."

"And that means?" She asked flatly. 

"That boy that came to warn us of Corypheus the night we lost Haven? Well...he's here." Cullen gestured vaguely, a lack luster ta-da movement. 

Shai cocked an unamused eyebrow. "Is he going to magically drop out of the sky?" 

"No that's absurd." 

"Then where is he?" She asked shortly, rubbing her eyes aggressively. _If Cullen wanted to talk about Cole why could he not have waited until the damn morning?_

"He's here," Cullen repeated and motioned to the cell door nearby. It took Shai a second to comprehend his meaning but her mood didn't improve once she did. 

"You put him in a cell?" 

"No I didn't specifically." 

"But you handed him over to someone who did?" 

"No not at all." 

"Well which is it Commander? Because it's my understanding he is currently in a cell put there either by you or someone else." 

"Maker..I didn't have a better option than--"

"To lock up someone who came to help us," Shai finished flatly and crossed her arms. 

"No!" Cullen declared obstinately and then dragged a hand over his face. 

"You're walking in circles Commander." 

"Well you're attacking me!" 

"We don't imprison our allies," Shai ground out. "Release him." 

"I can't," Cullen said obstinately. "We don't know what he is. He seemed delirious when I found him." 

"If he's delirious then a cell is the last place he needs to be. Release him." 

Cullen's soldier looked back and forth between his commanding officer and his Inquisitor, clearly at a loss for who to obey.

"Release the boy, soldier," Shai ordered.

"Touch that cell and you'll be on cleaning duty in the barracks until the end of time," Cullen threatened lowly. The man pulled his hand back to his side and looked wildly uncomfortable. Shai huffed angrily and stepped towards Cullen. 

"Of all the pig headed--What threat could he possibly pose? Did he attack you?" 

"Of course not! If he had he'd be in chains." 

"Well this fucking cell is close enough. Cole? Cole are you alright?" There was no answer and Shai frowned. Had he been hurt? If he had..."Cole?" She stepped to the bars of the cell, peering into the dimness. 

"Cold and damp...distrust. Don't trust me. I only want to help. I can help but I can't help from in here. Told to stay put so I did, but I can hear them crying out in pain. I could be helping not letting them hurt...I could be helping..." 

"He's been on about that for the entire time he's been in there milady," Cullen's soldier explained with a hint of apology in his voice. "We've tried asking him what he means but can't get a clear answer." 

Shai ignored him, trying again to get the pale boy's attention. 

"Cole? Cole it's Shai. Remember? You helped me escape from Envy?" 

"Yes, I remember. And you remember me," Cole answered softly. "I haven't made you forget. I don't need to." 

"That's...yeah that's right," she answered with a slight frown. What was he talking about making people forget? "I'm going to get you out of here ok?" 

"No, he's not going anywhere until someone can evaluate him," Cullen challenged, stepping forward. He frowned down at Shai, golden eyes looking hard as the steel of his sword. "Somehow he got in here without anyone knowing and instead of presenting himself he hid. What does that tell you?" 

"That he was scared? Maybe injured and not thinking properly? What difference does it make? He's not staying the night in here."

"If you think that this is a good id--"

A tittering interrupted Cullen's words and Shai froze at the sound; such a familiar greeting she hadn't heard since they'd lost Haven. Her fingers wrapped around the bars of Cole's cell and she tried to make sense of the space. When no amount of blinking or narrowing her eyes could improve her vision, she cupped her hand and conjured a small flame. The tittering increased interspersed with a few random chirps and Shai's heart stuttered.

"You're very excited aren't you? Very talkative. You missed her, I can tell," Cole said affectionately. "Its alright, go visit." 

Little claws clicked against the stone of the cell floor and Shai was crouched down on her knees well before Miko's face and then body appeared between the cell bars. 

"Miko!" 

The nug scampered up her thighs and nestled into her chest as she wrapped her arms around him. Miko's body quivered with excitement and his chirps filled the damp air of Skyhold's prison. Shai's mind spun as she tried to figure out how her little pet had managed to escape the crushing avalanche that wiped Haven from the face of Thedas. 

"Oh," Cullen sounded surprised and baffled at the same time. "I didn't realize this was yours." 

Shai mumbled something back, not really paying attention. She unfolded her legs from under her and stood with Miko tucked against one shoulder. He stayed happily close to her body, his paws planted against the front of her tunic. 

"Cole is going to be released and escorted to the infirmary for the night. Our healers can evaluate him and then we'll listen to their report in the morning." 

Cullen's jaw ticked and his lips thinned into a disagreeing line. But he did nothing more than nod brusquely. "As you wish Inquisitor." 

He nodded to the soldier who proceeded to unlock Cole's cell. The door swung wide and it was a few moments before the boy stepped far enough into the opening to be seen clearly. Shai gave him a cursory once over; he appeared well enough. 

"This man here is going to take you to the infirmary for the night ok? And then I'll see you in the morning." 

Cole nodded gently. The large, floppy brimmed hat adorning his head bobbed wildly with the motion. 

"Report to me once you've seen the boy to the healers," Cullen dictated to his soldier. Shai cleared her throat, knowing how well her next statement was about to go over.  

"Actually Commander, since the infirmary is so close to your quarters, I was thinking it would make more sense for you to take Cole. Perhaps apologize to him along the way? You know, mend some fences." 

Cullen stared at her as if she'd sprouted a second head. Disbelief, protest, and irritation scrolled across his face before he schooled his features into a blank expression. His shoulders squared, Cullen barely, barely tipped his head to her in deference.

"As you will it...Inquisitor."

Her title had a bite to it in his tone and she knew full well he understood she was dealing out a subtle punishment for what she deemed a wrong act. Shai watched Cullen march away with Cole in tow. She had no doubt he'd reproach her for her petty jab, but was too tired to think much longer about it. Instead she left the prison behind as she returned to her quarters with Miko snuggled comfortably in her arms. 


	28. Unexpected Presents

"You need to square your stance more. No not that way, angle away from me slightly. There, good. Plant your back foot a bit more." 

Shai nodded and followed Hawke's instruction. Sweat trickled down her forehead and into her eyes making them sting. It was still early morning yet the sun was already promising a fierce afternoon heat wave. Puddles dotted Skyhold's courtyard, watery evidence of former snow banks. 

In a couple days they'd be leaving for Crestwood, Hawke leading them to his warden contact. Until then, it was all about packing and planning and Shai had needed a break from the incessant organizing. Enter Hawke who had been more than complacent to spar with her and help her on her casting technique. So far they'd been going over basic stances and basic spells, warming their limbs and mana up to more serious activities.

Her fingers tingled with the magic she wanted to cast but she kept herself bridled until Hawke was ready; she didn't know why but she had this weird urge to show off for the fabled Champion. Mayhap to prove herself as Inquisitor? Which was ridiculous because she didn't have anything to prove. 

"Don't stand so flat footed," Hawke advised, twirling his staff lazily, almost thoughtlessly as if the limber weapon were part of his body. "More on the balls of your feet. A Mage's greatest ability is pinning down their enemies while staying mobile and out of harm's way. If someone's in a Mage's line of sight, that someone is dead. But that can be used against you as well. You need to be ready to move. Control the battlefield, make sure you're aware of what's happening. One wrong blink and..." 

Hawke disappeared from view suddenly and Shai jerked at the abrupt motion. A blade pressed against the small of her back and a strong arm encircled her neck, squeezing only hard enough to prove a point. 

"Right," she breathed, her breath tickling the hairs dotting Hawke's forearm. He released her and stepped away. 

"Lets try again," he rumbled and took up a stance a few feet away. Shai braced herself, leaning forward and shifting her weight towards her toes. She watched and waited for that slight shimmering of air that would indicate a fade step. _There!_ She summoned her own and blurred some distance away. When she turned, Hawke was smiling slightly. 

"Well done," he complimented. "Now defend yourself."

"Hold on what--" 

Shai barely managed to deflect the fireball headed straight for her face. The smell of singed hair filled the immediate air and she swatted at her head. A few burnt strands were the culprit of the smell and she fixed Hawke with a withering stare. The Champion stared back, nonplussed. 

"You're fast, but you could be faster," he remarked. "Shall we?" 

One hand brought his staff back around into position while the other curled around flickering flames indicative of another attack. Without anymore warning, he launched the new missile towards Shai. She stepped hastily to the left, bringing her own staff up to deflect the fireball. It burst around her barrier, flames licking down the invisible walls of the evanescent shield. 

Shai couldn't repress the grin that threatened her features. _1-1 the scores even now._  

"Is that all you got?" She challenged. A low whistle greeted her words and she turned to see Rhys and Varric leaning against the rungs of the sparring ring. 

"I'd be careful if I were you Hawke. There's a reason we call her Bullseye," Varric warned. 

"Bullseye? I thought I was Flash?" Shai questioned. 

"Considering how well you obliterate anything that gets in your way, I think Destructor is better," Rhys teased and then ducked reflexively when Shai shot a narrowed look his way. 

"Yeah but Bullseye has a better ring to it," Varric ascertained. "Besides, Destructor and Herald of Andraste don't exactly go hand in hand." 

"Yeah but our Inquisitor the Destructor would make people think twice before attacking us," Rhys threw out emphatically.

"Or it would serve as a challenge and paint a bigger target on my back. I think Flash is the catchiest," Shai said. "But by all means, not trying to concentrate here or anything." 

"My bad, love." Rhys winked and smacked Varric's shoulder. "We'll be quiet, yeah?" 

Shai rolled her eyes and turned to face Hawke again. She gathered her concentration, leaning forward slightly and crouching a bit ready for action. Hawke cocked a brow and at her imperceptible nod, he charged. His staff blade dragged against the dirt, sending up small clouds mixed with sparks.

His eyes were narrowed, the pupils zeroed in on his target. He whipped his staff up when he closed the distance between them, the point of the blade roiling with contained flames. A low wall of orange and yellow swept towards Shai, the heat coming off it blasting her face. 

Her muscles coiled and released as she fade stepped past Hawke, whirling to face him at the last minute. A bolt of lightning struck into the ground next to the Champion leaving a smoking hole behind. While they'd both agreed to casting actual spells, they'd placed a limit on those they could use, namely nothing that could get out of control and burn Skyhold to a crisp. The Champion and the Inquisitor had already been at the center of enough explosions in their short careers as saviors of one world or another. 

"You're a fast learner," Hawke complimented.

"I've had some practice," Shai replied casually. Not to mention if she wasn't fast she'd be dead. "What's next?" 

"I was going to try and teach you how to concentrate some of the area spells you use. Make them cover a smaller ground but become more powerful at the same time. It'll save you some mana, leave you less exhausted in battle and you'll be able to cast more frequently." 

"Sounds like a good plan," Shai agreed. 

"Unfortunately, the sparring ring isn't as...accommodating for this as I'd hoped," Hawke rumbled, pointedly looking at the closeness of their surroundings. "This would be a much easier lesson with some open space." 

"We've got plenty of woods around," Shai offered. "I'm sure between the two of us we could put out any fires if we had to." 

Hawke chuckled lowly and brushed a hand through his hair. Shai felt her stomach clench as she watched the muscles in his arm undulate with the movement. _Oh Maker Shailene, pull it together! Stop looking at him like a piece of meat._ Well it was hard to ignore the Champion was attractive...and rugged...and somewhat of an outlaw which made him that much more exciting. 

"If you don't mind, I think I'd like to get in on this lesson," Rhys said as he vaulted the fence and landed in the ring with them. "Could use some more practice. And who better to get it from, eh? Coming Varric?" 

"I think I'll sit this one out. Got some stories calling my name," the dwarf said pushing off the fence. "You kids have fun." 

"Where's Dorian?" Shai asked Rhys as they made their way to Skyhold's gate. "Thought you two were joined at the hip?"

"He's reading in the solar. I couldn't pry him away from his books so..." Rhys shrugged to convey the rest of his explanation. "Figure he'll come out once the sun starts going down. We've got a bet between us says I can't drink him under the table."

Rhys wiggled his eyebrows conspiratorially and Shai snorted. Her old friend and the Tevinter Mage were like unruly children when left unsupervised.  

"Don't let Bull get wind of your plans otherwise he'll lay you out on your asses for the next couple days and I can't be carting you to Crestwood like that," she warned.

"Oh don't worry. He's drinking with the winner," Rhys assured cheekily.

"Wonderful," Shai mumbled. Hawke listened to them silently, his lips curled in a slight smile at the nature of their exchange. Skyhold inhabitants nodded to the three Mages as they passed, some saluting to Shai when they recognized her. Most seemed unaffected by the staves they carried across their backs but there were still cautious looks thrown their way. Shai ignored them for the most part; you could please some but not all. And it would be like throwing yourself against a stone wall trying to fix that ratio.

"Inquisitor, Ser Hawke," the Inquisition soldier manning the gate greeted them as they arrived. "Going out?"

"Don't I get a greeting?" Rhys grumbled with fake annoyance and Shai elbowed him. 

"Just to the woods," she explained, leaving off what exactly it was they'd be doing. The soldier nodded and opened his mouth to respond but a bugle blast cut him off.

"Force approaching! At attention!"

Shai looked to the stone drawbridge where indeed a carriage was rumbling towards them. A platoon of foot soldiers proceeded it, the front line carrying heraldry that twisted and turned in the wind. Her eyes skittered over the banners and her body went rigid. Below the image of a rearing horse was stitched the lettering  _MODEST IN TEMPER, BOLD IN DEED._

The foot soldiers marched in rhythm together, their feet stamping in place for a few paces before they halted at a respectable distance. Inquisition soldiers seemed to materialize from the walls of Skyhold, convening beneath the portcullis, swords drawn and at the ready. A familiar voice called that he wanted eyes on the ramparts and Shai took a deep breath as Cullen convened next to them, Rylen at his elbow. Silently she marveled at the speed with which the Commander had been notified. But then again, after Haven, they had to be on guard.  

Cullen nodded to Rylen who in turn nodded to another soldier. 

"Present and state your business!" The soldier called brusquely. Shai's mouth went dry and her knees turned to jelly. She wanted nothing more than to turn and disappear inside the safety of Skyhold but her feet were anchored to the ground.

The door of the carriage opened and someone stepped out, hidden amidst the platoon. The soldiers parted like a wave, allowing their charge to penetrate their ranks. Shai swallowed audibly, her hands starting to sweat. _Please no, please no, please no, please no..._

"Wonder who this could be," Rhys murmured lowly, then,"love are you ok? You look a tad pale," when he caught sight of Shai. But she couldn't answer, couldn't unstick her tongue from her mouth as a jolt of recognition went through her. For coming to stand before the front lines of her soldiers was a woman regally wrapped in a thick, fur lined cloak, her deep olive skin seeming untouched by the years.

The woman surveyed the walls of Skyhold, her gaze appraising and critical. It swept over the Inquisition greeting party, noting the drawn swords and wary expressions. Finally it landed upon Shai, picking her out seamlessly from the crowd. Dark, steely emerald eyes met their paler, lighter counterpart and Shai felt her stomach heave. Cordelia Trevelyan had come to Skyhold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up, non?


	29. In which Affairs are Revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to 300 kudos, you guys rock <3  
> POLL TIME! This idea for another fic has been floating around in my head for a bit and I've already got the first chapter done butttttt a steampunk, dark fantasy-ish AU version of DAI (with some creative twists of course) ? Thoughts? Opinions? You love it? You want it? You hate it with all your being just on principle??? (Plz say no to that one lol) But tell me in the comments!

Cullen observed silently; Cordelia and her daughter could've been twins, and even that was an understatement. The two women were carved from the same mold, from the darkly arched eyebrows to the spattering of freckles covering the bridge of the nose to the deeply bronzed skin. There was a harshness, though, in Cordelia's face that didn't necessarily transfer to her daughter's; the matriarch of House Trevelyan had a definitive set to her chin, making it seem sharper than it was.

But Cullen surmised that was more from how she was setting her jaw than what it naturally looked like relaxed. She was still a striking woman, even in her mature age, and he guessed that when she'd been little more than Shai's years, she had been simply stunning. Although he didn't know for sure, Cullen was almost entirely certain Cordelia had been the gem of her house, a prize to be married to the highest bidder.  

But the eyes however, was where the point of difference between mother and daughter lay; Cordelia's were a dark, snapping emerald with a haughtiness to their depths. Penetrating and serious, they missed nothing. Shai's irises were pale, closer to the color of peridot, and while they too were quite sharp they were softer.  

"Our Inquisitor doesn't exactly seem happy to have her mother here," Leliana commented quietly by his side. Cullen had to agree that Shai had looked remarkably displeased ever since Cordelia's carriage rumbled across Skyhold's drawbridge.

In fact, Shai stood as far as respectably possible from her mother's side in the courtyard, the lack of interaction earning more than a few curious glances. Cullen could almost hear the thoughts circulating through those observing the Inquisitor's mother: _Were they not on good terms? The Inquisitor hasn't even hugged her yet!_

"I suspect she's probably in shock," Cullen said out of the side of his mouth. The Spymaster nodded. 

"They can't have seen each other for years and yet they act as if they've never met. How...interesting." 

Cullen recognized Leliana's tone of voice and shook his head slowly. "Don't," he warned. "Leave them be for now." 

"But of course. Far be it for me to open an old wound." 

He snorted in disagreement, being completely aware of how their Spymaster could operate under the guise of interest. Leliana was good at her job, far too good, but sometimes she could be impersonal. Whatever bad blood was between Shai and Cordelia Trevelyan, he wanted it to be on the Inquisitor's time that it was revealed. Not that he didn't have some semblance of an idea.

He hadn't forgotten that night they'd spent arguing in the snow at Haven, Shai hurling insults at him repeatedly yet also supporting her arguments about the Mages with evidence from her past she may or may not have realized she was revealing. But the rest of Skyhold--no--the rest of the _Inquisition_ , had no idea and the circumstance needed to remain as such. 

"They do bear an uncanny resemblance, do they not Commander?" 

"One would have to be blind not to notice." 

"Hmm," Leliana murmured. "I suspect you know now where our Inquisitor gets her looks."

"I beg your pardon?" Cullen coughed as he swallowed wrong. 

"One would have to be _blind_ not to notice the way you look at her. Or the way she sneaks glances at you when she thinks no one's looking."  

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Cullen said hastily, his stomach turning over. Damn him, damn him, damn him. Did Leliana know?It wasn't as if he and Shai flaunted they'd been together out in the open for all to see. But then again, Leliana wasn't called the Spymaster for nothing. 

"You're paling Commander." 

"No I'm not," Cullen snapped in anger at being tipped. Maker's breath, were they found out? He locked eyes with Shai at the very moment she looked up from the discussion she was engaged in with Josephine and her mother. Her gaze said nothing and yet everything. Even from the distance he was at he could see the trapped expression printed there clear as day. And he felt that same emotion deep in his gut. 

"You can breathe easy, Cullen. I'm not going to say anything." 

He exhaled mightily, wanting to kick himself for the obvious display of relief. Leliana's use of his name, no doubt sounding assuring in her mind, only made nervous bile rise in his throat. 

"Relationships between comrades isn't uncommon. Especially when forced into life or death situations such as we are; it heightens feelings, creates senses of urgency. But you of course understand the need for discretion in your...affairs. Our private lives cannot interfere with the Inquisition's purpose." 

"And you think I would let them?" Cullen asked with a strong edge of steel to his voice. He'd based almost his entire life on privacy and discretion. He wasn't about to break it now, especially now. Not when so much was on the line. He was a grown man for Maker's sake! He knew how to keep business and pleasure separate. Especially a pleasure that might only be temporary. He ignored the instant pang of future loss that thought generated. _Why, Maker why, did she have to go and bring this up?_

Leliana was silent for a moment. "No, I know you wouldn't. Just...be careful," she warned with a frown. "The information is of no use to us but if it were to be discovered by others...our credibility would be called into question." 

"And I have no intentions of letting that happen," Cullen growled on the heels of her comment. The Spymaster pursed her lips in reception of his assurance. 

"I do not doubt your word, Commander. I only sought to counsel." 

"And have yet to note I did not ask for said counsel," Cullen said through gritted teeth. More than anything he was extremely embarrassed but he wanted to ask just how much Leliana knew, though he dared not risk revealing himself further. He excused himself with a few mumbled words, seeking the sanctuary of his office. Shai seemed engrossed in whatever Josephine was saying but he caught her slide him a glance out of the corner of her eye, no doubt wishing she could disappear on command. He cursed as Josephine turned when Shai's eyes stayed on his person. The Ambassador smiled and motioned him over. 

"Commander Cullen, allow me to introduce--" she stopped and looked to Shai. "My apologies Inquisitor, I'm sure you would like to do the honors?" 

Shai looked like she'd rather have her teeth pulled but she hid her grimace, albeit poorly, and gestured rigidly. "Commander...this is my mother, Lady Cordelia Trevelyan. Mother...Commander Cullen Rutherford." 

"Charmed," Cordelia purred and extended her hand. Cullen stared at the smooth expanse of skin covering the back of it before remembering himself and taking it loosely in his own. He bent at the waist and provided the faintest brush of his lips before straightening. 

"A pleasure my lady. Welcome to Skyhold." 

"Thank you Commander. I'd never thought to see my daughter again. I'm sure you can imagine that all this,"--Cordelia stopped to acknowledge the courtyard--"is quite a surprise. Last I'd heard, Shailene was attending to her studies in the Ostwick Circle. And now here she is your...Inquisitor." 

The skin around Cordelia's eyes tightened as she smiled but it looked more as if she were baring her teeth than expressing happiness. Cullen recoiled from her expression mildly, disguising it as a mere shift of position. Cordelia hardly looked the part of joyfully reunited parent. In fact, Cullen wondered what the purpose of her visit was. She certainly hadn't appeared because she missed Shai; that much was clear even to the most dense onlooker. 

"I was just explaining to Lady Cordelia how we'll have to apologize for the meager accommodations," Josephine said. "Caught unawares, we have not had time to prepare adequately for her person yet." 

"Quite," Cullen agreed though he was more focused on Shai's reaction to the introduction. Her mouth was stretched in an accommodating smile but it was frozen and seemed in danger of slipping off her face entirely. Her hands were clasped behind her back and Cullen would bet anything they were clenched aggressively, nails digging into supple palms. He wanted to comfort her with a hand against her back, a small gesture that she would be okay, but he knew it would be most inappropriate to do so now.  

"Perhaps we can supply you with the grand tour later on Lady Cordelia?" 

Shai's mother looked faintly displeased at the idea but she masked it quickly. "Of course Ambassador. I would...enjoy a turn about the grounds. But for the moment, I'm quite exhausted by my journey. We've been on the road for many days and traveling by carriage is only somewhat more preferable than traveling by horseback. I would quite like to retire for the afternoon." 

"Understandable." Josephine nodded with an accompanying bow. "May I show you to your rooms?" 

"I thank you for your attention Lady Montilyet. But if you don't mind, perhaps my daughter wouldn't mind accompanying me? We do have so much to catch up on from the past years." 

Shai jerked and her lips thinned like she'd just tasted something sour. She'd said little to nothing the whole time Cullen had been watching her. He suspected the culprit was delayed shock. He watched Shai nod grudgingly; the cracks in her facade were becoming more apparent with every second and for her sake he hoped she exited the courtyard soon. He'd never seen this level of disgust scroll across her face before...well...except when she'd looked at him. _But that was in the past_ , he reminded himself. Things were different now. They'd made amends. Or had they? Damn his mind.

Perhaps Leliana was right, perhaps he really did give himself away every time he looked at her. Yet the Spymaster had also said Shai snuck looks his direction when she didn't think he was looking. So that in and of itself meant that the Inquisitor _was_ feeling something for him, right? Cullen set his jaw, his teeth grinding against each other. Things were so entwined he didn't know which way was up and which was down anymore. He and Shai needed to talk, even if the embarrassment he would feel over such a discussion killed him. He couldn't let another opportunity--like the one in the stables the other day--pass him by. 

"Cullen?" 

His eyes snapped to Josephine and belatedly he realized that Shai and her mother were gone. 

"My apologies Ambassador. I was...just thinking." 

Josephine smiled understandingly and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Her writing pad was absent for once, probably left waiting on her desk once the news of their impromptu guest had swept through Skyhold. "This will certainly be an interesting visit," she commented with a sigh.

The courtyard was beginning to clear as people returned to their work, their source of curiosity thus far removed. 

"That it will," Cullen agreed lowly. "That it will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POLL TIME NOW THAT YOU'VE READ THE CHAPTER! Thoughts on a dark fantasy/ steampunk style of DAI? Lol help a girl out..


	30. Sweet Little Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if ya'll who have this bookmarked or subscribed (or however that process works) have been getting update notifications about like 20 chapters. I was just going through, breaking up paragraphs to make the reading easier since I didn't do that before (like a dingbat). Also combined the chapter of Cullen meeting Cole at Skyhold and then Shai springing him from the jail since I like them better together as opposed to stand alones. That is all, happy reading.

"My daughter the Inquisitor and to think I had no idea!" 

Shai gritted her teeth and kept her gaze ahead. She and Cordelia were en route to the guest quarters within Skyhold. Normally, the majority of the quarters would be located on the opposite side of the great hall from Shai's own. Due to Cordelia's impromptu arrival, however, she was receiving the one functioning chamber that existed diagonally from Shai's.

"Don't worry mother. There's still plenty of time for you to reap the benefits," Shai snapped irritatedly. Cordelia tsked reprovingly. 

"Honestly Shailene, do you think that little of me?" 

Shai guffawed and stopped, raising her arms then letting them fall to her sides in exasperation. "Is that truly a serious question?" 

Cordelia's lips twisted in a pucker as if she'd just tasted a particularly sour lemon. _Go back where you came from before you cause any more damage_ , Shai thought venomously. 

"I don't know why or how you've come to villainize me so much." 

"I assure you mother, you've done that all on your own." 

All she wanted to do was see her mother escorted to her chambers and then duck and run. She had no interest in being around Cordelia for longer than necessary. None whatsoever. 

"Shailene...I know things haven't always been the best between us--" 

"Oh really? What tipped you off?" Shai laughed acerbically. "Did you honestly expect me to welcome you here with open arms? In case its slipped your memory, the last time we saw each other was when you'd happily handed me over to the Templars. I watched you send me away from the back of a wagon, my hands bound, guards ready to smite me at the smallest hint of magic."

Shai realized her voice had risen considerably and she clenched her hands, willing her composure back. She didn't need any extra ears privy to their conversation; there were enough prying eyes as it was. She and Cordelia were midway through the great hall and still had a decent amount of space left to the door that would finally give them some privacy in the stairwell. For now she could hide her disgust at her mother's presence...maybe. 

"How did you even find me?" Shai asked lowly. 

"You should know by now that gossip is the currency for the world in which we live. Especially among noble houses. I have a friend who was visiting the bazaar in Val Royeaux. She said you made _quite_ the spectacle there. Of course your Inquisition relocating provided a bit of a challenge but there are always those willing to investigate for a fair price." 

"Right...and I'm sure you were just beside yourself trying to find your dear, estranged daughter." 

Cordelia inhaled deeply, her emerald eyes narrowing. Her jaw was taut and her lips thinned. She looked like she was trying her best to remain patient and Shai had the sudden urge to provoke her mother beyond repair. Maybe then all of Skyhold could see the demon that had been invited inside its walls.

"I have not come here to pretend that...past events haven't blackened our relationship."

"Past events?" Shai nearly choked on her surprise. She'd known her mother could play the repentant sinner with the best of them but this, this was an entirely different level of feigned contrition. "You nearly had me drowned to purge me of my magic! You had me tied down so I could have leeches put on me! Do those really count as past events in your book? Not torture?!" 

"Sweetheart--"

"Don't call me that," Shai hissed. 

"Your father and I, we did that for your own good. We didn't want you to carry the burden of being a Mage." 

"No, YOU didn't want the burden of having a Mage child. It had nothing to do with me. You couldn't have that stain tarnishing the family name. What would happen if Bann and Lady Trevelyan couldn't marry their only daughter off to a respectable house, hmm? People would gossip, and not the good kind. You would've been finished, social outcasts. Don't pretend like you did any of that to benefit me."

Shai watched Cordelia's face go from red to pink to pale and finally return to its normal, deep olive.

"I'm hurt you think of me that way."

"Oh don't play the victim, mother. It doesn't suit you."

"I came here to reconcile Shailene, to regain what we missed out on during all those years. Whether you believe me or--"

"I don't," Shia interrupted flatly. "That should save you some time. Maybe you can leave in the morning now."

Cordelia eyed her daughter silently, her face impassive. "I understand your hostility towards me but--"

"Ha!"

"I understand your hostility Shailene. I won't pretend that I didn't err in my ways, and err greatly at that. I should not have allowed the fear felt towards Mages to soil my love for you, my daughter. And I apologize for what has happened."

Shai was dumbstruck. Her mother, Cordelia Rivella Trevelyan, did not apologize. No matter how wrong she might be. _Its a ruse_. Her eyes narrowed and she regarded Cordelia coldly. 

"I have to admit, were I ten years younger, maybe even five, those would've been the magic words. You can't fool me mother. I never once believed you wanted me back or regretted your decision to send me away. I was right where you needed, out of the way and stopped from being a social embarrassment to you and father. I won't deny that I wished a lot of times you'd come rescue me, claim it was all a huge misunderstanding. But then, thats not you is it mother? And I don't buy for a second that's the person you've become. You can keep your apologies. Your room is through that door and up the stairs to the left."   

Not waiting for a response or to take in her mother's reaction, Shai turned on her heel and exited the great hall. Her hands were balled into such tight fists her fingernails were digging gouges out of her palms. But she didn't care. If she stayed in that woman's presence for one more second, she'd burn the place down around Cordelia. Her insides twisted, her stomach knotting itself almost painfully. 

Oh she was good, she was very good to play upon Shai's emotions. To pretend she wanted nothing more than to reconcile with her daughter was a transparent farce. There was a deeper motive beneath that. _I should be offended that she believed I was dumb enough to fall for it_. Shai snorted. She wanted to be offended. She wanted to hold onto the anger raging through her body at her mother's lies. 

But it was hard when beneath the anger, cracks of old hurt were opening. True she'd had many years to come to terms with the fact that her parents didn't want her because of something so inherently part of her, it would be like cutting out a piece of her soul to try and remove. Yes she wanted to say that she had hardened her heart towards those relatives bearing her same last name, that she could look at them with nothing more than contempt and hate.

But now she was forced to stare Cordelia in the eye, to be so close to the woman she had wanted nothing more from than the love a mother gives her child. A love that had been denied her and then physically taken from her the minute Templars appeared at the gates of the Trevelyan estate. Were Cordelia a younger woman when that had happened, Shai had no reservations that she and the Bann would have tried for another child, a normal child this time around. But Cordelia was nearing the end of her child bearing years, and if rumor was to be believed, Shai had been a particularly difficult pregnancy and birth on her own.

 _So at the end of the day I can say that at least I wasn't replaced_ , she thought with a small hiccup. The noise caught in her throat and came out more like the precursor to a sob. It hurt, damnit. It hurt to see the woman who should have loved her unconditionally, for all her life, materialize out of thin air and make a joke of making reparations. It hurt that Cordelia would use her daughter's newfound status to elevate her own, for Shai knew that had to be the motive behind her mother's visit.

And it damned well bloody hurt that for a moment, Shai had wanted that apology to be true. For a moment she had believed her mother, had let those false words swirl around inside her brain, had been that child again; eager to please, lost and alone, vulnerable because deep down she knew she was balancing on the fine edge of failure. And it hurt more than Shai thought it would reinstating to herself that none of Cordelia's apology would ever come to pass.

Because like she'd acknowledged prior, Cordelia Trevelyan didn't apologize and she certainly didn't apologize to a disgraceful daughter. It was a ruse, and a flimsy one at that. Soon enough the true intentions behind her mother's visit would shine through and, at that time, Shai would happily boot Cordelia and her entourage out into the snow without a backwards glance. She grimaced. Her thoughts were far from pleasant and they were making her gut broil.

She decided spontaneously that she and her companions could leave for Crestwood a little earlier than planned. The main preparations were finished, the route they would ride mapped out, the rendezvous points with Scout Harding marked. All that was left was the gathering of provisions and manpower. And the latter was easily done. Rhys, Blackwall, Cassandra, and Sera all knew they would be tagging along; Hawke's company was a given.

All Shai had to do was give the signal and her companions would gather their belongings and be ready to head out. Her decision made, she turned on her heel and headed for Josephine's office. Getting away from Skyhold for a time would hopefully do some good. And maybe, just maybe, Cordelia would be gone by the time they returned. Unlikely...but maybe. 


	31. Out of the Pot and into the Fire

"Everyone watch your eyes!"

Shai threw her left hand towards the rift, the mark on her palm surging and sending forth a blast of green light. She gritted her teeth and grunted at the spike of familiar discomfort it generated. Her arm shook slightly and she wrapped the fingers of her right hand around her left wrist.  _Just a bit longer..._

She waited for the final snap of light and the crackle of the sky mending itself, but it didn't come. The rift still twisted and turned, but it wasn't growing smaller. A flare of pain shot up her arm and she cried out at the suddenness of it.

"What're you waiting for?! Close it!" Cassandra called.

"I'm trying to!" Shai answered angrily. "Come on, come on...." she growled.

Why wasn't it closing?! Her left arm jerked forward taking her body with it. Shai's eyes widened and she dug her feet into the soft, swampy ground of Crestwood. Something was wrong. The rift wasn't releasing her it was...Maker it was drawing her in! Her boots dug trenches in the ground as she slid forward, fighting the pull of the rift with every inch.

"Something's wrong! I can't--I can't close it!"

Shai cried out again as a searing began in her palm. It grew faster and faster until her whole hand felt as if she'd thrust it into a fire. Her mouth opened on a blood curdling shriek as her whole arm felt like it was encased in flames. She swore she could even see smoke curling from her outstretched palm in white tendrils.

A pair of steel gauntleted arms encircled her waist.

"Fight it!" The Seeker ordered as she pulled on Shai. Cassandra's efforts went in vain as the two women slid another couple inches towards the rift. In another few feet they'd be directly beneath the jagged ball of green. Shai screamed as much in pain as panic. 

Her vision was blurring over and her chest and head throbbed with an unholy agony. Her chest felt like a boulder was sitting on it and drawing breath was becoming increasingly difficult, the feeling of suffocation setting in. A sharp ringing filled Shai's ears and her eardrums popped.

The rift flared blindingly bright, casting all surroundings in its sickly glow. All at once, it was over. Shai's arm wrenched savagely upwards, a loud crack lashed through the air, and then her world went black.

++++++++

Her eyes cracked open with difficulty and she stared up at the burlap roofing of a tent. Shai smacked her lips, trying to draw moisture into her dry mouth. Everything ached and throbbed and tingled. Had one of those damned druffalo dotting the outskirts of Crestwood run her over?

It certainly felt like it. Slowly, so slowly she turned her head to look about the tent. There was no one with her though the smells of campfire and roasting meat were permeating the air.

Shai wanted to sit up and found she couldn't. Her shoulders wouldn't rise more than an inch off the cot she was laying on and she soon realized why. Straps kept her immobile, crossing the length of her body.  _ What the fuck...was I...was I captured? _ Cold dread settled in her stomach. Red Templars had been spotted in the area. 

Had she and her party lost whatever fight they'd engaged them in? Were her companions even now lying dead while she'd been taken alive? Her memories were so fuzzy trying to think back. She remembered the ride to Crestwood, rendezvousing with Scout Harding, venturing towards the town of Crestwood to speak with the mayor and then...nothing.

Shai gritted her teeth. She had to think. If she was really at the mercy of the Templars then she needed to get free and fast. She had no intention of letting them deliver her to Corypheus or whatever other crackpot sub-master they might be supervised by currently. But what good would escape be when she was quite literally trussed up like a calf for slaughter?

She could barely even wiggle her hands and--wait a minute, what was her left arm doing in a sling? Shai craned her neck, gaining a crick in it quite rapidly. Her left arm lay useless in layers of bandaging. She tried to move her fingers without any success. Instead a pulse of pain emanated from her palm and she gasped loudly. Maker, the mark felt like it had that first day she'd woken up in the cells of Haven.

The voices that had been mumbling lowly outside her tent up until this point ceased and she cursed herself in muted tones for letting her captors know she was awake. The flap to the tent parted in the next instant letting in a burst of sunlight. Shai squinted against the onslaught of brightness. Through her adjusting eyes she could make out the familiar person of the Seeker.

"Oh thank the Maker it's just you."

Shai's head dropped back against the cot in relief.

"Who else would it be?" Cassandra asked skeptically, one finely formed brow raised.

"Look, I wake up tied down with the last thing I remember being heading to meet the mayor. I wasn't expecting a good outcome to say the least."

"So...you don't remember anything else?" Cassandra asked in surprise.

"No...?"

The Seeker made a noise then stuck her head back through the mouth of the tent. "She's awake."

Immediately they were joined by Rhys and Blackwall.

"Good to see you're still alive, love. Thought you were a goner for a bit."

It was meant as a joke but Shai picked up on an undercurrent of worry in her friend's words.

"What exactly happened?" She asked. She was beginning to feel a little nervous with the large gap of missing memory. She fidgeted restlessly then realized she was still restrained. "Uh would somebody mind untying me?"

Blackwall stepped forward and undid the strap's buckles, his bushy brows throwing his eyes into shadow.

"Thanks." Shai sat up awkwardly, her left arm secured in its sling. She tried to turn her hand over and found it still wouldn't move.

"Your arms broken," Blackwall rumbled. "I splinted it the best I could but Skyhold's where the real help will be."

Indeed Shai could see pieces of stick poking through the bandages wrapped around her forearm. "Ok...someone really needs to start talking."

"Your mark is spreading again," Cassandra stated bluntly.

Shai inhaled sharply. _What? No..._  A sick feeling of panic settled in her stomach. Black spots swam suddenly before her vision and she thought she might be profusely sick. "How?" She rasped.

"We can't know more until Solas can examine you. You went to close a rift and it pulled you in. The mark's connection was...stronger somehow; it wouldn't let go. When it finally did, it broke your arm. After, you were delirious. We had to tie you down for your own safety. That was when we noticed the mark had started spreading."

Cassandra's voice stated event after event that Shai had no recollection of. And each was worse than the next. Her mark spreading? Well, hadn't it been killing her when it first appeared after all? But it had been stable for so long! It wasn't fair! Why now?!

"I've sent a missive back to Skyhold, we will return there presently."

"Rhys can set wards though? We don't have to go all the way back."

Shai knew deep down that whatever level of healing magic her friend possessed wouldn't be good enough for this. Even combined with her own healing magic, rudimentary as it was. But she desperately wanted it to be. She wanted this to just be another cut or bruise in the long line of cuts and bruises she'd sustained so far. Not the possible end of her life!

Rhys shook his head apologetically."Aye I can set them but they'll only numb the pain, that's how we got you to sleep at last. They aren't doing anything for slowing the mark down though. Its spread almost to your wrist. That elfs about the only one who knows what this shite is."

"Can you set enough to get her through the journey home?" Blackwall inquired. Rhys grunted in confirmation and the Warden nodded stiffly.  "Then we best not delay. Skyhold's a good weeks ride from here, not to mention the undead we might have to get through on the way out."

"Wait what about Hawke's contact?!" Shai protested. 

The Champion had ridden with them thus far, acting as their guide to where his ally was holed up.

"He's gone on to the rendezvous point and said he'll await our return," Cassandra said. 

"We can't just leave! We'll lose a whole month just in travel time! At least someone has to stay here and go with Hawke," Shai argued. She couldn't, wouldn't, let a mission be abandoned because the blasted thing she'd never asked for had picked this exact moment to act up. 

She stared down at her useless arm with loathing. How many nights had she wished she would wake up and her hand would magically be normal again? How many times had she sunk into such great despair and anger that she was cursed with this burden?

Shai's companions looked at each other. She knew she had a point. Their sole mission in Crestwood was for more information on Corypheus's intentions and they couldn't just leave it hoping it would still be here when they got back.

"I'll stay," Blackwall finally offered. "If this friend is a Warden then mayhap I can serve as an adequate substitute for the Inquisitor. We were men in the same armor after all." 

"We may not be able to return as soon as we'd like to think," Cassandra pointed out. "What will you do in the meantime?" 

Blackwall shrugged. "Make myself useful. We got a decent enough look at the village. Those people need help protecting themselves. They can't hide behind those sad excuses for walls forever. I can train whoever's willing, give them a better defense against the undead. Maker knows they've got bandits and demons to worry about as well." 

"You can't close those rifts without me," Shai argued though it hardly needed mentioning. 

"No milady I cannot. But I can help staunch the flow of demons pouring out of 'em. Keep the village from collapsing under the weight of those damned things."

Cassandra nodded, apparently satisfied with Blackwall's battle plan. Shai was more than against leaving the Warden alone, even though he wouldn't truly be so, but she couldn't put together a plausible argument for why he should accompany them back to Skyhold. A no brainer part of any mission the Inquisition ran  _was_ to give aid to those who needed it.  

Crestwood probably fit that bill more than anything. Besides, it wasn't as if she could physically drag Blackwall with them. Though she knew if she gave the word he would follow her obediently back to the mountain fortress. 

"Whatever progress you make, send it along to Leliana," Shai relented. At least she could read reports and keep up to speed with everything, even being leagues away. Blackwall nodded. 

"As you wish milady. Safe travels." 

"And you stay safe here," Shai said.    

++++

Cullen heard the first bugle sound as he sat behind his desk. He forced himself to steadily finish reading the last few papers that lay before him. He would not allow himself to jump from his seat and rush to the courtyard like he longed to do. 

Instead, he would descend the stairs outside his office in an orderly fashion and greet the Inquisitor along with the rest of the advisors. Cool, calm, collected; that was how he would appear.  

At the second bugle blast, indicating riders crossing Skyhold's bridge, Cullen said to hell with his intentions and left his work on pause. Shai had been gone for nearly three weeks. His work wasn't going anywhere. And it wasn't that he was _dying_ to see her or to catch sight of her cat like eyes or watch the surprising red and caramel highlights ripple out of her dark brown hair in the sunlight. 

He had missed her...with the same level of professionalism he would miss Josephine or Leliana or even the Seeker with if he hadn't seen them in a while. _Right, keep telling yourself that_... _I will, thank you very much_. Cullen pulled the heavy oak of his office door towards him. They sky outside was a grey-blue, wisps of clouds dotting its expanse. 

Weak sunshine broke through in places and caressed Skyhold's ramparts. Cullen heard the sharp grate of the portcullis raising and listened to the collective click of horse's hooves on stone.  He started down the nearest flight of stairs, clasping his hands behind his back. _Cool, calm collected_. He couldn't, however, slow the fast pace of his heart nor could he stop the anticipation building in his veins. 

He wanted to see her. He wanted to see she was still in one piece. And he had no right feeling that way, because she wasn't his and he wasn't hers; he could possibly never even have crossed her mind the entire time she was gone. Speaking of, the Inquisitor and her companions were back rather quickly. Cullen frowned as his pace unconsciously increased. Had something happened to make them return so soon? Or rather, had something not happened? 

Had the Champion's ally turned out to be a bust? Or had he turned over such an overwhelming amount of information that Shai had seen no other alternative than to return and digest everything? If the latter were true--and the Inquisition could greatly benefit if it was--then Cullen wanted to hear it all down to the last detail. He reached the bottom of the stairs, his boots sinking slightly into the soft earth of the courtyard. 

The familiar scent of campfire smoke and healing herbs greeted his nose. Roasted meat and baking bread came on a small gust of wind, carried from Skyhold's kitchens. Faintly he detected the musky animal smell of hay and manure drifting over from the stables. Swirled together they were all at once comforting. 

A small smattering of people awaited the Inquisitor, the advisors among them. Cullen joined them and looked to the raised portcullis. Surely Shai should be within Skyhold's walls by now. But as it was, the return party was slow moving. Each companion had slowed their horse to a walk; not one mount moved in even a slight trot and...there were only three!

Cullen's stomach clenched reflexively. He could discern Rhys and the Seeker...but no Blackwall. Was the Warden...dead? Was that the reason for the early return? Instantly he had a flashback to a much darker time when he'd discovered the bloated body floating in the cells of future Redcliffe. 

"Somethings not right," Leliana murmured to his left. "Where's Warden Blackwall?" 

"Perhaps this is the reason they return so early," Josephine answered nervously, echoing Cullen's thoughts. "By my estimations, they shouldn't have returned until next month."   


And by his as well. Cullen too had come to the conclusion that Shai and her companions shouldn't have re-appeared until the first snow melt of the new spring. As he waited with mounting dread for them to dismount and divulge what had occurred, Cassandra abruptly pulled her horse to a stop. It was only now, for some reason, that he realized Shai was riding snugly between her two surviving companions. 

And furthermore she rode slumped forward in the saddle, her shoulders hunched as if she were in pain. His throat dried. She was hurt. His foot took an involuntary step forward--as did both Leliana's and Josephine's--and when Shai leaned dangerously to the side, he broke into a jog. He was beside Zephyr's shoulder fast enough to catch the Inquisitor as she quite literally toppled out of the saddle. 

She was a dead weight landing in his arms and Cullen stumbled slightly as he worked to keep his balance. The hood of Shai's cloak dropped away from her face and he noted the sickly, pale pallor of her skin, how her cheekbones seemed gaunt and unusually pronounced. A bolt of fear shot through him, making his heart skip a beat. _What had happened?!_  

"We need to get her to Solas," the Seeker ordered, her tone urgent. Cullen needed little more than that. He turned and headed directly for the elf's solar. Curious onlookers were straining on their tiptoes to catch a glimpse of the Inquisitor and Cullen shielded her from the probing glances as best he could. 

"What happened?" Leliana asked as she, Cassandra, Josephine, and Rhys fell into step behind him. 

"I'll explain inside." 

Shai shuddered and Cullen spared a look down at her again. Her lips were stricken of color and parted around teeth that chattered. _Good Maker, what had happened?!_  His mind spun freely over things that could be blamed for the Herald's current condition. Neither the Seeker nor Rhys looked injured so a battle was unlikely to blame for the Inquisitor's state. Yet Blackwall hadn't returned with them and Cassandra refused to speak of what had occurred publicly. 

He took the stairs to Skyhold's great hall two at a time, his legs easily conquering the space between steps. Inside the cavernous foyer, Inquisition members milled about. Varric was at his usual post by the fire, studiously scratching away at a piece of parchment, but looked up at their entrance, his eyes bugging once he saw Shai. Cullen paid the dwarf and the other inhabitants no mind as he pushed through the door into Solas's private chambers. 

The bald elf was predictably involved in his studies. He stood poised by his small, overburdened desk, one forearm resting against the small of his back while the hand of his other arm held a book open before his face. He did not turn to face them as they intruded on his solitude. 

"Solas," Cassandra began. "The mark is spreading." 

"That isn't possible!" Leliana exclaimed at the same time Josephine declared, "Surely not!" 

"Aye, its happening," Rhys commented direly, his tone that of someone forced to come to grips with something vastly unpleasant. 

_That's what this was?!_   Cullen turned horrified eyes to where Shai's left hand should've been visible. But it was still within the confines of the cloak and he felt it would be too perverted to pry the heavy material out of the way for a glimpse. The elf turned, his hand fluidly placing the open book upon a stack of its brethren. 

"When did this start?" Solas asked calmly as if they were discussing the weather and not whether Shai would live or die. _Maker..._ Cullen felt like the wind had been sucked from the room. This couldn't be happening. The mark had been _killing_ her the last time they'd had to have a discussion about it spreading. And if it was doing that again...

"In Crestwood. The Inquisitor went to close a rift and it drew her in. The mark's connection wouldn't sever, instead it...it grew stronger. It broke her arm when the rift finally shut." 

Cullen's eyes flew down again to Shai's form and this time he gingerly reached to move the cloak aside. True to Cassandra's words, Shai's left arm was bound in a sling.  Solas's straight slashes of brows furrowed. 

"Commander, if you'd be so kind as to take the Inquisitor to her chambers where I can better examine her, I will gather a few of my notes and meet you there presently." 

Solas turned away from them again and began sorting through his piles of literature. Cullen looked to the others; he wondered if he was the only one who hadn't expected the conversation to be so brief. But Solas had, after all, attended to Shai initially; the procedure shouldn't be something new to him. 

Following another's orders, for the first time in what felt like forever, Cullen bee lined for Shai's quarters. He felt cold all over, willing Shai's eyes to open with every step he took. _Maker please be ok...please be ok..._ He had to resist the urge to jerk Shai away from Cordelia when the Inquisitor's mother came rushing over once they re-entered the great hall, and attached herself to their quartet like a leech. She worried and panicked aloud, playing the dutiful parent as well as it had ever been played, yet Cullen was neither fooled nor particularly interested in the performance. 

His thoughts resided entirely around Shai and whether or not she would even _live_ to see the first snow melt of the new spring. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, wouldn't it stand to reason that when Coryphy-tit grabbed the Herald's arm at Haven and tried to remove the mark, some shit would've come from it? 
> 
> *Disclaimer: if this is somehow venturing into DLC territory, my sincerest apologies. I haven't played ANY of them or even finished the main game (no spoilers in the comments, hopefully I haven't just written a chapter on one) and this is just something I personally felt would have happened after that Haven encounter or, you know, there might've been some problem at the next rift/mark interaction.


	32. Releasing Inhibitions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...this chapter dragged me to hell and back. I kept envisioning different ways for it to go and deleting and re-typing and now its over, its finally over *insert Frodo after he destroys the one ring meme* but ya'll...300 kudos Ilysm  <3 fingers crossed you enjoy this update

"Are you comfortable miss? I can add more wood to the fire if you'd like?"

"I'm perfect, Sophie. Thanks."

Shai's personal chambermaid curtsied and picked up the dirty tray containing the remnants of Shai's dinner. Sophie smiled shyly and took her leave, mumbling a soft "good night your Worship." Shai sighed and relaxed back into the mountain of pillows cushioning her back from her bed's headboard. Miko snored softly by her feet, his hairless body curled into the mounds of the down comforter. After having what felt like all of Skyhold crowd into her room to make sure she wasn't dying, she was finally alone.  

She hadn't been delirious upon waking--thank the Maker for small miracles--only surprised she'd suffered such extreme fatigue from the mark; at least that's what Solas assured was an expected side effect. Reportedly she'd ridden well enough back from Crestwood and it was only when she, Rhys, and Cassandra were a handful of miles from Skyhold that she'd taken a turn downhill.The healer summoned to her chambers had set her arm properly and repaired the worst of the break. Now her bones would just have to mend themselves on their own, hence the sling and bandages that still adorned her person. For the second time in less than two months, her left arm was rendered useless.

She'd been Solas's subject for the better part of the day; he'd twisted her hand in all directions examining the full expanse of the mark. It had indeed grown partway up her wrist, faint, green tendrils permanently etched into her skin. Around the tear on her palm, the flesh was pale and tinged with angry red striations. But it had stopped hurting for the moment thanks to the multiple wards Solas had set and the numerous potions dumped down her throat.

 _ For now the mark will not spread further. I cannot know how it will be affected by the next rift you encounter. It could start spreading again...or it could remain the same. Only time and exposure will tell _ , had been Solas's ominous diagnosis. Shai hadn't needed him to tell her any of that; she suspected it wasn't over, expected the worst. She'd been lucky so far but the luck had seemingly run out. 

She stared angrily out the double doors of her room at the blank, night sky beyond. Very few stars were out and the moon was nowhere in sight. The fire Sophie had begun crackled in the hearth, providing the only light in the room. It bathed the furniture in a warm, orange glow. It should have been comforting, what with the cold temperature outside thanks to the Frostbacks. 

Instead Shai found herself lost in the flicker of the flames. Her eyes unfocused watching the red-orange fire lick and char the logs in its grasp. _What happens if the next rift kills me? I could pass out again and wake up dead. Thats it. Finished. Ended. Snuffed out. Cassandra will be pissed. Leaving the rest of the Inquisition to close the rifts on their own, how selfish. Oh and defeat Corypheus...there's always that. Wonder how it will feel to die..._

Shai's lips unconsciously parted as she envisioned a deep, black pit swallowing her whole. Would she float above the earth for a bit? Watch her companions swarm around her unconscious body and desperately try and shake some life into it? Or would it just be straight to the Void? No detours, no chance to comprehend what was happening, just directly into oblivion?

She needed a drink. Shai shoved back the covers and swung her legs over the side of the bed. A decanter of Orlesian brandy sat invitingly on her desk in its crystal prison with an accompaniment of tumblers. So far she'd been too busy to indulge in the complimentary drinks provided for the Inquisitor's chambers; traipsing around Thedas left little time to enjoy some of the finer things in life. When they'd first moved to Skyhold, Josephine had had Sophie deliver a bottle of fine, red wine and some silver goblets. 

The wine sat untouched until it was replaced with rum, which in turn led to whiskey then something clear that scorched like holy hell going down. Shai had taken no more than a sip of that before deigning it a drink she could only indulge in whilst in the blackest of moods. 

And tonight she was coming pretty close to that accomplishment. But the brandy would have to do. She uncorked the decanter and poured a sizable portion into the closest tumbler. Without hesitation she brought the short glass to her lips and swallowed the contents. 

She coughed and sputtered as the dark liquor slid--no, burned--its way down her throat. The tumbler landed on the desk with more force than necessary, Shai's fingers gripping the sides tightly. _Another_. The decanter tipped and the tumbler refilled. Shai's head jerked back as she swallowed another mouthful. This time went easier and so did the next one and the next one after that. 

Soon the decanter was more empty than full and Shai swayed slightly on her feet. Her lips pulled into a slow, sleepy smile. _Much better._  Her mind was quieting now. She had automatically refilled her glass and she stared down into the deep caramel colored pool trapped by circular, crystal walls. Her teeth felt a tad numb as did her lips. Her cheeks were flushed and Shai brought her right hand to them, first one side than the other. 

She hiccuped and the sound echoed off her chamber's stone walls. _Shouldn't be drinking alone. Where are Rhys and Dorian when you need them? Where's Bull? Pretty sure that blasted Qunari can smell a bottle being opened from miles away..._ Shai hiccuped again and giggled. She felt lighter, like nothing had any consequences. And then she frowned. The good mood was fleeting, replaced by her mind backtracking to everything that was going wrong.  

She sighed and left her full tumbler to venture onto the balcony. In the courtyard below she could just make out the glow of torches burning in their appointed sconces. She was much too far up to hear the rhythmic, soft marching of guards on their rotations but she could just barely make out their shadows moving on the battlements. She opened her mouth to greedily inhale deep gulps of the cold, crisp Frostback air. 

It filled her lungs and calmed her mood, returning it to more of an equilibrium. Her emotions had been swinging back and forth like a pendulum since her encounter with the rift in Crestwood and the subsequent ride back. Being bed ridden all day hadn't helped either; not doing anything but laying and being examined allowed for a lot of unpleasant reflection time. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the stone railing, concentrating on the blackness behind her closed lids.  

A gust of wind made her shiver deeply and as she straightened to go back inside, a sudden impulse hit her like a lightning bolt. It was late, far past the time even the Seeker would stay up to review reports--and Cassandra was like a dog with a bone--but might one, permanent insomniac perhaps still be awake? She couldn't see his office from her balcony--the great hall blocked the view--but she'd wager all the coin in her pocket that an oil lamp still burned brightly in its window. 

With an insane burst of courage--or idiocy--Shai departed her chambers with hastily thrown on cloak and boots, what remained of the brandy decanter nestled securely in the space between her sling and body. _Perhaps the Commander could use a night cap_.  

She tiptoed past her mother's quarters, cringing at the creak her feet incurred. But then she was descending the stairs quickly enough Cordelia would catch no sight of who had passed by her door if she were to open it. The great hall was dark and quiet and Shai slipped through it to the door of Solas's solar. She hesitated with risking a chance at waking the elf; it would be more practical to leave through the front doors. 

But then again she didn't know if she could manage the heavy oak with one arm. Even with two it took her grasping one of the great, iron handles and pulling with all her strength. _If Corypheus ever comes for us here, even he might have trouble getting them open_ , she thought wryly. Another giggle left her and she bit down on her lip to stop it before realizing there was no one awake to hear her. Even so, the thrill of adrenaline at the thought of getting caught made her hurry inside Solas's solar. 

She stopped the door from whooshing shut--barely--and started towards the exit leading to the rampart. She kept her right hand on the wall, her palm rasping as it shuffled along the stone. Her eyes were slow to adjust to the dimness and that was how she nearly fell over Solas's prone form reclined on a chaise. She caught herself just in time to avoid sprawling atop the elf and having to awkwardly explain what she was doing at this hour. 

Shai skirted the obstacle and in a few more seconds was outside in the night once more. The rampart before her was blessedly clear of guards. She crossed it and stopped, confronted by yet another door. Except this one was daunting. What was behind it made her knees weak and her stomach fill with butterflies. It made her palms sweat nervously and her pulse speed up. 

It made her feel a little queasy, like she was standing on a very high precipice looking over the edge. It inspired reactions she'd never experienced so profoundly before and that was unsettling in and of itself. But at the same time, it made her raise her right hand and land three solid knocks on the wood. 

There was silence from within, and she was feeling a wash of relief that her plan had been foiled so she could return to her chambers and never think of this attempt again, but then a clipped voice called "yes?" and she froze. 

_Damn you_. But she wasn't sure exactly who that thought was aimed at. With a huff of resignation, Shai turned the door handle and gave the wood a shove. It swung halfway open, revealing Cullen stationed, unsurprisingly, behind his desk. He was sans armor and it struck Shai as weird seeing him without his normal steel ensemble. The cuirass, pauldrons, vambraces, and greaves felt like a permanent part of his person.  

Cullen looked up, no doubt expecting one of his men even at this late hour, and his eyes widened in surprise. 

"In-Inquisitor! What are you doing here?" 

Shai opened her mouth to respond but was immediately cut off. 

"Is everything alright? Is something wrong?"  Cullen's chair scraped against the floor as he stood. Shai's brandy sodden mind struggled to trudge through its liquor stupor and find an answer. 

"N-n-no it isn't, nothing's fine I mean everything's fine," she amended hastily. 

"Are you sure? The mark isn't hurting again is it? It isn't spreading either?" 

"No, no! Nothing like that!" 

"Oh." The Commander's shoulders lowered in relief and he sagged downwards towards his chair. He settled himself onto the furniture, scooting it twice to where it was once again positioned a comfortable distance from his desk. "Did you need something then?" 

"Well no...not exactly. Just...figured I shouldn't indulge alone." 

With no more preamble than that, Shai shrugged her cloak to the ground to reveal the brandy decanter wedged firmly in the crook of her sling bound arm. She watched Cullen's eyes widen at the fall of the cloak and then cloud with relief as he realized that-- _Andraste's tits did he think I was completely naked beneath this?_   

"I didn't come here to seduce you Commander. You can breathe easy," she lilted and watched Cullen duck his head like a bashful Chantry boy. 

"I-I didn't think you would." 

"You looked a tad worried there for a second." 

"I confess I didn't quite understand...what you meant by not indulging alone." 

"Certainly not a strip tease," Shai laughed. "Unless of course you want--"

"No! Maker no! No thank you," Cullen finished in a steadier tone. His cheeks reddened faintly. "I would thank you to keep your clothes on...Inquisitor." 

Shai bit her lip to keep a drunken laugh in; _bloody hell the man didn't have a single inch of finesse._

"Is that anything important?" She asked, indicating the parchment before him. Cullen looked down at it in confusion, as if he'd quite forgotten it was there. 

"This? Not especially, no. Mundane reports about recruit training patterns and proposals for a more solid presence in some of the areas the Inquisition has already--" 

His words were interrupted by Shai gently, but firmly, tugging the parchment away to turn it face down on the desk. 

"Then it can wait." 

Cullen opened his mouth in protest but with the unadulterated courage that comes with a few drinks, Shai thunked the brandy decanter down before the Commander. The light brown contents swirled to coat the crystal sides, catching the light that stemmed from the oil lamp perched on the corner of the desk. 

"They say you shouldn't drink alone." 

"Inquisitor I'm uh we shouldn't--"

"One drink won't hurt," Shai pressured, blinking to bring Cullen back into focus when he started to blur. Maker's balls if she didn't sit down soon she was likely to end up on the floor. That brandy was damn strong and she'd emptied a third of the decanter just by herself. Cullen looked from the presented opportunity to Shai's face and back again a few times. She could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind. Finally he huffed and nodded. 

"One drink...would be fine."

"Excellent choice Commander." Shai grinned and scanned the modest office. "Any glasses in here?" 

Cullen shook his head. 

"I'm afraid not. I admit it never crossed my mind to retain any. I don't normally conduct business over a glass of anything." 

"Well we can just take turns then." Shai took a seat in the chair across from Cullen's desk, uncorked the decanter, and brought the lip of it to her mouth. She tipped her head back and let a mouthful of amber liquid pool before swallowing it down. The decanter returned to the desk and she inclined her head at it. Cullen eyed the brandy speculatively. 

"Its very late," he balked again. Shai rolled her eyes and gave the decanter a quick push across the desk. Cullen sighed and his mouth twisted before he finally reached forward and retrieved the decanter. He took an almost imperceptible sip from it after smelling the contents briefly. He grimaced and shook his head as if to rid himself of the taste. 

"That is...ahem...that is very strong," Cullen wheezed, punctuating his opinion with a throaty cough and two thumps of his fist against his chest. Shai grinned and swept the decanter back to her side. She took another swig and was gratified to barely even feel the burn of the brandy coursing down her throat. _Slow down Trevelyan_. _No need to drink the Commander under the table._     

But in direct opposition to her conscience, she took another drink and a third after that. Cullen seemed to watch the rhythmic moving of her throat as she swallowed and when she came up for air, his eyes had flicked to her face. The way he was regarding her made Shai squirm in her chair and she cleared her throat to break the awkward silence that had fallen over them.

"Anything I should know?" 

"About what?" Cullen asked, leaning back in his own chair, the wood creaking beneath his weight. Shai gestured to the various sheafs of parchment laying between them. 

"Those. Anything important come along while I was...busy." 

Busy was a funny way to describe the long process it had taken to stabilize her from the inconvenient temper tantrum the mark had thrown in Crestwood. Cullen leaned forward and retrieved the parchment Shai had turned over only moments before. He offered it to her and she took it, her eyes scanning the script that adorned the page. 

"Its from Blackwall." 

"It came in a few hours ago." 

"I didn't realize he'd have something to report on so soon," Shai murmured, reading the Warden's cramped handwriting. "He's made contact with Hawke's friend." 

"So it appears," Cullen commented. Shai's lips moved as she finished the missive and set it back on the desk. 

"He writes he'll be back soon once he can see the town stabilized. But that there's still the issue of unclosed rifts, a particularly large one in the middle of the lake. I'll have to go back...but at least Hawke's friend is one more thing to cross off the list." 

"That it is." 

Shai examined the blunt, chewed down nails on her good hand for lack of something better to do. She itched to reach for the decanter if only for some way to occupy the sudden silence they found themselves in yet again. She wondered at exactly what point she could politely excuse herself to return to her chambers so she could sulk in her self-induced embarrassment in private. This had been a terrible idea. 

"Is there a particular reason you came here tonight?" Cullen's voice was low and he traced an absent circle on his desk top. Shai cast about for a better answer than the truth, and when she could come up with nothing,  shrugged. 

She couldn't admit that she'd been pity drinking and wanted someone to join her. No, not someone. Cullen. Because somewhere deep inside she'd seen a way out of her thoughts, a way to feel better if only for a short time. Never mind explaining to herself why that automatically meant the Commander. 

"Ah," Cullen said. "I thought perhaps you'd...never mind." 

"No, tell me." 

"Really, it was nothing." 

"If it was nothing then you'd say it," Shai contested and Cullen chuckled, but it sounded guilty.

"Very well then. I thought...when you...ahem, when you dropped your cloak that--" 

"That I wasn't wearing anything beneath it, I know. We covered this already." 

"Right, right, we did," Cullen backtracked hastily. "But for a second...given the timing of your call--" 

""You assumed it would be a repeat of what happened in the war room?" 

"Well," Cullen looked down at his lap, trying to hide the flush staining his face. Shai picked up the decanter and brought it to barely rest against her mouth, her next words murmured.  

"If the Commander so wishes--"

"I don't! No, wait. Maker, that came out wrong. I meant I don't want it--no that's still wrong--bloody hell..." Cullen slapped a hand to his face, his fingers spreading to cover his eyes. Shai tried her damndest to hide her smile and failed miserably. She was grinning like a fool by the time Cullen deigned to look her in the eye again. His eyes widened and then narrowed. 

"You're laughing at me." 

"You're making it too easy." 

"That's a poor example to set as Andraste's chosen," Cullen scolded, but his scar lengthened as his mouth pulled into a small smile. Shai leaned forward conspiratorially, feeling infallible as the brandy warmed her from the inside out and clouded her mind. 

"I'll let you in on a little secret," she whispered. "I'm not Andraste's chosen." 

She expected Cullen to laugh at her mock confession, or at least chuckle, but his expression sobered. 

"Did you ever believe you were?" He asked quietly, catching Shai off guard. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, surprised at the turn of conversation. Everything had been superficial up to this point, obligatory small talk. But now it seemed they were done with that, or at least Cullen was, and the burning questions were being brought to light. 

"What do you think?" Shai lilted, deflecting. Cullen sat back in his chair and studied her for a few moments. His golden eyes settled on the oil lamp burning at the edge of his desk. They never strayed for the entire time he remained silent. Finally his gaze found hers again, unwavering. 

"Yes." 

"Yes?" Shai croaked incredulously. He believed her to be chosen? Was he daft?! She'd exploded an entire temple, killed countless people, how was that the work of someone chosen? As for all the reports about a woman being behind her in the fade, wasn't it all hearsay? All she'd heard was how this person or that said someone had led her out into the wreckage of the temple. Who was to say those people hadn't made the whole thing up? Been so enraptured in the moment they'd experienced a hallucinogenic episode, however brief?

"I believe you were sent to us for a reason. Someone--someone bigger than all this--knew we needed your help," Cullen surmised.

"Do you realize how mad that sounds? I wasn't born with the ability to close rifts! It was literally burned onto me by Maker knows what and that wasn't providence, it was an accident!"

"So you never thought 'what if,' not even for a second?" Cullen asked lowly, his tone curious instead of put out like the Seeker's would've been at Shai's repeated rejection of her appointed title. Shai opened her mouth to unleash another tirade about how ridiculous the whole Andraste idea was, and then shut it with a soft click.

"I...I might have...for a second. But I knew it wasn't true. Don't you think I would've been hearing voices or something? Had some divine moment where I knew for certain I was Andraste's chosen? It seems a little, well, pompous for me to just wake up with this on my hand and then be some self proclaimed Herald."

"But you weren't self proclaimed," Cullen pointed out.

"It made no difference to the Chantry. Or to anyone else really. Everyone wanted me to be what they needed, which was an answer to save the world." Shai laughed grimly. "I said I wasn't the Herald of anything until I was blue in the face and it didn't change anything. No one wanted to hear it. Not when the Breach was still in the sky."

Shai was taken aback with her rant. She hadn't meant to unload that much, hadn't realized she was even doing that. She'd never talked to anyone but Rhys about how she felt. For one, no one would be able to understand her predicament, not even remotely; there weren't exactly a lot of ex-saviors running around. For another, no one wanted to hear their only hope for the world declare she wasn't the answer to all their problems, bad for morale and all that stuff.   

"I understand," Cullen said. 

"Have a lot of experience being called something you're not, do you?"

"No...but I understand the burden of leadership in tough times."

"You mean with your men?" Shai guessed. She couldn't think of anything else in the Commander's life, that she knew about thus far, that would come close. Cullen half nodded. 

"Yes...and no. With my men, I was appointed to that position and I knew what I was undertaking. The Seeker approached me in Kirkwall, explained the Inquisition had need of someone to lead its troops and I accepted. I wouldn't be a very good Commander if I complained about having willingly put myself in charge."

"That wouldn't exactly inspire the most confidence," Shai agreed. Cullen offered a small smile but his features grew grave in the next instant. 

"I understand what you're saying because of...well because of what happened in Kirkwall. You know of the rebellion, of the carnage that ensued?" He waited for Shai to nod before continuing. "I was there through all of it. Myself and other Templars worked to restore order as best we could. I imagine you understand the destruction and chaos we were dealing with. I'll spare you the details but my point is, I know what it is being the person who has the mantle of leadership upon them. I was Knight-Captain and then Knight-Commander, a senior member of the Order. My duty was to my men, to ensure their survival, and also to the city. But I could have turned my back on Kirkwall and deemed it a lost cause. I can't say there would've been much blame placed on me if I had reacted in such a way. There was so much death and bloodshed...but nevertheless I knew what was at stake. And I felt responsible to fix it somehow, or at least do as much as I could. And--" Cullen broke off and chuckled regretfully. "I'm ranting. Forgive me, this probably isn't helping at all. What I meant to say was you're not alone, and I'm doing a rather poor job of it I'm afraid."

Shai couldn't do anything but offer a smile at the Commander's confession of misguided reassurance. The brandy was making it hard to think and she hadn't expected a full on backstory by coming to Cullen's office, though she fully appreciated his attempted waylaying of her fears.

And she appreciated him revealing so much to her. True, he'd only described a brief part in his history but she could read between the lines; he'd been an unwilling participant in a world gone mad just as she was now. 

"No...that helped. Thank you Cullen. We um we seem to have more in common than we would've thought."

"Being in the wrong place at the wrong time?" Cullen joked ruefully.

"Something like that. Maybe magnets for destruction would be more accurate."

"I would hope that does not hold true going forward. Kirkwall was enough for one lifetime. I daresay it would be too soon to experience a crisis like that again."

"Corypheus might give the Mage rebellion a run for its money," Shai said. "He seems determined to make all the fighting between Mages and Templars look like a paper cut next to what he's set on doing."

"I pray he doesn't succeed. I fear there would be no coming back from any of that." 

"I wonder if we'll ever reach a time where we can talk about something that doesn't end up circling back to what we're going to do about the crazy God-Magister," Shai murmured. "It would be nice to worry about normal things for a change."

"Normal things," Cullen said ruminatively. "Normal would be...nice for a change."

"Well then, here's to normal," Shai toasted, picking the decanter back up. "When all this is over, may we go back to how we were." 

"Exactly how we were?" Cullen questioned and Shai lowered the decanter. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Nothing, nothing at all. To normality reasserting itself." 

She frowned at him quizzically but nevertheless took a quick pull of brandy. She passed the decanter to Cullen. After he too partook, he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, clearing it of any lingering wetness. There was another cloak of silence, only more companionable. It was one a group might share around a campfire when they'd exhausted conversation for the moment and were simply enjoying the other's presence. 

But was that what she was doing? Was she enjoying just being close to Cullen for the time being, not speaking or fighting but just...existing? It was a tough concept for her to wrap her head around. They'd come far in their attitudes towards each other yet she felt like they hadn't moved at all sometimes. She supposed the latter was resulting from their shared inability to discuss the intimacies they'd shared. 

A part of her, a cautious part, wanted to leave that the way it was. They would co-exist in their different circles, only breaching the divide when the need called and they found each other alone again. It could work. But then there was the other part of her, the idealistic part, that would like to lay everything out on the table and just clear the air. The awkwardness would be gone, the timidity around one another would vanish.

They wouldn't be fully comfortable with each other straight off but it would come. It could even be nice having someone waiting for her when she returned from missions. And not someone just waiting to tumble her into bed but someone waiting to hear about how things went and how she was doing and let her unload all of her frustrations and worries and self doubts. It would be nice to wake up with someone and go to sleep with them, to worry for their well being and push to get home to Skyhold faster just to see them.

No, again not someone, Cullen. But it felt so sudden, like they hadn't had enough time together for her to be thinking this way. She didn't really know him and he didn't really know her, not well enough anyways. But that could easily be remedied. It wasn't hard to get to know a person. But she had no idea how Cullen was feeling. The fact he hadn't kicked her out yet despite the late hour was a good sign but was it enough of a sign? 

 _Talk, talk, talk, talk_ , her mind chanted at her. Shai grimaced. She didn't know how to begin talking about the thoughts that were tying her stomach in knots. She couldn't just broach the subject and expect everything to go well. She wanted to groan. There was no headway being made. She felt solidly stuck in time and that she couldn't do anything about it. _You can though. Just talk to him. You're already this far, what's a confession added in_? 

"I need another drink," she mumbled.

"What?" Cullen asked. In response Shai took another swallow of brandy. The contents of the decanter were getting dangerously low and that was more thanks to her than a joint effort between she and Cullen. And when the last drop was drunk, their spontaneous night together would be over. 

"Think you can stomach another one, Commander?"

"I think if I indulge anymore I won't be much use to my men tomorrow."  

"Don't let me finish this all on my own." 

Cullen chuckled and sighed before reaching for the brandy. Shai took secret pleasure in the man she was watching go against his better judgement. Cullen was always, so ridiculously in control of himself. Except when he wasn't and she'd seen how wantonly he could abandon his better morals.    

"I suppose one more would be acceptable..." 

++++++++++

A half hour later they were both trying to catch their breath, their shoulders shaking with laughter, the brandy decanter finished with almost equal participation on both sides. Shai clutched her stomach, bending in half until her nose was touching her knees. She sure as hell couldn't think of why the terrible joke Cullen had just told was so funny but for some reason it was.

When she straightened she saw the Commander wasn't doing much better. He was flushed and a thin sheen of sweat had appeared on his forehead. But his eyes sparkled with mirth and his lips were pulled into a crooked smile. 

"Maker, I don't think I've laughed that hard since...since I don't know when."

"It felt good," Shai giggled. Cullen's smile stayed in place. 

"That it did. There's so much time spent being serious...it feels good to laugh, it feels--" 

"Normal?" 

"Normal," Cullen agreed. Shai fanned her heated cheeks vigorously. 

"I think I need some air. Its a little warm in here." 

"A walk then?" 

"A walk would be perfect." 

Their chairs scraped against the floor as they both got to their feet. When Shai started in a stumbling gait for the door that would let them out closest to the Herald's Rest, Cullen caught her arm and indicated the opposite way.

Together they exited the office onto the battlements, the moon bathing the stone in its pale light. No guards were in sight, a fortuitous arrangement for they were both a little unsteady on their feet. 

They walked in silence for a few minutes, heads slightly bowed, eyes focused anywhere but on each other. It was like the further they drew from the office the more distant they grew, like they were leaving a place where they could be themselves for one where they had to regress to their respective positions of Inquisitor and Commander. Shai dug her nails into her palm; she didn't want the night to end like this. 

They'd finally turned over a new leaf, broken down the walls of reserve that usually occupied the space between them. They couldn't let them go back up now. 

"Tell me about your family," she blurted in a vain attempt to revive the conversation.

"My family?" Cullen asked with no small tinge of surprise. "What do you want to know?"

"Where did you grow up?"

"A village called Honnleath. Its quite small, in the southwest region of Ferelden."

"I've never heard of it," Shai said softly. Cullen chuckled.

"I daresay you wouldn't have. It's no Ostwick, barely a speck on a map really."

"And you left it to go to the Templars?"

"When I was thirteen."

"That's...very young," Shai said with a frown. She drifted to the left unsteadily and Cullen reached out to gently guide her back into walking a straight line.   

"I was older still than some of the other recruits. Some Templars are pledged to the Order at infancy." 

"Sounds like a Circle," Shai grumbled. "At least for the Mages unlucky enough to show magic early on." When Cullen didn't respond right away she rushed to distract from her acknowledgement of their different backgrounds.

"Do you have any siblings?" 

"I do. One brother and two sisters." 

"Do you miss them?" Shai chanced a look at Cullen and saw a soft smile of reflection had stolen over his features.

"Of course. They may have been loud and annoying at times--my sisters were far too nosy for their own good--but I loved them. I don't write them as much as I should."

"They know you're here though?" Shai questioned. Cullen grimaced and shook his head.

"They know I'm with the Inquisition but not where I am specifically now, no." 

"Don't you think you should let them know?" Shai laughed awkwardly. She was in no place to give advice about family relations but it seemed odd that someone would not let their siblings know of their whereabouts, especially being on good terms with them. 

"I should, yes," Cullen murmured. "Mia has been trying to chase down a proper response from me. Apparently the ones I've been giving are not to her satisfaction."

"Is she older or younger?"

"She's the oldest," Cullen explained. "Then there's me, then Branson, and Rosalie is the youngest."

"Wow...a full house," Shai commented. Cullen gave a low laugh.

"Filled to bursting at times, I'm afraid. My parents certainly had their hands full. Between Branson's pranks, Mia and mine's incessant bickering, and Rosalie's temper tantrums when she didn't get her way--the curse of being the baby of the family--I daresay there wasn't much time for my mother and father to catch their breaths."

"You said you didn't write to your siblings as much as you should, do you not write to your parents much either?" Shai realized she'd put her foot in her mouth again when Cullen's mood changed palpably. She sensed rather than saw a darkening of his face, a somberness stealing over him.

"My parents died during the Blight."

"Fuck, I'm so sorry. Bloody hell, I wouldn't have asked if I'd known. Cullen I'm so sorry, that was so insensitive of me I--" 

"Its alright. You couldn't have had any way of knowing. Leliana may have a frightening amount of information collected on me but I'm assured it never becomes public knowledge. You were simply inquiring, no harm done." Cullen shrugged in deference, though the different set to his jaw was a subtle indicator he didn't wish to dwell on the subject of his parents. 

"Tell me about life in the Order," Shai suggested as a diversion. Cullen's head swiveled to look at her and he regarded her shrewdly. 

"You want to know what life is like being a Templar?" 

"Is that so hard to imagine?" 

"No...I suppose its not," Cullen began slowly. "But it wasn't exactly a question I ever expected to hear from you. Very well, what would you like to know?" 

"I'm not sure. What was a regular day like for you?" 

"You mean besides stalking the Mages in our care?" Cullen retorted drily and Shai cracked a meek smile at the joke, a light giggle escaping her. 

"Yes besides that."

"Well there were Harrowings to attend for one. I've been at a few in my time. They require a full guard, as you may already have known. Beyond that, it was mostly patrolling, maintaining a presence, assuring that nothing was out of place. We had to be ready to respond to a threat or crisis at a moment's notice. The Mages would pretend to ignore us but sneak glances when they thought we weren't looking. I suppose its a natural reaction to being guarded. I know I certainly observed them at times out of curiosity."

"Discover anything unusual? See any horns or forked tongues? Any tails sneaking out from robes?" Shai jested.

"No, nothing like that," Cullen snorted. "They were just going about their business same as we Templars were going about ours."

"Fancy that," Shai murmured.

"What would you do on a regular day?" 

"You want to hear about a Mage's private life do you, Knight-Captain?" Shai hiccuped as a bubble tasting of brandy found its way back up her throat. She mumbled a quick "excuse me" before thinking back to the time when everything still made sense. "Let's see...we'd study for one. Could never get enough of pouring over vast amounts of books cause that's about all there was to do. There'd be lectures by the Grand Enchanters, we'd spend time researching alchemy and different schools of magic..." Shai paused as she wracked her brain for what she'd done on a day to day basis during her time at Ostwick. It all seemed so long ago and to tell the truth, she'd suppressed most of her memories of her confinement; it wasn't a period she thought back on with fondness.

"To be honest, I'm lucky to be out," she finally said quietly. "I've never felt like I was losing my mind so acutely. Confined day in and day out, no new scenery until the day you die, no corresponding with family besides letters. Well, it wasn't like mine wanted to talk with me anyways, but you get the idea. I saw a great deal of Mages made tranquil for no reason or imprisoned for something they didn't do. There were a lot of lives destroyed."

Cullen didn't say anything right away. Their footsteps filled the air where their conversation had only seconds ago. Shai chewed on her bottom lip, a little regretful she'd allowed her lamenting to seep through into an otherwise amicable discussion. But it wasn't like it was anything Cullen hadn't heard before. He couldn't have been a Templar for all those years without hearing his charges bemoan their positions in life. And it wasn't like she'd been silent on the topic of Circles since she'd been with the Inquisition. 

"I'm sorry for what you might have endured." 

"What?!" Shai whipped around at the apology, convinced she hadn't heard right. 

"I said, I'm sorry for what you might have endured. I know not everyone agrees with the Circles, and I...I think I've come to see there are good reasons on both sides of the argument. I confess I haven't always treated Mages to the best of my ability. I've been biased for years. The rebellion in Kirkwall didn't exactly go towards changing my opinion much. But you...you're not evil. Stubborn and hard headed, yes, but not evil. And I do not believe most Mages are either...evil that is." 

"Am I hearing this right?" Shai asked bewildered. Cullen nodded, his expression serious. 

"I would not lie to you. I am sorry for how the Circles mistreated those they were supposed to be protecting. And I do not excuse those in the Order who partook int that mistreatment. I have treated Mages with distrust, at times without cause and it was unworthy of me. I railed against you when you wanted to speak to them about an alliance. I was so sure they were the wrong path to take...and look at what you've accomplished bringing them here--" 

"Where is all this coming from?" Shai interrupted, still at a loss. "You couldn't have just woken up this morning and decided to go back on every opinion you've ever had of Mages." 

Cullen exhaled with a shaky laugh. "No, you're right I didn't. I suppose its been a coming conjecture for some time. I'm far from being where I imagine you'd like me to be, but I'd like to think I'm not as stubborn as I feel sometimes, that I can acknowledge when I've been wrong about something. And...I've been wrong about you as well, perhaps from the start."

Shai blinked owlishly at the deep confession she was hearing, her heart hammering in her chest. This was so entirely not what she was expecting. They'd completely switched gears in a matter of seconds and she found herself woefully unprepared for the gravity of the moment.

She'd always been bad with feelings, never good at admitting her own, and she was confronted with listening to Cullen admit that he had been, not only wrong, but widely so in his opinions. And the brutal honesty radiating off him was suffocating; she detected no deceit, no lying for her benefit.

He was being absolutely, one hundred percent truthful...and she'd never felt more like running in her entire life. _Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking_. She wasn't the right person for him to bare himself to like this! She wasn't going to be able to give the right response or do the right thing that would ease them out of the confines of this moment and into the next. She was going to fuck it up with the next words she uttered and the moment was going to be ruined. 

Encouraging him to drink with her had been such a bad idea. She'd knocked him into honesty hour and-- _oh Maker, fuck_ \--he was looking at her with a sort of pleading, imploring her to believe him. She did though! She really did. _Say it then!_  

"I...I uh--" 

"You don't have to say you believe me," Cullen said, stepping in before she could finish her sentence. "I just wanted you to know. I wasn't looking for absolution or forgiveness, just...perhaps a mutual ground to stand on going forward?" He spoke the last part with a sheepish, tentative smile. It was at once endearing to Shai and she saw, just for a second, a glimpse of the blonde haired youth he'd been when he joined the Order; shy beyond belief, so eager to do his best... 

She blinked and turned away. It was either that or go to hug him; she magined pressing her head against his chest, inhaling his scent, slipping her arms around his waist, sighing as he embraced her...the impulse was so strong. It was the late hour, the alcohol, the close proximity to someone she was actually developing feelings for. The realization made her break out in goosebumps. She stared out over the battlements into the expanse of dark sky beyond. A few stars winked back at her.

The night was cloudless, as clear as she'd ever seen it. The moon rose high above Skyhold, just a crescent but still bright enough to illuminate patches of the fortress. Shai leaned against the rough edge of the battlements, keeping her back mostly to Cullen. She was afraid he'd read too much in her face. She always had been an open book, never able to conceal exactly what she was feeling.

"Its a lovely night," Cullen remarked softly from behind her. "Its times like these I wish I knew anything about the heavens. I've always thought it would be quite impressive to know the constellations and be able to make sense out of all that."

"Its really not that hard. One of my friends in the Ostwick Circle taught me a little about it." Shai turned to face Cullen once more, resting her back against the battlement edge. "See that star right there?" She pointed with her right index finger. "That connects to that one above it and then that one to the star next to it and--" 

As she leaned backwards to chart a path directly overhead, her body shifted off the battlement and found nothing but space where there had been solid stone. She didn't have time to scream or make a sound before she was falling into nothing, her right arm still stretched above her towards the stars. Her mouth opened on a silent cry and then she was yanked forcefully forward, slamming into a muscled chest. 

"Maker!" 

Shai's face compressed against Cullen as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, keeping them both balanced. Her right hand landed between his pectorals, the rapid thump of his heart pulsing against her palm. Her whole body tingled with a sudden rush of adrenaline and fear. Sweat gathered on her hands and feet and she closed her eyes briefly. Bloody hell, she'd almost fallen to her death.

"Maker's breath..." Cullen intoned from above her. His voice sounded muffled and she realized it was because he'd pressed his mouth to the top of her head. His heart still beat quickly between them, echoing the rapid rhythm of her own.

"S-s-scared were you?" Shai asked, pulling away slightly to look up. Her teeth started to chatter and she tried to offer a weak smile around the offending objects.

"Yes," Cullen stated plainly, staring down at her. Shai's face softened, drinking in the expression in Cullen's eyes with her own.

Shai started to reply with something witty, but her breath halted in her lungs when Cullen's head dipped ever so carefully towards her. She knew what he was going to do, knew that she should stop him and ask him if he was sure about any of this given their current level of intoxication, but she did nothing and remained silent. 

His lips swept against hers in the barest of brushes, so faint she almost didn't feel it. When she didn't retreat from the contact, his mouth met hers again, this time more confidently. His tongue swept hesitantly over her bottom lip and just as she opened for him, he stepped away, gaze aimed at the ground. The loss of his arms around her was almost like a physical blow and she stared stupidly at him. 

"Forgive me, that was...most inappropriate." He began talking so quickly his words jumbled together and poured out in convoluted knots. Shai shook her head trying to make sense of the apology she most surely did not want. _Kiss me again, damnit_ , she wanted to command him. _Kiss me again. I want you._

"Its-its alright."

"No, it isn't. I shouldn't have done that. I'm afraid I've had too much to drink."

He was taking a step backwards and away with every word he spat out, each footfall taking him closer to his office door, which he would surely retreat behind as hastily as he could. Shai, meanwhile, couldn't seem to unstick her tongue and halt his movements. _Damnit say something_! 

"Stop," Shai finally blurted. Instantly she was surprised at how quickly Cullen heeded her demand. His feet froze and he dared to look up at her, across the distance between them. "I don't want you to be sorry," she finished. "I don't want you to be sorry at all."

The dull roar of insanity filled her ears tenfold but Shai ignored it as best she could. This was either going to end very well or very badly but either way it was going to end. The brandy had given her enough of an edge that she felt fearless of consequences, or at least fearless at not heeding them.

"You...you don't?" Cullen stammered.

"No," Shai repeated. "I don't."

"Then...then what do you want me to be?"

"I want--" she stopped, undecided. "I want...you to..."

"Yes?" Cullen prompted lowly. Shai gritted her teeth, clenched her good hand into a fist, and closed her eyes. 

"I want you to kiss me again. Because...because I want you and I think its more of a physical want now, I want you because I--"

A pair of very familiar lips sealed back over her own while a pair of callused palms cupped her cheeks on either side. Shai moaned as she stepped closer to Cullen, her front melding to his, her good hand reaching to twine itself in his hair. In the next second he pulled away, just far enough so he could speak. 

"Because you what?" He asked very quietly, like he was afraid of the answer, his voice shaking. 

"Because I...I like you, Cullen."

"You do?"

"Yes," Shai snapped, cheeks heating because the Commander was now staring at her like she'd sprung a second head and she just knew this was a bad idea but did she listen to her conscience, nooooo she just went right on ahead because--

His mouth back upon hers cut off her train of thought. His thumbs stroked over her cheeks, the calluses upon them creating a pleasant friction against her skin. He pulled away again and Shai couldn't stop the huff of frustration that left her at the break of contact. If he was going to keep trying to carry on a conversation in the midst of kissing then--

"I like you too." A coherent confession, no stammering, no throat clearing, just four simple words that held all the gravity of the world in them.  

 


	33. Where a Man does not Retreat in the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween everyone >:)

It was starting to get worse; he recognized the signs of decline with the bitter wish they were ones of improvement instead. He'd been ignoring it steadily for the past couple weeks, the increase in fatigue, the headaches that never seemed to go away, the occasional blurring of vision (sometimes a complete loss for a couple, heart stopping seconds), the relentless craving that snuck up when he was least expecting it.

None of this came as a surprise to him, but an unwelcome truth he knew he would have to face sooner rather than later. He'd been doing alright in Haven, he'd been in control; some headaches, slight impairment, and the regular night terrors were all he had to contend with. Of course he knew that was because he'd still been relatively close to his last draught; the cool, blue liquid still had had some traces left in his blood, and those traces had been holding him over. But every day he was growing further and further away from having any of those left. 

He'd been to see Adan as frequently as he could without raising suspicion. "Couldn't sleep," he would say with a sheepish smile if anyone bothered to inquire about his constant presence in the apothecary's quarters. And then he would slip the small, white bottle filled with extract of Maker knew what--he only knew it helped--into the safety of his pockets and beat a hasty, yet controlled retreat to his office. 

There behind closed doors he would pop the cork on the bottle and swallow half of it as quickly as possible, sometimes choking on the liquid as it slid down his throat. It was a bitter-sweet tonic, not something one would savor the taste of, yet it did not make him gag or feel sick to his stomach; that was a blessing in and of itself. Sometimes he would grimace at the grim reminder that he seemed to be trading one vice for another; lyrium wasn't a vice for him though, it had been a way of life. 

He'd been to see the Seeker on one of his worse days, just a casual conversation, his eyes looking for her reaction to his current state. He'd been a little too pale perhaps, his skin a little too sallow. He'd been convinced he'd passed Cassandra's scrutiny for the most part. She'd asked if he was getting enough sleep, noticed the purple circles under his eyes, asked if he was over-working himself, eating enough. 

He'd smiled shakily, admitted that no he didn't always retire on time, sometimes he would burn through multiple candles just trying to make a dent in the paperwork covering his desk. And yes, sometimes he forgot to excuse himself from his office to venture to the kitchens or the great hall and indulge in some food. The Seeker hadn't looked pleased at that confession, said the last thing the Inquisition needed was for him to keel over.

He'd excused himself abruptly, promising to do better, knowing she wasn't believing any of it. Truth be told he had been on the cusp of confessing a lot more to her. He had been close to blurting out that sometimes he thought he was going mad, that he was starting to hear a whisper of voices he knew weren't there. He'd been nearly about to recount all his trips to Adan, how the elixirs only held him over until he could get his hands on the next one, how he was afraid they'd stop being effective soon.

He'd been about to lay bare his deepest fears that he was starting to lose control, that soon he would have to step down, that he wouldn't be able to be the person the Inquisition needed him to be. But instead he'd bitten his tongue--painfully hard--and kept his secrets. There would be time for that later, of that he had no doubt. He saw himself returning to the Seeker at a later date, only this time he'd be tripping over himself trying to get everything out, trying to rid himself of the burden that was so heavy to carry on his own.

He'd be articulating the way sweats and shakes would course over him some nights then give way to relentless waves of nausea. He'd detail that there was nothing he could do to stop the pounding in his head in those instances, except to bring his knees to his chest and endure, squeezing his eyes shut and praying for it to end. 

Because in the end he knew he would need someone he could trust to watch him, to make sure he remained in command only as long as he remained competent; the Seeker would understand, he could trust her to make the decision. When the time came...he would dutifully ask her for her help. Until then, he would suffer behind closed doors.

A knock begging entrance to his office sounded and Cullen jerked. He'd been staring dazedly at the open inkwell, lost to reverie, oddly fascinated with the darkness of the liquid inside. 

"Enter," he said but it sounded strangled. He coughed and ran his tongue over his lips. "Enter," he called again, stronger. The door opened. Cullen's eyebrows raised at Cordelia Trevelyan's sudden appearance. She held the skirts of her deep blue dress with aristocratic fingers as one slipper clad foot stepped over the threshold into his office, followed quickly by its twin.

"Lady Cordelia," he greeted, careful to keep his voice schooled into polite inquiry. "What can I do for you?"

"Commander," Cordelia responded with a nod. "I hope you're doing well today?"

"Fine thank you. And yourself?"

Cordelia waved a hand daintily about. "I can hardly complain. All this mountain air is so,"--she stopped to take a theatric inhale, which surely brought scents from his office and not the Frostbacks--"invigorating," she finished with a smile. He stretched his mouth into an imitation of her own, though it felt frozen on his face.

"That it is. It certainly can put a spring in one's step."

"Hmmm quite." The matriarch of House Trevelyan seemed disinclined to say anything else and instead her intense eyes scoured her surroundings. Instantly Cullen sat up a little straighter, skin prickling with awareness at the inspection. 

"Is there something you needed?" He asked again, shifting in his chair. Cordelia's gaze snapped to his and she smiled, her canines seeming unnaturally sharp. 

"There is something I'd like to discuss with you, Commander, if you have the time of course?" 

_No, I don't have the time and I'd very much like you to leave_ , he thought but what came out of his mouth was, "Of course." 

Cordelia perched on the chair across from his desk and folded her hands in her lap. Her body leaned gracefully to the side as she crossed her ankles beneath her skirts. She gave another smile, this one close lipped and smooth, seeming to say, "to business then."  

"I don't know if you're aware of my...history with my daughter," Cordelia began and Cullen stopped the flinch that was working its way through his limbs. "We haven't always been on the best of terms," she continued with a small shrug of her shoulders. "Things fell apart between us when Shailene was...sent to the Circles for her protection." 

_Why is she telling me this?_  Cullen said nothing, indicating only with his head that she continue. Cordelia sighed deeply, her face arranging itself in a pained expression. 

"I'll admit that my coming here unannounced was not the best thing I could have done to help repair things between my daughter and I. She was not--is not--happy to see me and as much as it hurts, I understand her resentment. At the time her...abilities surfaced, her father and I were fearful of what she might do to others as well as to herself. I'm sure a man such as yourself, with your background, can understand our worries. Nevertheless, we acted on our fear. We mutually agreed to send her away, to...imprison her in the Circles. We were far too concerned with the 'what ifs' and not trusting our daughter the way we should have."  

Cullen nodded ruminatively, his face giving nothing away. He certainly couldn't say he was inclined to believe an ounce of what Cordelia was saying. He may never have heard from Shai first hand what occurred in her childhood, but he'd been given enough clues and glimpses into how her parents had treated her. And while he was in no position to judge given the destruction he'd overseen in the Order, he couldn't help wanting to curl his lip into a rebuking snarl at Cordelia's words. House Trevelyan's matriarch sighed again. 

"I do so want to repair our relationship. It haunts me being so close to my daughter yet unable to do anything to bridge the divide between us. Shailene seems to think I'm here for some ulterior motive,"--Cordelia waved her hand dismissively,--"but I assure you I've come to the Inquisition with only the purest intent." She fell silent and gestured with palms up, supplicating and pleading. 

"If I may be so bold," Cullen began haltingly. He was trying to think of how Josephine would handle this particular situation. "Why exactly are you entrusting me with this information? I can advise that our Ambassador might be better...equipped to handle a troubled situation such as the one you um find yourself in." _There, that sounded alright_.

"Better equipped than you?" Cordelia inquired with a strange lilt to her voice, almost like she was...laughing at him. Cullen tensed. 

"I uh I'm not so...familiar with the Inquisitor that I would feel comfortable broaching a topic such as--"

"You don't have to play coy with me, Commander," Cordelia interrupted, her eyes dancing. 

"I'm sorry?" Cullen asked, wickedly proud he kept himself from stuttering or choking on the words. Trepidation started to itch its way throughout his body. 

"Your secrets safe, I assure you," she teased with a quick wink. Cullen's heart skipped a beat and his palms grew sweaty. Whatever secret Shai's mother thought she had, it couldn't be anything good. 

"Its interesting the things you see Commander, when you feel the need for fresh air before retiring and fancy a walk of the grounds. Its _very_ interesting."   


Cullen's blood ran cold and he felt dangerously light headed for a second. She couldn't be referring to what he thought she was. She couldn't be...he opened his mouth to respond and no sound came out. His teeth clicked together softly as he closed his lips, swallowed, and tried again. 

"What?" He asked hoarsely, his voice cracking on the single syllable. Cordelia tutted and leaned forward to extend an arm across his desk, patting the back of his hand. He was too dazed to pull away from the unexpected--and unwanted--contact.  

"Its alright, I'm not going to say anything. Young love is so...adorable to watch happen. I remember when I was your age," she reminisced with another wink. "It was quite by accident that I looked up and happened to see you and my daughter together at that exact instant. Had I waited another minute longer or looked a minute earlier, I would've missed that kiss." 

Cullen hoped the floor would open up and swallow him whole. This could not be happening...this could not be happening! Maker, Leliana had warned him to be careful, that a discovery like this would compromise the Inquisition's integrity. And he'd blown her off for inserting herself into his business, been irritated at her advice and here it was coming true with the worst possible person. 

He hadn't been in close contact with Cordelia Trevelyan since she'd arrived at Skyhold, but he had no doubt she ran in the same circles as all those other gossip hungry nobles, endlessly entertained with their Game. What would happen if she decided to try and elevate herself some more? Discuss details of her daughter's private life and then--he swallowed audibly. _Blessed hell_...his stomach cramped painfully.  

"I...I..." His words wouldn't come, his mind unable to form proper sentences. He was sitting there gaping and stammering like some dumbstruck bullfrog, just opening and closing his mouth.

"Breathe Commander," Cordelia entreated with another hand pat. "I meant what I said. I have no interest in discussing this with anyone else. As I was telling you earlier, I want to mend fences with my daughter, not build more between us. Delving into her private affairs would most certainly earn me her undying distrust, even more so than I have now. Dear me, I've gone about this all wrong," she fretted, withdrawing her hand to twist her fingers together restlessly. "I didn't mean to startle you, I simply wanted to provide a reason as to why I was coming to you about my affairs. I apologize, my intention was not to sow discomfort." 

Cullen finally got his motor skills under control and rigidly nodded, the loud echo of his pulse fading from his ringing eardrums. She wasn't going to expose them...Maker, she wasn't going to expose them. He tried to return his breathing to normal, exhaling the breath he'd held unconsciously. His stomach unclenched itself, the soft organ smoothing itself. She wasn't going to expose them...

"May I...may I ask what you were trying to inquire of me...before?" Cullen asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. Cordelia smiled nervously, dropping her gaze to her clasped hands. She looked bashful, an expression he wouldn't have ever guessed she knew how to convey. 

"Given your current involvement with my daughter, I was hoping you might intercede on my behalf. Speak to her and let her know I'm not the monster she believes me to be." 

Cullen blinked, stunned. "Lady Trevelyan I--I can assure you that whatever my current involvement is with your...with your daughter, I would not feel...comfortable bringing such a subject up." 

Instead of the disapproval or anger he expected at his balking, Cordelia only nodded politely, a small, almost sad smile adorning her mouth.  "Very well, Commander. If you'd just do me the small favor of considering it? It would mean a lot to me, but I thank you for your time and--"

She was interrupted by the first bugle sounding; _riders spotted_ , he thought casually, then, _she's home_. Cordelia paused, her features screwing up then straightening out as she came to the same conclusion. 

"I expect that will be my daughter," she said softly as the second bugle blast sailed through the air; _riders crossing the bridge_. Cullen watched her rise from her chair, smoothing the back of her skirts. He felt he should see her out but Cordelia waved him to stay put when he started to push his chair back. 

"Again, I want to thank you Commander. And you have nothing to fear." 

With those final words Cordelia departed his office and Cullen slumped in his chair. He scrubbed both hands vigorously over his face, his stubble rasping profusely. Maker's breath...he'd never felt more like a dying man than he had during that conversation. Shai's mother--her _mother_ \--had seen them kissing. _Bloody hell_...he bushed the deep crimson he'd been suppressing thus far. That was not, in any way, shape, or form, how he had ever-- _ever_ \--pictured a conversation with Cordelia going.  

He was lucky, _they_ were lucky. That had had all the potential to go a completely different direction. His and Shai's relationship--he still couldn't believe that's what was happening-- was still private, if not particularly safe with a third party involved now. And not just any third party either. Should he...should he tell Shai of the conversation? Let her know what had happened? 

She'd be angry, livid actually. Livid enough she would probably confront Cordelia. And hopefully it would occur in private and not in the middle of Skyhold for all to hear.  He knew Shai's temper burned as hot and fierce as the fire spells she cast; he'd been on the receiving end of it more than once. He didn't exactly _like_ Cordelia, but her plea had sounded, well, heartfelt at the very least. 

Still, he couldn't reconcile the suspicion that she had caused some terrible things to befall Shai. But then again, hadn't he also caused some terrible things to befall Mages out of the same fear Cordelia had claimed she had operated under? But he hardly knew enough to play the middle man in this situation. And he couldn't bring anything up without knowing the full story from Shai. Plus he didn't really have any business interfering like that when--

His office door that had been closed behind Cordelia now opened again and this time it was the younger Trevelyan appearing on the threshold. Cullen started to his feet, knocking his chair backwards with a loud grating noise. 

"In-Inquisitor!" He welcomed a bit too loudly. He winced at his guilty tone; _you've done nothing wrong by having a conversation with the woman._  Shai stepped into his office, the daylight coming in from behind her temporarily casting her form in shadow. She gestured slowly with her thumb pointed over her shoulder, head cocked quizzically to one side.  

"My mother...why was she just in here?" 

"Oh, right um she um--" Cullen struggled to contrive a convincing lie on the spot. He was painfully aware that the longer he took to come up with something the more suspicious Shai would probably grow. "She uh was asking about whether she could be of any help with the Winter Palace." 

Shai stepped further into his office, the shadows clearing from her face to reveal raised brows. "How could she be of help with the Winter Palace?' 

_Oh for the love of_ \--Cullen wanted to kick himself as he stalled again. "She uh she was...suggesting that perhaps her...connections could help us--"

"Obtain an invitation faster?" Shai finished for him, blowing a puff of air out. Cullen stopped himself from nodding eagerly, thankful she'd helped him out unknowingly. 

"Yes that was it exactly." 

"Figures," Shai grumbled and ran a hand through her hair. "Of course she wants to look like she's helping."

As her fingers swept through her tresses, Cullen noticed her locks were freed from the leather thong she normally kept them restrained with. Her hair fell in a natural curl pattern to just below her shoulders, windswept from the ride on horseback. Her cheeks were subtly flushed and his chest seized with how pretty she looked fresh from the road. 

"What did you say to her?" Shai asked, bringing him back into the moment. Cullen reached for the back of his neck, his fingers sliding slowly over his skin as he once again formulated a lie. 

"I uh told her that was more Josephine's area of expertise. She uh...she thanked me and then she left."   


"That's all?" 

"That's all," Cullen assured, breathing a small sigh of relief the interrogation was over. 

"Well alright then," Shai exhaled, rolling her shoulders in a stretch. Cullen observed the metal brace that was now a permanent part of any armor she wore; Harritt and Dagna had put their minds together to come up with a sort of splint that would stabilize Shai's arm should the mark react violently again. He had to admit it looked much heavier than anything a Mage should be wearing; a full arm encasing, steel contraption of a gauntlet (with no palm), vambrace, couter, and pauldron, all secured with leather straps. 

But Shai looked as if it were light as any feather and maybe it was; Dagna was--reportedly--a bit of a genius and he knew Harritt was worth his weight in gold. Either way, he was just glad Shai would be spared any future bone breaks, at least where her left arm was concerned. 

"How was,"--Cullen cleared his throat,--"how was Crestwood?" 

"Oh...right," Shai said distractedly. He would bet all his worldly possession she was trying to puzzle out whether an invitation to the Winter Palace was all Cordelia had been after. "It was wet. Wet and cold and slimy." 

"Slimy?" Cullen asked, surprised at that adjective. 

"Yeah," Shai continued, scrunching her nose. "You know, cause of all the undead?" 

"Oh right, of course. I read that in Leliana's missive. Well not her missive, yours that you sent back but she had it so she showed it to me..." he trailed off; he was babbling.  

They fell silent and Cullen made a small noise of discontent in the back of his throat. He wanted to kiss her again, welcome her home properly. He'd missed her for the time she'd had to return to Crestwood. He hadn't been able to see her much after their night on the battlements; his work got in the way and Shai--as well as her other companions--were busy being trained by class specialists summoned to Skyhold by Josephine. 

By the time Cullen had finally found enough time to slip away from his desk and seek out the Inquisitor, she'd been packing to make the long, return trek to Crestwood and he hadn't wanted to disturb her. Hence, this was the first time they'd really come face to face since that night. Butterflies fluttered uncomfortably in his stomach and he swallowed with a throat gone dry. 

Shai wasn't looking directly at him, rather she was fixated by points around him but never exactly _on_ him. He wanted her to meet his gaze, wanted to see if he could read in her expression the same longing he felt might be in his. He'd relived the night on the battlements every night laying in his bed. He'd felt warmed from the inside out remembering her asking for him to kiss her, remembering how she'd melded herself to him when he finally grew brave enough to keep his mouth against hers for an extended time, remembering--most importantly--how she'd admitted she was feeling the same way about him as he was about her. 

Maker, he still couldn't believe it. It felt surreal that his affections were coming back to him, that Shai _was_ returning them. He'd thought her indifferent, assumed she didn't care. And to have those suspicions dashed was freeing. 

"You look good," he said softly, saying _damn it_ to his forwardness. Shai jerked her eyes to his--finally--the pale, green orbs sporting amusement at his comment. 

"Who knew Crestwood could be so beneficial," she joked and Cullen cracked a smile at the jest. She took another step towards him. 

"I'm--it's--" she stopped for a second then plunged ahead. "Its good to see you." 

"Its good to see you too," Cullen spit out quickly. "I mean, its good to see you unharmed." He bit his lip and closed his eyes briefly. _Maker's breath_. He had all the finesse of a rock. He knew there was a proper way to do this meeting and he was so far from it, it wasn't even funny. Thankfully Shai was still giving him an audience; she hadn't dismissed him as an incompetent fool yet. 

"How have things been? At Skyhold, I mean."

_Not the same without you_. "Good," Cullen said. "They've been good. Everything's coming along. Repairs are going smoothly, the troops are getting better each day, there haven't been any fights between the Mages and what Templars we have...it's been quiet." 

"Quiet is nice after what we've been dealing with," Shai declared lowly, a grin tugging one side of her mouth up. She came closer to him still, tilting her head back to accommodate the difference in their heights. "Fucking corpses crawling around everywhere, red Templars trying to kill--"

"They were there?" Cullen interrupted with a frown. Shai shrugged as if to say "what can you do?" 

"We ran into a small group of them. They'd set up camp between some hills but nothing we couldn't handle. Those ones with the bloody lyrium blades for hands? Nightmare to kill." 

"I would imagine," Cullen agreed wholeheartedly. He didn't remember seeing creatures like that during the assault on Haven but he didn't doubt they existed; he was starting to get to the point where nothing was really unbelievable anymore. "No serious injuries this time then?" 

"No more than the usual cuts and bruises," she answered. She was standing near enough that when he went to take a breath, he caught her scent wafting towards him. He had the urge to reach out and take a strand of hair between his fingers, pull one of her curls gently just to watch it spring back into shape. He'd never seen her hair down before and it changed her appearance; her eyes seemed larger, wide and innocent and she looked almost girlish, though he knew she wasn't very old to begin with.

He'd never asked her her age but he had read the collected reports on Shai and she was six years his junior, a tender twenty-four. _Still so young to have seen so much_ , he'd thought but then again his thirty years wasn't very far along either for what he'd endured. His eyes unconsciously traced the spattering of freckles dancing across the bridge of her nose, noting how they'd grown more pronounced due to all the time she spent in the sun.

He scouted for any new scars cutting through the planes of her face, feeling a small surge of pleasure that he could identify old marks versus new ones. But his eyes picked out nothing fresh on her skin besides the temporary layer of grime travel brought with it. He wasn't aware he was staring uncomfortably until she cleared her throat and peered up at him with concern. 

"Are you alright? You look a bit...unwell." 

"I do?" Cullen asked automatically. He didn't feel unwell in this moment. Maybe a bit tired and definitely hungry but not unwell. Today was one of his good days, truth be told. He hadn't woken with the remnants of a nightmare still gripping him and his body had mercifully foregone having an episode of cold sweats. He hadn't felt nauseated thinking about eating something and when his vision had blurred in the day it was only because he was going cross eyed at the multiple lines of cramped handwriting he'd been reading. He'd also only thought about the small, oak box that contained his former leash to the Chantry a few times. Yes, definitely a good day. 

"You look kinda pale," Shai commented quietly, the skin between her brows forming small wrinkles. Her eyes narrowed in concentration as she took the time to peruse his face and Cullen shifted uncomfortably at the assessment of his health. She was, undoubtedly, the last person he wanted having any inclination of the silent battle he was fighting. He wouldn't be able to look her in the eye if she knew the things plaguing him; he wouldn't be able to bear seeing the disappointment as he watched her realize he wasn't the man she would want.   

"I'm fine," he coughed, taking the time to step away from her and retreat behind his desk. He busied his hands with re-arranging stacks of papers, his ink well, a stack of books and scrolls, all to hide the nervous tremors making his fingers twitch. He was in the middle of situating everything at a precise angle when Shai's hand on his arm stopped him cold; he swore her touch burned through the steel of his bracers.

"Are you sure?"

Cullen stilled, withdrawing his hands to his sides, reflexively clenching them into fists. He hadn't meant to react like that to her questions, to clearly be avoiding answering them. And in such an anal way as to situate everything within his reach until it was perfect. If there was anything that demonstrated a down spiral in control, it was what he'd just done.  _Relax, she only asked if you were alright. You can answer that. You can tell her you're okay_. 

"Sorry," Cullen said with an embarrassed smile. He chuckled awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair, doing his best to let the gathered tension leave his body. "I'm afraid its been a rather long couple of days for me. I'm uh a little more tired than usual and I haven't been sleeping as well as I should."

Shai's brow smoothed and she drew her bottom lip between her teeth, moving her hand to cover his and give it a squeeze. "You shouldn't over exert yourself, its...its not good for you."

He smothered the smile that threatened to break across his face like the sun breaking across the land at dawn.  _She cares...she cares. Of course she cares, didn't she just say she did the other night?_  

"No it isn't. I'll try to take my health into consideration more often. Maker knows the Seeker has lectured me over my work habits often enough and I don't wish to hear anymore of it." 

Shai's head snapped up at his comment and her eyes sparked with repressed laughter. "You're afraid of Cassandra?"

Cullen snorted good-humoredly and shook his head. "Of course not."

"Are you sure?" Shai needled, her voice teasing. Cullen nodded emphatically.

"As positive as I've ever been. Cassandra can be...a bit intimidating but I'm by no means 'afraid' of her." He hoped he sounded more convincing than he thought he did. If he was being honest, he fancied a show down with the Seeker as much as he fancied being impaled by a sword. She was a force to be reckoned with at the best of times; her ire was an entirely different tempest and it was a hard one to escape once you were in its sights.

Shai seemed to accept his lie--he was sure she wasn't calling his bluff out of politeness--and they grinned at each other in mutual understanding. Cullen's was the first to falter as he once more looked at her for an extended period of time. They'd gotten through the preliminaries of her homecoming, but he hadn't yet done what he so wished to do, which was take her and kiss her deeply until they were both gasping for air. He ran his tongue over his lips and itched awkwardly at the back of his neck. Shai's eyes tracked his movements and she raised a brow. 

"Card games must be hard for you," she commented. 

"Why's that?" Cullen asked, confused at the random subject change. 

"You uh you always do that," she explained, inclining her head at the hand still scratching the back of his neck. "You do it a lot."

Cullen chuckled and dropped his arm back to his side. "Force of habit I'm afraid. But perhaps that's why I prefer chess, its harder to give away what you're thinking."

"I wouldn't know, I've never played."

"You haven't?" He asked in mild surprise. "I uh, well, I could show you some time? That is, if you'd like me to...?"

"It could be fun," she agreed. "I doubt I'll be much of an opponent."

"That's okay," Cullen rushed to assure her. "I won't go too hard on you the first time. You seem smart--I mean you look smart--I mean you _are_ smart! It shouldn't take you long to grasp the concept," he finished meekly, wanting to drag his hand down his face in annoyance at his own incompetence. Shai snorted at his graceless blunder.

"Well I can't promise anything, but I'll try my best."

"It's better than what Dorian does. I swear the man would cheat even playing against the Divine herself." 

"You've been playing with Dorian?" 

"Just a few times, mainly because he's been bored since he didn't accompany you to Crestwood. He ambushed me on my way to a meeting and requested a game. Truth be told I don't know how he knew I played." 

"Dorian is a little more perceptive than we give him credit for, I think," Shai said drily.  

"He is, though something tells me he doesn't need to hear that compliment." 

"I daresay he doesn't need to hear anymore compliments or he might burst from inflation," Shai laughed, though the affection she held for the Tevinter Mage was clear in her tone; she, Rhys, and Dorian had become a familiar trio seen about Skyhold, whether they were practicing spells together, eating, or simply passing the time. Cullen chuckled. 

"I daresay that's an accurate observation." 

They smiled at each other in unison, the earlier nerves that had cloaked them both melting away. Their gazes locked and the smiles dropped slowly from their faces as a wave of heat burned steadily into life between them. Shai's eyes skated unconsciously from Cullen's own pair to his nose and then to his lips. Her pupils unfocused, taking on a hazy quality. His own were doing the same as they perused her features, coming to rest on her lips, watching her draw the bottom one between her teeth again.

He leaned in--barely--and waited with baited breath for her reaction. Shai swayed towards him, eyelids starting to droop closed in anticipation. His office dimmed as Cullen's lashes fluttered to a close, his pulse beating loudly in his ears, his skin prickling with heightened awareness. His hands reached for her waist, seeking to settle themselves on the softness of her curves. 

"Commander?"--one of Cullen's office doors banged open--"You wanted a copy of sister Leliana's reports."

Cullen and Shai jerked apart guiltily, the former trying to adopt a look of complete casualness and failing. Shai herself was staring a hole through the ground, one hand shooting up to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. 

"What?" Cullen barked at the Inquisition scout who had entered without knocking. _Jason? James? Jack? Jim? Yes... Jim_. 

"Sister Leliana's report. You wanted it delivered 'without delay,' " Jim reminded, a writing tablet balanced in the crook of one arm. Cullen's brows slammed into a frown and he took a step past Shai who hadn't even bothered to glance up yet. Jim was looking pointedly at him, waiting to be relieved of the tablet, but all at once seemed to realize there was more than just he and the Commander in the room.

Jim's eyes widened slightly as he took in the Inquisitor and Cullen cursed mentally at their current situation. Twice in one day they'd been found out...things were not looking good. Jim kept doing rapid takes from Shai to Cullen and back again. Cullen narrowed his eyes and squared his shoulders, severe irritation etching itself into his features. 

"Oh..." Jim stammered and took a faltering step backward. "Uh...to your desk then...I'll uh just leave it there...right." He set the tablet precariously on the edge of Cullen's desk, not sticking around long enough to assure it was balanced more squarely on the wood. He backed away, retreating the way someone might after stumbling upon a sleeping bear. Cullen's office door opened and closed in rapid succession, followed by the sound of running footsteps against stone. Cullen's shoulders relaxed inch by inch and he nodded shortly at the scout's departure, assured the man wouldn't be back anytime soon. 

"If you need to--" 

He whirled and cut Shai off, his mouth crashing into hers. She stumbled backwards, unprepared as she was for the onslaught, and Cullen steadied her with a hand on the small of her back. Maker, but he'd wanted to do that since she'd first walked into his office. But wait...had that been too fast too soon? The thought made him break the kiss, although he didn't withdraw away from her entirely. 

"I--" he tried to begin yet another apology when Shai captured his lips again with hers, her left hand sliding up to plant itself in the middle of his cuirass while her right curled around the nape of his neck. Heat surged through him at the re-connection and he slipped his other arm around her, at once loving the feel of her in his arms, their fronts aligned as closely as their armor allowed. His cuirass clinked sharply against her chest plate and she snickered at the noise. 

"I don't think armor was made bearing things like this in mind," she murmured, their mouths only inches apart; her breath fanned warmly over his skin.

"I believe we can make do," he mumbled softly before swooping back in for another kiss, unable to stop the small groan that came when Shai's mouth opened beneath his and he got to _taste_ her. He couldn't explain these new feelings he was discovering; moreover he didn't want to. He just wanted to _feel_ them; he wanted to feel them in connection with _her_.  

Cullen leaned away just enough to bring his hand to his mouth and snare the fingers of his glove between his teeth. Shai's eyes were heavy and content, barely open as she watched him. He removed the leather, letting the glove drop to the floor before doing the same to the other hand. When his skin was bared, he brought his palms to Shai's cheeks, cradling the softness of her face, regretting that his calluses were probably so rough against her flesh.

Either she didn't notice or she didn't care, for she pursed her mouth in reception, her lashes laying dark against the tops of her cheekbones. Cullen took a deep breath, his heart hammering, his insides dancing, and picked back up where he'd left off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Jim finally makes his appearance. Oh Jim...


	34. No One is Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear god I hope this chapter is decent, I've been working on it all day and my eyes feel like they're crossing so hopefully this isn't bad O.o

"Is this--I'm sorry, but is this absolutely necessary?" 

Shai shifted uncomfortably, trying to dislodge the dull ache of pain that had settled into her lower back. She had two hours of standing stock still in one place to thank for that and her muscles gave an angry spasm as if in response to her thoughts _._  

"Mademoiselle, s'il vous plaît, you must be still! I cannot work under such conditions as you moving about!" The painter summoned all the way from Orlais reprimanded her sternly, daring to lean out from behind his enormous canvas on which he was illustrating her likeness. He held a paint brush expertly between the index finger and thumb of his right hand, silver paint covering the tip of the brush. 

Shai made a face but nevertheless schooled her posture back into the form the painter had positioned her in initially. She had the spiteful urge to completely change the direction she was facing, but didn't wish to bring hell down on her head from not only the painter but the Ambassador as well. Josephine had--regretfully so in Shai's opinion--decided that it was only proper they commission a portrait of the Inquisitor. Neither Cullen nor Leliana had cared much about the request, distractedly mumbling their assents and leaving Shai glaring at them both over what very much felt like betrayal.

She'd been hoping both Spymaster and Commander--especially the latter--would veto Josephine's idea due to the unnecessary costs it would cause the Inquisition's coffers. But here she was, holding the new Inquisitor's helm Harrit had crafted for her, dressed in full armor that still reeked of the Fallow Mire; the missing soldiers and Avaar threat had required immediate attention even though Shai and her team had barely been returned from Crestwood's soggy countryside. 

A soft clink of china on wood heralded Josephine setting down her teacup and rising from behind her desk. The Ambassador had requested the portrait be done in her office, better lighting or something like that. Shai knew it was really for her own supervision; Josephine clearly didn't trust that Shai would remain placid for the duration of the painting and Shai had to agree that the Ambassador's suspicions were well founded.

Were it just her and the Orlesian painter, she probably would have fade stepped right out the door. Shai watched Josephine circle to behind the painter, jerking her head back to where it had been at a few sharp words from the Orlesian man. She observed the Ambassador narrowly from the corner of her eye after that, not wanting to induce another harsh rebuke. Josephine's face split into a wide grin and she clasped her hands together excitedly. 

"Marvelous Monsieur Dubois, it looks simply marvelous!" 

Dubois scoffed mightily for a man of such small stature; he was rather bird like in appearance. "I would hardly expect ze Inquisition to pick a _novice_ artist for such an important task as zees one!" 

Josephine smiled placatingly and Shai wondered (not for the first time) the secret behind how the Ambassador kept her amicable facade so firmly in place."Indeed that is exactly why the Inquisition sought your services. Again I must convey our deepest thanks that you took time out of what I'm sure is such a busy schedule to come to Skyhold."

"Bagh!" Dubois waved the hand holding his paint brush in a circular motion. "To paint ze great Inquisitor was an honor I could hardly pass up!"

Shai rolled her eyes, her head turned at enough of an angle that the response probably went unnoticed. At least from Dubois it did; Josephine cleared her throat in a way that meant it had been observed by at least one party in the room. Really, the whole life-like portrait felt so pompous and ridiculous. Only Kings and Queens or Emperors and Empresses did that sort of thing.

Shai understood Josephine was only trying to improve the Inquisition's appearance to any visiting dignitaries, but didn't have the foggiest idea how her painted picture could do that. The door to Josephine's office opened, drawing the attention of everyone save Dubois. The Orlesian decreed Shai's "insulting lack of cooperation" and she in turn ignored his follow up remark about her "difficult nature." The man was dangerously close to her telling him where he could stick his false sense of self-importance.

"I uh I'm sorry Ambassador. I didn't mean to intrude," Cullen said as he remained in the doorway, empty hands dangling loosely at his sides like he didn't quite know what to do with them. Shai couldn't have stopped the slow smile that swept over her mouth nor the warmth that blossomed in her chest if she'd tried. She should be used to seeing the Commander by now, his appearance anywhere shouldn't spawn butterflies in her stomach. But it did and she felt giddy whenever they shared the same space.

"Its quite alright Commander. Please do come in. Monsieur Dubois has been doing a fabulous job," Josephine stated, sweeping an arm back behind her towards the Orlesian and his giant canvas. Cullen opened his mouth, clearly wanting to decline the offer, but shut it and came further into the Ambassador's office. His eyes shifted to Shai as soon as Josephine had her back turned, the gold of them glinting warmly at her across the space between them.

She'd been floating on air since he'd kissed her again after her return from Crestwood. Thinking about the absolute incredulousness of their situation stupefied her; if anyone had told her she'd be carrying on an affair with the Commander half a year ago, she would have died from laughter. The animosity that used to muddy--no, blacken--the waters between them had fled as swiftly as cockroaches from the light.

And in its place was a slow burning heat, made all the more prolific by the need for them to keep matters between them private. Shai didn't want to think too far into the future about eventually having to go public with their mutual affection. For Maker's sake they hadn't even talked about _what_ they were doing. The awkward "feelings" conversation was being held at bay by their shared awkwardness in broaching the subject.

For now they both seemed content with stolen kisses and longing glances, hopefully hidden well enough from prying eyes. Still, she wasn't able to ignore the elevated mood she'd been exposed to. It was like as soon as she caught a glimpse of Cullen, whatever storm clouds were over her head started to dissipate. Not even the fact that her mother had become fast friends with Vivienne, snippets of their conversations filtering down from the first enchanter's balcony when they visited, could permanently twist her gut into unrest.

It had made her grind her teeth in annoyance initially, but as she was stewing in her intense dislike for the new duo, Cullen had brushed by her where she stood in the great hall, managing to drag his fingers discreetly across the back of her hand. Any negativity she was feeling had disappeared instantly in that moment, replaced by a stupid grin that only dimmed to an overly content smile as the day went on.

"So...isn't it gorgeous?" Josephine prompted and Shai twitched back to the present, watching Cullen drag his eyes from her with a faint blush. He looked at the canvas blankly, his expression apparently too lack luster for the Ambassador who threw an artful elbow into his ribs. He jerked and cleared his throat, mumbling that yes it was a gorgeous piece of art and the Monsieur was very talented. 

Shai snorted none too quietly, earning looks from both Cullen and Josephine, the former biting his lip to hide the grin threatening to overtake his mouth. 

"Was there something you needed, Commander?" Josephine asked, her eyes staying on Shai and articulating one word: behave. 

"Needed? Oh yes, right um yes I did need something," Cullen stammered. "Some of our scouts just returned with the report that Hawke and his Warden ally are nearing Skyhold." 

"Oh," Josephine said and Shai's ears perked up as she saw her possible intervention. "I thought they would take much longer than they did." 

"They are still a week behind the Inquisitor's initial return," Cullen observed. 

"True. Well, we will need to meet with them as soon as they're--" The bugle interrupted the Ambassador and Shai could've happily kissed the Inquisition soldier who blew it.

"They're here!" She stated with unconcealed relief as she dropped her helm on a nearby chair. She beelined for the door, forgetting herself for a moment and grabbing Cullen's arm to tug him along.  

"No, don't move! Mademoiselle! Merde! It is ruined!" Monsieur Dubois cursed up a storm as he threw his paint brush and artist's palette dramatically on the floor. "All my work for nothing! You have ruined my masterpiece!"

Shai barely paid him any mind, feeling guilty that Josephine was left to calm the Orlesian down. Cullen hesitated only briefly in question of whether the Ambassador was able to handle Dubois's significant displeasure before allowing Shai's grip on him to direct his feet forward. Josephine's words of calming and apology followed them out into the great hall.

The second bugle sounded and Shai's pace quickened in anticipation and excitement. She had yet to meet Hawke's ally, the Champion and Warden having been departed from Crestwood by the time she returned. She only remembered the man's name was Stroud and apparently Blackwall had found him a quiet but confident acquaintance. Needless to say, she was interested to meet the Inquisition's newest helping hand.

"I hope the Ambassador doesn't have to pay that man too much," Cullen spoke casually from beside her despite the speed at which they were walking. People gathered in the great hall parted as the Commander and Inquisitor breezed past them; most bowed and murmured some variation of "Your Worship."  

"I can't imagine she's going to get him to leave with anything less," Shai responded absently. Her eyes were locked on the open great hall doors coming into reach of them. Cullen chuckled in agreement.

"He did seem an insufferable sort."

"You don't know the half of it."

The sunlight blinded her as she stepped onto Skyhold's front stairs. She blinked away the glare of the bright orb and looked down into the lower court yard. Two horses were surrounded by a small group of people. She was able to pick out Leliana's grey clad form closest to the still mounted Champion and Warden. She also spied Blackwall making his way over from the stables.

"Well...good to see they made it here in one piece," Josephine said a bit breathlessly from beside them. Shai jumped and felt Cullen do the same at the unexpected presence. "Monsieur Dubois is unfortunately returning to Orlais on the morrow because he is unable to work in conditions such as we provide," Josephine continued, an undercurrent of exasperation in her voice. Shai grimaced and shifted on her feet.

"I'm sure Orlais is crawling with other painters?" She suggested lamely, daring a look at the Ambassador. Josephine sighed in defeat although she wasn't wearing the murderous look Shai had expected. 

"Most likely. However, perhaps it would be best to wait until a later date to retain another artist. Sending two packing one right after the other would be...unfortunate."

"We should probably go talk to them," Cullen suggested after a silent moment and both women murmured their assent. They descended down, Shai stretching her neck to catch a glimpse of Hawke's ally. She discerned Warden armor, dented and dusty but still worn proudly. It surprised her the man was still wearing it as it marked him unmistakably, but then again Hawke had never said his friend had abandoned his role, only that he was in hiding.

As they got closer, the small crowd of Inquisition soldiers and Skyhold civilians started to disperse, the initial excitement of the new arrival diminished. Cassandra had made her way over to stand with Leliana and the two former hands of the Divine were already conversing with Hawke and his ally. The Champion noticed Shai first and turned to greet her.

"Inquisitor, its nice to see you again."

"Good to see you finally here. Any trouble on the road?" She asked Hawke, noting the deep tan he'd gained since they'd last crossed paths. 

"Nothing we couldn't handle. Didn't see any other Wardens so that was good...I think." 

Shai nodded in agreement; the lack of Wardens during their journey was both a blessing and sinister. On one hand they hadn't been set upon and captured, but on the other that just lent more weight to the fact there was corruption in the ranks thanks to Corypheus.

"Stroud," Hawke said over his shoulder and the Warden turned towards Shai. "This is the Inquisitor. Inquisitor, this is Warden Stroud."

"How do you do," Stroud greeted, his voice a controlled baritone. His eyes were a cross between grey and blue, shadowed by thin brows that were a sharp contrast to the full mustache drooping over his upper lip.

"It's nice to finally meet you," Shai returned, feeling an instant companionship with the man. He wasn't exactly what she'd been expecting; Hawke was a bit of a rogue if Varric's tales were anything to go by--plus the Champion was hardly a shy person--and Stroud seemed old beyond his years, a stalwart person. That the two were friends was interesting to her.

"You have a nice fortress here. It should serve you well," Stroud said, taking in what he could see of Skyhold from the courtyard with one fell swoop of his eyes.

"It hasn't failed us yet," Shai remarked and Stroud grunted.

"Warden Stroud has kindly agreed to discuss what information he knows with all of us and fill in the gaps from Warden Blackwall's missive," Leliana informed them. The consensual agreement came to convene presently in the war room and Shai soon found herself passing back through Josephine's office.

Monsieur Dubois's canvas was still propped on its easel, Shai's half painted face staring back at all of them. Paint lay in congealing puddles on the stone floor and Shai felt another surge of guilt over causing a mess for Josephine to have cleaned.

They assembled around the map of Thedas, Hawke and Stroud standing on one side while Shai and her advisors gathered on the other. Josephine diplomatically dispensed with the introductions and then opened the floor to whomever wished to speak with Stroud first. 

"The missive we read stated that Wardens believe they are dying," Cullen started and Shai listened intently. She'd read Blackwall's report on his meeting with Stroud but it had been kept as brief as possible for security purposes. Only the barest of details were given and so there was much left to be learned. She personally hadn't had much time to ask the Inquisition's resident Grey Warden about what he'd learned upon her return to Crestwood. Thus they were all in the dark.

"That is true. Wardens all over Orlais believe they are hearing the Calling. They _think_  they are dying."

"Corypheus's doing?" Cullen asked and Stroud nodded. 

"It would appear so. Warden-Commander Clarel summoned the Wardens to Orlais. It is madness the plan she proposed--demons and blood magic--and I could not, in good conscience, go along with it. I of course was one of the only to protest, and the only to do it loudly enough to draw the distrust of my comrades. They are not in their right minds, they cannot be. Clarel's plan is insanity!"

"Are you hearing the calling too then?" Josephine asked, her pen scratching furiously away on her writing tablet as she made notes.

"Yes," Stroud answered simply. _Everything's going ass end up_ , Shai thought morbidly. _First the Venatori, then the Templars, now the Wardens...when in the fuck will it end?_ She'd heard talk of the Calling before, the final summons for a Warden to serve his purpose to the world. It sent an unintentional shiver down her spine. _To know you were going to die and be powerless to steer yourself off that course..._

"This doesn't make any sense, why would Corypheus want the Wardens? What purpose could they possibly have for him? Is the Calling they're hearing even real or is Corypheus mimicking it somehow?" Leliana wondered aloud, brows slammed in a frown.

"It doesn't matter if its actually real or not, its good enough for the Wardens," Cullen answered before Stroud could. "I think we can assume that whatever Corypheus wants with them its better to stop it first and question the motive later. It can't be anything good."

Shai murmured her agreement; nothing that had Corypheus associated with it could be good, unless it was a giant fireball that would send the creature back to the Void once and for all.  

"Do you know where the Wardens have gone?" Cassandra questioned, leaning forward to plant both hands on the war table. 

"To the Approach for a ritual of some sort. I was unable to discern any other details; whatever is waiting for them there...if the Wardens fall who will stand against the next Blight? It is our greatest fear."

"The Wardens think they're dying, and then they do something desperate...which is of course what Corypheus wants. We need to leave for the Approach as soon as we can and put an end to this before it gets beyond our power," Hawke stated emphatically.  

"Inquisitor, do you have a team in mind?" Leliana asked catching Shai off guard. She'd been processing all the information Stroud was dumping on her, not thinking about the fact that she'd be departing with Hawke and the Grey Warden when they left.

"I haven't, no, not yet but--"

"I'll go with her," Cassandra stepped in. 

"Your Grey Warden should join us as well," Stroud advised. "His services could be invaluable."

"Finish out the team and report who you're taking," Leliana instructed and Shai nodded. Who accompanied her on her missions before had never been much interest to her advisors--as long as they all came back in one piece--but she understood the need for picking her companions critically in the worsening times. 

"The ride to the Approach will take almost over two weeks, and that's if you ride hard. I would not delay in departing," Cullen discerned, looking at the map marker that indicated the intended destination. 

"Then we should begin our preparations immediately," Stroud said. 

"I'll have some of my men assist you in packing," Cullen offered and the Grey Warden gave his thanks. The meeting wrapped quickly after that, the room emptying of people in a steady trickle of bodies through the door. Shai was one of the last ones out, her foot on the threshold when a hand grabbed her wrist gently and tugged her to a stop. She knew it was Cullen who had halted her progress before she even turned to look at him; she had watched him linger over the map, allowing himself to be one of the last ones in the war room.  

"Shai...be careful out there. We don't know what you're in for. Don't...don't take any risks."

"I'll do what I have to," she said, not promising him anything either way. She wanted to ease the worry she could see in his eyes but who was to say a risk wouldn't have to be taken? She'd been taking risks since she fell out of the Breach; the amount of them she _had_ to take increased in direct proportion to the growing messes they found themselves in. 

"Please," Cullen repeated and he squeezed her wrist to emphasize his words. "Just...come back alive?" 

Shai smiled shakily at him. "I'll try." 

"Do more than try," Cullen answered lowly and pulled her slowly to him. She went willingly and allowed him to embrace her, slipping her arms around the steel of his cuirass. 

"I will." 

 


	35. Slipping, Falling Fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple things to start with: READ #1 ONE IF NOTHING ELSE (and #4)  
> 1\. *****Tagging this chapter w/ the trigger warning rape/non-consensual for the beginning (just to be safe). If you'd like to skip this part, then the +'s is where the story will go back to a G-rating and check the notes at the bottom for the abridged summary of the beginning/ explanation for it.  
> 2\. I wish I could say I'd be throwing up 2 chapters every update lol but sadly it won't be that way every time, I just wrote fast this week  
> 3\. There is a very real chance I'll go back and edit the beginning of this chapter (and possibly some other parts). Not to change anything major but just to tidy things up. There comes a point where I can't stand looking at my writing anymore and so I just say f*** it and post (especially smut, always smut).  
> 4\. I'm so, so sorry to do this but I edited the chapter titled Releasing Inhibitions. I changed the very last part and had Shai and Cullen confess they were starting to catch feelings for each other. I just think it makes everything flow better and I should have stuck it there originally so yeah just a few added lines, nothing major but ik, I'm the worst editing in something like that   
> 5\. I think that's it :)

Cullen splashed water onto his face from the basin he kept in his room. He scrubbed a nearby towel over his features roughly, clearing his skin of the droplets of water that clung to it. He was exhausted; his eyes burned, his temples were throbbing, his knees wobbled slightly. He rolled his shoulders, trying to ease the tight knots of tension that had lodged themselves there. He felt strung tight as a bard's mandolin. 

He braced his hands on either side of the basin, his fingers curling under the lip of the stand on which the basin sat. He let his head drop between his shoulders, the pose of a man thoroughly worn out. He looked into the cracked, dirty, barely useful mirror that he'd nailed above the wash basin after he'd found it among some of Skyhold's initial rubble. He looked haggard; his skin was sallow and his cheekbones were more pronounced tonight. 

Cullen's eyes ran tiredly over his reflection, taking in every blemish that was a clear sign he was not the man he wanted to be. He wondered how many other people looked at him and secretly thought what was wrong. He didn't want the concerned looks, the sympathy; he dreaded getting knowing looks even more than the former two. Once that happened...he'd be all but finished. This was his private battle; the world need know nothing of it. 

Cullen shoved away from the wash stand and weaved unsteadily towards his meager bed, shedding his shirt and boots as he went, leaving himself in just his breeches. It was hardly the grandness he'd seen in other's chambers. He'd refused the replacement, four poster Orlesian that Josephine had tried to have installed in his quarters. For one, he doubted they'd be able to get it up the ladder. For two, it didn't much matter to him what he slept on as long as he slept. He was a former Templar, used to the meager accommodations the Order provided its members; he didn't need grandeur simply because he was in the position of Commander. 

His knees met the mattress and the rest of him followed suit until he was sprawled across the expanse of it on his stomach. He was a tall man--not as tall as others, but tall--and his bed wasn't exactly built to accommodate that height. When his head was on the pillow, his feet just barely kept from hanging over the edge of the mattress. It would have been rather uncomfortable to deal with night after night, but characteristically he slept more compact than spread out; his knees were usually at least part way bent, more so if it was one of the bad nights that left him clenching his teeth to keep the screams from welling out.

 _Let tonight be peaceful_ , he thought drowsily. _Please just let me sleep_. He needed it. He barked out a burst of dry laughter; he always needed sleep. It was part of his personality that he was permanently tired. He wondered if he'd ever see a sunrise where he didn't groan that day had found him and necessitated his rising even though he'd barely rested the night before.

Cullen's eyes started to drift shut and he had just enough presence of mind left to crawl himself under his blankets. He punched his pillow softly, making a sizable dent for his head; he awoke with a crick in his neck nine times out of ten and he was actively trying different methods to prevent that. He sighed mightily, letting his lids fall shut and willing his mind to empty itself of any thought that didn't revolve around sleep.

He had just drifted off when some peripheral part of himself heard his office door open and shut beneath him. He groaned long and loud, willing the incompetent recruit who'd just entered his domain to see him or herself right back out.

"Leave the reports and go," he managed to yell groggily, hoping his voice had been heard and that he wouldn't have to rise and repeat himself. He waited for the sound of the door opening again but instead he heard the creak of his ladder as someone ascended it and he muttered an oath as he propped himself up, looking through sleep clouded eyes over his shoulder. His glare should have lit whatever unfortunate soul breached the opening into his personal chambers on fire, such was its intensity.

But it softened immediately when he caught the familiar shape of the Inquisitor peering through the darkness at him. His sleepiness dissipated almost instantaneously and he struggled into a sitting position, pulling the blankets to cover his half naked form. _Don't be ridiculous_ , he chided himself even as he tried to maintain his modesty. _She's seen it all_.

"In-inquisitor. Shai! You're back." The timing seemed impossible to him; he could have sworn they'd just seen Shai and her team off not too long ago. How was she back? There was no way they could have reached the Approach and returned already. Shai shrugged, the rustling of her clothing indicating her movement better than Cullen's eyes could track it; he was having trouble making out her person even with his vision adjusting itself more and more every second.

"Stroud sent us back."

"What?"

"He said he and Hawke could handle it, that he didn't want to drag the Inquisition into the problem."

"That doesn't make any sense," Cullen said, his eyebrows drawing down into a frown.

"That's what I said," Shai sighed, crossing the small room to sit on the edge of his bed. "He was singing a different tune in the war room and then all of a sudden he just decided we didn't need to go anymore."

"Did something happen to change his mind?"

"Hell if I know," Shai grumbled, running a hand through her hair. Cullen noticed it was floating loosely over her shoulders again like it had been on her return from Crestwood. He liked when she wore it down; the different, subtle colors arcing through it were gorgeous to see when the sun struck her. Plus he was working up the courage to run his hands fully through it.

"I'm glad you're back safely," he said, reaching out tentatively to touch her hand laying in her lap. He meant it to just be a quick caress, nothing lasting past a few seconds. He still lacked the braveness to interact with her physically the way he really wanted to; he was approaching that level of comfortability but it was still laying just outside his grasp.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Shai said softly, covering his hand with her own before he could retreat. "I was thinking you'd still be up working."

Her voice had a bit of laughter in it and he smiled despite the obviousness of how much of a workaholic he was. "I was too tired to keep going. I was getting very close to falling asleep on my desk."

"Oh." Shai made to stand. "I'm sorry, I'll let you rest then. We can visit more tomorrow?"

His hold tightened on her and he pulled her back down. "Stay?" He asked quietly, not knowing where the words were coming from, only that he had the sudden urge to actually sleep with her. Shai hesitated and then a grin split her mouth and she nodded. He released her long enough for her to shed her armor, the soft clink of the steel connecting with his floor the only sound in the room.

When she was just in her undershirt and smalls, she crawled up towards him, coming into full view for the moments she crossed beneath the hole in his roof. Before she could adjust herself beside him, he leaned forward and cupped the sides of her face, bringing his mouth to hers fractionally. She sighed again when their lips met, but one of contentment instead of frustration. 

The longer their kiss went on, the less tired he found himself becoming. Indeed his exhaustion was ebbing from his body and he pulled Shai to him, making a satisfied noise in the back of his throat when she had to straddle him to keep herself from falling over. Her thighs settled on either side of his hips and her arms slipped around his shoulders. Cullen brushed his hand from her cheek to her neck, eliciting a shiver from her and grinning against her mouth at the reaction.

He did it again and again, delighting in the sound it wrung from her on the last circuit. Her breasts flattened against his bare chest and a surge of excitement went through him, culminating in his groin. His cock hardened slightly and when Shai's hips completed a slow roll against his own, he couldn't stop the hum that vibrated in the back of his throat. Her teeth raked over his lower lip as their mouths opened and they tasted each other. 

Their noses bumped together and their foreheads touched frequently as their kiss waxed and waned. Cullen's hands dropped from Shai's face to her shoulders and then down to her waist. He skimmed them still lower and caught the edge of her shirt, sliding his fingers under the fabric to brush against her skin. It was warm and silky to the touch and he shuddered at the exploration. 

He waited for a protest as he started to bunch Shai's shirt up further and further. He broke away from her to watch the slow reveal of her torso, his eyes riveted to each new patch of skin that was revealed. He noted the smooth planes of her stomach, the muscles that contracted as the air hit her flesh. Her ribs came next, becoming more prominent as she stretched her arms upwards to allow Cullen to dispense of her shirt. He let it fall to the side of the bed, immediately placing his hands on the small of Shai's back, running them up the length of her spine. 

Her eyes glittered down at him hotly and his mouth went dry as anticipation constricted every nerve in his body. He sucked in a breath in a room gone suddenly airless as Shai's hands skittered down his chest, her nails dragging lightly over his abdominals. She ran all ten fingers in a barely there touch around the waistband of his breeches, leaving fire in their wake. His hips bucked upwards reflexively and she smiled at the motion, sinking her top teeth into her full bottom lip. 

In another few seconds she was tugging at his laces, and his eyes rolled back when she leaned forward to better be able to slip a hand between them. She palmed his bare cock, fingers drifting over the most intimate part of him. 

"Shai," he breathed as he hardened fully beneath her touch. She wasn't doing anything other than feeling him and yet even that simple thing was getting his blood pumping to a roaring calamity in his ears. Her solid weight was gone abruptly as she stood beside the bed, arms bent as she reached behind her back to undo her breast band. It fell to the floor followed in rapid succession by her smalls and Cullen swallowed roughly. 

He felt like he was drooling as his gaze roamed freely over her body, taking in the soft fullness of her breasts and the place between her legs he desperately wanted to touch, to _taste_. He blushed at the latter thought, embarrassed that he was capable of thinking of such a thing. But then Shai came towards him again and he bloody well didn't care that his mind had gone down that path because he would do it and be damned if he didn't.

Only she didn't give him a chance and he promised himself he would another time as Shai grabbed the waistband of his breeches and tugged them down over his hips. He sprang free and gave a small hiss as the cold air assaulted his length. Shai slid one leg over him and settled herself back where she'd been, propping herself up on her knees so that the tip of his cock could just barely feel the heat coming from her sex.

Cullen licked his lips and darted glances back and forth from Shai's face to the place where they were about to be joined. They were both breathing heavily and he was flushed all over, his pulse racing. Slowly, oh so slowly, Shai lowered down, the first touch of her wetness against him making him grit his teeth. He had just enough presence of mind to lock his hands on her hips again and steady her, fingers digging into her supple flesh.

Shai let loose a mewl as the tip of him breached her and Cullen's head dropped back. She encased his length bit by bit until their hips were pressed against the other's. His nostrils flared when she rocked forward and the tendons stood out in his neck as he tried to hold himself steady. Shai's fingers found his shoulders and held on as she started to move. She moaned above him and her forehead came down to lean against his own. 

Her hair swirled around their faces, creating a sort of cave that belonged to just the two of them. They breathed against each other, breath hitching and interspersed with moans and whispered names. Shai planted her hands on his chest and pushed him backwards until Cullen was laying prone on his back. His hands slipped from her hips to her thighs and he gazed up at her. 

Shai's hips slid back and forth in a steady rhythm, inner muscles clenching and unclenching around his cock. He realized he loved this position more and more with every passing minute. He could see everything, could watch her face as she took her pleasure and it sent no small rocket of delight through him that she was taking her pleasure from _him_. It was his cock she was moaning over and jerking against, it was his name leaving her lips in shuddery tones. It was _all_ him.

Cullen growled when Shai circled her hips and suddenly he could take being still no longer. He flipped her onto her back, his shoulders blotting out any of the moon or starlight coming through the hole in his roof to illuminate her face. When she went to wrap her arms around him, he grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head, earning himself a surprised and then very heated look. 

Cullen swooped down and stole a kiss from Shai's already swollen lips, breaking the contact much too soon. He drew his hips back and hesitated, watching Shai's reaction. When he had her full attention and she was beginning to squirm beneath them, he thrust forward heavily. Her mouth opened and a long moan left her. He smiled darkly and did it again, earning a louder outburst.

His grip tightened on her wrists as he surged into motion, his body pressing hers heavily into the bed. Every other one of his senses turned inward until they were all focused on the feel of his sweat dampened skin gliding over Shai's, the feel of his cock probing her most secret places, and the sounds falling from her lips at his lovemaking. He needed to go harder, faster; he needed it like a starving man needed food.

He was losing his sense of self, dipping down into a dark abyss where nothing existed except for him and Shai. His harsh breathing buffeted his ears and he blinked away the droplets of sweat sliding into his eyes. Shai bucked and bowed beneath him, her thighs gripping his hips tightly like they gripped the sides of her stallion. She locked her ankles behind his back and it allowed him to slide deeper, the movement unleashing a fresh wave of desire.

Cullen started to slam into her, the sound of skin smacking skin filling the room. Shai gasped and arched, the cords standing out in her neck. He dropped his head and put his mouth against one, his tongue caressing her skin. He felt the vibrations of her vocal cords as she called his name again and he felt the contractions around his cock lower down as she came undone. But he didn't slow his pace, he couldn't. He was a man lost to pleasure, a mindless, automated pleasure that took over his body and drove him forward.

"Cull--Cullen, wait."

Shai's breathy voice came to him dimly; he wasn't even sure whether he'd heard it. What's more, he didn't care. It should have shocked him back into reality but it didn't. He reared back from her, still keeping her held fast by her wrists. She was gazing up at him with hazy, half lidded eyes only they were starting to clear the longer they remained on his face.

"Cullen, wait, please stop. You're hurting me. Cullen?"

He grinned down at her, watched the flicker of surprise cross her face followed by another expression...fear. She started to struggle against his hold, but he tightened his grip, feeling the fine bones of her wrist press inward under his grasp. He wasn't finished, he was far from finished. He wasn't even tired, was showing no signs of stopping. He needed more...

"Cullen? Cullen stop!" Her voice was louder, shaking with the force of his thrusting. Her legs weren't around his hips anymore, but were instead withdrawing to try and come between them and leverage him off. "Cullen!"

She was going to alert someone if she got any louder. He couldn't have anyone come and interrupt them. Not before he'd finished. His blood was coursing through his veins in fiery torrents and a voice in his head was championing him on, whispering over and over how good it felt. _Yes_ , he decided, _yes this feels good...this feels very good_. Another growl worked its way up through his chest and into his throat. Shai stilled at the sound and then she really started to fight him like she'd done all those nights ago in the woods on the way to Redcliffe. 

"Get off! Cullen, get off!" 

Cullen ignored her efforts to get free, his eyes narrowing the more she struggled; she was at his mercy, she wasn't going anywhere. Her gasps of pain circulated with her grunts of effort as she twisted and turned.

"Stop," he commanded, punctuating his demand with a squeeze of her wrists. Shai cried out, confusion warring with hurt warring with fear for which emotion got precedence on her face. "Stop," he said again through gritted teeth. She didn't listen and he felt his temper spike. Her legs were pushing against him, her knees digging sharply into his sides.

"Be still!" He snarled into her face and she screamed at him in response. His hands left her wrists and her brief look of relief was slapped from her face when his fingers locked around her neck.

"Cullen! Cullen don't! Cull--" Shai's voice cut off abruptly as he squeezed, lips pulling back from his teeth.

"I. Said. Be. Still." He spit through clenched teeth. Shai's hands smacked anywhere she could find purchase. One caught him in the side of the head, the other struck him in the shoulder. He paid them no mind; the strength of his grip only grew in correlation with her desperateness. Shai's eyes bugged and her hands finally covered his own, her nails ripping into his skin as she tried to loosen the things choking the very life from her.

The voice in his head laughed at her weak attempts to break free and Cullen felt his own mirth bubbling to the surface. His vision clouded over, his muscles locked and went rigid. _Finish it_ , the voice commanded. _Finish it. Get it all out_. _Filthy, filthy...Mage_.

Cullen jerked awake with a loud shout, his heart thumping wildly in his chest. He was drenched in sweat, his ears ringing, his jaw sore from how hard he'd been clenching his teeth. His cock was painfully rigid between his legs and he felt a crushing wave of shame and self loathing break over him. He drew his knees to his chest and crossed his forearms over them, letting his head hang down.

He panted and shivered as the vestiges of his dream faded away. He drew breath in great, choking gasps, feeling like something was lodged in his wind pipe. He was cold all over; even his blood had turned to ice, frozen in his veins. Nausea swam bitterly in his stomach, threatening to make the journey straight up to pour from his mouth. He swallowed hard, once, twice, clearing his mouth of the excess saliva that had gathered there.

 _Maker_.. _.oh sweet Maker...fuck_.

+++++++++  

Cullen raised a hand and knocked on the Ambassador's office door. He was mentally exhausted, dragging through the day. He felt sluggish in his movements. Moreover, a deep shame followed him wherever he went. He'd kept his gaze on the ground as he'd moved through Skyhold to attend the meeting Josephine had called. He was too mortified and shamed to meet the eyes of anyone.

He was shaken to his core and tremors darted their way through his extremities while sweat constantly bathed his skin. When he'd tried to eat earlier, he'd promptly thrown up all he'd consumed and his stomach was twisted into too tight of a knot to attempt to force anything down. He'd spent the morning on his knees beside his bed, hands clasped fervently before his face, mumbling every prayer he knew under his breath, trying to get them all out.

He'd dreamt about killing her. He'd been strangling her and he'd...he'd liked it. Maker's breath he'd been hard upon waking! He stifled a moan of contempt at the memory. _Pull it together. Pull it together until you're in private_. He was losing his mind. Maker's breath, it was getting so much worse.  

"Come in!" 

He jerked from reverie and pushed into Josephine's private quarters hesitantly, still wondering why he'd been summoned on such short notice. 

"Everything alright, Ambassador?" He asked as he came to stand before her desk. Josephine set her work aside, practically vibrating with excitement. 

"Of course. Would you like some tea, Cullen? Leliana is on her way to join us."

"Erm, I uh--oh ok uh thanks," Cullen stammered as he found a teacup pushed into his hands. His blunt fingers fumbled incompetently with the delicate china and twice he almost dropped it as he struggled to situate it properly. The leather of his gloves made holding the thin handle nearly impossible and he settled for balancing the cup in the palm of his hand, taking a tentative sip. The hot, brown liquid soothed the coils of his stomach, loosening them. "What um, what is this about?" 

"Yes Josie, do tell us what all the fuss is for," Leliana echoed as she too entered the Ambassador's office. "You've dragged both the Commander and I away from our work."

"Oh hush," Josephine reprimanded flippantly. "I've had some good news out of Orlais."

"Nothing from that place could _ever_ be considered good," Cullen grumbled before he could stop himself. 

"Whatever your opinion on the Orlesian people may be, Cullen, do please try and keep it to yourself while we are there."

"While we're there?" Leliana asked. "What're you on about?"

"We're going to Orlais?" Cullen blurted at the same time. His day darkened considerably thinking about that particular venture. He hoped the Ambassador was just pulling his leg, or at the very least when she said "we" really meant her and Leliana, or her and anyone but him. He was of half a mind to ask if he could just stay behind, use the reason that he had to oversee troop routines as an excuse. But that would barely hold water; Rylen's whole purpose was to command in times the Commander was absent, after all. 

"The Inquisition is going to Orlais, to be more exact," Josephine declared proudly, pulling a cream, far too decorated card from her top desk drawer. She held it out to Leliana, who took it and turned it over in both hands, her eyes scanning the gold script flowing across the front. Cullen leaned towards the Spymaster, squinting to make out the lettering. 

"You've got us an invitation to the Winter Palace," Leliana said with a smile. "Well done Josie." 

Josephine blushed at the praise and waved her hand in a think-nothing-of-it gesture. "It was easy, really. I just sent some letters to some contacts, detailing the Inquisition's latest conquests and our growing presence. Really, the offer of an invitation came almost immediately. I suspect even Celene herself would have sent us one before the actual ball. Our name is apparently on the lips of a great many people."

"Even so, this is still a considerable accomplishment in such a fast time," Leliana reminded. "When is the ball?"

"In four months," Josephine answered. "Which gives us just enough time to prepare. I'll have to contact some tutors and tailors to help of course, but I think I can manage it rather quickly."

"Hold on," Cullen broke in, raising a hand as if he were a school boy waiting to be called on. "Tailors and what?"

"Tutors, Commander. For dancing."

"I don't dance," Cullen stated firmly, nor was he about to subject himself to lessons.  

"Well neither do a great many members of the Inquisition but its never too late to learn," the Ambassador trilled. "Besides, while we're at court we must do and say as if we belong there. To refuse to dance at Celene's ball would risk not only public animosity but offending the Empress herself! Why, we could lose the promise of her help entirely for being so obstinate."

"The Empress can go hang," Cullen blurted without thinking, cringing at the horrified gasp he wrung from Josephine and the sharp tsk he drew from Leliana. "Saving her life should be payment enough. We shouldn't have to go play dress up with her and all her friends."

"Orlesians love The Game more than we could ever understand, Commander," the Spymaster explained slowly as it to a petulant child. "If we want to be in the Empresses's good graces, we must play along for the time being. Saving Celene from the dangers we suspect are lurking in the shadows is only half the battle."

"This is ridiculous," Cullen snorted.

"This, Commander, is politics," Josephine said, folding her hands neatly on her desk. "In any case one cannot tell someone who they wish to gain favor from to 'go hang' simply because certain aspects do not suit their whims. We'll do our part and Maker willing Celene will do hers."

"And if she doesn't?" Cullen--always the practical one--asked.

"Then we will deal with that if it happens," the Spymaster answered for her friend firmly. "There's no use in dwelling on the negative until we know for certain that's the option we are left with." 

"Nicely put Leliana. And if you wouldn't mind sending a missive for the Inquisitor's prompt return from the Approach? We will need her back here to begin preparations for--"

"Wait, you can't be serious!" Cullen interjected. The Inquisitor and her team had only just left a little over two weeks ago! If they sent for her now that would barely have given Shai enough time to check in at the forward camp and situate herself let alone take care of the problem with the Grey Wardens. He grimaced at the thought of Shai's name, guilt seeping through every pore until he was sure the two women in the room with him could sense the shame radiating from him. _Hold it together_. 

"I am serious. We need the Inquisitor here so we can prepare her for the Winter Palace. While she is from nobility, there are different customs and ways that the Orlesians abide by. All eyes will already be on her, we cannot risk sending her in blind."

"But they've barely had any time in the Approach at all!" Cullen railed against Josephine's idea forcefully. Shai needed to stay... _away from me_ , his mind finished. 

"They can always go back once the ball is over," Leliana said. "Perhaps you can send a few patrols to keep the area stabilized until the Inquisitor can return?" 

"No, this is ridiculous," Cullen stated defiantly. "The ball is four months away, why can the Inquisitor not stay in the Approach until closer to the time we leave for Orlais? She is needed there far more than here! Whatever is happening to the Grey Wardens, I doubt they're going to just wait until Shai--I mean the Inquisitor--can return and deal with them. Corypheus is hardly going to hold off on whatever he's planning."

"You do have a point," Josephine conceded after a few seconds. "Sir Stroud certainly made the situation in the Approach sound pressing."

"That's because it is," Cullen argued. "Do you think he just made it all up? The Inquisitor needs to stay for as long as she can. Even once she deals with the Wardens there's bound to be something else wrong."

"That would be our luck," Leliana sighed in agreement. Cullen grunted his affirmation. He knew Shai--well, he didn't know her as well as he wanted to ( _you_   _shouldn't get to know her after last night, you don't deserve to_ )--and she'd be close to livid, if not more so, at being summoned back to Skyhold for something as trivial as learning how to dance. Not to mention the Seeker would be breathing enough fire for her and the Inquisitor both at such an occurrence; he sincerely wished Leliana and Josephine the best if they had to deal with that duo. 

"But the Winter Palace will be no small feat," Josephine began again. "One wrong move on anyone's part and we could jeopardize our success, not to mention our lives. It would be better to leave ourselves more time than just a little."

"Then allow the Inquisitor to stay for as long as she sees fit but also stress the importance she return as soon as she can afford to leave the Approach," Cullen propositioned as an amicable solution. Truthfully he wanted to say, _to hell with the ball._ He sighed and ran a hand through his hair at his thoughts. Lately everywhere they turned seemed to have something pressing they absolutely needed to attend to. It was becoming a challenging maze of deciding which important venture to undertake first and which to come back to later, whilst hoping it wouldn't fall apart too much in the Inquisition's absence. 

Without a doubt, stopping Corypheus's hold over the Wardens was key to preventing whatever it was the God-Magister had planned for the long run. Yet at the same time, saving the Empress was of the utmost importance. Her death would cause just the right amount of chaos, and then some. _Maker's breath,_ Cullen thought. He hoped the Inquisitor had gotten enough sleep before she left for the Approach; in the months to come she was unlikely to get any. _You're not worthy to be worrying over her like that,_ his conscience whispered. _You're not, you're not, you're not_.  

"And how long would the Inquisitor 'seeing fit' be? What if she elects to stay right up until the ball's commencement?" Leliana wondered aloud. "Will we stage an intervention and drag her back to Skyhold?" The Spymaster's tone was light and slightly sarcastic.

"We should have faith in her judgement," Cullen said matter of factly. "She of all people knows what's at stake. You'll have a tougher time making her come home prematurely by an order than you would by a suggestion."

"You're quite a dictionary on how the Inquisitor's mind works, aren't you?" Leliana teased and Cullen's gaze dropped rapidly to the floor. He glared at an ink stain on the stone, its substance blurred and faded indicating some vigorous scrubbing in an attempt at removal. His cheeks heated and then cooled as he pulled his composure around him like a cloak, though the shyness he knew both women thought they saw was not really shyness at all but more shame at what he'd dreamt.  

"Can we uh--can we focus on the task at hand?" He cleared his throat and looked pointedly at Josephine who was hiding a small smile behind a strategically placed hand;  _fantastic, now everyone knows._

"Of course, Commander. Leliana, send a missive to the Inquisitor requesting her presence back at Skyhold as soon as matters with the Grey Wardens have stabilized. Stress the importance that we must have adequate time to prepare her for the Winter Palace. Also, perhaps Ser Stroud and the Champion of Kirkwall might stay in the Approach and tie up any loose ends? I doubt either of them will want to join us, or if they should..." Josephine's voice trailed of and Cullen could easily track where the Ambassador's mind was going.

While Stroud would be a basic anomaly in Celene's court, Hawke would pose a bit of a problem plus bring about a lot of distaste. The Champion wasn't exactly warmly regarded by many for his part in the Mage uprising and what transpired in Kirkwall. While the Inquisitor and Hawke together would strike quite a pair upon entrance into the Winter Palace, Hawke's presence might do less for the Inquisition rather than more.

"Speaking of, who exactly will be joining us?" Leliana asked and Cullen's ears perked up at the question. He too wondered whether it would just be the team of advisors plus Shai, or rather she would be selecting a team to accompany them, per advisor approval of course. He knew Josephine and Leliana would hardly let anyone accompany them who could jeopardize the Inquisition's appearance. However, he doubted anyone besides Shai's human companions would be able to blend in. 

The Orlesians wouldn't look kindly on Sera or Solas, they would probably cower in fear staring up at the Iron Bull, Varric would be regarded like some sort of strange bug, and Cole...well, Cullen wasn't even sure what Cole was still. And he knew he wasn't the only one. Besides, Shai's status as a Mage wouldn't exactly be boosting opinions of her to begin with. He felt his jaw clench reflexively imagining the snide comments that would be whispered behind fans and gloved hands about Shai. 

He surprised himself with the surge of protectiveness he suddenly felt for her. It wasn't like she couldn't defend herself--he knew that was so far from the truth--but he didn't want to throw her into the proverbial wolves den and watch her suffer. It wasn't like the Orlesians knew her or even knew half of what she was doing for Thedas while they sat safe in their cushioned homes.

While they sipped their spiced wine and fluttered their perfumed handkerchiefs, Shai sent demons screaming back to the Void, sacrificing her body in vicious onslaughts. While they gossiped about the latest fashions over copious feasts, Shai subsisted on meager field rations, pushing herself past the bring of exhaustion because she was the Inquisitor and her work was never done. _And she's also under the delusion that someone she is growing close to is not having dreams about murdering her_. 

He wasn't aware he was grinding his teeth--and quite forcefully too--until his jaw gave a painful twinge and he opened it, shifting it from side to side until it relaxed. His hands were clenched into tights fists and he relaxed them, hoping his physical reactions had gone unnoticed by Josephine and Leliana. He surmised that that was the case, for both women were now behind Josephine's desk collaborating on a list on which he had no insight.

"Is uh--is that all?" Cullen asked with a throat clear. Spymaster and Ambassador looked up, the former seeming surprised he was still in the room. 

"Dear Josephine did say you could return to whatever duties needed your attention," Leliana lilted, her eyes dancing at his lack of attention.

"Oh...right. I'll...I'll just be going then."

"Good day Commander," both women said almost in unison. Cullen nodded stiffly and took his leave, stepping into the dim bustle of the great hall. His stomach rumbled as he smelled fresh oat bread and meat wafting up from Skyhold's kitchens, apparently over its earlier refusal of food. He debated stopping by for a quick bite--perhaps he'd indulge in a slice of goat cheese to pair with the bread--but decided against it. He could send for a recruit to bring a tray to his office; they were used to those kinds of orders by now.

Cullen spied Varric at his post by the fire near the great hall doors and prepared to give the dwarf a wide berth. Lately he'd been allowing himself a quick "hello" or "good day" as he passed in an attempt at politeness whilst making sure he looked like a man on a mission to avoid being drawn into a conversation. But either he was a terrible actor or Varric was indeed too clever for his own good because the dwarf always, _always_ , lured him into a drawn out talk.

"I have a question for you, Cullen."

He turned to see the Spymaster had caught up with him. She was standing stock still and he realized that he should stop to oblige her.

"Yes?"

"Not here," Leliana said. "In my quarters."

He resigned himself to climbing the many stairs to the top of the Spymaster's tower, trying not to huff and puff as he took each new stair. His armor really did weigh more than he'd ever realized and he wondered how that was. Perhaps he was just tired. Yes, that was it. He was just tired...not losing his strength. They passed Dorian on the way up and Dorian greeted them--or at least him--with a wink and a knowing smile.

Cullen didn't know how to respond--Maker, why had the man winked at him?--and so nodded gruffly at the Tevinter Mage. They passed Fiona who murmured a greeting and then they were up another flight of stairs and among the Spymaster's scouts and squawking birds.

"For you, Sister Nightingale," one man said, coming forward with a sheaf of papers. Leliana took them and the man melted away.

"What was it you needed?" Cullen asked as Leliana walked behind the table that served as her desk.

"Has the Inquisitor's mother been to see you recently?" She asked without further preamble. Cullen's eyes widened at the question.

"What?" He coughed, caught off guard.

"Cordelia Trevelyan, Cullen, has she been to see you recently?"

"Uh yes, but uh only once."

"When?" The Spymaster's eyes narrowed and he instantly felt he was being interrogated.

"Why does it matter?" He asked, on the defense.

"Don't be obtuse. Just answer the question, Commander. When did she visit you?"

"Visited in uh in what way?" He was stalling and doing a poor job of it too; why would Leliana want to know the patterns of Cordelia Trevelyan? The Spymaster sighed in abject exasperation. 

"Tell me," she demanded with steely eyes. "When did she visit?"

"When the Inquisitor returned from Crestwood." 

"And what did she want to know?" 

"Its uh--its private," he said, not sure he wanted to let Leliana into any of Shai's private matters. A reconciliation, after all, had been the purpose for Cordelia's visit. 

"For the love of the Maker, Cullen!" Leliana's voice cracked like a whip and a few nearby ravens shuffled uneasily on their perches. "I'm not going to do anything with it I just want to know."

The way she said the last bit made him frown in consideration, like she was alluding to needing the information for a purpose. "She wanted me to talk to Shai--the Inquisitor--about...about their relationship." 

Leliana was silent for a minute, simply saying "hmm" and nothing more. Cullen shifted awkwardly, waiting for her to speak. 

"Lady Trevelyan asked me the same thing," she finally said. "Although she visited me a few days after her arrival here." 

"Why?" Cullen blurted, now interested in the topic at hand. Why would Cordelia be coming to them both about Shai? What did she think they could do that she couldn't? She knew neither of them whatsoever, was putting her trust in complete strangers. Or at least revealing some very personal information to two complete strangers. 

"I don't know," Leliana murmured.  

"You think she's after something?" 

"Don't you? But her tactics, her approach, they make no sense. I have my agents--" 

"You're investigating the Inquisitor's mother?" Cullen interrupted. 

"Its my job to make sure who we're surrounding ourselves with," Leliana stated. "I wanted to be sure of the woman." 

"So what have you found?" 

"Nothing...so far. I just found her visit to be very odd."

"Why would we have any cause to doubt her thus far then?" Cullen asked, more than ready to put this conversation to bed and disappear back to his office. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, especially the ones trying to break free in his mind that he'd strategically locked away for the time being. _Please Leliana, stop talking_. "Perhaps she is being honest."  

"Perhaps," Leliana mused. "But I'm not sure how much of it I buy. She and the Inquisitor have hardly spoken the entire time Lady Cordelia has been at Skyhold. And the times they have been together, the animosity between the two is clear as day. Which, I do admit, could be why Cordelia is asking for our help. She could be pure in her intentions. But I still don't know why she'd approach me."

"Or me," Cullen said and chose to ignore the look the Spymaster gave him at his feigned ignorance.

"Whatever the case, be on your guard Commander. I don't think something's right, I just can't put my finger on it, at least not now."

 _Something isn't right, but it isn't Cordelia...it's me_. But he kept his thoughts to himself and departed Leliana's presence, eyes unfocused as he retreated into his mind, the darkness of the thoughts he'd been holding at bay finally free to circulate inside his head.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, explanation time: I don't think I've done a great job showing Cullen's withdrawal symptoms kicking in, etc throughout this story and tbh, once you get to Skyhold we all know that's where the s*** really starts to hit the fan. So its really about time 40 chapters in that we start seeing the lyrium withdrawal showing more prominent signs. I really hope this wasn't too over the top, but I kinda just went with it and thought it was plausible. For any of you who skipped the beginning because of the trigger warning, basically Cullen has a fantasy dream about Shai and things go south during the festivities and he tries to strangle her. Due to his time spent being tortured in the tower, and knowing that some of that was sexual torture, in my mind--at least--it stands to reason that would intrude on his current situation with the Inquisitor at some point. Again I haven't played any previous DA games so everything I get in backstories is what I can dig up on the Internet. But I really, really hope this meshes well. If personally you don't think it does because it definitely conflicts with something in Cullen's backstory from the tower, constructive criticism is always appreciated. Please no hateful comments, I am a little nervous about this because it is a touchy subject I've started this chapter off with. But yeah, hope you liked and want to continue reading :)


	36. Into the Approach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter, dialogue heavy (game and non-game), switched some lines around to make it fit better.  
> (Might end up editing bits and pieces of this one too)

"Sera was never an agreeable girl--" 

"Knock it off." 

"Her tongue tells tales of rebellion--" 

"I'm serious, I'll punch you in the friggin' eye." 

"But she was so fast and quick with her bow--" 

"ARGH!"

Rhys went down in a flurry of motion, Sera on top of him. Sand flew around the two as they struggled, Rhys laughing maniacally and Sera flinging curses at him as she'd surely like to fling her arrows instead.

"Gonna rip your tongue out!"

"Mercy! Mercy!"

"Ugh," Cassandra said and turned away from the Mage and rogue, surveying the vast expanse of desert before them. Blackwall let loose a full bellied laugh as Sera stuffed a handful of sand in Rhys's face with a loud "Eat it! Eat it!"

Shai shook her head at her team's antics and returned to looking at the map in her hands. The ritual tower wasn't far off, in fact if she squinted against the blinding sun of the Approach, she could just barely make out the spokes of it against the blue, cloudless sky. 

"Hawke and Stroud will be wondering what has delayed us," Cassandra reminded with a pointed look at Rhys and Sera still rolling around in the sand. Rhys had managed to gasp out a few more lines of the song Maryden had composed about the shaggy haired elf, the lyrics muted for Sera's hand was firmly over his mouth. 

"Yeah," Shai sighed. "You're probably right. Sera, Rhys, cut it out." To be perfectly honest she was wanting to see who would come out on top and her money was currently on Sera. She, of course, would step in before it got too violent but the friendly--at least on Rhys's part--scrabble was entertaining. 

"Open your mouth again an' I'll sew it shut for you," Sera threatened as she leveraged herself off the Mage, pointing a finger direly in his face. Rhys wheezed with laughter as he got himself to his feet and brushed sand granules from his armor and shook them from his hair. 

"Oh sod off, you wouldn't even know the first thing about sewing." 

"Oh yeah? Well then, bees," Sera said plainly and gave a sharp nod of confirmation to her own plans. Rhys made a face at her and Sera stuck her tongue back out at him but they kept the peace for the moment. 

It was their second day in the Approach and they were wasting no time in getting to the bottom of the Grey Warden troubles. Hawke and Stroud had ridden ahead of them on the road after stating the obvious that two lone riders could move much faster than a group of six. Stroud had also been itching to get to the Approach as soon as possible, his clear trepidation at what they might find spreading to the rest of the group and raising their uneasiness.

Shai and her team hadn't been far behind the Warden and the Champion, arriving only three days after them. Already Hawke and Stroud had found the ritual tower and marked it on the map they left with Scout Harding at the forward camp. They'd also left word they would be awaiting Shai near it, wanting to stake out the premises and keep an eye on things until her arrival.

Shai and her team had tried to reach the tower the other day when they'd arrived, but a large rift spawned conveniently only some couple hundred feet from the forward camp had gotten in their way. Then there had been hyenas to contend with plus everyone was rather grouchy from subsequent days spent in the saddle and no one was really in the shape for a prolonged fight. It had been easier to rest and rise after dawn, then set out.

And the sun had just now risen fully in the sky indicating the shift of morning into afternoon as they stood determining the direction of the ritual tower.

"We need to head due north," Shai confirmed, tucking the map into the belt around her hips. "It should be on the other side of those dunes."

"Then we'd best not delay," Cassandra said, marching forward through the sand. Blackwall followed closely behind and Shai fell into step with the Warden after making sure Rhys and Sera were paying attention to the new movement. The five of them trudged through the sand and Shai gritted her teeth at the awkward feeling of having sand filling the bottoms of her boots. After the first couple hours of shaking her shoes out every time they stopped for a break, she'd given up on ever de-sanding herself completely whilst they remained in the Approach.

She wagered she'd never be so glad to see snow as she would be when they finally returned to Skyhold. A loud screech cut through the air and she stumbled, slamming her hands against her ears at the sheer volume of the sound.

"What the fuck!" Rhys yelled at the same time Blackwall called out, "Dragon!"

"Cover, cover, cover!" Shai shouted and her team dove for any nearby foliage or rock to conceal themselves behind. In the end their efforts were not needed as Shai looked to the skies to see the great yellow beast soaring high above their heads, unconcerned with their meager presence. She watched it disappear over a ridge behind them, a gust of wind buffeting her from the dragon's flapping wings.

"I really friggin' hate those things," Sera muttered as they all rose to their feet.

"Why, love? Aren't you sharp and quick with your bow?" 

"Hey!" Cassandra shouted as Sera balled her hand into a fist, murder in her eyes. "If the both of you are quite finished!"

"Fight later, lets get this done with first," Blackwall said, re-sheathing the sword he'd pulled at the dragon's appearance. They finished closing the distance between them and the ritual tower, cresting the last dune that lay between them and part of whatever misfortune was befalling the Grey Wardens.

"There they are," Shai said as she pointed at two figures coming towards them. She and her team closed the distance to Stroud and Hawke, the seven of them meeting in the middle. 

"What's the situation?" Shai asked immediately. 

"It doesn't look good," Stroud sighed. "We've been watching the Wardens arrive in pairs since we got here. I fear they've already started the ritual." 

"Blood magic I'd wager," Hawke spit. "You can smell it...or see the corpses."

"We need to get in there now," Cassandra declared emphatically. "If they are indeed using blood magic that cannot be allowed to stand."

"You take point, I'll guard your backs," Hawke offered, pulling his staff from his back. They all followed suit with their weapons, holding hilts and shields, staves, and bow grips in palms gone sweaty with anticipation. Stroud walked alongside Shai as they passed through the initial archway of the tower. Blackwall, Rhys, Sera, and Cassandra fanned out behind them with Hawke lingering behind.

The sun beat down on them in earnest as they crossed a small length of bridge and came to a good expanse of stairs. 

"Ready?" Stroud asked, looking Shai in the eye. The Grey Warden's own gaze held a mix of sorrow for his fellow comrades and anger for whatever had lured them there. Shai nodded and they began the ascent, sticking to the sides of the stairs as much as possible to avoid creating too large a target directly in the center. Neither knew exactly what to expect once they reached the top. 

The stench hit Shai before they were even halfway up the stairs; it curdled her stomach and made her gag, intensified by the heat of the Approach. 

"Maker's balls," Blackwall swore from behind them, his voice choked. 

"Breathe through you mouth," Cassandra advised, her tone sickened. 

Shai reached to grab the front of the scarf that lay just above her chest plate and dragged the material up over her nose. Even then she couldn't entirely block the rancid scent of bodies dead and decaying. She gagged as she tried to take a breath past her lips, feeling like she was suffocating on death.

"Let's hurry," she forced out, quickening her pace. Stroud matched her stride for stride and they were clearing the top stair before long. What greeted them was the source of the egregious smell; Grey Wardens lay in bloody heaps, their armor stained crimson while flies fluttered over them, the fat, black bugs landing on blank, staring faces and open, pale lips.

"Fuck," Stroud ground out, his hands tightening on his sword. "Fuck."

"Easy brother," Blackwall cautioned from behind them. "Stay strong...there's a good man."

Shai dragged her eyes away from the corpses beyond any help, focusing her attention on the commotion at the furthest end of the tower. _Demons_. She could see the shades cornering something, their claws flexing. 

"Wardens," Stroud hissed and Shai took notice of the men she'd overlooked initially. There were four altogether, three standing between the shades, and the fourth was what was being cornered.  

"Please...please, no," the cornered Warden begged. He was flush against the walls of the ritual tower, hands outstretched in supplication. "Gregor, please its me, its Samuel. Maker, we're friends! We joined the Wardens together! We came all the way from South Reach, just the two of us, remember? Andraste save me, Gregor please don't do this!"

Shai's heart clenched at the Warden Samuel's desperate pleas and she took a step forward, immediately halted by Stroud's arm thrown in front of her.

"Wait," he said, although his own voice was thick with regret. A fifth man stepped into view suddenly, although he was clearly not part of the Grey Warden ranks. He was garbed in white robes with a pompous high collar that rose partway above the back of his head. His shins, arms, and chest were encased in armor that bore a red tint and the steel flashed in the sun as he clasped his hands behind his back.

"Warden-Commander Clarel's orders were clear."

Samuel whipped around at this new man's entrance, gazing up as the man stood on a platform elevated above the rest. "This is wrong! We are Wardens, we don't do this kind of thing!" Samuel's voice wobbled in his clear panic and cracked on the last word. Shai's grip on her staff tightened and she tensed to surge forward and save the man but Stroud's arm still remained holding her back. The man in white robes smiled sardonically and look down upon Samuel with mock concern. 

"Remember your oath," the man chided. "In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death..."

Shai's lips curled as the man blasphemed the Warden vows; he filled them with mockery and they had always been some of her favorite vows ever since she had first heard them. She longed to bury her fist in the man's haughty face, see if he could still talk around a mouthful of broken teeth.

The Warden Gregor whom Samuel had been pleading with stepped forward and turned Samuel about by the shoulder. He said something that was too low for Shai to hear before he raised the dagger in his hand and plunged it into his friend's neck. Samuel choked on the blade that was steadfastly ending his life in this world as he sank to his knees, his hands blindly clutching at Gregor's armor.

"Sacrifice," the man in the white robes spoke again, completing the Warden vows as Samuel's body lay on the tower's floor, blood jetting from the wound in his neck. The dying Warden twitched spasmodically, his hands grasping feebly at his gushing wound.

"Andraste have mercy," Cassandra breathed over Shai's shoulders as some of Samuel's shed blood pooled in mid air, twisting and turning compactly. Shai's heart dropped and bile rose in her throat as the pool of blood compressed into a flash of light that yielded a rage demon, spit from the green maw of the Fade. The flaming creature roared as it surged into life, its eyes burning madly.

"Good," the robed man complimented. "Now bind it just as I showed you."

The Warden Gregor raised his hand, his appendage swirling with a faint, green light. The rage demon screamed hollowly as it was bent in half, its claws striking against the tower floor.

"Enough," Stroud growled and leapt forward, Shai right behind him. She heard her team following suit, their boots slapping against stone. They caught the attention of the man in the white robes almost instantaneously and instead of the hostility Shai expected, he simply smiled at them although it didn't reach his eyes.

"Inquisitor," he greeted cordially as if they had just met at a garden party instead of in the middle of a blood magic ritual. "What an unexpected pleasure. Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium at your service." Erimond completed his introduction with a theatrical, over done bow. He straightened with a contemptuous grin in place.

"Of course this idjits from Tevinter," Sera muttered unhappily, the sound of her nocking an arrow subtle yet audible.

"You are no Warden," Stroud challenged Erimond, pointing his sword at the Vyrantium native.

"But you are," Erimond retorted, coming down the stairs adjoined to the platform on which he stood. "The one. Clarel. Let. Slip...such a misfortunate accident. Ah but look, here you are, unable to stay away. And you've brought the Inquisitor with you, I presume to stop me? Shall we see how that goes?"

"Wardens stand down!" Stroud commanded in a last ditch attempt. "The Call you are hearing, it is not the real thing!" 

"Its because of Corypheus," Shai jumped in. "He's an ancient Tevinter Magister and he's trying to destroy the world." 

"And this man is serving him," Stroud finished, shooting daggers at Erimond who merely laughed at the accusations. 

"My those are some very serious claims indeed. Let's see what the Wardens think." Erimond looked at the living Wardens still before him the way a cat might look at a particularly juicy mouse. "Wardens hands up! Hands down!"

The Wardens followed Erimond's instructions, their arms raising and falling obediently at his commands.

"Corypheus has their minds!" Stroud said angrily through clenched teeth. "The bastard's taken control of them." 

"No, no, no, no," Erimond corrected with a short bark of laughter. "They did this to themselves. You see, the Calling had the Wardens terrified--" 

"The Calling that isn't real," Shai interrupted resolutely. She was very close to charging across the space between them and wiping this Corypheus servant off the face of Thedas. His callous disregard for the man who he'd just had slaughtered made her blood boil and she was beyond the point of placidity in this situation.

"That's a lie! Grey Wardens are heroes! They would never do this willingly!" Blackwall defended, his deep timbre booming through the air. 

"As I was saying," Erimond continued dismissively. "The Calling had the Wardens terrified and they looked _everywhere_ for help."

"Even Tevinter," Cassandra sneered, stepping out from behind Shai and Stroud to stand next them. "How convenient." 

"Yes. And since it was my master who put the Calling into their little heads, we in the Venatori were prepared. I went to Clarel full of sympathy and, together, we came up with a pan. Raise a demon army, march into the Deep Roads, and kill the Old Gods before they wake."

"Are none of you hearing this?!" Blackwall called out, coming up beside Shai, his gaze on the Wardens who stood glassy eyed and vacant. "This man is leading you to your deaths!" 

"Please, you must fight this!" Stroud urged vehemently

The abject anger of the two Wardens powerless to stop the free fall towards destruction of their brethren burned palpably, and Shai felt the deepest of sympathies for Stroud and Blackwall. She understood their frustration for she'd felt the same way back at Redcliffe listening to Fiona say she'd given the Mages to Alexius on a silver platter.

"The demon army is hardly a novelty anymore," Shai commented drily, her sarcasm sharp and biting as her pulse thudded in her ears. "I've been hearing that plan for a bit now." 

"Yes," Erimond drawled uninterested. "But now you know how it begins. Sadly for the Wardens, the binding ritual I taught their Mages has a side effect. They're now my master's slaves. This was a test. Once the rest of the Wardens complete the ritual, the army will conquer Thedas. 

"What in the fuck do any of you who help Corypheus get out of the fucking world falling apart?" Shai yelled in actual curiosity at what drove crazy people nowadays. "He's trying to unleash a fucking Blight, how does that help you?!"

"First off my master is not simply trying, he is succeeding," Erimond boasted proudly. "And to answer your short-minded question, the Elder One _commands_ the Blight. He isn't _commanded_ by it like the mindless Darkspawn. The Blight is not unstoppable or uncontrollable, it is simply a tool."  

"Somebody's certainly a tool," Rhys commented contemptuously. 

"As for me, while the Elder One rules from the Golden city, we Venatori will be his God-Kings here in the world." 

"Well you're a bat-shit pain in the arse just like the rest of 'em," Sera snarled. "What're you waitin' for? End this idiot!" 

"Oh I'd like to see you try," Erimond taunted and stretched a hand towards them, his palm flashing red with dark magic. Shai's mark gave a leap into activity and she clutched her wrist as a spasm shot through her left arm. _No, no, no, no not again_. Her knees bit painfully into stone as she went down, completely at Erimond's mercy.

"The Elder One showed me how to deal with you," Erimond spat as a flare of pain hit Shai and she cried out around clenched teeth, partly determined not to give Corypheus's servant the satisfaction of hurting her. "That mark you bear? The Anchor that lets you pass safely through the Veil? You stole that from my Master. He's been forced to seek other ways to access the Fade. When I bring him your head his gratitude will be--" 

His tirade was cut short as Shai pushed to her feet and poured all her focus into the mark. The sudden burst of power severed the connection between Erimond's magic and herself and he was thrown backward with a startled yell. He struggled to his feet, arm clutching his side, his face twisted in rage.

"Kill them!" He hissed, making a run for it and disappearing around the side of the ritual tower. Shai and her team made to follow but were blocked by the remaining Wardens and their bound demons, who had been standing complacently by during the duration of the exchange with Erimond.

"Brothers, I don't wish to fight you," Stroud tried one last time. "We all served in the same armor. If you surrender, you will be spared."

The Wardens stared at them blankly and unhooked staves from their backs as a unit, their mana charging the air. 

"They're not listening," Blackwall stated as he shifted his shield on his arm. "Maker bless their souls."

They charged, meeting the Wardens in a clash of steel and spells. Shai and Rhys stayed on the outskirts of the battle, bolstering Cassandra, Blackwall, and Stroud with unending barriers against the close handed fighting with the demons. Sera meanwhile hopped about, flashing in and out of stealth as she sent lines of arrows to bury themselves in the Warden mages. In a few minutes, it was over; three more Wardens joined their already dead comrades on the cold, unyielding floor of the ritual tower.

Stroud sighed when the last demon was slain, his blade covered in black blood. He cleaned it on the pant leg of the nearest body, eyes averted from his task in distaste.

"You alright, love?" Rhys asked Shai, nodding at her left hand. She flexed it experimentally and found nothing out of the ordinary. 

"Fine," she confirmed. _And hopefully it isn't spreading again because I don't know what the fuck he just did_. 

"So, that went well," Hawke said drily as he approached from where he'd stood guard. "Sounds like everyone was agreeable to surrender as usual."

"You were right," Stroud said, looking at the Champion, his face haggard and strained. "The Mages, they were slaves to Corypheus through the ritual."

"And the Warden warriors?" Hawke asked. When no one responded, he exhaled mightily. "Oh, right. How could I forget. It's not _real_ blood magic until someone gets sacrificed." 

Shai shook her head slowly, trying to comprehend the latest pile of shit they'd discovered in the long line of piles of shit Corypheus had created. "Human sacrifices, demon summoning, who the fuck looks at this and thinks this is a good idea? I mean really, who in the hell is coming up with this stuff?" 

"The fearful and the foolish," Hawke answered.

"The Wardens were wrong," Blackwall said. "None of this is ever the way. But they are being misled."

"Misled? Misled is what you say when someone steals for a living because they believe thievery is the only way to survive. This is not being misled, this is desperation and stupidity."

"Hawke, the Wardens had their reasons," Stroud tried to mediate. Hawke scoffed and crossed his arms, the scowl on his face deepening.

"All blood Mages do," he said bitterly. "Everyone has a story they tell themselves to justify bad decisions. I should know, I've heard enough of them. And it never matters. In the end you are _always_ alone with your actions."  

Stroud sighed and looked away from the Champion, addressing Shai. "I believe I know where the Wardens are, your Worship. Erimond fled in that direction. There's an abandoned Warden fortress that way, Adamant." 

Shai nodded. It sounded plausible and Stroud would probably know better than she. "We need to catch up to him." 

"Stroud and I will scout ahead," Hawke volunteered. "We'll confirm the other Wardens are there and meet you back at Skyhold once we do. I'd suggest telling that lovely Knight-Captain to get his ducks all in a line. We're probably going to be looking at a siege soon."

"You're tired," Blackwall said before Shai could speak. "Perhaps you should accompany us back to the forward camp? You've been riding day and night since you left us on the road here. It won't do any good if one of you keels over from exhaustion."

Stroud looked at Hawke who in turn looked at the Warden and both men nodded infinitesimally. 

"Thank you Warden Blackwall," Stroud accepted. The six of them returned to the camp situated between high rising ridges, taking turns cleaning the battle grime from their skin in the nearby pond. The heat of the Approach began to decline by the time the sun sunk lower in the sky and evening fell. Shai sat on a log in just her shirt and breeches, hoping a breeze would blow through their near vicinity soon. 

"Eventful day we've had," Rhys said dropping down next to her but favoring the soft sand over the hardness of the log. "There's never a dull moment with you people is there?" 

"I hate to break it to you, but you're part of that group now." 

"Eh, I prefer to come and go," Rhys said with a grin. "Feel like I'll live longer that way." 

Shai grunted and lowered herself into the sand alongside her friend, resting her back against the log. "This whole thing is such a shit show." 

"You're telling me?" The Mage laughed drily. Shai sighed and leaned her head back to look at the dimming sky. The blue of the day had given way to a pale orange-yellow, heralding sunset. If she looked hard she could just begin to make out some early comers of the star variety. She closed her eyes and listened to the customary sounds of camp, catching a whiff of the stew some scouts were preparing for the evening meal. She hoped there wasn't any hyena in it or, even worse, quillback; she couldn't imagine the aggressive creatures tasting even the least bit good. 

A raven's screech caused her to crack her eyes open and observe the black bird circling above them. It dropped lower with every rotation it completed in the sky and she sat up when she recognized it for the Inquisition bird it was. There was a shout of awareness from one of the scouts as the bird flitted closer to their camp. Finally it hovered, its beady eyes searching for an arm or perch. It spotted the T shaped stand designated for it and landed, a small roll of paper attached to its leg. 

Shai watched Scout Harding approach the raven, the dwarf cooing sweet nothings to the bird as she detached the missive from its leg. She unfurled it and her green eyes scanned from left to right as she read. Her gaze came up and she started towards Shai, who pushed to her feet. 

"For fuck's sake, we're already busy with something," Rhys muttered from by her feet.

"Report for you, your Worship," Harding said, handing the small parchment over. Shai took it and scanned the missive, recognizing Leliana's precise hand writing. There were only five lines to read and she closed her eyes for patience once she'd skimmed over them.

"What's it say?" Rhys asked, nudging her leg with his arm.

"They want us home already," Shai grumbled. 

"Well, I'll need a nap before we take that trip again. Need my beauty sleep. You should probably invest in some too love, you're starting to look a bit peaky. Hey!"

Rhys spluttered as Shai kicked a load of sand onto him before she headed towards her other companions.

"Rest up," she said once within earshot. "We're wanted back at Skyhold."

"Why?" Cassandra asked with raised brows, her brown eyes skeptical beneath the dark arches.

"Josephine's got us invitations to the Winter Palace," Shai said, dragging a hand down her face. "The missive said as soon as we see fit to leave, we should." 

"But we only just got to this wasted place. If they didn't want us to leave in the first place why couldn't they make up their stupid minds before we left? Bunch of daft advisors you've got," Sera weighed in absently as she counted the number of arrows left in her quiver.

"Josephine's achieved that already?" Cassandra asked. "I didn't think it would be so soon." 

"Our Ambassador works fast," Blackwall said, his eyes unreadable. 

"She does," Shai grumbled, though in this case that was more curse than blessing. Performing an abrupt turn around after just spending two weeks in the saddle made her posterior ache with trepidation. The missive _had_ said as soon as they saw fit to leave, but she could read between the lines and understand it really meant now.

"At least we've dealt with the Wardens temporarily," the Seeker stated. "It would be in poor taste to leave such important business unfinished."  

"And Stroud and I will be here in your absence," Hawke said from where he lounged nearby. "I highly doubt the invitation extends to us."

"Perhaps Cullen can send some men here as well," Blackwall suggested. "That'll help hold things over." 

Once upon a time Shai would have kicked herself for the thrill of warmth that shot through her at hearing the Commander's name, but not now. _You're such a girl_ , she laughed mentally at herself. 

"When do we leave?" Sera asked, tongue sticking out from the side of her mouth in concentration as she cleaned underneath her fingernails with the tip of one of her arrowheads. 

"At dawn," Shai decided. "Let's just get this over with."   


	37. Perseverance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, no promises BUT I have part of the next chapter written so I might, just might be able to throw it up later today if I find time to finish it. But I wanted to get this one out to ya'll early instead of the late night updates I've been doing :)

It had been one month, two weeks, five days, and one hour since the Inquisitor had been back at Skyhold; Cullen knew this because he'd been taking mental stock of how long he'd been dodging Shai. He'd perfected ducking into out of the way alcoves when he saw her coming, gotten quite smooth at pretending to be engrossed in conversation with passerby when she was near, and thoroughly sunk himself under layers of paperwork that he very rarely emerged from. And overall, he was thoroughly miserable. 

Not only did he miss her presence immensely but the dreams of her had gotten worse instead of abating like he'd hoped. He'd taken to staying up through most nights, his tired, burning eyes watching dawn crack across the land. He would catch quick naps here and there, nothing too long but enough to keep him on his feet. His mind wasn't as sharp as it usually was and more than not he found himself zoning out during troop exercises. He'd been getting concerned looks from his men and frowns from Rylen but it wasn't like he could explain to them what caused his dilemma.

How could he even go about saying what lurked in his mind in the deep, twisting realm of sleep? How could he ever explain to someone that he dreamt of the Inquisitor coming to him--wanting and needing him to ravish her body--and that that quickly turned into him murdering her? It wasn't as if he could discuss these nightmares with anyone else. They'd think him direly unstable and in need of immediate help or, at the very least, a threat to the Inquisitor's safety. 

So he suffered in silence, keeping his darkest memories to himself, keeping them carefully locked tight away in his mind. He could only hope with time they'd get better and that soon he'd be able to relax into his bed without holding himself rigid in trepidation. But for now, he couldn't let Shai in; he couldn't even look her in the eye without feeling shame wash over him and choke the air from his lungs.

He'd come to admire her personality, her strength, her determination, the soft side he'd been privy to when she was naked in his arms; his mind had been full of her while she'd been gone, concerned for her well-being so far from home.  _But what would she do if she knew how you dreamt of her_ , the inner voice he could never rid himself of had taunted.  _What would she do? So unworthy of her you are, Commander. Unworthy, broken, damaged, dangerous..._

When Shai had first returned from the Approach, sunburned but alive and in one piece, he'd wanted to do nothing more than meet her away from prying eyes and kiss her until they were both drunk on the presence and closeness of the other. And from the look she'd given him when she'd first ridden through Skyhold's gates, she'd wanted the same. But then his eyes had fallen from her face to her neck and he'd remembered, in vivid detail, his hands clenched around the smooth skin, how his fingers had buried themselves in her flesh. 

He'd suddenly been accosted with the coppery scent of her blood as it spilled from her chest, remnants of the time he'd dreamt he'd buried his blade between her breasts. His skin had broken out in a cold, profuse sweat and he'd swallowed roughly in a mouth gone bone dry. Cullen had excused himself from the welcome committee and disappeared into the confines of Skyhold, trying not to think how Shai's eyes had flashed in confusion at his abrupt departure.

When he'd finally circled back around to mixed company, he'd been resolute in his decision that he needed to put some space between he and Shai--for her safety--no matter how much he wanted to draw her into his arms and banish his inner demons by proving that he could never, ever lay a harmful hand on her. But he couldn't risk her life, and he was willing to weather through the confusion and hurt he knew were probably swirling through her as she pondered his inattention. He hadn't been impervious to the weight of her gaze on him whenever they were within eyesight of each other.

She had given up on trying to catch him alone, having exhausted herself attempting that in the initial days she'd been back from the Approach. It made his chest tight thinking of how she was viewing his abrupt distance. But how could he tell her that there wasn't someone else or a loss of interest? That it was his own demented, tormented past coming to haunt him that kept him from her? One day, when he was the man he knew he could be once all this was over, he would come back to what they had...if even the tiniest shreds of it were still there, if she still felt anything for him by then...

He'd known the lyrium leaving his system would eventually cause problems. He knew he'd probably feel driven mad at points. But he'd been doing fairly okay! It wasn't fair, damnit! He'd been over the initial hump by the time Shai had fallen from the Fade; he'd vomited and sweated, cursed and prayed, his mind sunk into delirium. But he'd come out the other side with renewed determination, believing he'd conquered the worst of the withdrawal.

How naive he'd been. He should have seen that his body's temper tantrum over the initial loss of the blue liquid was nothing compared to what would come. That the symptoms of loss would double in intensity, in frequency, and make him wish he would die--sometimes--if only for relief when he was in the worst of it. How naive and foolish and stupid--

"Commander? Are ye doin' alright? Yer lookin' a bit worse fer wear," Rylen asked as he settled a hand on Cullen's shoulder. Cullen looked to his second in command, a mustache of sweat on the Commander's upper lip.

"Fine Rylen. I appreciate the concern."

Rylen grunted and stepped away, returning to his supervision of the troops. Today they were down in the frozen valley below Skyhold. Not all the troops could fit within the fortress and so half of Cullen's forces were camped in tents along a snaking, iced over river. Consequently due to the openness of the valley, there was far more room to practice sparring. Skyhold had a ring installed but it was small and only allowed a few men in it at a time. 

Here in the valley Cullen could oversee multiple groups of his soldiers training. And sometimes he just liked to get out of the confines of the stone walls looking down at them now from Skyhold's perch. It wasn't a hot day but he was feeling a little faint and had called for a cup of water a while back. He held the empty tin in his hand now, almost forgetting its presence as he instructed his men.

"You there," he called to one soldier. "That sword won't do you any good holding it like that. You're going to get yourself--"

Cullen broke off as a sudden flare of pain in his head made him grunt. He bent forward slightly at the waist, bracing his hands against his thighs, the tin cup falling from his grasp.

"Commander? Is everything alright?" The soldier asked, she and her partner halting their sparring for the time being.

"Fine," Cullen said gruffly, waving his hand to dispel their concern. "Return to your practice."

They heeded his words as the sound of steel clash against steel resumed once more. Cullen blinked away the black spots before his vision and drew in deep gulps of mountain air. _Breathe, breathe, breathe_ , he instructed himself. _Breathe_. His palms started to sweat within his gloves and he felt perspiration break out across his forehead. _Don't happen here. Maker please, don't let this happen here._ He needed to sit down for a spell.

"Rylen," he called out hoarsely.

"Commander? You alright?" Rylen asked as he once more appeared at Cullen's side.

"Take over for me, I believe I need to--"

Cullen's vision swam dangerously and he stumbled to the side. Instantly Rylen's hands were on him, steadying his body.

"Easy," the second-in-command said. "Just take her easy, Commander."

"I'll be fine," Cullen gulped as he waited for the ground to stop wavering before his eyes. Maybe if he said that enough out loud it would magically be true. As it was, he thought he might vomit soon. _What's happening to me_ , he thought in a panic. _It wasn't this bad a day ago_. _No, no, no, no_. He felt frustrated, hopeless tears abruptly prick his eyes and he blinked them furiously away. He would fight this feeling, he would win, he would endure. He was better than the addiction that was trying to take his very essence from him.

"I'm fine now," Cullen repeated, straightening beneath Rylen's assistance. "I'm fine. Just a little light headedness."

Rylen looked skeptical and he regarded Cullen warily. "Maybe you should lay down for a bit?"

"No," Cullen nearly barked. "I'll be alright. It was nothing. It was--"

His entire body broke out into a cold sweat as nausea assaulted his senses. He had a moment to be utterly surprised at how quickly he'd been taken out of commission, and then the ground was rushing up to meet him.

+++++++

Cullen frowned against the stream of light that assaulted his closed lids, daring to slit one eye open. He made out the confines of a stone walled room, filled with shelves jars of herbs, and that he was undoubtedly laying on a cot within. A chair was pulled up beside him and in it sat--

With a sleepy mutter that he hoped sounded genuine he rolled over slowly, his back now presented to the chair. He snuggled further into the pillow beneath his head, trying to relax his shoulders that had automatically tensed at what he saw.

"You can stop pretending you're asleep, Cullen. I know you're awake."

He gave another sleepy mutter, hoping once more that it passed muster. A disgusted noise met his ears and he knew he wasn't fooling anyone, least of all the Seeker. 

"Lieutenant Rylen came to get me when you fainted in the middle of troop exercise," Cassandra stated bluntly, her voice hard and irritated. Cullen sighed wearily as he opened his eyes and accepted he would have to get this over with.

"I didn't faint," he grumbled in defiance, though he knew being obstinate wouldn't get him very far. There was a whole company of soldiers to back up Rylen's account. They had all seen the same thing: their Commander passing out, no doubt having to be carried back into Skyhold to the healer's quarters. He inhaled stiffly, embarrassed so many had seen him at such a weak, vulnerable point.

"You did faint, Cullen. You fainted and you looked for all the world like you were dead," Cassandra continued, bulldozing ahead. "Does your health mean so little to you?"

Cullen huffed and sat up, scrubbing his hands over his face. The blanket that had been covering him fell to pool in his lap, and he gave thanks that whoever had undressed him from his armor had allowed him to keep his undershirt. He looked to the Seeker, saw the stern set to her jaw, the flashing eyes, the crossed arms, the tense muscles and knew he had to come clean; he wouldn't leave this cot--or room--without enduring the inquisition to end all inquisitions: Cassandra Pentaghast.

"I'm not doing well," he mumbled and Cassandra snorted.

" _That_ is an understatement. How could you be so careless? Do you not realize what is at stake? We need our Commander to be setting an example, not gambling his life away!"

"I know," Cullen said hollowly.

"No you don't," Cassandra snapped. "If you did you would have been taking care of yourself and _this_ would not have happened. Your men are direly worried you have taken ill and the Inquisitor--"

"What about her?" Cullen interrupted hastily, catching the narrowed look Cassandra gave him at his eager question. _Tell me, tell me,_ he wanted to demand.  

"The Inquisitor has been imploring the healers to allow her in to see you so that she may wring some answers from your stubborn hide. I volunteered to do it for her, however." 

"Lucky me," Cullen muttered. 

"This isn't funny, Cullen," the Seeker reprimanded his sarcastic comment. "This is serious. What is going on?" 

"Nothing. I was just tired is all." 

"Bullshit," Cassandra barked and Cullen jumped at the epithet. In all the time he'd known Cassandra, he couldn't remember her swearing so readily. He, on the other hand, could have a mouth at times that would put a sailor to shame, though he worked to keep it hidden. "Something is not right and until you tell me, you are _not_ leaving this room."

 _Knew it; one point for me_ , Cullen thought drily. He swung his body so that his legs draped over the edge of the cot and he was fully facing the Seeker. He braced his forearms on his thighs, letting his hands dangle loosely in between his legs. He didn't feel as weak as he had in the moments before he'd blacked out and he suspected he'd been allowed to recover at his leisure.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Do not try and change the subject."

"I just wanted to know, Seeker. That's all," Cullen said flatly. Every second that passed filled him with a deep seated anxiety about having to confess what secrets he'd been trying to keep concealed. He trusted Cassandra, knew she was a good woman with an even better head on her shoulders. And he'd already pondered coming clean to her before, knowing he would have to at some point. But he'd always envisioned it happening on his terms, not allowing himself to get so far out of control that it was forced upon him. 

Cassandra regarded him shrewdly then huffed and shifted in her chair, leaning forward to brace her left hand on one thigh while her right forearm lay across the other. 

"A few hours. Not very long." 

"Who uh...who all saw me like...like that?" 

"I do not know. By the time Lieutenant Rylen came to get me, you'd already been taken to the healer."

As Cullen's brows drew together in consternation and he looked at the ground as he flushed in utter mortification, he heard Cassandra sigh placatingly.

"I'm sure not many were in the courtyard when you were brought in. There was no fanfare that I am aware of. I would imagine your Lieutenant took care of matters discreetly."

"That's all I can hope for," Cullen murmured so quietly he wasn't even sure if the Seeker had heard him. To be seen being carried like some invalid...he deflated a bit at the thought he had appeared helpless in front of so many. His inner pain was not something he wanted to be shared with the entirety of Skyhold. He was a private man and this occurrence humiliated him deeply.

"What is going on?" Cassandra implored, softer now, bringing the conversation back to the more important matters.

"I--" Cullen began and stopped. He swallowed against the pin pricks of tears that sprang unbidden to needle his eyes. He wouldn't cry damnit, this wasn't that serious. He was fighting a battle, that was all. He'd been fighting for years, this would be no different. Confessing his predicament was not something that warranted tears. It warranted his anger at the lyrium that had seemed so insignificant at first but what was stealing his semblance of life away. 

He should be infuriated that the cool, blue draught was depriving him of peace. He should be enraged that he couldn't go a single night without dreaming terrible, horrible, unspeakable things about someone for whom he cared. He needed to be mad, he needed to hold on to that boiling emotion and use it to fuel his determination to break free. He didn't need to be sad. Maker, he didn't need to be so broken down. But he was tired, more tired than he'd initially realized. And he could see the end of his rope clearer than he'd ever seen it before suddenly.

"Cullen," Cassandra prompted gently and he met her eyes, seeing the hostility that had inhabited her gaze had fled. In its place was genuine concern, the brown of her irises promising to keep whatever he chose to unburden himself of just between them. What he saw loosened the knot his tongue had tied itself into and he found he could not get the words out fast enough, could not confess his transgressions rapidly enough. He started at the beginning, back at Haven, unwilling to leave anything out.

He was barely drawing breath between sentences, letting everything fall into the air between he and the Seeker and pollute it with the depravity of his conscience save for the dreams of Shai; those would remain his and his alone. He was stumbling over his words, not ultimately caring if he was making complete sense, only that he was conveying what grabbed at him with desperate claws, trying to pull him into its dark embrace. He jumped from the cot--not content to remain sitting--pacing furiously to and fro, his bare feet slapping against the floor of the healer's quarters. 

When he finished his confession, Cassandra was sitting as quietly as any statue he'd ever seen. Her eyes were hard, expression unreadable, and she hadn't made a sound since he'd begun his tirade. 

"I had no idea it was like this. You could have come to me," were the words finally ushered forth from the Seeker's mouth. Cullen stared at the woman before him, his chest heaving with the exertion of his rant.

"I couldn't," he confessed raggedly. "It was my burden to bear."

"And yet I could have helped shoulder some of it." 

"Cassandra--"

"Cullen, what you are doing is a serious matter. You could have died, you could still die."

Cullen didn't even flinch at the honest truth, having come to grips with what lay for him in the realm of failure long ago. 

"I know," he affirmed. "I'm well aware of the risks." 

"But you are doing nothing to help prevent them! By your account, you've been depriving yourself of sleep more than usual and forgetting to eat--"

"Not forgetting," Cullen interrupted. "Sometimes I...I just can't. The smells of food, the thought of swallowing it...it makes me feel sick to my stomach."

"There are potions for nausea, you could have had some made."

"They wouldn't have helped," he was quick to say, although he didn't know that for sure. Perhaps some soothing concoction could have aided him. Cassandra shook her head at his denial.

"Whatever may be true or not true, this cannot be allowed to continue any longer."

Cullen's blood froze in his veins and his pulse thudded loudly in his ears.  

"Seeker I--"

"You _will_ start to take your health seriously from now on. You _will not_ skip anymore meals unless you are physically incapable of eating but even should an occasion like that arise, someone will be sent to feed you. You _will_ start to get enough sleep; your work can wait until the morning. And you _will_  submit to weekly examinations by a healer I will pick who can be discreet on the subject. Are we clear, Commander?" 

Cassandra's terms and conditions assaulted his ears as she rose from her chair to face him fully, her arms crossed formidably across her chest, expression booking no argument. 

"I--"

"Are. We. Clear. Commander." 

"Yes," Cullen said after a few beats.

He didn't know whether to be thankful he had someone like Cassandra to watch over him--even when he refused help--or whether he should curse the fact that he wouldn't be left to defeat the beast of withdrawal on his own. He didn't want people probing into his troubles. He especially didn't want some healer poking and prodding him every week to report back to the Seeker that he wouldn't be dropping dead on them anytime soon. 

"Good," Cassandra said with a short nod.

She came towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He almost gaped at the contact; Cassandra Pentaghast was not fond of touching unless strictly necessary, and even then...

"I will be with you every step of the way. When you feel like you cannot go on, I will be here. The times you might think you would rather give up, I will push you through. You have come far from your beginnings. That is admirable Cullen, most could not make that type of progress, not with giving up lyrium completely. I believe in you."

Her speech over and done with, Cassandra stepped back. Cullen looked at her, a surge of gratitude and affection welling in his chest. But then he frowned, uncertain of some terms. 

"What I'm going through, what is happening to me, I don't want anyone else to know."

"Understood," Cassandra stated. 

"The Inquisitor--"

"Will be yours to tell when and how you choose," the Seeker said, reading his mind. Cullen breathed easier knowing Shai would be kept in the dark a little while longer on how truly broken a person he was. And if he had his way, she would never find out what was ailing him. She would only see him reborn from the darkness a complete man, something he hadn't been for some time now. 

"Thank you Seeker," Cullen said quietly. Cassandra nodded again and grunted in confirmation of his gratitude. Only the softening of her eyes betrayed her tough exterior. 

"Get some rest. I expect you'll try and be back on your feet soon whether you should be or not," Cassandra advised, bypassing Cullen to head towards the door. As her fingers grasped the handle, a stray thought wound its way into Cullen's head and he couldn't stop his mouth from calling the Seeker back.

"Watch me?"

"What?" Cassandra turned with a frown.

"Will you watch me," Cullen repeated earnestly, eyes searching the Seeker's face.

"I have already told you I will be keeping an eye on--"

"No, not just like that." He swallowed roughly, closing his eyes as he accepted what he'd been reduced to. If Cassandra wanted to monitor his health then so be it. But he knew there were other things that needed to be observed closely in connection with him. "Will you watch me as...as Commander?"

"I don't understand."

"If my ability to lead is...compromised, will you find a replacement? Like we agreed upon before all of this?" Cullen forced out through clenched teeth, his muscles rigid.

It pained him to admit that he could one day prove unfit to serve the Inquisition, that one day he might have to relinquish his office to someone more capable, someone not on the cusp of falling into the abyss. But it was selflessness that caused him to dredge up the pact he and Cassandra had made when she'd first recruited him because above all he wanted the Inquisition to succeed. And if he couldn't be there to help it do so, then he damn well wanted the Seeker to make sure someone could.

"Cullen, you are withdrawing but you are not yet at such a stage as your leadership needing to be reassigned."

"Time is a fickle thing," Cullen muttered. "And I don't know how much of it I have. I will still do my best to the Inquisition, of that there will never need be any doubt. But if I should start to slip...if I should start to fall--"

"I understand. If the time should come where such a thing as a replacement is needed, then I will find them. But I do not expect you to go down without a fight."

With that, Cassandra yanked the door to the healer's quarters open. Sunlight flooded the room and Cullen shielded his eyes at the sudden assault on his retinas. The door slammed shut and the Seeker was gone. Cullen dragged a hand over his face and wandered back to the cot, dropping onto it heavily. He stared at the floor, alone with his thoughts. 


	38. Preparations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon my poor imitation of an Orlesian accent in this :)  
> Teensy, tiny chance I might edit parts of this to make it flow better but I'm hoping to leave it alone. It took me foreverrrr to write, major writer's block occurred.  
> But happy late Thanksgiving to everyone ^.^ hope you had a fun turkey day and stuffed your beautiful faces

Shai jerked and squirmed as Josephine's hired tailor--come from (where else?) Orlais--yanked the strings of her under-bust corset tighter.

"Merde! Mademoiselle, s'il vous-plaît. If you would just stand still."

"It's. Too. Tight," Shai bit out through clenched teeth, her hands tightening on the post of her bed. Josephine had finally cornered her--after almost a week of evasion on Shai's part--and forced her to come for her dress fitting. Celene's ball was just weeks away and the Ambassador was turning grey educating each person accompanying them to the ball on proper etiquette as well as getting everyone fitted for their outfits.

It didn't help Josephine's case much that all of Shai's companions--plus Cordelia, regrettably--were attending the Winter Palace. The Ambassador was fit to be tied trying to make sure every single thing came out according to plan and Shai did not envy the Antivan one bit. She didn't envy herself currently either. Her nails dug into her bed's post and she grunted as the tailor gave another tug of the corset strings. 

"Think happy thoughtz, Mademoiselle. It will all be over soon." 

Shai bit back the _fuck you_ that was on the cusp of her tongue; she doubted the _male_ tailor had ever had his ribs compressed this hard before. She hadn't worn a corset for going on eight years now and she realized she'd taken her corset free life for granted. _It's only for one night, it's only for one night_ , she tried to appease herself and when that didn't work, _its for a good cause, its for a good_ \--  

"There, voilà! C'est fini." The tailor stepped back to appraise the minuscule dimensions Shai's waist had receded to under his pulling and tugging. Her breasts were pushed unusually high and she felt a tad light headed as she turned to face the Orlesian and the Ambassador, who stood a little ways away observing. Shai tried to draw a full breath and found her lungs uncomfortably restricted. 

"How...am I...supposed...to...breathe...in this?" She asked, her shallow respirations interrupting her words.

The tailor made an undignified snort and waved his hand. "Breathing is not ze point. A true Orlesian women would not _never_ lower herself to acknowledge any dizcomfort. Of course I have heard zat ze great region of Orlais iz not your home. Ostwick in ze Free Marches iz, how you say, unrefined." 

_Oh you wanna see fucking unrefined_ , Shai growled mentally, wondering how the tailor's ridiculous, powdered wig would look on fire. She wasn't even anywhere near Orlais yet and she was already hoping the Winter Palace burned to the ground. Thinking about spending a night crammed into a ballroom with a bunch of perfumed, over dressed, pompous arses who thought Orlais was the center of the Maker damned world--   

"As always Monsieur, spectacular work!" Josephine praised as she stepped forward with a blinding smile affixed to her face.  

"Thank you Lady Montilyet. But my job iz not quite done. If you would?" The tailor gestured towards a long, white box adorned with elaborately curled ribbon that sat on a nearby chaise. Josephine retrieved the rectangular object and lifted the lid and Shai actually caught her breath at what lay beneath; a ball gown lay nestled in white tissue paper. While the tailor retrieved the confection, Josephine smiled at Shai's wonder struck expression.

"I take the dress pleases you, Inquisitor?"

"Josephine its...it's beautiful. But I thought we were all wearing a uniform?"

The Ambassador simply shrugged.  "As our leader you should stand out above the rest. All eyes will be on you already, it is only fitting that you display appropriately." 

Shai couldn't help but feel giddy at the realization she got to play dress up again, even if she did like the white and gold adorned jackets the Ambassador had picked for the Winter Palace. She obligingly faced the bed post again and allowed the tailor to lower the dress over her head and lace the back up.

"D'accord Mademoiselle. You may turn around."

Shai swiveled to the full length mirror her quarters sported.The dress was even more beautiful on and her mouth parted in a small "O." The fitted, jewel embellished, deep gold bodice possessed a high neckline, an oval cutout sitting just above Shai's breasts, the collar encircling her throat. Alabaster chiffon puffed sleeves began just off the shoulder and ended at the top of her forearm; modestly full skirts of the same material and color fell elegantly to the floor from the hip. Twisting around, Shai gaped at the wide expanse of open, upper back the gown displayed but couldn't help her mouth from curling in an appreciative grin; it was stunning and offset her darker skin tone perfectly. 

"The Mademoiselle likez my work, non?" The tailor asked, his hands clasped behind his back, his face beaming and eyes drinking in his creation. The man looked like a proud rooster at his success, all puffed up in the chest, and Shai had to refrain from snorting improperly at the comparison. Dropping into a quick curtsey, she articulated her thanks; the tailor--personality aside--had done his job well.  

"And you have my thanks as well, Monsieur. A better job we could not have found anywhere else," Josephine complimented, discreetly handing the tailor a purse which he quickly tucked into the pocket of his robes, but not before the clink of many coins could be heard.

"Ambassador Montilyet, it haz been a pleasure. I look forward to doing future business with your Inquizition. My ladiez." The tailor bowed and, collecting the empty dress box, swept out of Shai's quarters closing the door behind him.

"Soooooo, didn't I tell you? The best tailor this side of the Frostbacks! Inquisitor you look absolutely stunning, you'll be turning every head at the ball!" Josephine clapped her hands together giddily, almost bouncing on her feet. Her eyes were alight with excitement and Shai knew her attire was just one more thing the Ambassador could check off what was no doubt a very long list.

Shai nodded and examined her reflection in the mirror again. "I don't think have any shoes that will match this though," she said with a frown.

"Oh I forgot! The tailor made these for you as well."Josephine brought forth a pair of gold heels with ribbon ties."I hope we got your size right. If not the Monsieur has charitably agreed to personally bring us a new pair."

Shai hopped on one foot and then the other as she slipped the shoes on and flexed her toes experimentally.

"I haven't worn anything like these in forever but they seem to fit fine," she ascertained taking a couple turns about the room, careful not to pivot too fast and roll her ankle. Josephine practically buzzed with energy as she folded her hands together beneath her chin.

"Wonderful! So all that's left to worry about is your hair."

Shai stopped and shot a wary look at the Ambassador.  "What's wrong with my hair exactly?"  

Josephine blushed abashedly.  "I meant no disrespect Inquisitor only that the Orlesian style is more-"

"Polished than the hack job I have," Shai said bluntly. She couldn't exactly say her hair was ball ready. While it had a natural curl, she didn't devote much time to maintaining its well being and therefore, it was rather lackluster in appearance. 

"Well...yes, that is one way of putting it," Josephine agreed slowly and cleared her throat softly.

"You said it yourself, all eyes will be on me. So...have at it," Shai said with a sigh, gesturing in the vague direction of her hair. Josephine--to her credit--looked thoroughly embarrassed at her comment and went to Shai's bedroom door where she called for Sophie to send in the Mademoiselles. The Ambassador returned with two women in tow moments later.

"Inquisitor allow me to present Mademoiselles Fleur and Belle."

Shai inclined her head as the two women--who could have been twins for all she could see of their faces beneath the mesh masks covering them--curtsied simultaneously.

"Salut Mademoiselle. We are very pleased to meet you." Fleur (or Belle?) tittered in a breathless voice.

"Oui, we 'ave heard many thingz about you. Est-ce vrai?" Belle (or Fleur?) chimed in. Shai looked to Josephine for guidance but the Ambassador just raised her eyebrows in a "they asked you" sort of way and offered to ring for a tray of tea and cakes from the kitchen, if the Mademoiselles would like.

"You are too kind Lady Montilyet. But perhapz we should begin? Ze hair iz not something zat should be rushed."

"Of course. Please excuse me, I have some letters I must attend to." Josephine situated herself at the small writing desk by the bedroom's massive fireplace while Fleur and Belle positioned Shai on a stool. For the next hour and a half they chatted amicably over her head in Orlesian, their fingers dancing light as butterfly wings over her scalp. Shai tried to track their movements and guess what they must be doing but soon gave up and settled for tracing the patterns in the rug covering her floor. 

She tensed as one of the girls (Fleur? Belle?) said, "What sadness it must be to keep your hair all tied away like zis. Forgive me for my forwardness my lady, but I can tell your hair iz very beautiful when properly maintained."

Shai blew a strand of hair off her forehead. "I'm sure my mother would agree with you whole heartedly, Mademoiselle," she said drily. Cordelia Trevelyan _had_ already bemoaned Shai's lack of interest in her locks when she could manage to corner her daughter. _Darling, you have such gorgeous hair. I know women who would kill for what you have. Why not put some effort into it?_ Cordelia had whined. _Because I'm a little busy saving the entire damn world at the moment_ , Shai had thrown back acerbically, and that had been the end of that conversation.

Belle and Fleur tittered at her comment and went back to murmuring in Orlesian until finally they stepped back to address Josephine.

"Madame Ambassador? C'est fini, we are done. Très jolie, non?"

Josephine rose from the desk, a smile breaking across the Antivan's face.  "Mademoiselles she looks perfect, simply stunning! Thank you for your services, we would be at a loss without them."

Shai wondered whether Josephine's cheeks had started to hurt yet from all the smiling she'd been accompanying her compliments with, first to the tailor and now to the appointed hairdressers. As Belle and Fleur departed the room with their own pouches of coin--Shai still hadn't figured out who was who--leaving twin clouds of flowery perfume in their wake, Josephine gently urged her to her feet and back in front of the mirror.

"Well, what do you think?"

"They certainly know what they're doing," Shai said as she turned her head to get a good look at her hair from all sides. Belle and Fleur had carefully brushed out the tangles in her dark brown tresses and arranged them in an intricate up-do with a few stray curls left down to frame her face. In addition, they had woven golden pins into Shai's hair that twinkled as the light hit them. 

"There is one more thing Inquisitor."

Shai stood still as Josephine fitted a mask over the upper half of her face. Staring out from its eyeholes, she took in its appearance: the same jeweling as her gown's bodice covered the expanse of the mask while a rendering of the Inquisition's sigil was affixed to the ornamentation's forehead, a small diamond stationed in place of the fiery eye's pupil. Very extravagant and very, very Orlesian; there would be no mistaking who she was now.

"I think we might've cornered the jewel market," Shai said with a laugh. 

"Are you happy with how you look? If you are displeased I can have the tailor fit you for a new dress or perhaps make some alterations to this one? But if you do not mind me saying, this suits you immeasurably."

"It's perfect Josephine, really. Thank you for taking care of all of this," Shai said truthfully. Without their Ambassador double and triple checking everything, they probably would've lost the majority of their allies long ago. And their even being able to attend the Winter Palace...well it was all thanks to Josephine's careful planning. The Ambassador beamed gratefully and bowed her head demurely.

"Of course Inquisitor. You are welcome."

Both women heard the door to Shai's quarters open suddenly and then a steady tread ascended the stairs towards them. Shai caught her breath as a head of blond waves came into view, followed in rapid succession by the rest of the Commander. She hated how seeing him made her chest feel tight and heavy and like she'd taken a punch to the gut but it did, especially after his increased silence towards her. She had no idea what had gone wrong. They'd been fine when she'd left for the Approach and she'd been excited to see him once they returned. 

Then in the courtyard, as she and her team had made to dismount their horses, Cullen had suddenly run off and he'd kept running after that, at least from her. It made no sense and anything they might have been able to clear up was left unsaid because he simply refused to be caught with her alone. It wasn't for lack of trying on her part, however; she'd waited for him near his office, had tried to stop him after the few war meetings that had occurred, worked to catch his eye from across the room whenever they were within the same confines. 

But nothing worked. Cullen dodged her nimbly and far more effectively than she had ever thought he'd be capable of doing. She'd gone over list after list in her head of things that could have made him react the way he was doing, and she'd come up with nothing. They hadn't corresponded while she'd been gone at the Approach, so that ruled out her saying anything wrong. They hadn't been alone since she'd returned, so that eliminated her doing anything wrong. So what the fuck was it?! She wished she knew. 

She missed him, she missed the short burst of affection they'd shared. She'd been thinking of his kiss as they'd neared Skyhold and then her fantasies had been thrown rudely back into her face as the Commander made himself scarce. She didn't understand a bloody lick of it. At first she'd been hurt, she still was. Who wouldn't be in her situation?

But lately she'd started to get angry, angry at Cullen for hiding from her what was bothering him, angry at the unknown that had caused him to react in such a way, and angry at herself for whatever it was she'd done that she didn't know about. Her troubled emotions had only intensified after his fainting spell during training exercises when she'd been unable to see him in the healer's quarters because he'd more or less forbidden her from being allowed entrance. 

Cullen cleared the top stair and faced them, his eyes darting quickly from Shai to remain locked on Josephine's face. Shai felt her hands curl into fists and her temper spark at the blatant avoidance. _Look at me_ , she implored him silently. _Look at me, damn you_.

"They uh they told me you were here," he said by way of greeting.

"And you've found me," Josephine chirped. "What is it, Commander?"

"The carriages you commissioned have arrived."

"They have? Wonderful! How do they look?"

"Erm...uh...like carriages?" Cullen said, his brows drawing together in confusion. "They're ahem they're nice..."

"Speaking of things that are nice," Josephine teased and Shai twitched as she realized what was coming next. "Don't you think the Inquisitor looks stunning?"

Shai had never wanted to sink through a floor so badly as she did when Cullen's gaze barely--barely--switched over to her before jumping back to Josephine as he murmured his assent. She dug her nails into her palm and bit her tongue, keeping the torrent of words she wanted to throw at him locked away. _What did I do? What the fuck did I do?!_ An awkward silence permeated the room and although her eyes remained on Cullen--even as he studiously avoided the weight of them--Shai could feel Josephine's unspoken questions at their graceless demeanor.

"I should return to my duties," Cullen said with a throat clear. "I'll have the list of soldiers escorting us to Orlais for you soon, Ambassador."

"Oh...lovely, thank you Cullen. Wait!" Josephine called as the Commander tried to depart after a stiff bow. "Don't forget we have to fit you for your jacket tomorrow! And for the love of Andraste, would you please bring along Cassandra? I would fetch her myself but every time she sees me coming, she hides. Also, the dance instructor is arriving in another day and I'll need you free for lessons, and--"

"Whatever you need, Ambassador," Cullen interrupted, although his tone was flat and clearly less than thrilled at the reminder of what preparations Celene's ball required. "Until later." He bowed again--no less stiff than the first one--and tramped back down the stairs, the door closing almost inaudibly behind him. Shai had to will her feet not to run after Cullen and corner him in the hall outside her room, refusing to stand down until he told her what exactly was wrong. She could count on two fingers the amount of times he'd looked at her whilst in her room.

"Well, I believe I should probably return to my work," Josephine said, interrupting the silence that had ensued after Cullen's departure. "Shall I send Sophie in to help you undress?" 

"I think that would be wise," Shai responded as she absently touched a hand to her well pinned hair. "I'd be forced to cut myself out of this dress otherwise." 

"And we can't have that." Josephine laughed although her eyes flicked uncertainly over Shai as if she expected the Inquisitor to make good on her statement. "I'll send along a messenger to fetch you once the dance instructor arrives. I know with your background you've probably attended ample balls already, but it never hurts to have a bit of a refresher. Good day, Inquisitor."

Gathering her papers from the writing desk and throwing a quick smile over her shoulder, Josephine departed the room. Shai sighed and removed the mask from her face, turning it over in her hands. She inspected the detailing that had gone into making it, appraising the delicate craftsmanship. She stared at the blank eyeholes and an unexpected shiver ran through her, the hairs on her arms standing up. She recognized her body's reaction for what it was: apprehension. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since my dress describing skills are so not on pointe, if you're interested to know what I was inspired by, I was blown away by this Alexander McQueen dress that totally screams Orlesian  
> >>>>>link:  
> http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rOExiAxwirs/UTe-eDhOScI/AAAAAAAC208/tSudZ0Giq60/s1600/alexander-mcqueen-rtw-fw2013-details-27_163202252603.jpg


	39. Orlais or Into the Lion's Den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH I am so sorry I missed last week's update :( its finals season and I've been studying like crazy. Good news is, finals are over on Thursday and I can focus on writing again so yay for that :) 
> 
> >Long chapter ahead just FYI   
> >Might drop back in and edit at some point for clarity and length

Cullen tried not to hate things. But sometimes he had to make exceptions, like for Corypheus, or demons...or Orlesians. His mood had been fast approaching foul with every mile the Inquisition drew closer to the Winter Palace. By the time their carriages rumbled through the gates of the Empresses's humble abode, Cullen's teeth were grinding steadily against themselves. Leliana had shoved a sharp elbow into his side to make him stop, complaining about the off putting noise issuing from his mouth. Josephine had tsked at him reprovingly as well, reminding him that they all need be on their best behavior, personal feelings aside.

The only other occupant of the carriage he didn't draw a rebuke from was Shai. He'd tried his best to ensure that he ride in the platoon leading the Inquisition to the Winter Palace, had saddled Rook in the stables of Skyhold and prepared to mount up. Yet just as his foot had been placed in the stirrup, the Ambassador had caught his arm in a peculiarly strong grip and all but dragged him to the lead carriage, ignoring his indignant protests. He hadn't wanted to spend weeks of travel time contained in a box and he furthermore didn't want to do so whilst sharing the space with the Inquisitor. 

Relations between them had hardly improved since he'd interrupted Shai's dress fitting and now whenever their eyes met, he caught vehemence in her gaze. It hurt him to see that old emotion surfacing again, and it wounded him further to know it was once more directed his way. But his distance was for the best; he'd repeated that to himself enough times in the past days to cement it solidly in his head. 

But Josephine had been adamant he, Leliana, and her review strategy with Shai the entire way to Orlais and now, as the Inquisition came to a halt at the top of the palace's circle drive, Cullen couldn't tell who wanted out of the carriage more: he or Shai. That question was answered for him readily enough when the Inquisitor leaned obtrusively across the Ambassador to fling open the carriage door and fling herself through it. Well, she didn't actually fling herself, but in Cullen's opinion her abrupt exit was close enough. The atmosphere in the carriage had been anything but amicable and indeed it had been suffocating in its awkwardness, causing both he and Shai to studiously avoid looking in the other's direction despite the fact they sat across from one another, their knees almost touching in the small space of the carriage. 

Leliana and Josephine raised silent eyebrows at each other over the Inquisitor's inelegant departure and a sixth sense told Cullen he should follow Shai's lead unless he wanted those looks to be directed his way next. His boots crunched on finely ground gravel and the sun, despite the earliness of the day, washed over him. He inhaled fresh air in what felt like a long time--the windows of the carriage had been kept shut most of the time to avoid dirt entering the lungs of its passengers--and stretched, listening to his back pop in adjustment. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Shai do the same thing, her face turned up to the sky, eyes closed, nostrils flared slightly as she too took her fill of the Orlesian air.

Furiously approaching footstep drew Cullen's attention to the Seeker advancing towards him, her shoulders hunched and hands balled in fists. As Josephine and Leliana departed the carriage behind him, he heard the Ambassador say softly, "oh dear."

"That will _not_ be happening on the ride home," Cassandra stated in a low hiss, that being her forced to ride in the same confinement as Varric. Cullen looked over the Seeker's shoulder to where the dwarf rogue was straightening the cuffs of his jacket, shaking out his compact arms to right the material.

"It couldn't have been that bad," Leliana jested, a small smirk curving her rosebud mouth.

"It was," Cassandra said through her teeth, her dark eyes narrowed. "I swear I will wring that dwarf's neck one of these--"

"Inquisition, what an expected pleasure!"

Cullen and the rest of the people gathered in the drive turned towards the Winter Palace looming before them. Coming through the gates that barred anyone entrance into the front gardens was a man dressed in shining pauldrons and cuirass, the latter bearing a familiar crest on the front. His striding legs were encased in black, landsknecht pants that delved into knee high boots and from his shoulders hung an emerald green cloak.

"I confess I was not expecting you until later, however I am delighted to finally meet the legendary Inquisitor face to face," the man said as he stopped before them and swept into a polite bow before Shai, correctly picking her from the crowd. "I am Duke Gaspard de Chalons, the cousin to her royal Empress Celene. Welcome to Orlais."

Cullen could no more stem the tide of jealousy that swept him as Gaspard placed a kiss on the back of Shai's hand than he could stop himself bleeding if stabbed. The man could touch her, could offer her a kiss for Maker's sake, and he could do nothing but observe Shai from afar. _It's by your own doing_ , he reminded himself, but it didn't stop a frown from darkening his face. Cullen realized his teeth had started to grind again and made a monumental effort to still his jaw lest he earn another elbow from the Spymaster. He felt a jolt of satisfaction when Shai finally withdrew her hand from the Grand Duke's grasp. 

"The Inquisition appreciates your invitation, Duke Gaspard," Shai responded politely. Josephine had briefed her on the ride that it had been Celene's cousin who had asked that the Inquisition appear at the Winter Palace as his guests. _Next in line for the throne until Celene outmaneuvered him though there are those who still see him as the rightful heir_ , the Ambassador had remarked. _He has, of course, pledged his support to the Inquisition if we were to help him regain the throne_.

Cullen had heard many a tale of the Grand Duke. He knew Gaspard to be a renowned Chevalier, reportedly a fair and respectful man towards those whom he oversaw. He had heard the account of how Gaspard lost the throne to Celene and had no doubt that the man standing before them was hoping very much that the Inquisition would prove to be useful towards his cause. Just how much that hope would come to fruition would remain to be seen, although Cullen knew there could be merit in having a military minded Emperor when the whole of Thedas was falling down around everyone's ears.

"I am more than happy to have you accompany me, Inquisitor Trevelyan. And this must be Lady Montilyet. I thank you for responding to my invitation so quickly," Gaspard said as he executed another bow before Josephine, pressing his lips to the back of her hand as well.

"And we thank you for your generosity in accommodating our numbers," Josephine returned. The Grand Duke straightened and smiled, his eyes flashing beneath dark, peaked brows.

"Think nothing of it. This palace could fit all of Orlais I sometimes feel. But that is enough preliminaries for one day. All the frivolous gratitude The Grand Game requires tires me quite quickly. But of course, you must be exhausted from your journey. Pardon my shameful manners in keeping you waiting like commoners. Come, let me show you to your rooms. Do not mind your carriages, I will have men attend to them and bring your belongings. Inquisitor, if you would be so kind as to oblige me?"

Gaspard offered his arm to Shai who took it after a short hesitation. In her free hand she gathered the skirts of the brocade, grey dress Josephine had implored she wear, and followed alongside the Grand Duke. Cullen and the rest of the Inquisition fell into single file behind them, the front gates of the Winter Palace swallowing them as they entered the inner grounds.

+++++++

A few hours later, the entirety of the Inquisition was settled in spacious, grandiose rooms. Cullen, the advisors, and Shai were all in the same wing, their bedroom doors opening onto a shared vestibule. Shai's companions--and mother--were situated a floor down in a long corridor of chambers, whilst the twenty soldiers who'd accompanied them were spending their visit in the royal barracks. If he was being perfectly honest, Cullen would have rather stayed with his men. The absolute opulence of his personal chambers was disconcerting and stifling. 

He'd fingered the fine material the window drapes were made of as soon as the elven servants showing him to his bedroom had left him alone. He'd taken in the splendor that went into making the bed he would sleep in during his stay, almost afraid to touch the silken sheets for fear of getting dirt upon them. His eyes had coursed over the intricate masonry that edged the massive fireplace taking up a good quarter of one bedroom wall. 

"We certainly aren't in Ferelden anymore," Cullen mumbled under his breath as he finished his inspection of the furniture and went to the balcony that lay just on the other side of glass paned doors. Once outside in the Orlesian air, he fancied he could smell the salt coming from the sea air although he knew they were much too far from the great body of water for that to be rational. Cullen braced his hands on the railing and stepped one foot in front of the other as he let his body stretch out. 

He needed a nap. No, check that, he needed to sleep for a few years undisturbed. No headache yet intruded on his person today, so he considered that a small victory. But it seemed the pains in his skull had substituted themselves for shakes that took over his hands at sporadic times. That new condition had been reported to the Seeker by the healer doing his mandated weekly check ups, and Cullen meekly had submitted to choking down daily, bitter concoctions from Adan. 

They _were_  actually helping his motor control, but it was sometimes hard to appreciate that benefit over his stomach wanting to turn itself inside out every time he took a swallow. He hadn't thrown any of the potions back up to date, so he supposed his internal organ was growing a little tougher. Still, Cullen worked to clear his mouth from the lingering taste of the dose he'd swallowed that morning just before the Inquisition had left the inn where they'd stayed the previous night.

As he swallowed repeatedly, his eyes swept over the view below him. He was looking down on a well manicured garden, spiraled shrubs and trimmed hedges dotting the outside edges while colorful beds of flowers grew at the base of poplar trees. It wasn't the same plot they'd walked through earlier upon their entrance to the palace, but instead another that existed to compliment the guest quarters. Cullen guessed there were still other spreads of greenery placed about Celene's home; he was sure the grandest of them all probably resided just beyond the Empresses's own balcony. 

He was about to turn back inside his room and lay down for a bit until they were summoned to dine with Gaspard when movement caught his eye. He squinted and looked amongst the garden's foliage to spy Shai weaving her way along the gravel pathways that criss crossed over the lawn. Her hair hung down her back in its natural curl pattern, swinging softly back and forth with her movement.

Her dress had been exchanged for a tunic and breeches, her legs free from the skirts that covered them earlier. Cullen watched as she walked around, her left hand curled in a fist--he bet it was unconsciously done--and her right free to reach out and drift over any nearby scenery. She seemed to be wandering aimlessly, reaching the center of the garden and coming to a sudden stop. He was surprised she was alone, he at least expected her to be accompanied by either Rhys or Dorian if not Sera or the Iron Bull. 

He'd been able to pick out which companions were her closest friends, and he'd deduced she preferred to spend her time in the company of the former four the most. Occasionally he'd spied her with Cassandra or talking with Varric--never with Solas or Vivienne unless it was required--and only on some rare occurrences did he see her emerging from the stables after conversing with Blackwall. Their Inquisitor seemed to like the companions who stuck out the most, both in manner and appearance.

His brows lowered over his eyes as he caught sight of a second figure appearing in the garden. Shai had her back to them and so didn't see their approach until they were almost right on top of her. Cullen watched as she turned towards her mother and--even from his distance--saw Shai's shoulders stiffen. Cordelia began to speak although, no matter how far he leaned forwards, he couldn't catch even a snippet of their conversation floating towards him on the slight breeze. Whatever the elder Trevelyan was saying must not have been that bad--at least not yet--as Shai made no move to excuse herself.

After a few moments, Cordelia turned and waved at--presumably--another person. Cullen's suspicions were confirmed as a third body joined Cordelia and Shai's duo. Cullen stiffened when he was able to determine the newcomer was definitely male and definitely not someone known to him before. The stranger was tall and dark haired, garbed in a black doublet. He bent at the waist when he finally drew close to Shai and offered a smooth bow.

Cullen's fingers curled tightly around the edges of the balcony bannister as he watched the interaction. Shai and the stranger nodded at each other, exchanged a few words, and after a few moments, most of which were probably an introduction, Cordelia melted away and left the other two alone. Cullen's eyes were glued to Shai as she crossed her arms and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She gestured to the mystery man and he said something back to her. Cullen twitched impatiently, longing to be closer to eavesdrop more efficiently. 

Who was this third party and how did Cordelia know him? And why was he being introduced to Shai? Mayhap a friend the matriarch of House Trevelyan knew? But the man was clearly much younger than Cordelia, so maybe the son of a friend? Or was he something else? Cullen wrinkled his nose in irritation that his questions went unanswered. He was debating how much in poor taste it would be if he snuck down to the gardens and concealed himself nearby the talking pair when a knock at his door drew his attention. 

He spared a last look down to the gardens before retreating from his balcony, but not before the musical notes of Shai's laughter assaulted his ears, distant yet clear as a bell. His shoulders shot up to around his ears and he clenched his hands into fists, tension abruptly lining every muscle. _What was so Maker damned funny?!_ It hit him as a second knock of impatience sounded on his door that he was jealous, and prominently too. It surprised him so much his feet decided to stop working and he stood a foot from his door, mouth slightly agape. 

He was jealous...and it was odd. He'd never felt this way before, had never had cause to feel such an emotion. A banging interrupted his pondering and he looked to the wood panels of the door that were vibrating slightly with the ire of whoever was on the other side. He grasped the knob and pulled the painted wood inward to reveal Cassandra, Josephine, and Leliana all gathered on the other side.

"Have you suddenly gone deaf?" The Seeker demanded before pushing past him. The other two women entered with more decorum, sparing him small smiles of greeting. He turned to face them after closing the door behind their entrance.

"You knocked?" He asked with a straight face, his mind a little slow to form words after a revelation that really shouldn't have been such a big deal, but was.

"Only a few times," Leliana said with a smirk as she slid a glance Cassandra's way.

"We need to discuss the ball tomorrow night," the Seeker stated in her plain, directly-to-the-point way.

"What about it?"

"Well...we could begin with the fact that we will be deciding Orlais' future by the end of Celene's peace talks, for one," Josephine listed.

"Or we could start by discussing what we will do with any assassins we discover," Leliana offered, her blue eyes flickering from person to person. 

"Get rid of them," Cassandra answered bluntly. The Spymaster pursed her lips at the Seeker. 

"Tactfully put Cassandra. But we will of course do it discreetly, lest the entire nobility of Orlais in attendance tomorrow night witness our actions."

"Shouldn't the Inquisitor be hearing all this?" Cullen asked, his mind having never left the fact Shai was in the gardens just outside with a complete stranger he very much wanted to have identified. "Should someone go and fetch her?"

"We will speak with her once we have devised a plan of action," Josephine said folding her hands delicately before herself. "I doubt she'll enjoy sitting through us bickering about where we should start."

"But still--"

"Don't fret, Commander. The Inquisitor is hardly going anywhere. She'll still be around when we need call her." Leliana's lips held a small smirk and Cullen averted his gaze from her all too aware eyes. He kept his line of sight away from Josephine's face as well, not wanting to look at how she was silently giggling at his apparent ardor. He didn't know how much Leliana had imparted to her Ambassador friend, but he would bet his right foot the two women gossiped a decent amount after he revealed himself in such blatant ways.

The Seeker was looking at all three of them in mild annoyance, clearly not understanding the inside joke which surprised Cullen to a degree. He figured of all people, Cassandra would have linked two and two together by now. He'd put his foot in his mouth effortlessly enough on multiple occasions where she'd been witness; it wouldn't take much observing on her part to come to a conclusion. But for now that was at least one less person who would be witnessing the premature end of something only started. Cullen already wanted to shudder at the nosy looks he'd receive from Leliana once it was made clear that Shai detested him again.

"So, we will dispatch with the assassins as our first means of business?" The Seeker put them back on topic forwardly.

"I don't think it would be a bad idea to at least locate them. Celene will not listen to our warnings without some proof. Assassins in the palace, while not unreasonable, is a hard topic to broach," Josephine said. The others murmured their assent and Cullen pulled his mind away from what Shai and the stranger could be discussing now to focus on the topic at hand. He ignored the impulsive voice that wanted to suggest they stand on the balcony to avoid being overheard by any curious listeners who could be, at this moment, poised outside the bedroom door. It was hardly a well founded conjecture and he would be as transparent as a pane of glass. 

"Are we safe here?" Cullen murmured after a time of listening to Josephine, Leliana, and Cassandra hammer out details both big and small. The three women paused in their discussion to look at him quizzically. 

"What do you mean are we safe here?" The Seeker questioned. Cullen shrugged and looked about the room shrewdly as a thought came to him, born from experience of watching his back.

"We know there are assassins waiting to strike. It will hardly be a secret that the entirety of the Inquisition is here as a guest of the Grand Duke. And the Inquisitor, while not Celene, is most certainly wanted dead by Corypheus. Who's to say these assassins won't use this opportunity to their advantage? We could have walked into a trap without even knowing it."

Shocked and thoughtful silence greeted his suspicions. 

"We've been so preoccupied with protecting the Empress that we forgot _who_ we're protecting her from," Leliana finally said quietly. Cullen convinced himself he could hear the wheels turning in her mind as she re-evaluated his words. 

"A double murder," Josephine mused in horrified revelation. "It would be the perfect time! With Celene's death, Orlais would fall and there would be chaos everywhere. With the Inquisitor also dead--"

"There would be no one to rival Corypheus," Cassandra finished darkly. "Thedas would fall."

"No," the Spymaster corrected with a hard edge to her voice. "It would be destroyed, obliterated, wiped from the face of the earth."

Cullen dragged a hand over his face as goosebumps ran rapidly over his arms and the hairs raised on the back of his neck. Celene and Shai both dead...Maker forbid.

"We need to guard the Inquisitor," he said abruptly. "We can spare some men to be stationed outside her door."

"And tip the enemy off that we know they are here? As of now, let everyone believe we come simply as a guest of the Duke because we have an interest in the peace talks. We should not draw attention to ourselves. The assassins will work in the shadows...but we can as well," Leliana concluded. "But we must be thinking one step ahead of them at all times."

"What do you propose?" Cullen asked, interested to hear what their resident Spymaster was shaping in the convoluted pathways of her shadowy mind. He noticed Josephine and Cassandra both lean infinitesimally closer to Leliana as she began to speak again.

"Let me have some of my agents investigate while we dine with Gaspard tonight."

"But you have no men here?" Josephine said, though it sounded more a question with the lilt at the end of her sentence. Leliana smiled fiendishly. 

"I ordered some people to flank us on our way here, but far enough behind to avoid detection. I reasoned it might be to our advantage to have them along."

"You could have told us," Cullen stated, not angrily just reasonably. The Spymaster lifted one shoulder in a smooth shrug before letting it drop back to position.

"I didn't want to play my hand until necessary." 

Cullen noticed their very stealthy advisor said _until_ and not _unless_ ; _of course she knew her services would be needed_ , he thought.

Cassandra made a noise in acceptance of Leliana's secretive arrangement but brooked no argument. "Tell us what you have planned." 

+++++++

A decent span of time--and a painfully full belly--later, Cullen struggled to get comfortable in his bed. Well, not his. It was supposed to be the Inquisitor's, but they'd room swapped at Leliana's insistence. The Spymaster had decided better safe than sorry and recommended that Shai bunk in a different room while one of the advisors took hers. The reasoning was that the would be assassins might be concealed amongst the palace staff. And should they find their way to the guest wings, they would subsequently be rewarded with a knife through the chest and not the death of the Inquisitor.

Cullen had immediately--and much too quickly, per his usual grace--volunteered to trade chambers with Shai. He'd somewhat hoped to maybe catch her alone as they handed their designated rooms off to the other, but she'd kept her eyes averted as she'd stepped into his former chambers and shut the door firmly in her wake. What he would have said if the moment to be solely in her presence had manifested, Cullen didn't know. And he could only hope now that he would have come up with something, anything to say.

He exhaled deeply and twisted in the bed once more. He wasn't used to such a soft, pliant mattress. The one he slept upon at Skyhold was sturdy and somewhat unyielding against his body. He was sure it would be called sleeping on a rock by anyone else, but to him it was perfectly fine. He pulled the covers further over his bare chest in response to the room's chilliness; his first order of business before retiring had been to open the balcony doors and the windows. He hated confinement--dreaded it--and he sorely missed the hole in his regular roof.

He'd almost considered dragging some of the blankets onto the balcony and making a go of it there but decided it would make for an awkward scene if he were to be discovered there. Cullen turned onto his side and bunched up the pillow beneath his head, raising himself just enough to punch the object into submission. It, like the mattress, was much too flexible and his neck was being drawn into an impossible angle.

Cullen huffed at the pillow's non-compliance and flopped roughly onto his back, the bed frame wavering slightly at his forcefulness. He exhaled again and stared at the vaulted ceiling above him; gold molding decorated the space. He expected the ornamentation would be glowing softly with the moonlight, except that there wasn't any. The night sky outside was cloudy and the giant, white orb that inhabited it was nowhere to be found, its presence snuffed out.

Even with his eyes adjusted to the relative darkness of his surroundings, Cullen still couldn't make out much. He rolled his shoulders, trying once more to settle his body in for sleep. But it was more than just the accommodations that kept him from drifting off. Leliana's men hadn't been back to report to their mistress by the time everyone retired for the night. Furthermore, even the Spymaster had voiced a small concern at their failure to return. It hadn't exactly sent the advisory members of the Inquisition--or Shai--to bed with minds at ease.

Cullen hoped they'd at least see heads or tails of the agents in the morning, but he wasn't very optimistic. The Winter Palace held too many dangers they were only slightly aware of. They were fighting an enemy that hadn't yet shown itself and they had no way of knowing its strength. It would be a waiting game and that was one thing Cullen hated to play.

He drew a hand over his face and returned to laying on his side. He closed his eyes tightly and started to count backwards from one hundred, using an old trick his mother had suggested once upon a time long ago...

A footfall--preternaturally soft but loud as a scream to his trained ears--brought him out of his light slumber. Cullen kept himself still and his breathing deep, giving no part of his wakefulness away. Bit by bit he cracked open his eyes, letting them adjust to the lack of light with each inch they opened. Whomever was in his chambers was behind him. He could see nothing but the expected furniture before his eyes.

He knew that his sword and shield were inconveniently across the room, balanced against a plush chair. But his dagger, automatically removed from his boot at the end of each day, was nestled beneath his pillow. Even in Skyhold he slept with it there. It was habit and it was a hard one to break. Tonight, though, it might just save his life...if only he could reach it subtly. 

The person in his chambers was moving about stealthily, their feet barely creating a soft rasp against the marble flooring. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to track their movements, hoping they would misstep and stumble into something that would give him a clue. But the intruder was conscious of their surroundings and they steered clear of any protruding objects.

Cullen thought hard and came to the conclusion that his best plan of action would be to wait for the intruder to attack him, if that was on the agenda. But he couldn't think of why else they would have entered his quarters. _No, not mine_ , he remembered. _Everyone still believes these to be the Inquisitor's chambers_. He couldn't repress the stab of relief he felt that his late night visitor had stumbled upon him instead of Shai. Not that he thought she couldn't defend herself, but he still felt protective of her despite their current distance. 

And suddenly a flare of anger arced through him that this person would dare to attack Shai, would dream of even laying a finger on her. Cullen gritted his teeth as his muscles coiled in anticipation. He could almost feel the dagger burning beneath his pillowed head, the hilt calling for his fingers to wrap around it and defend what was his. Well, what he wanted to be his and only if Shai willed it but that was besides the point. Cullen listened again, barely breathing, trying to determine the intruder's location and find the perfect moment to strike. 

He reasoned the best opportunity would be provided when the stranger was poised to end him as he slept. Then he could retrieve his dagger and use the element of surprise to give him the advantage. He reasoned the stranger would be small and lithe, the ideal assassin build. Overpowering them wouldn't be hard for his well built, warrior frame. But he would have to make sure he caught them and kept them; an escape would not be fortuitous for the Inquisition.

As luck would have it, Cullen only had to wait a few more moments for his opportune moment. The hairs on the back of his neck and those on his arms stood up as he went awash with the sixth sense that someone was now directly behind him. He was still on his side, pretending to be deep in the clutches of sleep, but he'd managed to maneuver his hand beneath the pillow to grasp his dagger's hilt. Cullen grimaced and counted to three.

++++

Shai couldn't sleep. She'd been laying down in a bit of a food coma since returning from the dinner with the Grand Duke and now that that feeling had passed, she was restless. Her feet were currently taking her in circles about her room, their soles whispering over the marble floor. No moonlight spilled through her windows, the pale orb hidden behind dense clouds. Because of this, her toes or shins occasionally bumped into a chair or a desk and she cursed under her breath.

She was too lazy to be bothered with building a fire, although it would have been quite simple for her to throw some logs into the gaping fireplace and summon forth a few flames with her magic. But the night was far too warm for that as well, and she knew she'd have to open her balcony doors for some reprieve from the stifling heat that a fire would generate. Shai played absently with a loose strand of hair, pulling the tress down to stretch out the curl before letting it spring back into place.

She drifted back towards her bed and ran her fingers over the silken sheets. She abruptly wondered whether Cullen had lain in this bed before switching rooms with her, if his scent would still be amongst the pillows and bed cover. The carriage ride to Orlais had been awkward at best and downright uncomfortable at worst. She'd sat across from the Commander and barely uttered a word the entire time, murmuring responses to Josephine or Leliana whenever they asked her a question or relayed information to her. 

Cullen, to his credit, had looked as miserable as she felt. She'd gotten the feeling he'd been trying to catch her eye on more than one occasion and so had stared resolutely out the window in defiance. She didn't want to look at him because she knew if she did, her resolve to ignore him as he had been ignoring her would crumble. She missed him more than she would like to admit. 

It wasn't as if they'd been together together for months upon months. Yet she'd been expecting--and hoping--the flame between them would only grow and then something had happened and now it was all blown to hell. Shai gritted her teeth as her anger and irritation and hurt all flared at once, all over again, and stepped away from the bed. Her feet took her to the balcony doors and she opened them to step into the balmy, Orlesian night. 

She shook her head to rid it of the memory of the last time she'd stood on a balcony when she couldn't sleep, and what had ensued. She'd be damned before she wandered across the vestibule to Cullen and tried to visit with the Commander. At best he'd probably stare at her silently then implore her to leave in the carefully controlled voice he'd been addressing her with as of late. Every time he opened his mouth in her direction she'd felt she might claw his eyes out just to get some response from him. 

It was like a wall of stone had taken over his personality and he spoke to her as if they were mere acquaintances instead of lovers, well currently ex-lovers. Shai wanted to crack it wide open, get him to own up to what it was that she'd done that had changed his attitude towards her so out of the blue. And yet she knew she would get nothing for her efforts if Cullen did not want to give her anything and the knowledge made her hands grow hot with unshed magic as her temper reared its head.

She wrapped her fingers around the railing of the balcony and stepped one foot in front of the other, stretching her body out. Little did she know she echoed the earlier pose, in the exact same position, of the person she found herself so troubled about. Shai stared down at the darkened grounds of the guest wing's personal gardens. She knew from a distance they were pretty, having initially admired them from her original room. But when one was winding their way about the well tended shrubs and hedges, trees and flower beds, it was a serene experience.

She'd wasted no time in finding her way there as her first order of business at the palace. Unfortunately, her mother had also caught sight of the garden's opulence. Shai hadn't seen Cordelia approaching until it was too late to hide but, much to her surprise, her mother hadn't been there to do anything other than an introduction. She'd been skeptical of who exactly Cordelia was bringing along and then a young man had been waved into the garden before Shai could inquire for a name.

But the stranger had provided it for her soon enough: Luis of House Madrigal. _An Antivan then_ , she'd thought as she'd watched him bow before her. Luis had a mop of black hair that fell in loose curls to brush his shoulders. She'd noted a single braid hanging down from Luis's right temple, clasped at the bottom with a small, silver band. The Antivan's eyes were a bright hazel with flecks of gold, the twin orbs standing out from his tanned face. They smoldered with unshed laughter and good nature as he greeted Shai with "Inquisitor," her official title issuing from full lips with a generous cupid's bow. 

Shai had been struck by the newcomer's attractiveness. He was garbed in dark clothing that did nothing to diminish the clearly muscled shoulders and chest beneath them. He wasn't obscenely tall, but nor was he short, his head still residing a good amount of inches above Shai's own. And his voice, it had been smooth with a carefully cultured accent. 

They'd spent a good half hour with each other, ten minutes of which were spent with Shai drilling Luis about how he knew her mother. He'd confessed that his family were distant friends and he'd recognized the name Trevelyan when news of the Inquisition made its way to Antiva. He was in Orlais on his way to Skyhold to offer his assistance to the cause when he'd heard rumors the Inquisition was appearing as a guest at the Winter Palace. _It was quite fortuitous that a friend of a friend said they would be able to get me inside to meet with you_ , Luis had said. 

His running into Cordelia had apparently just been another stroke of luck and then the rest Shai knew. She'd found the Madrigal youth to be thus far sincere, and he'd proved to be quite witty as well. It was halfway through their conversation, after Cordelia departed, that Shai had noticed Cullen watching silently from his balcony. The sudden sight of the Commander had made her jerk in surprise, but then a feeling of inadequacy had gripped her and she'd turned her full attention back to Luis, smiling maybe a little too big.

She'd had no way of knowing if Cullen could see her expression from his distance, but she'd made sure to give a laugh loud enough to reach his ears at something Luis said. By the time she'd looked for the Commander again, he'd been gone and she'd felt a little childish with her play at jealousy. Eventually she and Luis had said their goodbyes, acknowledging they'd see each other at the ball the following night. Then had come dinner with Gaspard and afterwards Shai had been pulled aside by her team of advisors. 

She'd shared their concern that Leliana's agents hadn't yet returned to the Spymaster and agreed hesitantly that it made sense if she were to switch rooms. Cullen had volunteered his quarters and that led to an overbearingly silent migration as Inquisitor and Commander shuffled their belongings around. Shai, once more, avoided looking at Cullen although she'd had the niggling sense he was trying to figure out how to broach a conversation with her. She'd shut herself in her new bedroom before any of that could happen and then leant her forehead against the solid wood of her door, listening to the distinctive click of Cullen shutting himself into his own chambers.

Shai shuddered in the present and let her shoulders sag as the stone of the balcony railing supported her full weight. The thought of the ball the following night, and what would be required of her, made her stomach twist into nervous knots. Saving someone wasn't anything new to her now, but it was the first time she was saving someone as important as the Empress. And her advisors insinuating she could potentially be assassinated in her sleep didn't exactly alleviate stress.

"Ugh," Shai groaned, her noise of disgust heard by no one and nothing but her own ears. She wondered if she'd be going grey by the end of this whole ordeal, her dark hair paling a little more with each minute of stress until she looked three times her age. _It wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen to me_ , Shai thought rationally, her eyes automatically darting to her left hand and the tear within her palm, its glow minimal but still there.

She looked out to the darkened horizon, knowing she'd be watching the sunrise eventually if she didn't get some sleep. And Josephine had already promised a day spent getting ready for the ball, not something Shai would want to endure utterly exhausted. With reluctance she retreated to her bed, leaving the balcony doors open in hopes the comforting night air would act as a sleep aid.

She had just slipped beneath the covers and settled her head onto her pillow when there was a soft knock at her door followed by what sounded like a key being inserted into the lock. A moment later a stream of light from the oil lamps in the vestibule cut a swatch through the darkness of her room. Shai sat up in bed, knees drawing up towards her chest defensively.

"Inquisitor, I'm sorry to wake you." The Spymaster's softened voice came as the woman stepped into the room. Shai swung her legs over the side of her bed and stood, crossing her arms over the front of the thin sleep shirt she wore.

"Is everything alright? Did your men return?" Shai asked, running through a list of what prompted Leliana's visit. The Spymaster shook her head and gestured with her hand.

"Come with me."

Shai hesitated before following her advisor back across the vestibule to the Spymaster's chambers, shooting her companion a questing look that went unanswered. A few candles had been lit in one portion of the quarters, bathing it in a dim glow. Josephine, Cassandra, and Cullen were standing grouped together, the state of their undress evidence they had all been untimely awakened.

The three of them turned at Shai's and Leliana's entrance and it was then Shai caught sight of what they had been grouped around. A chair with a person tied to it sat before the unlit fireplace. Their head was down and they were dressed in a checked green and yellow outfit. A hood threw their face into shadow and unless Shai was mistaken, they had an awful lot of makeup adorning their features. 

"What is this?" She asked. 

"The Commander apprehended them when they tried to attack him in his room," Cassandra said with a nod towards Cullen. Shai turned slowly to look at him, her eyes sweeping from low to high across his body. He had a split lip and a cut across his forehead but looked otherwise unharmed. Their gazes locked for a brief moment and even in their current predicament, a wave of heat washed over Shai causing her to break eye contact abruptly.

"Given that no one else should be aware of our having the two of you exchange rooms, we believe the would be assassin was meant for you," Josephine explained direly. Shai exhaled and rubbed a hand hard against the back of her neck. 

"More people want me dead, what else is new." Still, she shivered as she looked back to their bound prisoner, knowing she had missed an up close and personal brush with death. "Who do they work for?"

"We don't know," Leliana supplied, her arms crossed. "They won't say. We've yet to be able to get a single sound from them."

Shai examined the prisoner again, squinting at their face as she inspected it more closely.

"Is that...is that a mask?"

"We were waiting for you before removing it," Cassandra stated, her jaw set in anger though Shai didn't know if it was due to being awoken in the middle of the night or the fact that someone had tried an attack so soon after their arrival. Leliana stepped past Shai and put one hand on the prisoner's shoulder while the other went to their face. The prisoner barely flinched as the mask was withdrawn from their person.

Hostile silver eyes glared up at Shai from beneath thin, blonde brows; a sallow, pale face snarled in defiance at being caught. Shai looked at the prisoner thoroughly, the spark of recognition never touching her. Whomever this person was, they were just another face in a long line of faces that opposed the Inquisition.

"I don't suppose any of you know who this is," she stated, hardly expecting an affirmative answer. All of her advisors denied any familiarity with the would be assassin and Shai exhaled in exhaustion. She knew she should be feeling more on edge, more filled with adrenaline. Yet, after the initial shock that someone had tried to assassinate her had passed, Shai couldn't muster much more of a reaction besides bleak acceptance.  

"So what do we do with them?"

Silence greeted her inquiry and Shai looked from Leliana to Josephine to Cassandra and finally to Cullen, whose gaze actually met hers for longer than a moment.

"Leave them to me," the Spymaster finally spoke, her voice business like and cold. Shai did not want to be around to find out what fate would befall the intruder; she only knew their experience at Leliana's hands would hardly be a pleasurable one.

"Be discreet," Cassandra warned and Leliana hummed quietly in agreement.

"Of course," the Nightingale promised, her sharp, blue eyes unreadable. Shai rubbed her hands roughly over her biceps, trying to ward off the sudden chill that had permeated her flesh.

"Tomorrow will be a long day of preparation...we should get some sleep," Josephine suggested quietly, the mood in the room having shifted palpably.

Every person besides Leliana mumbled in agreement and the Spymaster's quarters emptied rapidly. Shai crossed back to her own room, pausing for a second outside its confines. Something willed her to look over her shoulder and when she did, she caught Cullen also paused at the entrance to his chambers. Amber eyes met pale green ones, both gazes becoming shuttered against the other. Shai was the first to break eye contact, letting her head drop as she crossed her room's threshold, closing the door soundly behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the OC is here for a reason ;)  
> >Shai's POV will continue into the next chapter for future reference


	40. Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long, long, long, long, long chapter (hence the late update).

_ The Old Gods will call to you, _

_  
From their ancient prisons they will sing. _

_  
Dragons with wicked eyes and wicked hearts, _

_  
On blacken'd wings does deceit take flight, _

_  
The first of My children, lost to night. _

* * *

 Shai ran her fingers over the mask upon her face, its weight resting against the bridge of her nose and the planes of her cheekbones. The night of the ball had dawned and she was once more called to do her part for Thedas. Except she would rather be staring down a hoard of demons rather than entering into the Grand Game; it reminded her at every turn of a life she'd been forced out of.  

Not that she was longing for the titles and lands that came with being nobility, but the grandness of the Winter Palace was a sore spot for her. Particularly because Cordelia was there along with the Inquisition and it was far too easy to think about her days spent in the Trevelyan estate. Shai shifted nervously from foot to foot and twisted her hands.

She'd been dressed for two hours now, anxiously awaiting Josephine to come fetch her. The tight bodice of her dress combined with the corset she wore beneath was rendering breathing a rather strenuous event and her lungs had yet to be filled with a full breath. She was jittery with anxiety and her palms were dampened with sweat. Shai swore she was wearing a hole in her room's carpeting as she padded back and forth, the skirts of her dress flaring around her legs as the heels of her slippers provided muffled clicks.

If only someone would come in and talk to her...she hated being left alone to think of everything that could go wrong tonight. Leliana's men hadn't returned at all and the consensus was that they'd encountered the assassins the Inquisition sought. The one unlucky enough to be left in the Spymaster's far too capable hands had been gone today without a word and Shai didn't have to ask to know their body had been quietly disposed with.

A knock sounded on her door and Shai practically flew across the room to grasp the brass handle and yank the wood outward from its frame. Rhys blinked, his hand poised in a fist as he prepared to knock again.

"You just waiting on the other side then, love?"

Shai waved her friend inside her chambers, letting the door fall shut behind him.

"I'm a little on edge," she confessed, rubbing her hands against the bare skin of her upper biceps. Rhys snorted and dropped onto the edge of her bed, flopping backwards onto the mattress.

"On edge is a mild way of putting it. We might all get our throats cut tonight."

"Don't be morbid," Shai reprimanded as she drifted around to the other side of the bed and lay across its expanse just above Rhys's strawberry-blonde head. 

"Well its the least that could happen."

She had nothing to say back and they stared up at the ceiling in shared silence. The reclusiveness of the guest's wing blocked out any sound from currently arriving guests, although Shai knew they had to be coming to Celene's ball by the carriage load. Another knock sounded at her door though neither she nor Rhys made any move to open it. Whoever was on the other side barely hesitated before asking entrance and pushing the door open to allow themselves inside.

"Well isn't this cozy," Dorian remarked and Shai waved a hand at the Tevinter Mage in greeting. 

"Am I interrupting something? Shall I come back later and allow you two some time alone? Dim the lights, perhaps?" 

"Oh bugger off," Rhys said, raising himself just far enough up to shoot a look at Dorian, who sniggered at the epithet. 

"Temper, temper," the Tevinter mock scolded as he came to stand next to Shai's head. She peered up at him as he peered down at her, his grey eyes amused. 

"Our Ambassador certainly went above and beyond for you." 

Shai scrunched her nose up, feeling more than a little self-conscious at her extravagant appearance; it had been some time since she'd been laced into a gown designed to draw attention. Dorian frowned at her expression and tsked. 

"Oh don't screw your face up like that. You look lovely, though I can't get the full effect of it with you laying down like this. Up, up so I can see you."

Shai groaned and heaved herself off the bed, smoothing her skirts as she grumbled at why Dorian couldn't just wait until they had to get up to go down to the ball to look at her outfit. She planted one hand impatiently on her hip and slouched, her bottom lip jutted out slightly as Dorian scanned her from top to bottom.

"You're Orlesian," he finally pronounced her with a wry grin.

"Gee, thanks," Shai said drily. "Now all my dreams have come true." 

Rhys sniggered and balanced himself onto his elbows. "That's a right shitty dream, then."

Shai cocked an eyebrow but ignored the comment, looking instead at Dorian's ensemble. She'd gotten a glimpse of what the rest of the Inquisition would be wearing to the Winter Palace and thought it all looked positively regal. The formal jacket was a crisp white with gold design around the cuffs and collar, while fringed pads of the same color resided upon the shoulders. The jacket's front was double breasted with two columns of buttons inscribed with minute detailing. A braided, yellow cord crossed Dorian's chest, holding a gold, silk half cape to his person. A brooch of the Inquisition sigil affixed to his left breast finalized the outfit. 

"Wow," Shai said when she was done taking inventory.

"I know, I'm simply dashing aren't I?"

"You certainly look nice," Shai allowed with a smile. Dorian pouted in false hurt.

" _Nice_ is an understatement."

"Oh just give it to him. He won't shut up unless you do," Rhys groaned as he pushed himself into a sitting position. He was identical to Dorian in dress, although his half cape now had a bit of wrinkle to it from his stint on the bed; both men also wore doeskin colored breeches and gloves with shined, leather boots.   

"You act as if I'm simply drowning in vanity," the Tevinter drawled.

"That's because you are, mate."

"And you wouldn't have me any other way."

"Shall I step out and allow you two some time alone?" Shai teased, referencing Dorian's earlier comment. "Dim the lights, perhaps? Have some wine sent up?"

"Ah yes, wine," Dorian said with a gluttonous glint in his eyes. "I quite forgot we'll be privy to sampling some of the finest specimens from Celene's casks tonight."

"We get to drink? Well what the fuck are we still doing up here?" Rhys got to his feet and tugged the hem of his jacket, adjusting the material. "Let's get down there before those damn Orlesians drink it all." 

"Here, here," Dorian agreed. 

As if in response to their words, yet another knock came at Shai's door and she called out "come in" almost immediately. This time it was the Ambassador who crossed the threshold, similarly outfitted to Dorian and Rhys but with her jacket cut in a woman's fashion, cinched around curves men did not possess.

"Perfect, you're dressed," Josephine said, addressing Shai with a beaming--if somewhat relieved--smile. "I was hoping everything was going smoothly. We're expected in the ball room shortly. The last of Celene's guests are arriving and then they will be introducing the Inquisition. You will go first with the Grand Duke, we advisors will follow, and your team members will be third."

"Saving the best for last then," Rhys said cheekily, elbowing Dorian with a wink. 

"Naturally we'll be the life of the party."

"As long as that life doesn't get us kicked out of the palace, then everything will be fine," Josephine said. "You both should return to your chambers, however. Someone will be along to fetch us soon and we must not keep the Empress, or her court, waiting."

Dorian and Rhys departed after throwing eyebrow wiggles and smiles to Shai, something one man said making the other guffaw as they traversed down the hallway to their rooms a floor below. The Ambassador seemed to exhale once they were gone and her face sobered as she looked at Shai. 

"Is something wrong?" 

"Wrong? No, no. My apologies Inquisitor. I was simply thinking of what lies ahead for us tonight. I know Leliana was by to see you earlier?"

"She might've offered some words of advice."

"And outlined what will happen if we were to fail in no unclear terms I imagine. Her...people skills are not always the best," Josephine said with a frown, but her voice was anything but disapproving as she explained her friend's personality. Shai took a long look at the Antivan as the woman worried her bottom lip with her teeth and noted the way Josephine stared concentratedly at the floor, lost in thought.

"We'll do fine," she blurted even though she didn't entirely believe that herself. But the quiet of the room was starting to press in on her and the Ambassador's prolonged muteness was making her unsettled. Josephine jerked at her voice, almost as if she'd forgotten Shai was there and smiled in gratitude, although the expression looked strained. 

"I would hope so. The political situation in Halamshiral hangs by a thread. From what I've been able to gather, the Empress is afraid our presence here could sever it. The Grand Duke, however, is only too happy to have us as his guests, as I'm sure you've been able to deduce."

"I feel like there's a but in there," Shai said. Josephine sighed and continued. 

"But whether we choose to act as Gaspard's allies or upset the balance of power, he gains an opportunity if not a clear advantage." 

"And this is bad?" 

"No...at least I don't really suppose it is. Every ruler has their benefits and disadvantages. Gaspard is very military minded, which could be a bonus in times like these when we must fight a prolonged battle. But there are places where he lacks the support Celene has clinched, and vice versa. It is a delicate situation, but politics wouldn't be despised by so many if they weren't so solidified in grey area. But, if luck is on our side, hopefully we won't have to think of more than stopping any assassination attempts on the Empresses's life."

Shai willed herself to only nod, to not open her mouth and vocalize the question that hung in the air, but her brashness got the best of her and she galloped ahead. 

"And if luck isn't on our side?"

The Ambassador bit her lip delicately and looked towards the balcony doors, out into the inky, Orlesian night. There was not a cloud to be seen in the sky and the moon shown fully down upon the Winter Palace, giving off a ghostly light. 

"Lets just say there is no use worrying until we have cause to," Josephine answered reservedly. Shai nodded twice in acceptance of the verdict, not exactly wanting to think too much into what might be asked of her either. Stopping attempted murder would be cumbersome enough. If something else popped up later, well she'd deal with it then. 

"There you are, Josie. I thought you'd disappeared on us completely for a minute."

Leliana entered Shai's chambers as cat like as she appeared everywhere else, never truly noticed until she wanted herself to be. Behind her ginger-haired form was Cullen, looking resplendent and unnaturally handsome in his jacket, his golden half cape accentuating the broad lines of his shoulders. Shai was glad she had a mask on in that moment.

Her eyes were allowed to roam more freely behind the added barrier without directly being tracked and she greedily drank in the man who was so hell bent on putting an ocean of distance between them. Cullen wasn't doing a lick of good at hiding his thoughts; he was tracing the contours of her body speedily, his golden eyes lighting a fire beneath her skin. Yet he reigned himself in abruptly and the shutters came back in place, his expression stoic and unyielding in the next minute.

"A herald has been sent to bring us to the ballroom," Leliana stated, her head looking so oddly naked without its usual shroud. Josephine ran her hands over the front of her jacket, smoothing material that wasn't disrupted in the least, a nervous gesture on her part.

"Then we best not keep the court--or the Empress--waiting. Oh wait, the masks! Does everyone have--"

Her words broke off as the Spymaster held up a simple, gold confection, the ribbons that would keep it in place dangling on either side.

"Commander?"

Cullen shook himself and grudgingly showed his own mask, the thing looking criminally small in his large hand.

"Alright," Josephine said on an exhale. "Let us go."

She and Leliana followed each other out of the room, passing Cullen who had made no further move to come any further inside than right beside the door. Shai didn't understand why he was just standing there, his eyes slanted away from her, almost downcast. The hand not holding his mask was clenched into a fist and as she took in the gesture, her stomach tightened with how uncomfortable he looked.

Far be it for me to force him to endure my presence, she thought bitterly but not without a familiar pang of hurt in her chest. She gathered her skirts between the index finger and thumb of both hands--remembering her mother's carefully taught lessons--and made for the door, mindful to give the Commander as wide a berth as possible. She had just passed him into the vestibule, unconsciously holding her breath so she didn't have to take in his scent and be reminded of the times they'd spent glued skin to skin, when he said her name and she almost, almost pretended like she didn't hear it.

She owed him back for all the ways he'd acted like he didn't know her. Maker she wanted to be able to keep walking, to let him watch her moving away from him without a backwards glance. She wanted his chest and stomach to constrict with the feeling of loss and abandonment and she wanted his mind to race with anger and frustration as he pondered her unerring silence.

But she was weak, so she stopped, her head held resolutely high, waiting for him to speak. She, however, did not turn to face him, rather he had to finally maneuver around to look her in the eye. And when their gazes met, so close and so steady in what felt like an eternity, to Shai it seemed the air left her lungs and the rest of the world melted away. It was just the two of them, him clearly trying to formulate something into words and her wondering if she'd spontaneously started dreaming that he was finally acting like she was made of something solid and not glass to be looked through.

"Shai...I..."

The next words better be a damned apology, her temper barked internally but she shushed it back down, telling it to wait.

"I...I wanted you to....I wanted to give you..."

The prolonged breaks he was taking between words made her want to scream "out with it!" but she kept her mouth shut, her teeth sinking into the softness of her inner cheek in order to do so.

"Because we don't know what could happen tonight...I thought you...it made sense to me..."

Cullen's lips clamped shut and he grimaced, looking away from her and at the floor before his eyes came back to her face. But they didn't stay there long, instead sliding down to her dress, taking in the intricate tailoring that had gone into the alabaster and gold masterpiece. Something in his demeanor changed, and he cursed beneath his breath, then muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "it doesn't even match--you idiot."

Shai blinked and opened her mouth to ask what he'd said when Cullen's hand abruptly encircled her own and brought it between them. He was careful to only touch the back of it as he held her skin, his gloves cool against her flesh. Something was pressed into her palm, something cold and small, and then he was curling her fingers around it roughly before pulling his hand away.

He wasn't meeting her questioning eyes anymore, staring a hole through the ground instead.

"Cullen," Shai finally croaked, finding her voice at the last minute.

"Juststaysafe," he mumbled, too quickly for her to hear accurately. And then he was past her, his steps going swiftly down the hallway, a small gust of wind at his departure washing over her. Shai whirled on her heel, the walls of the vestibule spinning with her sudden movement. Cullen's back was straight as a ramrod, his half cape swirling in his wake. A set of stairs was at the end of the vestibule's hallway, leading down to the second floor of the guest wing and he paused only for a second at their top. Then he was taking them rather rapidly and he disappeared from view.

Shai's mouth was agape at their rushed interaction, at his manner. He'd acted like it was as hard as pulling teeth to talk to her! She clenched her hands into fists, awash with distress. Against her right palm, she felt Cullen's parting gift. She brought her hand in front of her, looking down as she uncurled her fingers. It was bigger than she'd initially thought--weathered silver in a circular shape--a hole drilled painstakingly at the top with a leather thong through it. _A coin?_  she thought in recognition.

+++++++

Tinkling, melodious music greeted Shai's ears as the ornate doors to the ballroom were opened before her. She'd been scatterbrained since leaving the vestibule, puzzling over what Cullen had given her, trying to string it around her neck beneath the high collar of her dress; giving affirmative answers to whatever things Josephine and Leliana said to her; taking in the painted ceilings and solid gold masonry that seemed to encompass every inch of the Winter Palace, all while working to put one foot in front of the other.

And finally she was getting a moment to catch her breath before her grand entrance. The Grand Duke was standing beside her on her left, conferring in a low voice with a man in Orlesian armor who saluted at the end of their conversation and melted away.

"Business never stops," Gaspard explained with a grin, his accent changing his "S's" into "Z's". Shai offered a thin smile, swallowing drily as her feet seemed to stick to the floor. Tonight the Duke wore a green doublet with an amber and black, decorative jerkin over the top. His pauldrons and couters ended in leather gloves while his greaves and boots rose to meet the tops of green and gold striped, landsknecht pants. A crimson, belted sash crossed his chest, just shy of touching the heavy, pendant chain round his neck.    

"My cousin awaits us," the Duke continued, directing his gaze into the ballroom yawning before them. Shai squinted through the eyeholes of her mask trying to make out anything past the initial swarm of curious faces gazing at her. She could see marble railings draped with royal blue swatches of silk. Lights burned brightly in wall sconces and most prominently from an ornate chandelier commanding the ceiling, a menagerie of gold, winged lion statues about the ballroom catching its reflective glow.

Curious tittering came in wave after wave, crashing over Shai's eardrums and she suppressed the sudden urge to turn around and flee. _Come on, this is old stuff, you've done this before. Yeah_ , she argued with herself, _but its been years. And it was never in front of a fucking Empress and it was never in front of damn near an entire country_.

"Are you prepared to shock the assembly by appearing as the guest of a hateful usurper, my Lady?" Gaspard accompanied his words with a low bow to Shai and offered her his arm as he straightened. 

"Can't top the Mage who blew up a scared temple," she muttered under her breath, a little too loudly as it turned out. The Duke smiled at her wolfishly and laughed, his face covered for the evening in a metallic mask.

"I knew we would get along famously, Inquisitor. They will be telling stories of this into the next age."

A cacophony of trumpets sounded, and Shai couldn't keep herself from jumping.   

"I fear Celene may get maddeningly impatient if we delay too much longer. Shall we?"

Shai numbly took the Duke's proffered arm, her fingers gripping his sleeve perhaps a bit too tightly in her wound tight stage. She felt cold and sweaty simultaneously, her stomach roiling uncomfortably as they took their first steps into the ballroom. The sea of curious Orlesians parted before them, standing even further out of the way as the rest of the Inquisition filed into the ballroom behind she and the Duke.

Shai tried to keep her eyes from darting nervously from side to side. She saw masked face after masked face and a cold tendril of trepidation twisted its way up her spine as she wondered whether an assassin, even now, looked back at her from the masses.

"They are very curious to catch a glimpse of the great Inquisitor," Gaspard said lowly, inclining his head towards her so his words entered only her ears. "There is much speculation about you here at court."

"Then I hope I don't disappoint," Shai responded nervously, her fingers tightening even more on Gaspard's arm. Then they were rounding a corner and coming to the top of patterned, marble stairs. A matching set resided across from them and the two emptied onto a spacious landing, melding into a third bank of stairs that led to the ballroom floor. Shai darted a look to her right, seeing across the sea of people beneath her to where a lone figure stood behind another silk draped, bannister at the opposite end of the room. _Celene,_  Shai thought in awed recognition. 

"And now presenting: Grand Duke Gaspard de Chalons. And accompanying him, Lady Inquisitor Trevelyan of the Ostwick Circle of Magi. Daughter to Bann and Lady Trevelyan of Ostwick. Vanquisher of the rebel Mages of Ferelden, crusher of the vile apostates of the Mage underground! Champion of the blessed Andraste herself."

"Quite a list of achievements," Gaspard remarked nonchalantly as they started down the stairs. Shai kept pace with him, focusing on not tripping over her skirts as she descended step by step, her teeth grinding at the unflattering--and untrue--titles she'd been attributed. They stopped upon the landing, completing a neat turn to face the opposite end of the ballroom.

It was from there Shai got her first glimpse of Empress Celene. The ruler of Orlais dipped her head to she and Gaspard and as the Duke bowed back, Shai remembered herself and dropped into a curtsy. When she straightened she could feel curiosity emanating from Celene, multiplied in its intensity by all of the Empresses's subjects.

"And into the lion's den we go," Gaspard remarked quietly and Shai shivered as they walked down the third bank of stairs before them. When they reached the ballroom floor, the emcee continued his introductions.

"Accompanying the Inquisitor: Seeker Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Filomena--"

"Get on with it!" Casandra's voice rang out, probably a little more audible than the Seeker intended. _But knowing her_ , Shai decided, _maybe not_.

"...Pentaghast. Fourteenth cousin to the King of Nevarra, nine times removed. Hero of Orlais, right hand of the Divine," the emcee finished before drawing a breath and forging ahead. "Ser Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath"--here Shai's heart did a leap--"Commander of the forces of the Inquisition. Former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall. 

Lady Leliana, Nightingale of the Imperial Court. Veteran of the Fifth Blight. Seneschal to the Inquisition and Left Hand of the Divine. And Lady Josephine Cherette Montilyet of Antiva City. Ambassador of the Inquisition."

Shai and Gaspard were slowly but surely crossing the ballroom floor. The emcee had moved on to the rest of the Inquisition, running through the names rapidly now that the main attractions were out of the way.  Shai had to really, really bite her tongue to keep bottled the nervous bit of laughter that threatened to overspill as the emcee incorrectly announced "Her ladyship, Mai Balsych of Korse" because she knew it to be Sera's meddling. _Josephine is going to have her head for that one_ , she thought and then her mind went blank as she and Gaspard reached the landing directly beneath where Celene presided over the ball.

The Empress had silver hair swept back into an intricate looking chignon, her face also covered in a mask. A golden collar sprung from the back of her deep blue dress, framing her neck and head. When she raised her hands for silence, the room obeyed and suddenly Shai felt all eyes glued to her.

"Cousin," the Grand Duke greeted as he nodded to Celene. "And my dear sister."

It took Shai a moment to realize he wasn't speaking to the Empress still, but to another woman who had appeared beside Celene. And while this newcomer was dressed a step down from Celene in extravagance, they were clearly important as evidenced by the Duke's greeting them as his sibling. _Which makes her a Duchess_ , Shai labeled mentally, remembering her lessons on noble hierarchy.

"Grand Duke," Celene said, her accent thick but her voice smooth like perfectly aged whiskey. "We are always honored when your presence graces our court."

Something internal told Shai that was an absolute lie but then again, the Grand Game was built on lies and intricacies.

"Shall we be wasting the night with pleasantries, Celene, and not putting it to better use? Such as the many matters we have to discuss?"

Shai watched the skin around the Empresses's mouth tighten in disdain at her cousin's tone, but she made no remark to rebuke his forwardness. 

"All in due time Gaspard. We will meet for the negotiations after we have seen to our other guests. You would not wish us to forget our manners and be seen as inhospitable would you?" 

Shai's internal monologue stated that Gaspard would happily tell the Empresses's hospitality to go hang and that anyone who needed it to validate their presence was an incompetent fool.

"As you will it...cousin." Gaspard released Shai to bow, his hands gesturing flamboyantly as he bent his upper body parallel to the floor. Without a look backwards, he exited off a set of stairs to their immediate left, bypassing two Orlesian guards.

"Lady Inquisitor," the Empress addressed Shai, folding her hands daintily in midair before herself. "We welcome you to the Winter Palace and hope your journey here was pleasant. We have so looked forward to meeting you and heard many tales about your bravery and heroics. We could not be more honored to have you in attendance tonight."

Shai curtsied again, dipping so low she almost lost her balance and had to recover herself awkwardly at the last minute lest she fall on her arse in front of the entire court.

"Allow us to present our cousin, the Grand Duchess Florianne of Lydes, without whom this gathering would never have been possible." 

Once more Shai curtsied, growing rather sick of the movement, and the Duchess did the same, a smile curving the other woman's lips. 

"What a pleasure to finally meet you face to face Inquisitor; I have heard much. I hope my brother was accommodating and did not offend in any way. He can be...unrefined at times."

"The Grand Duke was fine," Shai assured and then grimaced as she realized "fine" was such a mundane word to use at royal court. "I mean, the Grand Duke was most chivalrous to me and the rest of the Inquisition."

The Duchess's smile stayed in place although it grew a little wider to show more teeth. Shai had to shake off the impression of looking into the face of a cat about to pounce upon a particularly juicy mouse.

"We will certainly speak later, Inquisitor. I have many questions about your adventures and am quite fond of stories. Until then."

Florianne and Shai exchanged polite goodbyes before the Duchess melted away, leaving Celene alone.

"We will of course speak later as well. But for now my Lady Inquisitor, eat, drink, dance, and enjoy all that the Winter Palace has to offer."

+++++++

Shai pressed her thumbs hard into the aching soles of her feet, wincing as she rubbed out another knot of pain, sequestered away in an alcove. She'd danced so many quadrilles, greensleeves, and minuets (plus others she couldn't remember the names to) that her head felt like it would never stop spinning from all the turns, dips, spins, and jumps she'd performed. And Maker, the nobility of Orlais! They couldn't keep their snide remarks from leaving their lips it seemed. 

Shai had caught "a Mage?" barely whispered more than a handful of times, most often accompanied with "a Free Marcher?". One woman had hissed venomously in passing "apostate" and it had taken all of Shai's self control not to turn around and answer _that_  particular comment. As for following the Empresses's command to enjoy herself at the palace, Shai had had no stomach for the rich delicacies being served; her stomach was churning with acid and she somehow doubted puking all over the ballroom floor would make a stellar impression. 

But she had managed to swallow down--quite easily--some goblets of Orlesian wine. The fermented grape drink had gone straight to her head and she'd be lying if she didn't admit that she was also sitting down to collect herself. She'd been making the rounds of the ballroom and its extremities, conversing with guests here and there, spending extra time with her team members, dropping by Leliana and Josephine (never getting too close to Cullen), and avoiding her mother as much as possible though she had been waved over to Cordelia's side for introductions twice. 

Shai hadn't really seen Luis Madrigal much, catching only fleeting glimpses of his dark head through the crowd. He was quite the socializer, always caught up in conversation and a flock of ladies was surrounding him at all times. _Quite similar to how Rhys is faring_ , she remembered with an amused grin. Her friend had been separated from a very put out looking Dorian by a few of the more outgoing mademoiselles and subsequently ferried about the ballroom. 

His face had been flushed with more than wine whenever Shai had seen him and she hoped he wouldn't do anything with any of the attention spewing girls that would cause a problem. She was well aware of the way her friend operated when good intentions left him, not that he ever possessed a lot of them but still.

"Had enough for one night?"

Shai's head jerked up to see Luis standing right before her, his cheeks high with color, his eyes shining with the fever brightness of drink. He didn't sway on his feet but he did look like he needed to rest for a moment and with her eyes, she indicated the bench across from her in the small alcove. He dropped onto the furniture, a small sigh of relief escaping his lips.

"I just needed some time to breathe."

"Mmm," Luis said as he nodded. His eyes fluttered close and he let his head fall back. "Its an inferno out there." 

"I don't know how these people do it." 

"Orlesians and their stamina are one of the great wonders of the world."

"So is their penchant for gossip," Shai tossed out a little more vehemently then it had sounded in her head. Luis's eyes flickered open and found hers, his gaze sympathetic.

"They've been saying a lot?" 

She let one shoulder lift and fall in a lazy shrug before bending to retrieve her discarded shoe and slipping it back onto her foot. 

"I'm used to it by now." 

Luis frowned but his face cleared abruptly, a hopeful look stealing over his features.

"I don't suppose you'd like to dance one more time? Just a quick one, I mean, if you're willing? As a distraction?"

Shai bit her bottom lip, preparing to turn his invitation down by saying that she'd come to the alcove to escape from that very thing and that dancing in her tight shoes wasn't exactly a good distraction from her tumultuous thoughts. But something in Luis's eyes made her suck in her breath and rethink her words. 

"I think I have enough energy left in me," she agreed, noting the way Luis's face lit up at her words. 

"Then Inquisitor, may I have this dance?" 

"Only if you agree to call me Shai." 

"Shai then, will you dance with me?"

"But of course Lord Madrigal."

Luis pulled her to her feet once she'd had a chance to don her shoes and together they exited the alcove, her hand resting on his proffered arm. They maneuvered their way through the Winter Palace crowd down to the dance floor. Shai breathed a small sigh of relief that when the music started, it was a waltz and not something lively. She followed Luis's lead as he took her through the steps, one hand clasping her own while the other rested lightly on the small of her back. 

As they moved together, Shai found the space between their bodies growing ever smaller until they were little more than a few inches apart, although still not as close as some other couples surrounding them. 

"I have to admit I'm a little wonderstruck tonight," Luis finally commented. 

"Of the palace?"

"Of the palace," he affirmed. "Its such grandeur. I'm not used to it."

"It is a tad overwhelming," Shai agreed with a smile which Luis returned. 

"I've been told balls like this are something of a weekly occurrence in Orlesian society."

"One must wonder where they get the ebullience to do it." 

"All the gossip keeps them going," Luis joked and Shai sniggered, ducking her head at the impolite sound. When she returned her gaze to her dance partner's, she found he was looking down at her with laughter in his eyes. The gold flecks of his irises stood out prominently in that moment, jumping out at her across the insubstantial distance between their persons. Their dance suddenly felt a little warmer and Shai became acutely aware of her hand in Luis's.

_Woah there, woah now, time to cool off_ , her mind warned. _People are watching, you don't need to give them more things to talk about_. _Let the stupid Orlesians talk, all they do is talk anyways_ , she defended herself. _But everyone is looking_ , her subconscious reminded. _Cullen is looking_.  The Commander's name was sobering and Shai's face clouded with a frown. She allowed herself to drift backwards from Luis until they were a safer distance apart as they drifted over the dance floor in the final steps of their waltz. 

When the last note was over, Luis stepped backwards and bowed as Shai dipped towards the floor, the skirts of her dress held out to either side. They both brought their hands together in customary applause for the musicians who performed minuscule bows of their own before preparing to begin the next dance. Luis slipped a polite arm about Shai's waist and escorted her from the dance floor, stopping them at the top of the stairs they exited up.

"You're quite light on your feet," he complimented. Shai waved his accolade away good-humoredly, although she couldn't stop her cheeks from heating slightly at the commendation. 

"So are you," she returned and Luis smiled graciously.

"I--"

"There you are! We've been looking _everywhere_ for you love!"

Suddenly she and Luis were surrounded by Rhys and Dorian, both wearing smiles that had to have hurt for how wide they were. Shai raised an eyebrow at her two friends, wondering what they were up to. 

"You must excuse us Ser--I'm sorry, I don't believe I know your name," Dorian apologized with a "silly me" shake of his head. Luis looked to Shai and she rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, a grin at her friend's ridiculousness curving her mouth. 

"Luis of House Madrigal." 

"Luis of House Madrigal!" Dorian sang out, clapping Luis on his shoulder. Shai's eyes widened and she noticed how ruddy Dorian's complexion was. In fact, both he and Rhys were swaying infinitesimally. 

"Really?" Shai asked. "Really? Do neither of you understand the word moderation?"

"Shhhhh," Rhys scolded with a finger wag. "Don't be a party pooper."

Shai crossed her arms and affected an exasperated expression. Luis looked between Dorian and Rhys before understanding dawned in his eyes. 

"I don't believe I've caught your name," he said to Dorian.

"Ah, quite a shame! Dorian of House Pavus. How do you do?"

"Fine thank you," Luis answered with a laugh he hid behind a strategic cough. "And your friend is...?"

"Oh, where are my manners! Rhys, just Rhys. The last name isn't important, mate."

"Oh er I mean of course." 

Luis clasped Rhys's hand in greeting before redirecting his attention to Shai.

"Thank you for the dance," he said softly with a warm smile. 

"My pleasure," she responded before Luis bade them all goodbye until later and left them to their own devices. 

"Well, I do declare!"

"Don't start," Shai warned Dorian.

"Did my eyes deceive me or was I seeing sparks?" Rhys asked with a hand over his heart, his eyes going dreamily distant though it may have been more due to the amounts of wine he'd clearly been partaking in rather any superb acting abilities. 

"Can you both bugger off?" Shai grumbled, starting to walk away from the two men. She hardly wanted to be bothered with what she thought of Luis Madrigal when she didn't even know the answers to that herself. She didn't understand why her body had reacted in the way it had and she knew she shouldn't ever want to know. 

_You're wearing that coin Cullen gave you around your neck_ , she hissed at herself. _You're wearing it and you're dancing with Luis and enjoying it_! Well, it wasn't like she belonged to Cullen, but it did feel a little traitorous despite the fact the Commander hadn't exactly been acting as if he were terribly interested in her anymore. 

"I must say you two make a lovely pair _dancing_   together."

"What's with the emphasis?" She questioned Dorian, not liking the way he wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Because it looked more like flirting, love." Rhys added, a shit-eating grin across his lips. 

"Maybe to you, but it wasn't."

"Mmhmm," both men murmured in disbelief. 

"Oh bite me, the both of you. He asked me to dance and I said yes, end of discussion."

"Sureeee. 'Oh Inquisitor, how lovely you look tonight and how light on your feet you are! And don't mind my hands on your hips, and oh am I entirely pressed up against you? How positively interesting.' "

"Listen--"

"There you are Flash! The Seeker's likely to start breathing fire she's been looking for you for so long."

Varric looked between Dorian and Rhys's gleeful smirks to Shai's glower.  "Did I miss something?" 

"I was dancing--"  


"That's all it was?"

"Button it, Rhys. I was dancing in plain sight. You're telling me Cassandra couldn't see me?" 

Varric shrugged and shook his head. "I don't question the Seeker anymore. I'd prefer not to get a black eye, thank you very much. I, for one, was able to see where you were the entire time but I wasn't about to rub it in."

"Yes but did you see who she was with?" Dorian interjected and Shai could have happily lit his well combed hair on fire. Varric cocked an eyebrow and looked to Shai for an explanation. 

"They're drunk," she said, even as protestations of "No we're not!" issued at her words.

"Ah," Varric said in understanding. "Well, if you're ready to go see Cassandra..."

"Lead the way."

"Don't stay away too long! Luis might want another dance!"

Shai fisted her hands in her skirts as she followed Varric so she wouldn't give Rhys the finger in front of all of Orlais. 

"By the by, Curly was watching you and that kid awful hard from what I could see." 

She couldn't help stopping short, the aged silver coin Cullen had passed to her feeling suddenly heavy as it hung from her neck beneath her gown's collar.

"He uh,"--she swallowed roughly--"he was?"

Varric nodded, trying to look indifferent but failing spectacularly as his lips quirked wryly at the corners. _Damn that dwarf's nose at smelling out a story_.

"Yup," he said, putting extra emphasis on the end of the one syllable word. Shai opened her mouth to curse then shut it abruptly before she could give herself away.

"Nothing happened so..." Shai let her sentence hang, adopting an unaffected attitude. Let Varric speculate all he wanted to about why Cullen was so interested in what had happened on the dance floor. Without confirmation on either hers or the Commander's end that was all it was, pure speculation. But she knew people, namely her closer companions, were far more aware about her affairs than was strictly comfortable. 

"Its none of my business anyways but--Well Cassandra, how nice to see you again. I can honestly say I've been enjoying spending this evening with--"

"Zip. It." Cassandra's brows were drawn down in a sharp frown as she approached and she walked with a rigid gait, borne from her surely resisting the urge to stomp. "Inquisitor, we've been looking for you." 

"Yes, I'm aware," Shai said. "Varric came to get me." 

"See Seeker, I can be useful." 

Cassandra snorted and crossed her arms, her eyes narrowed behind the eyeholes in her mask.

" _Anything_ can be useful if it puts its mind to it."

Varric clapped both hands dramatically to his barrel chest, his half cape rustling. 

"Why Seeker, you wound me! And to think I fought through an entire valley of demons with you." 

"Your theatrics are unbecoming." 

"Bagh!" The dwarf shook his head and held his hands aloft in surrender. "I give up. Good luck," he tossed to Shai before departing, Orlesians jumping out of his way and acting as if they'd almost stepped on him. Varric ignored the gasps and exclamations but Shai's teeth clenched and her lips curled at the pettiness of the whole affair. She was growing vastly tired of the Winter Palace and the people within. For Maker's sake, they'd announced Solas as her elven serving man, had shrunk in fear from the Iron Bull everytime he'd passed, had covered their noses and mouths exaggeratedly with perfumed handkerchiefs in Sera's vicinity...the list went on. 

"Leave it, its not worth it." 

Shai looked at Cassandra who was watching the Inquisition's crossbow wielding dwarf get further and further away until he was swallowed from view. "Getting angry at them is useless."

"This coming from the person who's been spending their night glaring at everyone not belonging to the Inquisition?"

Cassandra made a noise in the back of her throat. "That is different. Come, Leliana wanted me to bring you to her."

Shai didn't think it was all that different--not by her standards, anyways--but nonetheless she followed the Seeker over to the ballroom's main set of double doors. Leliana was perched on a settee, her impassive face now made all the more impossible to read by the mask over its upper half. The Spymaster stood fluidly at their arrival. 

"Good I was hoping I would catch you," Leliana said. "What did the Duke say?" 

"The Duke?" Shai asked blankly. _Gaspard? What does she mean what did he say?_

Leliana's mouth contorted into a thin line and her eyes widened, the blue orbs sharp as ever. 

"Yes, the Duke. When he pulled you aside earlier, what did he say?" 

"Oh." 

Shai blinked through the haze the Orlesian wine had lulled her into and reached into her memory. After she'd greeted the Empress, Gaspard had caught her arm and ferried her about for a few minutes, his voice low so as to keep their conversation from any curious ears. _As a friend, perhaps there is a matter that you could undertake this evening_ , the Duke had whispered. _This elven woman Briala--I suspect that she intends to disrupt the negotiations_.     

Automatically Shai had recognized the name, having been given the list of players in tonight's performance on the carriage ride to Halamshiral. Briala was, if rumors were to be believed, Celene's jilted lover and a guest of the peace talks, invited as an ambassador for the elves. _She has organized herself quite the underground army_ , Josephine had quipped. _Celene invited her to try and gain the elves' allegiance in the war_ , Leliana had added. _She has a personal grudge against the Empress and a network of saboteurs at her disposal. She provides a promising lead_.

"Gaspard thinks its Briala," Shai blurted, remembering Leliana was waiting for an answer and realizing Spymaster and Seeker were looking at her like she'd gone soft in the head. "Sorry, a bit too much wine."

Cassandra rolled her eyes while Leliana's lips curved in an amused smile.

"Celene certainly keeps her guests well plied. Do try and keep your wits about you." Something in Leliana's face changed and she leaned closer to Shai. "The Ambassador is up to something, but she can't be our focus like Gaspard would like. The best place to strike at Celene is from her side. Empress Celene is fascinated by mysticism--foreseeing the future, speaking with the dead, that sort of rubbish. She has an 'occult advisor'. An apostate who charmed the Empress and key members of the court as if by magic. I've had dealings with her in the past. She is ruthless and capable of anything."

"Then you think she is our target?" Cassandra asked lowly at the same time Shai asked, "Celene keeps an apostate at court?" 

Leliana pursed her lips. "I do not know anything for sure, but she is not someone we should overlook. And to answer your question Inquisitor, the Imperial court has always had an official position for a Mage. Before now, it was little better than court jester. Vivienne was the first to turn that appointment into a source of real, political power."

"Of course she was," Shai said, thinking of the imposing and collected Madame de Fer. "So where is this 'occult advisor'?"

"Oh she's around," Leliana assured, her eyes completing a quick sweep from left to right.

"You think this advisor is performing blood magic?" Cassandra demanded darkly. "Controlling the minds of the court isn't a small feat."

"She's certainly worth investigating. Can't be sure of anything here. If you were to slip out and investigate Inquisitor, I'm sure we could keep your presence from being missed too noticeably. If my agents had returned then we would have had more a direction to start in. As it stands, the apostate won't make herself known until she chooses. Its probably best to begin by finding what you can on Briala. Take some people with you, but be careful and don't stay away too long."

+++++++

"This is stupid. They aren't saying anything."

"Well its not like we can hear over your complaining." 

"That's cuz there isn't anything to hear!"

"Maybe _you_ should go speak with them then." 

"Wot? Why? Because I'm an elf?"

"No, because you're so personable."

"Pffft. You're full of it, you are."

"Would both of you shove it for two bloody seconds?" Shai hissed under her breath, her shoulders relaxing a touch when Dorian and Sera compliantly knitted their lips shut.

"You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," the Tevinter Mage whispered with a theatrical sniff. Shai chose to ignore his remark and refocused her attentions on the two elven servants nearby. They were clustered near a marble statue, their backs turned to whomever might pass by. Their voices were pitched far too low for Shai to be able to hear anything, but she hadn't given up just yet.

She tucked a curl behind her ear and screwed her eyes shut, willing her hearing to somehow increase in aptitude. It stayed the same as it always had been for her twenty-four years though, and she growled lowly in defeat. They'd been hiding across the way from the whispering elves for going on five minutes now, their muscles locked in place to avoid making any unnecessary sounds, and they had little to show for their efforts. 

Shai had nabbed Sera, Dorian, and a brooding Blackwall on her exit from the ballroom. All were without weapons and armor, something that didn't go much towards raising confidence in being prepared to face whatever might be hiding within the palace. So far they'd swept through a second guest wing and the Grand Library, finding naught besides a cryptic letter from Celene to an unnamed personage as well as one from the Empress to her cousin. There was little evidence uncovered to tie to Gaspard or Briala for the assassins presumed to be within the palace and Shai had felt a little deflated her investigation hadn't been so easy.

 _Of course we didn't find anything_ , she thought now in lingering annoyance. _It would be far too much good luck for me_.

"We shouldn't stay much longer," Blackwall rumbled as quietly as he could, his voice still above a whisper. Shai barely nodded in acceptance, already having been timing their absence mentally. They'd been gone for nearly half an hour trying to race soundlessly from point A to B to C, their eyes casting over any and everything in hopes of unearthing, well, something. None of them really knew _what_ they needed, just that when it turned up--if it turned up--it would hopefully be unmistakably clear to them.

"This is stupid," Sera bemoaned in a voice that was still far too audible. "We aren't learning shite."

"Funny that the rogue hasn't thought to stealth herself and help us out a bit," Shai shot back acerbically, then bit her tongue in revelation at her words. Maker! How had she been so daft not to think of that before?!

"Stealth," she said, turning to Sera, a growing smile upon her face. "You can use stealth!"

The archer grinned mischievously and bobbed her head. "Took you right long enough. A'rright, here goes."

Sera vanished in a small cloud of smoke, an empty space between Blackwall and Dorian where she had been standing. Shai delivered her gaze back to the whispering elves, watching their conversation continue for a couple more minutes before they guiltily jumped apart as a few guests walked around the corner.

"Back, back, back." Shai urged her companions to retreat around the massive pillar they were camped by, effectively dispelling the accurate image they were eavesdropping.

"Look busy," she added hastily, acting as if she were engaged in perfectly regular conversation with Blackwall and Dorian. Both men stared at her strangely for a second before catching on and they too began to gesture and mimic conversing.

"Are we alone?" Shai asked under her breath, not wanting to turn to see whether the guests had moved on to another room.

"We are," Blackwall assured, his dark eyes looking over her shoulder. Another cloud of smoke was born into existence beside the three of them and then Sera was reappearing, her mouth screwed into a tight pucker, her eyes narrowed in consternation.

"So?" Shai prompted, knowing by the rogue's expression that whatever had been overheard couldn't be good.

"Trouble in the servants quarters. Somethin' about people goin' in and not comin' back."

"Maker's balls," Blackwall muttered darkly. "Murder, why am I not surprised?"

"I presume that's where we'll be headed next?" Dorian guessed correctly. Shai nodded absently, bringing her thumb to her mouth to chew ruminatively on the nail. 

"These outfits are going to stain incredibly quickly. Perhaps Josephine should have had them made with concealing blood in mind," the Tevinter Mage mused softly, casting a glance down at the iridescent white of his formal jacket. Shai grudgingly looked down at her floor-length skirts, noting how the barest edges had already started to grey with gathered dirt.

"We'll just have to watch our steps," she mumbled, wondering how well that would go. A single bell rung out suddenly three times before subsiding. An air of urgency wafted through the air and Shai looked back towards the direction of the ballroom.

"I'm assuming that's for us to return," Blackwall guessed. 

"Yeah...we probably should," Shai agreed reluctantly. They trouped back to the ballroom, weaving around assorted guests. Once through the grandiose doors, they were set upon immediately by Josephine, Leliana, and Cullen. 

"Where have you been?" The Spymaster asked urgently.  

"Duchess Florianne has been looking for you," Josephine jumped in.  

"For me?" Shai asked in surprise.

"Yes she's--"

"Inquisitor Trevelyan. I thought you had wandered away and left us all to be bored for the rest of the night."

Everyone turned at the arrival of the Grand Duchess and her entourage of silent faced ladies in waiting. Collectively, they dropped into curtsies and Shai, swallowing a more than tired groan, reciprocated the greeting for what felt like the thousandth time that night.

"I've been taking in the palace," Shai answered, glad her mask hid the majority of her expression. 

"The Winter Palace is quite a marvelous spectacle. It takes your breath away, non?" 

"Something like that," Shai half muttered, and then more clearly, "Is there something I can do for you, Your Grace?"

"Indeed you can," the Duchess said with a slow grin. "Come, dance with me. I will explain more where we cannot be overheard."

With no other choice, Shai walked stride in stride with the Grand Duchess to the dance floor. She cast a nervous glance over her shoulder to her advisors, noting the looks of speculation they wore. Save Cullen, however, who's features had frozen themselves sternly in what couldn't be mistaken as anything other than concern. Shai swallowed a sudden lump in her throat and returned her attention to the woman at her side.

"You are not sick of dancing tonight, are you Inquisitor? We could always go somewhere more private."

A sixth sense told Shai that public was better than a secluded room where the Duchess was concerned and she shook her head, plastering a gracious smile onto her face. 

"Your Ladyship is most kind. But I don't find myself so sick of dancing I couldn't oblige you for one more." 

"Excellent." 

The occupants of the dance floor cleared a path for Inquisitor and Grand Duchess, eyes darting to and from the women. The first notes of a song were strung from a mandolin and Florianne's hand positioned itself palm to palm with Shai's as they faced each other. In rhythm with the music, they began to circle in slow revolutions. Around them other couples fanned out to cover every inch of the dance floor.

"You are from the Free Marches, are you not?" Florianne questioned. "How much do you know about our little war?"

"The effects of this war reach far beyond the borders of the Orlesian Empire." 

"Perhaps it does. I should not be surprised to find the Empire is the center of everyone's world." 

 _HA!_ Shai thought. _So much like an Orlesian to think the rest of Thedas gives as much a damn about the Empire as they do_.

"It took great effort to arrange tonight's negotiations. Yet one party would use this occasion for blackest treason. The security of the Empire is at stake. Neither one of us wishes to see it fall."

"Do we both want that, Lady Florianne?" Shai asked coyly, adhering to the standards of the Game. Direct questions were considered gauche in high society, its members preferring vague, roundabout inquiries. Both women let their hands fall, tucking their arms now behind their backs. In sync, they stepped lightly first to one side then the next of the other, never breaking eye contact. 

"I hope we are of one mind on this," Florianne responded smoothly, promptly twirling after her answer. Shai's right arm settled itself across the Duchess's shoulders and Florianne's arm layered itself on top of Shai's. Locked together the way two bulls will lock horns, they circled each other in tight, quick rotations. 

"In times like these, its hard to tell friend from foe, is it not, Your Grace?" 

"I know you arrived here as a guest of my brother, and that you've been doing more than just 'taking in the palace'. You are a curiosity to many, Inquisitor...and a concern to some." 

"Am I the curiosity or the concern to you, Your Grace?" Shai inquired as they replaced linked arms with their unlinked counterparts, circling back the other direction now.

"A little of both actually. This evening is of great importance Inquisitor. I wonder what role you will play in it. Do you even yet know who is friend and who is foe? Who in the court can be trusted?"

They dropped their arms, tucking them once more behind their backs as they repeated earlier motions, their gazes never wavering from each other's. Shai felt on autopilot, like the long buried nobility part of her brain had decided to take over for the time being. Her feet moved nimbly, remembering dance steps from ages past, falling back into a rhythm they'd once practiced unendingly until the mother of their owner was satisfied. 

"An excellent question. I might ask the same of you."

Florianne laughed softly, her lips spreading in a wide smirk. "Aren't you delightful! In the Winter Palace, everyone is alone. It cannot have escaped your notice that certain parties are engaged in dangerous machinations tonight."

"I thought 'dangerous machinations' were the national sport in Orlais."

Their palms met swiftly as hands were rejoined, their faces barely a foot apart as the intensity of their conversation grew. Shai was vaguely aware that the other couples dancing with them had melted away one by one until she and Florianne were the only ones left. 

"You have little time," the Duchess warned suddenly. "The attack will come soon. You must stop Gaspard before he strikes. In the royal wing garden, you will find the captain of my brother's mercenaries. He knows all Gaspard's secrets. I'm sure you can persuade him to be forthcoming." 

Shai removed her hand from Florianne's and the two women stepped backwards from each other before dropping into low genuflections, polite applause greeting the end of their dance.

"We'll see what the night has in store, won't we?" Shai remarked softly, an undercurrent of severity behind her words. Her mind was working with all that the Grand Duchess had just revealed, mainly the implication of her brother, the Duke. _Who to trust_ , she mused. _Who to trust?_

+++++++

An hour later Shai snuck through a set of ornate glass doors and quickly hid behind a towering, decorative shrub. A pair of heeled boots belonging to one Monsieur de la Fontaine clicked past her and stopped not three feet away.

"Inquisitor? Zut alors where have you gone mon Cherie?"

Shai held her breath and willed herself smaller that she might escape the searching eyes of the Monsieur. The man was insatiable! She'd danced not one, not two, but five dances with him one right after the other. And he was looking for number six when she'd excused herself hastily to get some air. Unfortunately he didn't quite understand --or more likely he did but was declining to acknowledge it--that she wanted to take her air by herself. 

He'd come sniffing after her like a Mabari in heat leaving her precious time to outrun him and or conceal herself.  Thank the Maker Orlesian's love of extravagant things carried over to their decor. The shrub she was currently hiding behind wouldn't have done much in the way of hiding her had it been a plain Ferelden one. But the towering mass of foliage expertly kept her shielded and after a few minutes of fruitless searching the Monsieur moved on and Shai heaved a sigh of relief.

After she'd ended her turn about the dance floor with the Duchess, Monsieur de la Fontaine had appeared at her elbow eagerly, his eyes hungrily appraising from behind his mask as he requested a dance. She'd been ready to decline, had had a polite refusal balancing on her lips, when the music had begun and she'd been pulled along by the Monsieur before she could voice her rejection. 

If she'd thought her feet had hurt before, she'd been sorely mistaken because that was nothing compared to the throbbing coming from them now. She wondered whether she'd be able to keep her bare feet hidden beneath her skirts if she decided to ditch her slippers in favor of comfort. Deciding Josephine might have an aneurysm right in the middle of the ball if she were found out, Shai grudgingly kept her shoes on, resigning herself to hobbling through the rest of the night. 

She planned on giving her poor appendages a nice, long soak in hot water once this whole thing was over and done with. Which reminded her, Florianne had thrown Gaspard into the spotlight of suspicion and volunteered the captain of his mercenaries as a possible informant. Shai, for one, had no idea why Gaspard would implicate himself with hired mercenaries in the palace, but she was quickly learning to just accept whatever she was told and draw her own conclusions later. 

Carefully she extricated herself from her hiding place and smoothed the front of her skirts. They still needed to investigate the trouble in the servants quarters on top of following up on the lead Florianne had provided. The night was requiring so much running back and forth that she was constantly short of breath and flushed with exertion. _Let this all be over with soon_ , she wished fervently, knowing the faster she and her team got through the servants quarters and the royal wing garden, the sooner she could be excused from duty.      

Resolving to finish what had been started, Shai turned to re-enter the palace and stopped dead. Monsieur de la Fontaine was strategically positioned just inside the glass doors she'd exited through, one hand propped on his hip while the other lazily held a crystal goblet by its slender stem. He was talking to a group of tittering women but hardly seemed invested in the conversation. Instead he was searching left and right and Shai knew exactly who he was hoping to spot.

As stealthily as she could she backed away before whirling on her heel and taking off. At least she tried to; her cumbersome shoes made fast movement difficult. Blindly she wove around statues and decorative foliage, convinced at any second she would hear the Monsieur calling to her. The area she was within ended in a set of stone stairs, which she descended quickly to find herself standing upon grass facing a marble fountain surrounded by lines of hedges.

Shai breathed a little easier now that she'd put a decent amount of space between her and the Monsieur. She glanced around taking in the landscaping and decoration, fiddling absently with the coin hanging around her neck. Benches were aligned against the sides of the hedges here and there, stationed between white wooden trellises with scores of flowers climbing the slats. The tinkling sound of water as it cascaded from the top of the fountain filled the air with a natural melody that lent the space a magical feel.

Hanging lanterns swung from thin poles, lighting the way for exploring guests. Shai moved past the fountain and took a left on a whim, her steps lazy and aimless as she moved over the grass turned silver by the moonlight. A woman's giggling followed by a man's deeper timbre came to her on a gust of wind and with a wry smile Shai drew closer to the sound, feeling a little heady and daring from the couple glasses of wine she'd downed earlier.

"But messere you must allow me," the woman lisped, her voice high and cajoling. The man started to reply but was hushed almost immediately and Shai heard the wet pucker of lips sloppily meeting. Thinking she was stumbling upon a drunken romp that would have all the appearances of two powdered pigs in wigs madly conjugating, she peered around a hedge corner and felt the blood drain from her face. 

There stood Cullen with the top couple buttons on his jacket undone with an Orlesian noblewoman pressed against him. Her rouged mouth moved over his and his hands gripped her bare shoulders tightly. With a wicked smile that revealed a row of small white teeth, the woman boldly brought a hand down between them and slipped it confidently between Cullen's legs, cupping him through his breeches.

Shai and he both jumped in unison and she must've made a noise for his head whipped around and his face, at first splashed with a look of mortification at being caught, went deadly pale when he saw who had stumbled upon him. They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity while the woman looked confusedly between them.

"I beg your pardon Mademoiselle. It is not nice to snoop," the Orlesian reprimanded teasingly. "Of course if you would like to watch you are more than welcome. The Messere and I do not mind."

She ran a hand through Cullen's hair but he snatched his head away and pushed her from him at the same time. She stumbled back a step with an undignified cry and her mouth twisted into a small knot of displeasure.

"What is ze meaning of zis?!" 

But Cullen didn't deign her with a response. His undivided attention was on Shai who had clamped her teeth together so snugly she thought her jaw might snap. It was akin to being punched in the gut finding him with some...some...filth wrapped around him like that. And after he'd given her the coin round her neck, after he'd made it seem like something important...

"I can explain," Cullen stuttered taking a stride towards her. She halted him with a hand extended between them and her voice was admirably steady when she spoke, betraying none of her inner turmoil.

"Commander, it is none of my business how or with whom you take your pleasure. But for the sake of the Inquisition's reputation, I suggest you be more discreet in future endeavors." 

And with that Shai turned on her heel and hurried away as gracefully as she could, biting her lip hard to keep the prickle of angry tears at bay. She dashed a hand against her eyes and it luckily came away devoid of moisture. She wouldn't cry over him, she wouldn't dare cry over a man who hadn't been man enough to tell her he didn't wish to continue what they had because he would rather take his pleasure elsewhere. She wouldn't waste one more damnable minute missing his touch or his kiss or the way his voice softened when he spoke to her. She would wipe every feeling she still held for Cullen from her body--

"Inquisitor! Shai, wait!"

She ignored his voice as it called her name, her hands fisting in the fabric of her skirts as she lifted the impeding material away from her legs.

"Do not fret Messere. You are allowed to indulge yourself, non?" The Orlesian woman's voice came girlish and lisping. Shai angrily wondered what it was about sounding like such a simpleton that the woman thought would attract Cullen's attention. _C_ __le_ arly it worked _ , she thought bitterly, her chest and throat tight with anger, embarrassment, and the lovely feeling of hurt that had seemed to permanently lodge itself within her since she'd returned from the Western Approach.

"Stop grabbing my bum!" Cullen yelped, sounding trapped and frustrated. The Orlesian lady "humphed" very loudly, a child being denied its toy.

"Suit yourself Messere. Zey all come back sooner or later."

Shai increased her pace when she picked up the sound of footsteps running after her.

"Damn this bloody outfit," she growled. The shoes were far too fancy for proper walking and the heels of them sank into the soft ground with each step she took. Her chest rose and fell in restricted movement as the gown's corset cinched tightly around her ribs every time she drew a breath. 

Consequently she was panting quite hard for having briskly walked only a short distance. If she could just make her way back to the stairs, she could get inside and away before he could catch her. If she could just get back to the stairs, they were so close--

"Shai please, wait." 

A large hand encircled her upper arm and pulled her to a halt. Every part of her was hyper aware of Cullen's body so close to her own but she refused to meet his eyes, instead looking away stonily, her jaw working itself back and forth. Her palms felt hot and she clenched her fingers into fists, every muscle in her arm standing out at the gesture. 

"Shai..." Cullen's tone was utterly lost and ruefully apologetic. But she couldn't wipe from her mind the image of the noblewoman's hand suddenly snaking to cup him between his legs or the way she had pressed her mouth salaciously against his own. It made Shai see red and grind her teeth. For a second she considered going back and pushing the far too touchy woman into the fountain. 

"Shai I don't know--Maker, she followed me and wouldn't leave. And I didn't know how to make her stop and then you came at the wrong time and just--please just look at me."

"No." 

Shai's voice cut like a whip, hard and unforgiving. She wasn't interested in hearing him out, didn't want to have that conversation. He didn't get to speak to her now after weeks of silence because he'd fucked up and been caught red handed. That wasn't how it was going to go, not in her book.  Cullen exhaled defeatedly and his hand dropped away from her. 

She snuck a glance to find it was now clapped to the back of his neck and his eyes were downcast. He looked so thoroughly stricken and embarrassed that she wanted to kick herself for not allowing him to explain, but her stubborn disposition kept her from providing absolution.  _ Jealousy is a powerful thing_, her subconscious murmured.  _ No fury such as a woman scorned _ .

"I--I don't know what to say. I'm sorry...I'm just--sorry," Cullen said quietly. "Forgive me."

He backed away and she counted a solid ten seconds before looking in his direction; he was gone, completely vanished from sight.Her shoulders sagged and she wrapped her arms around herself. _Why, why, why, why_ , she asked herself over and over.  _Because the night wasn't going well enough already. Fuck, fuck, fuck_ \--

"There are you are. I've been looking for you all over. The Monsieur is fretting over his lost dance partner by the...are you alright love?" Rhys appeared coming down the garden stairs, his face flushed and his hair untidily tousled, a goblet of wine in one hand. 

"Fine, why do you ask?" Shai said forcefully. "Florianne told me we should look into the Royal Wing. Something about Gaspard's mercenary captain. And we haven't gone through the bloody servants quarters yet so we need to get on that--I hate this fucking night!" 

She was suddenly very much in the mood to hit something, her blood pumping furiously in her ears, her skin tingling and feeling hot all over. She recognized her body gearing up for a fight and she held on to her adrenaline rush. Rhys was looking at her cautiously, his eyes squinting against the wine haze that surely mugged his head. 

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, I will be. Let's get the others and finish this shit." 

_And Cullen be damned to the blackest pit of betrayers_ , she thought as she marched towards the palace doors. Then a second later, _I mean, don't really send him there but I still wanna punch him...and that twat he was with._

+++++++

"Watch where you step."

"I don't think there's a clean space in here."

"All the more reason to be careful, kiddos." 

"Caught in the middle of this crap. What fully qualified arsehole stops to kill a cook?"

"The ones we'll probably be meeting very soon by the look of things."

"Frigging garbage."

"Guys, really, watch where you step." 

Shai had her skirts up as high as they would go without revealing anything untoward. The servants quarters were worse than they'd thought; copious amounts of bodies and blood covered the stone floors. Fat, sluggish flies buzzed to and for, alighting on waxen, lifeless faces. The smell of death and decay hung heavy in the air and they'd all been constantly gagging since entering. 

"I think I'm gonna throw up," Varric said miserably, his face an unhealthy shade of green. 

"Well do it over there...away from me," Sera hiccuped, clapping one hand to her mouth while she pointed in the opposite direction with the other.

"We need to keep moving," Rhys said haltingly, his throat closing up as he spoke. Shai nodded, her eyes starting to water at the stench, and looked behind her.

"Hows it hanging Bull?"

"Not so good boss. I think--" The Qunari clapped both hands to his mouth, his good eye going wide in his face. After a moment he swallowed audibly, releasing his breath in a massive exhale. "I'm alright now."

"The exits up there," Shai determined with a nod towards an open door beyond which could be seen moonlit grass. The group of them almost ran for it, their feet slapping loudly against the stones as they dodged bodies and puddles of blood. The mild Orlesian night swept over them as they stopped to fill their lungs with pure air that didn't come with the awful reek of death.

Shai dropped her skirts and braced her hands on her knees as she bent in half, blinking away the reactionary tears that had gathered in her eyes. The servants quarters had been a mess but they were in no way, shape, or form the worst they would be seeing tonight, that she knew for certain.

As she and Rhys had made to rejoin the rest of the palace occupants within the ballroom, a low, sultry voice had bade Shai to stop. Turning, she'd seen an unfamiliar woman sweeping towards them, dressed in a dark gown that ran contrarily to the bright, gay colors the rest of the Empresses's guests were garbed in. _Well, well, well, what have we here?_ the woman had said, her luminescent gold eyes flashing from a pale face.

And so had initiated Shai's introduction to Morrigan, the 'occult advisor' Leliana had been so leery of. What Morrigan ultimately revealed was the presence of Venatori within the palace and Shai's stomach had lurched at the news. _It can't ever just be simple, can it? It always has to get ten times worse_ , she'd growled lowly. _Nothing in this world is ever simple_ , Morrigan had replied with a wicked smile.

So now they hunted, well, Shai wasn't very clear who they actually hunted. The Venatori infiltrators for one, the would be assassins for two (who could actually be the Venatori), and then whomever had created the carnage within the servants quarters for three (who might also be the Venatori).

"Well shit...there's more."

Shai straightened and scanned where Varric was staring to see a haphazard trail of additional corpses dotting the cobblestone trail laid out before them.

"Great," she answered as her gut rumbled with trepidation. She had the distinct feeling they were way in over their heads. Only three of them carried weapons, filched last minute from a stumbled upon armory. Shai and Rhys were without staves, something that wouldn't greatly impede their casting but Shai still felt naked without it. She kept wanting to reach to her back and unhook it, only to encounter nothing but air with her grasping fingers. 

"We following the trail or not?" Bull asked, the great sword he'd nabbed already in his hands, ready for anything. Shai peered ahead, trying to make out what they were walking into. Nothing besides arched trellises dripping with foliage and a gurgling fountain in the distance greeted her curious eyes. Her palms were beaded with cold sweat as were her brow and back. She couldn't shake the distinct urge something was waiting for them just beyond.

"Bull, you and I'll take point. Everyone else, on us."

Shai positioned her hands before her body, her mana bubbling to life as she prepared to cast first and ask questions later. Cautiously she and Bull stalked forward, the whisper of her skirts against the ground the only sound made. The cobblestones abruptly ended in a ledge a good couple feet above the ground. Shai worried her bottom lip as she weighed jumping down versus trying to find some stairs when she caught sight of a body laying just before the fountain. 

In another second she'd kicked off her offending shoes and was lowering herself over the ledge, shock waves roiling up from her feet through her legs as she landed in a semi-crouch. Her team followed one by one, Varric grunting a bit as he almost lost his balance and toppled over. She edged closer to the body, eyes darting from side to side in anticipation of an ambush. 

"Whose the sorry bastard?" Sera asked. 

"Not a servant by the looks of him," Rhys answered, noting the dead man's finer dress. "Whoever he is, he looks important."

Shai's eyes settled on the dagger plunged through the man's back, a copse of red surrounding the lethal looking weapon. 

"Is that...Gaspard's family crest on the hilt of that dagger?" She asked in recognition of the heraldry. "Tell me I'm not seeing this." 

"It matches the crest on the armor he was wearing the other day," Varric said as he crouched to get a better look at the dagger. "Yup, same one." 

"Shit keeps getting better and better," Bull rumbled. "The fun never stops in Orlais, does it?"

"I think its time to have a word with--"

Shai's words were interrupted by a loud shriek that sent all of them into defensive stances, weapons drawn and at the ready. An elven girl, struggling to run fast enough in her uniform's skirts, came tearing towards the fountain from a separate pathway, her eyes wide with terror. She caught sight of Shai and her team, rearranging her trajectory towards them. 

"HELP M--"

A small dagger erupted through the girl's chest, a cloud of blood bursting forth. The girl gave a small scream and crumpled to the ground, crimson liquid spilling from her back and chest to soak the earth beneath her body.

"Who the fuck--" Sera began in outrage, her voice drowned out by a mass of running feet. Three Venatori soldiers came charging after the girl, their swords drawn. Leading them was a lithe figure clad in a white and red checked outfit, a painted mask covering the front of their face. The figure held two slim daggers in each hand and slid to a stop as they caught sight of Shai. A cloud of smoke erupted around the figure and they vanished from sight only to reappear some leagues away, perched on top of a nearby balcony.

They stood smoothly to face Shai although no eyes greeted her own. And then they were gone, turning to exit through the balcony's doors. She felt her internal temperature rocket down a few degrees as she recognized the figure was dressed almost identically to the assassin who'd been apprehended by Cullen the night before.

"We've got company!" Rhys yelled as a shouted challenge issued from the Venatori. Pivoting on her feet, Shai cast a barrier around herself just in time to prevent a Venatori soldier from taking off her head. The agent's sword struck repeatedly against an invisible wall, their angry cry echoing from behind their helmet. Shai took the opportunity to fade step away, circling the fountain and coming up behind a different opponent.

Clapping her hands together she conducted a lightning bolt through her adversary's body, dropping him readily. In her peripheral vision, she watched a second Venatori meet his end pumped full of arrows and bolts from Sera and Varric. The agent who she'd initially encountered was currently getting rather closely acquainted with Bull's great sword and Rhys's spells.

"Yuck!" Sera declared, holding her now stained formal jacket away from her body. Shai took a look at her skirts and knew she was in the same boat. The alabaster material was flecked with splatters and spots of Venatori blood; there would be no going back into the ballroom unobtrusively now. She caught sight of her other friends and raised an eyebrow.

"I hope no one was wanting to dance some more?"

+++++++

Some time later they stood clustered around another group of bodies in the royal apartments, the corpses all wearing Inquisition armor. Shai stared down at the two men and one woman joined in death together, their throats neatly slit.  

"I think we've found our Spymaster's missing men..."

"Man, I would not want to be the one to have to tell her about this. Red heads are fiery as hell on the regular but Leliana--" 

"Wait...do you hear that?" Varric interrupted Bull, and his words brought them to attention as they listened for what his ears had picked up. Sure enough the muted tones of conversation drifted to them, underlaid with the sound of clinking armor. 

"More Venatori, yeah?" Sera questioned as she nocked an arrow. 

"Who else would it be?" Rhys responded drily and somewhat wearily as he flexed his hands. 

"Up there around that corner I think," Shai guessed, using her chin to indicate where she was talking about. Around them sat furniture and various pieces draped in white sheets, a ghostly, haunted quality emanating from them. It had given Shai an initial start, her elevated awareness mistaking a covered grandfather clock for a hidden enemy. Only after she'd reduced the clock to a smoldering heap of ashes did she sheepishly realize her mistake.

"Lets not keep those dirty Vints waiting," the Iron Bull said, cracking his knuckles before pulling his great sword smoothly from his back. He'd removed his half cape not long after their initial skirmish with the Venatori, complaining it was getting wrapped around his sword as he ripped it from his shoulder. Subsequently, Varric and Sera had followed suit in favor of their weapons with Rhys holding out on not wanting to "stop looking dashing just yet" until a Venatori agent had body slammed him to the ground by fisting one gauntleted hand in the cape's material.

"Right behind you Tiny," Varric assured, notching a bolt into his crossbow. "Darlene here is ready for anything."

"Darlene?" Sera asked, wrinkling her nose. "You named it already?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Nothin'. You're just daft is all," Sera said with a giggle.

"On three?" Rhys asked as a barrier washed over he and Shai. She gave a thankful smile to her friend, lightning zapping between her fingers as she prepped her favored static cage.

"Three!" Bull yelled and charged forward, leaving the rest of them to play catch up. They skidded around the corner, Rhys and Shai flanked by Sera and Varric with the Qunari spearheading the quintet. The usual startled shouts of surprise came from more Venatori agents as they were abruptly set upon. Spells and arrows began flying from both sides, a full bellied laugh of glee issuing from Bull as he sent two Venatori flying with one swift sweep of his sword.

"Come on you yellow-bellied bastards!"

"The little guy really likes provoking people, doesn't he?" Rhys called to Shai over the pained scream of a Venatori meeting its end against Bull's fury.

"You haven't seen the half of it!" She called back, sending an enemy archer fleeing in panic with flames licking their way up his boots. In a few more flashes of spells, whizzes of arrows, and shouts of triumph, the conflict was over and won. Shai passed the back of a hand over her forehead, drawing away the sweat that threatened to spill down into her eyes.

"Oh that felt good," the Iron Bull nearly growled as he spun his great sword effortlessly in one, massive hand. His face suddenly contorted and his mouth opened in a snarl. "Hey there's one left!" 

Shai whirled to see a lone survivor hurrying away, the Venatori's arms clamped tightly around its middle to stem a wound. Before any of them could move to follow the escapee, a dagger flew through the air and struck the retreater square in the face. The Venatori fell backward to the ground, a gurgling noise coming from its throat as it twitched twice before laying still, revealing a slim woman garbed in a green dress. 

"Fancy meeting you here," the woman said, stepping nimbly around the body of her victim. "Inquisitor Trevelyan, what a surprise! My reports said you were incredibly boring."

"So sorry to disappoint," Shai retorted, crossing her arms. "Ambassador Briala I presume?"

Briala grinned coldly and made a courtly bow. "At your service. You've cleaned this place out," she observed looking around. "It will take a month to get all the Tevinter blood off the marble. I came down to save or avenge my missing people, but you've beaten me to it. So...the council of Herald's emissary in the courtyard...that's not your work, is it?"

"A council emissary?" Shai asked, brow furrowing. "That's who that man was?" 

"By your reaction I'm guessing the answer is no. Unless, of course, you're secretively a skilled actress. You may have walked arm and arm with the Grand Duke, but you don't seem to be doing his dirty work." 

"You really think it was Gaspard who killed that man?" 

Briala shrugged. "Whether it was Gaspard or one of his lackeys, the emissary is dead by the Grand Duke's dagger. That is hardly something that can be overlooked. I knew he was smuggling in chevaliers, but killing a council emissary? Bringing Tevinter assassins into the palace?"

"How can you be so sure this is all Gaspard?" Shai challenged skeptically, suddenly remembering Florianne's warning that everyone in the Winter Palace was alone. She was hesitant to believe one person's speculations over another's, despite the fact that the Grand Duchesses's suspicions of her brother had sent them into the servants quarters unerringly.

"Don't let Gaspard's charm blind you," Briala said breezily. "He's Orlesian. That smile is his mask. But I misjudged you Inquisitor. You might just be an ally worth having. What could you do with an army of elven spies at your disposal? You should think about it."

"I'm hardly in the place to be making snap judgements," Shai countered casually. "Especially when all the players in the Grand Game have yet to be unmasked."

Briala's lips twitched and her luminous silver eyes gleamed from the eyeholes of her mask. "You're clever. A good trait to have and one you should keep. But don't let it cloud your judgement thinking everyone is a foe tonight, or you might find yourself truly alone when all is said and done. I know which way the wind is blowing. I'd bet coin that you'll be part of the peace talks before the night is over. And if you happen to lean a little bit our way? It...could prove advantageous for us both, just a thought."  

With her offer hanging in the air between them Briala departed as suddenly as she appeared, her silent tread taking her away into the shadows.

"Another person wanting our help," Sera commented once the elven Ambassador was gone from sight. "Everyone is so needy."

"I'd say desperate is the more appropriate word," Varric said drily.

Sera grinned, her teeth looking dangerously pointed with the lack of light. "You'd think we were people or somethin'."

"You would, wouldn't you?" Varric chuckled. "So, what's next? We've definitely got more rooms of these assholes to clear out."

"It would be too good for us if we didn't, mate," Rhys remarked as he examined a bloodstain on the edge of his collar, offensively close to his face.

"This is gonna get hella interesting when we have to go back to the ballroom," Bull predicted.

"Let's go down, see if we can work our way around to the Royal Wing," Shai decided, taking the lead. Her team followed closely behind, Rhys coming to walk beside her as they searched for stairs.

"Still doing 'fine'?" He asked, his mask gone from his face as was hers and everyone else's with them.

"Just hoping we survive all this."

Rhys laughed lowly. "Any other time, I'd say that wasn't much to ask for. But tonight--"

"Everything's gone ass backwards and belly up," Shai finished with a grimace.

"That's one way of putting it. I was gonna say shot to hell."

"Who do you think it is?" She asked abruptly, wanting her friend's counsel. "Based on what we know, what Florianne told me, what Gaspard's said, what Briala just revealed...who do you think is pulling the strings?"

"Honestly?" Rhys sighed and looked to the ceiling as if the massive, domed architecture would offer some answers. _If only they would_ , Shai thought achingly. _They've probably seen everything there is to see tonight_.

"I don't know who to believe," he finally said. "Everyone is hanging someone out to dry and pointing fingers at anyone but themselves...its hard to say who's telling the truth. Florianne's accusing Gaspard--her own brother--and Gaspard accuses that elf woman and she accuses him back. Its a right bloody mess, love."

"And fuck if I know how to clean it up," Shai muttered as they turned a corner and finally found a flight of stairs. The blood decorating the walls and marble floors was nothing new by this point and they passed by the crimson puddles with disinterested glances. Sera happened to slip in one such obstruction and went down with a series of curses, continuing her epithets after regaining her feet due to the soaked seat of her breeches.

"Right, this is fuckin' nasty," she spit as she waddled awkwardly along.

"Can't be the worst puddle of something you've ever ended up in," Rhys teased. Sera shot him a look that, if he remembered his time having sand stuffed into his face by her, should've cowled him into submission. But apparently his memory failed him because he continued making jabs at her expense until Bull had to snag her around the waist and hold her off the ground to prevent a brawl.

"Children please, we have an important mission to handle," Varric scolded as Sera tried to swing at Rhys from Bull's grasp.

"Say one more thing, I dare you!" The archer dared, her mouth screwed into a snarl. Rhys was opening his mouth to sign his death sentence when a cry erupted from somewhere down the hallway to their left. Shai's feet were already starting to run by the time her brain caught up with them and her companions were quick to follow. Her head swiveled from side to side as she tried to determine from behind which closed door the cry had come when it sounded again directly to her right and she pushed into the room without a second thought.

Another elf was sprawled on the floor, one hand raised defensively in front of her face. And yet another of those masked, patterned outfit people stood before them, twin daggers shining dangerously in the light coming from the room's fireplace.  _More assassins_ , Shai thought with gritted teeth. And as the elven girl's eyes flicked to the room's newest occupants, so did her attacker.

Without hesitation Shai rushed forward and planted a solid kick in the middle of the assassin's chest, sending them sprawling backwards through the conveniently open window behind them. She forgot during her savior moment that she was in skirts and she wobbled precariously on the edge of falling flat onto her backside until Rhys's arms came around her and held her steady.

"Thanks," she said as her body was righted. When she turned to look at the elven girl, Varric was already crouched down next to them conversing in low tones.

"Are you alright?" Shai asked, dropping down beside her dwarven companion.

"I'm fine now, thank you. I thought I was done there for a second." The elf's brows drew together in consternation and her eyes clouded. "But no one's supposed to be here...Briala said...I shouldn't have trusted her." 

"And the truth shall set you free," Rhys quoted drily and Varric grunted in acknowledgement.

"What's your name?" Shai queried as she helped the elf to her feet. 

"Its Arlen, your...your..." Arlen's brows knitted as she struggled for the appropriate title. 

"Shai is fine," Shai said, watching the elf's features smooth as she nodded. "Arlen, is there a reason you don't trust Briala?"

"I knew her...before...when she was Celene's pet."

The last word was spit vehemently unless Shai was mistaken.

"Now she wants to play revolution. But I remember, she was sleeping with the Empress who purged our alienage."

"I've heard tales about Halamshiral," the Iron Bull interjected wistfully, as if he were racking his brain for that particular history lesson.

"Then you know an entire race of people was wiped out," Arlen replied, her voice trembling slightly. "And Briala was in bed with the enemy the entire time!"

"Could you testify to that?" Shai asked hurriedly, pieces of the puzzle clicking into place within her mind. "I mean, would you testify to that...if I asked?"

Arlen pondered her words for a half minute before nodding. "Yes, I would. You've saved my life and I am in your debt. If...if the Inquisition will protect me, I'll tell you everything I know about our 'Ambassador'."

"It could help but, the Empress sleeping with an elf? Wouldn't that be considered Celene's scandal?" Varric asked as he rubbed his chin, stubble rasping against his gloved hand. Shai shook her head.

"We'll work on that part later. Listen, go the ballroom and...and find Commander Cullen or Ambassador Montilyet. Anyone wearing the Inquisition sigil can help you. They'll keep you safe."

"Thank you," Arlen whispered. "Maker protect you Inquisitor."

The elven girl gave a last, cursory look to her saviors before departing the room.

"Things just keep getting better and better," Shai murmured to herself, placing her hands on her hips as she paced back and forth. _Florianne says Gaspard, Briala says Gaspard, then Briala's whatever Arlen is says Briala...nothing makes any fucking sense._

"Yeah you've got that right," the Iron Bull agreed, making Shai realize she'd been speaking out loud.

"So, which of these dingbats are we going after?" Sera asked with a scowl. "I say we just arrest them all. Let them fight it out until they start making sense."

"If only," Varric sighed.

"We won't know anything for certain until we talk to Gaspard's merc captain," Shai ascertained. "At this point, he's kinda the tie-breaker."

"Lead on then, love." Rhys gestured towards the open doorway and Shai once more took the lead, her shoulders set in determination.

+++++++

"Ugh." Shai handed a crumpled letter to Rhys who scanned it and passed it along to Sera.

"Gaspard it is," her friend breathed.

"What's it say?" Varric asked impatiently, craning his neck to try and read the letter over Sera's arm.

"Its instructions to move in when Gaspard gives the signal." Shai drew her fingertips to her temples and massaged her skull vigorously. 

"Move in on who?" Bull asked as he too scanned the letter. 

"The friggin' Empress, who else?" Sera scoffed.

"Who's leaving these things lying around?" Varric genuinely asked. "I mean, wouldn't you think to keep any and all nefarious plans to yourself?"

"We _are_ in the Royal Wing," Shai said. "One of Gaspard's mercenaries could've dropped it."

"He wasted his money on them then," Varric stated.

"I'm sure he'll be feeling the same way by the end of tonight," Rhys put in.

"We still need his captain to verify anything," Shai reminded. She plucked the letter out of Bull's hand and tucked it into the top of her dress for safekeeping. 

"On we go," Rhys sang with false cheeriness as they continued around the perimeter of an atrium's upper level having found the letter crumpled in a corner of it. Shai's feet, still bare from leaving her shoes by the dead emissary's body, skated over the cold marble. Double doors stood open up ahead and she turned through their archway into the room beyond, her toes encountering soft carpet while her body almost ran full on into a piece of scaffolding.

Blinking, Shai stepped around the wood construction to see that other similar structures occupied a good majority of the dimly lit room. Bundles of thin planks dotted the space joined by more covered furniture and the occasional blazing, brazier. An additional set of double doors was across from Shai, a thin crack of moonlight streaming between their slightly parted halves.

"Just a guess, but I think our garden is through there."

"Lead on," Varric said. 

Shai prepared herself for meeting an unruly bunch of mercenaries, hoping they would allow her to speak first before attacking (if attacking at all), and yanked one half of the doors open. She stepped into a garden, correct on her hunch, and stopped dead as she was greeted with half a dozen archers, bows drawn.

"Oh," the Iron Bull said from behind her as the archers shifted to cover her companions as well.

"What the fuck?" Sera demanded.

"Ok...let's just back up real slow," Rhys intoned lowly.

"Right behind you, kid," Varric seconded. 

"Inquisitor! What a pleasure! I wasn't certain you'd attend."

"Florianne?" Shai gaped as her eyes flicked upward to see the Grand Duchess standing on a terrace above them. How could she have forgotten about the Duchess?! She'd completely absolved the woman of any connection to the plot against Celene, not having reason to believe she could be a player in the festivities as well.  _She threw us off her scent with that tip about the Duke..._

"You're such a challenge to read," Gaspard's sister lilted. "I had no idea if you'd taken my bait. I was wondering if we'd be waiting here forever to see your pretty, little, confused face."

"You're involved in all this?" 

"Ah yes, about that. You really shouldn't have trusted me Inquisitor. Did I not warn you that everyone in the Winter Palace is alone? And yet you thought me to be an ally of sorts didn't you? So sorry to disappoint. But I must thank you for walking so willingly into my trap. Your meddling was growing tiresome and I was half afraid I'd have to hunt you down myself."

"So what now?" Shai demanded, keeping her feet rooted steadfastly in place lest one of Florianne's archers be trigger happy. 

"Now? Now, Inquisitor, Celene dies. Corypheus did insist her death happen tonight, after all. And I, unlike so many others, will not fail in appeasing him."

"Another of What's-his-lumps supporters," Sera groused.  

"He's a little used to that emotion by now." Shai couldn't help goading. "In fact, its probably his best friend by now." 

Florianne cackled merrily, the laugh of the truly mad. "Oh you poor, deluded fool. You don't know half of what Samson and I have planned. You do remember General Samson? He had such fun squashing your little Haven like--how did he put it? Oh yes, like an anthill."

"And yet, I'm still here," Shai challenged. "He's rather shit at his job."

The Duchess smiled, a slow baring of teeth that looked more as if she were about to rip someone's throat out.

"Do not fret Inquisitor, I will succeed where he did not. Its a shame you won't be around to see our plan manifest. After I kill Celene--oh you look surprised. Well, so will all of Orlais when her blood spills tonight. No one in their darkest dreams imagines I would assassinate their beloved Empress myself. And when she falls everyone will be looking to the _great_ Inquisition, the order that was supposed to prevent such chaos, not allow it."

Shai couldn't help taking a step forward at the Duchesses's words and immediately she was knocked harshly to the ground, the backs of her legs smarting from whatever had struck them. 

"I admire your spirit Inquisitor. Now I see why you yet live despite Corypheus's deepest wishes. I must apologize that you'll be missing the rest of the ball tonight. They'll be talking of it for years. Bind them all. The Inquisitor is not to be harmed but if any of the rest try to escape, kill them. Remember, she is for Corypheus. Au revoir my Lady." 

The Duchess bowed mockingly to Shai before she swept off the terrace and through a set of doors. From her place on her hands and knees, Shai watched Florianne go, her eyes narrowed to almost slits. Harsh hands pulled her off the ground and snugged her arms behind her back. Rope was looped around her bare wrists and pulled tight, chafing her skin with its rugged fibers.

She and her companions were silent as they were lead from the garden into what appeared to be a storeroom. A solitary pillar occupied the small chamber's center and it was to this that they were tied one by one. Their bindings were triple checked for any give and then all but two of their captors left, the ones remaining standing just outside the room's threshold. 

"Ok," Varric breathed after a few seconds. "I know I've said this before but this time I really mean it. Well...shit." 

"Fuck is the _actual_ word you're looking for, mate," Rhys corrected.

"Piss, friggin' arse bucket, shite."

"Yeah, what she said." Bull referenced Sera's outburst. Shai's head thumped against the pillar at their backs and she exhaled defeatedly.

"I'm sorry guys."

"Sorry? What for?" Varric asked in actual surprise.

"The fact that we're all gonna probably have our heads chopped off, that's 'what for'," Sera explained nervously, her voice pinging up a couple octaves.

"I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet," Shai murmured although she was failing to see how they managed to get themselves out of this one. The three of them who were carrying weapons had had them confiscated and thrown haphazardly away into the depths of the garden. Rhys and Shai were the only ones of any use currently, and their hands were bound too tightly to make magic work much beyond burning themselves silly with any attempted spells in such close confines.

"The Empress..."

"Is on her own," Shai said quietly as the true magnitude of their failure settled over her like the world's most constricting blanket. Celene's life for their mishap...it didn't seem fair. _Nothing ever is_ , she thought ruefully. And yet, she'd had the conversation with her advisors earlier that the Empresses's life was not something that had to be preserved by the end of the night. _Corypheus could achieve chaos even with Celene still alive_ , Leliana had predicted solemnly. 

"The Inquisition's got soldiers in the ballroom though, don't they?" Rhys offered, trying to be helpful.

"Yeah but they're watching for some masked assassins, not the damn Duchess," Iron Bull rumbled.

"They could still do something," Rhys argued but his words were flat like he knew the undisputed truth of the matter.

"Coryph-tits can't win," Sera said. "He can't. That's chaos and demons and...and...and more demons."

No one answered her and they sat in silence, staring at the plain insides of the storage room or out the doorway into the garden, their captors just barely visible as they leaned against the outside walls. _Help_ , Shai thought numbly. _Help, we need help_.

"Help? I can help...I'm good at helping. Hopeless, its over, I should've known, the Empress doesn't deserve this, Thedas doesn't deserve this...Corypheus can't win, he can't, he can't fuc--oh, that's a bad word."

"Cole!"

Shai jerked in her bindings, twisting to and fro until she caught a glimpse of the pale boy perched on a stack of crates in the corner. His head looked utterly strange without his regular, floppy hat and he looked almost swallowed by his formal jacket.

"Cole? Cole can you hear me?"

"Yes, I can hear you. I just heard you from upstairs and now I'm hear. You want help."

"Yes, yes we need help!" Shai answered affirmatively and then lowered her voice, conscious of the guards standing just beyond. "Can you help us, Cole? Can you cut us loose?"

"I can," Cole answered but made no move to do so. "But how will you get past them? They're thinking of hurting you. They're thinking of why they have to wait to hand you over to the Elder One and can't just do it now...I don't like them."

"That's something we have in common, Kid," Varric said.

"I really don't like them," Cole continued, his voice low, and then he was departed, simply vanished from his perch. Shai stifled her groan that their one chance of escape was gone as fast as it had come but a strangled yell commanded her attention. One of the guards was flat across the ground, a crimson puddle, black in the moonlight, spreading out from his body. His companion joined him shortly thereafter and Cole materialized in a cloud of smoke just beyond, daggers in both hands.

+++++++

"Take a right up ahead!"

Shai's feet pounded against the marble flooring as she and her team raced towards the ballroom. Their breaths came in harsh pants, results of having traversed half the Winter Palace at a dead run. Once Cole had cut them loose they'd sprung into action, scooping up their weapons and bee-lining it back to the ballroom. They'd had no time to stop for the man in a military jacket tied to a pole further back in the garden, his shouts of protest echoing as they'd left him behind. Shai had realized it was Gaspard's military captain and made a mental note to send people back for him after they'd dealt with the Duchess; whatever proof he might've had was hardly needed at the moment.   

She skidded around a corner, barely keeping herself from sliding into an expensive looking urn upon an elaborate pedestal. She kept her feet though and charged forward, an illuminated archway some twenty feet ahead. When she and her team breached it, they found themselves in a brightly lit foyer that had been occupied earlier in the night but was now empty. 

"Where is everyone?" Rhys panted as he looked around.

"Ballroom," Shai ascertained hoarsely, her pulse loud in her ears. "Ballroom. We have to hurry."

They took off again, the interior design of the palace becoming more familiar as they returned to the original domains in which they'd moved about. Shai's heart was in her throat and her side was throbbing with a stitch but she didn't stop running. She kept envisioning bursting into the ballroom only to find Celene's lifeless body with Florianne long gone.

"There!"

The ballroom doors were just up ahead but Shai skidded to an abrupt halt as she saw who was guarding them.

"More Venatori," the Iron Bull growled. "I've got this."

Not waiting for anyone else the Qunari surged forward to meet the dreaded cultists. It was over in seconds with Corypheus's servants laying in crumpled heaps on the floor. Shai stepped over them and gave the ballroom doors a shove. One half swung inward and she slipped through it.

All backs were to her inside the room and she soon saw why. Celene stood with her arms spread wide, addressing the masses from her vantage point at the opposite end of the ballroom. Shai sized up the distance between her and the Empress, knowing with a quiet certainty there was no way she could cover it in time. _Corypheus could still achieve chaos even with Celene alive_. _He could still overrun Thedas even if she were to survive_.  

"Tonight the war dividing us must end!" Celene's voice boomed as she looked out over her guests.

"What are we doing?!" Rhys asked urgently. "We have to stop Florianne!"

"There's no time," Shai heard herself say, her voice coming to her ears as if from the other end of a tunnel. _Corypheus could still achieve chaos with Celene alive_. 

"No time? What do you mean there's no time?!"

"We won't get to her before Florianne does," Shai explained quietly and she watched her friend's face transform with realization. _He could still overrun Thedas even if she were to survive_. Her blood buzzed with adrenaline; _have you gone mad?! Are you consoling yourself with a prediction that may not even come true?!_

"My friends, we are here to witness a historic moment!" The Duchesses's voice suddenly rang out as she took over Celene's oratorical position. "A great change is coming for all of us."

Florianne paused for effect, her head barely turning as she surveyed the crowd. "Isn't that right, Gaspard?"

Shai heard confused whispers permeate the ballroom and she took that as her signal to move. She started cutting a swatch through people, heedless of the toes she stepped on and the feathers she ruffled with her shoving.

"Inquisitor!"

Leliana was abruptly at her side, grasping her arm. "What happened?! What's going on?"

Shai shook her head, mouth opening to respond as she craned her neck over the many heads before her to see Florianne circle behind Celene. Shai's feet started her moving and she was past the Spymaster in another second, gathering her skirts in one hand to hold them out of her way. A pained cry sliced through the air and Shai shoved her way to a railing, the horrified screams coming from the congregation enough to tell her the deed had been done.

Celene was bent in half with fingers laced together over her stomach, crimson liquid gushing over her hands. The Empress cried out again as Florianne appeared to drive the knife in deeper.

"No!" The booming call came from Gaspard standing below his cousin and sister, his hands out before him as if he could stop what had already happened. "Florianne? What have you done?!"

"Don't play coy with me brother! It went just as we planned. I did this for you!" Florianne stated, her fingers coming to grip the balustrade as she looked down upon Gaspard, the hand that had stabbed Celene dyed red with the Empresses's blood.  

"Have you gone mad?!" The Grand Duke challenged, stumbling backwards as if he expected his sister to pounce upon him.

The clash of steel interrupted Florianne's reply and Shai turned wide eyes down to the dance floor where Inquisition soldiers were confronting assassins who'd seemed to materialize from thin air. A woman's shriek made Shai whirl around to see more killers advancing on the crowd even as palace guards ran to stop them.

"The Duchess!" Rhys appeared and grabbed Shai's arm, pulling her along roughly, his expression urgent. "The Duchess, damnit Shai! We're gonna lose her!"

Shai shook her head, snapping back to herself, and started to hurry towards Florianne. She rounded the corner of the bannister to be confronted with Celene's crumpled body, the bodice of the Empresses's royal blue dress turned a muddied brown. The Duchess stood over her dead cousin, triumphant and murderous.

"Florianne!" Shai yelled, watching the other woman's head whip up and around.

"Inquisitor, so you survive. What a terrible guest you are."

Two Inquisition soldiers came running towards the Duchess and in the blink of an eye, she produced a second dagger and slit their throats smoothly, blood spraying against her front.

"For Corypheus!" She trumpeted. "Kill them!"

And then she was racing away, tearing at the material of her dress until it fell from her body and left in its wake a black, fitted ensemble. _She was more than ready for this!_  Shai thought horrifiedly as she gave chase. The Duchess darted outside through an open doorway and vaulted over the balcony railing, disappearing from sight. Shai followed close behind, not even stopping to estimate the distance before she too was leaping off the balcony. She landed rather painfully, her ankle buckling and sending her sprawling in a patch of dirt.

Three pairs of booted feet struck the ground around her and hands lifted her up.

"On your feet!" Rhys ordered as he steadied her. Sera and the Iron Bull were already running ahead after the Duchess, Varric on their tails.

"Can you walk?"

"I'm fine." Shai pushed off her friend, pained tears pricking her eyes as she hobbled along. A cooling sensation washed over her limb and she felt the ache fade away. She looked to Rhys who was keeping pace with her whilst murmuring a spell under his breath, his left hand extended towards her ankle. As he finished his words, her range of movement increased and soon she was sprinting again, gathering her skirts out of the way of her feet.

"Thanks!"

"Don't mention it!"

They came to a split staircase, the front gates of the Winter Palace not even a hundred yards from them. Below, the Iron Bull, Sera, and Varric were spinning in confused circles within the front gardens.

"She's frigging gone!" Sera shouted, nocking an arrow nevertheless.

"Come on!" Bull yelled, his hands holding tight to the hilt of his great sword.

"Steady!" Varric cautioned as he searched their surroundings. Rhys and Shai joined the other three, their hands ready to cast.

"Where'd she go?!" Shai demanded, not in the least bit ready to admit they'd been duped.

"I should thank you Inquisitor. You played your part marvelously. Both Celene and Gaspard destroyed in a single blow."

All five of them whipped towards the voice of Florianne to see the Duchess appearing out of the shadows between two hedges. She'd forsaken her daggers for a lethal looking bow, its first arrow aimed directly at Shai.

"Where the shite did she get that?" Sera cursed. The Duchess hummed in amusement, her lips curving into a leer.

"The Council of Heralds will devour each other in all this excitement. And while they do? Corypheus will come. His army will march on Orlais straight from the depths of a nightmare, and all Thedas will fall."

"Good to know you're going with originality," Rhys laughed coldly. "Can't say we've heard that one before."

Florianne's face hardened and her teeth bared themselves as her eyes locked onto Shai. "Your death will be the crowning jewel of my victory tonight. I'm so thankful you came to my soiree."

"Um boss?"

"What?" Shai looked over her shoulder to Bull and followed his gaze to a half-circle of Venatori closing in on them. 

"Oh."

"Inquisitor? Do give my regards to Celene. À bientôt."

And the battle commenced. The Venatori charged, uttering battle cries as they surged over the ground. Bull's own loud bellow mixed with theirs as he rushed to be the first line of defense. Barrier spells flew from Rhys and Shai's fingertips to encase the Qunari while Sera and Varric flocked to the outskirts to begin picking off their adversaries one by one.

"There's too many of them!" Rhys yelled over the sound of steel meeting steel.

"We can't retreat!" Shai cried as she brought two Venatori down with chain lightning. "They'll cut us down as we run!" 

"Fuck, there's more!"

She didn't want to believe her eyes as a cluster of reinforcements came towards the fray, made up entirely of assassins. The first surge they might have been able to eventually divide and conquer. But now, it was two enemies for every person and the advantage was not on their side. A mad laugh rose above the din and Shai whirled to where Florianne was perched on top of the garden fountain, watching the goings on with childish glee.

"What do we do?!" Sera's voice called as she fired arrow after arrow, deftly taking down any attackers before they closed in on her. But she would be overwhelmed soon by sheer numbers and Shai tried to think fast, tried to come up with a solution that could get them out alive.

Something flashed by Shai causing her to fall back a step. A shimmering blade arced through the air and buried itself in the neck of an assassin, the adversary crumpling beneath the blow.

"Vivienne?!"

The First Enchanter pivoted on her heel as she struck another blow, her spirit blade flashing.

"Inquisitor!" Cassandra stood beside Shai in another instant, sans shield but with a longsword held before her in both hands.

Blackwall was next to the Seeker, his face grim as he sprinted forward and parried the thrust of a Venatori, driving his knee into the cultist's stomach and then finishing them off when they doubled over. Cassandra lunged into the midst of the battle, her shoulders set as she cut a path for herself.

"The calvary's here!" Rhys crowed, casting with renewed energy. One by one the few remaining companions of the Inquisition joined the fight, lending their strength to what had been a losing skirmish. Shai cast a fire rune on the ground beneath a group of Venatori while Solas brought a glowing, green ball into existence above them and pulled them together, their bodies launching into the air when the rune detonated.

Rapidly the tide was turned and the enemy was reduced, beaten back until only a few remained. Shai caught a fleeing assassin with a lightning bolt, paralyzing the unlucky person while Blackwall drove his longsword through their chest. Cole sprang forth from the shadows to cut down the second to last Venatori while Sera sent a well timed arrow through the neck of the final cultist. The soldier staggered drunkenly from side to side before its knees met the earth and it flopped forward face down.

"That appears to be the last of them," Vivienne ascertained as her proud gaze coursed over the garden.

"Ah but you're forgetting me."

Everyone turned as one to see Florianne standing unharmed, arrow nocked and at the ready. She drew the projectile back and let it fly, its uninterrupted path leading it straight to Shai.

"No!" Rhys jumped in front of her, his body jerking as the arrow connected with him.

"Rhys!" Her friend's name tore from her lips and she leapt to catch him as he staggered backwards.

"I'm fine! I'm fine!" He declared breathlessly, grasping the arrow and pulling it from where it had lodged itself at the top of his left pectoral, almost at the juncture of shoulder. "I got a barrier up in time, it barely nicked me."

"Oh fuck," Shai breathed in massive relief.

"Florianne." Rhys pointed towards the Duchess whose mouth was twisted in a snarl at her foiled plan. Already Cassandra and Blackwall were advancing on her, swords at the ready.

"Mort à vous tous," Florianne spit before turning on her heel and attempting to make an escape. She was greeted almost immediately by Inquisition soldiers barring her intended route. The Duchess skidded to a halt and whirled around, coming face to face with Seeker and Grey Warden. Stepping forward, Shai raised her hand and snapped a static cage into existence around the Inquisition's newest prisoner, preventing her using stealth and giving them the slip.

"Its over Florianne," Shai said resolutely. The Grand Duchess screamed in anger, her voice ragged with emotion but falling on deaf ears. Chains were procured and clapped onto her wrists, her supple body bending and twisting but being held firm in the end. She was led away in irons, half stumbling half walking, alternating between sobs for mercy and vehement cursing.

Sera blew the departing Duchess a raspberry. "Sleep well in prison, yeah?"

"All the backstabbing and lies and murder of tonight have made me quite homesick," Dorian said lightly. "Of course, if there had been some sacrificial slaves and some blood magic, I would've been right at home."

Shai actually found a genuine laugh coming from her mouth albeit shaky and tentative, but it was there. "I'm glad you guys showed up when you did. Otherwise we would've been in pieces everywhere right about now. Right Rhys?...Rhys?"

Shai looked to her friend and the blood drained from her face as she caught sight of him. Rhys swayed on his feet, crimson spreading across and down the front of his white jacket like some horrid painting.

"RHYS!" She rushed to him, wrapping her arms around his middle as she supported him. "No, no, no, no! Oh fuck, no!"

She sunk to the ground with him, trying her best to set them both down gently but crashing to the earth as her legs gave out beneath their combined weight. She leaned away from Rhys to see his face, trying to ignore how pale his skin had turned or how cold he suddenly felt.

"Help! Help he's hurt! Rhys? Rhys don't do this!" 

Immediately they were surrounded and Shai tried to still her suddenly chattering teeth, her whole body starting to shake with fear. Her friend's eyes had fluttered close as his chest rose and fell in slow rhythm, his breath catching and coming in sporadic hitches.

"I need something for under his head," Blackwall said calmly as he knelt down beside Shai and eased Rhys from her arms to lay him upon the ground. "Quickly now! Something for under the lad's head."

Someone's jacket was thrust into the Warden's hand and he folded it up before snugging it beneath Rhys's head.

"Here, put pressure on the wound. You have to stop the bleeding."

Shai nodded and followed Blackwall's instructions, barely registering the fact that tears had started to course down her cheeks. Her hearing was receding until she felt she was a long ways away, every sound coming from so far off. Her hands were cold and her ears were resonating with a dull ringing as she pressed her palms against Rhys's shoulder, feeling the blood sodden fabric of his jacket beneath her touch.

"He said he was ok," she repeated in a voice that cracked. "He said he was ok, he said he got the barrier up in time, he said he was ok..."

"And he will be," Blackwall assured. "Vivienne, we could use your services."

"I'm here."

Madame de Fer sank gracefully to her knees on Shai's other side, pulling off her gloves and rolling up the sleeves of her jacket as far as they would go. 

"The lad's bleeding out. The Inquisitor's got pressure on the wound." 

Vivienne made a soft "ah" noise and gently wrapped her fingers around Shai's hands.

"Allow me, my dear."

Shai clung to the First Enchanter for a moment, bringing her eyes to meet Vivienne's gaze.

"Don't let him die," she mouthed, her voice little more than a whisper as her throat closed up. Vivienne nodded and placed her own hands over the wound on Rhys's chest. Shai sat frozen as their resident Knight-Enchanter set to work, her eyes closing in concentration as her hands began to glow. A sob choked its way from Shai's throat and she prayed like she'd never prayed before. _Maker don't take him, please don't take him, not him, not him, not him..._

The healing glow faded and Shai looked expectantly to Rhys's face, expecting his eyes to open at any second. But they remained closed and his breathing was no better than before. It seemed to be growing more labored and Shai grabbed Vivienne's arm as the Knight-Enchanter sat back on her heels.

"I'm sorry my dear...my magic...it's of no use now. The arrow went too deep...he's lost too much blood--"

"NO!" Shai thrust her hands onto Rhys's chest, summoning what little healing magic she had knowledge of. _You're not dying on me, YOU ARE NOT DYING ON ME!_ A pale glow conjured beneath her palms, warming her skin as it fed off her mana. All too quickly it subsided and Shai's eyes widened in horror.

"No damnit!" She pooled her magic and tried again, muttering incantations past clenched teeth. "Rhys? Rhys open your eyes! Come on, this isn't bloody funny! You said it barely nicked you!"

"Inquisitor--"

"No!" Shai snarled as she shook off Blackwall's hand. "I'm not letting him die!"

She tried again and again to summon enough of a healing spell to reverse damage her mind already knew was fixed.

"Come on...COME ON!"

Light surged from beneath her palms over and over, growing more feeble with each attempt until barely any showed. She was growing extremely light headed, her vision swimming with black dots, her head throbbing agonizingly at the temples. Her arms felt leaden and her shoulders sagged with an invisible weight. But still she formed the words to the only healing spell she knew, good for minor aches and scrapes but not much else.

A sharp and sudden pain between her eyes made her wince, but not stop, and even when she was subconsciously aware that her nose had started to bleed she didn't yield. _Come on Rhys, come on Rhys, don't leave me, Maker don't leave me, don't you bloody well leave me!_   The veins were standing out on the backs of her hands, their ropy contours pressing against her skin in stark relief. Her nails were beginning to darken around the edges as she put every last strength of her being into her spell. A steady torrent of tears coursed from her eyes, running over the planes of her face.   

"Don't do this...damnit don't do this..."

"Inquisitor." Blackwall's large hand landed on her forearm and he squeezed just hard enough to bring her attention to him. Shai looked at the Warden through misty eyes, his visage swimming out of focus until she blinked and he became clear.

"He's gone."

Shai looked down to her friend, down to the wide mouth that had made her laugh so many times, down at the closed eyes that would never open another time, their grey depths alive with mischievousness and mirth. But mostly she looked down at the friend who'd she'd found again against all odds, who she'd considered as close to her as a brother, who'd she'd never thought she'd be saying goodbye to anytime soon.

The dam broke and she sobbed in earnest, her body shaking with the force of her sorrow as her cries turned into desperate wails falling unbidden from her open mouth. Dimly she was aware of someone pulling her up to them, tucking her face into their chest. And when she sagged against them, too weak to walk, she was swung up into a pair of arms that held her close even though her front was drenched in blood. Then she and whomever was holding her were moving and she spared a look back at her friend, back at the person whose voice she would never hear again.

"I'm sorry," she croaked. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Shhh, hush amatus. Shhhh, there was nothing you could do." 

"Dorian?" Shai rasped looking up, her voice thick with tears. 

The Tevinter Mage gave her a wobbling smile, his own eyes glassy. "I'm here."

She clung to him as he carried her. 


	41. C'est Fini

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas ya filthy animals ;) thank you all for sticking with this story, I'm forever grateful <3

Cullen felt like he'd aged twelve years; he looked it too. The opulent, floor length mirror in the corner of his guest room reflected a strained face, replete with deeper lines than had been there before. He could have tried to imagine the worst ending for their time at the Winter Palace and he still would not have guessed what occurred. Rhys was dead. The Inquisition had lost a member and the Inquisitor had lost a dear friend.

He'd been in the front gardens when Dorian had swept Shai into his arms and carried her away from her friend's lifeless body. He and everyone else had seen her tear streaked face, had heard the cries tearing their way from her chest. It had evoked so much emotion in the onlookers that a good many were looking away, their eyes downcast at the privacy of the moment they were publicly witnessing.

What's more, the Empress of Orlais was no more, slain by her own cousin. Cullen still couldn't believe Florianne had been behind everything. He'd never felt so shell shocked as when he'd watched the Duchess plunge a dagger repeatedly into the Empresses's back, her mouth composed in a steady line as she did so. It was madness and the ballroom had erupted into chaos.

He'd joined his men in fending off the assassin's who'd descended on the crowd, leading the charge to the gardens after the ballroom had been cleared of Florianne's henchmen. He'd nearly had a heart attack seeing the Duchess attempt to assassinate Shai, his breath catching in his lungs, his blood freezing in his veins. Then Rhys had been there in the nick of time and the shadow of death had passed. That was until Shai's heartfelt cry of her friend's name drew all attention.

How Cullen had wanted to go to her, be the one to encircle her in his arms and give her comfort. He'd even started forward, his feet taking three steps before his brain caught up to them. But Dorian had beaten him to it and he'd only been able to watch as Shai was carried from their midst, her face pressed hard into Dorian's neck, the Tevinter Mage blinking away tears of his own.

It had been deathly silent after that, Rhys's body carried from the gardens by a quartet of soldiers to be prepared for the journey back to Skyhold. The Grand Duke, accurately looking like the world had suddenly turned upside down, made an impassioned speech dampened by the travesty of what had just occurred. And then the night was thankfully over, guests rumbling speedily away in their carriages as if attempting to outrun the vivid memories of the Empresses's death.

And the advisors of the Inquisition had been left to deal with the Council of Heralds, listening to the emissaries shout over one another about what in the blazes had just occurred. By the time Cullen had been allowed to retire for the night, the first hints of dawn were already apparent in the lightening sky. He'd thought about sleeping, had dressed for bed and turned down the covers. But now he felt suddenly claustrophobic, enclosed in too tight a space.

The well of emotion sent him speeding towards his balcony, wrapping his hands around the railing and dropping his head to rest against its cool stone. Cullen closed his eyes and worked to empty his mind. He didn't want to think about Celene or Rhys in the irreversible grip of death, he didn't want to keep hearing Shai's pleas that the Maker intercede and return one soul to the land of the living. He especially didn't want to ponder about the mountain of responsibility the Inquisition had incurred for itself this night.

Something caused him to whip around, a slight noise, the faint rasp of feet across his floor. Shai was standing just inside the balcony doors, her hair down around her face, looking ghostly in the white tunic she wore. Cullen's eyes widened at her presence and he blinked, wondering if the stress of the night had caused him to become delusional. But Shai's form didn't waver; it remained solid and concrete.

They stared at each other for a long moment, Cullen's eyes working to stay on her face but tracing over the body he was so very glad had evaded Florianne's fateful arrow. It was selfish, he knew, to be happy she had survived. He should be sad her friend had taken the fall for her and he was. He didn't like death, he didn't like being surrounded by it, he hated watching it even more. And he despised watching someone he cared about suffer so wholeheartedly. 

Shai stepped towards him, coming onto the balcony. He saw the glint of his coin she had around her neck, the tarnished silver standing out against her brown skin, and couldn't help the flip his stomach did at the sight. He'd given it to her so terribly, a gift that should've been expressed coherently for its importance. In a perfect world he would've come to her at the optimal time, fluently expressed how the coin had been his lucky one all these years and how he wanted her to have it because her life meant that much to him. He would've been able to kiss her then, wrap his arms around her and know he was privileged to be feeling the way he was for her. 

But the distance he'd sowed between them had rendered the situation far too awkward to approach in such a way, and so he'd been gruff and stumbling in his words. He'd all but forced the coin upon her, barely articulating his wish that she be safe before he was fleeing down the hallway like the coward he was. _A wonder that she even chose to wear it after all that_ , he thought. And an even bigger one that she'd kept it after stumbling upon him in the garden with that Orlesian trash.

Cullen screwed his eyes shut in memory and ducked his head. The look on Shai's face. He might as well have just slapped her himself, that's how pained she looked. Of course she'd tried to cover it but he knew he'd fucked up egregiously. _What she must be thinking now...especially when I've been so cold and removed with her..._ He owed her so many apologies he couldn't even comprehend where to begin. He opened his eyes and mouth to at least try to create a jumping off point, but the silent tears rolling down Shai's cheeks stopped his words in his throat.

"Rhys is dead," she said shakily, drawing a heaving breath. "He's gone...he died for me...and I couldn't do a damn thing to save him."

She was clenching her hands, her body shaking with emotion as her eyes bored into Cullen's, her chin trembling like a small child's. She looked so forlorn, her anger, her hurt, her misery all painfully apparent in her expression. The way her eyebrows were drawn in, the way she was pressing her lips together to keep any noise from escaping, it made Cullen's heart squeeze.

"He's dead," she whispered, like she was trying to convince herself still, and then her hands were covering her face and her shoulders were quaking violently. Cullen closed the distance to them almost instantly, reaching and pulling her to him, feeling her mold to the front of his body. He would have sighed with the pleasure of having her so close again, except now wasn't the time. Now was the moment to press his lips to the top of her head, to keep one arm steadily wrapped around her shoulders while the hand of the other nestled itself in her curls to stroke soothingly. And so Cullen did, drawing upon what sparse knowledge he had of providing comfort and improvising where his repertoire failed him. 

Shai's fingers twisted themselves in the front of his shirt, gathering the fabric into two, tight knots. She wasn't crying audibly, rather little whimpers were escaping her from time to time and Cullen wanted to whisper to her that it was alright, that she could let go and he would _never_ judge her for it. But their estrangement, their lack of recent communication, the fear of jeopardizing their current moment and sending her retreating to seek solace elsewhere kept his mouth shut aside from the occasional, soft "hush" or other murmurs of comfort.

He was expecting her to pull away after a few minutes, but Shai remained in place. Indeed her grasp on him grew tighter and it sent a surge of warmth through him to know she felt safe and supported where she was. On impulse Cullen stooped and tucked one arm behind her legs, sweeping her up into his embrace. Shai's face moved from his chest to the crook of his neck, her wet cheeks pressing against his skin, her breath tickling him as she inhaled unsteadily. 

He took them to his bed, sitting down and settling Shai in his lap. She curled into him, her long, shapely legs bent up towards her chest. Cullen ran his palms up and down her back, pressing his cheek against her forehead. He could only imagine the suffocating grief that was leeching the strength from her body; he was more than acquainted with that kind of crippling sentiment.

After a time he realized she was no longer crying, she was just letting him hold her. Indeed her fingers had started to explore the planes of his chest, running in feather light touches that made Cullen shiver. He resisted the urge to groan at the feeling, having been devoid of her hands on any part of him. Neither of them spoke, it seemed the closeness of the moment would be ruined if they did. Finally Shai's mouth opened where it still resided against Cullen's neck.

"Can I stay with you?" She asked lowly, almost too lowly for him to hear although it felt like every word she spoke became branded against his skin. He stiffened as a flood of darkness overtook his mind: his hands around Shai's neck, his body pressing hers into the bed as his fingers pressed the life from her eyes. He couldn't risk her life, he could never live with himself if he hurt her. She had no idea the monster she was inviting out of its cage by asking to stay in his bed. She was putting her safety in hands that could destroy it.

"I...I think it would be better if..." Cullen shut his eyes tightly. He hated his weakness in that moment, he hated the fact he had to reject her because everything in him was screaming that he say yes, that he allow her to sleep in the cradle of his arms. He'd never actually slept with her before and he wanted it in earnest. But he couldn't risk it. Not now, not until he knew, without a doubt, that he'd banished the demons from his mind.

"I think it would be best if we slept separately...in our own rooms. I--" His explanation was interrupted as Shai abruptly cast herself away from him, the sudden loss of her body's warmth striking Cullen like a punch. He half reached for her, intending to apologize or take back his stance he wasn't sure. But Shai evaded his grasp nimbly, her feet carrying her to the doors of his room where she disappeared as suddenly as she'd come.

Cullen stared after her, his stomach clenched in a tight fist, his shoulders sagging. He bent forward and planted his elbows on his thighs, cradling his head in his hands as he gripped his hair in frustration and woe. His throat burned with self loathing.      


	42. Je Ne Suis Pas Moi-Même

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea another apology for missing the last update. I drank entirely too much on New Years and was very out of commission the next day. An update would've probably been an incoherent mess. But fear not, here is a concise continuation to this fic.

Their first day returned from Halamshiral, she stood in the middle of Skyhold's lower courtyard and felt absolutely nothing. She stared at the familiar walls, at the familiar faces, and barely registered any of it. Her advisors were worried; they'd been throwing each other concerned glances all the way back from Halamshiral. Now they stood whispering conspiratorially just far enough away from her to be unheard. But it wasn't like she'd try and listen anyways. All sounds came to her as if she were laying underwater. 

Her companions slid glances her way that ranged from confusion to concern to sympathy and everything in between. They were wondering how to approach her, or rather who of them should approach her and maybe speak for the rest. She knew this because she could feel their indecision radiating off them. 

The ride back from Orlais had been silent, deathly silent. Very few words were spoken other than to answer necessary questions such as when was a good time to stop and water the horses or when should they plan to leave the highway and find an inn for the night. Everyone had averted their eyes from her as if she had the plague or some hideous deformity and couldn't be looked upon. That had been alright with her though. No eye contact meant no being pulled into conversation.

Silence had been blessed, silence had been golden. It had allowed her to retreat inside herself, to pull away from her body and into her mind where she could draw the drapes behind her eyes and shut the world out. It hadn't worked, of course. She knew it wouldn't. But she'd only been looking for a bit of reprieve, for a way to not feel the suffocating grief that lay across her chest.

She fancied she probably reeked of death. She certainly had when she'd been deposited in her guest room that fateful night. It had been a full two hours before cautious servants had dared to enter her quarters and meekly suggest they help wash the blood from her person. She'd submitted to their nervous hands with no complaint and stared blankly at the wall the entire time they'd cleaned her.

When at last they'd bowed and left, almost tripping over themselves to get away from her heavy silence, she'd sat on her bed in a clean tunic, hands laying loosely in her lap. Her feet had carried her across the vestibule to Cullen's room when she'd come to the conclusion she would get no sleep that night. Him holding her had eased the pain, it had drawn some of it out of her even as she wept the other bit away. But then he'd rejected her when she'd needed him the most, had sent her away in the stammering manner at which he was so good, hurting her far more than any physical weapon ever could.

That had opened the floodgates once more and she'd curled into a ball on her bed, soaking the pillow beneath her cheek until dawn had fully cracked across Orlais and her eyes stung from lack of sleep. They'd left the palace shortly thereafter, their tailored carriages rumbling round to collect the Inquisition. Gaspard had given his pity to her but she couldn't be bothered with the Grand Duke. If Orlais had suddenly caught fire and burned to the ground...well she would have enjoyed the blaze.

+++++++

On the third day they laid Rhys to rest in a simple ceremony, his body wrapped in a white shroud upon a funeral pyre. The whole of the Inquisition stood in a clearing not far from Skyhold, the mountain air whipping across mournful faces. She stood alone, separated from the rest, watching flames embrace her friend's body as he went to his final rest. A hymn was sung, a prayer was said, and the gathered masses dispersed back to the fortress in solemn quiet, but she remained.

She cut a striking figure, completely garbed in black, statuesque in her stillness. Long after the pyre had reduced itself to contained embers, she remained. She didn't feel the cold, she didn't think she'd even felt the warmth emanating from the pyre. It was like she was made of stone, both inside and out. She hadn't cried, her eyes were as dry as a desert. In some distant part of her brain she'd briefly wondered whether her lack of tears had appeared odd to onlookers.

When at last her feet had felt as frozen as the icicles hanging from the nearby tree branches, she'd turned back towards Skyhold. She trudged through the snow, her arms wrapped tightly around her middle. As the mountain wind rose in intensity and assaulted her eyes, she couldn't be sure through her squinting and rapid blinking whether she was seeing someone standing a ways ahead of her, watching her progress. In any case, they were gone by the time she would've reached them and she was too removed to bother looking for footprints.

She felt empty and lost, a hollowed out shell. Most of all she felt alone, completely separated from the land of the living, hovering somewhere in between the earth and the Void. Her chest ached but she let it hurt; she didn't have any way of controlling the pain, she didn't have any energy to do so.

She crossed Skyhold's drawbridge stiffly, staring blankly ahead as she passed various guards. The people in the lower courtyard watched as she entered their midsts but she ignored their glances, climbing ever closer to Skyhold's entry. As much as she wanted to disappear into her room, there was a funeral feast that required her attendance although she knew she'd be unable to eat anything.

The Great Hall had been filled with additional tables adorned with black runners and candelabras. People were situating themselves at place settings, the lowest murmurs being the only form of conversation to fill the room. She walked stiffly down the middle of the Great Hall, her eyes fixed on the shorter table that had been set on the dais before the throne. Sitting on both sides of the massive chair were her advisors and she was equal parts happy and regretful that Cullen was separated from her spot by Josephine.

She took her place woodenly, her mouth sealed in a thin line, her eyes angled downwards. She guessed her appearance had been the cue for the kitchen staff to begin to serve for she became aware of the scent of roasted meat and fresh baked bread. Servants came by to fill goblets with wine and place platters of food upon the tables but she barely noticed. She was aware that her trencher remained empty while others filled theirs yet she made no move to remedy the situation. 

No one spoke to her although she knew with a kind of sixth sense that many concerned glances were being sent her way. She didn't care. She was counting the moments until she could retreat to her room where she would stare with the same heavy silence at her wall as she waited for the sun to set. It seemed that was a lot of what she did lately; wake up, exist, then crawl back into bed and lay listlessly until the next day began. 

The Great Hall was deathly quiet; no one spoke, no bard played softly on their mandolin, nothing. It was a heavy, cloying silence that hung heavily over everyone like a massive blanket. In any other time, she wouldn't have been able to stand it. She hated lapses in conversation, despised the awkwardness when mouths failed to form words. But she relished it now; maybe everyone would eat quickly and vacate the room and therefore release her to return to her own quarters.

What sounded like a fist suddenly slammed against a table and she jumped before her gaze was drawn upwards. Everyone was looking in perplexity to Blackwall, Bull and Sera leaning slightly away from the Warden as they occupied either side of the man.

"None of this should have happened," Blackwall stated harshly, his eyes boring twin holes into the table. "None of this..."

His chair grated loudly against the stone floor as he stood abruptly. She felt all her advisors stiffen and she heard Cullen's own chair creak as he rose from his seat slightly. Blackwall looked around the room before his eyes traveled to the dais and landed on her; they were full of fire, blazing out from beneath his brows.

"The Empress should not have died," he said, his voice heavy with anger. "She shouldn't have been killed. Her death didn't have to happen and it did. We were supposed to save her, the Inquisition was supposed to do its part and it didn't! I saw you when you came back into the ballroom...you waited..."

She jerked. _Did I wait...did I?_  The Warden's tone was angrier than she'd ever heard it. She was waiting for someone to talk him down but it didn't seem as if anyone was willing to take that risk. Even her advisors were making no move to silence his outburst.  _Could I have acted faster?_ She couldn't remember clearly. She knew she'd come into the ballroom at break neck speed, she remembered pushing through people to get to the Empress but...that hadn't happened right away had it?

No, it hadn't. She remembered now, she remembered...She _had_ hesitated. Blackwall was right, she had hesitated and waited for Florianne to strike. But wait, no, she'd been moving by that point. She'd been pushing her way through people when Celene had been stabbed the first time.

Her vision was black and it took her a second to realize she'd screwed her eyes shut in consternation trying to organize her thoughts. When she opened them she found that all attention in the Great Hall was upon her as she sat rooted to the spot, the suddenly guilty party. She opened her mouth to say something in defense, to perhaps negate Blackwall's claims that if she had acted a moment sooner, if she hadn't thought the distance between her and Florianne was too much to do something in so short a time, Celene would still be alive.

But no sound was forthcoming and she sat there mouth agape until she closed it with a soft click of teeth. He was right, or at the very least he had a point. Yet at the same time she didn't know whether a moment of time would have changed anything. Whether it would have kept the Empress alive...whether it would have kept Rhys alive...

"Maybe we wouldn't be here today," Blackwall said seeming to read her minds, his arms sweeping to encompass the funeral feast. "Maybe we wouldn't have just laid one of us to rest!"

He gestured towards the Great Hall doors, his finger holding steady as he pointed. She stood then too, her chair seeming to grate the loudest of the two that had been shoved fully backwards. Her footsteps were measured as she descended the dais. She looked straight ahead, feeling so many anxious pairs of eyes following her progress. Her pace increased the nearer she drew towards the Great Hall's doors.

She couldn't stand being inside for a second longer. Moreover, she couldn't stand to be in that room any longer, not with Blackwall's accusations hanging in the air. She needed some breathing room, she needed to get away. Her vision blurred a bit around the edges, narrowing into tunnel vision so that the hall's doors were the only thing she was focused on. No one came to stop her although she could hear murmuring at her abrupt exit. She would probably have fought anyone who tried to restrain her.

Something in her head was urging her onward, urging her to put as much distance between she and Skyhold as possible. She was mildly surprised at how magnanimous a reaction she was having all of a sudden. She was a leader, she could certainly listen to the opinions of others on what she had and hadn't done correctly. But what she couldn't listen to was the reminder of her loss. And what she absolutely couldn't stand to hear was that she'd been responsible for it in more ways than one by hesitating to prevent Florianne's hand from striking.        

She yanked one half of the Great Hall doors open just enough to squeeze through to the outside. She felt like she floated through the opening as a ghost would, her body passing through easily through the passage. She became suddenly aware of the weak sun streaming down upon her from its perch in the sky. She became aware of the ever present smells of campfires, of sick wafting over from the healer's quarter, of muted voices as people who hadn't just suffered an irreversible loss continued on with their day. She became painfully, irrevocably aware that she had just watched her closest friend in the world be delivered to the Maker in a parade of fire. 

Yet as aware as she was of it all, she was seeing it at the same time from a great distance. And she discovered that suddenly, she couldn't care anymore. She couldn't care because her heart would be ripped out if she tried. She couldn't care because it would cloud her judgement when something important needed to be decided upon. She couldn't care because it would get someone else killed and then someone else killed after them and then it would just be her standing amidst a pile of bloody, broken bodies. Her, the Inquisitor, the Herald of Andraste, the false prophet, the Marcher, the Mage from Ostwick, the heir apparent to the Trevelyan estate. She would be the downfall and ruin of everyone she cared about...

She strode forward taking the main stairs down to the upper courtyard two at a time until she reached the level ground. She didn't stop there and continued rapidly down to the lower part, earning stares as her pace picked up. Her boots slapped against the earth as she broke into a jog then a sprint and then a full out run. Her arms lifted by her sides and pumped back and forth as she bore towards the raised portcullis. No one stopped her as she passed under it, no one stepped into her path to halt her flight as she continued onto the bridge beyond. Soldiers called to her but made no move to action and this she took as a small blessing.

 _ Faster, faster, faster. Must get further...further...further _ . Her boots struck the stone of the bridge forcefully as she blazed over it. Her eyes started to water from the sharpness of the air that accosted them, the first tears to be shed by her that day falling to freeze immediately on her cheeks. Her lungs compressed and then filled, then compressed again as she inhaled, taking short, sips of air. 

The second portcullis was approaching and, with the ease she had bypassed the first one with, she flew past it as well. Again soldiers called, one even might have tried to grasp her arm. But whatever efforts made were made in vain; she was not listening. Soon there was snow beneath her feet instead of hard stone and still she did not stop. She kept going until she was crashing through the nearby tree line; sparse as it was, branches still whipped across her face, leaving shallow cuts on her skin. She brought her arms up to ward off the worst of the blows, letting the sleeves of her tunic bear the brunt of the snapping wood.

Finally when her chest burned with exertion and her sides throbbed with cramps, she collapsed. Instantly the snow seeped through her leggings, penetrating the cloth and kissing her skin with its icy mouth. Her hands buried themselves in the clouds of white that blanketed the ground, her fingers going numb almost on contact. A shiver wracked her body with its caress and she leaned forward, head dangling down between her shoulders as she opened her mouth to draw a great lungful of air. Her lungs ballooned as they were filled then emptied as she exhaled; fill and empty, fill and empty, fill and empty.

A scream started, low at first but growing in pitch with every second. It became deafening even to her own ears and it took her only a moment to dimly realize that it was her making the noise. Her mouth was twisted open in a tortured shape, her eyes wide and staring blindly as she let the universe know the bounds of her torment. She screamed and cried, wailed and sobbed, her voice echoing back to her own ears in unbearable volume.

The tears that had failed to come at Rhys's funeral came now, streaming down her cheeks in unceasing torrents. She cried not for just Rhys or her loss, but for everyone that wasn't with them now. She cried for all the people that had become more casualties of this cruel war she found herself immersed in. She cried for the fear that at the end of the day, the Inquisition would meet its end because of her.

She knew she should stop, she knew she should get a hold of herself, but she couldn't. Her lips refused to clamp together and keep more unearthly sounds from leaving their confines. Her fingers curled into the frozen dirt beneath the snow, earth collecting beneath her nails. Her breath came in huge heaves, wracking her frame and making her chest hurt from the intensity. She couldn't get enough air all of a sudden, she felt as if she were underwater and stroking her way towards the surface but never getting any closer.

 _You're hyperventilating_ , a dim voice of reason said inside her head. _You need to calm down, deep breaths, deep breaths..._  

"Its all pain inside, its all blame. Why didn't I do more? Why couldn't I do more? I shouldn't have taken him with us. I should've left him behind. That arrow was for me and he took it. My fault, my fault, my fault. I killed him, I did it, I did it, I did it--"

"Stop it Cole," she gasped through her tears, looking to where the pale boy sat cross legged nearby seemingly unbothered by the frozen substance in which he perched. "Stop. It."

"You're hurting. Its all pain, its all dark. I can't see light, only sadness. There are so many thoughts. Its--its too loud! My fault but not my fault but it is because I. Couldn't. Save. Him."

"Get out of my head!" She screamed, her voice ripping from her throat. "Get out, get out, GET OUT!" 

Cole vanished with a small "oh" in the next instant and she sagged forward in exhaustion and misery, her body folding into a child's pose as she started to shake from exertion and emotion.

"Cole...I'm sorry, I didn't...I didn't mean it..."

She didn't know how long she was crouched like that, the world continuing to spin on its axis while she had, for the moment, ceased to be anything. Then hands were smoothing hesitantly over her back and pulling her up and it was Luis Madrigal beside her, his gold flecked eyes large and concerned. If she hadn't just spent herself, she would've felt surprised that it was their newest member who had come to her aid.

But she was too weak, too apathetic to do anything more than stare vacantly as Luis helped her from the snow and swirled his cloak around her shoulders. She let him take her back to Skyhold, accepted his arm around her waist, and kept her face turned into him until he had deposited her safely in her room. Then she crawled into bed, wet clothes and all, and slipped into blessed unconsciousness.  

+++++++

She managed to bring herself to socialize for one day, her room becoming too much of a prison. But she skirted the majority of Skyhold, sticking to back passageways and shadows and ducking behind corners when she needed to, especially if she saw any of her companions. She did well until she reached the outside, pushing through a door and ending up paces from the armory and tavern. 

She didn't know how she'd wound up where she had, only that retracing her steps would be highly ineffective as she'd taken turns on whim. Lucky for her, the upper courtyard was vastly deserted, just a few occupants ambling to and fro. She ducked her head and kept it down, tucking her chin against her chest as she hurried forward. 

She bypassed the tavern and kept on until the stairs to the battlements were right before her. Quickly she ascended them, breathing a little easier with every inch higher she went. Only the guards were up here, guards who would leave her alone. The fresh air felt nice to her dulled senses. Keeping the windows open in her room hadn't brought the same sort of feeling that being in the outdoors could give to a person.

At the top of the battlements she slid to the far edge to look out over the blankets of snow covering the grounds beyond Skyhold. It was a pristine white as far as the eye could see. Small tendrils of smoke curled upwards into the air from the lower valley, evidence of the troops camped there. She wondered, for a second, whether that was where Cullen was spending the day. 

Then she shut that part of her mind down; he'd rejected her at Halamshiral and it still stung.  _ So why then do you still have that coin around your neck? _ She didn't bother answering herself, turning and making her way into the nearby tower room. The muted sounds of the tavern came from beyond one wall and, after some hesitation, she pushed into the upper level. 

She avoided Cole. She felt badly for the way she'd yelled at him in her moment of vulnerability and wanted to apologize but didn't want her feelings to be read out loud again. She dropped down a level thankful that it too, like the courtyard, was primarily deserted. She wound her way to Sera's room, unconsciously seeking the company of the smart mouthed elf. 

She didn't know why that was the person she was gravitating towards at the moment. Maybe Sera would just talk and she could listen and feel like part of the world again. She didn't knock on the rogue's door, pushing it open just a crack instead. An arrow whizzed wickedly through the air and struck the wood beside the cracked door, traveling three quarters of the way through the solid material. 

"One for the Empress--"

Another arrow struck with a loud zing. 

"For Gaspard--"

A third embedded itself forcefully in the wood.

"Briala--"

A fourth arrow...

"The Duchess--"

A fifth arrow...

"Coryphefuss, right in the dangle bag!"

A sixth arrow twanged loudly. 

"And that's--" Sera broke off and breathed heavily,"--that's for the Duchess...again...for Rhys."  The archer's voice ended on a somber note, cracking at the last second.

On the other side of the door, still unnoticed by the elf, she scrunched her eyes shut and her heart squeezed; she backed away quietly. Slipping back to her own quarters, she pulled the covers of her bed over her head and stared blankly at the darkness beneath them.

* * *

At the end of the first week, Florianne de Chalons was brought for judgement. It seemed all of Skyhold attempted to cram itself into the Great Hall. The people whispered and speculated at what would be the fate for the treasonous Orlesian, but they all fell silent as their Inquisitor took the throne. Her face was unmoving, composed into a wall that gave nothing away. She ascended the dais to the throne in steady steps, the soft thunk of her boots upon the stone flooring the only noise that interrupted the silence of the hall.

She turned and sat down, dressed somberly in a black jacket and grey breeches. Ambassador Montilyet followed and took up her usual position beside the Inquisitor's throne, her ever present writing tablet balanced in the crook of one arm.

"I do not believe a reminder is necessary for this accused," Josephine spoke steadily, her words directed at the Inquisitor but audible to the rest of the hall. "Her capture and disgrace could not have been more public. Grand Duchess Florianne de Chalons, although her titles are among the dignities already at risk of forfeiture, _has_ acknowledged your authority in the matter of her fate."

A clanking of chains and marching of feet garnered all the attention in the hall as the accused was brought forward. Dressed in a prisoner's roughspun tunic, the Duchess hardly looked the part of murderess especially with layers of grime covering her features. She kept her head bowed, her eyes directed at the floor even when she was put directly before her judge.

"At the palace, you spared her life despite her treachery--"

"An event that was precipitated by her murder of an Inquisition member," the Inquisitor said cooly, interrupting the Ambassador's sentence. Her voice was flat, devoid of emotion, detached. Lady Montilyet only bowed her head in deference, her expression giving nothing away.

"One of the many charges she stands accused of."

"Not accused," the Inquisitor said softly, though the calmness of her voice was somehow more sinister than if she'd suddenly begun to rage. "She _is_ guilty of them."

For a second, the Ambassador seemed at a loss but she collected herself quickly and bowed her head again. The Inquisitor stared down upon the Duchess, her pale, green eyes appearing as two blazing jewels set within her face. 

"I do appreciate you taking the time to attend _my_ party," the Inquisitor stated evenly after a few minutes during which she simply regarded the Duchess. "You seem a tad out of your element, though."

Florianne gave a noncommital noise, raising her head to look the Inquisitor in the eye. The two women appeared to be studying each other with Florianne breaking eye contact first.

"Would you like to offer anything in your defense?" The Inquisitor asked, tilting her head to the side. "Now would be the time to do so."

"Would there even be a point?" Florianne asked. "I can't imagine you haven't already made up your mind about me." 

"Are you giving up that easily?" The Inquisitor questioned, the mock surprise in her collected tone underlaid with venom. The onlookers in the hall shifted uncomfortably, trepidation spreading through the air.

"I am not giving up. I am accepting the fate you have decided upon for me far before this trial. What will it be Inquisitor? Exile to some far flung country? Locked away in a tower and given only bread and water until the end of my days?"

The Inquisitor was quiet after the last of Florianne's words rang out, her fingers steepled before her mouth as if she were lost deep in thought. Her eyes were narrowed as they left the Duchess and swept over the hall, taking in all the faces gathered there to witness her judgement. As the Inquisitor continued to not speak, to not pass her final say in the matter of Florianne's life, whispers began to rise within the space. What would she do? Would she send the Duchess away to be locked up somewhere and forgotten about? Would she perhaps send her back to Orlais to face the judgement of her brother, the Grand Duke?

"Exile would be too good for you," the Inquisitor said lowly. "Exile would still be life..."

A few people gasped but the majority leaned forward, drawn towards the scent of imminent bloodshed.

"Inquisitor, if I may." Ambassador Montilyet stepped towards the throne but was halted by the look she received from the party she was about to intercede with.

"No Ambassador, I fear you may not. Florianne de Chalons has committed an egregious crime. She has murdered the Empress of Orlais and sworn fealty to Corypheus, ready to deliver the Empire and the world to him. She would have framed her brother for Celene's murder and sent him to the headsman. She killed one of our own members..." The Inquisitor paused in her list of grievances and took a deep breath, seeming to steady herself. She blinked rapidly as if tears had gathered in her eyes and she was working to clear them before they betrayed her to the masses. She swallowed and continued. "Florianne would have destroyed all those who stood against her and not batted an eye. An evil like that...cannot be allowed to remain."

The temperature in the Great Hall felt like it dropped a few notches, a chill permeating the air at the impending sentence.

"Grand Duchess Florianne de Chalons, I sentence you to death. You will be sent back to Orlais for execution--"

Collective, muted gasps went up from the crowd, although none could truly say they were _that_ surprised by the ruling. 

"Your Worship, please, I have acknowledged your authority, I have--"

"I do not care what you have and have not done," the Inquisitor interrupted smoothly, hands going to grip the arms of her throne as she leaned forward imperiously. "What concessions you have made in the wake of your capture have done nothing to bring back the lives you stole."

"But--but--but I could be a valuable asset to your Inquisition!" Florianne continued, a note of desperation inching its way into her voice. "I could give you the names and locations of other supporters of Corypheus. You could find them before they act. You could--"

"I could what? I could come to realize how helpful you can be when you aren't trying to have me killed? I could overlook your transgressions because you think you've made a valuable point? You're begging, Florianne, and it doesn't become you, nor will it work. Not after what you did. Execution in Orlais and forfeiture of your titles and other dignities...that is my final say."

The Inquisitor rose from her throne as steadily as she'd taken it, although there seemed to be a slight tremor to her person now as if she shook with repressed emotion or possible exhaustion from the proceedings. As she made to leave, a cry came from Florianne's lips and the Duchess sank to the ground, prostrating as much as her chains would allow. The crowd pressed forward, straining to see over heads and shoulders the accused's last plead for life.

"Please, Inquisitor, I ask for your mercy. I was mislead, I realize now Corypheus had no intention of honoring the concordats I--"

"You ask for mercy?" The Inquisitor had stopped in her tracks partway down the dais and now turned blisteringly hard eyes upon the Duchess's cowed form. "You ask for mercy? You ask for me to spare your life when you took the life of my friend?!"

Ambassador Montilyet stepped beside the Inquisitor, one hand outstretched as if to grasp her arm and lead her away. But the Inquisitor shook her advisor off and took a menacing step towards Florianne.

"Can you _raise_ the _dead_ , Lady Florianne? Can you turn back _time_? If you happen to develop either of those talents before you go to meet the headsman, maybe _then_ I will show you mercy."

With her words reverberating off the stone walls, the Inquisitor left.

* * *

She sat on the edge of her bed, her heart racing, palms sweating, shoulders shaking, replaying the Duchess's trial over and over. She supposed the Great Hall would have emptied by now, Florianne taken back to Skyhold's prisons to be readied for travel to Orlais, the spectators back to their regular routines though they would be whispering about the judgement passed on the Empresses's traitorous cousin for days to come. 

She sniffed and found that a well of tears had come upon her. She felt them roll down her cheeks, watched them drop from her face to land in little, dark splotches on the cloth of her breeches. She thought that she would feel better after she'd taken care of Florianne, that she'd feel like she'd served justice. But the hollowness inside her chest remained.

She knew she was going to have to answer to Josephine soon; the Ambassador might have been allowing her a short reprieve but it wouldn't last for very long, not with the magnitude of the sentence handed down. She twisted her fingers aimlessly in her lap, her head bowed, biting her lip to keep from full on crying. She wanted everything to be over. She wanted to be months down the road where this kind of misery was nothing but a distant memory to her, a distant ache in her body.

She heard her door open and thought she'd locked it. As the tread of someone's feet coming up the stairs reached her ears, she knew she'd forgotten to throw the latch and keep any attempted visitors out.

"Shailene?"

She didn't even flinch at her mother's voice, too tired to even curse her new guest. Cordelia came across the room and sat down on the bed beside her, the mattress sagging under the combined weight of the two women.

"I'm sorry...about all this," Cordelia finally said after a few moments of silence.

"So am I."

"What happened back there...I want you to know that I fully support your decision. That woman was beyond reprieve. Her treason needed to be punished accordingly to the crime she committed."

"Thanks."

They lapsed into silence. She wanted her mother gone. She wanted to be by herself. She wanted to curl into a ball and nurse her wounds in the solitude of her room. She had so many these days it was hard to keep them all staunched.

"Here." Cordelia pressed a handkerchief into her hand and she brought it to her eyes.

"Thanks."

"Can I send for tea or anything? A pot of your favorite chamomile maybe?"

She shook her head. Her throat was too tight for full sentences at the moment. She didn't think even tea would be able to bypass the constricted muscles. She flinched when Cordelia's hand gently pressed between her shoulder blades and rubbed hesitantly in a small circle. When she didn't pull away, the hand grew more confident and she actually began to relax beneath the ministration. If she'd been born of a different background, she would have leant into the touch and allowed her mother to comfort her. But she was herself, her wildly unlucky, miserable self and so she did not allow her body to give into temptation.

"If there's anything I can do for you--"

"Always the opportunist, mother."

"Shailene...I'm not here for any other reason than to give my condolences and make sure you're alright."

"Okay..."

She didn't have the strength to argue, she didn't have the will to sustain a conversation. The weakened part of her mind wanted to accept her mother's words as the truth and so she let it. They stayed side by side until Cordelia sensed she would overstay her welcome soon and left, imparting a condoling shoulder squeeze. The door closed and then she was alone again, only she'd gotten used to her mother beside her and the space felt ludicrously empty now. 

She rose and crossed to full length mirror that stood next to the cold and silent hearth. Beside the reflective glass, leaned steadily against the wall, was her half finished portrait. The Orlesian painter had only managed to color in her face and the upper half of the background before their session had abruptly ended. Consequently, the rest of her body below the neck was nothing but sketched lines and contours. She stared at herself, at the stoic expression her likeness wore. She would give anything to go back to that day, to stop the future from happening.

Her attention flicked back to her mirror and she met her reflection's eyes, pale green and hollow. She wondered when her gaze would start looking like someone was home behind it. She wondered when she wouldn't look so mournful or so empty. She wondered, as she inspected the tight line her mouth was drawn into, when she would ever smile or laugh again. She wondered if she ever would.

She looked at her face, really looked at it, took in the scars that hadn't always been there but were now a permanent part of her person. She examined the freckles crossing the bridge of her nose, how much darker they were from her prolonged time in the sun and outdoors. And then she was back to her eyes, sorting through the different shades of green that made up their irises. 

She lost herself in her mirror image, let her mind unravel, let the thoughts she'd been holding back flood her brain. It came to her as if she were living it all over again; Rhys jumping in front of Florianne's arrow, the relief she'd felt when the Duchess was captured, the utter horror she'd felt strike through her body when she saw her friend wasn't okay, the small amount of hope she'd clung to that Vivienne could save Rhys's life, the crushing acceptance that he wasn't going to make it, the waves of incomprehensible emotion that had crashed over her when Blackwall said, "He's gone".

She wanted to smash the mirror to bits. She wanted to get rid of the thing causing her to reflect on the very event that haunted her every time she closed her eyes. She hated her face all of a sudden. She hated the mournful way she looked, she hated the vacant expression, the feeling that she was going to start screaming again and never stop. Her hand came up unconsciously to capture a loose curl between its fingers.

She pulled the strand straight then let it spring back into shape. She did it again, only more forcefully, her scalp prickling a bit at the action's gruffness. She fisted her hand in her curls, tightening her grasp as her mouth pulled into a sneer. She hated her reflection. She hated that she was okay when Rhys was not. She hated that she couldn't mourn the way she wanted to because everyone was always looking at her, always watching. _I'll give them something to look at. I'll give them something to whisper about._

She looked to her left, to her desk where the fading sunlight coming through the windows glinted off a blade. The dagger was in her hand and she was back in front of the mirror before she'd even thought to move, at least it felt that way. She gazed upon herself, upon the face that had become animated for a brief moment but had now retreated once more into blankness. 

Her hand went back to her hair and she grasped a chunk, pulling it taught. She brought the blade to it in a quick sawing motion, watching the dark tresses separate from the rest of her head and fall to the floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I know that like this entire chapter goes without describing Shai by name and I did that because I wanted to try and signify her loss of self, like she's just so numb she isn't really in her own body. Hope the viewpoint change in Florianne's trial wasn't too confusing. I wanted it to be from an onlooker's perspective just to show how detached Shai's become. Also, I know Blackwall's outburst might seem a little OOC for him, but when I played through Wicked Eyes/Wicked Hearts and I let Celene die, his *SPOILER* approval rating dropped for me afterwards and he flat out told my quizzie he didn't like her anymore so, I just branched off of that.


	43. Inopportune Moments

"You were not authorized to attack!"

"You could have been killed! The manpower in that keep outnumbered you three to one!"

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"

Although both Josephine and Leliana were equally perturbed at the current circumstances, Cullen's anger and outrage steamrolled over them both. Shai had--willingly-- put her life in danger by capturing Griffon Wing Keep with absolutely no back up, no real force, and no prior knowledge of the keep's layout. She could have been killed, or captured, or killed, or handed off to Corypheus, or killed, or maimed...or killed. Cullen's stomach gave a mighty sick lurch at the thought of the Inquisitor dead. 

He hadn't known she'd been planning such a dangerous feat; none of the other advisors had. She'd finally seemed to come out of the daze she was in since Rhys's death--and the disaster the funeral feast had been--and declared that she and her team were leaving for the Approach to finish what they'd started there. Everyone had been too happy to agree with her plans hoping that when Shai returned from the desert, she'd be lifelike again. 

Frankly it had scared Cullen senseless the way she had shut down so completely in the past couple weeks. It had reminded him unnervingly of the tranquil Mages he'd guarded in the Circles. She'd been so apathetic, so emotionless...it had been awful; he'd hurt for her over her loss. But after his refusal of her at Halamshiral, when she'd needed him so much, he'd been unable to approach her. The best he'd done thus far was staying behind to make sure Shai had made it safely back into Skyhold after they'd returned Rhys to the Maker upon a funeral pyre. Cullen had kept his distance, watching from just far enough away that Shai wouldn't see him yet close enough he could help if need be. 

She'd made it back fine on her own to the Great Hall though, as he'd somehow known she would, and now he only wished he'd done more at the funeral feast. No one really knew why Blackwall had chosen that exact moment to stand up and profess all his misgivings about the Empresses's murder. The Warden was normally so quiet and stoic that Cullen had really been shocked by the sudden emotion welling out of the man's voice. After Shai had fled the hall, the fight had seemed to go out of Blackwall and he'd taken his leave as well. Then suddenly no one was very hungry anymore.     

Of course Cullen had noticed that Luis Madrigal slunk away to follow Shai and it had twisted the knife lodged in his gut deeper. It hadn't helped when the Inquisitor had returned under the shelter of the Madrigal boy's cloak, letting him walk her all the way to her chambers. Cullen had been digging his fingernails into the battlement railing as that was where he'd taken up watch to ensure Shai returned. 

Some primal urge in Cullen had surged to the surface and demanded he grab Luis by the collar and show him out of Skyhold. But Cullen had held onto his frayed self-control. He was just jealous, he'd assured himself. He was jealous and uncomfortable with the newcomer gaining Shai's attentions and he didn't exactly like that Cordelia had been the one to show him into the Inquisitor's inner circle...that was all, nothing to worry unduly about. And speaking of Cordelia Trevelyan, the woman had been a constant visitor to the Inquisitor's room, something that surprised Cullen as much as it surprised anyone else who knew the pair's history...and made him wary as well.  

Shai made a noise from across the war table, bringing Cullen's eyes to her face where they bored into her features until she finally met his stare. She'd cut her hair before she'd left for the Approach. No, cut sounded far too refined. Hacked it off was more accurate. The curls that had once fallen past her shoulders now barely kissed the base of her neck. Unruly pieces framed her face and she'd been constantly pushing them out of her line of sight for the five minutes the war meeting had been in session. Cullen had been shocked--as had everyone else--when Shai initially revealed her transformation. However, he'd come to find the new style...cute.

"You should have waited for reinforcements. The Inquisition acts as a unit. The Commander had men here ready to leave at a moments notice," Leliana was saying, tapping the war table with one, slender finger emphatically as she spoke.  

"That would've taken weeks!" Shai argued, raising her arms in irritation and letting them drop back to her sides with a loud slap.

"Yet it would've assured you weren't running a suicide mission," Cullen fired back, his hands planting themselves on the table as he leaned forward.

"Well I'm alive so clearly that's not what happened." Shai crossed her arms and glared at him. He barely acknowledged her anger, noticing instead that she was showing the most emotion he'd seen from her in what felt like a very long time. It was a relief...but he was still very unhappy with her brazen capture of Griffon Wing. 

"What's done is done," Josephine stated, though her voice was hard edged and far from accepting. "We now have a strong presence in the approach and a permanent base of operations. Whatever the Inquisitor lacked in judgement, she has provided us with yet another victory."

Cullen made a dismissive sound and turned to Cassandra who had been dragged into the meeting being an accomplice to the keep's capture .

"How could you let her do this?! You were supposed to be watching her."

"I'm not a child!" Shai stated before the Seeker could answer. "I don't _need_ babysitting!"

"At the time it seemed like we were prepared enough to act on our own," Cassandra responded cooly, her ire at being scolded showing plainly on her face.

"And we were!" Shai cut back in. "The Inquisition flag is raised, the keep is going to be occupied by our soldiers, lets move on to what's next. No one died, everyone's back in one piece. It was an achievement."

"It was direct disobedience," Cullen challenged, feeling their heated discussion was far from over. When a raven had been sent back with the news of the capture, he'd scrambled to get men to the Approach fast enough to prevent the Inquisition losing their new property; Rylen had had to ride out of Skyhold in the dead of night with a company of soldiers. "If this should happen again--"

"I won't be dumb enough to write home about it," Shai assured. It was definitely not the right answer and Cullen felt his cheeks flush with a fresh burst of displeasure. His lips pulled back from his teeth as he bared them. Electricity crackled in the room and finally Josephine intervened.

"Moving forward our next move will _have_ to be the capture of Adamant. Now that we have some momentum, we shouldn't delay. And Ser Stroud sent his own missive from the Approach that we should act quickly before Corypheus can recover since we foiled his plans at Halamshiral."

"I agree, we shouldn't wait. We'll lose what advantage we hold. And we will  ALL be participating in the capture of Adamant," Cullen was quick to declare. 

"Well no shit Commander!"

 

 

It felt like everyone in the room--save Shai and Cullen--gave a collective sigh of regret at the resurrection of old animosity between the Commander and Inquisitor.

"We don't have time for petty arguments," the Seeker declared bestowing leveled looks all around. "We _will_ be better organized next time. But the subject still stands, the assault on Adamant is nearing."

"How are your men Cullen? Are they ready?" Leliana questioned.

"Yes." Was the simple reply, grating and angered. Cullen pushed himself back from the war table and crossed his arms, squaring his stance. His muscles were locked and tensed and he knew he positively radiated indignation. That was fine by him though. Shai had pulled a dumb move, a really, really stupid move actually. 

She was lucky she _had_ come back in one piece and that everyone else had as well. This maneuver was probably on par with her sentencing the Duchess to death without notifying _any_ of her advisors what was coming. Josephine had been up to her ears in sending and answering letters, doing damage control even though the overwhelming majority of her correspondents had more or less agreed with the Inquisitor's sentence, or at the very least weren't willing to challenge it. Even Gaspard had acknowledged the legitimacy of the sentencing, his sibling tie to the Duchess aside.  

"I'll instruct my agents to leave on the morrow and scout ahead. With luck we can stick to the outskirts of both Emprise du Lion and the Exalted Plains."

"Perhaps upon our return we can answer the calls for help we've received from both those regions. The Plains is especially an area we could offer some stability to and a red Templar presence in Emprise du Lion can hardly be ignored for much longer."

"But don't forget Josie, we also have yet to follow up on the reported Venatori activity in the Hissing Wastes and the Inquisitor hasn't yet set foot in the Emerald Graves. All of these places are within reach once we arrive in the Approach," Leliana reminded. Cullen watched Shai's face morph as Spymaster and Ambassador ticked off all the missions the Inquisition had yet to complete. It made his hands clench with restlessness at the sheer amount of work there was left to complete and _he_ wasn't even the person getting sent in to clean up all the mess.

"Just write it all down and give me the list," Shai said impatiently, crossing her arms tightly and jutting out one hip. "I'll get it done."

Josephine said something in agreement and there was a bit more discussion of the time table for Adamant, the war meeting adjourning with it being decided the Inquisition would march to the Approach in a sennight. It gave Cullen roughly seven days to finalize troop movements and strategies. Truthfully he'd been brainstorming an assault since the Inquisitor had first left for the Approach. 

He was more than aware of Adamant's presence and he hadn't ruled it out as a good base of operations for either side. Of course Cullen meant for their side to be the one occupying it in the end but in order for that to happen, a bit of house cleaning would need to be done. So he was ready, and the sooner it was done the better. He made a mental note to send a raven to Rylen at Griffon Wing and instruct his second-in-command to gather what soldiers he could spare for the assault. 

With luck the Inquisition's casualties would be small, though Cullen knew that was being optimistic. They would be facing a raging force, bolstered by demons he was sure. It would be a battle unlike any they'd seen thus far; they'd be performing a siege and would live to tell the tale. _Hopefully_ , he thought dully, _hopefully we live--_ and then as he looked at Shai who was biting her lip and staring down at the map-- _hopefully she lives_.

Cassandra was the first one out of the war room, banging through the doors with a little more force than was necessary. Cullen had long since given up wondering whether the Seeker would ever learn the art of subtlety; he figured it would be around the same time as he himself did. Shai was also turning to leave, following on the heels of Leliana and Josephine who were speaking quietly to each other as they walked side-by-side. 

"Inquisitor, a moment please." 

The words came unbidden from Cullen's mouth and he watched Shai stiffen as she stopped mid-stride. Leliana and Josephine were mercifully both through the war room doors, the heavy wood swinging slowly back into place before Cullen heard the distinct click of the latch catching. Then he and Shai were alone for the first time since that night at the Winter Palace and he was clenching and unclenching his fists rhythmically with nerves. 

"I...I suppose you're feeling better?" He asked, wondering where the rebuke he'd meant to bestow upon her had gone. His blood had stopped boiling all of a sudden and he wasn't thinking about chastising Shai for her actions in the Approach privately. He'd been preparing a small speech in his head as the war meeting had drawn to a close, intending to make the Inquisitor understand the full scope of her actions. 

But now that the moment had come, he found he wanted to mark the time with something else instead of another reprimand.

"I'm fine," came Shai's grated reply and Cullen flinched at her tone. Maker's breath, it had enough acid in it to burn through stone. She hadn't even bothered to turn to look at him, instead her head was tilted slightly to the side offering him the barest glimpse of her profile. He felt lower than the lowest that she couldn't even look upon him, that he'd burned her so badly she'd rather stare at a wall than at him. He swallowed roughly and attempted to forge ahead. 

"That's uh that's good. I'm...I'm pleased to--"

"Is there something you actually needed, Commander? If not I have things to do." She cut him off rapidly and he closed his mouth with a soft click of teeth. She hated his guts. He got that impression as thoroughly as if he'd been struck by the lightning she could cast. She hated him. Or if he was still lucky enough to not have incurred her hate, she certainly felt something very close to that sentiment towards him.

"Needed? No, I...I suppose not," he said softly, drawing both hands to rest on the pommel of his sword, assuming his default position. He was mildly glad that Shai couldn't see the way his face morphed from hopeful to stoic. She surprised him when she whirled around abruptly, the tightness of her jaw belying the blank, neutral expression she wore. 

"Then good day, _Commander_."

He didn't miss the forced way she said his title. There was no familiarity in her tone, no indication that she had once been inclined to call him by his first name, no hint that they had shared what he could only reflect back on in memories because it had been torn to shreds by his own blundering. When Shai didn't make any move to leave, he realized she was waiting on him to dismiss her. In fact, she was glaring at him so persistently, so fixedly, he got the impression she was trying to reduce him to ashes with just her gaze alone.

He went from being apologetic and cowed to irritated and non-compliant in the span of a second. So she was hurt over what they'd lost? So was he. _He_ had been the one having nightmares about murdering her. _He_ had been the one who had to _push_ her away to keep her safe when all he'd wanted to do was pull her close and hold her. _He_ had had to make the tough decisions. _She_ had no idea what was going through his mind. _She_ hadn't had to do battle with the worst kind of monster because it was a monster that lived somewhere it couldn't be physically vanquished. She was hurt but so was _he_. 

Cullen's eyes narrowed and he took a step forward expecting Shai to take one back, but she held her ground. 

"Is there something you want to say?" He challenged. 

"I'm not the one who called me back," she retorted crossing her arms once more, her body language going from impassive to impenetrable. "Seems you're the one who had something on your mind."

"I was inquiring about your health."

"And I said I was fine."

"I don't believe you," he said abruptly, taking another step. 

" _You_ don't have to," Shai responded, still not moving but tilting her chin up to hold his eyes. "Its not like you care to begin with."

Cullen's eyes widened at the accusation and he moved closer, feeling ridiculously like a predator stalking its prey, like he and Shai were engaged in a slow dance that continued to take form with every passing second.

"That's not true," he growled lowly, his tone steadfast and convicted. It wasn't true. He cared, he cared a whole lot. He just couldn't figure out how to show it without endangering her, that was the hard truth of it. But it was a confession she wouldn't understand at face value and he didn't have it in him to go deeper yet, to truly explain just how hard it was for him to pick himself up off the ground and keep going. 

"It isn't?" Shai asked, eyebrows shooting up. "Well _Commander_ , you could have fooled me."

_There's that tone again_ , he noted acerbically as she said his title. Her voice was at once mocking and vehement, and unless he was mistaken--which he didn't think he was--there was a wounded hitch to her words as well. 

"Its not that I don't care," he blurted through clenched teeth. Shai's expression changed slightly but Cullen couldn't put his thumb on what had changed about it. This time she stepped closer to him, her eyes blazing up at him past the stray tendrils of curls kissing her temples and the tops of her cheekbones. 

"Then what is it?"

He blanched and looked away. It was on the tip of his tongue, his confession. His heart had stopped its ceaseless beating, the organ seeming to pause with bated breath to see if its owner would finally speak up. Indeed it felt like everything in him was whispering for him to say it, to just say it, to confess, to get it off his chest. _I can't_ , he thought miserably, _I can't_. He squeezed his eyes shut, his jaw tightening as he gritted his teeth and his fingers clenched.

Shai was quiet for a moment and then she made some sort of noise that sounded like a choked laugh. When he looked back at her, her lips were pulled into a sneer that seemed to tremble a bit at the corners. 

"Of course," she nearly whispered, her face darkening. "Of course." 

She whirled to leave, her scent infiltrating Cullen's nostrils as she stirred up a small gust of wind with her abrupt movement. He reached for her reflexively, expecting his fingers to close around her upper arm. He could do it, he decided abruptly, he could lay his soul bare, otherwise he would risk losing Shai forever. He could be impetuous for one moment and it would save the day. It would save everything. He could feel it in his blood that once Shai was looking at him again he wouldn't falter, he would come clean and then this whole mess would be behind them. 

It was a particularly cruel stroke of fate that sent a sharp stab of blinding pain through his right temple and caused him to gasp and bring his reaching hand back to grasp his head. _What? What...no._ He bit back a groan of pain. _No, no, no, no._  He hadn't been having any withdrawal symptoms as of late. In fact they'd seemed to taper off altogether. He'd even felt well enough to stop taking his regular dose of potions and now as he bent in half, his fingers planted firmly against his forehead, he saw what a mistake that had been. 

"Cullen--"

His insides would have leapt at the worried way Shai spoke to him and, not just spoke, but said his name, except they were all focused on what was suddenly going so wrong in his head. He tried to stifle another groan but this one made its way past his tightly clenched teeth and out into the world. _It will pass, it will pass, it will pass_. Only it wasn't passing, it was intensifying and he didn't even realize he was sinking more towards the ground until his knee connected with the cold, stone floor.

"Cullen? Cullen?! Are you alright? I'll get help! I'll be right back I'll--"

"No!" He gasped out, reaching blindly to try and waylay Shai before she revealed his weakness to the entire fortress. "No!"

His hand connected with solid flesh and it took a moment before he realized she was holding it in her own and then he heard the rustle of clothing as she sunk to her knees in front of him. His eyes were shut so firmly he doubted he'd ever be able to pry them open again and he was wondering why his teeth hadn't shattered with the force he was exerting to keep them pressed together.

"Cullen?"

"I'll be fine!" He growled fiercely. Mixed with his pain was the shame at Shai seeing him like this. He hadn't wanted to give her a personal show of what was wrong with him. He'd wanted to explain it in words, words that he could pick and choose so that he didn't seem like such a weak person. She dropped his hand at his tone and he almost cried out at the loss of comfort that would seem so insignificant to an onlooker but to him had been so much. 

He stayed hunkered down until the pain receded enough he could open his eyes. He blinked to bring the ground into focus, squinting a bit at the brightness of the space even though the war room was hardly filled with an overwhelming amount of light. He stiffened when he saw Shai's scuffed boots still before him, particular creases in the leather indicating she remained crouched to his level despite the way he'd growled at her like some animal. 

Slowly, painfully slowly, Cullen looked up to Shai's face. He didn't realize he was panting as if he'd run a great distance or that sweat had popped out in profuse beads on his brow. She was regarding him with so many questions in her eyes and he had the answers for them, yet he didn't at the same time. Her pale, green irises searched his face rapidly, flitting back and forth over every feature, missing nothing in his moment of vulnerability. Then her lips parted and she took a deep breath before speaking.

"Cullen...what's wrong?"   


	44. The Night Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm throwing this up so late, first week back at school hasn't left a lot of time for writing. Next chapter will be Adamant and I'm just gonna stick a disclaimer here for the rest of this fic that I should have put in a long time ago, but pretty much every main quest is going to be an extra long chapter just so I can fully detail out everything that happens/ put my own spin on it/ yadda yadda. So, depending on whether or not you like long chapters, you've got that to look forward to next Sunday ahaha :)

Shai stopped outside her tent, pulled off her boots, and shook what felt like half the desert out of them for the millionth time. The entire force of the Inquisition was newly camped a little over two miles from Adamant. Tomorrow night, they would be attacking the fortress, hopefully driving the evil that lay within from the vicinity. Shai ducked through the flaps of her tent and chucked her boots to the side. Rugs had been laid down as a makeshift floor but were covered with a fine layer of sand as was everything in the Approach. 

She sat down heavily on her cot, the springs squeaking under her weight. The oil lamp hanging from a line of rope that bisected the length of her tent swung slightly, throwing her shadow into contorted forms. She was scared, a bone-deep, blood chilling kind of scared. This was far different than anything she'd done up until this point. Even when she and her team ventured out on a mission, she felt only a buzz of anticipation mixed with a singing of nerves. It had become something as reflexive as tying the laces of her boots or dressing herself; there was no huge ceremony invoked by it.

But now, everything was new and foreign and unsettling. Her bent knees started to jig up and down unconsciously and she steadied them after a moment. She couldn't shake the feeling that once she entered Adamant's walls, she'd be completely on her own. Of course she knew Inquisition soldiers would be paving the way and covering her back--along with her companions--but she still had the niggling doubt that she would exist almost independently of anyone else sieging the fortress with her. And it wasn't a very comforting feeling.

Footsteps came from outside her tent and then she heard the muted tones of Cullen and Leliana as they passed by, no doubt discussing strategies. Shai's mouth twisted and she listened to them continue on until they were out of range. She was finished with Cullen; it was done. She wouldn't spend another minute wondering what went wrong or how it could be fixed or why the universe was so unfair. She was done.

He'd frightened her in the war room when he'd collapsed the way he did. Normal people didn't do that. _Healthy_ , normal people didn't do that. She'd known immediately something was very wrong and she still knew something was off kilter. But Cullen's lips had sealed against any explanation he might've been able to offer and he had shrugged off her concern embarrassedly and made himself scarce. And when she'd been left alone in the war room to stare at the back of the man running from her yet again, she'd made the decision to be done for her own sanity if nothing else.

It was at once a relieving and crushing feeling to be giving up. Only she wasn't so much giving up as accepting facts, at least that's what she told herself. Cullen wasn't going to let her in, not now and possibly not ever. Any other person would've realized they'd been had, and come clean after an episode like he'd experienced. But oh no, not the stoic Commander. Not the man who'd been so rigid the first month she'd spent at Haven that she'd decided there was no other explanation than that he had a stick up his backside. When he decided to remain silent on something, he was taking it to his grave.

Shai harrumphed and swung her legs up onto her cot so she could lay back. _Damn the man. Damn him and his stubborn, thick headed, pea brained self_. _And fuck me too for still missing him_. _You're smarter than this, snap out of it_. She stared at the burlap of the tent's ceiling and tried to think about nothing. She tried to empty her mind of everything that troubled it and would have succeeded if someone didn't pick that exact time to enter her tent and interrupt her.

"Sulking alone?"

She raised herself halfway off her cot to see Hawke holding the flaps of her tent out of his way. Illuminating him from behind was one of the many campfires placed throughout the Inquisition encampment. Shai was surprised to see that the Champion had sought her out and pushed herself fully into a sitting position. 

"I was actually thinking of trying to get some sleep."

"It isn't even late," Hawke said in disbelief. "Come have a drink with us."

Shai hesitated. She didn't exactly feel like being around everyone at the moment. She had too many things to worry about and moreover she didn't want to look upon any faces she might not see ever again after the following night. She'd sunk herself into a funk about the siege and preferred to be left to her own solitary means but it appeared the Champion was having none of it. 

" _If_ you _don't_ come drink with us, you might find yourself short one dwarf on the morrow. Varric is telling some wild tales and I might have to correct him forcefully if he carries on like he is. He could use your protection if it comes to that." 

"Making you look bad?" Shai teased, her sour mood starting to lighten. Hawke grinned as she took the bait. 

"He could never." 

She followed the Champion to the campfire, noting that most everyone had sat themselves down in the sand. A few logs had been drug over from where they'd been discovered but they were small and paltry, accommodating only one person comfortably. Varric was, true to Hawke's word, standing front and center, arms outstretched, face split in a toothy grin.

There was a bit of a shuffle as Shai approached, people sliding over to make room for her. She took stock of Blackwall sitting across the loose circle everyone had arranged themselves in. The Warden nodded and she inclined her head in response. He'd come to her days after the funeral feast, knocking softer than she'd thought him capable of on her bedroom door at Skyhold. _I wanted to apologize for my manners_ , he'd said as soon as she'd allowed him into her quarters. _What I said--how I said it--that was beneath me and unworthy_. _I do not doubt your ability to make decisions as our leader. In fact...I respect that you make the tough decisions for us. That you're strong enough to do so_. And then he'd knelt almost on impulse, his dark head bent. _I ask your forgiveness Inquisitor_.

She'd absolved him quite quickly, uncomfortable with the severity of the situation, still feeling hazy and out of touch with the world. They were by no means close friends now, but they'd returned more or less to the mutual level of comfortability they'd possessed before. She settled into the sand between Dorian and Luis. The latter turned at once to smile at her, the firelight picking out the gold of his eyes.

He'd been a steady visitor to her room after he'd brought her in from the snow, ducking in every now and then to make sure she was okay. He hadn't tried to goad her into conversation, rather being content to just sit in her vicinity and socialize with Miko, who had taken a liking to the Antivan. She'd appreciated the camaraderie and felt as if they'd begun a friendship, especially after learning of the fact he was a Mage like herself.

She'd eventually been steady enough to actually talk to him and not just about Rhys; she'd opened up about Cullen as well. She hadn't told anyone about she and the Commander (aside from Dorian who'd wheedled it out of her) trusting something would accidentally get out. But Luis had seemed safe and she'd unburdened all her troubles with getting Cullen to talk to her as of late.

In turn she'd learned Luis's past.  _My family, House Madrigal, has a decent standing in Antiva. Unfortunately for them, I developed Mage powers and was sent to the Circles. But when they rebelled, having nowhere else to go, I came home,_ Luis had related.  _My father being the man that he is accepted me back and allowed my arcane studies to continue at our estate, provided I was cautious and didn't burn the whole place down around us._ It had sounded too far fetched to be true and Shai had said so, prompting a saddened look from Luis as he explained his mother had left in detestation of his abilities, taking his younger siblings with her.

 _For what its worth...I'm sorry. She lost a good son_ , Shai had said suddenly, placing her hand on Luis's shoulder. He'd shifted beneath her touch and chuckled at her words.  _You hardly even know me and you're willing to pass that sort of judgement? _ He'd asked speculatively. _You're here, you're wanting to help, I'd say that makes you a good person_. He'd lit up at her words, his sad look fading away completely. 

Now he nudged her gently with his shoulder, the firelight dancing over his features.

"You're quiet tonight."

Shai shrugged, the motion lined with duress. "Can you blame me?" 

Luis gave her a steady look as he slowly shook his head. "No, not with what's happening tomorrow."

She sighed and looked at the ground, brow furrowed in consternation. Tomorrow might be a major win for them, or a devastating loss. Worst of all, she had no sixth sense or gut feeling one way or the other. Luis nudged her again as if reading her mind and knowing she needed to be distracted from the doom and gloom cloud over her head. 

"Varric's certainly in a good mood." The Antivan Mage nodded towards the dwarf who had just elicited a large guffaw from the people nearest him. A derisive snort also intermingled with his audience's reaction and Shai looked to where Cassandra was situated on a log, her arms crossed but a small smirk adorning her mouth.

"I don't believe a word of this," Dorian broke in with a derisive snort, gesturing at Varric with a wave of his hand. "Much too far fetched."

"The Champion has been contradicting him at almost every turn," Luis offered, indicating Hawke who leaned against a log, his out-stretched legs leisurely crossed at the ankle. Luis's voice sounded almost star struck, as if he couldn't truly believe Hawke was in their midst. _He's real_ , Shai wanted to say on impulse. But she swallowed those words and instead said: 

"He's just trying to ruffle Varric's feathers."

Shai let the tenseness coursing through her limbs ease and reclined slightly, deciding that the sand, while troublesome by getting into every nook and cranny, provided a decent enough seat. Varric's story eventually wound down and he took a seat to the sound of some intermittent applause. After, regular conversation broke out amongst the people gathered. A few soldiers broke off to exchange places with their comrades on watch rotation and the newcomers settled by the campfire readily, their faces tired. 

Shai drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, content to listen to the buzz of low voices talking. The reality of tomorrow was starting to set back in. She was feeling detached from her surroundings again as if she were encased in her own, little bubble. For a second she thought to comfort herself by imagining what Rhys would be saying if he were there, how he would be allaying her fears about the siege. 

But just dwelling on playing that kind of game threatened to open up a well of ache in her chest and so she abandoned that trajectory. She settled her chin on the tops of her knees, staring into the flames of the campfire. She tried to pick out all the different colors swirling together in the heat, distinguishing yellows and oranges quite easily whilst finding a bluish tinge closer towards the charred wood. 

Fire was pretty when you took a moment to actually look at it, and when it wasn't busy destroying. There was something enchanting and magical about the way it flickered and flared. She fancied she could stay here looking at it for hours on end, just letting the play of light occupy her mind instead of the darker thoughts that were begging entrance. Her ears opened to the voices around her and she mildly took stock of some of the intermingling conversations.

"How do you stand the Skyhold stables?" This coming from Cassandra to Blackwall. 

"They're quiet. I like having time to myself."

"I can't imagine finding 'quiet time' in that stench." 

"They're only horses," the Warden chuckled.  

"They’re not horses. They’re dung monsters with hooves and tails."

Blackwall gave a full bellied laugh at that.

"Now I have a question for you, Seeker." 

"Alright, what is it?"

"You were the Right Hand of the Divine, and Leliana the Left?"

"Yes, and if you joke about the Right Hand not knowing what the Left is doing, I will punch you."

The Warden balked. "Me?! No, I would never make such a terrible joke."

"Solas, darling, if you wish instruction in proper magical attacks before we approach Adamant tomorrow, do let me know." 

Shai had forgotten that both Vivienne and Solas were present around the campfire, both sitting somewhat away from the general group. 

"I will. Perhaps you will direct me to a Circle Mage who does not front-load her barriers?"

That was the end of that conversation. 

"Psst Dorian."  Coming from Sera now. 

The Tevinter Mage seemed to heave a sigh next to Shai but he answered the call. 

"Yes Sera?"

"Those words you say. What do they mean?"

"What, you mean like 'mendicant?' 'Ultimatum?' "

"No, arse, when you're mad. _Pish-anty cough-ass._ You're swearing, I know it."

" 'Vishante kaffas'. It's Tevene, relics of the old tongue. We still use the colorful phrases."

"And it means what?"

" 'You shit on my tongue' if you're going to translate it literally," Luis answered casually before Dorian could, and then gave a slight, apologetic cough. "Sorry, learned it once upon a time in my studies." 

Sera giggled. "Wicked. Going to use that one tomorrow. Why not just say that though? Making more work than you need."

"A mystery for the ages," Dorian replied but something had changed in his tone.

"Hey Varric," the Iron Bull rumbled. "You gonna write me into one of your stories?"

"Do you really want him to?" Hawke asked with a laugh.

"How could I not?" Varric answered, ignoring his old friend.

"When you do, make sure you describe the musculature right. 'Cause this isn't just endurance work—there was a lot of strength training to get here. You wanna use words like 'rippling', or 'ripped'. 'Ripped' is good too."

"Hmm...The Iron Bull's belly was prone to rippling after every meal. He rarely wore shirts as they ripped under the strain," the storytelling dwarf composed spontaneously.

"Oh come on!" Bull protested. "Now that's just mean Varric. How would you like it if I asked how you manage to be such a damn fine marksman while staring up at everyone's ass the whole time?"

Hawke burst out laughing and Shai giggled at the back and forth between the pint sized rogue and the massive warrior.

"In the world of tall people, you find ways to keep them from tripping over you," Varric retorted.

"You've ever gotten the asses mixed up?" Bull asked, sounding genuinely interested now.

"If I do Tiny," Varric said, his smile evident in his voice. "You'll be the first to know."

"Hey Blackwall."

"Yes Sera?"

"What do Wardens do when there's no Blight anyways?"

The elven rogue was evidently not done with her questionnaire. 

"Whatever it takes to keep the world safe," Blackwall answered matter-of-factly.

"Like join the Inquisition?"

"If that's whats necessary--Hey, you're here too!"

Sera laughed, accompanying the sound with a rather loud snort. "The Inquisition can't be all broody beards like you and Cassandra."

The Warden side eyed the Seeker who was leaning forward now that her name had been brought up in conversation. "She doesn't have the hair for it."

"Oh I bet she does...places."

Shai choked and Cassandra spluttered.

"That's enough!"

"Ha! Knew it!" Sera nearly crowed, her mouth stretching wide in a toothy grin. "But now that I think about it, Blackwall, do all Grey Wardens have beards?"

"Just me," the Warden said darkly, though Shai noted the way his eyes danced as he held back laughter. "I stole all the beards and all the power held within. There can be only one."

Shai missed whatever Sera said in reply for her attention was caught by two figures standing between some tents. A flash of moonlight glanced off Warden armor and she recognized Stroud immediately. He was conferring with someone who's back was turned to Shai but she didn't need to see the Commander's face to know it was him. She recognized the way he stood, feet always planted solidly shoulder-width apart, arms crossed when he wasn't holding a report or resting his hands on his sword pommel, shoulders back as he drew himself up in height reflexively. 

She looked away from Cullen before a different ache could open in her chest. She squashed down how nice it would be to pull him aside and just speak to him in confidence about the siege. She knew he might not put forth the most eloquent diatribe, in fact she was very confident he'd stumble haltingly through sentence after sentence. But she wouldn't have been listening to his words so much as the sound of his voice and letting that soothe her nerves as well as the solidness of his presence. She resolutely switched off the part of her brain that was trying to think of how reassuring it would be to crawl into his tent and sleep with him like she'd done in the middle of the Frostbacks what felt like a lifetime ago.

Luis nudged her shoulder again and when she looked at him he appeared as restless as she felt.

"You wanna take a walk?"

She found herself nodding and letting him help her to her feet. She didn't pay attention to the many sets of curious eyes that followed the two of them as they left the main group and struck off on their own. She particularly didn't want to see the way she was sure Dorian's eyebrows were raised in question at her departure. She knew he'd probably interrogate her later and then be vastly disappointed and widely suspicious when she told him there was nothing to report.

Luis helped her over the taught tethering of a tent rope, though she could have easily stepped over it by herself. Still, the warm contact of her hand in his sent unexpected zings up her arm and Shai pulled away as soon as she was able, tucking both her hands under her armpits.

"I uh I didn't realize how much the temperature drops at night," she commented, hunching her shoulders. Luis had wrapped his own hands around his biceps and was moving them roughly up and down, trying to chase away the slight chill of the Approach.

"Its not something you'd think of, being in a desert," he agreed with a small chuckle.

They wandered between a few rows of tents and found themselves on the edge of the Inquisition's encampment. A soldier stood some yards away on Luis's right and Shai noted another stationed the same distance from her on her left. The guards ignored them, keeping their attention focused on the dunes for any signs of trouble. Luis exhaled quietly, tipping his head back to look up at the night sky.

It was cloudy rather than clear and only a few stars managed to permeate through to show their twinkling light. Shai counted them absently, taking deep breaths of the Approach air that wasn't so suffocating now that the sun wasn't beating down on the land. The moon kept going through periods of being hidden and then visible as clouds blew across its face. The thought came to Shai unbidden of how many of the Inquisition's numbers were looking up at this sky and seeing their second to last night on earth. 

She shivered and screwed her eyes shut. _Stop thinking about it, just stop thinking about it. You can't do anything but wait and see what happens. Stop thinking about it._ Unsurprisingly, her mental pep talk hardly did anything to calm her fears and she felt her stomach tying itself further into the knot that had begun to form the minute the Inquisition rode into the Approach. She found herself abruptly craving Skyhold tea, which wasn't anything special but would've tasted like home to her and been a source of comfort.

"Shai?"

She turned towards Luis's voice, finding him looking at her indiscernibly. In her periphery she thought she saw him reaching out towards her, but a voice she could never, ever forget cut through the night at that exact moment.

"Inquisitor?"

Both she and Luis whipped around to find Cullen standing just behind them, hands resting customarily on the pommel of his hilt. In the dark Shai couldn't see much of his expression, but if she had to guess it was probably composed and giving nothing away.

"Commander," she greeted formally, allowing neither warmth nor cold to seep into her tone. She'd made the vow to herself she was done chasing what she couldn't have and she would be courteous but distant with him if nothing else. She found suddenly that she didn't have the energy to snarl at his appearance or glare or frown or otherwise show her inner feelings.

"Could we speak for a moment?" Cullen's eyes shifted to Luis. "Alone?"

Shai nodded stiffly after a beat and smiled briefly at Luis. "Thanks for the walk."

"Of course," he said and while he sounded amicable, the skin around his mouth was tight. His gaze seemed to implore that if she wasn't alright with being left alone with the Commander then she could say so and he would stay. Shai shook her head infinitesimally, trying to communicate that it wasn't her first choice of activity but that she would be fine. Whether he got the message or not she couldn't tell but with a small squeeze of her arm he departed, walking by Cullen just close enough to cause the barest ruffle to the Commander's fur mantle.

Then it was just two ex-lovers left standing no more than five feet from each other. Instead of avoiding each other's eyes, they held the other's gaze as if engaged in a silent battle of who would be the first to look away. Shai let her weight shift from both feet to just her left, jutting her hip out and crossing her arms in a simultaneous motion. Cullen took one step closer, his eyes flicking over her face and posture to derive her mood from her body language.

"Are you ready?" He finally asked softly.

Shai lifted one shoulder in a shrug and let it fall, teeth clamping together to keep from answering. She wanted to talk to him so badly; the urge ate at her. But she stubbornly clung to her opposition, not willing to give him the satisfaction of hearing her speak. In the heat of the moment she made up a rule that she would only ever address Cullen in the future when she absolutely had to. In the meantime she'd receive no small amount of satisfaction knowing he was watching her converse easily with others, and maybe in time he would come to crave the sound of her voice like a drowning man craves air and _that_ would be his burden to bear for how fully he'd spurned her over nothing.

"Are you...feeling okay?"

Again she let her shoulder lift and fall, this time biting her tongue to keep it from flopping about and forming words. She realized how awkward of a conversation she was making this for the Commander and she hoped to only twist the screws in a little tighter the longer he stood before her. She was suddenly in the mood for payback, in the mood to be as obstinate as possible just because he clearly thought he could come approach her--had the _right_ to approach her--after how he'd run from her in the war room when all she'd wanted to do was help.

The memory still caused her blood to boil because she'd been down on the floor with him, hands outstretched, face twisted into a mask of worry for his well being, and he'd pushed her aside. It had been embarrassing and such a slap in the face she'd spent a solid five minutes rooted to the spot long after Cullen had made his hasty exit. And he, the block head of the century, had no idea how it had felt. He'd only been concerned for himself, for not showing weakness or whatever macho complex went along with feigning health in the face of injury or sickness. 

Cullen exhaled roughly and a hand left the pommel of his sword to brush itself through his hair. Shai bit her lip as she followed the movement despite herself, remembering the last time she'd had her hands tangled in his hair. That had also been the last time she'd spent what felt like eternity breathing the same air as him as their mouths melded and their bodies pressed together. She shook her head sharply; she didn't need to be thinking that way now, especially with the way her body still responded. 

She shuffled her weight to the other hip, feeling the unmistakable dampness that had started to accumulate between her thighs thinking of past times with Cullen. The last thing she needed on the eve of Adamant's siege was to be laying awake in her tent until daybreak, frustrated and unfulfilled, too obstinate to take care of things by herself because that would be giving the Commander power.

"I know you don't want to talk to me right now--"

"You would be correct." She broke her impromptu vow of silence impulsively. Cullen blinked at her, maybe not expecting her to agree with him so readily.

"Or see me probably," he continued in so soft a voice it made Shai have to shuffle a little closer just to make out his words. "But...I wanted to... _needed_ to come talk to you and tell you--"

"I don't want to hear it," she interrupted him, resisting the urge to clap her hands to her ears and physically block any half-assed explanation he would give. "I don't want to hear anymore excuses, I don't want to have to think about what went wrong or whatever I apparently did that made you change your mind. I don't want to wonder why the fuck you thought you couldn't come talk to me or why you'd give me this coin,"--here she grabbed the small, circular metal still hanging around her neck on its leather thong-- "and then _still_ not want anything to do with me!"

Shai broke off mid-tirade, breathing heavily, a little shocked she'd revealed as much as she'd had. Her pride demanded that she didn't allow Cullen to see how badly he'd wounded her and here she'd gone laying bare every feeling he'd conjured with his sudden 180.

"I don't want to have anything to do with you...anymore," she finished on a steadier note, straightening her spine and staring the Commander dead in the eye. The night was too dark for her to see the play of emotions that scrolled across his face; shock, disbelief, pain, sorrow, hurt followed each other rapidly before falling away to forced composedness. Shai, not wanting to stick around for whatever it was Cullen would say to her next, if he decided to say anything at all, pushed past his still form and walked stiffly back to her tent.

She resisted the urge with every step to turn around and look back at him, though she was sure she felt the weight of his eyes boring into her back. It was done, it was officially over. She'd ended whatever fledgling relationship they'd had and she'd emancipated herself from the emotional turmoil she'd been thrust into. It should have felt good, she should have been skipping for joy at finally getting her feelings back under control and not losing anymore sleep over something that hadn't been true.

But instead she felt sick to her stomach and her chest felt constricted. She was a little shaky and her palms were cold and clammy as she pressed them to her face, feeling how warm her cheeks were from her impassioned outburst. She couldn't shed the niggling suspicion that she'd just done something wrong, that she hadn't given Cullen another chance, that she'd cut him off when he was about to say something important.

 _Yeah but he had all the time in the world to come to you and say something important. And he didn't, he ran away and he hid. He wouldn't even talk to you in the war room when he was literally caught red handed_. Shai grimaced. _Yeah but he was probably embarrassed. He's a private person, he hates to have his business aired_. She shook her head. _But it was to me! To me! Did he not fucking trust me?_

She reached her tent, thoughts still tumbling over each other like acrobats. She needed to sleep. She could escape there and put all this from her mind and then tomorrow would be spent preparing for the siege and she wouldn't have room to meditate on anything else besides battle strategies. She swept the flaps of her tent aside and stepped into the confines of her temporary lodging.

If she'd waited a moment more before entering, or decided maybe she could risk that glance over her shoulder, she would have seen that Cullen had followed behind her. That he stood frozen in place, hands fisted at his sides, caught between the urge to catch Shai before she could fully retreat from him and pore everything out to her, make her understand what had really happened, and the grim acceptance that he should let her go, that he'd clearly caused her enough heartache and should bow out of her life now before it could get worse, _if_ it could get worse.

But Shai hadn't waited a moment more and she hadn't looked over her shoulder, and so she missed what could have been.  


	45. Here Lies the Abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some quick notes here:  
> 1\. Trigger warning for violence because there will be some descriptions of war and the bloody mess that it is  
> 2\. The part I'm uploading today is only part of this chapter. I know, I know, cliff hangers suck but school has been overwhelming this semester and every time I think I have time to write, I have more homework to do. But I didn't wanna skip another update day so here's something to tide everyone over! Check back next Sunday for the complete chapter plus the next one after it :)  
> 3\. This quest is my least favorite quest out of all the main ones. Idk why, I just don't like it all that much. This is also contributing to me not having a full update because I want to make sure its still a decent chapter regardless of my personal feelings on the quest and I'm getting tired of rehashing it currently (love the name of it though). I will probably make edits to what I have so far once I throw the rest of the update up next Sunday (nothing major).  
> 4\. Yeah, we're gonna be doing a decent amount of POV jumping throughout so bear with me.  
> 5\. Finally thank you again to everyone leaving comments and coming back for updates, you guys keep me writing and I'm so sorry if my responses to your comments sound generic, I just have a hard time expressing with words how very thankful I am for your appreciation of this story <3

_Here lies the abyss, the well of all souls._

_From these emerald waters doth life begin anew._

_Come to me, child, and I shall embrace you._

_In my arms lies Eternity._

* * *

Smoke hung heavy in the night air, blocking out the moon and whatever stars there might have been. The wheels of trebuchets rumbled and creaked as the giant, wooden war machines were wheeled into an intimidating line. The feet of many soldiers stomped against the ground as they marched in companies, their armor, weapons, and shields clanking, anticipation thrumming through their veins. Appointed lieutenants shouted orders to their men, commanding them to ready themselves and fall into formation.

"RAISE SHIELDS!"

Immediately soldiers closed rank and hefted their shields up, creating a defensive wall against the flaming arrows flying from the battlements of Adamant. The enemy had struck their first blow, but the Inquisition would retaliate in kind.  

"FORWARD!"

The bellowing urged men onward. Weak-kneed recruits swallowed in mouths gone dry as seasoned veterans rolled their shoulders and narrowed their eyes, their blood pumping with adrenaline. They'd been training for weeks for this very moment. Everything their Commander and lieutenants had told them was for this moment, for this night after which some of them might never return back to Skyhold again.      

"READY! AIM! FIRE!"

The trebuchets launched as a unit, flaming rocks arcing towards Adamant. They connected with the battlements and beyond, sending enemy forces scattering in all directions as they struck; screams and yells of confusion and horror burst forth. A cry of triumph went up from the Inquisition; the siege had begun.

++++

The sound of an explosion made Shai leap to her feet, sending the stool she was formerly occupying flying. 

"What was that?"

" _That_ was probably our trebuchets making contact with Adamant," Cassandra explained calmly from where she stood, arms folded, across the tent from Shai. The Seeker, Sera, Bull, Stroud, Hawke, and Shai had been crammed into a burlap prison as they awaited orders from the front. A young recruit, really no more than a boy, had shown them to their current lodgings, a good fifty yards from the front lines. It was here they'd been left to wait until Cullen deigned to come back for them. At least, that was who Shai figured would be giving them the go ahead to enter Adamant. 

"I'm tired of friggin' waitin' around for Commander Pretty to decide we're needed," Sera whined, making a slashing motion with the arrow she held in one hand. 

"You and me both," Bull rumbled. "I need to hit something."

"I'd save it until we're in a bigger space if I were you." Hawke eyed the Qunari warily as if he expected the warrior to start swinging his giant, great axe around.

"I can't stand this!" Shai growled in frustration as another explosion rocketed through the air. Shouts were sounding outside of the tent but it was hard to tell whether they were of victory or impending defeat. "I'm going to go see what's happening."

"Inquisitor wait--"

Shai didn't bother heeding the Seeker's call to stay put. She pushed the tent flaps open and came face to face with Cullen. In fact, she'd left in such a rush that she very nearly rebounded off him. His arms were snapping out to steady her as she stumbled back, keeping her feet with some difficulty rather than accept his touch. Cullen withdrew his appendages back to his side jerkily, his eyes sliding around Shai to look at the tent and Cassandra's face newly poked through the opening.

"It's time," he said plainly. He'd removed his fur mantle; in its place was a cape that ended at the backs of the Commander's knees, its rich color and material befitting his station. Shai wondered when he'd had it made or if someone had insisted he wear it or if he'd had it all along and just had a passion for fur mantles and so didn't want to risk destroying that favored piece of clothing.

"Alright!" Came Bull's excited reply and in another second, Cassandra was being forced out of the tent to make way for the Qunari. "Now we get some action!"

"Commander, what's the plan?" Stroud asked as he exited the confines of the burlap. His face was drawn into a determined slate and for a second Shai tried to imagine the urgency he was feeling at what was awaiting them inside Adamant. She guessed it would be equatable to how she'd felt once upon a time so long ago in Redcliffe when she'd learned of the Mages being indentured to Alexius.

"Lieutenant Rylen is awaiting you with his platoon of men. They'll lead the way into Adamant and keep the initial wave of enemies off you." Cullen had started to briskly lead them towards the front lines and Shai adjusted her helm as she worked to keep up. The piece of steel encasing her head was the same piece she'd held in the portrait Josephine had tried and failed to have commissioned. The Helm of the Inquisitor--as Harritt had so named it--wildly restricted her peripheral vision. She could see straight ahead and a little to the side on both her left and right. Anything beyond that required a full turn of her head.

Still, it was comforting to know that she wouldn't die from a blow to the head, at least not right away. _Or an arrow to the neck_ , she thought morbidly, as the helm extended down until almost the top of her collarbones. It was a little heavier than what she was used to wearing--which was to say nothing at all besides the occasional shroud--but it would do. It would have to do actually, because the front lines of the siege were rising up in front of them and Shai's eyes were widening as she took in the state of things. 

Fire blazed everywhere. Smoke hung heavy in the air in thick, cloying clouds of black that made her nose burn with its acridity. Soldiers ran back and forth in all directions, yelling things to each other. The Inquisition trebuchets launched again with loud creaks and another half of Adamant's front walls crumbled in the wake of flaming projectiles. Cries of triumph went up after the strike, immediately followed by warnings to take cover.

Shai abruptly found herself whipped down to the ground, a strong arm around her waist. A thwack sounded as an arrow landed only a few feet from where she'd been standing. Her eyes bugged as she watched flames lick down the shaft and curl around the head. _That could have been you_ , she thought dazedly, staring at the ground that had opened up to receive the arrow.

Her next thought was directed at the arm around her that hadn't exactly let up and as she followed it from hand to elbow to shoulder, she recognized it as Cullen's. She cleared her throat and he let go immediately, pulling her to her feet with a mumbled apology. Shai jerked armor and clothing back into proper places, more to give herself something to do rather than meet the Commander's eye. She didn't want to suddenly unpack all the feelings his moment of heroics had caused to erupt within her.

Despite their conversation of the night before and the way it had sent her to bed with a heavy heart and mind, she hoped no harm would befall him. She had no desire to be victorious at Adamant only to learn the Commander had been grievously wounded or, worse, killed. All of a sudden it felt as if they had too much still between them that hadn't been put into words.

It felt like if she didn't spill her guts to him about how she still cared despite her best efforts, about how she hadn't really meant all of what she'd said the night before, then she would never get another chance. It felt like time was slipping through her fingers and she was powerless to grasp it and hold it still; it was a frightening thing to experience.

She felt like an exposed nerve at that moment; any and everything that would brush up against her or touch her would be overstimulating and overwhelming. She felt electric as the lightning she knew she'd be casting soon enough. She felt filled with energy and that she could run for miles without ever stopping. She swallowed roughly. Her stomach was in the process of doing continuous somersaults and her ears filled with a dull, distant ringing.

 _It was an arrow not a stampeding druffalo, calm down. Besides you've got enough armor on to outfit the entirety of the Inquisition, it probably would've been just a scratch_. Still, Cullen's actions had been so sudden it had felt more of an ingrained gesture rather than a reflex. Shai shook her head roughly. _Ridiculous_ , she chastised herself further. There was a battle to be fought--and hopefully won--and she needed to focus her attention on that, not Cullen.

"Our trebuchets are making quick work of the forces on the battlements but some of my lieutenants are taking their soldiers up with ladders to clear any survivors." Cullen was talking again, his head back in the game as he gestured towards the smoking stone making up Adamant's front walls. "I'll follow behind you with my own men and the rest of the Inquisitor's companions. We'll keep you from being flanked. With any luck, our reinforcements won't have to enter the fortress."

Shai was watching the Commander out of the corner of her eye. The majority of her focus, however, was on the giant battering ram Inquisition soldiers were swinging at Adamant's front doors. The crashing of wood on more wood echoed loudly, mixing with the steady battle chants arising from the fighting men and women. Shai watched the ram swing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until, with a might thunder, it cleared the way into Adamant.

There would have been cheers if there had been time for it. But as it was, Cullen was settling his own helm on his head--the steel shaped into the open maw of a lion--and calling orders to his men nearby.

"Rylen's just ahead!" The Commander pointed to his second-in-command who stood conferring with his chosen group of soldiers. "May the Maker watch over you all." Cullen's farewell stayed in Shai's ears as she and her group moved to rendezvous with Lieutenant Rylen. The former Templar greeted them with a sharp nod and a small twitch of his lips. 

"Alright men! Ye ken well enough your duty 'ere tonight. We lead the way, and we make those bastards inside pay. No one left behind, alright? I'll take point, on me!"

Something close to a "huzzah" went up from Rylen's men, but it was difficult for Shai to make out the exact word said. She let her curiosity fall away as her feet took her closer and closer to the shattered doors of Adamant. Ten yards from them, they broke into a sprint, weapons drawn and ready to meet foes.

++++

Cullen, watched Rylen disappear with the Inquisitor and her companions into the fortress. Immediately flashes of light signaled the casting of many spells. He tightened his grip on his sword; he was ready, his men were ready, they would be victorious. If he kept repeating that mantra to himself over and over, perhaps it would become true.

"Inquisition! On me!"

His platoon of soldiers yelled in response as he segued into motion, his legs carrying him past the jagged wood that had been Adamant's doors before the Inquisition's battering ram had met it. Inside was chaos. Wardens and demons were everywhere. Spells were flying in all directions from both sides. Adamant's small bailey was filled to bursting and there was hardly any room left between one person and the next let alone space to fight. But Cullen would make do and so would his men because they all understood it was Corypheus or them.

A nearby Warden turned his head and noticed the new arrivals, letting out a bellow and charging with his sword raised and poised to strike. Cullen drove his own sword through the approaching enemy, feeling it sink through skin then muscle then bone and gristle. The latter two gave up the most resistance and, as his weapon lodged firmly, the Warden reeled backwards, his screams reverberating off the inside of the helmet he wore. 

Cullen reached to pull his sword loose before he lost it permanently and the Warden clutched at the place between cuirass and pauldron where he'd been wounded. The Commander didn't spare his opponent anymore glances before turning to the next enemy and then the next after that. His limbs resorted to autopilot, functioning as if they had a mind of their own. They took him through parries and thrusts, through bashes and blocks with his shield. His legs bent as he ducked beneath sweeps of blades or blasts of magic. 

Sweat coursed down Cullen's face, stinging his eyes and running into his mouth; his tongue tasted nothing but salt and the smokiness of the air. It was even worse inside Adamant. He supposed it was probably due to different parts of the fortress being on fire thanks to the Inquisition's first round of assault. That and the fact the enemy had been sending flaming arrows down from the battlements upon their attacker's heads and a few still arced haphazardly through the air where they fought now as well. 

On the way in, Cullen had watched a soldier get an arrow through the neck. The young girl had gone down choking on the blood gushing forth to coat the front of her armor. Cullen had dropped to his knee beside her, his hands going to stem the bleeding. But by the time his fingers had wrapped themselves in a secure enough grip, it had been too late.The first enemy he'd dispatched once inside Adamant he'd dispatched for that young girl who was far too youthful to be embroiled in this bloody, cruel mess.

Cullen stumbled backwards with a grunt, bearing the brunt of another head on attack. He wondered briefly whether the Wardens, in their frenzied state, understood that brute force wasn't always the quickest way to overwhelm an enemy. But then again, it was working. He was slower to deflect a side sweeping sword and got a healthy rap across his armored ribs for his hesitation. He blinked and brought his shield to cover his exposed side, allowing himself a moment to regroup as the next blow came directly for his head.

A loud whizz cut through the air and the Warden halted jerkily, his hand dropping his sword and reflexively going to the exposed skin at the base of his neck. His fingers wrapped cautiously around the shaft of a crossbow bolt and the soldier dropped heavily. Cullen looked to his right with wonder to see Varric already turning back around to continue picking off enemies with his beloved Bianca. 

Around Cullen were the screams of the wounded and dying. He chanced a look behind him at a particularly inhuman sounding shriek and saw an Inquisition soldier holding the crimson stump of what was once a left hand. The man was staring wide eyed at his fingers gripping his shorn wrist, blood leaking past the appendages in alarming amounts. Cullen forced his way to the soldier who was paling more with every second and whose knees were buckling. He caught him awkwardly and lowered him the rest of the way to the ground, dropping his own weapons.

"Watch my back!" Cullen commanded. "Soldier? Watch my back!"

The man seemed to nod, which was good enough for the Commander, and he set to work tearing the man's sword belt from beneath the edges of his cuirass. After a few profuse curses on Cullen's part, the leather slid free and he grabbed the soldier's wounded arm.

"Let me see!" He said through gritted teeth as the soldier held on to his arm defensively. Cullen's hands worked quickly to wrap the leather around the man's forearm just above the wrist, cinching it tightly in a makeshift tourniquet.

"Renaud!"

A second soldier turned at his Commander's call, dispatching the demon he was fighting with ferocious ease.

"Commander!"

"Take this man back behind the front lines! Get him to the healers!"

"Yes Commander!"

Renaud grabbed the wounded soldier and hoisted him to his feet, half carrying the incapacitated party back through the broken doors of Adamant. Cullen gathered his sword and shield again, returning to the fight. His nostrils were clogged with the overwhelming, coppery scent of too much bloodshed. His heart was pumping furiously in his chest, adrenaline rocketing through his veins. He leapt forward and caught a demon mid strike before it could dispatch the dazed solider before it. 

++++

Shai was getting tired. She shouldn't have with the amount of adrenaline coursing through her body, but she was. Her head ached, her legs ached, her back ached, even her fingers ached from constant casting.

"Eat it! Eat it!"

"Next!"

"Maker take you!"

Her companions talked far louder than she would think them capable of being under constant attack. But then again, demons and deranged members of a previously non-problematic order weren't anything new to anyone in the Inquisition.

"Gah!" Shai cried out as something crashed into the back of her head and caused her to stumble forward. Her hands grabbed stone to steady herself. 

They were on the battlements now. The plan for Cullen's lieutenants to fight their way down and for Rylen's men to clear the way and for the Commander to follow shortly after had all gone to the Void in a matter of minutes. There were just too many enemies. It was chaos inside Adamant, too many people crowded into too little of a space. 

Time and time again Shai had found herself backed literally into a corner, burning the faces off any who got too close while she fought her way back into the general fray. It was absolute madness, unorganized, absolute madness. And bloody, very bloody.

She'd been watching men and women alike go down with great, gaping wounds jetting crimson liquid that spilled over the already muddied stone floors. She'd burned the skin off her fair share of enemies, swallowing down rising bile at the smell of smoking flesh. A dismembered arm had rolled beneath her feet at one point, the hand still clutching a sword. She'd stared at it as if from some great distance away, examining the clenched fingers, the jagged flesh midway through the forearm from where an enemy weapon had sliced through the appendage.

"Inquisitor!"

Shai's head jerked up at her title and her mouth fell open. A pride demon was mowing down all those in its path as it closed the distance between itself and her. Lightning crackled around the monstrous demon and its jaws yawned wide as a deep roar came from its mouth. 

"Of fucking course," she growled through clenched teeth. If there was one kind of demon she hated more than the rest--but not quite as much as she hated the teleporting terrors--it was pride demons, giant boulders of impenetrable armor, immune to any of her lightning spells that usually never failed to send enemies sprinting in fear. 

She coaxed her significantly depleted mana into some semblance of a spell, feeling frost coat her fingertips as she prepared to launch something cold into the pride demon's face. However, someone else beat her to it as flames smacked into the side of the creature's head and all of its glowing, green eyes turned to focus on its attacker. 

"Come here you ugly bastard!" 

Shai recognized the Champion's voice and indeed Hawke was curling his hand around another sinisterly glowing ball of flames, arm coiled and ready to let it fly. Stroud and Cassandra were charging the legs of the pride demon, a length of rope held between both warriors. Shai's brows furrowed in confusion as she cloaked them in a barrier, wondering what it was they were doing until she watched the them duck beneath the demon's sweeping claws and hook the rope around its ankles. 

Cassandra and Stroud switched directions once behind the creature and ran towards each other, criss crossing. They turned, anchored their feet in place, and both held tight to their ropes as they pulled it taut. The demon tried to take a step forward, over balanced, and crashed to the ground with a collision that sent reverberations sweeping up Shai's legs. 

"This ones mine!" 

Iron Bull sprang through the air, his battle axe poised menacingly above his head. The Qunari brought it down with a mighty swing, the blade embedding itself in the pride demon's exposed neck. The demon bellowed in pain as black blood oozed from its massive wound and tried to swipe at Bull. But the warrior stepped clear as the Seeker darted forward, light bursting forth from her body as she brought the Wrath of Heaven down upon her enemy.  It was over as fast as it had begun; the pride demon laying motionless with rope still tangled around its legs. 

"We should keep moving!" Stroud barked before he wiped his mouth on the back of his gauntleted hand. "If there are more of my brothers and sisters who will aid us, we must find them before they are killed. We'll need all the help we can get when we find Clarel."

Shai nodded and looked to the opposite end of the battlements. A wooden ramp seemed to lead back into the inner parts of Adamant and she gestured with her staff that that was where they should head. Before reaching the battlements they'd encountered a small group of Wardens who had hesitated to attack. Before any blood could be shed, Stroud had stepped forward and urged them to surrender, to fight against the corruption in their ranks. 

That particular speech had taken the count of the Inquisition's enemies down by five, although Shai doubted others could be so easily persuaded. The Wardens encountered had either been some of the good ones left or had been loathe to engage in anymore fighting as some of them were sagging noticeably beneath the weight of their armor. Either way, they were less people to be fought. 

"Shall we? Before more of these fuckers show up?" Hawke jerked his head towards the wooden ramp, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. For the moment the path ahead was clear thought fighting still raged on from other parts of Adamant. Stroud led the way as he'd been doing the majority of the time. It felt weird to Shai to be following someone else through something as crucial as this siege, so used was she to being front and foremost in every endeavor. 

But she knew Stroud was burning on the inside with fervor to put an end to the evil here tonight and so she let him take point. 

"Anyone else keeping score?" Hawke asked as they walked, brushing sweat soaked hair from his eyes.

"Ah, I think I'm at about thirty by now," the Iron Bull answered. The Champion made a noise in the back of his throat. 

"Impressive, but I think I'm at forty."

"You can't lie," Bull scoffed. Hawke shrugged. 

"I can't help it if I'm good at what I do. I'm surprised you don't just put your head down and run. You could probably get five at a time doing that."

"Tried that once. Bastards got stuck and were screaming at me for the rest of the fight."

"Now there's a sight to see!" Hawke chuckled, eyeing Bull's horns speculatively. 

The wooden ramp they ascended took them into an inner room before Stroud pushed wide a door at one end and led them back out onto another series of battlements. Two despair demons and a second pride demon were dispatching a last few Inquisition soldiers while a Warden Spellbinder provided reinforcement to his hellish comrades.

"The fun never ends, does it?" Hawke asked as he readied his staff. _No it doesn't, not for me at least_ , Shai answered mentally before following her companions into battle.

++++

"Rylen!"

"Commander!"

The two men clasped arms in a more intimate salute. Cullen felt a wave of relief roll over him that his second-in-command was still standing with more than half of the men he'd entered Adamant with. Cullen's own group had suffered a few casualties and were now six soldiers lighter, but they'd cleared the lower bailey and had rendezvoused in the main one. 

Cullen had lost sight of the Inquisitor long ago. She and her team had forged ahead, clearing a path where one hadn't previously existed. He'd been seeing Shai and friends' handiwork as he'd led his men in their wake. Crumpled Warden bodies were everywhere and demons lay in dark pools of blood, or whatever came leaking out of them. Cullen wasn't entirely sure it was blood; blood would be too human for them.

"Have you seen Garrick, Marden, Brighton, or Maeve?"

"No ser. I ken they were supposed to be clearin' their way down from the battlements but--"

"Commander!"

Cullen and Rylen both turned to see Lieutenant Garrick coming towards them covered in a fair share of blood. From beneath his helm, piercing blue eyes stared out of a soot darkened face. He was grim, his lips pulled in a tight line. Garrick saluted once he drew closer, his men--or what was left of them--fanning out behind their squad leader. Some clasped arms with fellow comrades who had been within Cullen's or Rylen's groups. Others helped settle the wounded onto the ground comfortably. 

"Where're the rest?" Cullen asked with a frown, raising his voice to be heard above the dim sound of continued fighting coming from other parts of the fortress. 

"I dunno, ser. I thought I'd be the last one down..."

Cullen swore and directed his eyes past Garrick to the way the Lieutenant had come. No matter how hard the Commander stared, the other three lieutenants who'd scaled the walls of Adamant didn't magically appear. His jaw worked in consternation as he realized they might be down a serious portion of soldiers. That was, unless the other three had been waylaid. _But then Garrick wouldn't be here_.

It wasn't as if the assault on the battlements had come from different sides of the fortress. All of Cullen's lieutenants had gone up the front wall, massing together in one, giant wave of soldiers. So if only one had managed to be seen again thus far...it didn't look good.

"Your orders, Commander?" Rylen was looking at him, ready to spring into action. Cullen took a deep breath and let it out slowly. They would have to be more strategic now. They couldn't afford many more casualties. But at the same time, there wasn't obstinate proof that his missing Lieutenants could be classified as casualties just yet.

"Lieutenant Garrick?"

"Yes ser?"

"Do you have enough men standing to hold this bailey?"

Garrick snapped a salute. "Yes Commander." 

Cullen grunted affirmatively with a nod, and looked to Rylen. "You take your soldiers who can still fight. Go up to the battlements and provide reinforcement. Maker willing there are still Inquisition soldiers to give reinforcement to."

Rylen saluted with a low "aye".

"Soldiers,"--Cullen turned to those faces who belonged under his direct supervision for the duration of the siege--"We're going after the Inquisitor. Ready yourselves. Any wounded stay here with Lieutenant Garrick. Madame de Fer? Would you be so kind as to stay as well and provide healing?"

"But of course," the loyalist Mage said as she slid her staff onto her back and wove her way to the stacks of beams and crates in the main bailey that were serving as impromptu rests for the grievously wounded.  

"Hope Flash hasn't got herself in too much of a jam now," Varric said far too jokingly for the situation. 

"The Commander certainly wouldn't like that," Dorian put in unhelpfully--but thankfully lowly--and Cullen pretended he hadn't heard the Tevinter Mage.

He didn't have time for innuendos or for thoughts of what Dorian alluded to. He had time for action and that was all. Blackwall was standing patiently next to him, ready to stay more or less by his side as they went on. The Grey Warden had been particularly stoic on this night and Cullen understood the reason for the older man's lack of emotion. 

He himself had spent time learning how to tamp down his feelings on a personal matter and set them aside for later. Emotions could get someone killed and they had no place until the business was done. And right now that business was finding Shai because Cullen had a nagging feeling that whatever lay for her at the heart of Adamant was going to make the happenings at Halamshiral look insignificant in severity. 

++++ 

Stroud pushed through a large, ornate door and stopped dead. Shai collided readily with his back, bouncing off his armor. Hawke caught her awkwardly, barely keeping himself upright. The breath went out of them both in a giant whoosh as Bull, unable to slow his momentum, crashed into the Mage. Shai steadied herself against Stroud as a string of curses came from over her shoulder. Loudest of them all were the ones out of Sera's mouth as she lamented crashing into the "arse end" of the Qunari.  

But Shai wasn't really listening to her companions. Her eyes, like Stroud's, were fixed on the company of Wardens occupying the courtyard they'd entered. They were half-circled around a dark cloud with snippets of ethereal, fade light and Shai had a sinking feeling she knew where that was going. 

"Wardens!" A female voice called out, commanding the attention of everyone. "We are betrayed by the very world we have sworn to protect."

"Clarel," Stroud nearly whispered, but his voice was harsh and filled with something that sounded a lot like betrayal.

"Erimond," Shai growled as she caught sight of the person standing next to the Warden-Commander. The Corypheus loyalist grasped Clarel's arm and pulled her aside from the parapet they stood on. Shai watched some words get exchanged complete with barely controlled gesturing.

"We should strike now while they're distracted," Cassandra advised from somewhere behind Shai.

"No," Stroud said. "Some of those Wardens might still be willing to aid us. We cannot massacre them."

"They're standing with the demons," Hawke said lowly as he padded to stand next to Stroud. "They've made their decision."

"Wait," Shai ordered as a third person appeared alongside Clarel and Erimond. The newcomer was an aged Warden, his whitened hair clear even at a distance. He genuflected before Clarel who turned to face him, her back now to the Wardens and demons waiting for direction. The old Warden stood suddenly as Clarel circled around behind him. Shai tensed, knowing what was going to happen even before Clarel produced a flashing dagger and drew it across the man's throat.

"No!" Stroud leapt forward and lead the charge, Shai and Hawke following close behind. Erimond and Clarel both turned at the outburst, as did their waiting minions.

"Stop them!" Erimond shouted, pointing a gloved finger. "We must complete the ritual!"

Instantly the Wardens turned hostile. Stroud drew up short at the many swords that faced him. Shai's staff sparked with magic as she prepared to defend her ally and she promptly cast a barrier over her and all her companions. When the Wardens failed to initiate an attack Shai let her muscles relax, but only slightly. Her narrowed eyes still swept over their ranks and watched closely for any sudden movement. When none came, her brow furrowed. 

"Why aren't they attacking?" Sera whispered, although her lowered voice was still loud enough to be heard by most. 

"Clarel!" Stroud called out, stepping forward with both hands held palm out in a supplicating gesture. "What are you doing? How could you participate in this madness? Blood magic? Sacrifice? How could this help the Wardens?"

"End it now!" Shai heard herself chime in. 

"Then the Blight rises with no Wardens left to stop it, and the whole world dies. Is that what you want?" Erimond asked grandiosely, his arms sweeping wide to encompass the courtyard they'd finally come face-to-face within.  

"No, but I know exactly what you want," Shai challenged. "You want the world to fall so that you and the other Magisters can be--how did you put it at that ritual tower-- oh yeah, gods here on earth."

Shai could hear Erimond scoff across the space between them. "Base speculation. I want to _help_ the Wardens."

"Yeah, help them right into oblivion," Sera spat angrily. "Killing them just 'cuz." 

"I never expected the Inquisition to understand what had to be done. It seems to me your totalitarian organization is made entirely of small minded people. Yes, the ritual requires blood sacrifice. Hate me for that if you must, but do not hate the Wardens for doing their duty."

"We make the sacrifices no one else will," Clarel stated vehemently. "Our warriors die proudly for a world that will never thank them."

"And then your Tevinter ally binds the Mages to Corypheus!" Stroud argued. 

There was a moment of disquiet during which Clarel turned to Erimond, skepticism and confusion writ large on her face. 

"These people will say anything to shake your confidence, Clarel," Corypheus's lackey said, raising his voice loudly enough for Shai's benefits. "They don't want the Wardens to succeed!"

"You lie, Corypheus is dead!" The Warden Commander stated to Stroud as she turned from Erimond. But she sounded unsure now that the Magister's name had been brought into the conversation with such vehemence.

"No, he's very much alive. I've seen him up close and personal," Shai said drily, growing more on edge the longer the Wardens hesitated in their attack. Some even appeared to glance at each other as if in indecision.

"Why lay siege to Adamant without a good reason?" Stroud contested. "Why stop something that would help the world? I still wear the Warden armor after all"--he gestured sharply to his cuirass--"I would _still_ only want what was best for my order."

"You want what's best for the Inquisition," Erimond said, waving his hand dismissively. "You've joined forces with the Inquisitor and now you're on their side."

"What's best for the Inquisition is also what's best for the Wardens!" Stroud fired back, unwilling to be defeated. Erimond made a particularly loud noise of disbelief and faced Clarel once more, his hands going out to latch onto her biceps in supplication. 

"Clarel please. We both know that what we must do is hard. But think of the future of the Wardens! Think how the world will remember the fearless Warden-Commander who helped her order even when faced with adversity."

Clarel looked into the Mage's face and then to the courtyard below the parapet on which she stood. Her eyes swept over her forces then lifted to the swirling cloud of black and green, which had begun to crackle with electricity. Finally, her scrutiny fell upon Stroud and held there briefly before moving to Shai. Not looking away, the Warden-Commander narrowed her eyes.

"Bring it through," she said, just the barest tremor in her convicted tone.

Shai took an involuntary step backwards as the the battalion of Wardens advanced while their ranks of Mages threw their hands towards the roiling cloud in the midst of the courtyard. The Fade's sickly green light enveloped the Mages' arms with its sinister energy.  

"Took them long enough," Bull grumbled. Just as she was preparing to throw a wall of flames between her friends and the approaching enemies, Hawke stepped in between both sides, his voice ringing out with urgency. 

"Please! I have seen more than my share of blood magic! It is never worth the cost!"

"I trained half of you myself!" Stroud pleaded, his brows drawn low over his eyes. "Do not make me kill you to stop this madness!"

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

Something pulled Shai's attention to the exact spot that must have been causing Sera to swear so vociferously. The dark cloud had completely dissipated leaving in its wake a bleeding entrance to the Fade. Looking into that ethereal world, Shai caught something large shifting just beyond their world. She mumbled a low curse to herself. Erimond was once more saying something too low to Clarely for them to hear and they all waited with baited breath for the outcome of the past couple minutes.

"Listen to me!" Shai addressed the Wardens, thinking it was a fair assumption that some of the order could be persuaded to abandon a sinking ship. "I have no desire to fight any of you! We've been sparing what Wardens we could! But we cannot allow you to go through with this. Surrender now and I can promise no harm will come to those who go peacefully." 

The tensest second of Shai's life stretched on for what seemed like eons. She watched Wardens sneak more suspicious glances at each other. Some wore grim expressions and were clearly beyond reach, but there was a relieving amount that seemed caught with one leg on either side. 

"Some of you are being used and you know it, don't you?" Stroud took a step forward, his hands positioned with palms up in a show of peace.

"The Mages who've done the ritual aren't right anymore! Now they're like puppets on a string!" One Warden called out abruptly. He immediately shrank away from his comrades, looking like a fennec caught in the midst of mabaris.

"You cannot let fear sway your mind, Warden Chernoff!" Clarel reprimanded. 

"He's not afraid!" Hawke called out. "You are. You're afraid that you ordered all these brave men and women to die for nothing."

"I know your bravery brothers and sisters," Stroud continued. "But this is not the way. You have been tricked."

A massive shift when through the air as the Wardens straightened from battle ready crouches, their eyes sweeping left and right as they looked to each other in the mass indecisiveness. Shai held her breath and waited as murmurs filled the courtyard. 

"My master thought you might come here Inquisitor!" 

Shai's head whipped to Erimond who had stepped in front of Clare, the Warden-Commander shunted to the background. "He sent me this to welcome you!"

An ear wrenching shriek lanced through the night air and Shai winced as the pitch assaulted her ear drums. She knew that noise. She'd doubt she'd ever forget it long as she lived. It was a sound that immediately brought back thoughts of another place half on fire, of innocent people running from the chaos that came from all directions, of the moment she'd discovered that closing the Breach had been the least of her worries. It brought fear and panic, dread and blood shed with it. 

"Look out!"

Her periphery turned shockingly red and Shai's feet were gusted out from under her as half the courtyard exploded in crimson lightning. She slammed into the cobblestone ground, skidding a bit with her momentum. Her head bounced painfully off the hard ground and she had to blink a few times before her vision steadied itself. _Just like Haven, just like Haven, just like Haven..._

"Inquisitor!" 

A strong hand gripped her forearm and hauled Shai back upright. The Seeker stood with soot streaks covering parts of her face. Sweat was coursing down the other woman's temples and her jaw was set tightly. 

"Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine, where did that thing g--"

A shockwave went through the courtyard and both Shai and Cassandra stumbled where they stood, using each other's shoulders to keep themselves standing. Corypheus's shadowy, black dragon had landed on a tower and now the creature showed its teeth and let loose another ear-splitting roar.

"Argh!"

A sharp cry of surprise went up, followed by a loud slam and Shai saw Erimond fly from one side of the parapet to the other, his back cracking sharply against a balustrade. He rolled from his stomach to his side, his movements slowed and filled with pain. He raised one hand towards Clarel who's fist was crackling with the purple energy that was known as electricity.

But instead of finishing of the Corypheus servant, Clarel turned towards the dragon and shot her charge straight towards its face. The winged-beast reared on its hind legs as the electricity struck it full in the chest. But instead of taking flight as Shai half expected it to, the dragon brought its neck snapping forward and returned the intended fatal blow.

Clarel was shot backwards as Erimond regained his feet with the help of his staff. He wasted no time in staggering past the fallen Warden-Commander, his movements jerky in his injury. Clarel was climbing to her feet unsteadily as the tail end of Erimond's white robes whipped around a back corner of the parapet and out of sight.

"Help the Inquisitor!" Clarel yelled as a parting order and took off after the man who had caused her to go to such extreme depths.

Shai's fingers flexed around her staff and she twirled it reflexively through her right hand. The fade rift, having been swelling up until this point, burst open with a loud crack as if on cue. Immediately a pride demon materialized in the courtyard, its mouth open and waiting.

++++

Cullen had hoped never to hear the sound he did as he and his men tried their best to find the center of Adamant. Indeed, he readily hoped his eyes were playing tricks on him as he looked at the dark sky and saw the winged beast from Haven cutting through the air. The creature's great, black, leathery wings beat magnanimous gusts of air down on the forces still fighting and Cullen's face was buffeted with wind. 

He screwed his eyes shut until the blast of air was past. He and his soldiers were making quick work of the sporadic enemies they'd been encountering. He figured a lot of the stragglers they encountered were coming from other parts of the fortress. He doubted that the entirety of Adamant had been left unguarded in the favor of arming the minor parts the Inquisition had traversed. 

"What is that thing?"

"Its from Haven!"

"A dragon?!"

"Oh Maker no!"

His soldiers reacted in large to Corypheus's beast. The harbinger of destruction let loose a blast of red light that was blinding in its intensity even from the distance Cullen was at. He hoped instantly that Shai was not standing anywhere in that creatures path and then the wheels of his mind started churning and he realized that was probably exactly where she was. The creature had, after all, appeared far too suddenly for anything besides a summoning. 

It had probably been waiting nearby, lying in wait. It certainly wasn't a weapon Cullen himself would hold back until the final stages of the battle. He would have cleared enemies away in vast quantities with that thing before they could ever pose a real threat. 

"Commander? Where to now?"

Cullen looked to the woman standing next to him. Her face was filled with lines and she looked a little old to still be lifting a sword in battle, but then who was he to reject a willing soldier.

"Now, we follow that beast. If anything the Inquisitor is there. Move out!"

His men followed behind as Commander once again led the way. The fighting had died down largely and walking through Adamant felt a lot like walking through Therinfal on that one fateful day so long ago. Everywhere he looked there was blood and bodies an no culprit to be seen for the carnage. Then he figured that the culprits were either with him, Rylen, Shai, or the other Lieutenants and, that if they weren't, then they were likely joined in death with their opponents.

His foot accidentally nudged a Warden laying face down and the armored body groaned feebly. Cullen immediately pulled up short and directed two of his men to turn the Warden over. The soldier wore a dented, winged helm coated across the front with blood. Their chest plate had been smashed in as if by a war hammer, and shards of steel were embedded in the rawness of the soldier's flesh. They wouldn't make it, whoever they were under that helm, and Cullen's lips tightened as he watched a thin stream of fresh blood leak from the doomed soldier's wound.

"What shall we do with them sir?" One of the men holding the Warden up asked. Cullen shook his head and stared fixedly down the way ahead of them. He couldn't, in good conscious, leave the person to die. They were clearly bleeding out. It could be another few hours before they met the Maker and were relieved of their suffering. Even though the Warden was his enemy in the siege, Cullen couldn't justify leaving the soldier to gasp away their last moments of life wearing a suffocating helmet and surrounded by their dead comrades.

"Take their helm off," he ordered lowly. The winged steel was removed and a bounty of sweat laden hair popped out, topping the head of a girl who couldn't have been any older than Shai. 

"What's your name, soldier?" Cullen asked calmly. The girl tried to say something but blood bubbled up over her lips and she broke off as she coughed the crimson liquid out of her mouth.

"Sara," the Warden finally wheezed, although the two syllable name seemed to take all her effort to say. Cullen held up his hand sympathetically as Sara tried to say something else. He was no anatomist but he could tell that talking was injuring the girl further or at least wearing her out much faster than it should. Another stream of blood welled up and spilled forth from the girl's shattered chest plate.

He heard some sharp inhales behind him as his soldiers eyed the damage and silently he hoped none of them were stupid enough to say anything. The Warden had yet to look down at what had become of her body and Cullen couldn't tell if she was in shock or already knew the damage to be fatal. He suddenly wished he hadn't commanded Vivienne to stay behind, although he knew her magic would be next to useless in this case. She'd been unable to do anything for Rhys and the Warden's injury was far bigger than the arrow wound the Inquisitor's friend had fallen from.

He looked at his two soldiers still holding the Warden up and then at the ones standing behind him. He was at a crossroads and he had a decision to make. He could either command his men to walk on and leave the Warden Sara behind or he could hold up his entire squadron waiting for the girl to draw her last breath. And in the mean time, Shai would be facing down that horrible beast if, in fact, that was where she was.

Another piercing shriek decided the Commander's path of action. He directed the two soldiers with the fatally wounded Warden to take her as carefully as possible back to Madame de Fer. There was nothing to be done except maybe make the girl comfortable, but he wanted his men to be able to put the girl somewhere safe before rejoining the rest of their comrades.

As his soldiers moved slowly away with the Warden carried painstakingly carefully between them, little gasps of pain coming from Sara's lips, Cullen took the remainer of his squadron on ahead. The aftershocks of a great explosion rocketed through Adamant and, without thinking, Cullen broke into a run. That hadn't sounded good and he would bet all his material possessions that that demon dragon was going to make short work of whatever unfortunate souls were in its path. _Please don't let that be Shai_ , he begged silently as he rounded a corner, his men close behind. _Please don't let that be Shai_.

A couple more turns and a large, ornate door lay open before him. He burst through its opening into a courtyard. In the center was a green rip in the air, an entrance to the Fade. 

"Stop whatever comes through!" Cullen yelled as he unsheathed his sword and readied his shield. He didn't realize they weren't alone in the courtyard until a Warden ran up to him, their armor dented and dirtied. 

"Please! We surrender sir! The Inquisitor said no harm would come to us!" 

"Identify yourself, soldier," Cullen demanded, not putting his sword away just yet. 

"Warden Chernoff, sir." Chernoff genuflected before Cullen, his hands shaking slightly as he rapped a fist against his chest in salute. "The Inquisitor spared our lives for our cooperation. I--we--are extremely grateful and in her debt."

"Where is the Inquisitor now?" Cullen asked, raising a hand to tell his soldiers to standby.

"She went after Warden-Commander Clarel, sir. They went that wa--"

"Secure the area!" Cullen interrupted as he turned to his men. He singled out the Inquisitor's companions, grabbing Varric, Dorian, Blackwall, Cole, and--regrettably--Luis Madrigal. "Solas, stay here with the others and make sure that thing doesn't open up."

The elf nodded mutely and glided past them to go to the twisting portal into the Fade. His pale skin was at once bathed in green light and it created an eerie sight as he stood statue still before the giant portal.

"Let's go." Cullen started towards the stairs that Warden Chernoff had pointed at. "You and your men will not be harmed," the Commander threw back over his shoulder almost as an afterthought.

Chernoff's face split into a relieved expression and the man nodded hurriedly, regaining his feet as he still knelt upon the ground. Cullen took the stairs two at a time, his brows drawn down in concentration. He and the rest came out onto more battlements, a few demons laying crumpled on the stone flooring.

"Shit," Cullen mumbled as he continued his trajectory forward. They passed more demons but Cullen hardly paid them any mind. He skidded around the far end of the battlements and came to another bank of steps.

"Oh great, more stairs," Varric lamented as they all started to climb once more. Cullen's legs were starting to burn with exertion but he kept going. He lead them onward, his boots striking sharply against the stone flooring as he ran. He turned a final corner and skidded to an abrupt halt. Corypheus's dragon had its back to them, its clawed feet rapping against the stone as it walked, no, stalked towards the Inquisitor. 

He couldn't see Shai's expression from this distance, hidden as it was by her helm, but he could read her body language as she backed away from the dragon cautiously, her companions, Stroud, and Hawke behind her. Cullen felt the blood drain from his face and his stomach clench. A cold sweat of fear broke out across his skin as he tried to think what to do. The dragon was pushing Shai towards the edge of the platform on which they all stood. There was nowhere for her to run except straight towards the monster.

Cullen cursed as he tried to draw together a plan quickly. If he attacked, there was a chance they'd all get turned to ash for his efforts. But it was either that or do nothing and he couldn't watch Shai get pushed off the ledge without some sort of fight. He was preparing to give the order to charge when the dragon leapt forward, ready to deliver what had to be a killing blow.

Cullen's lips froze around the word "no" and he lunged ahead to do what, he didn't know only that he had to do _something_. Then a blast of electricity intercepted Corypheus's beast and sent the creature crashing into the ground. It skidded past Shai and off the edge of the platform, its open jaws letting out a shriek as its claws failed to find purchase against the stone floor to stop its momentum. 

The dragon took a quarter of the platform with it as it disappeared from sight. _Well that's taken care of_ , Cullen thought with some relief. However, that feeling evaporated as a mighty shake surged through the floor, almost sending him to his knees as he staggered trying to keep his balance.

"We need to get back!" Blackwall's deep voice called and Cullen's eyes bugged as he looked at the now disintegrating platform.

Pieces of it were dropping away at an alarming rate. Shai and the companions with her were running for their lives, falling down in the unstable conditions before springing back to their feet. For a moment it looked like they might make it, they were so close to stable ground. But then the platform snapped in half and Cullen's heart stopped as he watched Shai spiral out of view, her shout of surprise echoing long after she was gone from his sight.

++++ 

"R-R-Rhys?"

Shai was the first to regain her feet and stare directly at the glowing figure before them. She had shielded her eyes initially against the bright light, squinting to make out any sort of features. And then the figure had spoken and she'd fallen back a few steps in shock. 

"It can't be," she whispered, her voice hoarse and disbelieving. 

"Hello Shailene." 

"There's no way."

"Its really me, I promise. Well, not really, really since I'm not alive but you get my point."

Rhys's voice sounded just as she remembered it and as he moved--no, more like floated--closer to her, she could make out his familiar face, albeit it lacked some order and seemed to shift before her very eyes. Shai resisted the urge to reach out and touch Rhys to make sure she wasn't just hallucinating this whole reunion. But then again, she could have been. She couldn't believe any of this was happening.

One minute they'd been watching Clarel single handedly take down Erimond and the next, Corypheus's monstrous pet had dragged them down with it into the black night. Her body was still filled with the feeling of falling into nothingness and her throat ached with the ear splitting scream she'd let lose when the ground collapsed from beneath her feet. She'd believed, for a half-second, that she and her team were going to make it to safety, that they were going to close the distance between themselves and solid ground in the nick of time. 

But then a giant cavern had opened in the stone before her and her stomach had dropped unpleasantly as air opened up to swallow her. The last thing she'd seen was Cullen, and the other half of her companions fanned out behind him, their eyes wide with horror. Instinctively she'd reached out for help as if any one of them could have easily caught her and prevented her fall. A shocked and frightened cry had erupted from her chest when she'd dropped away from them as she and her team plummeted into the abyss.

Subsequently here they were in the Fade. At least, Shai had a gut feeling that was where they were. If only she could have remembered what it looked like the last time she'd been in it, that would have been helpful. Considering what she'd been through so far, if it was indeed the Fade, it shouldn't have been as big a shock as it was. She'd faced down a crazed God-Magister at Haven, missed a near slip into the destroyed future at Redcliffe, and been drug into the lair of the Envy demon at Therinfal. The Fade should have been a piece of cake; it was and it wasn't all at once.

Shai still didn't know how she'd gotten herself and her team here. She'd been falling and panicking at what she'd hit at the end of her fall and then the mark had sparked to life and she'd thrown her arm out without thinking. There had been a brilliant flash of green light and in the next second she'd been saved from slamming into the ground by a hairsbreadth and was instead ascending through the air. That was until she'd reached out and touched something and then the illusion had been broken and she'd thumped into hard earth, completely disconcerted about how up had suddenly switched places with down. 

And now there was Rhys watching her calmly, his body shimmering and shifting with the light encasing it. Shai closed her eyes, opened them, screwed them shut again, and lifted her lids once more. Rhys stayed put. He didn't wink out of his sudden existence or even morph into anything different. He continued on floating a few feet before her, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. 

"Are you...a ghost?" Shai finally ventured, her voice low. She wondered why her team hadn't made any sounds of exclamation yet at Rhys's appearance but she was so riveted to where he levitated just above the ground that she couldn't tear her gaze from him. He snorted, the sound echoing.

"Hardly."

"So...you're really here then?" she asked with a frown.

He didn't _look_ as if he were really here. He looked as if he could blink out of existence at any second. Rhys shrugged or, at least, she thought he did. She couldn't be sure with all the light.  

"If I were to sit you down and explain every little thing about how this is possible, you'd never get out of here. And right now, that's what I need you to do."

"Well believe me, I don't exactly want to hang out here," she retorted drily. "And I don't think anyone else does either. Right guys? Guys...?"

Shai looked over her shoulder and her mouth dropped open as she saw nothing but empty space behind her. She whirled left then right, turning in a complete circle, her eyes searching wildly.

"Where is everyone?! They fell with me! I saw them fall! I--"

"They're here," Rhys assured quietly. "They're just not with you. Not everyone sees the Fade in the same way."

"So--so what? So maybe they're seeing some nice, green meadow with lots of flowers and I'm getting whatever this is?!" Shai threw her arm out to encompass the dark, fire and brimstone surroundings. Her mark flared at her sudden spark in temper. "And could you turn down the glowing?! Its not helping!"

Immediately the light surrounding Rhys's form went out and he stood as he'd looked the night of the Winter Palace, not a mark of the fate that had befallen him on his white, dress jacket. Shai drew in a sharp breath and felt tears prick the backs of her eyes. He looked _alive_. He looked so solid, so completely _there_. If she ignored her surroundings she could almost pretend she and he were back before anything had happened. Her chest constricted as ache filled it and she ducked her head, feeling the first tear trickle down her cheek.

"Hey, Shailene?"

She didn't feel his hand touch her shoulder. It was only when she looked back at him that she realized he was making contact with her at all. She stared at his fingers where they curved onto her back and tried to feel the physical connection. But there was none to be found and she squeezed her eyes shut as a fresh well of wetness leaked onto the tops of her cheeks. She shouldn't have asked him to stop glowing. This was far harder seeing him as he'd been for her than seeing him as some ethereal being. 

"I need to find the others," she said shakily and stepped away from Rhys. His hand hung in midair before he lowered it to his side, an unreadable expression on his face. "We have to get back...wherever back is."

"There," Rhys said and Shai followed where his finger pointed to a swirling hole in what served as the sky in the Fade. It was a distance from them and Shai gritted her teeth at the fact that of course everything she went through had to be difficult. Fate would be far too kind if it put the exit from this empty dimension right next to her. 

"So we start walking," she mumbled and started forward. Rhys kept pace with her although his footsteps, unlike hers, made no noise against the stony ground. She brushed a hand across her eyes to remove any traces of tears for the salt was starting to make her eyes itch. Wherever the rest of her team was, she hoped they were safe.

++++

The surprised shrieks of Corypheus's dragon. 

Shai shouting. 

Her team shouting. 

The sound of stone cracking.

The sickening lurch of his own stomach as he watched a quarter of the platform drop away. 

The paralyzing feeling of watching a certain death followed by a brief, heart stopping moment of hope that it wouldn't come to pass. 

And finally the echoes of Shai's cry as she and her team were swallowed by the abyss, the sound reverberating long after she'd fallen from sight. 

These were all emotions and events Cullen hoped he would never have to feel or experience again. And he knew, with a bitter taste in his mouth and a heaviness in his heart, that he would get that wish. Shai was gone. But this time, she wasn't just gone, she was dead. She was most certainly dead because he'd looked cautiously over the edge of the broken platform after running to where she'd been only seconds prior and there had been nothing there. It was dark for as far as he could see. No matter how hard he squinted and strained his eyes he couldn't make anything out. No matter how loud he shouted into the abyss, hoping for a human voice to answer him and miraculously say the fall had been survived, he didn't get a reply.

Shai was dead, she wasn't coming back.

++++

"Yuck!"

Shai pulled her foot out of a pool of liquid that was much too thick and green to be called water. She stared at her boot expecting to feel the wetness permeate the leather at any moment, but it never happened. Instead the liquid evaporated almost instantly, sliding off the leather in smoking tendrils as if by magic.

"Um..."

"Yeah, laws of physics aren't too big here, love."

"This place is a giant mind fuck," Shai mused lowly, her eyes shifting to take in giant pieces of rock floating in midair and some of the same green, thick liquid pouring from unidentified sources. 

"It takes some getting used to," Rhys responded casually. As they continued onward Shai couldn't help sliding glances at her friend out of the corner of her eyes. It felt as if she were reassuring herself he hadn't just up and vanished every time she peeked at him walking beside her. But it was more of her studying him than anything else. She was looking for abnormalities in his appearance and not really finding any. She felt that there should be something that marked him as an apparition, as a ghost, but there wasn't.

A low rumble crept through the air and Shai stopped dead in her tracks. Goosebumps rose on her arms because the rumble had sounded closer to a laugh than anything else. 

"Did you hear that?" She asked lowly, sidling a little closer to Rhys. 

"Inquisitor, what an honor to finally meet you face to face."

Shai jerked and whirled around. The voice had come from directly over her shoulder. But like before when she'd looked for her companions, there was no one except for she and Rhys. Her eyes searched restlessly from side to side, encountering nothing but empty space within the Fade. 

"It knows you're here," Rhys said softly. 

"It? What's it?" 

"Nightmare."

"The what?"

"Come on, we shouldn't stay out in the open."

Rhys started walking at a brisk pace and Shai followed, her heart beating hard in her chest. _Nightmare? What the fuck is Nightmare?_  Rhys took them behind a boulder and stopped, turning to her. His face was grim and he seemed to be periodically checking over Shai's shoulder as if something might be following them. 

"You're scaring me you know," she said, her voice underlined with a tinge of worry. 

"Nightmare serves Corypheus. It feeds on the terror that fucking Magister is bringing the world."

"Is it a demon?" Shai asked, hoping that the Nightmare was indeed a physical thing because physical was always better than mental. Physical she could kill or at least defeat. Something mental was beyond her reach. 

"What else would it be," Rhys said, his tone bitter and laced with disgust. "It lives in this part of the Fade. You're in its realm."

"Of course I am," Shai whispered to herself. Falling into the Fade wasn't challenge enough. There absolutely had to be something waiting for her here, something that sounded unparalleled to anything she'd faced up until this point, besides maybe Corypheus himself. 

"You've met it before."

"I've what?"

"Met Nightmare before. The last time you were in the Fade, love. When you fell out of it and got that blasted mark put on you."

"How--how do you know that?" Shai asked, staring wide-eyed at her friend's face. "How could you possibly know that when I can't remember anything from before? How could you possibly know any of this?"

Rhys shook his head slowly. "I think it took your memories from you. Nothing more scary than not being able to remember something crucial, right?"

Shai stared blankly, her mind working over everything she was learning from Rhys's sudden pool of ethereal knowledge. This...demon had wiped her clean when she was last in the Fade, had taken enough pieces of the puzzle that the damned thing didn't fit together anymore. And Rhys was right. There wasn't anything scarier than forgetting something everyone needed you to desperately remember.

++++

"Report?"

"More wounded are being discovered every second and brought to the healers. I've got men keeping eyes on the Grey Wardens. Warden Blackwall is assisting. Haven't received a final count of our casualties yet. We've got that crazy bastard Erimond in custody. He's under heavy guard."

"Good. Find me when you have any new updates."

"Yes ser."

Cullen dismissed Rylen and went back to staring at the missive he was writing. He had only two lines written, and in neither of them had he mentioned the Inquisitor's death. Skyhold would need to know the status of the siege soon, though. He knew Josephine was waiting with baited breath for news back home. But he just couldn't bring himself to put those words on paper, to finalize what he, in his heart, didn't want to accept.

"Maybe you should take a break, Cullen."

Leliana was sitting silently nearby him in her own chair, her hands clasped gently in her lap. Her face was pale and withdrawn as if she were lost in her own thoughts and she probably was. The loss of the Inquisitor was a great blow to the Inquisition. There was still Corypheus to defeat, there were still rifts to close and Thedas to save, and they'd lost their primary means of doing any of that. But this time, it wasn't going to be like Haven where Shai had reappeared against all odds. This time it was final.

"I need to write this," Cullen said woodenly, pressing quill to parchment and scratching out a third line of writing. _Just write it, just write it and get it over with. The Inquisitor is dead, the Inquisitor is dead, the Inquisitor is dead..._  

"I can send a missive to Josie," Leliana offered gently, her blue eyes perusing Cullen's strained face. 

"No, it should be me."

"It can be either of us."

"This was my battle."

"This was the _Inquisition's_  battle, and we're all part of it."

Cullen was silent in response because he had nothing to say back to the Spymaster. He didn't understand why it was so Maker damned hard for him to just write down Shai's fate. He'd written hundreds of letters after Haven and beyond. How was it so hard to write another? _Because it was her, because it was a loss of a future that didn't really even get started--_

"I'm going for a walk," Cullen stated abruptly and leveraged himself out of his chair. The missive could wait. He would return to it when he could make his hand write the ugly words that kept circulating through his brain.

"Of course," Leliana said but she didn't move from her chair to exit with Cullen. Instead he walked past her and out into the dim dawn that was breaking across Adamant. With the morning light he could really take stock of the damage. Parts of the fortress had crumbled during the siege and there were spots where, if you stepped in the wrong direction, you'd plummet to your death or at least to a very nasty injury. Cullen stayed away from those pitfalls and instead moved restlessly through the Inquisition's newest campsite.

He visited the section being kept for the wounded, eyeing the blood covered bodies laid upon the ground as comfortably as possible. He caught sight of a familiar face and recognized the young female Warden from before that he'd ordered his men to take back to try and get help. She was staring unseeingly up at the grey, morning sky and she was dead. Her chest was thankfully covered by a large sheet of burlap and Cullen crossed to her side, pulling the heavy material up over her face. 

 _Maker rest your soul_ , he thought as he continued on his way. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to sit still and he wanted to move around. He wanted to scream and he wanted to bite his tongue and stay silent and hold out hope that Shai would prove to be a miracle worker yet again and appear in their midst against all odds. Mostly though he wanted to get away from the stench of war and loss and blood and death. But there was nowhere in this fortress he could go. Every inch of it would probably smell the same way. 

It was by sheer, blind wandering that he found himself sequestered away in some sort of tower room. Crates were stacked against one wall while over turned furniture occupied another. A small, clear space sat before the room's only window and Cullen pressed himself readily against it, desperate to suck in the untainted air he was sure was on the other side. This room, after all, didn't seem to have been touched by the atrocities of the previous night. This room had held its sanity when the rest of Adamant had readily abandoned it's.

Cullen snorted at his private musings. Fortresses couldn't be sane or insane; they weren't _people_ for Maker's sake. They could contain sanity or insanity only through what beings they housed within their walls. Presently Cullen felt as if he were balancing on the bridge between the two emotions. One wrong step on his part and he could be lost to confusion, to despair, to nothingness. He drew a great breath and held it for long enough to make his lungs begin to burn from lack of fresh oxygen.

Then he let it out in a gust of air. It whistled through his clenched teeth and he bowed his head. The Inquisition had won, but they had also lost. Oh how they had lost...

++++ 

Shai was running. Her feet were striking the ground in the Fade and sending up small puffs of dirt. Her lungs burned with exertion and a cold sweat had broken out on her forehead. Rhys was calling to her from somewhere behind but she wasn't listening. Her ears were only receptive to the sounds of the scream she'd heard just minutes before. It had been a tortured sound, a crazed, wounded sound. And she didn't know how she knew, but the recognized the scream as Sera. 

"Sera! Sera?! Where are you?!"

Her own voice was winded and she had to draw great gasps of air between her words just to put enough volume behind her calls. But there was no answer and she inhaled to try again. A hand slapped over her mouth and she jumped at the physicalness of it. 

"Stop yelling."

Shai struggled to speak around Rhys's very real flesh suddenly pressed against her lips. She hadn't the faintest idea of why she could feel him now when she couldn't before, but that was a mystery she would deal with later. Right now she had to get to Sera. That scream had been awful. It had torn at her own insides and she wasn't even seeing what could possibly be making someone scream like that. 

"Geterfme," she mumbled, reaching up to remove Rhys's appendage from its grasp on her face. Her friend's hand fell away when she locked her fingers around his wrist but latched onto her bicep as she prepared to continue what he had interrupted. 

"Shailene, you have to stop."

"Why?"

"You're drawing attention to us!"

"What attention? You said it yourself, that thing already knows we're here!"

"Yeah and so will every other demented bastard in this damned place if you keep yelling your head off!"

Shai swallowed roughly at that and turned to look Rhys fully in the eye. "What other things are--"

A shriek echoed through the Fade and Shai winced at the sharpness of it. The noise abruptly fell away into wailing and the manic cries taking its place were frankly a lot more disconcerting.

"Sera!"

Rhys's warning going unheeded, Shai whirled and took off again. She didn't look left or right, only forward. Sera had to be somewhere up ahead. The wailing was getting louder the more ground Shai covered. She blew past an outcropping of rock and would have continued her mad dash forward if she hadn't tripped over something unseen. She landed hard on her elbow and hissed at the lance of pain that shot up her arm. Rolling to her knees she looked to see what had impeded her progress and her jaw dropped as she found Sera curled in on herself, rocking quickly back and forth.

"Sera?'

The elf made no indication that she'd heard her name. Her lips were drawn into a thin line, pressed against her teeth. Her cries had subsided into small whimpers and her cheeks were streaked with tears. She was mumbling words but Shai couldn't make out what was being said.

"Sera? Sera, can you hear me?"

"NobodyImnobodyImnothing...invisibleinvisibleinvisible...nothingnothingnothing...noonenoonenoone...cantseemecantseemecantseeme..."

"Sera?! Rhys? Rhys! What's wrong with her?"

Rhys knelt down next to Shai, his expression grim. "She's having a nightmare."

"What?"

"She's having a nightmare. I told you everyone sees something different in the Fade. Its a personal place...it gets inside your head."

"Well make it stop!" Shai demanded, reaching for Sera's hands that were clapped to the sides of her head. The elf didn't react to being touched whatsoever, her incessant rambling continued unabated. 

"Sera? Sera listen to me. Damnit, Rhys, help me," Shai snapped as her eyes coursed over Sera's enabled frame. _Think, Maker damnit, think_! Her fingers tightened their hold on Sera's wrists and a shock of magic came through the connection unbidden. She felt the electricity from her brief conjuration of lightning surge through her fingertips and into Sera's skin. The elf gave a sharp yelp and her eyes flung wide.

Dilated pupils stared out at the Fade unseeing at first before Shai watched the light of recognition come into them.

"We fell," Sera mumbled weakly and Shai could have kissed her for the sense she was finally making.

"Yes, we did. We fell."

"We're in the whatchamacallit."

"The Fade. We're in the Fade."

Sera's face screwed up in concentration as her posture relaxed. The tenseness that had held her muscles in its grip was fleeing her lithe frame with every passing second.

"Shitballs, fuck, shit, crap. Fade, shit, arse, demons, crap!"

"Yes exactly," Shai conceded with a shaky laugh. She pushed to her feet and drew Sera up with her. The rogue stretched experimentally and then froze as her eyes flew rapidly over Rhys apparently seeing him for the first time. 

"No, no, no, no, you're dead, you're dead."

She stumbled backwards and Shai shot her arms out to restrain her but Sera made no move to retreat any further than she already had.

"You're right, love. I am dead," Rhys said softly and if Shai wasn't mistaken, she heard his voice catch on the last word...but just barely.

"This whole place is bits up, face down," the rogue spit, her gaze narrowing as she continued to survey the eeriness that was the Fade. "I want out."

"Me and you both. But we can't leave without everyone else," Shai said.

"Yeah," Sera sighed unhappily. "I guess we can't leave 'em for demon food or whatever. I can hear it you know? Or I could hear it...it was talkin' to me."

Shai swallowed and cleared her throat uncomfortably. "What was talking to you?"

"It," Sera said with a wave of her hand as if that explained everything. "It was in my head...I think. Said somethin' 'bout shootin' arrows and shite. Pfft, I bet I could hit it before it saw me."

Shai looked to Rhys but he just shook his head slowly.

"We should probably keep moving," he said.

"Yeah," Shai agreed. "That's probably a good idea."

++++

"Thank you soldier."

"Ser."

Cullen held a piece of grimy paper in his hand, his eyes scanning over the figures that Rylen had scrawled down to have delivered to him. He'd returned to finish the missive to send to Skyhold only to find that it had been completed in his absence and Leliana was nowhere in sight. He'd grumbled about it for all of five minutes before he'd been interrupted with the total of the Inquisition's losses. 

Now he _desperately_ wished the Spymaster had left him the missive to finish because all he could do was stare at the fixed writing of all they had lost. _It's not as bad as Haven_ , he told himself for the umpteenth time. _It could have been worse_. He didn't know who had invented that phrase to be comforting because he decided abruptly that it wasn't in the least bit helpful.

Cullen didn't know what to do. He'd been making the rounds repeatedly, checking on progress, speaking with his men, noting which faces they were missing. With Leliana sending news of Adamant back to Josephine, he didn't have anything immediate to do. Well that wasn't exactly true. He could get a head start on his reports. He'd be buried under them back at Skyhold if he waited. But he didn't feel much like writing. He didn't feel much like doing anything. 

It had been six hours now since Shai had fallen into the abyss. Dawn had fully broken across the Approach and it was already promising to be a sweltering day. Soon the smells of blood and injury would be too much to bear and they'd have to move the wounded to a more secluded part of Adamant so that the rest of them didn't empty their stomachs at the stench. Cullen supposed he could start scouting for a suitable location although he was sure some of the healers they'd brought with them--plus Madame de Fer--had already done so. 

"You worn holes through the stone yet, Curly?"

Cullen's head jerked to the right where Varric was sitting on a crate, his shorter legs not quite reaching the ground. Bianca was, for once, absent from the dwarf's company though Cullen knew the crossbow couldn't be far away. Sometimes he was sure the big mouthed rogue slept with it on a pillow adjacent to his own. Dorian was sitting next to Varric, his forearms braced on his thighs as the Tevinter Mage hunched forward. And next to him was Luis Madrigal. 

Cullen couldn't help the slight curl his lip took on as he looked at Luis's woebegone face. He could only assume the expression was directly related to Shai's death and he had the sudden urge to walk over and shake it off the boy's face. _Why should he miss he? He didn't even know her! He's been with us all of, what? A month?_ The night before came back to Cullen of how he'd clearly interrupted Shai and Luis having a nice, moonlit walk before the coming siege. If he was being honest, he'd watched them walk off together and had left Stroud to interrupt the meeting. 

Call him possessive or irrationally jealous, but there was something about Luis he didn't like and it went beyond him getting cozy with Shai if it could even be said that was happening. As far as Cullen's observations had taken him, Luis and Shai were nothing more than friends. They'd been sparing no longing glances between each other, no standing a little too close than was strictly necessary, no bright smiles when the other entered the room.

He supposed he'd been looking for any of that a lot harder than he should have but he had to _know_. He had to make sure. If he was being booted from the Inquisitor's life for good then he damn well wanted to know whether it was because of his own stupidity or because Luis had filled the shoes that weren't all that big to fill in the first place thanks to Cullen's own crippling doubt. But now, looking at Luis, he saw the story written large on the boy's face that he had lost something irreplaceable and the knowledge made Cullen's hands clench into fists. So something _was_ going on between them...

"Curly?"

His eyes snapped to Varric who was watching him with an uncertain, almost concerned expression. Cullen realized he'd been staring hard at something, lost in his own thoughts, ignoring a question that had been very audibly addressed to him. He unclenched his fists and shook himself. Luis was watching him now too but his look was one of wariness like the way you would regard a strange dog that you couldn't decide would or wouldn't bite you. Dorian's gaze was the only one that was fully conscious and knowing and Cullen had to look away from it. The Tevinter Mage was, for once, quiet and he was quiet because he was reading the loss in the Commander's face.

Without bothering to answer Varric, Cullen walked away from the trio. He would make the rounds again.

++++  

When Bull finally stopped laughing, he had tear tracks coursing down from his good eye. Shai and Sera both had to haul the Qunari upright and hold him there until sense reasserted itself and he was able to stand on his own. Shai hid the shakes that were threatening to overtake her entire body. Sera's crying and wailing had been disconcerting, but watching the Iron Bull laughing maniacally to himself spouting gibbets of nonsense and cackling at the words like they were the best joke he'd ever heard had been downright scary.

"Rhys?" The Qunari asked hesitantly as he squinted at the reincarnated Mage.

"The one and only, mate."

"Ah damn. This is so fucked up," Bull said with a great sigh.

"I'm starting to think no one's happy to see me," Rhys said drily, his mouth quirking up at the corners.

"Under different circumstances would've been a little better," Bull replied as he rolled his shoulders.

"Yeah like not the friggin' Fade," Sera chimed in, her nose scrunched up. "It smells in here."

"Sulphur," Shai said decidedly. The rotten egg like stench was strongest by the pools of liquid throughout the Fade for it was around their banks that fissures opened in the ground and let grey steam through. Shai had gagged more than once when the smell got deep into her throat and no amount of hawking and spitting would get it back out.

"Do you remember how you got here?" She asked Bull, remembering that she had yet to quiz Sera over the elf's memory of their descent into the Fade.

"Not a clue," the Qunari said. "I remember that fuckin' dragon and then we were falling and next thing I know, you're here."

"So you don't remember anything that just happened?"

"No," Bull answered slowly, his good eye narrowing. "Why? Should I?"

"You were,"--Shai looked to Rhys before addressing the Qunari again--"having a nightmare...I think."

"Well that's a load of dragon shit."

"The same thing happened to Sera."

"Hold on your lady bits. Wot same thing? Nothin' happened to me. You and he showed up, you got me, and we came here. Cut and dry. The only thing weird was hearin' some random voice tellin' me I couldn't shoot it in its friggin' face. No other funny business, right?"

"I didn't hear a voice," Bull ascertained absently, squinting at the ground. 

"It...took a bit for you to see me," Shai said quietly, watching the elf's face form into disbelief and skepticism. "You were,"--she decided to omit the crying part, figuring that would definitely put Sera off--"kinda screaming and we couldn't get you to listen and then you,"--she also decided to censor the shocking bit knowing Sera's opinion on magic--"you woke up. You were saying something over and over again too but I couldn't tell what it was."

Sera stared at her blankly for a few seconds and Shai shifted awkwardly under the gaze. No one else spoke as the rogue mulled over what she'd conveniently forgotten, her teeth catching her bottom lip and biting the flesh until it turned white under the pressure.

"Well whatever it was, I'm fine now," Sera finally said. "And so is he,"--she pointed to Iron Bull,--"so we should get movin', yeah? Still the Champion and whats-his-name Stroud and the Seeker."

Without waiting for an affirmative Sera took the lead, her somehow still intact bow and quiver strapped to her back. Rhys shrugged and followed her as Shai and Bull took up the rear. Bull gave a low whistle as he looked around the Fade though the sound was flat and somehow raised the hairs on the back of Shai's neck. 

"Someone definitely did a number on this place," he rumbled. 

"You can say that again," she replied as the ground gave one of the preternatural shudders it had been giving every once in awhile.

" 'Hey, Chief. Let's join the Inquisition! Good fighting for a good cause!' I don't know Krem, I hear there are demons. 'Ah don't worry about the demons, Chief! I'm sure we won't see many!' "

"What?" Shai wasn't sure she'd heard the Qunari right.

"Nothing," Bull mumbled and then a second later, "Asshole."

Shai shrugged and kept walking. More and more of the Fade opened before them. What seemed like sunlight streamed down on them from their right but it was too weak and cold to be anything from the land of the living. Green mist swirled around their calves, dissipating when they stepped through it. Pieces of ash floated lazily through the air, drifting back and forth on non-existent wind. It was one of the most unsettling things Shai had seen in a while and she hugged herself unconsciously. Maker she hoped Cassandra, Stroud, and Hawke all turned up in the next second so they could get the hell out of there. 

++++

Eight hours and still nothing. Cullen didn't know what he was waiting for. He didn't know if he should be waiting for anything to happen at this point. It had been eight hours of helping the wounded, clearing the dead, and making preparations for a return to Skyhold after a brief stop at Griffon Wing to replenish supplies. He was tired. He was bone deep tired and aching and dirty and gross and--his list of complaints went on. He felt like they could go on for eternity, in fact. But he didn't have the energy to think them all out. 

His brain was starting to shut down despite his need for it to keep running. It didn't want to go through the list of the dead again or carry on a conversation with Rylen about matters of the troops or the watched over Grey Wardens. It didn't want to record the moments of those soldiers reuniting with comrades they might have thought dead because he himself couldn't reunite with the someone he _knew_ to be dead. 

He felt like a child sulking. He was mourning someone he hadn't even really gotten to know. Yes, he recognized Shai's obvious traits of stubbornness and being far too headstrong for her own good. He'd seen a determination to be the last thing standing on the battlefield and he'd admired that she was such a force of nature. He'd also seen her lose a friend and he'd watched that death tear out some deep part of her and knew she mourned deeply for those she loved. He'd thought whether she would even be half as sad if he were to be killed and then cut off that train of thought for being selfish.

He knew what she looked like when she smiled, but he didn't know what made her smile. Furthermore, he wanted to know what made her laugh, what made her angry (besides him), and what could calm her down from a tirade. He wanted to know what it would feel like to roll over and have her in his arms first thing in the morning, to smell the sleep still stuck to her skin as dawn's light crested over the land.

He wanted to know what it would feel like to have her back against any and all things they might still face before this war was over, and know that she would have his solidly. Because if there was one thing he knew to be inherently Shai, it was that she'd destroy for those she cared about; Florianne's sentencing had been enough to cement that resolve. 

But these were all things he wouldn't get to know or experience. Shai was gone, lost to the world forever, and the sooner he accepted that the sooner he could do what his position required. The Commander shouldn't be moping about like a lost Mabari pup. The Commander should be rallying his men, congratulating them on a job well done, planning the next attack so that the Inquisition could drive evil from the land once and for all. He should be mobilizing himself, turning his sorrow into energy that could be used to seek retribution for Shai.

He should be...he should be getting this place picked up. Adamant was a mess and there was rubble the uninjured soldiers could move. And while they were doing that, he would go speak to the Grey Warden captain or whoever was in charge with them. That would have to be dealt with sooner rather than later and he would need time to think through what to do with the remainders of the Wardens.

He called to a few nearby soldiers, ordered them to get any and all able bodies on clean up duty. And then ignoring the moans of protests and the irritated looks some of them shot him, he left the courtyard to venture down to the lower bailey where the Wardens were being kept.

++++ 

"Everyone, if I get possessed, feint on my blind side then go low. Cullen says I leave myself open."

"Wots feinting? Why not an arrow?"

Bull exhaled harshly and looked to the roiling green of the Fade's sky. "I suppose, Sera, an arrow would work too."

"Yeah it would," Sera giggled, the sound in direct contrast with their location.

Shai couldn't have stopped the way her stomach clenched at Cullen's name anymore than she could have stopped herself bleeding if cut. Cullen...she wanted to see him suddenly. She wanted to see him right this very minute. She might have ended things with them, might have told him it was done, over, a moot point. But she'd lied to them both. She'd lied and she wanted her chance to say she'd lied. Or did she?

Her pride made her want to keep her promise, to make him suffer for the way he'd treated her, blocked her out, acted like she didn't exist. But her heart, the traitorous organ, wanted her to throw all complaints to the wind and find solace in him, with him. She hated her torn morals, hated how the Commander made her have such torn morals. _If he would've just owned up to whatever the fuck it was going on with him_ , she reminisced angrily. She'd watched him collapse in the war room damnit, there had clearly been something wrong and he'd just run away again. _Always running, always fucking running_ , she thought, _away from me._  

"Hey uh Boss, you ok?"

"Doing fine Bull."

"You're grinding your teeth pretty loud."

"Just a little frustrated with getting out of here," Shai lied and relaxed her jaw. Was it a good or bad thing Cullen got her so worked up? Good in that she clearly still cared, bad in that she clearly _still_ cared. So where did that leave her? Well, frustrated for one, single for another, confused for a third. Their whole relationship had been, as Sera would eloquently put it, bits up face down since the beginning. She'd _fucked_ the man before ever getting to know him beyond pre-assumptions on her part. Good Maker, her primp and proper grandmother would be rolling over in her grave if she knew; her mother would probably have a heart attack.

And unusually, the thought of Cordelia didn't cause a sour taste to enter Shai's mouth. Maybe she was becoming accustomed to her mother's presence at Skyhold. Fat chance, but she'd become accustomed to Cullen with enough time. _Yes, because his cock in you was the adjustment period_. She made a face then nodded at her inner thoughts; they weren't wrong.

"We've been walking forever," Sera complained loudly. "We haven't found anyone else an' it feels like we're goin' in circles."

"Sera we haven't made one turn this entire time," Rhys pointed out. "We've been going in a straight line forward."

"Oh piss on it," Sera snapped and stuck her tongue out childishly. "This is a friggin' maze."

"You don't like my house? Hmm, how sad. I quite enjoy its comforts."

The disembodied voice stopped them all cold and Shai recognized it as the one she'd heard before. 

"Who was that?" Bull growled though his tone sounded shaken. 

"Perhaps I should be afraid, facing the most powerful members of the Inquisition..."

"I know what that is," Sera said tightly, her voice quieter than Shai had ever head. "That's that thing! The thing that was talkin' to me."

"Hello Sera, it's nice to meet you again. I do hope you enjoyed the little dream I gave you. I learned quite a lot about you before we were so rudely interrupted."

"Out of my head bitch-balls!"

"Don't entertain it," Rhys warned with an edge to his voice. "Don't let it get to you."

"Ah Rhys...have you enjoyed your time here? Its so much better than a Circle, don't you agree? But I suppose it can't quite compare with your family's home, can it? Do you think your parents mourned your death? Do you think they even cared that you died? They sent you away because they didn't want you. Ironic, isn't it, that every time you looked in the mirror you saw your father's face--"

"That's enough!" Shai yelled loud enough to startle them all. Nightmare's voice was quieted for the moment and she breathed harshly waiting for the sinister tone to return. When it didn't she looked to Rhys who was standing stock still, his mouth in a grim line. 

"Are you ok?" She asked, not sure if she'd feel him if she reached out to touch him. His ability to draw upon physicality seemed to come in bits and spurts, more spontaneous than conscious, though maybe that wasn't the case. 

"I'm fine," he answered a little too quickly. "Let's keep looking for the others."

Their group of four set off again, their bodies wound tight with tension, not quite sure when Nightmare would emerge to taunt them some more. But the demon seemed fine to sit back and watch them, Shai could feel its eyes on their forms as they moved. She wondered what its game was, why it was allowing them to gather themselves into some semblance of order. Unless it was so powerful it knew they wouldn't be able to defeat it even with everyone...

"I hope the Seeker's alright," Bull said. 

"You think she isn't?" Shai asked with a touch of worry. 

"How long did it take you to find Sera?"

"A bit."

"How long did it take you to find me?"

"A bit longer."

"And how long have we been walking?"

"I don't know, Bull," Shai said softly. "A while?"

The Qunari just gave a low grunt and Shai refused to let the well of panic that had cropped up in her chest burst. They were going to find Cassandra, they hadn't been walking for that long, she'd found Sera and Bull quick enough, Cassandra shouldn't be too far ahead if the pattern held up. And if it didn't...well, they'd cross that bridge when they came to it. 

"Keep your eyes open for anyone else," Shai directed loud enough that Rhys and Sera ahead could hear.

They walked along, each person--save Rhys--looking around with jerky head movements.

"We're never gonna get out of here," Sera groaned after some time. Her steps had slowed and she was stomping more than she was walking.

"Not with that attitude we aren't," Shai chided gently. She too was starting to feel her hopes drop more with every passing minute. There was something about the Fade that just drained a person of motivation. In fact she was starting to feel more and more like just sitting down and hanging her head in frustration. Her heels felt like they were developing blisters and she knew walking was going to be a chore soon, a very painful chore.

"What was that?"

Shai and everyone else drew up short at Bull's question. The Qunari was staring ahead of them and slightly to the left, his hands gripping his battle axe in preparation.

"What was that?" Rhys asked lowly.

A skittering sound came to their ears as if something was running very quickly over the ground.

"That," Bull said stiffly. "What the fuck was that?"

"I don't know," Shai said, her mouth going dry. Unconsciously the four of them backed into a tight circle, their weapons raised and at the ready. The skittering came again sounding as if it were drawing closer.

"Eyes! I see eyes!" Sera bellowed abruptly, rapidly nocking and loosing an arrow. The projectile launched into the expanse of the Fade connecting with nothing.

"Hold your fire," Rhys instructed, one arm thrown out to prevent any more knee-jerk reactions. They squinted into the dimness ahead, trying to see past the swirling mist. Shai was looking for eyes when something struck her across the head and she fell forward. She hit the ground and rolled to the side as her friends shouted at the sneak attack. Something grabbed her leg and started dragging her. She lost her grip on her staff and felt dirt gather beneath her shirt as her chest scraped across the ground. Her fingers dug into the packed earth searching for purchase and finding none. 

"Help me!" 

Shai could see Rhys, Sera, and Bull chasing after her but whatever had a hold of her was moving much faster than they could run. She looked over her shoulder, difficult as it was to do while being dragged, and let out a scream. A spider had her boot clamped between its pinchers. Oddly enough, the sharp instruments weren't piercing the leather yet but it was still a horrid sight to see so many black, gleaming eyes watching her. 

Shai started to twist wildly back and forth, kicking out with her other leg. She missed the spider's face on the first few tries but connected on a fourth strike and the arachnid let her go with a squeal. Two of its legs came around to stroke its injured appendage and Shai wasted no time in scrambling to her feet and taking off in the opposite direction. Her breath came loud in her ears and she felt her heart leap as she heard the spider skittering after her.

"Boss duck!"

Shai hit the deck as the Iron Bull sailed past her. There was a solid thunk, another squeal, and when she bothered to look behind her the spider was laying dead in a crumpled heap, oozing black blood. She sagged towards the ground, planting her hands on her thighs and bending in half as she panted. Cold sweat had broken out on her brow and the ground was swimming before her vision. 

"Are you alright, love?" 

"I'm fine," she gasped, straightening to see Rhys and Sera looking at her concernedly. "Really, I'm good."

"Fuckin' six-eyed bastards," Bull grumbled as he came to rejoin them. "I hate spiders."

"Yeah I'm not too fond of them either," Shai said as she took a deep breath and calmed her still racing heart. "Thanks for that, by the way."

"Course boss."

"Think there are more?" Sera asked worriedly. 

"I don't think we should wait around to find out," Rhys answered. 

Shai nodded in agreement and their quartet started moving a little more rapidly than before. They covered even more ground within the Fade and it wasn't long before Bull again halted them with a perception of something approaching them. They again formed a circle, ready for whatever new threat was coming. They could hear running footsteps this time instead of skittering and Shai's heart resumed its frantic beating. 

"Steady," she warned through gritted teeth. Whatever they were about to face wasn't getting the jump on them this time. 

++++

A missive came back from Skyhold ten hours after Shai had fallen into the abyss. It was written in Josephine's slanted script and it was full of remorse and confusion. Cullen had Leliana read it aloud because he couldn't make it through the first line on his own. The Spymaster's voice had held steady throughout the entire letter, never shaking, never faltering, but her hands gripped the parchment with enough strength to turn her knuckles pale.

When at last she'd laid Josephine's missive aside, Leliana had closed her eyes to compose herself before looking at Cullen.

"She said she'll make the necessary arrangements," Leliana said softly. Cullen could only nod in acceptance and drop into a waiting chair. He stretched out, his taught limbs protesting the movement then sighing with relief as his tense muscles relaxed. He needed to sleep. His eyes stung with tiredness and if he squeezed them shut hard enough he could draw tears to their surface. 

"Cullen...I'm sorry."

He looked at Leliana, saw the concern in her eyes, and shook his head. 

"It doesn't matter."

Wisely, the Spymaster said nothing about his blatant lie. He wondered why he'd fibbed in the first place. It wasn't as if Leliana didn't have an idea of what was going on. He knew she did. He knew more than her did as well. But he didn't want to have a sit down chat about his feelings right this minute. He didn't want to have to think about life without Shai. He wanted to focus on something that would keep his mind busy.

Adamant had been, for the most part, cleared of debris. His soldiers had worked quickly and efficiently to follow their Commander's orders. Now they sat on the stone floor, backs resting against various objects as they waited for new orders. Cullen knew there wasn't much left for them to do at Adamant. He should send some of them to Griffon Wing to rest and prepare themselves for the return to Skyhold. They didn't have any supplies here and hadn't been able to unearth any resources. It would be better to start vacating the premises.

But the Wardens would stay here. He didn't fancy moving the survivors of the order until he knew what the Inquisition was going to do with them. He posed the question of the Warden's fate to Leliana and she shrugged.

"We could take them back with us."

"Marching all of them back to Skyhold doesn't sound like it would bode well."

"True enough. There are enough left that if they wanted to create trouble they could."

"But we can't leave them here."

"I'm not suggesting we do. But we need to figure out something."

"Keep them at Griffon Wing?"

"We'd have to conscript them first. We don't want to run the risk of taking our eyes off them and having them rebel."

"I think all the fights gone out of them," Cullen sighed. "They yielded readily enough."

"Still, it isn't smart to take chances," Leliana stated and Cullen again nodded in agreement. He drug a hand over his face. He was so, so tired.

"You look like you could use some sleep," she continued.

"I feel like I might fall over at any moment," he confessed. 

"Go find a bed or a pallet, Cullen. I can reply to Josie and I'll wait for your input before sending it."

Cullen got to his feet and followed another's instructions for the first time in what felt like forever. He had his doubts about finding an actual bed but a pallet might be doable. Finding somewhere quiet though, that was going to be the kicker. Then he remembered the tower room he'd stumbled upon earlier and turned his feet in that direction. No one would disturb him there; he could rest behind a closed, locked door. 

++++

"Inquisitor!"

"Hawke! Stroud!"

Shai almost threw herself at the two men. She was so very glad that the approaching footsteps had belonged to them and not to something far worse. The Champion and the Warden both looked rather pale and drawn but they were steady on their feet and they were starting to look relaxed at finding friends instead of foes. 

"Hold on," Hawke said sharply. "Rhys?"

Beside the Champion, Stroud drew a long breath as his eyes widened. 

"At your service," Rhys said with a short bow. 

"This place just gets weirder and weirder," Hawke said almost under his breath. 

"Oh come on, mate. You can't say you're not glad to see me."

"Are you a ghost?" Stroud managed, his gaze narrowing as it swept over Rhys. 

"Something like that." 

"Long as you're still on our side then," Stroud said with a quick nod. Rhys raised a brow as if to say "why wouldn't I be?"

"Where've you been?" Shai asked.

"Running around this damned place looking for everyone else," Hawke answered. "We ended up thrown into some far flung part together and were working our way back to what we figured was the center hoping we'd run into you lot."

"Well its your lucky day," Bull stated with a grin that didn't reach his eyes.

"Have you seen Cassandra?" Shai questioned and her heart sank when both men shook their heads.

"Assumed the Seeker was with you," Stroud said quietly. Shai shook her head.

"We need to find her."

"Aye, we do," Hawke agreed. "And then we need to get the hell out of here."

A chorus of voices voiced approval of the plan and they set out once more, two people heavier. Bull broke the silence of their plodding footsteps after a bit.

"So, you hear any voices yet?"

"Should we be?" Hawke answered.

"Some spooky things been talking to us. Least it was. Don't know if it went away for good."

They all seemed to pause and listen for a response to Bull's conjecture and, when none came, a feeling of relief swept from person to person.

"Guess its gone then," the Qunari said with a snort.

"Ah, I see you've found some friends."

"Boy do I hate being wrong," Bull growled as Nightmare resurfaced.

"The Champion of Kirkwall and a Grey Warden, what a delight. Warden Stroud, how must it feel to devote your whole life to the Wardens, only to watch them fall? Or worse, to know that you were responsible for their destruction? When the next Blight comes, will they curse your name?"

Shai watched Stroud stiffen and his hand swept to the hilt of his sword, drawing the weapon smoothly.

"Don't," Hawke cautioned, putting a hand on the Warden's arm. "Stay your weapon."

"Heh heh heh heh. Such rationale Hawke. Let me ask you this and we will see how long you keep your composure. Did you think you mattered? Did you think anything you ever did mattered? You couldn't even save your city. How could you expect to strike down a god?"

"Hold your tongue, demon," Hawke spit to Nightmare's amused laughter.

"Oh such ferocity, such resistance! The one you love is going to die, you know. Just like your family, and everyone you ever cared about. You're powerless to save them. How does it feel?"

Hawke was silent in reply, his mouth twisted into a snarl. Shai's eyes flicked upward and around them, wondering if Nightmare had finally decided to show its face. But it had lapsed back into watching them unobtrusively again and her curiosity went without reward.

"We have to keep our wits about us," Rhys said gently. "It preys on fear, on getting a rise out of you. The more attention we pay it the stronger it--"

"Then let's keep moving," Hawke interrupted and started forward again. They hadn't gone much further when dreaded skittering started up again and a well of spiders surged out of the mist before them.

"Ready!" Hawke shouted as he released a jet of flames towards the approaching arachnids. They all sprang into motion to dispatch the eight-legged fiends. Shai personally kept a good distance between herself and the spiders. She hated their hairy bodies and long, spindly legs. She'd always been afraid of them, unable to handle even the smallest of their kind. Within a few minutes the spiders were dead on the ground, curled in on themselves. 

"Its always the Maker damned spiders," Hawke grumbled as he wiped a splotch of ichor from his chest plate. 

"You saw spiders?" Sera asked with a frown. 

"Didn't you?" The Champion asked. The elf shook her head vigorously. 

"I would've liked to see spiders."

"The Fade is personal," Rhys reiterated as he ran a hand through his strawberry-blonde locks. Sera was opening her mouth to respond when a loud splash drew their attention to a nearby pool of liquid. This one was larger than the others they'd bypassed and it spread out into the distance for as far as they could see, forming a sort of small lake. 

"Please don't tell me we're about to fight some demon fish," Stroud said stiffly. Shai was shaking her head when another splash sounded accompanied by a a gauntleted hand breaking through the liquid's surface before sinking back under. 

"Cassandra!" 

She wasted no time in leaping forward, her legs carrying her to the submerged Seeker. She slid to her knees by the side of the liquid and plunged her hands into its depths. She felt around looking for a body but encountered nothing but space. 

"Damnit Cassandra, where are you?"

Shai searched and searched, fingers flexing and grasping for the Seeker's arm or head or any body part she could grasp and pull on. Finally, finally, she encountered a forearm and grabbed it tightly. 

"I need help!" She called over her shoulder and immediately a pair of arms hooked around her waist and held firm. "Pull!" She commanded and the arms did. Bit by bit Cassandra was drawn gasping and choking from the liquid that melted from her body like smoke. When both she and Shai were once more on solid ground, Shai let go of her arm and rolled Cassandra onto her back. The Seeker's mouth was opening and closing like a fish caught on dry land and her eyes were blank and glassy. 

"Cassandra? Cassandra?!"

The warrior made a harsh choking noise and clutched desperately at her throat.

"She can't breathe!" Shai yelled as she maneuvered Cassandra onto her side. "She can't breathe!" 

"Move back!" 

Suddenly Bull was there and pulling Cassandra off the ground. He bear hugged her, pressing his clasped hands over the woman's stomach. With jerking movements, he pressed his hands in and up repeatedly until green liquid poured from the Seeker's mouth and she coughed and at last drew a shuddering breath of air. Bull set her down when it was clear she could breathe on her own and kept one, massive hand on her back as she hacked her lungs up in between short gasps. When she sat back on her heels, she found six worried faces staring down at her. 

"What?" Cassandra asked weakly, her eyes narrowed.

"You're alright," Shai sighed as she dragged a hand over her face. 

"Of course I am," the Seeker replied as she struggled to her feet. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"No reason," Shai responded deciding they didn't have time for an in depth explanation that could come later once they left the Fade, if they left the Fade. Cassandra gave a short nod and then noticed Rhys and her face went blank. Before she could ask whether he was real or a ghost or whatever question her mind had been forming, he cut her off. 

"Yeah I'm here."

There was a beat of silence where Cassandra only stared and then her mouth twisted and she grunted once in acceptance before asking, "How do we get out?"

"There." Hawke pointed to the swirling hole in the Fade's sky that they had drawn closer to. "If I had to guess, that's our exit."

"Then we shouldn't waste anymore time." 

Cassandra took the lead, her brash manner driving them all forward at double the pace they'd been keeping. Shai kept her eyes firmly on their way out, the trials of the Fade so close to being put behind them for good. She estimated they had only a few hundred yards to go, possibly less. They ventured up scores of slanted, rock faces and down the other sides, sometimes slipping and sliding before gaining a foothold. Shai was sure she had skinned up both her knees beneath her pants through this manner; she could feel her skin raw and stinging every time it was pressed against the cloth of her breeches.

"Aw damn." Hawke gave a low whistle as they crested another rock face and Shai followed his line of vision to where a few scores of red lyrium were growing from the Fade's ground.

"I can't ever get away from this stuff it seems," she mumbled. 

"What's it doing here?" Cassandra questioned. 

"Do you really want to know?" Hawke said flatly. 

"No...I guess not," the Seeker responded. Shai exhaled slowly and rubbed at the back of her neck. 

"Just give it a wide berth...per usual."

She started down the descending side of the rock face. "This place just keeps getting better and--"

Her voice broke off in a yell as the rock beneath her feet crumbled suddenly and she went shooting downwards. Her back scraped against jagged rock and the breath whooshed from her lungs as she slammed into solid earth and started to roll. She came to a stop as she rested up against something solid and when she looked up she was surprised to see a headstone arcing up towards the sky. She scuttled backwards from it, her head ringing with her untimely fall. It was then she noticed the stone wasn't alone. Other graves surrounded it and Shai's eyes bugged as she took in the names of her companions etched into the unyielding stone.

"Yes Inquisitor. How does it feel to know you will be the ruin of everyone? That they will die for you without being asked, that they will break themselves open for your glorious cause?" Nightmare asked as it resurfaced. Somewhere behind her, she could hear Rhys and the others calling her name but she couldn't tear her eyes from the gravestones.

_Iron Bull..._

_Sera..._

_Cole..._

_Solas..._

_Vivienne..._

_Cassandra..._

_Dorian..._

_Varric..._

_Blackwall..._

Even Rhys had a gravestone although his name had a jagged strike through it.

"Your friend has already paid the ultimate price for your foolish mission," Nightmare said, reading her thoughts. "How long before the rest of them join him in death? Do you really think you'll always be there to save them when the time comes?" 

Shai shook her head and struggled to her knees. She couldn't get her feet under her and had to brace her hands against the ground. The ringing in her head was growing stronger. 

"They'll follow you into the darkness of the abyss...faithfully...foolishly. And how will you repay them? By sending them to their deaths..."

A vision accosted her senses and Shai reeled back at its intensity.

_She stands on a battlefield, a lone survivor. Smoke rises around her. It cloaks her in its caress. She looks for life but there is none to be found. Demons shriek from far off but the noise grows closer. She can't let them win. She can't, not after all she's gone through. She takes a step back and her foot connects with something soft. She turns and opens her mouth to cry out but no sound comes forth. Blackwall lays behind her, his chest split open from sternum to belly. His eyes are pale and glazed over. She looks beyond him and there is the rest of the Inquisition. Iron Bull's head lays severed from his body. Sera is pinned to the ground by a multitude of arrows, her own weapon turned against her. Varric, Vivienne, Cassandra, Dorian, Cole, even Solas...they are all dead. And she knows it is because of her...all because of her..._

"Do you see that you will be the ruin of everyone you hold dear?" Nightmare asked, bringing Shai back into the present. Her head was feeling thick and her stomach roiled with turmoil, heaving to and fro within her body. "Would you like to know something else, Inquisitor? Would you like to know another death you were responsible for?"

"No," Shai murmured but it came out as a whisper instead of a solid sound. Nightmare laughed lowly as if her weakness amused it.

"Oh but I know you miss your memories. Here, take them back. See what you have done."

 _She bursts through a door._ The Divine _, she thinks and then she sees the familiar monster before the holy lady._ Corypheus _. He carries an orb and it is holding the Divine in some sort of thrall. Around the old woman are Grey Wardens and this shocks her, roots her to the floor for a precious, few seconds._ No _, she thinks._ They couldn't have done this _. But the Griffon Wing armor is as clear as day; the vision is sharp and coherent._ What's going on here _, she cries in anger. Corypheus looks to her, his twisted face becoming even more horrific. Suddenly the Divine strikes and the orb falls from his hand. It rolls across the floor to Shai and she dives for it without thinking. And when she grabs it, the most intense pain fills her arm and she knows this is the birth of her mark. Then there is a flash of light and she finds herself climbing what feels like a mountain. She cannot look over her shoulder because she knows something evil follows her. She can only go up, up, up and then there is a hand that pulls her to safety and it is the Divine, grey eyes looking out from a wrinkled face._ Go _, the Divine says and pushes her towards a green tear in the air, an opening from the Fade. Shai reaches for the old woman, her fingers brushing the Divine's. She can't leave her behind, she won't. The things following are demons and they will rip her to shreds. But the Divine falls away at the last second, and Shai is left with no choice but to throw herself through the tear._

Shai writhed on the ground of the Fade as her mark flared with remembrance and Nightmare's glee at her internal struggle was ridiculously palpable.

"And now you know," Nightmare said and then it was gone once more and Shai felt silence settle all around her.

"Shailene!"

Hands turned her over and she looked up into Rhys's concerned face.

"I saw what happened," she whispered and her friend's brow furrowed. 

"What do you mean what happened?"

"The Divine. The Temple exploding. I saw what happened. The Grey Wardens were helping Corypheus. He was using the Divine as a sacrifice for his ritual. And I showed up and I grabbed the orb he had and that's where my mark came from and then the Divine helped me escape the Fade and...and..."

"The Wardens were helping Corypheus?"

Shai looked past Rhys to where Stroud was standing very, very still, his brows pulled low over his eyes. Hawke was watching the Warden from just behind, his gaze narrowed. 

"How could that be?" Stroud asked almost to himself as Rhys helped Shai to her feet. Her attention slid to the gravestones and she shuddered as she looked at the names again. 

"It wasn't Andraste who sent you from the Fade then?" Cassandra questioned, stepping past Stroud and into Shai's personal space. Shai shook her head and looked to the ground, feeling more of a false prophet than she'd ever felt before even though she'd never claimed the holiness people had thrust upon her. 

"It was the Divine," Shai said slowly.

"And she died at the Temple thanks to the Wardens," Hawke spat venomously. Stroud's face contorted as he turned to the Champion. 

"The Grey Wardens responsible for that crime were under the control of Corypheus. We can discuss this further once we return to Adamant."

"Yes, Adamant," Hawke sneered. "Where the Inquisition faces an army of demons raised by the Wardens."

"How dare you judge us?! You tore Kirkwall apart and started the Mage rebellion!"

"To protect innocent Mages!" Hawke contested, stepping so he was nose to nose with Stroud. "Not madmen drunk on blood magic! Even without the influence of Corypheus the Wardens go too far. They need to be checked!"

"Are you saying you want to get rid of the Grey Wardens?" Cassandra asked astounded. 

"Right, it isn't like you can just get rid of 'em," Sera jumped in. "I mean it's never good when they show, but they're supposed to be heroes."

"Sweet Maker, can everyone please shut up!" 

It took Shai a second to realize that she'd spoken out loud and not just spoken but yelled loud enough to still be hearing her voice echo back to her. Everyone turned with wide eyes to where she stood, hands clenched into fists. 

"Stroud is right. We can discuss this back at Adamant. Right now we don't have time to sit here and fight with each other. We need to get out before we can't. So everybody just can it until we're safe again!"

No one said anything as she stormed past them and started them once more in the direction of the exit. She stomped along, her boots splashing through random pools of liquid and stirring up minor clouds of dust. Her head was spinning with all the memories she'd just regained and the visions Nightmare had given her of her friends's demises. She felt queasy and out of it and every time she blinked she fancied she saw a companions's body floating in the air before her face. It took a lot of head shaking before she was able to rid herself of that particular affliction and then concentrating on getting out of the Fade became much easier. 

"It's funny," Hawke said after a gap of silent walking. 

"What is?" Cassandra asked and Shai didn't have to turn around to know that the Seeker's shoulders were hunched up around her ears and she was shooting daggers at the Champion lest he be launching into another argument with Stroud. 

"Well this is the Fade," Hawke continued unperturbed. "Shouldn't we be running into more than just a few spiders?"

"The spiders are your fears manifested," Rhys said. "I guess since most people are afraid of spiders, that's what we got."

"Again, you lot are lucky you saw just spiders," Sera said with a shiver in her voice. 

"What're you on about, Hawke?" Shai stopped her walking and turned around to face the rest of the people with her. The Champion drew up short and his face darkened considerably.

"I'm on about the fact that we should be seeing demons, shouldn't we? The Nightmare _is_ a demon, yes? Where are the rest of its lowly kind? We can't just be expecting its going to let us walk out of here unscathed."

"I'd say we're all pretty scathed," Bull rumbled. "A trip through the Fade isn't exactly a walk in the park."

"Hawke is right," Cassandra stated. "We should be seeing more than we are."

"Well would you guys like to go look for some demons to fight? Is that what you're saying?" Shai asked, putting her hands on her hips and peering through the visor of her helm, which was somehow still atop her head.

"No, what I'm saying is we need to be on our guard. I get the feeling we're walking into a trap," Hawke stated lowly and Shai pondered his words for a few seconds before nodding in agreement. They had made it through the Fade thus far with little to no impediments from anything besides Nightmare and it had only been taunting them from the shadows. It felt too easy, much too easy. 

"Fair point. I guess Cassandra and Bull should take the lead then. Stroud and Hawke can cover the rear and Sera and Rhys and I will stay in the middle."

The orders for her team to organize came like second nature to Shai and her companions were quick to obey. They moved forward once more, weapons at the ready, eyes casting from side to side in preparation of a sneak attack. 

"Ahead!" Bull trumpeted after a few minutes and, when Shai looked, she could indeed make out some shapes moving in the Fade's green mist. 

"There the bastards are," Hawke cursed. "On your signal."

Shai rolled her shoulders and bounced lightly on the balls of her feet. She couldn't shake the feeling that whatever was ahead had been lying in wait for them. 

"Charge," she said softly and Cassandra and Bull surged forward. They met the opposition with a clash of steel and flashes of magic; it was two despair demons and a few shades. The latter fell quickly, dispatched aggressively by the Seeker, the Qunari, and Stroud. The despair demons, however, floated above their group of seven, firing freezing ice and shrieking. They fell quickly beneath the onslaught of flames and arrows, their shrouded bodies crumpling to the ground.

"Now that's more like it," Hawke commented as he poked a dead despair demon with the toe of his boot. The creature decomposed at the touch, turning into dust before those particles were swept away on a non-existent wind.

There were more ranks of demons ahead of them as they discovered. Shades, wraiths, a few terrors, and a hulking pride demon put up hellish fights before eventually succumbing. Shai was sweating profusely beneath her clothing and armor and she wished she could take off her helm and feel a cooling breeze but knew there was none to be found in the Fade. In fact, if she wasn't mistaken, the Fade had become hot and muggy around them and it clung to their bodies in suffocating fashion.

"Well that sure as hell doesn't look good."

Shai followed where Bull was pointing and saw more red lyrium jutting from what could only be described as an entrance to a deeper part of the Fade. Two braziers burned with green fire, illuminating the lyrium in ghastly light. Liquid dripped down from the entrance and Shai could see that there were pools spreading out on the other side of the entrance.

"No way but through," she mumbled to herself before she motioned the group forward. Apprehension shot up her arms and down her spine, twisting in a tight ball in her chest. Something bigger was waiting for them just ahead; she could feel it in her bones. Those demons had been guards, nothing more. They were only there to slow them down, not to kill. No, killing would be the job of something else.

Their boots sunk into the pools although their feet remained dry when they should have been wet. The more ground they covered the heavier Shai felt her steps grow and the more tired her legs became. She was slowing down immeasurably and was having to make a concentrated effort to keep putting one foot in front of the other. A bright light came from over her shoulder and when she looked behind her, she saw Rhys had begun to glow again. Everyone was watching him with the same mixed reaction of wonder and confusion. 

"Don't mind me," he said quietly, a teasing lilt to his voice. The Seeker snorted at his comment and shook her head. Rhys winked at Shai and offered her a small smile which she returned although it threatened to slip from her face. Something bad was about to happen, she could just feel it. They came around a corner and Shai felt her heart leap with joy. 

"A rift," she breathed. The swirling hole in the Fade's sky wasn't the exit after all because directly beneath it was one of the shimmering tears in the air she'd become so familiar with.

"We'll have to get through and close it," Stroud said.

"Oh no," Shai jested. "However will I do that?"

Sera sniggered at the joke but it was a half-hearted noise filled with more than a small tremor of nervousness. "We should get going, yeah?"

"Yeah," Shai agreed and led them forward. They hadn't gone far when her feet stuck to the ground and refused to move.

"Fuck," she breathed, her eyes widening.

"Sweet Maker," Hawke muttered.

"Fuck. Balls. Crap. Shit. Piss."

Sera's eloquence fit the situation well for there before them, guarding their way out, was the stuff of nightmares. A spider more massive than anything Shai could have dreamed of, even in her worst fears, was blocking the exit. It stood with its legs spread over a platform, occupied by some thing with multiple arms protruding from its back. Shai's stomach dropped and her body went cold as she sized up their opponents. How in the Void were they going to get through that?! If the thing with the many arms didn't get them then the spider surely would. There were seven of them, yes, but...but...

"Its now or never," Hawke said, interrupting her thoughts. 

"We will make it through," Cassandra stated firmly and Shai desperately hoped the Seeker's words would prove true. She closed her eyes briefly and then she ordered her team forward. 

++++

"COMMANDER!"

Cullen jolted awake breathing heavily, sweat soaking his body. His jaws were clenched around a rising scream that hadn't made it out of his throat and it took him a minute to unlock the muscles. 

"COMMANDER?!"

There was a banging on the tower door he'd concealed himself in and he briefly wondered who had managed to find him but groggily pushed himself to his feet nonetheless. He'd needed that nap though it had felt more like a coma than a resting sleep. He'd secreted himself behind a stack of crates, a piece of burlap thrown down onto the ground for bedding. It hadn't been the most comfortable bed but it had done the job. The banging came again and Cullen growled out that he was coming.

He grabbed the latch on the door and threw it wide to a recruit standing on the threshold, excitement thrumming through her body. Cullen's suspicion immediately peaked. 

"What is it solider?"

"The Inquisitor's companions...they've come back! They're--"

Cullen was past the recruit in the next second, taking the way back to the main courtyard in long strides that were borderline running. The Inquisitor's companions were back...they were back! They were alive! So that meant....He cut himself off. No, he couldn't think like that until he could see for himself. Adamant felt deserted once more as he passed little to no one on his journey to the courtyard. He assumed everyone was gathered around the rift in the center of the courtyard because where else would the Inquisitor's companions come back through?

"Cullen!" Leliana materialized at his side, easily keeping pace with him. "Some of them have returned!"

"Some?"

"Cassandra and the Iron Bull and Sera. We're still missing the Champion, Warden Stroud, and the Inquisitor though I do hope they're close behind."

They came into the courtyard to a general buzz of excitement and wonder and dumbstruck awe. Cullen and Leliana pushed their way to the front of the crowd, or would have if the soldiers gathered had not stepped out of the way themselves. They came upon Solas still standing sentinel by the rift but now the entrance to the Fade was thrumming with energy and activity and three people who had been thought lost forever were straightening up from where they'd landed on the ground.

"Seeker!" Cullen called and rushed forward to help the female warrior up. Cassandra grasped his forearm as he grasped hers. 

"Commander, its good to see you."

"You're alive," Cullen said stupidly. Cassandra cracked a small smile, though it was tight and didn't reach her eyes. 

"So we are."

"You need food and some rest and the healers should take a look at you."

"In time," Cassandra said. "But the Inquisitor was right behind us..."

Her voice trailed off as she turned to look at the rift. Cullen's eyes ended up riveted to the green phenomenon as he desperately prayed that it would open again and Shai would step forth. Minutes of no activity passed and his hope began to spiral downward. 

"She _was_ right behind us," the Seeker stated lowly, hesitation, confusion, and worry evident in her voice. _Sweet Maker, then where is she_ , he thought, his hands clenching into fists. The fade rift fizzled and sparked and Cullen's eyes zeroed in on its middle waiting for a familiar figure to emerge. Nothing could have dragged him away, he was rooted to the spot, his jaw tight with worry, his gaze fierce and determined. _Come on Shai...come on....please..._  

At last a leg came into their midst followed by a thigh and then the rest of a body. A shout of triumph went up from those gathered and Cullen felt the dumbest grin split his face in half. It was her, she was alive. And coming right beside her was the Champion. In fact, Hawke's arm was looped around her waist as if holding her up and Cullen's spirits sank as he realized she was injured. He wanted to step forward and offer his assistance but Shai shook Hawke's arm off and turned around to throw her left arm up. Her mark flared into life and the rift shuddered mightily. Within a few more seconds it winked back out of existence and Shai stood staring at where it had been, her shoulders heaving.

Quiet descended on the courtyard, a deathly sort of silence that made everyone feel it would be inappropriate to speak. But the Seeker broke the stillness, stepping towards Shai who still had her back to all those gathered.

"Where is Stroud?"

And it was then Cullen realized that the Warden wasn't amongst them.


	46. It's All Coming Back to Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple things (per usual):  
> 1\. The Patriots can rot in hell (sorry not sorry, yes I'm still bitter about that game)  
> 2\. 400 kudos, love you all  
> 3\. I hope this chapter flows well enough. My roommate was talking to me while I was writing and it was seriously interfering with my ability to navigate from point A to point B so I may go back and edit  
> 4\. One day I will have an update out on time every Sunday but school is a heartless bitch so for now I am doing my best.  
> Happy reading :)

Shai buckled on her chest plate and went to work on her pauldrons next. She'd already strapped her staff to her back and her helm--a little worse for wear--sat squarely on top of a stool. She was going back. There was no other choice but to try and reopen a portal to the Fade and go back for Stroud. She hadn't willingly lost a companion thus far and Adamant was not about to damage her record. She doubted no one would be very keen on accompanying her but that was fine; this was her mess to clean up and nobody else's. 

Stroud had ordered she leave him behind. He'd sacrificed himself so that she and the others could get out safely. Hawke had practically had to carry her to the exit of the Fade because she'd steadfastly refused to leave the Warden behind. And Rhys...she'd had to say goodbye to her friend again and that had torn another hole through her chest. He'd promised to watch Stroud, to keep him safe. 

But his light had been fading as if his purpose had been served and he'd been blinking in and out of sight so steadily...She pushed thoughts of her friend from her mind. She would have time to decompress and think about him later. Right now the Warden was alone. She knew that for a fact and she was going back for him. She wasn't leaving him to die, not for her. 

The flap of the tent she was occupying was shoved out of the way and she barely glanced over as Cullen stepped inside.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked sharply after a few seconds of taking in her frenzied activity.

"What does it look like Commander? I'm going back for Stroud." She reached for her helm and found her arm captured in a vise like grip. Cullen whirled her to face him, his face pale and angry beneath the grime that covered it.

"The fuck you are." He bit out. Shai's eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed in annoyance as she snatched her arm out of his grip, not without difficulty.

"I don't remember asking for your opinion on the matter." She tucked her helm under her left arm and made for the tent entrance. Cullen side stepped and blocked her way, his eyes dark.

"You're not leaving this tent."

"Oh are you going to stop me?" Shai tried to dodge around him but he caught her easily around the waist with one arm and pushed her backwards. She stumbled as she jerked away from his touch and regained her footing at the last moment to avoid ending up on her ass. 

"Move," she growled between clenched teeth. 

"No. I order you to stay here."

Shai's mouth fell open in shock and she felt her senses flee her and her emotions take the reins.  "Order me?! You order me? You pompous, arrogant, pig headed--in case it's slipped your notice, YOU are the Commander of the troops in MY Inquisition. You do not give me orders, you take them!"

Cullen looked a little taken aback by her outburst but she saw the exact moment his temper sparked from hers. "And in case it's slipped your notice, YOU are the leader of the Inquisition. An Inquisition that will not survive without you alive at its head! We all thought you dead! Every person in this damned fortress thought we had just watched you killed and now you've come back and you want to put them through all of that again?! No, I will not allow it! I will not let you put your life in jeopardy again."

"Fuck you, Cullen!" Shai yelled, her eyes flashing. Her face was hot with exertion and her hands had balled into fists.  "You've been ignoring me for weeks, acting like I don't exist! You clearly don't give a damn about my life!"

Cullen's mouth opened and closed soundlessly. Her chest was heaving and her teeth were clenched in anger, irritation, and hurt as she drug up the past between them. Stripes of red had risen across the Commander's cheekbones and his nostrils flared as he shook with barely controlled rage.

"Move," she said in a voice that brooked no argument. She had a small window to get back into the Fade and get the Warden before he would be lost to them forever.

Cullen stared her down. Slowly he shook his head, lip pulling up in a snarl. Shai felt her mana rise within her, static filling the air.

"Get out of my way or I'll make you move."

Cullen's eyes shot down to her hands where the barest hint of lighting was dancing amongst her fingertips.

"Commander, I order you to stand down and let me pass."

"Or what Inquisitor? You're going to strike me down?" 

He was damn well tempting her to. She may not use her magic against him but she sure as hell wasn't above decking him. Cullen seemed to sense her intentions for as she whipped her arm back to strike he shot his hands out and restrained her, pinioning her wrists to her sides.

"Let go of me!" Shai demanded, muscles bunching as she fought his grip.

"No!" Cullen yelled into her face. "I will not let you blatantly put yourself in danger!"

"Oh that's rich! Look at you acting like you care, Commander! You just don't want the failure of the Inquisition riding on your shoulders if I get myself killed! Its my title you're concerned about, not me! You have no right!"

Cullen's face darkened and a vein throbbed in his temple as his hands left her wrists to clamp down tightly on her shoulders and give her a good shake.

"No right? No right?!" Cullen roared. "There wasn't one minute that went by after you fell when I didn't feel sick at the thought you'd never come back! Don't you dare stand here and tell me I don't care! I do! I've been protecting you from something you couldn't possibly understand!"

"Oh yeah? And what might that be!" Shai challenged, chin tilting up defiantly.  But at the same time her chest felt tight with emotion and she felt like she could just as easily throw her arms around him. His face was etched with the extreme worry he'd felt over her from the tight lines at his mouth to the way his eyes flared and seemed to bore into her soul. 

Cullen's grip on her shoulders slackened and he stepped away from her, composing himself as he did, though his chest still rose and fell with his harsh breathing. He looked her squarely in the face and then his gaze fell away, down to the side, and she saw a flush creep into his cheeks. All at once her anger fled.  He looked up at her sharply and she lost in her breath at his expression. 

"Myself," he finally said, his voice low and ragged. "I've been protecting you from myself."  She heard him gulp before he continued.  "I stopped taking lyrium. No one but the Seeker knows. I couldn't...I wouldn't chain myself to the Templar life anymore, not after I left them to right what past wrongs I've done. It isn't easy, it...it breaks you down. Some have died from trying to do this, others have gone mad. I asked Cassandra to"--he swallowed roughly--"to watch me and if anything should happen, to find a replacement for me..."

His voice trailed off and Shai took a shaky inhale, mind free falling. _He wasn't taking lyrium??? He...he could be committing suicide!_ Her brain short circuited as she tried to comprehend everything. Oh but why hadn't he said something?!  _His pride_ , she answered herself immediately. Because she knew that in his position, she would have done the same. She would have curled in on herself, trusting precious few--if any--to carry her secret with her.

"Cullen," she began on a whisper but he didn't look at her. He just stared at the floor as if it would open up and swallow him. 

"I'm not stable," he went on, almost inaudible. "I...I don't know when it will get so bad I can't continue. I didn't want to put you through that. I didn't want you to see me like that. We'd started to overcome our pasts and...I couldn't set us back. I couldn't drag you down with me. There's so much you don't know...so many things you could never look at me the same way if you did...The Ferelden Circle was taken over by abominations. I had so many friends I watched die that day. They were slaughtered, cut down before me. I was tortured...they tried to break my mind...I came to the Inquisition for a fresh start, to...to...escape into a different future. And I haven't been able to outrun any of it. The lyrium was the last straw. I had to get rid of it, I had to cut myself off. But I'm afraid its taking me down with it and I couldn't risk you being part of that."

Shai had gone more rigid with every word Cullen spoke and her chest constricted painfully. Neither of them spoke for a few beats. The silence stretched between them, suffocating, thick and cloying. 

"So you see..." Cullen finally finished. "That's why I broke something before it could break someone I cared about instead."

_Oh Cullen..._

Her head was spinning; torture, withdrawal, not taking lyrium, death, insanity...She'd been so mad just minutes ago, angry he was blocking her from completing the goal she so desperately needed to complete. And she'd been furious with how he'd thought he could just sweep back in and act like he had any claim to her well being whatsoever. And now, now she was realizing he did have a claim to her. He'd still had one even after she'd tried to end things between them, even after distance had grown between them. The coin he'd given her at Halamshiral suddenly burned hotly against her skin and unconsciously she reached up to touch it. _But oh Cullen..._

He was still staring at the ground and he was missing the play of expressions across her face. The one that remained after all the others had passed was understanding mixed with compassion. It was this that drove her forward, that made her invade his personal space and stare at him until he looked her in the eye. And when pale green met gold, it was the way they sparked off each other that made her hesitantly wrap her arms around his neck and draw his body towards hers. He stiffened within the embrace, his hands fisted by his sides, not rising to settle on her waist. 

But he'd let her in, he'd finally let her in and now she knew, now she understood everything that had happened. And her heart ached for him. She ached _immensely_ for him, because of everything he'd endured and was still enduring, because of how _scared_ he was, because of how alone he looked like the world had tilted on its axis, and because it had taken him watching her almost die to break down the wall he'd thrown between them for _her_ safety. And she knew he still cared, he had pushed her away because he had cared...and she still cared for him, about him. And she wasn't going anywhere. She would hold them both steady if she had to. She wouldn't let him slip below the waves that threatened to drown him. If nothing else they would hang onto each other.   

She turned her face into his neck, settling it against his warm skin, and ignored the cold edge of his cuirass pressed against one of her cheeks. She exhaled and her breath coursed over him making him shudder. She felt him swallow and then his hands cautiously came up to settle on her waist. When she pressed her lips against his neck his hands slipped to her back and gripped her tightly as if she might disappear away from him at any second. 

"I'm here," she whispered. 


	47. There were Moments of Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its midnight my time, that's technically Sunday so here's a chapter on time!! NSFW because yeah, we need some good stuff now don't we?

He went to her when all was said and done. He'd sent half his soldiers along to Griffon Wing to rest up. The other half remained at Adamant and would leave with all those still left on the morrow. The fortress was finally quiet, everyone bunked down for the night in what rooms they could find. The Inquisitor had pardoned the Grey Wardens after the general hubbub of her reappearance had calmed down; he knew she would keep an eye on them going forward.

One senior Warden, Ser Ruth, had demanded, more than asked, to be judged for her crimes of murder. Nothing anyone said had persuaded her to shift her stance and she'd been put in chains to await return to Skyhold when the debate had reached a stalemate; the other Wardens had vigorously accepted the second chance given.

So now Adamant slept or it slept as much as the recent activities would allow it. Blood still stained the stones of its walls and floors; the rains, if the Approach _ever_ got rain, would wash the crimson away at some point. He wasn't too worried about it. His focus was on the woman he knew lay waiting beyond the door he stood at. It wasn't their first time alone in close quarters and thank the Maker, it wouldn't be the last either.

He'd been given a second chance alongside the Wardens. He didn't know how she'd found it in her heart to forgive him, to tell him she still cared, but he wasn't going to question it. He'd been allowed to keep one of the few good things in his life, possibly the _only_ good thing in his life besides the Inquisition, and he was going to hold onto it with both hands. 

He didn't know if he'd made a noise but the door before him swung open in the next instant and she stood just on the other side in a simple tunic and leggings. His mouth went dry, the words he'd been about to say shriveling on his tongue. Her hair was around her face in a cloud of curls. It hadn't grown much since she'd chopped it off but he thought he saw a bit of new length. It made her look years and years younger, almost like a teenager.

And somehow it made her eyes more intense, like your gaze was involuntarily drawn to the shorter tendrils of hair framing her cheeks and by default you had to encounter her stare. He cleared his throat and reached for the back of his neck, suddenly bashful about being on the doorstep of a lady's room, never mind that he was intimately familiar with this such lady.

Her lips quirked in a wry smile and she reached for his free hand, drawing him past the threshold. The door shut behind him and then it was just them in the little room that had been cleared for the Inquisitor. There was a small bed in one corner looking as if barely big enough for one occupant, a chest of drawers (with some of the aforementioned parts missing), and a desk with only three legs. But it would do for the time being; the Inquisition would only be here through the night and then they would make their way to Griffon Wing where the accommodations, if not that much more grandiose, were at least more adequate and comfortable.

She stared at him, waiting, as he surveyed her chambers. When his eyes came back to hers, she squeezed his hand she still held. He felt a jolt of heat go through him at the gesture and suddenly it was too much not to be touching her more fully. He pulled her to him and she went wordlessly, tucking her head into his chest while he rested his cheek against her mop of curls. He inhaled smoke and mild fragrance, some sweat, but nothing off-putting. And beneath it all was the scent of her, the scent he hoped to roll over and always smell on the pillow next to him one day. _Slow down_ , his mind cautioned. _Things have just barely fixed themselves, no use in putting the horse before the cart_. 

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and then her face was angling up to meet his lips. Their mouths met in the barest of touches before the connection deepened and his grasp on her tightened as did hers on him. He felt her fingers dig into his back and knew his own digits were probably leaving their own marks on the flesh of her waist. But he'd come too close to losing her for good; he'd hold onto her as if she could be ripped away from him at any moment. Her lips were the first ones to part and her tongue traced the seam of his mouth. He welcomed the invasion with a soft moan deep in his throat. His hips came forward unconsciously and he found her to be just as eager as he. 

He felt as if he should say something, as if he should whisper some sentiment to her before things progressed. But his brain reminded him that sometimes words were not necessary and that silence was said to be golden. So he fell deeper into the kiss, relishing the taste of her, immersing himself in it. She started backing towards the bed and taking him with her. They were laying upon the mattress in no time, his hips cradled against hers, her thighs on either side of his body. He was hardened within an instant and began a slow grind against her. She slipped her fingers from his back to his buttocks and squeezed him to her. She smiled against his mouth when he growled at the touch; the rough noise from him was playful, encouraging.

He wanted her naked beneath him, to inspect her chestnut skin, to make sure no harm had come to her, to kiss every part of her he thought he'd never get the opportunity to kiss again. But she was having none of it and her fingers hooked in the waist band of his breeches, struggling to push them down his hips. He let her fight with the material for a few seconds before having mercy on her and undoing his laces one handed. She huffed her appreciation as she wiggled the breeches over his length. He sprung free between them and she wrapped her hand around his cock.

The groan that left his throat should have embarrassed him but it didn't because he heard the abrupt catch in her breathing, pulled back enough to see her eyes darkening with lust. Maker, it felt so, so, _so_ much better when she touched him like that than when he did it to himself. And it was so, so, _so_ much better to have her with him than be alone in his room palming his length and wishing his touch was hers.

His hips rolled heavily towards her and he felt his cock glide against her skin. When the head of him brushed the material of her leggings, he realized she was woefully overdressed. He leaned back despite her protest of indignation. She still wore her boots--as did he--and he grappled with pulling them from her calves. She laughed when he nearly tugged her halfway across the bed and he couldn't stop the stupid grin that crossed his face. Had he heard her laugh before? He was certain he had. There was no way he _hadn't_. But why then did the noise sound so _new_? So fresh? So musical?

 _To the Void with it_ , he thought. There would be time to ponder what sounds he had and hadn't heard from her later. Right now he was more focused on crossing some of those possible noises off the list. Her other boot was removed methodically and then he peeled the leggings from her body. Her bare legs were shapely, something he could've sworn he'd noticed before but, like her laugh, he couldn't be certain. He admired their muscled contours, trailed a finger down her right calf and was rewarded with a spread of goosebumps in its wake. 

He grinned and would have done the same to her left one but her hand on his wrist stopped him short. He met her gaze and her eyes were sharp and full of want. His cock twitched where it stood proudly erect between them and she made no move to make the licking of her lips a subtle gesture. Watching the pink of her tongue sweep out before disappearing back into her mouth broke him. He yanked his shirt from his body and then brought them chest to chest. The front laces of her tunic were thankfully done up loosely in the first place and were already giving way, revealing large triangles of her flesh beneath.

With one hand he pulled the strings towards him then allowed his fingers to slip inside. He encountered the soft swell of one breast and as his callused digits brushed over her nipple, he kissed her feverishly, nipping at her lower lip. He'd never allowed himself to be subject to such wanton behavior but he was growing more and more excited with every passing second that he let himself just _feel_ instead of think about his actions. _Maker's breath_ , was the last coherent thought his brain conceived of before it shut off in the waves of lust coursing over it.

She skated her hands over the muscled planes of his back and latched onto his hips. She barely had to press her fingers into his skin to get her meaning across before he was positioning himself between her thighs. It seemed they both held their breaths mid kiss and then he was sheathing himself to the hilt. She moaned his name against his mouth and he thought it was probably the best damned thing he'd ever heard. But blessed Andraste she was so _hot_ around him, so ready and open. She shifted beneath his weight, positioning herself by raising her hips. They rolled against his own, however briefly, and he pressed his forehead against hers at the way it edged him the tiniest bit deeper. 

"Your move, Commander," she breathed and that was all it took. He pulled back and thrusted, the first smack of flesh in their coupling rippling out into the room. His fingers dug into the mattress beneath them both as he repeated his motions. _Sweet, sweet, Maker_...he was done for. He'd forgotten how good this had felt before, how wonderful this connection with another person could be. And all the better that she wasn't _just_ another person. All the better that she was she, Shai.   

He picked up his pace, breaking their kiss to make way for his pants. Oh, he didn't want this to end. He wanted to do this all night. He _could_ do this all night. He opened eyes he didn't remember shutting and took in her face. She was beautiful, art come alive. Her head was tilted back into the pillow under it, her teeth were sunk into her bottom lip. Her lids fluttered as she blocked out anything else besides the pleasure he was giving her.

He withdrew until just the tip of his cock rested within her channel. When she didn't feel him immediately slide back inside to where she wanted him most, she opened her eyes. He thought, if the Maker decided to strike him down in that instant, he'd die a happy man. Her cheeks were flushed, the first hints of sweat beginning to bead around her temples, dampening her hair. Her pupils were dilated and her lips parted on the barest breath. He hesitated for another second and when the tiniest frown creased the skin between her brows he thrust back into her.

This time she cried out, and loudly at that. He clapped a hand over her mouth without thinking, a smile growing once more on his face. Her companions were sleeping in nearby rooms. Stone was solid but it wasn't _completely_ sound proof. She giggled beneath his muffling hand and her eyes glittered up at him hotly. He couldn't resist removing his palm from across her lips so that he could capture them again with his own. When she raised her legs to lock her ankles behind his back, applying pressure with her heels, he took the hint and resumed the firm pace he'd set just minutes before. 

Sweat coated them both from head to toe in no time at all. Hours could have been passing for all he knew, for all he cared. His whole world had shrunk to the woman beneath him, the woman moaning broken cries of pleasure interspersed with his name and feral curses he knew came from a complete abandonment of sense. He felt a surge of pride, no, a _tidal wave_ of pride that he could render her so speechless. She wasn't his first--that had been a young tavern maid the older Templars had taken him to see not long after his joining of the Order--but if he could help it, she'd be his last. Because he knew he'd never want anyone else but her, he wouldn't ever crave the feeling of someone else's skin against his own like he craved hers. He was hers and, if she'd have him, she'd be his.

They carried on into the night, bodies joined in the most intimate of dances. And when she finally arched against him, her mouth pressed to his shoulder to muffle the two-syllables of his name that she was nearly shouting, his vision went white as he rutted into her one final time and felt the burst of ultimate pleasure as he let go. Her name falling from his lips was both a prayer and an exaltation.

+++++++

Later they lay together in the bed, the sheets still damp from their earlier physical activities. He'd pulled his breeches back up from where they'd been resting mid-thigh, although he left the laces undone. Her hand was tracing idle circles on his lower abdominals, coming dangerously close to brushing the top of his softened organ. Her head was cradled once more against his chest and his right arm was wrapped around her shoulders, his left behind his head.

"I saw Rhys."

He stiffened. "The Fade?"

"Yeah...in the Fade." Silence. Then, "I forgot how much I missed him. It's been getting easier to turn it off. He looked...alive. He looked so alive. It was easy to forget he wasn't, to think he'd come in with us...."

He let her talk. He didn't ask questions, didn't interrupt, just stroked one hand up and down her back, feeling her shudder as she inhaled shakily.

"At the end, when we...when Stroud stayed behind, I thought Rhys was coming with us, just for a second. And then I remembered...I remembered he was gone. And...and it was like it was happening all over again. I got to say goodbye this time. A real goodbye...the goodbye I didn't get to say the first time. I wanted to hug him. That was the hardest part. I wanted to hug him and I couldn't because he was there but he wasn't..."

He felt hot tears soak his skin and he gripped her tighter.

"I told him I was sorry. I told him we didn't let him go without a fight,"--a weak chuckle from her--"and I told him I missed him. Because it's true. I think it'll always be true. Then we had to go before we lost our chance. And he said he'd see me again but that it better not be for a while. That I better put some years on my life and not show up within a week."

She laughed but it was choked with tears.

"I forgot how much I loved him. I forgot how good it felt when I found him at Redcliffe. I forgot what he meant to me. Am I a terrible person for that? For forgetting everything because he wasn't around anymore?"

"No," he said softly. "No, you're not terrible. You're not terrible at all."

Her hands fisted against him and he felt her face scrunch up.

"I didn't think we'd ever get out. I thought...I thought we were trapped forever. And it was going to be because of me, all because of me. I was scared. I was scared the whole time I just...I didn't want anyone to see. It's so much pressure to just live up to the expectations everyone has and I feel like I have to be in control of things. I mean, who wants a leader who panics, right, who's obviously scared out of their wits half the time. Maker..."

"Breathe," he said softly when she broke off. He could feel her shaking next to him and he rolled to be able to encompass her with both arms. She fitted her face into the crook of his neck and shoulder and they just stayed like that for a while. He couldn't help thinking, as he held her, that she fit against him so well. Where she was soft he was all hard planes; where she curved he was straight lines. 

"I'm here," he whispered into her ear on impulse, the same thing she'd said to him earlier when he'd bared his soul to her. 

"That's my line," she mumbled into his skin with a sniffle. His hand came up to capture the back of her head and he ran his fingers through her curls, gently toying with the strands. 

"You're allowed to be scared," he said quietly. He himself hadn't ever been great at accepting that fact but it didn't mean he couldn't pass the advice along. She moved her head in what might have been a nod. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" she asked and it was his turn to bob his head in a nod.  "I've been scared since I woke up at Haven after the explosion. I've been scared shitless. Except I had to push it all down and keep it there because I was a prisoner one minute and then the Herald of Andraste the next. Except I'm not the Herald. In the Fade I got my memories back...the ones I lost after the explosion...it wasn't Andraste behind me, it was the Divine. She helped me when Corypheus was at the temple. And it was the Grey Wardens helping him; they'd been corrupted a long time before Stroud got to us."

He tensed at her words. _The Wardens had been aiding Corypheus_? _They'd been there with that bastard at the temple_?!

"It wasn't all of them, Cullen," she said as if reading his mind. 

"But enough," he responded and she was silent. She sighed after a few beats. 

"Can we think about this tomorrow? Please? I just...I don't want to be the Inquisitor for the rest of the night. I don't wanna have to think about all the things I've gotta do when the sun comes up. I just want to lay here and--"

"Breathe?"

"Breathe, talk, sleep...kiss, cuddle, go another round..."

"Another round?" He thought he felt her smile against his chest.

"Unless of course you don't have it in you, _Commander_. You are getting upwards in years after all."

He scoffed rather profusely and this time there was no mistaking that she was smiling against him...and laughing, albeit the sound was muffled.

"I'm hardly _that_ much older than you." 

"Oh really? I could've sworn I saw a grey hair or two ear--" Her words were lost in a tiny squeal as he rolled her onto her back and settled over her body again. Grey hairs Andraste's ass; he would've noticed a grey hair. He dropped his mouth to hers and kissed her before she could add anything else to her interrupted sentence. Maker, this felt good, being so carefree around each other. It was _flirting_ and he'd never really flirted all that much before; it was exhilarating. 

She hummed into his mouth and he felt the vibrations of the noise in her chest pressed against his. Their hips ground rhythmically against each other and he knew in another minute he'd be tenting the front of his breeches. Well, he _had_ thought that he could go all night; it seemed he was being taken up on that hypothesis. And he would definitely come through on it. 

 


	48. Into the West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I can't believe I forgot to ask this earlier! I meant to do it in the winter palace chapter but you know so much drama so I didn't wanna take away from that BUT when your quizzie talks to Josie, Leliana, and our dear Commander in the ballroom about how if Celene dies then Corypheus could still be defeated i.e. you can choose who you want as the Empress/Emperor, DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THE WAY CULLEN WALKED AWAY FROM THAT CONVERSATION?? HE LITERALLY SASHAYED GUYS I'M SERIOUS GO CHECK THE ANIMATION AT THAT PART  
> (look i've even included the youtube link to be helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH_8Qdvo8qk [minute 10:00 and wait for it]  
> (also look, an update on time)

They had set out for the Hissing Wastes from Griffon Wing Keep five days after the events of Adamant. Shai had felt, if not entirely rested, at least functional. Of course their travel was delayed promptly by an encounter with two quillbacks, which sent them back to the keep supporting a wounded and cursing Dorian between them. Once the Tevinter Mage had been handed over to capable hands, Shai, Cassandra, Bull, Varric, Sera, and Luis (filling in for Dorian) had resumed their journey. The two warriors plus the elven rogue had stated their express desire to get out of the Approach and leave their experience in the Fade behind for the meantime, and who was Shai to deny their accompaniment?

With any luck the Wastes would be reached within a fortnight and then they'd hasten to the Forbidden Oasis before returning to Griffon Wing. Frankly Shai was of the mind that anything with the word "forbidden" in the title should be left well enough alone. But, alas her position of Inquisitor didn't exactly allow her to be discerning in which places she would and wouldn't go. And as Dorian had pointed out before his untimely injury, the oasis part didn't sound all that bad. 

Shai shifted atop her mount, Zephyr, and enjoyed the gentle breeze blowing through her shorn hair. They had left the last outskirts of the Approach behind about an hour ago. If they'd been expecting anything but sand in between them and the Hissing Wastes, they were sadly disappointed. Miles of the substance stretched out before them in all directions. Occasionally a small shrub would break the otherwise uninterrupted scenery, but it was usually a bushel of deathroot and the sight soon grew repetitive.

Shai heaved a sigh at the part of the journey that still lay ahead of she and her companions. She wished, abruptly, that she was back at Griffon Wing. _And with Cullen_ , her post-orgasmic mind reminded her. _Yes, with the Commander_ , she agreed feeling a delicious heat pool in her stomach and chest at the thought. She felt ridiculous for admitting so, but she already missed him a teensy-tiny bit.

While they'd both had duties to oversee to even as far from Skyhold as Griffon Wing was, they'd still managed to steal some moments along together. And of course the nights were entirely there's and they'd made good use of them. Shai smiled and ducked her head, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she remembered the way they'd thoroughly explored each other. She still had a spontaneous list of things she wanted to do to Cullen--all good--and she was mentally gauging how long they'd be gone for. In a way, her prompt declaration of going back for Stroud had been one of the best things to happen.

While the confession that followed had pulled at her heart strings in a way nothing else had before, it had crossed a major divide between she and Cullen. But it occurred to her now that she didn't really know the Commander. She knew his body, but not his mind. For instance if someone had asked her what made him laugh, she wouldn't be able to say. If another had asked his favorite color, she would've had to take a shot in the dark. And if the question had been posed about what made him mad, she could only say that her obstinacy was definitely a trigger point, but only when she was in such a mood. 

At the end of the day, she couldn't answer anything for certain about Cullen's personality aside from the faucets of it that everyone else saw: his work ethic, his dogged determination, his steadfastness, his ability to lead and command respect from his men, his occasional awkwardness. The one thing only she and the Seeker were privy to was his struggle to free himself from the lyrium leash the Templars had been fastened with. And even then, he'd confessed to her because she'd threatened to throw herself literally back into the Fade, although she would like to think eventually he would've trusted her enough to come clean on his own accord.

The bottom line was that she and Cullen weren't all that familiar with each other. They'd fallen into bed before falling into like, which she was certain was the current running between them presently. Yes she cared for his well being and she knew he returned the sentiment. They were clearly compatible in the boudoir-- _ more than compatible _ , she corrected. They could clearly get along now that the biggest of their differences had been laid to rest, or at least put on hold for the time being. But there was still an ocean of things neither knew about the other. 

And she hypothesized that if this thing between them was going to grow and not disintegrate as soon as Corypheus was vanquished and the Inquisition's purpose was no more, then they would have to dig deeper beneath their physical attraction. So she made a note that as soon as they returned to Griffin Wing, she and the Commander were going to have a nice, little sit down chat. He probably wouldn't thank her for cornering him in such a way but she'd make that up to him another time. 

"Thinking about your Cullen-Wullen?" Sera asked obnoxiously, bringing Shai back into the present. The elf was grinning madly from ear to ear. 

"My what?"

"Your Cully-Wully. You know, Commander Knickers in a Twist. Has a lot of men under him, needs a woman over him. Because positions."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Shai said and willed the elf to stay silent with a hard stare. Sera--for she wouldn't be Sera if she obeyed instruction--scoffed.

"Everyone heard your little shouting match at Adamant. Him being all gruff and yelly and you being all mad and pissy. And then it got real quiet." Sera broke off to make kissing noises and Shai ground her teeth. She was going to throttle the rogue and enjoy every second of it, especially now that everyone else in their team was looking at her.

"Mind your own business," Shai snapped, a blush rising to her cheeks.

"You and Curly, huh?" Varric asked as he stroked his chin. "Have to admit that isn't the oddest thing I've ever heard. A Mage and a Templar crossing the divide to find love. That's a good story..."

"Varric I swear to all that's holy if I get even the smallest feeling you're writing one of your torrid eroticas about Cullen and I--"

"Its true then? " the dwarf said with a grin. "Well I'll be damned, I owe Dorian ten silver. No wonder he was so sure of himself."

"You guys took bets on me?!" Shai asked, her jaw going slack. Dorian was going to be toast when she got back to Griffin Wing. _No, not toast, a pile of ash._ If she didn't feel so embarrassed for Cullen's sense of privacy at her friend's prying, she would've found the conversation comical...almost. 

"Don't worry Flash. It was just between me and the Tevinter."

"It had better've been," Shai growled none too gently. Varric threw his hands up in surrender but didn't bother wiping the smirk from his face.

Cassandra, while she had listened to the conversation, said nothing and Shai was grateful for the lack of participation. But the Seeker's eyebrows had raised exaggeratedly at the news and inwardly Shai groaned knowing either she or Cullen was going to be approached about this later in private.

"Oh leave the Boss alone," Bull chided Sera and Varric. Shai threw the Qunari a relieved smile that quickly dissolved into a mask of horror at the warrior's next words. "But who do you think spends more time on top?"

"That is quite enough!" Cassandra declared as Sera dissolved in a fit of giggles and Varric snickered. Shai's jaw locked in place and she sputtered trying to give voice to a fierce reprimand.

"Oh c'mon Seeker," Varric protested. "Some good natured ribbing keeps our Inquisitor humble."

"Varric if you continue the way you are and she takes your head off with a fireball I will hardly stand in her way," Cassandra said plainly. Shai gave the woman warrior a smart nod of thanks before fixing the entirely too knowledgeable dwarf with a wolfish smile that said "try me". Varric made a noise and shook his head, accepting his defeat for the time being. 

Luis rode silently through the whole exchange, his eyes staying straight ahead on the path before them and Shai coaxed Zephyr up next to the Antivan. As she twisted to look at him in the saddle, she noted a pendant hanging from a leather thong around his neck. Having never seen it before she pointed at the gold flashing in the desert sun. 

"What's that?"

Luis jumped in the saddle and, after following where her finger pointed, hurriedly tucked the pendant beneath his tunic. 

"Its nothing. Just an old family heirloom."

Shai nodded but her eyebrow rose in question. She hadn't gotten a good look at the pendant from the side but it seemed to resemble a bunch of lines with a serpentine one in the middle. It made no sense to her eyes and she shrugged it off; it probably was an old symbol and, if it was an heirloom, it was doubtless she'd recognize it. 

"You've been pretty quiet since we left Griffon Wing," she said lowly. Luis shrugged; he had turned back to facing ahead. 

"Guess I haven't felt much like talking."

Shai frowned; he was behaving rather uncharacteristic for himself. He was by no means as talkative on a  regular basis as Dorian or Varric but he definitely wasn't one to remain as mute and stoic as Solas did. Going off her gut feeling that something wasn't sitting well with the Mage, Shai tried again. 

"Is everything alright?"

"Fine," Luis said shortly. Shai's jaw worked at his shortness and she felt a spark of irritation at the fact she couldn't shake the feeling he was acting this way towards her for some personal reason. 

"Well alright then," she responded slowly, squishing her temper down and resolving to let the Mage sulk in peace. She was just about to pull Zephyr back to align him with the rest of her team, for Luis rode slightly ahead, but before she could the Antivan spoke roughly. 

"I just don't see how you can take him back so quickly after everything he put you through."

This time both of Shai's eyebrows rose and her mouth popped open. Was he...was he referring to she and Cullen? She checked over her shoulder to make sure they weren't being listened to and leaned in a little closer. 

"This really isn't the time."

"Please, I hardly want to argue with you," Luis sniffed and Shai decided she didn't really care for his tone. "I just thought you had a better sense of what you deserved."

"Ok," Shai said with a growl edging her words. "Who died and made you the Maker?"

Luis laughed but it was dry and harsh. He looked at her then and his eyes were snapping, the gold in them prominent. 

"He hurt you. He _really_ hurt you, and you went back to him."

"He had his reasons," Shai defended. Luis's hand tightened visibly on his reins and he scowled forward once more. 

"Every man always does."

Shai could only gape in shock. _What in the fuck?_

"Look," she began through her teeth. "You've been a good friend to me and I really don't wanna get into shit with you right now. If you've got a problem with my...personal life, I can assure you I know what I'm doing."

"Do you?" Luis looked back to her, his brows drawn low over his eyes. 

"Yes."

"Could've fooled me," he grumbled and Shai's palms grew hot. 

"If you've got such a problem with me why don't you just turn around and hightail it back to Griffon Wing?"

She left him with that parting barb and rejoined the less angsty members of her team, her blood boiling. 

"Something happen with Gold Eyes?" Varric asked when she reined Zephyr in beside him. 

"Gold Eyes?" she asked, caught off guard. The dwarf shrugged. 

"Couldn't think of anything better. His eyes are gold, or at least parts of them are. It works."

Shai grunted and nodded in acceptance of the nickname. Great, the jerk was officially accepted by their resident storyteller. _Not that he'd been a jerk the entire time or even really was one_ , she thought. But a prickle bush _was_ up his arse currently and she hoped it dislodged itself soon.

"So," Varric began, laughter in his tone, and from experience Shai knew that whatever was about to follow wasn't going to be good. "You and Cullen? For real? I mean seriously, does no one else see the irony here? Aw c'mon, if you don't tell me I'm just going to have to make it up."

"Varric," Shai said, her mouth stretching into a forced smile. "One more word and not _only_ will I burn your head off, I'll make sure your chest hair goes first."

There was silence after that.

+++++++ 

The Hissing Wastes turned out to be a plethora of more sand (surprising to no one), red Templars, Venatori, and tombs from the blackest reaches of the Void that spawned demons seemingly at random all from lighting a brazier. It took Shai going five rounds with the creatures in just one tomb before she figured out there was a rhyme and reason to lighting the braziers. Still, she preferred the demons to dealing with the poison spitting spiders that skittered across the sands, their eight legs moving madly. She'd never considered herself to have acute arachnophobia before but she definitely knew she had it now.

After one such encounter that left her arm burning from a jet of poison, Shai sunk down onto a partly submerged rock and let her body give way to a bone deep shiver. Maker she hated spiders; she really, really, _really_ hated spiders. As she pressed a small vial of antidote to her lips--Scout Harding had generously provided them all with a large cache of said resource--she looked around the Wastes. 

The sun never rose here it seemed. She didn't understand how that was possible yet in the week they'd been struggling through knee deep sand, stubbing their toes unmercifully on rocks they couldn't see, she had yet to see the golden orb overtake the pale one of the moon. _Just as well_ , she'd thought because the Approach was a merciless bed of heat and the cooler temperature of the Wastes was refreshing.

"Shall we return to camp?" Cassandra asked, sheathing her sword.

"Just give me a minute," Shai said wondering where the Seeker's never ending reserve of energy came from.

"Someone remembered to bring water, right?" Varric asked as he looked from person to person. Luis produced a flask and Varric took the proffered vessel gratefully.

"You know," Bull said. "I think I like it here."

He accompanied his declaration with a great inhale then promptly choked.  

"Sand,"--cough--"went down"--another cough--"the wrong way. But yeah," the Qunari reaffirmed. "I still like it."

"I've seen better," Sera snorted. "Hard not to."

"I'm not moving in, but it's simple. Get up, get to shelter, go to bed. It's a change of pace, you know? Nice and direct."

"Nobles keep sand for their nugs. That's all I see."

"Perhaps I should bring a handful back for Miko then," Shai mused out loud. 

"I'd quite forgotten you kept one," Cassandra said.

"He smells," Sera said with a wrinkle of her nose. "Like smells, smells."

"Is there any other way to smell?" Varric asked.

"He's very fond of you too, Sera," Shai teased and was rewarded with the expected "whatever" from the elf.

"If everyone has regained their breath," Cassandra reminded. "Then perhaps we should return to the forward camp?"

"Lead the way Seeker," Varric said with a wide sweep of his arm. The disgusted noise that came his way got a cheeky grin in return.

Twenty minutes later Shai flopped onto her bedroll and groaned as she stretched out. She was exhausted. Never mind that she had sand in some seriously unsavory places; that could wait until morning, or what passed for morning in the Wastes. Right now she wanted to sleep...but first, food. The campfire was a beacon in the night, its orange and yellow flames causing plays of light over the faces of those gathered around it. A pot of stew sat bubbling, its aroma making Shai's stomach grumble.

"Please tell me that's not more gurn meat in there," Bull groaned as he eyed the dinner.

"I think its ram this time," Varric ascertained with a sniff.

"Blech, I was looking forward to gurn," Sera commented.

"Thank fuck," Bull said, ignoring Sera's protestation. "I couldn't take more of that tough shit. Nearly broke my jaw trying to chew a piece."

"I think the soldier assigned to cook just wasn't all that good at it," Luis said lowly so as not to offend the Inquisition soldiers milling about them.

"Still," Bull stated. "Ram is more than fine with me."

Bowls brimming with the stew were soon passed out and they all fell silent as they ate. Shai's spoon scraped against the bottom of her bowl before she would've liked it to and she guiltily looked at the now empty pot. The soldiers never made enough for seconds, one of the hardships of being on the road, and being at Griffon Wing with doubled serving sizes had made Shai forget about such a fact.

"Let me see that letter again, Cassandra," she said to distract herself from her unhappy stomach. The Seeker passed over the crumpled parchment they'd recovered in the main Venatori camp. Shai smoothed the letter out, her eyes scanning the slanted, cramped handwriting: 

_Fellow Magisters:_

_We have been given a chance to redeem ourselves after one of our own failed Corypheus at Redcliffe. The dwarven relics in the tombs are instructions on recreating the masterpieces of one of their finest Paragons. They are to be excavated, replicated, and brought back for study. The Elder One is generous to let us prove our worth. We cannot disappoint Him._

_Do not spare the slaves. Speed is crucial to our success. Let us set an example to the rest of the Venatori, Mages, and commoners both, with our obedience to the Elder One's will._

_Overseer Jullex_

Shai read the letter over twice before closing her fist around the parchment. She'd be damned if she could see through the Venatori's excavation plans to what their ultimate goal was. All she could say with certainty was that it wasn't a good idea for Corypheus to get his hands on anything, especially anything ancient. If being the Inquisitor had taught her anything it was that there was danger in things that had laid buried for centuries.

"Hey."

She looked up to see Luis standing in front of her. His gaze was guarded as if he expected her to rebuff his greeting. Shai stubbornly sealed her lips and stared him down. She wasn't exactly over his earlier insinuations that she was allowing Cullen to walk all over her. There were things going on that weren't for anyone else's knowledge and she didn't need to explain that to Luis. He either trusted her judgement or he didn't, and he'd flat out said the latter.

"I was uh wondering if we could talk..."

When Shai remained speechless he started to shift awkwardly beneath her scrutiny.

"Unless you're um unless you don't want to..."

Shai sighed and pushed to her feet, but she made a show of doing so as if Luis were inconveniencing her. He, to his credit, looked properly abashed and dropped his gaze. She led them some feet away and, when she was confident they wouldn't be overheard, turned to face him with crossed arms. Luis seemed to realize that she wasn't going to speak until some move on his part and he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry for um for what I said earlier."

Shai raised an eyebrow and he cleared his throat a second time before continuing.

"I was out of line. That wasn't...appropriate to say, especially not to you. You've given me a purpose with the Inquisition and...and I just _hate_ seeing people I care about be hurt is all. I remembered how you were when the two of you--the Commander and you, I mean--weren't speaking and I wouldn't want you to go through that again."

Luis's words were sincere and his apology made Shai draw a blank for a few beats. She had expected him to clear the air between them eventually but she had expected an embarrassed "I'm sorry" and not a full out heart-to-heart. But she appreciated the words and when he started to again squirm beneath her scrutiny, she realized she was frowning at him rather steadfastly and relaxed her expression.

"Thank you," she said simply, reaching out to squeeze his arm briefly. Luis's shoulders relaxed a great deal and the breath he'd been holding whooshed from his lungs. He offered a tentative smile and Shai returned it. She knew emotions had been running high during the past days and she of all people could understand a poorly timed outburst. They made their way back to the campfire and sat down side-by-side. Varric was in the middle of a joke and, as Shai leaned back on her elbows, she couldn't help feeling that for now all was right with the world.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, just for my own personal amusement (and I know this is pretty far fetched), do any of my dear readers happen to be attending Indiana University where yours truly is currently stationed? I just thought of this the other day and wanted to see ^.^


	49. Of Stolen Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling generous and I also finished this faster than I thought so have another chapter a day late :)

He watched them return from the battlements of Griffon Wing. This was one of those rare times he could actually be there to welcome the Inquisitor's party home. Normally he was holed up in his office, so buried beneath work that he tended to tune out the bugle blasts indicating riders approaching. But not today. Today he watched the team of six cross the sands of the Approach and enter the Keep after more than a month of being gone.

He was down from the battlements in record time, only slowing to a walk when he crossed over into the masses awaiting the Inquisitor's return. It wouldn't do for him to be running like there was a fire somewhere. He was still the Commander, his liaisons aside. Not that Shai was a liaison; what he wanted her to be was so much more. But as he'd cautioned himself on their reunion, he couldn't put the horse before the cart and overstep a boundary.

"Open the gates!"

The call rang out into the heated air and their was a great grinding as Griffon Wing's portcullis was raised. Shai and her team rode through a minute later, their horse's hooves clicking against the stone of the courtyard. His eyes coursed over her body as she swung down from Zephyr looking for any hitch in her stride, any visible injury. When Cullen found none, he let go the breath he hadn't been aware he'd been holding. Maker, he needed to get a grip on himself.

Shai exchanged words with Luis Madrigal, who had ridden in next to her, and a muscle in Cullen's jaw ticked when the boy laid his hand upon Shai's shoulder. _Easy does it_ , he cautioned. The offending appendage was removed after a few beats but it was replaced with a warm smile from Luis and Cullen swallowed the wrong way watching the boy's face light up. Because truly, Luis Madrigal was nothing more than a boy; he was much too puppyish looking for Cullen to consider him a man. He obstinately refused to acknowledge that had Shai and Luis not struck up a friendship that irked him, he probably would have no such opinion about them.

"My, my, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today," Dorian teased as he came to stand beside Cullen. The Tevinter's arm was in a sling while it finished healing although the impediment hadn't seemed to immensely dampen Dorian's spirits. Cullen only frowned deeper at the other man's words and bit his tongue to keep back a retort that no doubt would give both he and Shai away. He wasn't stupid to the fact that their argument at Adamant had definitely been overheard, but no one could say for certain what was between the Inquisitor and Commander and he liked it that way for now. He could do without knowing smiles and winks and other semblances of teasing.

"She does look ravishing, doesn't she?" Dorian continued, unperturbed by the lack of answer. "All that sun and sand did wonders for her complexion. Oh and is that red in her hair? Hmm, I've never noticed such highlights before but my, they are pretty in the sunlight. I bet she smells wonderful, all fresh from the road."

Cullen's spine straightened at the Tevinter Mage's tone and he resolutely did not turn his head to look in the other man's direction. It was because of this that he missed the smirk that cut a wide swatch beneath Dorian's mustache and had Cullen observed it, he might've been better prepared for what came next.

"I bet Luis Madrigal thinks all those things. He is undeniably handsome. Shame that his eyes are only for our dear Inquisi--"

Cullen stalked towards Shai and Luis, ignoring the chuckle that followed in his wake. Maker, Dorian could talk the ears off a donkey! And where did he get off making such insinuations? Didn't he know that Shai wasn't returning Luis's...affections because she and Cullen were...were...well, were something! If Cullen had paused to actually think through Dorian's pithy comments, he might've understood that the Mage was only testing the waters and confirming suspicions...and also poking the bear so to speak because Dorian thought it delicious to watch Cullen flush in embarrassment. 

"Inquisitor."

Shai turned at his voice and the smile he was expecting to cross her features didn't. Instead she regarded him with calm familiarity, her face a mask of politeness. Cullen wasn't good at reading people, never had been. Thus he was confused as to whether something was amiss or whether she was simply keeping their private life private. But the way her eyes appraised him quelled any doubts and he wet his lips instead of letting a telling grin spread across them.  

"Commander," she returned, her voice steady. 

"How were the Wastes?"

"They were well. We cleared the residing Venatori from the area and retrieved some information. I think Leliana would probably like a look at it."

"I'll have a man take it to her." Cullen gestured to a nearby soldier and when the Inquisitor handed off a few reams of parchment, the man saluted and disappeared in search of the Spymaster. 

"We pushed on to the Oasis," Shai continued. She absently brushed a few strands of hair away from her eyes and Cullen had the impulse to reach out and do it for her.

"Anything of note?"

"More Venatori," Shai said with a shake of her head. "One giant, lots of shards, some temples. The usual in a day's work."

"And no injuries?" Cullen was quick to ask. 

Shai gave a small smile and another head shake. "None."

"Very good," he replied, his voice dropping a few octaves unconsciously.

He realized he was leaning towards Shai when the Seeker's abrupt throat clearing brought his attention to the warrior. Her dark eyes gave nothing away but they alit in turn on both Commander and Inquisitor. Shai stepped back from him and put a proper amount of space between their bodies.

"If you don't mind, Commander, I would have a word with you."

"Of course Seeker," Cullen said, a little perturbed he was being drug away from Shai. "I'm glad you've returned Inquisitor. The Keep is happy to have you back."

_As am I_ , but he didn't give voice to the last part. Shai dipped her head and turned to gather Zephyr's reins. She started to lead the large bay towards the stables, which were, in actuality, falling down but still useable. Cullen watched her go, his eyes tracking her progress across the courtyard. It was only when Cassandra cleared her throat again that he remembered he had business.

"Shall we adjourn to my office?" He asked politely. A room had been set up for his temporary visit and filled with a desk and chairs. The former was stocked with an inkwell and parchment and he'd been in the middle of scratching his signature onto a report when the Inquisitor's return had pulled him from his work. Cassandra shook her head and said a few words to an Inquisition soldier who had appeared beside the Seeker. She handed over the reins of her mount and the soldier lead the horse away. 

"Perhaps a walk on the battlements instead," she suggested and Cullen nodded his agreement. 

The two ascended nearby stairs and started down the length of walkway that topped Griffon Wing's walls. He was beginning to wonder just what it was Cassandra needed to discuss with him when they passed two soldiers, the way cleared on both sides of them, and the Seeker whirled to face him. 

"So...you and the Inquisitor," she began. Cullen swallowed audibly and the Seeker's eyebrow raised at the sound. "Then its true?"

"Parts of it," he said, almost sounding breathless.

"The way Varric tells it, _all_ of it is true."

"That loud mouthed dwarf." Cullen swore none too quietly and ran a hand through his hair. "Whatever he thinks he knows, it isn't right."

"So you and the Inquisitor, there is nothing between you?"

"There--" Cullen debated lying to Cassandra but one look into her dark shrewd eyes had him coming clean, or as clean as his pride would allow him--"There may be a certain...attraction there."

"And this attraction, where is it headed?"

"Truthfully? I don't know."

"Do you wish to be married at some point?"

Cullen jerked. "That ahem that is a far step."

"But is it in the future?"

"What's with the interrogation," he challenged, more than a little uncomfortable with the conversation and wanting to draw it to a close.

"No interrogation, Commander," the Seeker placated. "I only wished to see whether there was any truth behind the rumors I heard on our way to the Wastes. The Inquisitor certainly seemed...unsettled at the comments she received."

_Oh sweet Maker_...Had Shai spent that long, long, _long_ ride to the Wastes being peppered with intrusive questions and speculation? He swore when he saw that storytelling dwarf again he was going to--

"Before you fly off the handle." Cassandra interrupted his plans of murder. "The curiosity has been laid to rest for the time being. But I thought to warn you that it will resurface again soon. I have no express interest in your private life. I only sought to assure that it remains private until the time either you or the Inquisitor wishes to make it otherwise."

Cullen nodded gratefully at the Seeker's guarding of his affairs. "Thank you Cassandra."

"What we do with our time behind closed doors is not the business of others," she said with a shrug and a look down to the courtyard.

Cullen followed her gaze, saw it glance over one of his senior lieutenants, raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.  

++++

Three hours after her return Shai hastened in the direction of Cullen's office. She bypassed soldiers and other occupants of the Keep, nodding hello to all before continuing on her way. She had a pretty decent idea of what Cassandra had needed to discuss with Cullen and she hoped he wasn't steeping in a personal pool of embarrassment. If he was she was going to pull him from it so they could go visit a different pool, technically a river.

She remembered how inviting the clear waters of the river that snaked through a small canyon had looked to her overheated body. She doubted anyone would miss the Commander or Inquisitor if they were to sneak away for an hour or two. She could really do with a nice soak and get rid of the month's worth of grime that had accumulated on her skin, under her nails, and in her curly tresses.

She lifted an arm and sniffed experimentally; yeah, her armor and clothing could do with a sound scrub as well. She stunk like horse and sweat and battle. Not exactly the most enticing aroma. Her nose wrinkled as she wondered whether Cullen had caught such a stench when he'd been talking with her upon her return. She hoped not; gassing a lover to death wasn't exactly a way to inspire affection. 

The door to Cullen's office loomed before her and she paused. Should she risk disturbing him and pulling him away from his work? If he was still buried beneath details of Adamant, which she knew he more than likely was, then he probably wasn't going to appreciate her interrupting. Still, like the Seeker, she needed a word with the Commander albeit hers were on a more personal level.

She was knocking before she knew it and she waited, twisting her fingers together, for an answer. 

"Slide any reports that need my attention under the door, soldier," came the response and Shai's mouth screwed into a knot. Ok, so maybe now wasn't the best time. Still she cleared her throat in preparation for speaking. 

"Its um its me...the Inquisitor..." 

_Of course he knows its you, no one else in this blasted institution sounds like you_. There was the sound of a chair scraping, boots crossing the floor, and then the door opened before her to reveal Cullen. He was without his armor and the shirt he wore beneath the steel was sticking to his body in places. Shai licked her lips unconsciously as she perused the clear muscles of his chest hidden beneath the thin fabric. _Some people should never wear a shirt_ , she thought absently and then promptly flushed.  

_See, this is why you need to talk to him and find common ground_ , she chastised herself. _Not everything can be sexy time all the time_. Sexy time? She frowned at her wording. Where had that particular vernacular come from?

"Inquisitor?...Shai?"

Her name was said so lowly compared to her title, like Cullen wasn't really sure whether he should be calling her that when they weren't alone just the two of them. She locked eyes with him, battening down the hatches of her mind so she could speak and function like a normal human being.

"Sorry, I think the sun's getting to me," she apologized lamely. Cullen squinted up at the fiery orb high in the Approach sky and stepped back from the doorway, motioning her inside.

"Perhaps you'd do to get out of it then."

"Actually," she began and squirmed where she stood. "I was thinking we could spend some more time in it?"

Cullen frowned and she could hear the wheels turning in his mind. 

"You want to...stay in the sun? Despite the fact its giving you problems?"

"Yes, I mean no." Shai took a breath and pitched her idea. "There's a river not too far from here. Really a short ride. I was thinking that maybe we could sneak away for a bit?"

Cullen's lips pursed and his brows drew down over his eyes. She rushed to cover her tracks. 

"But we don't have to. I mean, you're probably really busy, like really, really busy. And I probably have stuff I could be doing since, you know, we're heading back to Skyhold soon and going through the Exalted Plains. Which I should probably prep for that and--"

"Give me two minutes," Cullen said, effectively ending her blabbering. He left her on the threshold and returned to his desk. She watched as papers were knocked into order and other affairs were straightened. He was back by her side within the allotted time period he'd given himself and started shepherding her away from his office, the door closing behind them. 

"But wait, are you sure? If you've got work to do--"

"Inquisitor," Cullen said and his hand found its way to the small of her back. She couldn't repress a small shiver at the contact. "I think I'll be able to step away for a bit. The infrastructure of the Inquisition will not fall down at my absence."

+++++++

"Ahhhhhh."

Shai couldn't stop the sound from escaping her lips as she sank into the river. She ducked beneath the surface spontaneously and remained in the silent depths for as long as her lungs would sustain her. When she emerged, she shook droplets from her hair, passing a hand over her face to clear her eyes of the liquid. Cullen stood waist deep near the shore, his clothes--and hers--left in an unorganized heap on the bank. 

Shai took a minute to let her eyes course over his torso, over the broad shoulders, the pectorals and biceps toned from so much hand to hand combat, the abdominals that looked to be perfectly cut into his body. A heat filled her and she swam towards him, catching his hands in hers. 

"You're missing the best part," she chided and drew him into deeper water. He chuckled as he let go of her to stroke through the river on his own. Shai switched onto her back, floating contentedly in the ripples that brushed against her body from Cullen's movements. 

"This is nice." 

His voice came right by her ear as his arms slid around her and drew her back against his chest. He was getting bolder in his touch of her; that much was clear and she relished the transformation. She covered his hands with hers where they rested just beneath her breasts, his fingers splayed over her ribcage.

"We found it our first day out here," Shai said indicating the river. She let her head fall back and rest on Cullen's shoulder. His lips were almost immediately on the expanse of neck she exposed, drifting in soft kisses over her skin.

"Its a good thing you did," he murmured lowly as his mouth continued to traverse. He got down to the top of her collar bone then changed direction and retraced his path. "This is a nice diversion."

Shai emitted a shaky breath as his teeth nipped at her neck. The heat within her had ratcheted up a couple degrees and she squeezed her thighs together to try and contain the wanting throbbing through her core. _This isn't what you brought him here for_ , she reminded herself. _You need to talk not fuck_. She pushed gently away from Cullen's embrace, swiveling to face him. He had a half smirk on his mouth, which lengthened his scar, and she had the overwhelming urge to press her mouth against the white line and mold her body against his. But she held back, pushing down her sudden spike of lust.

"I um I wanted to uhhhhh..." She looked away from the Commander down to the side at the river around them. Idly she played with the water, moving her hand back and forth in the depths. "I uh was hoping we could talk some things over."

When she looked back at him, the smirk was gone and in its place was a guarded expression.

"What about?" Cullen asked. She watched his hands go to settle on the pommel of his sword, freeze when they realized said pommel wasn't available, then resign themselves to hanging loosely by his sides.

"Us, if there is an us. I just--" she took a deep breath and decided now or never. "We don't know each other very well. I mean, physically yeah but mentally...not so much. And I like you, I um, think that much is clear. So I want to get to know you because when this whole thing is over um, well, yeah..."

She trailed off because she didn't know where to go from there. She didn't know what would happen when this whole thing was over, when the Inquisition's purpose was fulfilled. She wasn't a seer or a mystic, she couldn't read the stars and assure a solid future. What she could do was try and pave the way in the present, what she did know was that she'd like to get a better perspective on the man sharing her bed because he was very much on the precipice of becoming something more solid in her life than just a lover.

"That sounds...reasonable," Cullen said after a few beats. His guarded expression had relaxed and it looked almost open now. "I suppose I could say the same thing about you. I don't know much besides how much of a hot head you can be."

Shai flicked a handful of water into his face and he sputtered appropriately as he cleared his eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling his gaze follow the movement as it pushed her breasts higher. Being naked together in a river hadn't been the best venue for this kind of discussion and she presently realized that big hole in her logic. But they were both adults--most of the time--they could do this and be professional about it.

"What's your favorite color?"

"My favorite color?" Cullen asked. "Orange," he said after a few beats.

"Orange?"

"Yes...orange."

"Why?"

He shrugged making the water around him ripple. "I like it. Its happy. What's yours?"

"Blue," she answered without hesitation.

"Why?" He echoed her question with a smile.

"Its the color of the ocean," Shai replied. "Its calming."

"You like the ocean?"

"Love it," she corrected with a grin.

"Tell me what else you love," he asked softly.

They passed the next two hours trading information. When one would ask a question, the other would answer it and then tack on something they were curious about. By that means, Shai came up with a tentative list about Cullen's personality:

\- He had an incurable sweet tooth first and foremost. In fact, it was so bad that Skyhold's robust, no nonsense cook had taken to sneaking a platter of goodies to the Inquisition's hardworking Commander after hours, remarking that he was looking to peakish for his own good. (Shai made a mental note to speak to said cook and figure out how such an arrangement might come her way).

\- He was all parts claustrophobic. (She acknowledged that explained the ever present hole in his roof). 

\- His favorite place was the country, preferably around farmland. He longed for the calm and serenity that came from being far from any major town or city. He longed for simplicity. 

\- He and his brother had sometimes been mistaken for twins in their younger days. As they grew older, the differences in their physical makeup became more apparent and the label fell to the wayside. 

\- He'd harbored a secret desire to learn how to cook for himself for years. But with his position as Commander, there wasn't much time. (Shai made a silent vow to pull him into Skyhold's kitchens for an impromptu lesson one day). 

\- He was ticklish over his hip bones and nowhere else. She knew this because she'd tried avidly after he'd confessed that piece of information, convinced he was lying to save himself. He was telling the truth. 

\- He enjoyed having his hair played with. He hadn't actually owned up to it but Shai had stroked her fingers across his scalp and gotten the same pleasurable reaction from him enough times while they floated in the middle of the river to draw a solid conclusion.

\- He hadn't learned how to sit a horse until he'd joined the Templars. On his farm he'd been a little wary of the great, snorting beasts and hadn't wanted to risk a broken neck. 

\- He had broken his arm, his wrist, and one rib in his thirty years. The arm was as a child, the wrist as a teenager, and the rib came during the chaos in Kirkwall. 

\- He was closest to his oldest sister out of all his siblings. (Shai had the desperate urge to meet the rest of the Rutherford clan, especially the brother he'd claimed to resemble so much in his youth).

\- He was loyal to a fault to those he loved. He was a type of quiet strong. He observed much and sometimes said little in return. He had a very dry sense of humor, one that snuck up on you so you couldn't quite be certain whether he'd said something funny or not in the first place. 

\- He liked her...a lot. 

++++

When they finally climbed from the river, both of their fingers were prune like and waterlogged. Cullen used his shirt to dry off and eyed Shai as she bent to retrieve her clothing from the ground. His gaze coursed over her smooth expanse of brown skin and he tried to drink in every curve, every contour. He hadn't had a chance to really study her yet and he wanted to, badly, in the current moment. But they needed to return to the Keep before they were too much missed and so he focused on dressing himself. 

When his breeches were once more snug around his hips, his boots situated on his feet, and his shirt covering his torso, he looked to where their horses grazed on what sparse bits of grass grew in the Approach. The sun had started to sink a little lower in the sky and he was grateful for the reduction in heat. A small breeze blew through the canyon in which they stood and it raised delicious goosebumps over his cooled skin.

"Should we get the horses?" Shai asked and he couldn't resist reaching out to draw her to him. She came easily and he set his lips upon hers in a slow, almost chaste, kiss. He felt lighter, as if he'd shed some stress in the river along with the residual dirt that was a casualty of living in the Approach. Shai hummed and he grinned against her mouth. 

"Thank you for this," he murmured quietly before he pulled away. Her pale green eyes blinked lazily up at him and her fingers caressed his biceps as she continued to hold onto him. 

"For dragging you out here and interrogating you?" She joked. He snorted and pressed a kiss to her forehead, inhaling the smell of her. 

"Yes, for that." 

It hadn't been all her interrogating him anyways. He'd gotten in his fair share of questions as well (though he naturally still had more) and learned an equal amount of information about Shai in return for that which she'd learned about him. It had been enlightening on both sides and he felt closer to the woman he'd begun to develop a deeper connection with. His hands flexed where they rested against her lower back and she smiled up at him. He liked their height difference; she fit perfectly in his arms, her head coming to rest just close enough to his mouth that he could press his lips against her hair.

"We should head back."

"We should."

Neither of them moved. He dipped his head again and she met him halfway, her mouth opening beneath his this time. It was a few minutes before they came up for air and gave each other sheepish, heated grins. They couldn't risk starting anything here; they'd never get back to the Keep until long after night had fallen. And then their absence would definitely be noted and definitely remarked upon. 

Still, he couldn't resist bringing his hand up to brush lightly against her neck before capturing one of her damp curls in his fingers and drawing the tress out. It straightened then sprung immediately back into formation and he felt his lips quirk at the movement. He did it again and then a third time, losing himself in the way the curl stretched then retracted. It was only Shai clearing her throat that broke his concentration and he felt himself blush; it was starting to become so easy with her. 

"I had fun," she said. 

"So did I." 

"I didn't get to ask all my questions though."

"Oh?" He was hoping she'd have more; if she had more she'd spend more alone time with him.

"Not even close. I expect we'll have to continue this on the way to the Exalted Plains."

"I expect we will. I daresay we can't have you in the dark about my character." 

"It would be most unfortunate," Shai agreed and stretched onto her tip toes to place a quick kiss on the tip of his nose. He wrinkled the object of her affection and her soft laugh made warmth unfurl inside his chest. _This could work_ , he thought. _This could absolutely work. It feels right, it feels so perfectly right_. And for once he didn't wonder whether she was feeling the same way. They were in mid-stride, heading towards the horses, when Shai pulled up abruptly.

"What is it?"

"That cave! Remember? I wanted to see what was inside before we left."

Cullen shook his head but let Shai tow him back towards the cave opening. It was just big enough he could enter without having to stoop and he fancied that if the Iron Bull had been with them, the qunari would've had to crawl his way in.

"Its a little dark in here," he remarked, almost to himself, and Shai obligingly lit a small flame in her hand. The flickering light made shadows dance across the cave walls and Cullen kept his senses on the lookout for any movement that would mean danger. He'd left his sword--along with her staff--back by the horses. _What did she tell you all those months ago? A Mage is never defenseless?_   He relaxed a bit at that remembrance but still remained vigilant. At last the cave opened into a small room. A stream of sunlight poured in through a hole far up in the cave's ceiling and Shai let the flame in her palm go out.

"Hmm," she said, a disappointed sound to her voice. "Thought there'd be more in here. Guess we can go on back n--wait, what's that?"

Cullen had already turned towards the cave's entrance and had to come full circle back around. Shai was holding a raggedy piece of parchment in her hands and he wondered how she was able to make out any writing on it as her eyes scanned rapidly back and forth. Something in the air changed in the next minute and Cullen's brows drew into a frown. Shai had seemed to freeze in place, her shoulders tensing, her hands gripping the parchment a little tighter.

"Shai?" He ventured, questioning and concern evident in his tone. She didn't look up at him and he had to call her name again before she would meet his eye. "What is it?"

By way of response she held the parchment out to him. He took it after a beat and angled his body towards the light coming from the cave's roof to better make out the smudged writing.

 _We know they were here. They put up those awful statues of Andraste looking snobbish everywhere they go--not much of a secret location. We know they found a way to reverse tranquility..._  

Cullen stopped reading having come to the point that had obviously upset Shai so visibly. He held the parchment in his hand and let it fall down to his side. 

"Shai--"

"We should get back," she interrupted smoothly and softly. Her eyes were downcast and he felt a sudden panic that she had yet to look at him again. 

"Wait." His hand on her shoulder stopped her as she tried to walk past him. She looked up at him and he found he couldn't get a single sentence across to her. He was, in his entirety, at a loss for words. The hand that wasn't on her shoulder flexed at his side as he scrounged for something to say. 

"Its not your fault," Shai murmured. The smile she offered was shaky and small, but it stayed. "I kinda always had my suspicions it wasn't permanent, you know? There were always rumors in the Circle...I guess its kinda a far fetched dream to hope that at least some of the tranquil Mages might get brought out of it at some point..."

Cullen's mouth opened and closed twice, three times before he shut it permanently and just nodded. He tensed in surprise as Shai wound her fingers through his and gave his hand a squeeze. They exited the cave side by side. 


	50. The Exalted Plains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So not much action here #sorrynotsorry I just wanted some good old fashioned fluff. This also reads like a bunch of one shots, again #sorrynotsorry I'm not a huge fan of the Exalted Plains. I am, however, sorry for the big delay in posting, things happened and I was also out of the country for break. 
> 
> And if you'd all be ever so kind, pour a good one out for a friend of mine, she was worth it <3

Shai staggered back into camp almost too exhausted to keep putting one foot in front of the other. She was caked from head to toe in dust and ash and demon blood and her mouth was as dry as the Exalted Plains were desolate. She imagined that several hundred years ago, before the elves were defeated in the march, the Plains might indeed have lived up to their name. Or at the very least they wouldn't have been filled with so many dead and dying everywhere, with so much more of the former. And the smell...

It had been most prolific around the ruined ramparts they'd liberated from the re-animated bodies that swarmed them. She'd had to draw the front of her shroud up over her nose and mouth just to keep from vomiting. Her eyes had watered so profusely she'd looked like she'd been ceaselessly crying the entire time she and her team had been patrolling the Plains. 

They'd been up since shortly after dawn and it was now past dusk that they were trooping back to food and beds, and then tomorrow they'd get up and do it all over again. Shai raised her hand to rub an itch from beneath her nose and gritted her teeth at the dull flare of pain that shot through her shoulder. One of the many blasted arcane horrors they'd encountered had gotten the jump on them. They'd been finishing up with the last pit of bodies to burn in the western ramparts when a horror had materialized with a massive barrage of spirit energy.

Shai--the only one facing the direction of the creature--had immediately set herself in the way and prevented Solas from getting obliterated off the face of Thedas. Of course all she'd gotten in the way of thank you's was an arm that looked outwardly undamaged but felt like it was encased in an inferno. Solas had performed some sort of ward on it and declared she'd last until they got back to camp. And they'd returned to the Inquisition's temporary abode not a minute too soon.

"Careful milady."

Blackwall caught Shai when she pitched forward, stumbling on something her eyes were too drained to pick out in the increasing dark.

"Thanks," she mumbled.  

"You should probably get to the healer's tent," the Warden said lowly. Shai nodded blearily. She didn't feel like sitting on a stool and letting the healer fuss over her but if she didn't her arm would only get worse. 

She parted from her team and, with a tired sigh, headed towards the healer's small tent. She was in and out within ten minutes, a potion clutched in one hand. She brought the small vial to her lips and tugged the stopper from the neck with a twist of her teeth. She spat the cork away into the dark and tipped her head back. The potion was thick and gloopy and she screwed her eyes shut tight as her throat contracted to swallow the brew. Just once she wished the things the healer's proscribed could taste halfway decent.

The interior of her tent was welcoming, lit as it was by a candle burning softly on a small table. She stopped just before she fell onto her cot. It wouldn't do to sully her blankets and then have to sleep on the mess for the duration of her time in the Plains. No, better to strip off everything even though she fancied she'd end up face down on the ground if she waited much longer to take her rest.

With the uncoordinated finesse of the sleep deprived, she shucked her armor and leathers. Last to go was the brace she wore constantly on her left arm when in the field. The steel and strappings clung stubbornly to her limb and she snarled as she tried to undo the contraption.

"Need some help?"

She swung about slowly, blinking owlishly, eyes burning. Cullen stood just inside her tent, clad in simple shirt and breeches. Purple circles were vivid beneath his eyes and lines bracketed his mouth. Shai surmised that if he were to roll around in the dirt for a bit then they would resemble each other rather closely for how bone-deep exhausted he looked. Wordlessly she held out her arm and he closed the distance between them. She watched his practiced fingers undo the leather straps that spanned the underside of her arm. A memory came unbidden to her and she snorted softly.

"Something funny?"

"Just remembering the last time one of us offered to help the other with their armor."

Cullen paused in his task and his head came up. His eyes clouded as he mentally fell back through time, then cleared. He smiled but the expression was tight around the edges like it was taking some effort to produce.

"How could I forget," he said softly and removed the last of the straps. The brace lifted from her person and Shai breathed a sigh of relief as she flexed her arm, enjoying the freedom of it.  

"Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"You look tired."

"I'm afraid I'm quite literally dead on my feet."

"Yet you snuck into my tent."

"I wanted to make sure you returned in one piece." He allowed a finger to raise and trail softly over her cheek. Shai leaned into the gesture. 

"All my bits are here," she confirmed. 

"Thank the Maker. I took some men out not long after you left and I can confidently say there isn't much that's exalted about this place."

"I was thinking the same thing," Shai replied, the last of her words jumbled by a yawn. 

"You need to rest," Cullen said though it came out less of a suggestion and more of a command, but a caring one. She nodded once, twice, and found her head failed to cease the motion. Her eyes started to drift shut and she had to consciously open them and stop her bobbing cranium. Andraste's fiery tits, she was about to fall asleep on her feet.

"Come," he stated and led her to her cot as if she wouldn't be able to reach it on her own despite it being less than two feet away. Shai sank gratefully onto the thin, makeshift bed; to her it felt as grand as a feather mattress. Cullen reached and pulled the woolen blanket up over her shoulders. He was bending to blow out the candle when she snaked a hand out and grasped his wrist. 

"Stay?" She asked quietly, eyes slitted and barely open. Cullen paused and regarded her. He swayed slightly on his feet. 

"I don't think there's much room."

"Can make some," she mumbled and scooted over to free up a half of the cot. It was a space barely large enough for her own body, let alone that of a full grown man, but Cullen seemed accepting of it. He acquiesced to her wish and stripped off his boots. His warmth encased her as he situated himself the best he could on a structure made strictly for one person.

Shai rolled and snuggled against him, relishing the feel of his chest against her back, his arm slung over her waist, his knees bent behind her own. His breath tickled her ear as he exhaled and she shivered. 

"Are you comfortable?" He nearly whispered. "I can return to my own tent if you're not?"

"I'm fine," she assured and linked her fingers with his. She squeezed his hand and he returned the gesture. Cullen cursed softly and she turned her head slightly to look at him. 

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Forgot the candle," he explained. The soft glow of it still illuminated the inside of the tent. Shai chuckled sleepily and did a small wave of her fingers. The candle winked out and they were in darkness. 

"Mage, remember?" She reminded.

Cullen's lips pressed to her head in a kiss. He made a small noise in answer to her question and his fingers flexed where they intertwined with hers.

"Goodnight," she whispered, already slipping from consciousness.

His barely audible reply was the last thing she heard before sleep claimed her.

+++++++

"Sorry bastards."

Shai felt the same way as Blackwall looking at all the bodies before them. Blood spread over the ground of Citadelle du Corbeau, congealing and drying in patches. Fat flies swarmed over corpses. The dry heat of the Plains seemed even worse in this place of death than before and Shai swallowed down the bile that rose to coat the back of her throat.

"They should have proper burial," the solemn Warden continued.

Shai made a face and nodded; they should, but there was too little time and many bodies. The dead would be left to the open the way so many were in this war. 

"This citadel, stronghold for Celene's forces?...Or was...," Blackwall continued lowly. 

"If there are any left, we should see to their safety," Solas stated practically. He looked nonplussed despite the smell wafting over them from the many corpses. His hands wrapped steadily around his staff and he leaned on the weapon as one would a walking stick.

"Those look promising." Cassandra gestured with her sword arm to a set of large wooden doors. Wrought iron metal snaked over their fronts and two braziers burned on either side. 

"Worth a shot," Shai mumbled. She stepped over the bodies in her way as she wove her way to the door. She planted her hands against the frames and pushed. Nothing happened and she sighed. Her head dropped forward, hanging between her hunched shoulders. Her leathers and armor were covered with soot and blood and grime from their fight through the citadel and its inconvenient defenses. Undead had popped up at every turn accompanied a few times by some arcane horrors. And then there had been a massive fire tornado to deal with and it had all been a rather taxing effort just to find a set of locked doors at the very end. 

"Perhaps a solution lies up there."

Shai looked over her shoulder to where Solas headed towards a ladder. The elven Mage grasped the rungs and climbed, disappearing from sight at the top. A loud grating sounded soon after and Shai felt the doors shift beneath her palms. The heavy wood swung inward without anymore ceremony and she stepped back from the newly revealed opening. She blinked at the gloom just beyond, trying to make out anything past the first set of braziers that flickered in the sudden draft of outside air.

"Who's there?! Don't come any closer, we have swords!" The voice was high pitched and wary, panic evident in its current.

"Well we also have swords," Blackwall rumbled. "And we have the Inquisitor. So I'd say you'd better put yours down."

"The Inquisitor?! Here?!"

Shai tried very hard--and promptly failed--not to roll her eyes at the exclamation. Why was it that her presence was so unbelievable every time? As if she were some mythical creature that no one had ever glimpsed before...She was everywhere at once for Maker's sake! She should be a household commodity by this point in time.

"Forgive me, Inquisitor. I should have recognized you."

The dim interior finally became visible and Shai watched a man in Orlesian armor open the gate that had been between them this entire time. He wore a helmet that covered his entire face and she found the visage carved into the steel to be rather disconcerting. She thought she could feel his eyes upon her but couldn't make heads or tails of if they actually were or not.

"Who are you, soldier?" She asked.

"One of Commander Jehan's, Lieutenant Vance, Inquisitor. She is just inside. S'il vous plait, if you will..." Vance stepped away from the open gate and gestured. Shai walked past him with her team close behind. They descended into what looked and felt like some sort of store room that had been cleared in a great hurry. Barrels and discarded furniture had been shoved against the walls to make room for sword racks and armor stands. Torches in sconces replaced what braziers might have lit the room and the flames flickered wildly, casting shadows all around. 

Orlesian soldiers stood about in pairs and trios. Some of them turned at the Inquisition's arrival but most seemed oblivious to the new guests. Shai cleared her throat experimentally when it was clear that Lieutenant Vance wasn't coming away from his gate watching duties to present them to his superior. 

"Commander Jehan?" She ventured tentatively. No soldiers nearby perked up at the title but an armored body detached itself from where it had been leaning against a wall and came to stand before them.

"I am she, in service of her Imperial Majesty. Long may she reign. "

Shai opened and closed her mouth at the greeting; had news of Celene's death not reached this group of her own soldiers?

"Umm, how long have you been locked in here exactly?"

"The weeks have been hard to count," Jehan answered with a small shrug. "We were set upon by the undead and lost too many trying to fight them back. We were cornered here and found this room to be the safest place to remain. We were awaiting reinforcements or, in our wildest dreams, rescue. And now it appears you have brought that to us."

"The citadel's defenses have been turned off and the undead have been beaten back," Shai explained, not adding  _for now_ onto the end of her sentence _._

"Merveilleux, that is good news indeed. I cannot thank you enough for this liberation. I will send a missive to her Imperial Majesty at once. We have lost contact with her and I'm sure she would like to know that some of this battalion have survived."

Shai could only nod and smile mechanically. She had neither the desire nor the energy to break it to Commander Jehan that Empress Celene was dead, murdered by her own cousin. Better for the Commander to find out on her own, and find out she would. Gaspard's men were everywhere within the Plains. The news would not remain parted from Jehan's ears for long. 

"I should be going..." Shai began; her mind was too exhausted to drum up formal exits and it seemed that their work was done here for the moment. "The bridge to the mainland has been repaired by my forces. You and your men will be able to find safe passage across." 

"Merci, Inquisitor. May the Maker walk with you."

Shai bobbed her head in acceptance of the blessing and she and her team left Jehan. They passed back by Vance and then were once more in the open with the smells of rotting bodies circulating through their nostrils. 

+++++++

Camp was quiet by the time they rode in. Night had fallen as they'd been clearing the last of an abandoned village of demons. Tomorrow they'd push on through the recently cleared grotto Inquisition soldiers had been working on all day. Shai hoped that whatever lay on the other side would be somewhat of a change of scenery. She was overly tired of flat plains of dried grass, patches of burning land, and dust as far as the eye could see.

"Goodnight," she said to her team as they came into the center of the camp. Cassandra was the only one to give an actual word back in reply; Blackwall grunted something that could have been "night" and Solas remained silent as ever though Shai swore she could feel his eyes on her back. She headed towards her tent--separated from the rest by only a few feet--then changed her mind and her direction. Her feet took her into a similarly distanced structure diagonally from hers. 

"Cullen?"

The inside of his tent was dim. No candle or lamp burned. The night had taken the temperature of the Plains down a tad but it was still far from cool and Cullen's lodgings were muggy.

"Cullen?"

Shai squinted as she searched the interior. It wasn't big enough to hide a person--especially not one of the Commander's stature--but she was having a hard time finding him. A retch assaulted her ears and her attention was drawn to the corner.

"Cullen?"

He was hunched over on hands and knees. His shoulders shook as he retched again. Shai was by his side instantly, one hand pressed between his shoulder blades the other supporting herself against the ground.

"Go 'way," Cullen muttered before another retch took him. He made a hawking noise in his throat and spit into the bucket he was bent over. Shai made a face and screwed her nose up at the smell. She turned her head from the refuse of stomach contents and rested it instead against Cullen's shoulder. He was hot to the touch--almost feverish--and his shirt was stuck to his body with sweat. He coughed hard once, twice and then sagged.

She caught the brunt of his weight in her embrace and helped him ease back. He shrugged at her touch, almost absently, and she let her arms drop away. Cullen pushed the bucket from them both and she was grateful for the receding smell. He didn't make any move to stand, instead planting his hands on the earthen floor of his tent and letting his head hang. She sat silently with him for a few moments before hesitantly asking, "are you ok?"

He didn't answer and she tried to suppress the sudden gut feeling that he was shutting her out again.

"Are you in pain?"

This time she got a sharp shake of his head in response but she knew he was lying. Cullen maneuvered away from her to his cot. He pulled himself onto the makeshift bed, hunching over on the very edge. His hands shook slightly as they came to cradle his face. Without being asked, Shai went to a second bucket within the tent and retrieved a ladle of water. 

Knowing the liquid was more than likely going to be warm to the taste, she brought her hand beneath the bowl and shot a short jet of ice onto it. Satisfied that the Commander would get a slightly chilled drink, if not one that was completely cool, she touched Cullen's shoulder. His eyes flicked from her face to the ladle before he shook his head rather emphatically. 

"No," he said huskily. "I'll just throw it back up."

"Wash your mouth out at least, then?" She suggested helpfully. 

He gave a short sigh after a moment and reached for the ladle. He brought the lip of the bowl to his mouth and tipped his head back. There was silence in the tent aside from the sound of liquid sloshing then the noises of a spit. Not knowing what else to do, Shai returned the ladle to the bucket then stood awkwardly by the tent mouth. Cullen had made no move to address her beyond when she asked him something that required an answer and she was getting the instinct that he was resenting her staying here staring at him like he was some animal in a cage. 

"I'll um...I'll go...if you want me to? If you need anything during the night I'm just...over there."

She was pointing in the direction of her own tent rather foolishly and she let her arm fall limply to her side. She shuffled her feet and waited for Cullen to agree or disagree with her proposed retreat. He said nothing and only resumed holding his head in his hands. Shai chewed on her lip and twisted her fingers together. She _should_ do something, she could feel that she should. But what? By the Maker, she'd never been good at comforting people. She was far too nosy to sit silently by and wait patiently for them to unburden what was wrong. 

Cullen, for all intents and purposes, didn't look much in the way of talking. In fact, he didn't even look much in the way of sitting. He was curled so far forward now that his forehead was going to be resting on his knees in no time. One hand left his face to clutch at his stomach and in another short second he was back in front of the bucket. 

As he retched again--loudly--Shai said to hell with it and went to the small stand that supported a wash basin. She fished around in the bowl and retrieved a rag. A quick dunk in the water bucket and she was down beside Cullen, careful to breathe through her mouth. When he seemed to take a break from emptying his stomach--though what else he had to empty she had no idea--Shai pressed the rag to his face. 

"I'm fine," he muttered as the cloth swept over his brow. 

"I beg to differ."

"You don't have to take care of me." His hand came up to grasp her wrist but she shook him off and continued her ministrations. 

"I know."

"I don't _need_ you to take care of me."

"Then kick me out," she challenged. Cullen stilled under her hands. 

"Get out," he rasped. 

Shai rolled her eyes and snorted. "Yes Commander, right away ser."

Cullen groaned and heaved forward again. Shai left off and turned her face away, allowing him some privacy, limited as it was. When he parted from the bucket she was back with the cool rag. 

"Better?" She inquired, her voice barely above a whisper. She felt rather than saw him shake his head. 

"It never is."

"What can I do?"

"It has to pass. Just...let it pass."

They remained on the floor for a couple minutes. At last Cullen was rising to his own two feet, albeit with her arm around his waist for support. 

"Thank you," he said so quietly she wouldn't have heard him if it wasn't for the vibrations she felt in his body. By way of answer she just squeezed him as tightly as she dared. She half lead him, half followed him to the cot and he dropped heavily onto it. Then she was once more before him, standing awkwardly, unsure of her next move.

"You should have gone," Cullen said, gaze not meeting her own. 

"Think I can't handle a bit of being sick?" 

"You don't need to handle _me_ being sick."

Shai's throat tightened. Her palms turned cold and she felt her stomach heave upward, ready to drop at a moment's notice. He wasn't starting this again...She was going to leave his tent in flames if he tried to pull something on her now. She told him as much, the words flying unbidden from her mouth. 

Cullen laughed harshly. "My men would resent waking in the middle of the night to put out what I'm sure would be a sizable inferno."

"The biggest you've ever seen," Shai threatened. She'd do it too. He could just sit on his cot and watch burlap burn down around his head. Cullen made a face and his hand returned to his stomach.

"I'll get the bucket."

"No!" He grabbed her wrist as she made to pass by him. His hands on her skin were too warm, too sweaty. "No," he repeated, quieter. "I'll be fine."

"Will you?" She hadn't meant to ask that but it just came out.

Cullen's fingers tightened on her wrist then his hand dropped away completely. "I never meant for this to interfere."

"I'm hardly holding it against you."

"Still...I'm not some sick pup that can't take care of itself."

"And you've yet to hear me make that comparison," Shai mumbled.

She dared reach a hand out towards Cullen's face. He intercepted it halfway and squeezed it with his own. In another moment he'd drawn her to him and pressed his forehead into her stomach. She couldn't imagine he was getting a whiff of anything but the unpleasant odor of exertion and battle, but he made no move to pull away. His fingers latched onto her upper thighs, lightly digging into her flesh. Her own digits settled themselves into the Commander's hair, stroking and brushing the sweat dampened strands back from his face. 

"How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause...I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry,"--Cullen's grip tightened almost painfully--"I should be taking it."

 _Ah...the lyrium...I should've known_. 

"This doesn't have to be about the Inquisition." Shai pushed Cullen away to drop to her knees before him, putting them at eye level. "Is this what you want?"

He blinked. "No," he uttered, breath blowing faintly across her face as he exhaled the word more than spoke it. "But I can't make these thoughts leave me. I can't stop thinking about Kirkwall...about the Circle...about everything. They've never left but they become worse when I...if I cannot endure--"

"You can and you will." Shai cut him off automatically because her blood had run cold as soon as he dared mention the option of failure. "There isn't any other alternative. You're going to."

He chuckled then, his face softening if only by a little. "I don't know where you get your conviction from."

"I'm stubborn, remember?"  

"Stubborn _and_ hard headed," Cullen agreed, but his voice was fond, not accusing, and he slipped a hand behind her head to bring her forehead against his. He paused as if to consider his next words then said, "You threatened to burn my tent down."

"And?"

"You would have really done it?"

"To make you see reason," Shai explained as if lighting something on fire was a logical way to deal with conflict. Cullen shook his head. 

"I don't believe I'll ever puzzle you out anytime soon."

Shai opened her mouth to reply and a yawn came out instead. She felt her face flame in embarrassment. 

"I didn't know I was being such titillating company," Cullen teased but he released her at her evident exhaustion. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize how long today was," she apologized sheepishly. 

"And I'm keeping you here taking care of me," he said. She felt him start to pull back into himself, start to berate his moment of weakness because he thought it had inconvenienced someone else. 

"Here," Shai said and stood. Cullen looked up at her as she, for once, had the height advantage between them. "Lay back."

His eyebrows rose in confusion but he obeyed slowly as his mind clearly tried to work over what was about to happen. When he was settled on his cot, Shai slipped beneath his head, pillowing it in her lap. 

"What are you--"

"Shh. Just close your eyes."

Cullen's golden irises flicked back and forth over her face before they fluttered shut. Shai set her hands on either side of his temples, her fingers flexing almost touching his skin. She drew a deep breath and posed a question. 

"Do you trust me?"

Cullen's eyes didn't open but he did frown. "Do I trust you?"

"Yes."

A pause and then, "I do."

Shai exhaled shakily and drew her mana into her fingertips. Her mind formed the spells for comfort, for calm, for soothing, for sleep. A faint light shone at the ends of her digits and she pressed them gently to Cullen. He jerked at the touch and she almost drew her hands away, convinced she'd gone a step too far asking him if he trusted her and then promptly using magic. But his body relaxed as the spell took effect and he actually sighed. The lines smoothed from his forehead, from around his mouth, and his face calmed. 

She kept the magic going for a few minutes, enjoying the steady flow of this casting. It was different from fighting; then her whole body burned with the fire and lightning surging through it. Her adrenaline was through the roof and she felt more alive than she felt at any other time. Now her limbs were lethargic, softened. Her muscles weren't tense or poised for action. It was a nice change of pace. 

"Better?" She asked when the light from her fingers faded and the spell waxed then waned. A soft snore was her only reply and she smiled sleepily down at Cullen's unconscious form. She slithered out carefully from beneath him, careful not to interrupt his sleep, and drew the blanket at the foot of the cot over him. As a second thought, she nabbed the bucket of sick from its designated corner, her mouth screwing up at the smell that greeted her nose. 

The contents of the bucket went into a patch of grass some yards from Cullen's tent and the bucket itself got filled with a decent amount of dirt to soak up what remnants of Cullen's episode were still left behind. Then Shai weaved unsteadily towards her own tent, making her cot just before her eyes slammed shut for the night. 

+++++++

"Inquisitor?"

Shai dragged the wet rag away from her eyes with exaggerated slowness, cocking one eye open just far enough to make out Cassandra's head poked through the flaps of her tent.

"What...is it?" Her head was pounding loudly and she still felt faintly nauseous. The bandages wrapped around her middle protecting her stitches were growing itchy and her mood was sliding towards irritability at the merest disturbance.

"Commander Cullen has arrived."

"Hmmm that's nice."Shai dropped the rag back onto her face and nestled her head further into the pillow. Her eyes closed momentarily then flew open as her mind processed the announcement. "What?!"

She jolted into a sitting position, groaning at the sudden pain the movement provoked.

"Careful," Cassandra cautioned, making as if to step inside and provide aid. Shai stopped the Seeker by swinging her legs over the side of the cot and pushing herself to her feet.  

"He's here?!"  _Fuck, fuck, fuck. How in the Void did he hear about the dragon_?!  Because why else would Cullen have come across the Plains from the designated forward camp to one of its sister locations when he had plenty of troop maneuvers to worry about? 

"He just rode into camp a minute ago--" Cassandra paused, then "--I am not saying that Cullen ever looks outwardly pleased,"--Shai swallowed a snort at the pot calling the kettle black--"but he does not look, altogether, very happy at this moment."

"Stall him, please!"

"That won't be necessary."

Shai quailed beneath the sound of Cullen's voice. In another second the Commander was occupying her small tent and the Seeker had disappeared. 

"Uh hi!" She said with false cheerfulness. 

Her gaze locked on Cullen's face and she cringed; his eyes were darker than she'd ever seen them and his mouth was set in a thin line. He'd drawn himself up to his full height and now she could understand the looks of terror the recruits sometimes exchanged when they saw their Commander making a beeline towards them. He crossed his arms and his jaw flexed as he watched her squirm under his scrutiny.

"What. Were. You. Thinking?!"

Shai tried to shrug but the motion made her hiss as it pulled at the set of stitches running along her shoulder and Cullen's nostrils flared as his sharp gaze observed her discomfort.

"You could've been killed," he said darkly, still not moving from the entrance of the tent.

"I wasn't," she offered lamely, having no other way to justify taking on a dragon. _Wrong answer_ , she thought as the Commander advanced towards her. 

"That thing could have taken your head off!" 

"Well what would you've had me do?"

"Not fight it?!" He hissed, looking like he was really questioning her mental facilities .

"It was in the way!"

"In the way? In the _way_?! I have reports from when we first entered the Plains that state 'dragon presence noted but not a threat; dragon sleeps in a _sequestered_  grotto. One would have to go to lengths to wake the beast.' "

Shai swallowed and mentally damned whatever scout had written such an on the nose report. Cullen took another step towards her and she took one back in compensation. 

"So, _Inquisitor_ , would you like to try and explain again why you thought it necessary to attack said dragon since it was so heinously obstructing your path?"

She chose to stay silent hoping Cullen's anger would diffuse if she didn't brook any argument. But on the contrary, her failure to provide another explanation for her actions seemed only to incense him further and his jaw locked in place. 

"Do you really think so little of your own life that you would willingly put it in such jeopardy? And not just yours but your teammate's? Should the situation with the dragon have gotten out of control, we would have lost not only you but the Seeker, Warden Blackwall, and Solas as well!"

"I considered that!" She argued and then could've happily bitten off her own tongue as Cullen's eyebrows shot towards his hairline at an alarming speed. 

"You considered that outcome and you _still_ forged ahead? You considered _four_ unnecessary deaths and you _still_ continued?!"

Shai grimaced. He had a point there, she knew he did, but the fact he was borderline yelling at her wasn't helping things. She stepped towards him, chin tilting up so she could continue to meet his gaze. 

"We all came back in one piece, is that not good enough?"

She'd only ever heard of people having conniptions before but now she fancied she was being given front row seats to one. Cullen's face went an unhealthy shade of red that faded quickly into a deathly pale. His lips thinned down to almost non existence before they opened to emit his next scathing words. 

"Not good enough? Not good enough! You went after something that could have easily ripped you in half or eaten you at the very least! Are you completely unfazed by how close you came to death today?"

"I've been coming close to death this entire time! How was today any different?"

Instead of deigning her with a response, Cullen brought his hand to the bridge of his nose and pinched. Shai was surprised she didn't hear the crack of a bone so aggressive was the gesture. When he finally looked her in the eye again, he seemed to have reigned his temper in to a more reasonable level. 

"I trust that the dragon is the most... _adventurous_ thing you're going to feel like doing during our remainder in the Plains?"

"So far, yes." 

Cullen gaped at her, eyes bulging. Without another word he turned on his heel and left just as abruptly as he'd come. It was Shai's turn to gape at his sudden departure and wonder why she'd been let off the hook. She was just lowering herself back to her cot when the flaps of her tent flew open again. 

"And another thing!" Cullen stalked towards her, one finger raised. 

She struggled back up to her feet, got halfway, then gave up and sank onto the cot, her wounds throbbing. A gasp broke through her lips followed by a small whimper as she felt something tear. She looked down at her front and saw that the bandages around her side were stained with a fresh burst of red. 

"Healer!"  The call came not from her but from the Commander whose hands were gentle as they eased around her biceps and held her upright. 

"I'm alright," Shai said in a strained voice. Beads of sweat had broken out on her brow and she felt a little feverish. 

"Shai? Do you want some water?"

She nodded and Cullen left her to retrieve a water filled ladle. He held the lip of the bowl to her mouth and she swallowed down some of the cool liquid, instantly feeling a smidgen better. 

"Thank you," she coughed. 

Her ribs protested the rough noise and she groaned. The dragon had clawed her and clawed her deeply at that. She'd been unable to fade step past its poised-to-strike back leg and hadn't seen the attack coming until it hit her and sent her flying. Her diagnosis had been two nasty gashes--one diagonally across her left side, the other vertically down her shoulder--bruised ribs, a possible concussion, and numerous bruises. All in all she'd thought she'd gotten away pretty easy but evidently not. 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid," Cullen was mumbling to himself as he held her steady, his eyes fixed on the tent opening, awaiting the arrival of the camp's resident healer. 

"You don't have to rub it in," Shai muttered, feeling like a child being scolded by a parent. Golden eyes met her own and the owner of the iridescent irises frowned. 

"It _was_ stupid."

"I got that the first time." 

"You could have been killed."

"Duly noted."

"Don't do this again."

"Is that all?"

Cullen's mouth opened to list another condition but the healer, Mistress Gamon, bustled into the tent, basket of medical supplies tucked under one arm and the Commander stepped out of the way. 

"Arright Inquisitor, what 'ave we 'ere?"

"She's bleeding," Cullen supplied dutifully. 

Mistress Gamon cocked an eyebrow.  "Again? Mmff, like a stuck snoufleur this one is. Thought I stitched ye up properly the first time."

"You did," Cullen tattled and Shai shot him a venomous look over the curly knot of hair atop Mistress Gamon's head. "She's apparently popped a stitch."

"Doing what, I might ask? I recall tellin' ye ta stay in bed lass, 'lest this very thing 'appen. Aw weel, I'll fix ye right back up. Ye'll be right as rain in no time. Now hold still." 

Shai sat through ten new stitches, only making the smallest of peeps because Cullen was staring her down from across the tent and she was damn well not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was dead right that taking on the dragon had been incredibly stupid. It was just that they'd stumbled across the sleeping monster and had planned to go around it but then they'd walked right into a nest of wyverns and all the commotion from that had awoken the dragon. They'd had no choice but to fight then because turning tail and running would've ended with all of them barbecued by lightning, which the dragon had had no apparent shortage of. 

Mistress Gamon pulled the string on the last stitch tight as she finished sewing the wound and Shai winced at the sudden tug on her skin; the area under operation had gone obligingly numb but some feeling still remained. 

"There ye are. All nice and mended. Try and keep it that way, Inquisitor." 

Shai nodded and mumbled a thanks as Mistress Gamon heaved herself to her feet and left with her basket of supplies. Cullen waited until the tent flaps had swung back into place before taking a breath and approaching. 

"Would you like elfroot? I could go and fetch some?"

"No, thank you. Mistress Gamon already gave me a few potions."

Shai neglected to say that she'd downed all four of them at once because the pain had been so intense at the start. She looked down at the earthen floor of the tent and scuffed her boot. If she was being completely honest with herself she probably owed Cullen an apology for whatever report had sent him to her side. Clearly it had sounded bad because he'd shown up rather quickly and in a turbulent mood. She could only imagine that "Inquisitor" and "dragon" and "injured" had been at the top of the missive, all three words probably underlined to stress the urgency of the situation. 

They both spoke at once. 

"I'm sorry, you're right."

"Forgive me, I was worried."

Shai bit her lip as a small smile stole over her mouth and Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, his own mouth quirking up at the corners. He came to drop a kiss onto the top of her head, mouth remaining against her hair as he murmured his next words.

"Don't worry me like that again." 

Shai reached for his hand, catching it in her own. 

"Cross my heart." 


	51. When the Chickens Come Home to Roost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here is the second half to this chapter (updated 4/9)  
> Guess what? Its been a year since I started this story :p can't believe I failed to notice that ahead of time.

"Commander?"

Cullen looked up from behind his desk. Back two weeks from the Plains and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of Cordelia Trevelyan. Yet here she was, materialized in his doorway. He nodded to her to enter although he wished he could march over and shut his door in her face; he has no desire to entertain her, none whatsoever. She swept across the stone floor of his office, the scent of her perfume proceeding her and filling his nose with its light flowery essence. The silk skirts of her dress rustled as she cam to a stop behind the chair that sat across from his desk for choice moments when he did entertain company. 

"Please, Lady Trevelyan, be seated." He may detest the sight of her on principle--more because she makes him nervous than anything else--but it doesn't mean he has completely forgotten his manners. Albeit, they may be a tad stilted for the duration of this meeting. 

"No thank you, Commander. This won't take long." Cordelia smiled but the expression was cold and it sent a jet of apprehension through Cullen's stomach. He didn't like the way she wouldn't take her eyes from his, their emerald irises boring into his own golden ones. He especially didn't like the way she drummed her manicured nails against the chair back, the sound of them rapping firmly against the wood filling the room. 

"Is there something I can help you with?" He asked when it started to become clear she wasn't about to speak first. He likened this to the first time they met in his office; he was sure he had to broach whatever she wished to discuss then too as she seemed in no hurry to begin a conversation. 

"Indeed there is," Cordelia responded. "I remember speaking with you a few months ago in this very room. It feels like ages have passed, does it not, Commander?"

"It does," he agreed simply. He set down the quill he'd been holding in his hand. He wasn't going to be able to scribble away at reports as she talked. She had his undivided attention now; he knew that even if he hadn't been giving it to her, she would have found a way to garner it. Cordelia Trevelyan was _not_ a woman who would be ignored. 

"My daughter has been well? She looks well. The sun in that far flung place you all traipsed off to hardly did wonders for her complexion but she looks...healthy."

Cullen blinked at the waywardness of their dialogue; _where is this heading_? He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, the furniture creaking slightly beneath his weight. 

"She does."

"Is that all you have to say about her appearance?" Cordelia tsked reprovingly and accompanied the sound with a little laugh. "I would think you'd have a more _detailed_ opinion of how pleasing my daughter's countenance is to you."

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh don't be. I quite forget that sometimes I speak too--what's the word-- _educatedly_. Force of habit, I'm afraid."--Cullen bristled at the thinly veiled jab--"I was put through years of training on how to be a lady. So was Shailene. I can't believe you haven't heard her speak in such a way before." 

"She speaks fine," was Cullen's grating response and Cordelia arched an eyebrow at his tone. Her lips quirked into the smallest of grins but she smoothed her features out in the next moment. 

"I'm sure she does," Cordelia agreed. "All that time and effort her father and I saw that she put into her lessons...After all, it was done to help her become a better prospect in the future. Noblemen so want their wives to be well read and well versed. If a woman cannot bring honor to her husband than what is the point of their union? I was always taught as such. My parents would see me married well but it would be my responsibility after the vows were spoken to continue to make well."

"Why are you telling me all this?" Cullen couldn't refrain from asking. This time Cordelia's face twisted into a mask of compassion and sympathy. She rounded the chair before his desk and settled into it, on the very edge. Her skirts rustled with her movement and more wafts of perfume issued from her person. 

"What are your plans when this Inquisition is over, Commander? Because it will end at some point. The danger will be dealt with and vanquished and then all its members will have fulfilled their purpose. I can't comprehend that everyone will remain sequestered away in the mountains like some primitive folk. What will you do when the day comes that the Inquisition's banner is retired until the world needs such a force of...good again?"

The question caught Cullen by surprise and he frowned. Truth be told, he'd thought about such a thing more frequently as they moved closer and closer to snuffing out Corypheus and his followers. But he hadn't ever been forced to _really_ think on it, to come up with an answer for an inquisitive person. He supposed he would try and return home, find a plot of land, build himself a home...but that was before Shai, before they'd begun to share what they did. He couldn't--wouldn't--just up and leave her. There would be her preferences to consider now when the Inquisition's purpose was served. There were two of them instead of one. 

"I'm not sure," he said truthfully. 

"Because of my daughter?" Cordelia guessed correctly. 

"Yes," Cullen answered flatly. It would be pointless to deny such a fact; Cordelia knew there was something between them. Half of Skyhold did now thanks to Varric's loud mouth and the regular gossip mill. Besides, Cordelia had been the one to approach him initially; she could hardly be blind to the situation.

"Have you spoken to Shailene about this?"

"No."

"Well that's one less avenue there is to be dealt with."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Commander, if I may be so frank, you and my daughter come from completely different worlds. Now I cannot fault the work you have done here with the Inquisition and how dedicated you are to your position. And you caused quite the stir in Orlais; I had a letter from a dear friend just last week asking for her social circle whether the Commander of the Inquisition would be visiting again anytime soon. But the bottom line of it all is that Shailene has been bred for a life of privilege. Sure she is a Mage, as undesirable as that little tidbit is, but she has redeemed herself by being the Inquisitor. She is a figure of power, one with prestige from a noble family. Why, I know your Ambassador has been receiving _so_ many letters with marriage proposals from this Lord or that Lord--"

Cullen's jaw tightened; he had no idea such things were entering the walls of Skyhold. He hadn't known anyone had been offering Shai marriage, although he could hardly fault them. She was a prize just for her current position.

"And," Cordelia continued. "It was always her father's and my's dream that she would marry and marry well. Now, of course, she is a little past the marrying age but she is still young and her looks haven't begun to fade. Genetics she inherited from my side of the family I've no doubt. But my point is, what you do after this Inquisition and what she will do are two completely different things. Do you really think she'd be complacent to retreat to a life of simplicity? One where she will never be guaranteed the finery she grew up with? Oh I know she hardly complains about the meager lodgings that your organization has, but in her head I assure you she is thinking of the loss of comfort. You see, Shailene deserves the best. She deserves to be happy and to fulfill her destiny. She was a nobleman's future bride long before she was your Inquisitor...or your personal anything. Now, Commander, I don't wish to sound harsh and I believe I have, but this is not a delicate topic. My daughter has a long life ahead of her and whatever you may feel for her, don't you agree that she deserves to have every chance to be the woman she was raised to be? To live with someone who can give her the things she was always groomed to receive?"

Cullen couldn't speak, could barely think. All the air felt like it had rushed unceremoniously out of the room and his mind was spiraling into a free fall. Beneath the loss of mental capacities was a slow burning, simmering rage that Cordelia thought she could march in here and dare to tell him that he was no good for her daughter. That he was so beneath Shai in social station that he should abandon all hope and cast her off to live the remainder of her life in some predetermined role he knew she would abhor. But then again...did he really know that was how she would feel? Cordelia said that she didn't complain about falling from the lap of luxury but could she be thinking it? Keeping it away from all of them out of politeness?

And if she was unsatisfied with her current lodgings, could she also be unsatisfied with his station in life? Or come to be unsatisfied with it? She was bred from birth to be in the high ranks of society, to move among the nobility. He was a simple farmers son, an ex-Templar, a man who had seen too much too quickly. He was damaged with no claim to anything to bolster the power of his family name. Would Shai want to be with him after this was all over initially only to decide further down the road that she wasn't happy?

"Oh dear, I didn't mean to upset you. I was only trying to save both you and my daughter from future heartache. Despite how I seem, Commander, I really do have her best interests at heart. And I know that prolonging an imminent separation will only cause pain on both sides. My daughter needs what she was bred for; she requires it. Even if she doesn't think she wants it, there is a small part of her subconscious that will demand it. I won't deny that you have probably been a comfort to her in these dark times as I'm sure she's been a comfort to you. But you being a Commander of an army can only know how emotions run high during war time all too well. Strip away this battle for the life of the world and are the feelings the same? Or were they only bred from necessity, from commonality? What would they be under the cold harsh light of day, all disillusionment aside?"

Cordelia was smiling maternally and shaking her head slowly as if she were breaking a hard truth to a child. Cullen's hands clenched into fists and her drew them off his desktop to clutch the arms of his chair instead. He felt as if he'd been smacked between the eyes and his skin prickled.

"I know you care for Shailene. Would you hold her back or would you let her go and do her the ultimate kindness?"

Cullen didn't answer, couldn't answer, and Cordelia's smile slipped a notch at his refusal to speak. 

"You know, sooner or later her dissatisfaction with a commoner's life might turn into hate for you, for the man who tied her to him only to keep her in such squalid conditions."

That jab did the trick and Cullen jerked. 

"I'm sorry my Lady but I have work I must to attend to," he said stiffly, his teeth locking together as soon as the words were past them. Tension belied every muscle in his body and he felt like a vein was probably visibly throbbing in his forehead. He would not give this woman, this _viper_ , the satisfaction of seeing him shaken or seeing him set any store in her words. He would not, he would not, he would-- _but what if she's right? What if she is right?_

Cordelia rose smoothly from her chair, her smile back in place. Her gaze was sympathetic yet it was a mockery of the true emotion. 

"I'm sorry to be the one to have to break this to you, Commander."

She left his office without another word and Cullen sagged in his chair as soon as the door was closed. His heart was going a million miles a minute. 

++++ 

"On the house, Inquisitor!"

Shai still pressed coins into Cabot's hand, ignoring the bartender's attempted refusal. She swept up the brimming mug of ale and headed back to the table she was occupying with Bull, Dorian, Varric, some of the Chargers, and Sera. Blackwall was in the tavern as well, but he'd sequestered himself at the bar and was drinking with his back to the room. 

"Somethin's up his arse," Sera had observed upon their initial arrival.

Shai didn't know either but she wasn't about to go and try to extract a conversation from the Grey Warden. He'd seemed to retreat more into himself with each passing day after Adamant. At first it hadn't been noticeable, but now it was very hard not to see he was being more solitary than usual. 

"Let the man alone," Dorian had advised. And so they had beyond Shai discreetly buying Blackwall his next two rounds of ale. If he'd been told of her contribution, he'd given no sign, instead downing the frothing mugs as stalwartly as he fought in battle. 

"Wicked Grace anyone," Varric asked, producing a deck of cards and shuffling them rather dramatically.

"I'll play," Sera stated immediately.

"You most certainly will not," Dorian vetoed, swiping the hand of cards Varric had been about to hand to the elf. "Every time we play you abandon the rules halfway through and no one can keep up with whatever hair brained trajectory you go off on."

"Oi! Give those back!"

Dorian held the cards out of reach and in another instant, Sera was clambering halfway up the Tevinter Mage to reach her prize. Bull let out a loud laugh as Dorian valiantly defended against the rogue and Sera lobbed curses through the air. 

"Ten pieces on Sera," Krem stated as he sat down, double fisting two mugs of ale. He passed one to Rocky and the dwarf downed half of the contents, foam caught on his upper lip. 

"Betting against your fellow countryman?" Bull asked, in mock surprise. "Such treason. 10 on Dorian."

"Hey, where's mine?" Dalish asked abruptly, eyeing the beverages she hadn't been provided with and looking pointedly at Krem. 

"Thought you'd be making one appear with your bow?" Krem teased and Dalish frowned. Nevertheless, he signaled one of the waitresses to come round and forked over a few coins.  

"It can't _do_ that! Its just a bow!"

Shai hid her smile with a drink of ale; Dalish was fooling no one with her adamant stance that she wasn't a Mage, but to each their own. In the meantime, Sera had won the fight and Bull was passing over a handful of coins to his lieutenant. Dorian's robe had a smeared grubby handprint on its front and he looked none too happy about the addition to his wardrobe. 

"Would it _kill_ you to find a bucket of water and some soap once in a while?" He asked of the rogue. 

"Wot's soap?" Sera asked with a wrinkle of her nose and Dorian sighed. 

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Alright children," Varric said as he finished dealing out the cards. "Who'd like to start?"

Two hours later Shai was pleasantly tipsy and wasn't even thinking about the small pouches of coins she'd lost to her fellow players. Wicked Grace had never been her strong suit and she doubted it ever would be. When she glanced to the bar to signal one of the waitresses behind it for another round, she noticed that Blackwall's seat was empty. The Grey Warden had slipped out unnoticed by them despite the fact Shai had sat with him in plain sight the entire time. She wondered again what was eating him and if she should maybe try and offer some sort of verbal comfort, but her thoughts were interrupted by the smashing of a glass and chairs being roughly shoved back. 

"You lyin', cheatin' bastard!"

Everyone's attention in the tavern swiveled to where two burly soldiers were standing nearly nose to nose. Both had their fingers curled into fists and were glaring daggers at the other. 

"Yer seein' things in yer old age, Brutus."

"I'll 'ave you know my eyesight is damn near perfect. And I watched you switch out those dice!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"You fuckin' whoreson!"

"Hey! You leave my mother out of this!"

The budding fight erupted and the volume in the tavern went up twenty notches. A stool got smashed, a table got overturned, and more mugs hit the wall as the two soldiers settled their argument. Cabot ducked beneath the bar and came back up with a thick looking club, holding the base of it with both meaty hands. He was shouting at the fighters but Shai couldn't make out his words over the general ruckus of the fight plus the tavern goers cheering the men on.

Maryden's clear singing continued on as it had been since Shai and her companions initially entered the tavern that night. The bard hardly seemed concerned about the fight and she provided an accompanying soundtrack to the physical festivities. Cabot, meanwhile, was pushing patrons left and right as he headed towards the two disruptive soldiers, his head down like a bull. 

"Cullen's gonna tan their hides tomorrow as soon as he hears about this," Bull predicted with a chuckle as he watched the fistfight. 

"Put them over his knee and everything, yeah?" Sera giggled, perched now in her chair like some sort of bird as she craned her neck for a better view. 

"No, no, no, the only one he puts over his knee is--you know what, never mind," Varric broke off as soon as he caught Shai's gaze. 

She smirked as the dwarf busied himself with a long drawn out drink of ale then ducked as yet another mug flew through the air and connected with the wall behind her. Or it would have connected if there had been such a structure there. Instead it took out the panes of the tavern's window and landed somewhere in the yard beyond. 

"Forget about Cullen tanning their hides," Bull amended. "Cabot is gonna knock their heads in."

"He does look rather mad," Dorian agreed mildly as Cabot's face went an unhealthy shade of blood infused red. 

"Well I think that's about enough for tonight," Shai stated as the two soldiers fell to the floor and started rolling around, each struggling for the upper hand. She slid off the stool she was occupying and Dorian unfolded himself from his sitting position as well. 

"I should probably go wash this stain out before it sets." He shot a meaningful look at Sera that received a nose thumbed in indifference. "Grubby little thing, isn't she?" The Tevinter Mage muttered but there was no malice in his tone.

Shai and Dorian bid goodbye to their table of friends and wove their way through the crowd to the door. While Shai's status of Inquisitor would normally have parted the way for them, there were too many tavern goers intent on the brawl to remember she was in charge and vacate her trajectory. It was quite a lot of thrown elbows and bumped shoulders before she and Dorian emerged into the cool dark of Skyhold's upper courtyard. 

The sound of another window smashing complimented their exit and Shai winced. She really hoped those soldiers stopped fighting before too long. If they knew what was good for them, they wouldn't have laid hands on each other to begin with. Forget Cabot knocking their heads in; Cullen would make that look like a scratch once he heard about the general ruckus and damage his men had caused. 

"Fancy they'll both be out in the snow tomorrow?" Dorian quipped with a nod back towards the tavern as they headed towards Skyhold's main stairs.

"Oh definitely," Shai agreed. "Out in the snow, confined to latrine duty, mandated to clean every speck of dust from the armory from now until the end of time...and that won't even be the main punishment."

"Drawn and quartered?" Dorian suggested with a morbid grin.

"Maker no. Cullen may be strict but I don't think he'd execute his men over some broken windows and furniture." 

"I don't know. I've seen him get this look upon his face...for some it would mean trouble but for others who don't mind it rough--" He let the rest of his sentence hang, accompanying the unsaid words with a lewd wink.

Shai rolled her eyes; at least she knew her taste in men was validated by Dorian's unsubtle comments. Speaking of...her head swiveled to look up at Cullen's tower as she and the Tevinter Mage started to climb Skyhold's stairs; as expected there was still light coming from within it. She didn't know when exactly it had happened but she'd developed a sixth sense in relation to the Commander's office, a sort of homing device that she was always aware of it when in Skyhold's courtyard. 

"Bemoaning the lack of your goodnight kiss?"

"One of these days I'm going to learn a spell for muteness and you're going to be the first to find out how well it works."

"Pray tell and then what? You'd become a shell of a person without my regular commentary."

"I think I'd survive."

Dorian sighed theatrically. "I only knew it was a matter of time before I was replaced. How fickle the hearts of women are."

"Oh stop your moaning." Shai jostled his shoulder with a laugh. She turned and headed back down the stairs, calling over her shoulder, "All that complaining will turn you grey and wrinkled before your time."

"Perish the thought!" Was the reply that came back to her as she nearly skipped across the courtyard, a smile already erupting wide and bright across her face. She thought, for a millisecond, about bringing her emotions under reign, composing her expression into mild pleasantness. But it would be for nothing because as soon as she saw Cullen, the joy would be clearly evident again. _So be it_ , she thought as she took the stairs to the battlements two at a time, _I haven't heard him complain yet_.

She nodded to whichever soldiers she passed although there were few on guard duty at this hour. Up this high the wind was sharper and she hoped the members of the Inquisition's ranks had something warm on beneath their armor otherwise they were like to freeze inside the steel come morning. She was at Cullen's door before she knew it, one hand raised to knock softly on the wood. Her knuckles fell in a short rap and then she grabbed the handle and pushed when the usual "Enter" came in response.

Cullen was absent from his desk, standing in front of his bookshelf instead. He had a book laid open across the palm of one hand and was squinting at the pages in the dim lighting he'd provided himself with.

"You'll ruin your eyes doing that," Shai chided gently. The book snapped closed and Cullen's head whipped around to her. She saw a reflexive grin start to overtake his features before it receded quite suddenly. Her brows drew down in confusion but she brushed it off and came further into the office.

"Are you busy? I saw the light and figured I'd come say goodnight since you were still awake."

"Not busy, no. Just...tired."

"Well your beds just upstairs." She reached a hand to him in imitation of how a mother might take the hand of her child to lead them along. But Cullen didn't make any move to come nearer. He just went on watching her, eyes hooded and unreadable in the flickering glow provided by the oil lamp at the edge of his desk.

"Is something wrong?" Shai asked, a queasy feeling taking root in her stomach.

"Wrong?" Cullen frowned as if the word were foreign to him. "No, nothing at all. Forgive me, it's been a long day."

Shai waved her hand to dismiss his apology. Far be it for her to hold needing sleep against him. She was disappointed their visit was ending prematurely after not seeing him for two days, but she could wait until a better opportunity. "Nothing to forgive. I'll see you tomorrow?"

The question in her voice was unmistakable yet her words hung in the air unanswered as Cullen regarded her for a few seconds. He nodded once, twice, the movement seeming like he was awakening from a daze. Shai's jaw set and she crossed her arms, setting her weight on one jutting hip.

"Something _is_ wrong."

"No, nothing is."

"You're lying."

"I am not."

"Yes you are," she challenged. "You flinched."

"I did not!"

"Fine, you didn't," she acquiesced, a plan taking form inside her brain. She watched Cullen visibly relax--good Maker the man would have made a terrible rogue--and then she pounced. "I _would_ like a goodnight kiss though."

All it took was one step in the Commander's direction and he was backing away, book returned to the shelf, hands extended from his body in a wary gesture. Shai's lip curled in abject irritation that he was indeed lying and her arms swung down by her sides, fingers curling into fists, shoulder hunched as she stalked towards him another step. He tried and failed to retreat, his lateral path taking him flush against the wall of his office; through no major deviousness on her part, he had trapped himself quite neatly.

"You know," she said, working to keep a level tone to her voice. She watched Cullen's eyes widen as he realized fully the predicament he was in, and she came even closer just for dramatic effect. "You might as well come clean. I'm not leaving until you do."

Shai was proud of herself that she didn't sound as if she wanted to slap him silly because that was completely what she was itching to do. Was this not _exactly_ how they'd gotten into their stalemate the first time, him keeping things from her?

"There's nothing to tell," Cullen said simply and if she had been a less stubborn person she would have let it go at that and waited for him to speak on his own time. But that wasn't the case and nor would it ever be. She was less than two feet from him now and she could see he was mentally calculating how to get out of this. 

"I hope you have some rope handy, Commander. Because bound and against my will is the only way I'm leaving here tonight."

 _Ok a little melodramatic, but still_ , she thought. Whatever Cullen was balking on saying, it couldn't be anything good and just the fact he was digging his heels in made her automatically guess it was an important matter and definitely not going to make her happy. If she got much closer she'd be pressing him against the wall, trapping him between her body and the stone and, while the mental image was pleasing, there would be time for such a thing later...if and only if he gave her what she wanted.

"I'm not tying you up," he finally managed.

"Then I guess you'd better start talking."

"You don't want to hear this," he sighed, looking away from her.

"I think I do," she replied lowly, the queasiness in her stomach turning instead to a fist of dread. When he failed to meet her gaze in the next couple seconds, she took a chance and reached for him. Her hand found his and she squeezed his fingers with hers. "Cullen, please...no more secrets."

He returned his eyes to her own then and regarded her quietly. "Your mother came to see me."

Shai's eyebrows rose. "That's it? That's all that happened?"

"No," he continued, his free hand coming up to the back of his neck. "That's not all."

Five minutes later Shai was sure she was about to breathe fire. Her skin felt hot and prickly and her disposition was no less. How _dare_ her mother say the things she had! How _dare_ she insert herself in her daughter's affairs. Cullen was facing away from her, hands planted on his desk, head hanging down. He had confessed and she almost wished he'd refused her more steadfastly. Shai opened and closed her mouth multiple times, no words coming forth from a throat that had constricted with rage. 

"You," she finally sputtered, raising a finger in the Commander's direction. He turned to look at her, eyes guarded, face wary. "You stay here," she repeated forcefully. He blinked at the command. 

Shai backed up towards the door, never taking her attention from Cullen. "You stay here. And Maker so help me, Cullen, if you're _not_ here when I get back..."

She let any previous threats she'd ever made in his presence fill in the blanks; she would make good on any and all of them. His slightly aghast expression made it clear he knew she would too. She was out his office door in another second, bee lining towards her mother's rooms. She couldn't even think straight for the anger that surged through her. Telling Cullen she wanted to marry noble after this whole thing was done, that they were from two different walks of life that could never co-exist smoothly...

Shai banged through the door in the great hall that led to the stairs servicing both her rooms and the guest wing. She stomped up the wooden steps, her boots thunking loudly. Instead of going straight on to her room, she turned left at the landing and faced down her mother's door. Without hesitation Shai strode forward and threw it open, jaw locked so tightly her teeth were starting to ache. 

To her credit Cordelia had the wits to look surprised at her daughter's violent entrance and the elder Trevelyan jumped where she sat at her writing desk. A candle burned lowly at the corner of it and there was a piece of parchment with elegant script sitting front and center. 

"Shailene? What is the meaning of this? Is everything quite al--"

"No mother, everything is not quite alright." Shai stepped into the room and closed the door behind her; this wasn't a conversation for anyone else to witness. "I know what you did."

"Whatever could you mean?" Cordelia asked, still not rising from behind the desk. Shai stalked closer.

"You know _exactly_ what I mean. Going to Cullen? Telling him he's no good? Not worthy of my station?!" Her voice reverberated on the last sentence, ringing out in the stillness of the night. 

"Shailene, sweetheart, I--"

"Don't call me that," Shai snarled, lifting one accusing finger. "Don't deny what you've done either. How could you do something like that?!  _Why_ would you do something like that? What concern is it of yours?!"

"To see my daughter married well?" Cordelia fired back, rising gracefully from her seat. "To see you happy with all the things that your father and I always wanted you to have?"

"That's not the reason and you know it," Shai said with a slash of her hand. "If anything its to win more prestige for yourself!"

"Don't be foolish, Shailene," Cordelia said with a small laugh. "I only want what's best for you, I always have."

"Liar!"

"Keep your voice down." The cajoling facade shattered and Cordelia's eyes narrowed. "For Maker's sake, do you want the whole fortress to hear you?"

"All of bloody Thedas could hear me and I wouldn't give a flying fuck!" Shai shot back, not bothering to adjust her volume in the least. 

Cordelia's finely arched eyebrows rose then settled back down. Her lips curled into a small smirk. "I see the Commander's _nature_ has already influenced you quite heavily. And yet you claim to have no idea why I would want you to make a match of your own stature."

"Leave him out of this. This is between you and me."

"Well, Shailene, I don't know what you want me to say to you." Cordelia swept towards her daughter, hands folded, face placating now. Shai got a sudden flash of memory of watching her mother deal with visiting noblemen who were too petulant for their own good. "I approached the Commander because I felt, as your mother, that it was the right thing to do. Someone has to look out for you and who better than a person objective to your situation? You couldn't expect the Commander to tell you to stay away on his own, now could you? And who would blame him for not doing so? You're the sole heir to the Trevelyan estate, not to mention the Inquisitor, the Last Great Hope for Thedas. What man of a common standing wouldn't be attracted to the respect and prestige you've acquired? Why, you would elevate him among his peers just by gracing him with your hand in marriage. Its all politics, _sweetheart_. Its nothing against him, Shailene, he just isn't suited for you and I hoped to stop this before it could run out of hand."

"Well you're too late," Shai hissed, eyes narrowing. "You've done nothing but show your true colors and I want you gone from here tomorrow."

"You're exiling your own mother?" Cordelia brought a manicured hand to her throat; her fingers fluttered over the necklace she wore.

"Not exiling. Think of it more as kicking you out."

"I see." Cordelia turned from her daughter and made her way slowly to the desk. She drifted her fingers over it, catching up the piece of parchment upon it almost absently. She fiddled with the object as she appeared lost in thought. "Why don't you sleep on it?" Cordelia asked abruptly, whirling on her heel. "I'm sure things will look better in the morning and maybe we can have a discuss--"

"No," Shai interrupted. "Tomorrow morning you will collect your men and your belongings and you will leave."

"Shailene." Cordelia's brows drew together in confusion and her voice took on a simpering tone. "Please, lets talk about this when we're both clear minded. If you still wish me to go after that, then I will happily oblige your wishes."

Shai's eyes flickered from her mother's face to the parchment that Cordelia held in the hand currently edging its way behind her skirts.

"What's that?"

"What's what?" 

"That." Shai nodded to the parchment.

"Just a letter from a friend in Orlais," Cordelia explained with a small shake of her head. "She was inquiring when I was coming to visit her next."

Shai examined the supposed letter from where she stood, squinting slightly as she tried to make out the words upon it. It was no use, however; the script was too small to be read from a distance and she was more near sighted than far.

"May I see it?"

Cordelia's face remained impassive. "You really want to read the correspondence between two old friends about upcoming balls and public affairs?"

"Yes. I do."

"Very well," Cordelia said on a sigh. She closed the distance between her and Shai and handed over the letter. Shai took the parchment gingerly and swept her eyes over the writing. She lost interest after the fifth line where her Lady mother's friend started in on the latest style sweeping Orlais and how this or that noblewoman was rather gauche in behavior.

"Satisfied?"

Shai shrugged rather than responding and handed the letter back. Cordelia took it and folded it in half. She seemed on the verge of saying something when a rustling came to Shai's ears and her head whipped to the left.

"Did you hear something?"

"Was there something to hear?" Cordelia jousted back, expression one that seemed to convey slight doubt in her daughter having all of her senses. 

Shai examined the room; her gaze alighted on the furniture, on the wall tapestries, on the drawn curtains, on the tips of what looked suspiciously like boots poking from the bottom of them, on the wall sconces with their flickering--wait. Shai looked to her mother, eyes widening then compressing to near slits. 

"Was there something to hear, _mother_?"

Cordelia had no time to reply as Shai brushed past her, the windows the only thing she had any attention for anymore. As she drew closer to them, her heart knocked fiercely against her ribcage. When she reached out to the heavy velvet of the drapes--noting that yes, those were definitely the tips of boots protruding from beneath the hems--her palms were slick with sweat. And when she drew the material aside, her breath left her lungs in a giant whoosh.

"Luis?"  


	52. So It Goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****STOP******STOP*********STOP*******  
> Look no further on this page. If you haven't read the last half of the previous chapter (updated last week 4/9 on time *pats self on back*) then go back and do so otherwise there is going to be a very rude spoiler for you at the beginning of this chapter :) if you have already read it, then continue onward 
> 
> \--> I've been working without a computer for a week and finally just got mine fixed so that's why this update is being thrown up so late at night but better late than never <\--

Luis Madrigal knelt before the Inquisitor's throne, though Luis Madrigal wasn't really the boy's name. Cullen's lip curled as he remembered just who this person actually was; at least the first name was true, the surname left something to be desired. Luis Madrigal of House Madrigal from Antiva was, in actuality, Luis Norbanus of House Norbanus...from Tevinter. Cullen's lip curled further into a full fledged snarl as he thought just how long the charade might have continued.

Had Shai not barged her way into her mother's quarters in defense of Cullen, then she never would have discovered that Luis had been brought by Cordelia as a prospective husband for her daughter. The matriarch of house Trevelyan had been in contact with the Norbanus's since Shai had been named Inquisitor. Both parties had evidently agreed that a marriage between their families would bring prestige; for Cordelia, her daughter's Mage status would finally pay off by making an illustrious match with Tevene nobility.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid_ , Cullen thought viciously. They had just allowed Luis to waltz his way into their ranks at the Winter Palace, never mind that he had been a connection of Cordelia's. The introduction had red flags all over it now that Cullen thought about the abruptness of it. They should have had Leliana investigate Luis, make sure everything checked out. He had no doubt that their Spymaster would have been able to prove in a short amount of time that Luis was not who he said he was. 

Cullen shook his head. How had they let that one get by them?! They'd investigated Shai's mother for Maker's sake! But not the stranger she'd brought with her? _Stupid, stupid, stupid_.

A thorough search of Cordelia's quarters had produced, unsurprisingly, multiple letters connecting her to the patriarch of House Norbanus. A similar search of Luis's had turned up various items tying him to the Imperium if they'd needed anymore proof before a trial, which, of course, they hadn't.

Luis and Cordelia were well at the bottom of the hole they'd dug themselves and now it was just a waiting game to see how the Inquisitor would handle the betrayal. Cullen drew straight as the latter entered the great hall. Like the sentencing of the Grand Duchess, the room was so silent one would be able to hear a pin drop.

Shai lowered herself onto the throne. Her face was blank but her lips were turned down at the corner as if she were sucking on a lemon. She'd abandoned her usual attire of tunic and leggings for armor as if she thought she'd need the reinforcement of the steel to get through this particular judgement.

"Inquisitor," Josephine began from her place beside the throne. Her voice was riddled with notes of what Cullen couldn't mistake for anything but sympathy. "Lord Luis Norbanus of Qarinus has received the formal charge of treason for his part in conspiring with Lady Cordelia Trevelyan to create a marriage contract between himself and Your Worship."

The hall fell silent once more after Josephine's explanation and Cullen never took his eyes from Shai. She looked down upon Luis, expression now somewhere between forced reserve and having been physically slapped. Her lips were drawn into a thin line and her fingers flexed against the arms of the throne.

"Do you wish to explain yourself?" She asked softly. 

Luis looked up at Shai for the first time since he'd been marched into the great hall. The manacles around his wrist rattled slightly. His clothes held a fine sheen of dust from the two days he'd spent in Skyhold's prison. He looked a tad gaunt and there were vivid purple circles beneath his eyes. 

"I ask for forgiveness."

"Why should it be given?"

 _Why indeed_ , Cullen thought as his brows drew down over his eyes.

"Because," Luis began and then swallowed as if to clear an obstruction in his throat. His voice was pitched low and regretful. It was a semi-convincing act of true regret to say the least. "Because I was unaware of my actions's consequences."

"You were unaware that my moth--Lady Cordelia, was corresponding with your father, Lord Quintus Norbanus, to ensure that the two of us would be bound into marriage with one side completely unaware of the proceedings?"

"Yes," Luis answered singularly and whispers started amongst the crowd gathered. 

Cullen's eyebrows shot towards his hairline in disbelief before he crossed his arms and settled himself in to hear how Luis was going to attempt to dig himself out of trouble. 

"You admit that you were unaware?"

"Yes."

"Yet I am told that a thorough search of your chambers turned up more than one letter written between yourself and Lord Quintus with case sensitive information about the proceedings of your...plot."

"It isn't true," Luis contested. "They were forged and planted!"

Now the whispers turned into murmurs and Cullen snorted under his breath. _The nerve of the boy_. And he was truly a boy just as Cullen had always thought; had Luis the sense of an adult, he would accept his punishment as such.  Shai cocked her right eyebrow at the accusation her Inquisition had played the defendant false. 

"Ambassador?"

"Yes, Inquisitor?"

"The letters Lord Luis claims were planted, may I see them?"

"Of course. The letters from Lord Luis Norbanus to Lord Quintus Norbanus are introduced as evidence." 

Josephine pulled a few reams of parchment from her writing tablet and handed them off to Shai. She took them and scanned the writing on each before rising from the throne and walking down the few short steps to Luis. 

"Here." Shai handed him the first slip of parchment and his eyes widened as he looked at it. "Read the first paragraph for us."

Luis looked between Shai and the parchment once, twice, another time before he cleared his throat and began. 

"My Lord and father.." He stopped and looked to Shai once more. 

"Go on."

"My Lord and father, I have reached the walls of the Inquisition. Their stronghold is in a fortress called Skyhold and deep in the mountains. It is a good deal colder here than the warm temperatures we are so accustomed to at home. Lady Cordelia has been most accommodating since my arrival at Halamshiral. I am sure you have received news from her about the proceedings of the night; they will forever be hard to forget. Nevertheless, a new Emperor sits the throne and the blood has probably been scrubbed from the Orlesian tiles by now. I have to note here that for all its intended opulence, the palace was quite gauche and tried too hard to present its wealth to visitors. The Inquisitor is--"

Again Luis broke off and again he was told to continue, albeit this time there was more ice edging Shai's tone than before.

"The Inquisitor is beautiful; it appears the charms Lady Cordelia assured were present in Lady Shailene Trevelyan's younger years have not worn off. That is a relief. I'd be hard pressed to remove myself from Skyhold inconspicuously if she had been ugly or otherwise undesirable. I have succeeded in befriending her. She was most welcoming at the Winter Palace and indeed suspects that I am only as I have presented myself: a semi-cast off Mage from a noble family in Antiva." 

Luis's voice got quieter and quieter as he read, finally ending in a whisper on his last word. Shai stared down at him, seemingly waiting for him to tell her once more that the letter had been planted in his quarters.

"A rather personal correspondence," she commented.

Luis didn't deign to respond; he bowed his head once more. Shai plucked the letter from him and returned to the throne, back straight and shoulders squared. When she was again facing the congregation, she handed down her sentence.

"Lord Luis Norbanus of House Norbanus, it has been discovered and proven that you committed treason against not only me but this Inquisition. By attempting to arrange a marriage between myself and you, you would have jeopardized everything this Inquisition has worked towards and left it without the only person who bears the ability to close rifts and, therefore, keep this world in one piece. Not to mention the fact that you would have personally trapped me into a political union I am certain I would have had no small amount of trouble escaping. And yet, the best defense you can give me is that you were unaware of your action's consequences and that you were framed with no evidence to support your claim?"

Luis didn't nod, didn't verbalize his consent. He only continued to stare at the floor, shoulders slumped, looking for all the world like he was trying to make himself as incongruous as possible. _Far too late for that_ , Cullen thought with derisive scorn. He hadn't liked the look of Luis since the first day he'd seen him, and although that had been largely based on jealousy, at least his misgivings had proved true in the end.

"This is your last chance to offer a statement in defense of yourself. I _will_ decide your fate in another second and it _will_ be non-refutable," Shai warned, raising her voice so that it carried to all parts of the great hall.

 _Never let it be said she gave an unfair trial_ , Cullen mused. She was showing far more leniency than he would have. He probably wouldn't have asked Luis if he had anything to say for himself; he probably would have just banished the boy and been done with it. But Shai was built of different stuff and despite what had been discovered, he knew Luis had been a friend to her once or, at the very least, a companion on the road.

When silence was the only answer from the defendant, Shai shifted on the throne and steepled her fingers before her face. Her eyes didn't blaze from over her digits. They didn't condemn or hate. Cullen saw they looked tired beyond everything else and, unless he was mistaken, defeated. He suddenly wanted to go to her, all these witnesses be damned, and pull her into his arms. To everyone else, this was an objective judgement, two more opponents routed out and sent to their appropriate fates. But to Shai this was someone she'd let herself grow close to and, after Luis was removed from the great hall, it would be her own mother before the Inquisitor's judgement.

"Truly nothing, Luis?" Shai's voice was once more soft as she threw the accused one last lifeline.

"No Your Worship," Luis finally replied, head coming up so that his gaze locked with Shai's.

They regarded each other silently for a few beats and then Shai blinked and the spell was broken.

"Very well. By my authority, Lord Luis Norbanus of House Norbanus, you are hereby indefinitely banished to Tevinter. You will not set foot in Ferelden again upon point of death. You will be escorted across the Waking Sea and to the borders of the Imperium by a special team of Inquisition soldiers. Should you try and escape at any time, you will be killed. This sentence is struck into effect as of now until the end of time." 

Cullen found himself nodding in acceptance of the punishment; it was light compared to what could have been handed down, Luis should be thankful for that. Shai could have very well had him thrown into Skyhold's prisons until the end of his days or had his head brought to her on a silver platter. A banishment, and one to the boy's homeland no less, was an extreme act of mercy, although Cullen didn't doubt for a second that Shai had authorized the escorting team of soldiers to kill their charge should he become a flight risk. She had her limits, after all. 

The two soldiers on either side of Luis hauled him up from the floor. He bobbed his head towards the throne, eyes never quite traveling far enough to meet Shai's heavy gaze again. And then he was being marched from the great hall as the second prisoner was being brought in. Everyone in attendance stood a little straighter as Cordelia Trevelyan swept haughtily through the crowd, her two jailers somehow looking as if they were there for her personal security instead of to enforce the justice of the Inquisition. 

She came to a stop at the foot of the dais and Cullen watched Shai's entire body tense. Her face hardened immeasurably, eyes going cold and sharp as she watched her mother sink gracefully to the floor. The manacles around Cordelia's wrists barely rattled with her movements, so poised was she even on trial for a crime committed against her own blood. 

"Lady Cordelia Trevelyan, formerly of Nevarra, now of Ostwick, has received the formal charge of treason for her part in conspiring with Lord Luis Norbanus to create a marriage contract between himself and Your Worship," Josephine repeated, changing the appropriate parts of the charges to fit the new defendant. "She has confessed to nothing."

"Of course she hasn't," Shai murmured but Cullen heard her clearly enough from where he stood off to the side of the throne. "Lady Cordelia Trev--"

"I do think we can skip the formal titles, don't you think Shailene?" Cordelia interrupted and Cullen blinked at how smooth the interruption was.

Why, it almost felt as if Cordelia's sentence had been the one unfurling when Shai decided to begin hers. _And if that isn't indicative enough of their relationship_ , Cullen thought. Shai's mouth hung slightly agape before she shut it rather quickly and frowned, eyes darkening.

"You will address me as 'Inquisitor' or 'Your Worship' for the length of the proceedings, Lady Cordelia. Is that clear?"

"Oh, my apologies _Inquisitor_. It is crystal clear."

"Do you have anything to say in explanation of yourself?" Shai asked, leaning forward ever so slightly.

Cordelia's chin angled up, her emerald irises meeting her daughter's peridot ones. "Nothing I haven't already told you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Shai snapped, fingers back to digging into the arms of the throne.

Cordelia shook her head as if marveling at her daughter's simplicity, and perhaps she was. The woman didn't have a kind bone in her body. "Do you wish me to spell it out in front of all these people? I thought I'd made myself quite clear in private but perhaps not. Very well, _dear_ , but remember you were the one who asked for this."

Cullen watched Shai's eyes widen and he knew what Cordelia was going to do a second before the fateful words left her mouth. But he, like the Trevelyan matriarch's daughter, were too slow to pause the proceedings. 

"I simply meant that I had sought to make you a good match after all the years your father and I put into grooming you for a proper nobleman. Imagine my delight when I arrived here and found you unattached and then my subsequent surprise that you'd taken up with a member of your own Inquisition...your Commander, no less."

Cullen felt the air leave the hall, fancied he could hear it zip out through the two massive doors at the far end in one giant whoosh. All the eyes that had been on Shai and Cordelia turned towards him and he could hear whispers begin to run rampant through the crowd. He went rigid, face draining of blood, stomach giving a sickening lurch as the palpable feeling of being found out trickled through his being. Shai recovered from the barb much faster than he did and managed to still hang onto the reins of the trial.

"Need I remind you, Lady Cordelia, that attempting to paint a crime where there is none will not win you any favors from me. This is _your_ trial, _your_ hearing, _your_ chance to atone for what you have done or, at the very least, explain yourself in hopes of a more favorable sentence. If you so desire, we can stop the proceedings now and I can simply hand you to the headsman in lieu of proper time to debate a more suitable punishment. Or you can hold your tongue, _Madame._ Which shall it be?"

Cordelia's face froze a bit around the smirk that was playing across her lips. The lines bracketing her mouth drew deeper into her skin as she evidently brought herself under control. Cullen kept his eyes resolutely on judge and accused, refusing to entertain the curiosity of the jury; he would have ample time to do so later.

"I will ask you again," Shai began firmly. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Only this," Cordelia replied readily. "Perhaps my intentions were misconstrued as cruelty, as subterfuge, but I never wanted them to be as such. I was hoping, through my own jaded wishes, that I could be of service to Your Worship by advancing your prestige. I never sought to cheat you or to lie to you. I simply saw a means to an end and pursued it. I know your status as a Mage is problematic to many; the Imperium is a place where magic is respected. In my own line of thinking, it made sense to join Your Worship with a noble family of Tevinter to solidify your leadership. Where you might only have been backed by the members of the Inquisition and what allies you have come by, through a political marriage you might have had a powerful family at your back, ready to lend their help and manpower to your cause. So you see, Inquisitor, nothing I did was done out of malice but only to help you as a mother wants to help her child."

Cordelia's speech was so orchestrated, so refined, so seemingly logical that for a split second Cullen admitted to himself that her reasoning made sense. The Imperium was not a place that shunned Mage children and although they were currently fighting a war against some of Tevinter's countrymen, having a strong ally on the inside could prove advantageous to the Inquisition. He shook himself roughly; _good Maker, what are you thinking?_ _! Shai married against her will for politics?  She'd have everyone's heads involved in such a thing!_

He looked back to Cordelia and found her hands were outstretched to her daughter, palms up in supplication. He chanced a look at the spectators and noticed that a decent amount of them looked swayed by the flowery argument. _Like pigs being led to slaughter_ , he thought vehemently.

"That is a very convincing defense," Shai allowed after a brief moment of evaluation. "Do tell why this was something that couldn't have been brought to my attention if you were so concerned with my station as leader of the Inquisition?"

"Well it goes without saying that Tevinter is thought of so horribly in these parts that I could hardly imagine what you'd say to such a proposition," Cordelia defended, voice impassioned and sprinkled with an appropriate bit of disbelieving laughter.

"True, it's not a country many trust," Shai agreed. "Yet, I'm sure you are familiar with Dorian Pavus? He is one of my most trusted companions and, if I'm not mistaken, counts Tevinter as his homeland. Or perhaps you might have met Lieutenant Cremisius Aclassi, second in command to the Bull's Chargers and another Tevinter native? Both of these men are under my protection, my roof, and I have no hidden disdain for them, no animosity because of where they were born. So you see, I can't fully agree with your guess that I would have been immediately dismissive of a proposition that involved Tevinter."

Cullen felt his lips quirk as Shai tore through her mother's defense quite speedily. She had always been a force to reckon with since he'd met her; Cordelia's attempted manipulations would get her nowhere. 

"My deepest apologies that I seemed to have erred in judgment," Cordelia said with as much of a curtsy as she could manage already kneeling on the floor. 

"You have erred in much more than that, Lady Cordelia," Shai ascertained. "Is that your final statement? I've asked you for one twice and thus far you haven't provided a solid reason as to why I should show you any mercy."

"By all means then don't," Cordelia nearly drawled, chin raising in defiance. "Don't go easy on me, Inquisitor. I am just your mother after all. Only the woman who bore you and raised you."

"And what a mother you have been," Shai said lowly. Cullen observed that whatever fight had been residing within Shai seemed to dim in that moment. She sat back in the throne, eyes hooding slightly as she studied her mother. Her posture and face were ones of resignation, of acceptance. "What do you think your punishment should be?" She asked at last, voice steady and simply curious. 

Cordelia blinked as if that were the last question she was expecting and her lips curved into a smile. "Sent back home, of course. You did allow Luis Norbanus to return to his homeland. Shouldn't I be awarded the same courtesy? I am, after all, more to you than he ever was."

"Only through the cruelty of fate," Shai said levelly. "And, in any case, I feel you would have tried to marry me off to any influential noble family. Luis just happened to be a rather convenient key piece to the equation. You were the master mine behind this, not him."

"And what of Lord Quintus?" Cordelia asked sharply. "He conspired to commit treason against you as well and I don't see him anywhere."

"The Inquisition soldiers escorting his son home carry an official missive for him, not that it is of any concern of yours. Should he ever set foot on Ferelden soil then he will be brought here and put on trial for treason immediately. It is the best I could do under the circumstances."

"Hmm," Cordelia hummed lowly.

"You still have not answered my question."

"Do you really want an answer, _Shailene_? No matter what I tell you I believe my punishment should be, you'll do as you please. Go ahead, darling, give me the strictest sentence you can think of. Don't spare me, it wouldn't do to appear weak."

Why Cordelia was explicitly baiting her daughter Cullen had no idea but he and everyone else held their breaths as Shai drew herself up imposingly upon the throne and stared down at her mother. 

"Lady Cordelia Trevelyan of Ostwick," Shai began, her voice reverberating off the walls. "You are hereby relieved of your titles; they are forfeiture for your misdeeds. A missive will be sent to Bann Ruston Trevelyan in Ostwick notifying him of the judgement passed on your Ladyship. He will be given the chance to swear fealty to the Inquisition otherwise his titles _and_ lands will be--"

Shai's voice faded amidst the low chuckling that came from Cordelia. Cullen frowned and looked to Josephine who was looking to Leliana who stared at the Inquisitor's mother as if she were a newfound bug. 

"Is something funny, Lady Cordelia?" Shai asked through gritted teeth. Her lip was curling upwards into a snarl and she forced it back down into a platonic line. 

"Funny? Oh no, of course not. Death is hardly a laughing matter," Cordelia said, letting her chuckling subside. 

Shai shook her head minutely. "I don't understand. You haven't been sentenced to--"

"I wasn't talking about me, sweetheart. I was referring to your father. Bann Ruston Trevelyan is dead. He has been for quite some time. I do believe I sent a formal note to the Ostwick Circle but by then everything was chaos and Mages were rebelling and running free in the streets so you must forgive me if it didn't reach you like I intended."

Cullen couldn't stop himself from taking a step toward Cordelia, snake that she was for revealing her daughter's father's death so publicly as a trump card, as a way to cripple and hurt. Shai's face had gone very still along with the rest of her body and she seemed to pale. 

"Father is...dead?" She asked quietly. 

Cullen didn't know her relationship with the Bann but he could know that the passing was coming as an unanticipated surprise. And it was having the desired effect upon the receiving party. He couldn't see all of Cordelia's face in that moment but he had no doubt she was frowning in mock sympathy, barely concealing a look of smugness. 

"Yes, he is. He died after a very nasty bout of fever. I knew I'd been forgetting to tell you something this entire time. How that could have slipped my mind I have no idea." 

"Then...the Trevelyan estate is yours?" 

"Of course. It was left to me in his will. I assume it will pass down to you in the event of my death but I can't be sure. Such tedious reading wills are. I only know I've inherited it because he told me on his death bed. I suppose you could make arrangements for his will to be sent to you here and then you'd know for certain if you'd be getting your fair share of things."

There was silence in the great hall for a few moments and Cullen thought for one drawn out second that Shai was going to excuse herself from the proceedings and put the trial on hold. She looked as if she'd been knocked to the ground and had the breath ripped from her lungs. Her knuckles were turning white with how hard she was gripping the arms of the throne and every muscle was tensed.

Then she exhaled and seemed to slump before drawing herself back up to her previous posture. She looked down upon Cordelia and her eyes were shuttered, giving nothing away.

"Lady Cordelia Trevelyan of Ostwick," she began again. "I do hereby relieve you of your titles _and_  any lands you may have acquired. This does include those inherited from your late husband Bann Ruston Trevelyan. Presently I will have an unedited copy of his will presented to me and will make the necessary arrangements to have the Trevelyan estate transferred to my name. You are hereby banished from Ferelden and will not set foot in these lands again upon point of death. You are also thusly banished from Ostwick; you have no business in that city anymore and once I send the Teryn the official list of your transgressions, I doubt he will have any objections. Inquisition soldiers will escort you--"

"Now hold on just a minute," Cordelia interrupted again, venom springing to her tone. "You can't just strip me of everything! You stripped Luis of none of his titles, none of the lands that were coming his way yet he was a much a part of this plot as I!"

"The world is not a fair place, Lady Cordelia. You cannot expect everyone in it to act in such a way. If I were you I would accept your punishment and be grateful I am not having you thrown in prison. You did commit treason, that is a crime punishable by death. I would be entirely within my rights to have you executed on the morrow if I felt like it. But I will show you mercy because you are my mother. I will not, however, ignore what you have done and let you go unpunished. So yes, Lady Cordelia, I _can_ just strip you of everything and I just did. Ambassador Montilyet, if you'd be so kind as to send for the will of Bann Ruston Trevelyan, I would like to go over it. And do have the official papers of forfeiture drawn up and presented to Lady Cordelia so that we have no misunderstandings."

"Yes Inquisitor," Josephine said with a small bow.

"You can't do this to me," Cordelia hissed, her manacles jangling as she leaned towards her daughter. "You wouldn't dare do this to me, Shailene. I'm the only family you have left! What will you do without me?"

"Remove her," Shai said calmly to the guards, ignoring the question. 

"Shailene, please!" Cordelia begged as she was hoisted to her feet and unceremoniously turned away from her daughter. "Please don't do this! At least let me stay in Ostwick! Its all I've known for so long! Don't banish me from my home. Shailene? Shailene! Get your hands off me! Let go, let--go--let--go! Argh!"

Cordelia's facade shattered before she was even halfway through the great hall. Gone was the woman who had sat so composed beneath the Inquisitor's steady gaze, the crime of treason hanging over her head. In that woman's place was a thrashing, screeching devil. The soldiers guarding her fairly picked her up off the ground so they could walk with her more easily.

She screamed and bucked the entire way out of the great hall and even removed from it her voice carried back to those still watching the impromptu show. At last Cordelia's ranting faded away altogether as she was returned to her cell to await her impending final exit from Skyhold. Cullen looked back to the throne to see that Shai was gone. 


	53. An Inquisitor's Past

The morning after the trials Shai stood on the balcony of her room, arms crossed atop the cold stone railing. Below in the courtyard she watched her mother's entourage leave Skyhold; a guard containing Luis had already departed for Tevinter, the Mage secured in the midst of burly Inquisition soldiers. Shai observed a figure clad in a dark grey traveling cloak cross the courtyard. 

Cordelia Trevelyan paused with one foot on the mounting step of her carriage. She looked up--Shai would've sworn--directly at her daughter and then ducked into the waiting transportation. With the crack of a whip the carriage jolted forward and Cordelia left Skyhold for the last time, Inquisition soldiers taking point and flank keeping her in the middle of their ranks. Shai watched until she couldn't see them anymore. She told herself that the sudden prick of tears at her eyes was from the sharper mountain air at her altitude. 

"I figured you were up here."  She didn't turn as Dorian waltzed up beside her. He settled his arms on the railing and leaned forward. "Didn't think you'd actually be down there to see her off."

"There wouldn't be a point," Shai said. It was the truth; she'd said all she needed to say in the great hall. There was nothing left between mother and daughter to discuss.

"No I suppose not," Dorian agreed softly. 

She studied his profile as he examined the courtyard beneath them. She'd gone with him when his father had contacted Mother Giselle and all but begged for her to stage an intervention with his runaway son. The scene at the tavern in Redwood had been uncomfortably private for her to witness and it had pulled at buried feelings within her own psyche. But she'd stayed because Dorian had so clearly needed someone to stay, and now he was here with her because she so clearly needed someone to be a shoulder to lean on.

"She never loved me," Shai declared quite evenly if she did say so herself. "Never."

Dorian said nothing, although he did swivel to look at her, and she took it as silent encouragement.

"All during that trial...I was trying to think back to a time when I thought she loved me. I was trying to remember when I was a kid, before all the magic stuff happened, if there was ever a time when we did something happy together. And you know what I got? Nothing."

Shai laughed but it was a bitter dry sound, like dead leaves crunching underfoot.

"I don't remember a single time my mother ever acted like she wanted me. My earliest memory is of her trying to drain me of my magic,"--Dorian made a small noise in his throat,"-- I was six and she'd summoned whatever quacks claimed to know how to take away a Mage's abilities. They strapped me to a table and put leeches on me...magic is in the blood you know so if the leeches take enough out then..." she gestured aimlessly; a fool could put two and two together and the man beside her was no simpleton. "Then there was almost drowning me in water for whatever Maker forsaken reason she thought that would actually work." 

"The only comfort I remember getting was from my nurse, just the one. She wasn't supposed to coddle me--coddling, that's what my mother called it, as if showing affection was bad--but she did when no one was looking. I remember how she smelled, like peppermint and fresh wash. I don't remember her face though. Its funny what your brain decides to hold onto, isn't it?Anyways, she got sent away eventually. Mother found out my nurse was being a surrogate parent and that couldn't be allowed to stand." 

Shai paused in her tale, her tone dry but thick with unburied emotion.

"My father didn't agree with what was going on but he followed my mother's lead for the most part," she forged ahead after a few breaths. "He had appearances to keep up too. The Trevelyan estate was in dire need of someone to help save it from impending ruin and my marriage would have done the trick. So it was in his best interests to make sure I got cured of my abilities before they would become too strong to hide. Sometimes I thought he'd step in and help. He would get this look on his face like he was having some sort of revelation...it never happened. I was on my own from day one in that fucking home."

Shai shook her head, vision misting over. She blinked and the haziness cleared but her eyelashes felt wet and the tops of her cheeks were becoming damp.

"They handed me over to the Templars when I couldn't be...fixed. That's what my mother called it: fixed. Like I was some sort of problem to them. I guess I was. Burning the drapes--didn't matter that it was by accident--because I'd learned I'd have to get married didn't go over very well. Nor did the thousand other little outbursts of magic. I think I scared them more than anything. They didn't know if they'd wake up one day with the whole estate in ashes around them or if I'd suddenly turn into an abomination. But I was probably one of the best behaved children ever. I was rarely unsupervised and my mother put me through so many ladyship lessons...I was jam packed into such a tight mold."

Shai sighed shakily.

"It's a wonder I didn't just learn to suppress all my magic, keep it locked up tight. That's probably near impossible but I got threatened with the Circles more than once as a child, sometimes twice in one day if my mother thought I was being especially difficult. It was like 'Good morning Shailene. Did you learn how to curtsy properly? No? Well I'm sure at the Circles you won't need to know that...' or 'Shailene you have to meet with Lord Whatshisname later on, where's your green dress? The one that brings out your eyes? You don't want to get married? Well I'd say marriage would be a trifle better than locked in some tower for the rest of your life. But if you really insist...' Ugh."

Shai dropped her head onto her folded arms. She'd never spoken so much about her childhood to anyone else but Rhys and that was because he'd had it just as bad, if not more so, as she.

"Stop me if I'm boring you," she jested but the joke fell flat and the way Dorian's jaw tightened it didn't look like he'd found it funny either.

"Stripping her of everything and banishing her home was too kind," he finally said lowly. "You should have sent her to Tevinter to while away her days in a country chock full of Mages running around."

"Knowing my mother she would've found a way to thrive. Probably drawn up another marriage contract and figured out how to get it back here disguised as something I'd unknowingly sign. Then some Lord from the Imperium would've come knocking and been a lot harder to get rid of than Luis."

"Well then you'd just tell him you'd been spoken for already by Dorian of House Pavus and send the bastard back empty handed."

Shai snorted in amusement. They stood in silence for a few moments, arms barely brushing. She tipped her head back at a fresh gust of wind and let the air freeze the dampness on her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut. Try as she might she couldn't keep a fresh well of tears from rising and spilling over. They ran down her face and she tasted the saltiness of them on her lips.

"There now, she's gone. She can't hurt you anymore." Dorian's arms came up around Shai's shoulders.

"She'll find a way. She always does. Banishing her didn't do an ounce of good. It doesn't matter that Leliana's setting spies in place to keep an eye out for any retaliation from her or Luis. My mother would get around them if she had to. Her throwing my...relationship out into the public was just one more jab. She just wanted to make sure I got mine when she got hers. What do I look like to everyone now? A leader who fucks around with her comrades?"

"Well if you're offering that service I must say I've been missing out," Dorian teased softly and got a gentle elbow to the ribs in response. Then his face grew somber. "Are you worried about you and the Commander being public knowledge now?"

"No...yes...I don't know. It was going to get out sooner rather than later but I always thought it'd be at the end, you know? When we were done stamping Corypheus into the ground and didn't have to worry about some never ending war anymore. Then we could kinda just let it slip and no one would care because we'd just saved the whole world and who sleeps with who isn't all that interesting compared to that. But now its out there so,"--Shai gestured, her arm encompassing Skyhold,--"we'll just have to deal with it."

"For what its worth, I'm sorry," Dorian ventured after a few moments. "I think myself of all people understand familial problems better than anyone else."

"Two peas in a pod right here," Shai said with a watery grin. "Rhys would've been the third. Maker, you think my upbringing is bad you should have seen his."

"Do I dare ask what happened?"

"Relatively the same stuff but...his parents took him out to the country when they couldn't get rid of his magic and they left him to die. He wandered around for weeks with no home and no food and, well, you get the picture. A group of Templars out on patrol eventually scooped him up when he got too close to Ostwick's city limits. He was the first friend I made in the Circle." Shai's voice drifted off, wistful as she remembered the day she'd met the lanky boy with a somber expression but wiliness filling his grey eyes.

"I think you reminded him of his brother," she continued and felt Dorian jerk in surprise beside her. "He had an older one, Ronan, who he was close with. Ronan was 'normal' so he got to stay when Rhys got the boot. But they never saw each other again. I think Ronan was a lot like you from the stories I got told. So...I don't know...maybe meeting you was kinda like getting a good piece of home back. Ugh, I sound like some sappy line of poetry."

"Not bad poetry though," Dorian commented quietly and, without thinking, Shai reached over and squeezed his hand.

There was a soft clearing of a throat from behind them and they both turned to see Cullen standing just inside Shai's room. The Commander offered a small smile of repentance. 

"My apologies. I wasn't trying to interrupt."

"Don't fret man, you didn't," Dorian said. "I should leave before we both become a heaving mess of tears. It wouldn't be becoming for persons of our stations. I'll see you later m'dear." He winked at Shai and drifted past the Commander, clapping him lightly on the shoulder. 

The sound of a door closing signaled the Tevinter Mage's departure and then it was just Shai and Cullen standing not even ten feet apart. 

"Cullen I--"

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Good. "

He crossed the distance between them in two strides and pulled her into his arms. She was immediately grateful for his current lack of armor; her face snuggled comfortably into the juncture of his neck and shoulder and she inhaled the smell of his skin. One of his hands cupped the back of her head while the other planted itself firmly against the small of her back.

She held onto him, her chest squeezing suddenly and her throat closing up. She'd given the performance of a lifetime since the trials took place, not letting anyone see how much they had affected her. Of course this was done partly by remaining sequestered away in her room, the other half by avoiding social interaction so she wouldn't be forced to answer questions about how she was feeling or whether she needed to talk things out. 

Whatever well of erratic emotions she was feeling, Cullen seemed to sense it because he did not let her go. Instead his arms tightened and she felt his cheek rest against her hair. Warmth leeched from his body into hers and she felt reassured by it. There was silence in the room for a few minutes until Cullen swallowed and spoke lowly. 

"I'm sorry."

Shai nodded, opening her mouth to respond but her throat constricted and only a small squeak came out. She tried again to the same results and was mortified to have the floodgates open and tears start pouring from her eyes. She did her damndest to keep them from alerting the Commander but there was little to be done. 

The hand on the small of her back started stroking up and down her spine in a slow rhythm as she dug her nails into Cullen's back and held on for dear life. It took her a moment to realize that the sounds of loud, undignified sniffling echoing through her bedchamber were coming from herself. _Well it isn't exactly the first time he's ever seen you cry_ , she thought dimly in some part of her mind. All the same she hated showing weakness, hated letting others know how badly something had affected her because she didn't want their pity or the awkward attention.

That and the fact her tears were diminishing led her to free herself from Cullen's embrace, her hands sliding to plant against his chest as she pushed some room between them. She brushed the back of her hand firmly across her eyes. 

"I'm fine," she said thickly, wiping her face on her shirt sleeve and avoiding eye contact with the Commander. "I'm fine." 

He didn't respond but she could feel the weight of his gaze upon her and her cheeks flamed. She ignored the impulse that demanded she return to Cullen's arms. She'd instantly missed the reassuring weight of his hands on her and the way her body had been pressed so fully against his own. 

"I'm fine," she repeated for a third time even though he hadn't asked her if she was or declared she was lying. 

Finally her gaze lifted to his and in his eyes she saw not pity but understanding and empathy. And then she remembered exactly who she was dealing with: a man fighting his own demons who had bared his soul to her with the same hangups that he would be pitied and look like less of a person for his confession. 

"She never wanted me." Shai's voice cracked on the words and she swallowed. "Never. All she wanted was to get rid of my magic. And then she got rid of me when that didn't work. I hate her," she declared hotly, hands curling into fists. "I hate her. She did everything she could to me; leeches, water, everything those fucking quacks suggested would cure a Mage child. She made my life a living hell and then she packed me off to the Circle when she knew I couldn't be useful to her! I got locked in that fucking tower for years and I would still be there if it wasn't for the rebellion. She only came here because I finally had something I could give her back. I--hate--her!" 

The words rang out through the room and Shai felt her eyes burning with more tears. She blinked harshly and they fell. Cullen hadn't moved from his spot, he just watched her breathe heavily at her confession. 

"It wasn't my fault," she croaked at last. "It wasn't my fault I got powers. It wasn't my fault,"--a  strangled sob left her throat and Shai absently hoped Sophie or anyone else wasn't near enough to her chambers to have heard that for the noise had been quite loud--" Why didn't she want me?" 

Her face crumpled. A pair of painfully familiar arms grabbed her back into their embrace once more and she cried her eyes out against Cullen's chest, soaking his shirtfront. He held onto her fiercely and pressed kisses into her hair. He was murmuring things to her but she couldn't hear over the gasps interspersed with sobs coming from her throat. 

Finally she was spent, her crying subsiding as she reigned her emotions back under control. She felt exhausted but also better in a way, less full of so many unsaid words that just bounced around inside her head violently. Cullen's embrace hadn't loosened and Shai took refuge within the circle of his arms. His proximity was drugging and she was starting to feel very lethargic.   

She shouldn't be sleepy, though, it wasn't even noon yet. But the trials had been draining and opening up her locked box of emotional conflict had been enormously taxing and now all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and not be anyone for the rest of the day. But she couldn't. She knew Josephine had already sent for her father's will; the Ambassador would want to discuss the possible contents of it. 

There was also the not so teensy tiny detail of her and Cullen's relationship being outed to all of Skyhold. The other advisors would have something to say about that and if they didn't then the Seeker would certainly do enough talking and lecturing for all of them. Maker, Shai just hoped the dressing down would be short. She didn't need to hear over and over how irresponsible it was for comrades to start sleeping together and not just comrades but two leaders of an important organization where, if anything went wrong between them, the Inquisition's efficacy could be thrust into jeopardy.

Not to mention that the news was hardly going to stay confined to the Frostbacks. It would no doubt travel and do so rather rapidly. Josephine would want to discuss the implications of that and what would need to be done. Furthermore, Leliana would want to talk about observation for both Cordelia and Luis and get Shai's approval on whatever plans she had already drawn up or considered putting in motion.

It was going to be a long, long, _long_ day and Shai felt her eyelids droop with anticipated exhaustion. She'd be lucky if she'd get to have lunch and not have to skip it and wait around impatiently until supper was served. She would also be fortunate if she got to tomorrow with both ears still intact; she knew there was a high probability they'd be talked off. But maybe that wouldn't be so bad because then she wouldn't have to listen to anything for some time. 

"Are you...alright?" Cullen's voice was soft and full of concern and Shai looked up at him. 

His golden gaze coursed over her features, lingering on the puffy redness of her eyes. He brought his hands up to cradle her face and used his thumbs to wipe residual tears from her cheeks. He hesitated then leaned forward slowly and pressed his lips against her own. The kiss was chaste and gentle, not demanding or inciting but just comforting. 

"I will be," Shai murmured against his mouth. That was the honest truth; in a few days she'd feel better, be able to start to put this behind her. 

She felt Cullen nod in response and their kiss deepened for a few seconds before he pulled away. Their faces remained close, however, and Shai gravitated forward until her forehead was pressed against the Commander's. 

"Thank you," she murmured, her fingers coming up to wrap around Cullen's hands that still rested on either side of her face. Their lips met again, briefly, and then Cullen pressed his mouth to the top of her head. 

"Always."


	54. The Beginning of Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the hell, I finished this faster than I thought so have another chapter on update day.

"Do. You. Have. Any. Idea. How. Inappropriate. This. Is?!"

Cullen frowned sourly and stiffened in his chair. It wasn't his fault Cordelia Trevelyan felt like implicating he and Shai to the masses. He didn't _tell_ her to do it. He didn't _want_ her to do it. He opened his mouth to tell that to the Seeker but the venomous look in her eyes stopped him and he closed his lips, teeth meeting with a soft click. Seeker, Ambassador, and Spymaster had corralled him in Josephine's office. 

Said person was presently behind her desk, hands folded neatly atop her blotter, waiting for Cassandra to finish breathing fire. Leliana leaned against the mantle, arms crossed, face grave, but a look of amusement played across her eyes. Cullen, at the center of attention in his chair of shame (a phrase that had flickered into his mind as soon as he'd sat in it), wished he could be anywhere else, anywhere in Thedas but here.

First off, he didn't know why Cassandra was suddenly so angry. Had it not been she who had approached him at Griffon Wing and given him a reassuring speech that she wouldn't pry into his private affairs? And hadn't Leliana and Josephine whispered more than once behind their hands during war meetings when they were waiting for the Inquisitor to join them about how _adorable_ it was for the Commander to have a crush?

So why then were they all turning on him at once when he'd done nothing wrong? And where was Shai? Maker, he would feel so much better if she were sitting beside him.

"Cullen?" Cassandra snapped, foregoing his title.

Cullen jumped and shook himself, blinking as he tried to remember what he was supposed to have been answering. "Yes?" He managed stupidly after a few beats.

The Seeker made a disgusted noise to end all disgusted noises and turned away from him, her hands planted firmly on her hips.

"He is impossible," she stated to Josephine. The Ambassador merely leaned forward at the accusation and fixed Cullen with a business-like, if sympathetic, look.

"I'm sure you can imagine how much this...leak of information affects the Inquisition?"

"Believe me, Ambassador, it was never my intention for something like this to get out."

"But it did," Leliana weighed in, shifting from her spot to come perch on the edge of Josephine's desk. "And what's more, the news will be widespread. We're in the middle of a war. Gossip is about the only light hearted thing one can find anymore."

"Well they could certainly find something more interesting to talk about," Cullen snapped, cheeks heating.

"More interesting than the last great hope for Thedas and the Commander of her army?" The Spymaster tsked at him reprovingly. "Even juicier the fact she is a Mage and that you're a former member of the Order. A scandal like this will not soon die down."

"It isn't a scandal! For Maker's sake we're both adults!"

"Adults who have a duty to the Inquisition, not to their hormones," Cassandra jumped in, gaze fierce.

Cullen met her stare and returned it in full. He damned well didn't appreciate being chastised like a child about his private life becoming public through no fault of his own. He'd been stuck in this chair for going on an hour now and his posterior was numb and he could just hear the reports piling up on his desk. Not to mention the fact he bloody well had lost the ability to care about this situation thirty minutes ago. Yes it wasn't desirable, yes he knew there would be complications, but they could all handle this a mite better than they currently were.

He said as much and promptly found out that he'd never been stared at so intensely in his life. Cullen sighed and sunk lower in his chair; he knew he looked like he was sulking, which he was, but he couldn't make himself straighten. 

"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Cassandra asked in abject annoyance.

Cullen shifted to lean forward, bracing his forearms on his thighs and clasping his hands. "I didn't want this kind of thing to happen."

"Hardly a revelation," the Seeker retorted and Cullen's lip curled upward.

"Why don't we all take a deep breath," Josephine suggested. "Cassandra, I can take it from here."

The Seeker nodded rigidly but resigned herself to standing in the background as Josephine took the stage.

"No one here is blaming you for what the Inquisitor's mother did. But we cannot ignore the fact that there are now repercussions we must head off as quickly as possible to keep credibility intact. I don't believe I have to spell it out for you how it looks for the Inquisitor to be...carrying on with the Commander."

"We aren't carrying on," Cullen defended automatically. _Carrying on_ sounded like he was paying Shai for her services or something else equally as risque. "We're--"

He stopped. He'd been about to say "in a relationship" but that wasn't exactly the truth. And he wouldn't give a one sided opinion; he'd need to know that was how Shai felt. Which brought to mind the fact that they should probably sit down and hash this whole thing out and establish some sort of label. It seemed like whether or not they felt like doing it (and he did if he was being honest with himself) the time had come for such a discussion to take place, never mind that it would be a discussion born from inconvenience.

"You're doing what exactly?" Leliana asked, eyes narrowing.

Cullen gestured in a dismissive way, knowing that if he opened his mouth to try and explain his foot would find its way there and dig him into a deeper hole than he was already in. "Next question."

The Spymaster cocked an eyebrow but didn't comment. Josephine sighed and brought her fingers to her temples, rubbing in slow circles.

"We will need an official response ready as soon as I receive confirmation that rumors are starting to circulate. Which, by my calculations, will be sometime in the next couple days."

"Tell them Cordelia was lying," Cullen stated bluntly.

"No one will accept that as the truth," Leliana vetoed instantaneously. "Especially because its a rather convenient scapegoat."

"Who cares? Its only simpletons who engage in gossip anyways. If they want to believe some vengeful tale then let them! We have better things to worry about." Cullen started to rise from his chair, intent on making his way from the Ambassador's office with those being his parting words. But Josephine held up a hand and he stopped.

"There may be a way to confirm the rumors and still save face."

"What are you on about, Josie?" 

"Well, there is no denying that this will certainly be looked at as irresponsibility at its finest,"--Cullen bristled at her words (he wasn't irresponsible)--"but we do not have to let that opinion stand. We can try and sway it and I believe that through a certain method, we could succeed." 

"And pray tell what that method would be," Cassandra said stiffly. She still looked perturbed but Cullen could see she was starting to calm down, if only in small increments.

"Its a love story," Josephine said simply, her words followed by an extreme bout of coughing from the Commander.

"What? A love story? No, that's ridiculous!" He and Shai weren't in love, for Maker's sake! They were in lust if anything else with a side dish of like that could turn into something else further along but he digressed. 

"It could work," Leliana said speculatively and Cullen's eyes shot to her. "Everything is all doom and gloom. Something redeeming and hopeful could aid us instead of serving to undermine our authenticity."

"You think anyone will believe it?" Cassandra asked with a snort. 

"Yes," the Ambassador stated with the confidence born from navigating the sticky situations of her profession. "I do. Two strangers brought together by fate, a Mage and an ex-Templar, thrust into a war that will determine the fate of the world. And beyond all the obstacles, overcoming all odds, they find love with each other."

"That's beautiful, Josie," Leliana teased and the Ambassador's olive skin flushed slightly but she smoothed her expression and looked to Cullen. 

"It isn't truly that far fetched. We could begin to circulate that explanation and it would combat rumors of an affair far more effectively than us claiming it was a lie ever would."

"Do the Inquisitor and I have no say in this?" Cullen finally found his voice. He couldn't say that he agreed with the plan fully, but he would be lying to himself if the proposed thought of he and Shai being in love didn't send something warm through his chest. Still, it would all be for appearance's sake only and he tamped down the surge of feeling. 

"You got yourselves into this mess," Cassandra pointed out. "I think letting you two think of a different way to extricate yourselves would be stupid."

"We aren't incompetent," Cullen argued.

"Certainly not," Leliana agreed, clasping her hands behind her back. "We'd have hardly promoted Lady Trevelyan from Herald to Inquisitor if we thought she couldn't hold her own. But Cassandra does have a point. Josie has thought up a rather quick solution and one we can begin to act upon. There is no guarantee you and the Inquisitor would be able to come up with an alternative that wouldn't solely revolve around claiming Cordelia's words were false." 

"You could give us some time," Cullen grated out. 

"We will of course consult the Inquisitor in this matter," the Ambassador stated. 

 _Meaning you'll tell her how its going to go and she'll fight and then give in because the three of you are a force even Shai will have trouble overcoming_ , Cullen thought to himself but he held his tongue.

"Is that all then?" He asked woodenly, itching to stride from this place of entrapment and return to his work.

"For now," Josephine said with a small smile. She whipped a piece of blank parchment out of a desk drawer and dipped her quill in its ink pot. "I'll begin making the necessary arrangements."

"I thought you were going to consult Shai--I mean--the Inquisitor?"

"We will. But just to speed things along..." The Ambassador finished her writing off with a signed flourish and set her quill down. "There now that that's--"

The door to Josephine's office flew open and rebounded off the stone wall loudly. All the room's occupants turned to see Shai silhouetted in the doorway. Cullen's heart gave a leap at her appearance but he shoved his chair back and stood once he got a good look at her face.

"Inquisitor? Is something wrong?" Josephine had risen from behind her desk. Leliana and Cassandra wore identical looks of growing concern.

Cullen's eyes fell to Shai's right hand, which held a piece of paper in a tight fist.

"Warden Blackwall is gone," she stated.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun, dun, dun


	55. Those We Thought We Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo some exciting news (at least for me, hopefully for some of ya'll): I've got another DA:I fanfic in the makings and hope to publish it once I conclude this one. It'll definitely be an epic and I've been planning how to work in Cullen's sibs but yeah I'm super excited to get it out there and I've already got the first couple chapters done but hopefully some of you dear readers will humor me and give it some love when its finally published :) Also for anyone in the ATLA fandom, not to plug my own work or anything, but I tried my hand at a one shot called "After All is Said and Done" and I'd love you for life if you'd take a chance to read and maybe review <3 
> 
> *Also also, if you haven't gotten to Blackwall's personal quest in the game and you have arrived at this chapter, turn back ye of spoiler free playing before its too late.
> 
> *Sorry this is going up later in the day, I have officially become obsessed with Black Sails and if you haven't seen it I suggest watching it because Captain Vane. That is all. (shows pretty good on its own too)

"Steady," Cullen cautioned at her elbow.

Shai barely heard him. She was more or less barreling her way through the Summer Bazaar. She could hear the crowd, could see a gallows erected, could feel her heart threatening to beat out of her chest. Why had Blackwall taken off so suddenly? What in Thedas did some criminal from the Callier Massacre have to do with the Warden? She hoped for Blackwall's sake he was in a talkative mood after all was said and done because she was going to wring answers from him regardless. 

"Steady," Cullen repeated and his hand settled on her arm.

She threw a glance at him over her shoulder. His face was stern but smooth, eyes alert. He'd accompanied her without hesitation to Val Royeaux along with a squadron of his men. She'd been so dead set on leaving at the earliest convenience that it had been decided a larger party would only slow matters down. Besides, no one in Skyhold exactly knew _when_ Blackwall had slipped away, only that he was gone. Intercepting him or, at the very, least finding him before he could disappear again was of the utmost importance. 

Shai drew up short as she and Cullen reached the back of the gathered crowd. A light rain had started to fall right as they'd reached Val Royeaux and now it was threatening to turn into a downpour. She dragged a hand over her face to clear it of moisture and blinked, her eyes focusing on three men occupying the gallows. One, a guard, held an unfurled scroll, his thick accent garbling the words slightly as he read a list of charges.

"Cyril Mornay, for your crimes against the Empire of Orlais..."

"Where is Blackwall?" Shai whispered, eyes fervently searching the crowd. She saw neither hide, hair, nor beard of the Warden and her brows drew down into a frown. "He should be here shouldn't he?"

"And he probably is," Cullen responded lowly. "Patience." He'd moved to stand directly beside her instead of keeping half a pace behind her determined stride.

"For the murders of General Vincent Callier, Lady Lorette Callier, their four children, and their retainers..."

The accused, Cyril Mornay, gazed blankly out at the crowd from his position on the gallows. He swayed minutely on his knees and Shai wondered if he wasn't about to faint dead away. 

"You are sentenced to be hanged from the neck until dead."

Mornay gave a shudder and his head bowed, eyes closing. Gasps and murmurs wound their way through the crowd though Shai didn't know how any of them could be surprised at the ruling. A noose swung directly over Mornay's head, proclaiming his impending death to all.

"Do you have anything to say in your defense?" The guard asked closing the scroll, his face hidden behind the ornate helmet he wore. 

Mornay acted as if he hadn't heard the question and the guard gestured at the third man atop the gallows. The trademark hood of the executioner concealed the headsman's face and Shai felt bile rise in the back of her throat as Mornay was pulled to his feet. She might've killed more people in the past year than most would ever in twelve lifespans, but it didn't mean she wanted to watch a man have his neck snapped. 

"I don't want to watch," she murmured, lips barely moving. 

Cullen's hand settled unobtrusively against the small of her back. He faced the gallows resolutely, face a mask of stone. Titters from her left made Shai turn to see two Orlesian women with fans raised to block their mouths. Her eyes narrowed as she watched the women look her up and down and then direct their intrusive glances past her. _Oh_ , she thought. _Oh_.

She stepped away from Cullen reflexively, instantly wondering why she was letting a bit of ill bred gossip get to her. She felt more than saw him turn his attention to her at the sudden loss of connection.

"We've been spotted," she said out of the side of her mouth and the Commander made a noise in his throat.

The sounds from the crowd began to escalate in volume and Shai's head snapped back to the gallows. Mornay had the noose placed around his neck, still wearing a blank, dazed expression although there now seemed to be sorrow around its edges.

"Is he sorry for himself or for the people he killed," Cullen mumbled as if lost in thought and Shai started at how acutely he'd read her mind without knowing it. 

"Proceed!" The guard commanded loudly at the same time a a congested--but familiar--voice yelled, "Stop!"

Shai's heart did just that for a beat as she watched Warden Blackwall climb the stairs of the gallows. Cullen drew in a sharp breath. _What're you doing?!_  her mind screamed at her companion. _What in the name of the Maker are you doing?!_

"What business does a Grey Warden have interfering with official decree?" The guard challenged, hand going to the sword at his side.

"This man is innocent of the crimes laid before him," Blackwall declared to another round of gasps. Absently Shai wondered if Orlesians ever did anything else but gasp and titter.

"Orders were given and he followed them like any good soldier," Blackwall continued.

"Now wait just a minute," the guard challenged, taking a step forward. 

"Cullen," Shai said, hands moving slowly to unstrap her staff from her back.

"Easy," the Commander returned but she glanced down to see his hand wrapping itself around his sword hilt.

"He should not die for that mistake," Blackwall explained more to the guard than to the crowd. Mornay in the background was looking in abject confusion at his momentary savior, mouth slightly agape.  

"Since you seem to know so much perhaps you would do me the honor of finding the man who gave the order," the guard nearly hissed, sword sliding out of its sheath. 

"Cullen," said Shai again, voice more urgent. She was on the balls of her feet, prepared to take flight through the crowd. Her blood was singing in her veins, adrenaline making her pulse thud loudly in her ears.

Blackwall stared at the guard for a minute more before he looked away. His shoulders lowered and his brows drew down over his eyes.

"Maker's breath," Cullen whispered.

"Blackwall!" Shai cried impulsively.

The crowd turned as a unit to see who this new intruder was and, true to form, gasped again.

"Its the Inquisitor--"

"And the Commander--"

"What's she doing--"

"Such excitement--"

The Warden straightened at Shai's call and his eyes picked her out immediately, although it wasn't too hard of a feat with everyone in the near vicinity turned towards her. 

"No," he stated harshly. "I am not Blackwall. I never was Blackwall. Warden Blackwall is dead and has been for years."

Shai froze, feet rooting themselves to the spot. She fancied not even a massive tidal wave could have moved her in that instant. 

"I assumed his name to hide, like a coward, from who I really am."

"You!" Mornay suddenly shouted and everyone jumped at the loudness of his voice. "After all this time?" 

His tone wasn't one of unquestionable anger but rather of surprise. He looked as if someone had taken a club and knocked him round the head with it a few times. 

"Me," Blackwall agreed almost too quietly to be heard. "It's over. I'm done hiding. I gave the order, the crime is mine!" His last sentence rang out across the Summer Bazaar. "I am Thom Rainier."

"Aw fuck," Shai said in the moment of stillness that followed the confession.

Then the gallows guard was signaling to his comrades and Blackwall--Rainier--was secured between two of them and marched away, the crowd's confused and surprised comments following. 

"Where are they taking him?" Shai turned to Cullen. His face was grim and his eyes followed the trio until they were out of sight.

"I'd expect the prison," he intoned matter of factly. "I can't think of anywhere else they might place him. Come on."

He led the way and Shai followed, lengthening her stride to keep up with his own. She had so many questions bumping around the inside of her head but there was a connection clearly down between her brain and mouth because she could not speak any of them into existence. The Commander was hardly begrudging her her lack of communication and she figured maybe silence was appropriate for such a revelation.  

The prison was at the far end of the bazaar, sequestered behind a manned gate. Shai and Cullen gave their credentials and the guard let them pass into the prison albeit after taking a good look at Shai's mark to be sure they were telling the truth. The inside was dim despite the torches in sconces on the stone walls. A weathered wooden desk sat squarely in the antechamber, the man seated behind it clearly monitoring entrance to the cells beyond. 

"What is your business here?" He asked, not deigning to rise. He wore no all encompassing helmet and his piercing blue eyes raked over Shai and Cullen. Grey hair was pulled back from a high brow into a low ponytail and a goatee of matching color framed his mouth.

"We're with the Inquisition," Shai stated.

The man didn't so much as cock an eyebrow at her announcement. "I see."

"I am Commander Cullen and this is Inquisitor Trevelyan," Cullen divulged. "We wish to speak with Warden--Thom Rainier." His tone was brisk, professional, brooking no argument.

"Commander, Inquisitor. I am Captain Beauchamp." The Captain stood and planted both hands on his desk. The torchlight reflected across the meticulously polished silver of his cuirass. "For what purpose do you wish to converse with _our_ prisoner?"

"He was a key member of the Inquisition and his departure from our ranks was...unannounced," Shai explained haltingly, trying to string together a pressing enough need to consult with the Warden, or whatever he was. If the Captain refused them contact with him then they would have to return to Skyhold and have Josephine devise an order that would give them jurisdiction in Val Royeaux and that just sounded like such an unnecessary headache.

"I see," Captain Beauchamp said again. "And I take it you do not believe that we will be releasing Thom Rainier into your custody?"

"No," Cullen answered shortly. "We simply wish to converse with the man."

"Hmm." The Captain seated himself once more and, picking up his quill, scratched a notation onto the piece of parchment before him. "Be that as it may, I cannot allow the conversation to happen unsupervised. I will have one of my men escort you down to Thom Rainier's cell. Please be advised that if this is some sort of ploy to break the prisoner out, you will not be leaving here today with your lives."

"We are who we say we are," Cullen grated out. "We only wish to speak with Rainier and obtain some answers."

"Very well," Captain Beauchamp said. "Lieutenant Devereux!"

"Captain." A guard poked his head into the antechamber from an adjoining room.

"Take our guests below to Thom Rainier's cell. Remain with them while they visit and then return them to me when they are through."

"Captain." Devereux saluted and then beckoned to Shai and Cullen. "If you will follow me." 

"Go," Cullen said and gave Shai a gentle push towards the Lieutenant who was busy unlocking the barred door that sat behind the Captain's desk. "I'll wait here." 

Shai looked at the Commander for a few beats but nodded and followed Devereux into the bowels of the prison. The temperature dropped the further down they drew and she shivered at the sudden coldness that coursed over her. The scent of mildew was strong as they approached the main cell bank and water dripped constantly from leaks in the ceiling. 

"Hardly a cheerful place, non?" Lieutenant Devereux said conversationally. 

"No...not at all," Shai agreed. 

"Through here." Devereux departed from the main bank and into an almost pitch black hallway. Shai repressed the urge to light a fire in her palm to avoid tripping over some unseen obstacle; she doubted the Lieutenant would appreciate a sudden manifestation of magic. 

"I will wait for you here," Devereux said, bringing them to a halt. Before them at the end of the hallway was an arch and built into that was a cell, the steel of the bars just barely visible in the gloom.

"He's...in there?" Shai asked, taking a step past the Lieutenant. 

"Oui, Mademoiselle. I would suggest being quick about it. Captain Beauchamp is not a patient man and will be expecting our return presently."

Shai approached the cell without further ado. Her eyes were adjusting bit by bit but it still took her a few seconds of squinting before she was able to make out a form seated just beyond the bars.

"Blackwall?" She called softly, unsure if that was how she was to address him but unable to call the name Thom Rainier to her lips fast enough. 

"I didn't take Blackwall's life," came the melancholy answer. "I traded his death. He wanted me for the Wardens, but there was an ambush. Darkspawn. He was killed. I took his name to stop the world from losing a good man..."

"You lied to me," Shai said in the wake of his silence. Her brain felt ground to a halt with confusion and hurt and she had so many questions she'd need an entire day to be able to get all the answers to. "Why?"

"You would have accepted me to the Inquisition if I had not?" Blackwall--Rainier--asked. He turned his head to look at her and his deep set eyes flickered in the dark. "You would have welcomed me with the same enthusiasm if I had confessed who I was on the spot?" 

The question was rhetorical and Shai shut her mouth after opening it to respond. 

"Exactly." 

"You didn't have to do this," she stated after a few minutes had passed, gesturing to the prison around them.  

"The man the true Blackwall was wouldn't have allowed another to die in his place." 

"So what? You were just going to live out the rest of your life doing what he would and wouldn't do? No choices based on your own character?!" Her voice rose sharply and she brought it back down. Until this exact moment she hadn't realized how hurt she was by this betrayal. _Delayed shock_ , she thought numbly. Of all the would be reasons for the Warden's disappearance, she hadn't expected this. 

"As Blackwall I was something. I had a purpose, I could make amends." 

"And you don't think you could have easily made those by telling me, of all people, the truth?" 

"You would have gone straight to your advisors, turned me over to the justice of the Inquisition. I would've ended up here a lot sooner."

"Don't pretend like you know my mind!" Shai challenged angrily.

"Then answer me honestly," Blackwall said, his face turning to hers for the first time since their conversation had begun. "Would you have kept my identity a secret? Hidden it from anyone else? _Lied_ for me?" 

Her sharp exhalation of breath was enough answer for them both. 

"Why are you here?" He continued, his face ducking away from her gaze once again. 

"I wanted an explanation," she said lowly. "I think I deserve that much." 

Blackwall launched to his feet and his hands slammed against the bars making them rattle. Shai barely kept herself from taking a step back, meeting the man's tortured eyes. 

"I gave the order to kill Lord Callier, his entourage, and I lied to my men about what they were doing! When it came to light, I ran! Those men, my men, paid for my treason while I was pretending to be a better man! This is what I am. A murderer, a traitor...a monster! Do you understand that?!"

The bars rattled again, viciously.

"Hey!" Devereux called down the hallway. "Settle down in there!" 

"Look at me and tell me you understand!" Blackwall challenged, ignoring the Lieutenant's warning. "Tell me you understand what I am! What I've done! The blood that stains my hands!" 

"I think it is time we leave." Devereux was suddenly at Shai's elbow, his hand grasping her arm gently but firmly. He started to pull her back from the cell, his undeterred movements making her feet move in accordance to avoid ending up on her ass. 

"Leave me here!" Blackwall called after them. "Don't you dare use your power to bring me back to Skyhold. Don't you dare! I accept my fate, do you hear me? Inquisitor! I accept my fate!"

Shai's ears--and the prison walls--rang with the declarations as she ascended back to the antechamber where Cullen awaited. 

 


	56. The Consequences of Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly is now a college graduate :)

The trial was delayed an hour, then two, then three, then rescheduled for the next morning. But when all of Skyhold rose to see the fate of the man they'd known as Warden Blackwall, they discovered that his judgement had again been pushed back until the following day. Then the whispers started. The Inquisitor wasn't going to be able to do it, her mother and the pretender from Tevinter had exacted too great a toll, she couldn't face another betrayer; she was considering executing the faux Warden; she and her counsel were having problems extraditing him from Val Royeaux.

In truth Cullen knew that none of them were true. Josephine had pulled some of the many strings that always dangled at her disposal and had had Warden Blackwall sent back to Skyhold under heavy guard. Cullen himself had been there to personally see the man locked into a cell with two guards watching the door at all times. He didn't think they'd have any trouble with the Warden--the man looked quite resigned as it was--but he wasn't taking any chances that the cell might turn up empty one day...or that someone would take it upon themselves to exact some self-justified revenge.

Cullen wouldn't approve of someone cheating Blackwall of a trial, but he would be lying if he said he would be unable to understand how such emotions could arise. What Blackwall had done to his men as Thom Rainier was unacceptable in Cullen's opinion. He'd felt animosity towards the man brewing in his gut from the moment Blackwall had professed his guilt in Val Royeaux and that feeling hadn't exactly abated with the way the Warden had betrayed the trust of so many, including the Inquisition's and Shai's.

When he thought of the soldiers thrown to the wolves by their leader, not to mention those innocents killed in the massacre...yet the man had fought for the Inquisition, had bled alongside every other fighter, had--by Shai's own admissions--saved her life on more than one occasion. That muddled things. The Warden could've continued hiding out, probably gone to his death bed without ever letting on who he really was, but he turned around and outed himself...why? Atonement was the word that came to Cullen's mind closely linked with the image of the Warden; atonement and repentance. 

Blackwall's trial was finally set in stone for the end of the week. When the designated day rolled around the great hall was arguably just as crowded as it had been for the trials of Cordelia and Luis, if not more so. The accused was led in between two guards but didn't need to wait for their prodding before taking a knee before Shai on the throne. 

Cullen, off to the side, watched her face. On their ride back from Val Royeaux he hadn't gotten a lot of time to discuss Blackwall's confession beyond Shai stating that they would need to have him extradited to Skyhold for trial. She'd been quiet for the majority of the journey home and Cullen couldn't blame her; this was a second betrayal coming right on the heels of a very painful first one that had dredged up many long buried emotions. He had had a niggling suspicion that Blackwall's previous status as Shai's inner circle was probably the only thing that kept him from being left in Orlais; she had clearly honored their preexisting relationship.

"Shall I read the list of charges, Inquisitor?" Josephine asked, tablet at the ready.

"Please," Shai responded steadily, sitting up squarely. 

"For judgement this day I must present Captain Thom Rainier, formerly known to us as Warden Blackwall. His crimes...well...you are aware of his crimes as is everyone gathered. It was no small expense to bring him here, but the decision of what to do with him is now yours."

"Warden Blackwall," Shai greeted.

"Inquisitor," the Warden returned hoarsely. He didn't raise his eyes to her person, keeping them firmly fixed on the ground.

"No word of thanks for bringing you here instead of leaving you to the prisons?"

"I accepted my punishment," Blackwall contested, gaze finally leaving the stone floor to meet Shai's own. "You could have left me there. You didn't need to bring me back."

"But I did," she said simply. 

"I was ready for all this to end." A note of bewilderment crept into the Warden's voice and the manacles around his wrists rattled as he gestured. "Why would you stop it? What becomes of me now?" 

"There are many ways I could answer that question," Shai said lowly. She shifted in her seat and the gathered crowd seemed to lean forward imperceptibly, waiting for the axe to fall. "I could send you back to Val Royeaux, let you be there problem. I could exile you from Ferelden, forbidding your return on pain of death. I could hand you over to the Grey Wardens since you were so clearly dedicated to being one; I'm sure they would welcome another body especially after the happenings of Adamant. I could absolve you but I don't think you want me to do that, nor do I think it would actually bear any sort of real credence. I can't take away your past transgressions and I can't right them; the former is a power only the Maker holds and the latter is within your power and yours alone."

"Which will it be then?" Blackwall asked, straightening where he knelt, settling his shoulders back, raising his head, his posture that of a man willing to meet his punishment head on no matter the severity. 

"None," Shai said after a few beats and Cullen frowned. 

 _None? She can't just let him go!_ The murmurs that started to run through the ground echoed his thoughts. He heard a pair of women standing a few feet from him begin to whisper that perhaps the Inquisitor had gone soft and wouldn't that just serve them well in the battle with Corephe-whateverhisnamewas?

"None?" Blackwall's face clouded and he bared his teeth. "You can't not punish me!" 

"You will not sit there and tell me what I can and cannot do," Shai reprimanded, voice going cold and stern. "You are at my mercy, under my jurisdiction." 

The people would never accept a freely given absolution. Cullen knew this in the bottom of his heart and he dearly hoped Shai wasn't letting a past affinity for the Warden cloud her judgement. She'd undo everything they'd done in credibility up to this point if she simply allowed him to waltz from the great hall unscathed. Not that Blackwall wouldn't protest such a light slap on the wrist but Cullen knew his protestations would be nothing under the Inquisitor's official seal. 

"Warden Blackwall, why did you journey to Val Royeaux and expose yourself when you very well could have remained here and hidden for the rest of your days?" 

"Is that an honest question?" Blackwall replied, dumbfounded. 

"It is. Answer it."

"I couldn't let another die where my name was involved," he stated bluntly. "Enough have done so. I saw a chance to atone, to take ownership for what I had done, to not hide in the shadows any longer under an assumed identity like a coward. People, innocent people, were killed because of me. My men took the brunt of the punishment while I escaped unharmed. I would not let that falsity continue any longer...the time had come for me to make amends." 

"And you were fully prepared for whatever sentence you might have received by so publicly revealing yourself?"

"Yes," Blackwall declared shortly. "I would have welcomed it." 

There were more whispers and murmurs but Cullen let them flow in one ear and out the other. He was trying to figure out what Shai was getting at and doing a rather poor job of it. She already knew that Blackwall had meant to atone for his past deeds, why make him restate it? Likewise she was already aware that he would have quietly acquiesced with whatever punishment he would have received for his confession, why have him confirm that yet again?

"Hmm." Shai sat back in the throne regarding the Warden. 

Her eyes remained on him for longer than necessary yet Cullen never saw Blackwall squirm beneath the steady gaze of pale green, never saw him look away and turn his face from it. Finally Shai rose from the throne and the air in the hall grew considerably tenser. 

"Warden Blackwall," she began, voice ringing out to all corners. "By your own doings you have revealed yourself to be not a Warden but an impersonator, a criminal known as Thom Rainier who has hidden from justice for many years. You allowed others to die for you, abandoned those who looked to you as their leader, saved yourself above all the rest. Yet you have come forward and confessed to all of it, put your fate in the hands of those who could very well have sent you to the gallows. And here, in front of all those who call the Inquisition home, you have declared that you were looking to atone for your wrong doings,"--Shai paused to let her words sink in before continuing,--"The Inquisition is nothing if not a place for new beginnings. I was once looked at as a criminal myself not too long ago yet here I stand as a leader, as someone I would hope most of you trust,"--her gaze alighted on the faces of the masses--"And I have tried to atone for the unfortunate circumstances that led me to be the Herald. In part, that has been because I was allowed to do so..." Everyone in the hall held their breath, Cullen included. 

"So I would extend the same generosity to a man that has been, if nothing else, a stalwart defender of my life despite what he claimed to be and despite what crimes he has committed. I am not absolving Warden Blackwall; as I already stated, that cannot be done by me alone. I am not clearing him of any responsibility; that would be unfair to the dead and unjust. I am, however, offering him a chance to continue to do what he said he was seeking to accomplish. Captain Thom Rainier, previously known as Warden Blackwall, your fate will be determined in a trial by combat."

Cullen watched Blackwall's eyes widen and his mouth drop open. He glanced to his left and saw that Josephine and Leliana were exchanging surprised and somewhat wary looks. The crowd was certainly voicing their opinions and the roar from the individual conversations was growing louder and louder. Shai had to hold her hands out in a gesture for silence for a solid minute before the calamity died down enough for her to be heard. 

"You will be allowed to fight to remain within the Inquisition; I can only assume this is still a desire of yours. You will be allowed to fight to begin to make reparations; I will not have it be said that I _allowed_ you to stay. You continuing on here is something you must prove you are worthy of, not only to me but to those gathered today. You will work for your fate, Warden Blackwall, or you will be deserving of what it deals you."

"A trial by combat," the Warden rumbled after a few beats, his tone sounding as if he were rolling the words around in his mouth, testing their weight on his tongue. "Very well, I accept."

+++++++

A space in the frozen valley below Skyhold was cleared. The snow was melted away by the joint efforts of the Inquisition's mages. Recruits combed the ground beneath into some sort of semblance; the final result was a long way from a proper arena but it would have to do. The trial by combat was taking place immediately and there was no real time to prepare. 

Cullen stood next to the Seeker a distance from the eager spectators who had flooded out of Skyhold and claimed spots around the impromptu battleground. His breath was visible in the frosty air and he felt frozen inside his armor. At least within the Inquisition's fortress there were walls to break the ever present, biting mountain wind; out here there was nothing.

"What was she thinking?" Cassandra intoned lowly. The Inquisitor's team couldn't be seen publicly disagreeing with her ruling; they were all on one side, a united front.

"Why not ask her?' Cullen responded for he had no true answer to the question.

He could speculate that Shai had probably seen a trial by combat as the only fair way to determine Warden Blackwall's fate; it was completely out of left wing but it wasn't an unprecedented way to resolve a trial. She could have thought he wouldn't accept any other sort of sentence beside one he earned with his own two hands. She could have seen her hands to be tied and risked inciting the crowd at a lighter sentence or having the Warden walk out on his own accord on feelings of justice being shirked for nepotism. Whatever the reason, the sentence was now set in stone and it would be carried out forthright.

Cullen wondered who Shai had picked to fight Blackwall. He hadn't heard it mentioned among any of his men that they'd been chosen to be the Inquisitor's champion so he surmised that left her remaining companions. The Iron Bull or the Seeker were the most logical options. But since Cassandra was presently next to him, he could rule out that it wasn't her. He hadn't caught sight of the massive Qunari yet by the battle ground so maybe it was him. Shai had kept her decisions hush hush and he doubted even Josephine's shrewd negotiating had managed to wheedle out the Inquisitor's secret.

There was a slight commotion coming from behind Cullen and he turned partly, directing his gaze over his right shoulder. Warden Blackwall, armed in his usual armor, carrying sword and shield, was advancing towards them. He walked alone but a small crowd tailed him, their gazes eager and interested. The Warden passed the Seeker and Cullen, acknowledging them with a short nod. Cullen felt his own head incline but Blackwall was past them too quickly to see the returned gesture. 

"She did specify there would be no killing, did she not?" Cassandra asked, eyes tracking the Warden's progress.

"Yes," Cullen answered. He distinctly remembered Shai doling out the rules before the guards had removed Blackwall: no until the death, winner would be determined by who bested who, if Blackwall won he could stay, if he lost then the Inquisitor would decide what happened from there. Somehow the removed element of death made what was about to happen no less severe; it would be a hard won fight by whoever triumphed, though not knowing whom Shai had picked to represent her he couldn't begin to place wagers. 

"Perhaps this is how we should have settled all judgements." The Seeker's tone was dry and she accompanied her statement with a derisive snort. "It does have its attractions. It certainly removes the need for a mastery of politics, or at least a basic understanding." 

"That it does," Cullen agreed. "But I can't say all of our prisoners would fight fairly." His mind was on the Tevinter Magister they'd brought back in chains from Redcliffe. Absently he watched Blackwall practicing a few maneuvers in the middle of the appointed battle ground. 

"No, I cannot say with certainty that they would."

Gasps of surprise came to Cullen's ears and he looked to the spectators. Their gazes were directed over his head and he spun on his heel. His expression froze and he felt like he'd been clocked upside the head, such was his feeling of being completely caught off guard. 

Shai was walking across the snow sandwiched between Ambassador and Spymaster. While Josephine and Leliana were dressed in their usual attire plus heavy cloaks to shield against the temperature, Shai was fully suited and held her staff in her right hand. She drew closer until she was standing just before them, expression fixed and determined.   

"What are you doing?" Cullen blurted. He had to admit, as stupid as it made him feel, that he hadn't ever considered Shai herself fighting Blackwall. The thought had never even come close to crossing his mind; he couldn't say why it hadn't only that he had felt it was something she wouldn't want to do. But he supposed he should have known better. 

"I'll give you three guesses," Shai responded but her voice was too lined with rigidity to make her words sound like the throwaway line they were. 

"Are you quite serious, Inquisitor?" Cassandra queried. 

"I am," was the cut and dry response. 

"You allowed this?" Cassandra said, eyebrows pulling low over her eyes as she looked to Josephine, then Leliana, then back to the former.  

"The Inquisitor and I spoke at length about this. She expressed her desire that she be the one to handle Warden Blackwall's sentence and chose not to elect a champion." 

"Its hardly an unheard of thing for the accuser to participate in the trial," Leliana put in, inclining her head in Shai's direction. 

"But you're using real weapons," Cullen stated dumbly, eyes flicking up and down Shai's staff. She sighed in what he could only describe as annoyance. 

"Is everyone so dead set on questioning my judgment? Yes, we're using real weapons because its a _real_ trial. No one's going to die. Look, I don't have time to spell this all out for everyone. Blackwall won't be accepted back by anyone in Skyhold unless he earns his place again. People need to see him atone for what he's done with more than just long term actions--"

"And him fighting you is the way to do that?" Cullen interrupted and then promptly winced when Shai's glare fell upon him.

He didn't know why he didn't just button his mouth and accept her plan. He was just worried for her safety. He'd sparred with Blackwall and the Warden didn't pull any punches. Not that he thought Shai was weak; she wouldn't have lasted long in the field if she hadn't been such a scrappy fighter. But watching her blood spilled, even in harmless non-fatal cuts wasn't something he wanted to sit through; call it a protective instinct kicking in but he much preferred her in one piece.

"Like I said, he needs to be seen _earning_ his place back. A trial by combat was the only way I could think to allow him to be able to do that. My pardoning wasn't going to just get rid of any hostility. At least what hostility he will receive after this might be tinged with some sort of grudging acceptance if he stays..."

"The plan is solid," Leliana advocated. "And it makes sense. We're wasting time arguing over minor details. We should begin the trial presently and see this affair done with."

Shai made an affirmative noise and stepped past Cassandra and Cullen. The latter felt his fingertips brush against Shai's arm as she strode away from them and he turned to follow her with his eyes. 

"She'll be fine," Leliana murmured but he didn't bother acknowledging the statement. 

When Josephine strode into the makeshift battle ground, all the conversation from the spectators died. Blackwall stood at one end and Shai had taken up position at the other. The Ambassador cleared her throat and addressed all those gathered. 

"In the sight of the Maker and men, we gather to ascertain the future of Captain Thom Rainier, formerly known as Warden Blackwall. May the Maker grant him mercy and give him such justice as he deserves." 

Josephine executed a slight bow and strode from the cleared ground to just the very edge. She pivoted on her heel and faced the combatants. 

"Approach," she declared and the two sides came to the center of the ground. Cullen felt anticipation start to thrum through his veins.

The Warden bowed, his steel armor clanking and Shai returned the gesture.

"Begin," Josephine declared, dropping the hand she had raised.

Blackwall struck first. He spun, lashing out with his sword. Shai neatly jumped back from the swinging blade and Cullen felt his heart leap into his throat at how very close she had just come to being disemboweled. Yes she had armor on, but it didn't cover everything and it was made of lighter stuff than her opponent's to allow her more agility. 

The Warden advanced, shield at the ready, sword poised beside it ready to strike. He lunged, cutting a wide sweep through the air. Shai disappeared in a blur of motion, her fade step carrying her around Blackwall to the other side of the battle ground. From her new vantage point she unleashed a barrage of energy blasts. Electric projectiles shot through the air. Blackwall got his shield up just in time to block them and when he lowered it his expression was grim.

Back and forth it went for the first couple minutes. Each stayed out of the other's immediate range and in Blackwall's case just made sure to block whatever magic flew through the air. It was the Warden who eventually landed the first blow. Shai was too slow to back away when she rushed to engage in close quarters. The blade of Blackwall's sword rapped smartly across her ribs and the crowd reacted at the fierceness of the blow.

Cullen felt his stomach turn over as he searched the ground for any drops of blood. He saw none right away and felt his shoulders relax but when Shai spun away from her opponent's following attack, Cullen could see the dark stain spreading on the side of her leather jerkin. 

"She's bleeding," he said, voice strained. Cassandra, who had remained by his side, inhaled sharply but said nothing.

Soon shouts and grunts from the two fighters were filling the mountain air. The attacks were growing more aggressive as each sought to gain the upper hand. Blackwall's leg had been singed quite badly by a fireball and Shai had a growing bruise on her jaw. Her hair stuck to her face with sweat and she had a shallow cut leaking blood across one cheek. But neither gave any ground to the other. At one point Blackwall was forced entirely to the edge of the battle ground by a steady flow of fire balls. His booted feet slid off the cleared ground and into the snow, stirring up piles of slush.

Shai came towards him steadily, forcing him to stand in place as he continued to block her attacks. Cullen was reminded of an impromptu lesson one of the older Templars had taught him upon his joining: _Mages don't necessarily need to be powerful; all they have to do is pin you down and wear you out_. Suddenly Blackwall's sword flew through the air. Shai ducked out of the way, losing her footing and rolling to the ground. The Warden was off after his weapon in a flash. He scooped it up and had the point directed at Shai's bared throat before she could regain her footing.

The crowd seemed to deflate that the trial was over that quickly. Murmurs of discontent filled the air and Cullen made a face.

"I believe the Warden will be staying," Cassandra remarked drily from beside him, an undercurrent of disdain threading her tone.

Cullen was about to nod when Shai whipped her staff up and caught Blackwall in the side of the head. A ringing resounded from the contact between his helmet and the staff's blade. Shai grappled to her feet, hooking the Warden behind the knees with her staff before giving it a sharp tug. Blackwall crashed to the ground, unbalanced and caught by surprise.

"Or not," the Seeker amended as the crowd reacted to the abrupt change in events.

Shai joined the Warden in the dirt in the next second when Blackwall's shield crashed into her thigh--hard--and caused her legs to buckle. The Warden lashed out with his sword and Shai rolled away, the blade embedding itself in the earth where the Inquisitor had just been. _Maker's breath, they're going to kill each other_ , Cullen worried as Shai brought her hand up and sent a stream of flares towards the Warden's face.

He blocked with his sword arm instead of his shield. The smell of burning leather and flesh came acrid on the air to the nose's of the spectators and more than a few eyes watered at the unpleasant sting of such a scent. A loud growl of frustration was all the warning Shai received before Blackwall combat rolled faster than Cullen would have thought him possible of. The Warden came up behind the Inquisitor and this time his shield caught her in the back and thrust her forward.

Shai spun and unleashed a lightning bolt that struck the ground a centimeter from Blackwall's left foot. She spat viciously and Cullen saw her bottom lip was split, crimson welling from the cut. With a strangled yell, Shai swung her staff above her head. The blade at the end burned a bright orange and a stream of fire trailed in its wake. Blackwall retreated but not before a large portion of his front was singed black. Again Shai advanced with steady barrages of magic and again the Warden was forced backwards, unable to turn to either side lest he leave himself vulnerable.

"If they carry on like this it will never end," Cassandra observed darkly and Cullen grunted in agreement.

Both participants were far too used to fighting alongside each other to gain the complete upper hand it seemed. What blows had been landed were few and far between, not to mention most were achieved through the element of surprise. It seemed the trial would be a very long one indeed considering "to the death" was a determining factor that had been removed.

"Could it end in a draw?" He speculated as Blackwall bore the brunt of a lightning barrage.

"Doubtful," Cassandra said as Shai twirled her staff nimbly through her fingers in preparation for another attack. "Someone is going to have to come out victorious otherwise there will just be another trial."

Blackwall hefted his shield and began to work his way back to his opponent. The force behind Shai's attacks only grew stronger the closer he got to her and his shield shook each time a spell connected with it. When they were but ten feet apart he rushed his opponent with a move Cullen knew to be appropriately named "Charging Bull". The Warden's shield struck Shai in her chest before she could dodge and her staff went flying as she threw her arms out for balance. The attack had had a good amount of strength behind it and Shai collapsed, thunking into the dirt, her head bouncing off the packed earth.

Cullen saw the breath whoosh from her lungs as she laid on her back, eyes staring dazedly up at the sky. The crowd held their breaths when Blackwall's sword point once more came to rest against the Inquisitor's bared throat.

"Yield," demanded the Warden, voice lighter than usual as it came sandwiched between pants.

For a moment there was no movement on the Inquisitor's end and then very slowly she raised two fingers. It was over. Scattered cheers and claps came from the gathered spectators but they weren't very loud nor very prolific. For the most part there was silence, broken only by the sound of Blackwall sheathing his sword. He extended a hand down to Shai and she grasped it feebly as he pulled her to her feet.

For a few seconds she swayed and seemed about to fall, but she steadied herself, straightening her spine though Cullen's narrowed eyes saw a fresh bout of perspiration appear on her forehead accompanied by a grimace she swept from her face immediately. When she spoke her voice was steady but it was strained and sounded as if she were forcing it through her teeth.

"Captain Thom Rainier, known to us as Warden Blackwall, has proven himself on the field of battle." She stopped and took a breath but it looked pained and Cullen couldn't help an involuntary step forward. "By the rules decided before the trial, he will be allowed to stay."

No major reaction from the crowd besides the dim buzz of murmuring and then in pairs and singles they started to disperse. Blackwall turned towards Shai and said something indiscernible but she nodded quickly and he bowed in reply before taking his leave. He passed by Cullen, Cassandra and Leliana inclining his head towards them as he did so.

"Well, that's over," the Spymaster murmured. "I suspect Josie will spend the rest of the day drawing up the necessary announcements and what not. Val Royeaux will probably not be too happy their charge isn't returning."

"They'll get over it," Cassandra said with a snort.

Cullen didn't respond. His eyes were all for Shai. She was speaking with the Ambassador but now that the majority of the spectators had left she was doubling over more with every second. He felt his heart freeze and he crossed the distance between them quickly, hands stretching out to settle upon her.

"What's wrong?" He asked, eyes connecting with her own.

She opened her mouth to respond but, instead of words, gave a cough intermixed with a groan and blood frothed upon her lips before dribbling down her chin. She made a choking noise as she grabbed her side while pain raced across her features. Her knees buckled and she started to crumple, saved from the ground only by Cullen's hands.

"We must take her to the healer's quarters," Josephine said worriedly, eyes flicking over their bleeding Inquisitor.

Cullen didn't need to be told twice. He picked Shai up, her cry of hurt raising goosebumps along his flesh. She coughed again and crimson splattered the front of his cuirass.

"Oh," she whispered weakly as she eyed the blood on his person. "Shit."

Then she fainted.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhhhh, might've ripped off Josephine's edict from Tyrion's trial by combat in GOT since that is where I got the idea for this chapter because I legit had no idea what to do with it *whoops* hope its still a decent enough read!


	57. Bedside Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go figure, I had no idea what to do for this chapter so have some fluff while I re-center myself for the rest of this fic

"Three broken ribs, the rest bruised, and you'll have some residual scrapes to deal with as well. Overall, Inquisitor, I'd say you're not too black and blue but close enough." 

Shai smiled sheepishly but gratefully at the healer, a silver haired man she didn't remember ever having met before. That wasn't all that unusual though; new faces still showed up at Skyhold frequently plus she hadn't even worked her way through all the ones that had been residing in the fortress. 

"Drink one of these every four hours if the pain persists." The healer shook a small vial before Shai's eyes then set it on the nightstand beside her bed with its three compatriots. "And if it gets out of hand don't hesitate to send for me. Rather be woken from a sound sleep than you go downhill in the middle of the night."

She doubted she'd spontaneously start bleeding to death or some other equally unappealing misfortune but she nodded her understanding regardless. The healer grunted in confirmation and his robes shuffled as he dipped into a bow. He had a kind if stern face and Shai had appreciated the lack of small talk on his end as he patched her up; sometimes certain healers could get a bit chatty and it was hard to keep up a conversation in the throes of an injury.

The healer departed in the next minute, feet thunking their way down Shai's quarter's stairs to the door that led out onto the landing. There was the sound of shuffling, as if the healer were stepping around someone, and then, "Excuse me, Commander." Shai sunk a little deeper into her bed, knowing she probably looked like a petulant child trying to hide themselves from reprimanding but she didn't care.

Miko, disturbed from his current slumber by her shifting, rose and hopped down to the floor with an indignant chatter. As he curled himself up in front of the fire on decidedly more stable ground, Shai's attention flicked to Cullen appearing at the top of her bedroom stairs. He was in plainclothes and his hair was disturbed from its usual coif, strands sticking out in haphazard direction as if from a hand running through them one too many times. Which, Shai reflected, was probably exactly what had happened. 

Exhaling she pushed herself up, trying not to wince too visibly as the motion put strain on her injured torso.

"Alright, we might as well get the lecture over with." She waved a hand about in a vague gesture.

Cullen cocked an eyebrow but retrieved a chair and drew it beside her bed, resting his forearms on his thighs as he leaned forward, hands clasped. Shai's shoulders drew up defensively at his expectant stare but she continued. 

"It was stupid of me to fight Blackwall myself, I should have had Cassandra or Bull or someone else do it, I should've worn more armor, I should be more careful in the future about snap judgments, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera." 

Cullen didn't move, didn't change his expression and with a sigh she tacked on, "And I shouldn't make you worry unnecessarily about me. I've learned my lesson." 

"Have you?" He finally asked with a raise of his brows. 

"Yes," Shai grumped, turning her face slightly away so he couldn't read the lie plainly stamped on it. "I have."

"I find that hard to believe."

She whipped her gaze back to Cullen and found he was smiling, not angry, but _smiling_ at her. Albeit his eyes were sweeping over the rows of bandages wrapped around her middle but he didn't look put out or about to deliver a lengthy reprimand. He looked relieved.

"You're not mad?" Shai ventured. "I deliberately got myself injured and you're not mad?"

"You didn't _deliberately_ get yourself injured," Cullen corrected, shifting on his chair. "You fought squarely against another opponent and they bested you."

"Well I pulled some of my punches," Shai muttered and was rewarded with an amused snort.

"I daresay you did. I've seen you fight, _really_ seen you fight. I don't believe Captain Rainier, I mean Warden Blackwall--whatever he wants to be called--would still be standing here if you hadn't held back. Its probably a very good thing most of Skyhold hasn't actually seen you in battle otherwise they'd be wondering why you hadn't turned the man to ash."

"I didn't want to _kill_ him," Shai said. "But I couldn't just hand him an absolution."

"Which I applaud you for deciding," Cullen praised. "I'll admit, I was...caught off guard by the trial terms and by you fighting in it. But by the end I'd seen the solution you'd caught sight of from the beginning. It was a bloody good idea. Pardoning Blackwall simply because he'd been a part of the Inquisition would have lost more points rather than won them. In fact, it would have probably invited much speculation on the legitimacy of your authority. So forgive me for questioning your decisions, I did so in error. You are, without a doubt, a fair leader despite the pressures of your...job."

"Did you really come all the way up here to apologize and shower me with compliments?" Shai smirked, crossing her arms in an attempt to look smug then immediately letting them fall to her sides when the gesture pinched her already aching ribs.

"I did," Cullen replied matter of factly, his scar lengthening as his lips pulled into a lopsided smile. "And to make sure you were doing alright." He reached out and took one of her hands in his, giving it a light squeeze. "You had me worried fainting like that."

"That would make twice you've had to carry me, doesn't it?" Shai asked, correctly deducing the Commander had brought her to her chambers after the trial.

"Four times, actually."

"What?"

"When we were in Therinfal--" Cullen began ticking off on his fingers "--after Haven, when you came back from Crestwood, and just now. That's four times." 

"So sorry to be such a burden," Shai jested, schooling her tone into mock severity.

Cullen chuckled and shook his head. "I don't mind carrying you at all."

"Oh? Perhaps I can leave Zephyr at home next time and have you cart me around Thedas."

"Speaking of," Cullen detoured. "I heard Josephine and Leliana discussing a letter that arrived recently. From some person named 'Fairbanks'. I think he's somewhere in the Emerald Graves."

"As long as its not the Plains again." Shai sighed and let her head fall back against her pillow. She'd been hoping for a few days of lazing around after the designated recovery time given by the healer but that didn't seem probable now. 

"They won't make you go until the healer clears you," Cullen said as if reading her thoughts. 

"Do you think you could bribe him to say I need _at least_ a month or so of non-strenuous activities?" 

"Then we'd have to stay well clear of each other's bed chambers lest we be found out," Cullen retorted and Shai grinned. 

"The Commander making sexual jokes?" She feigned indignation and was rewarded with a simmering heat in Cullen's eyes instead of the blush she was expecting.

"For your ears only," his clipped accent intoned lowly, almost seductively, and Shai shivered under the weight of his gaze.

Before her cheeks could flush too noticeably she twisted away from Cullen and snatched a bundle of letters out of a drawer in the nightstand. Leliana had dumped them upon her a few days ago and she hadn't had a chance to go through them but the Spymaster had suggested she do so in the presence of the Commander. And now that Cullen was presently at her bedside, Shai figured it was as good a time as any.

"What're those?" Cullen asked as Shai dropped the bundle into her lap and then started to untie the string that bound them all together.  

"Not sure. Leliana gave them to me and said they would be interesting to both of us."

"Did she now?" Cullen suddenly sounded guarded and his eyes were fixed to the first letter Shai retrieved.

Without further preamble she popped the waxen seal on the document and started scanning the writing none too intently. When she reached the middle of the letter her fingers clenched upon the parchment in reflexive response and her mouth popped open. Heat flooded her face as her eyes bugged slightly and she dropped the letter as if it were hot to the touch.

"What's wrong?" Cullen was reaching for the document and Shai hurriedly flipped it face down out of his reach.

"Nothing."

"That didn't look like nothing."

"Some mundane complaints," Shai lied again.

 _Damn those Orlesians and their dirty minds...how many of these things did Leliana read?!_ The thought made Shai groan as she desperately hoped the answer was "none" but knew it most definitely wasn't. Their Spymaster wouldn't be doing her job very well if she didn't filter the mail that was brought to her as being questionable or of a significant interest. 

"Cullen no!" 

Shai was too slow to block the Commander's questing fingers and he snatched the letter from her before she could intercept him. He frowned at her as he settled back into his chair then dropped his gaze to the document. Shai's shoulders drew further up towards her ears the longer he read and she squirmed uncomfortably. She could see the exact moment he reached where she'd left off for his reaction was comically similar to her own.

"Maker's breath..."

"I know."

"How...ahem...how many of those are there?"

"A few?"

"That's more than a few." (The remaining stack of letters had at least fifty in it.)

"Leliana probably has more."

Cullen swore and ran a hand through his hair. He had a delightful blush staining his cheeks and he dragged the hand in his hair down his face before it dropped to his lap.

"Do they have to be so...so--"

"Descriptive?"

"Andraste, yes! For the love of the Maker, how could it even be that _big_? Forgive whatever parts of the world I haven't had the fortune to see yet but I know one's... _appendages_...cannot be that large!"

Shai snickered then giggled then full on laughed at the aghast way Cullen was taking the news of some Orlesian noblewomen speculating just how much the Commander of the Inquisition was packing into his breeches. Shai had to agree that upwards of 12 inches was rather severe and would be more painful than pleasurable. She caught her side and groaned in discomfort as her laughter jarred her ribs. _Damnit_ , she thought as her breath hitched in pain, _damnit, damnit, damnit_. She waved away Cullen's voiced concerns before he could rise and fuss over her as he seemed about to do.

"At least we know the plan is working," Shai said, trying to find the silver lining.

Leliana and Josephine had laid it all out for her how they were going to market she and Cullen as a wartime tale of passion to counter Cordelia's damning statement at her trial. Leave it to the vindictive matriarch of House Trevelyan to promptly send letters to all her acquaintances and friends in Orlais and out her daughter as publicly as possible. At least the plan was going off without a bump so far; if the rest of the letters were anything like the first than Shai and Cullen could safely assume they were out of the danger zone.

"Maybe working a little too well," Cullen grumbled but he didn't sound superbly put out. "I guess it could have been worse."

"Far worse," Shai agreed readily. "And now we can put the whole 'relationship' thing behind us."

"Yes," Cullen replied slowly, eyes lowering away from Shai's face. "Behind us."

Shai's frowned as she examined Cullen. He'd gone from looking horrified, to grudgingly somewhat amused, to introspective, the last only occurring when she'd mentioned being able to forget about selling a lie. But wait...she'd said they could forget about the 'relationship' thing...was that what he looked so hung up on? But they weren't in a relationship! _At least not yet_ , she tacked on silently, _because its a grey area_... _and confusing...and undefined_. And then, suddenly, she was understanding Cullen's current expression.

"Oh," Shai uttered softly because she didn't know what else to say to pull his attention back to her.

The one word worked, for Cullen's eyes came up from staring at the floor. His face was somewhat sorry like he regretted the way he'd placed them in a moment where they now had to discuss feelings and titles and everything that had been between them. He opened his mouth, probably to suggest forgetting everything he'd just said, but Shai beat him to it.

"Not put us behind, I mean," Shai amended haltingly. "Because there...um...I think we're past the point of...of..."

"Lovers?" Cullen supplied helpfully, almost in relief.

"Right, lovers." Then Shai fell silent and implored the Commander with her gaze to pick up where she'd left off. She was no good whatsoever with this kind of talk and then she remembered who she was engaging in such a talk with and decided maybe through half uttered sentences and stuttering they could both get a mutual point across. Maybe.

"So?"

"So...I know we started this in the Approach...or I started it with the river thing and, yeah." Shai waved her hand in a lazy circle. "But we should probably finish that now that we're dealing with this."

"We should."

"So you start."

"Me?" Cullen looked incredulous and slightly betrayed, a combination that would have been comical if not for the touchiness of the situation. "I thought it was always ladies first?"

"We aren't traditional," Shai quipped. "Gentlemen first." 

Cullen made a noise in his throat that sounded part growl part grunt then leaned back in the chair, the wood creaking beneath his weight. He readjusted himself, coming forward again to put his forearms back on his thighs. Then he straightened and crossed his arms over his chest. Finding that position apparently unsatisfactory he went back to the one before it. 

"Comfortable?" Shai questioned. 

"Quite," Cullen responded. He folded his hands, unfolded them, refolded them, rubbed the palms on his breeches, then intertwined his fingers once more. 

"Now?" She asked. 

"Now," Cullen agreed and there was no more fidgeting on his part. 

Instead he held her eyes with his own and she saw his jaw steel and his shoulders square. She could almost envision the confession bubbling up in the back of his throat, threatening to cut off his air supply with the way it could either tip things favorably--or drastically--once uttered. Cullen swallowed, opened his mouth, closed it and coughed, then opened it again and began to speak. 

"I think it is...evident that I care for you. And I'm...well, I would like to be something more with you that is, if you want it."

"I agree," Shai followed quickly. One of her continuous faults was always wishing someone would voice her thoughts for her so she would be spared the awkward babbling that served as her confessionals. "I care for you too and I'd like to be more."

"Then we are--"

"Together."

"Right."

"Good."

"Yes."

"Good."

"You said that," Cullen replied with a smile, face lit from within. "Are we to commemorate this somehow?"

"You may kiss me, Commander, if that's what you're asking."

And he did.  


	58. I Knew You at Your Worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll 498 kudos as I post this update, seriously you all make me so happy for your continued reading and support *gives out many hugs*

"Sooooooo, just out of morbid curiosity, was it ever going to be brought to my attention that the candidacy for the next Divine kinda sorta really involves two of the Inquisition's key members?" Shai drummed her fingers against the war table, a staccato rhythm arising from the action.

Across from her Leliana's mouth pursed into a quiet "O" and Josephine looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Inquisitor. I had meant to send you a missive about it but, well, I thought I'd closed the matter with the revered mother and evidently I did not." The Ambassador's voice took on an irritated tone as she scribbled a note onto her writing pad. 

"She begged me to reconsider just now before I got in here." 

Shai had been minding her own business on her way to the war room when the mother blocked her path and subjected her to a very impassioned plea. Of course Shai had been unable to do anything other than promise she'd speak to everyone about it because the fact that Leliana and Cassandra were both options to become the next Divine was a not so small piece of information that had yet to be relayed to her.

"I figured as much," Josephine sighed.

"She hasn't approached me yet although I spotted Mother Giselle with Cassandra the other day," Leliana offered. 

"We're in the middle of a war!" Shai burst out. "They can't take our Spymaster and they certainly can't have one of our best damned warriors either. And if Corypheus isn't defeated there won't even _be_ a Chantry for someone to be Divine of!"

"I did point all that out to the revered mother when she visited me in my office," Josephine said, setting her tablet down on the war table and folding her hands. "Eventually I had to dismiss her as politely as I could because she simply refused to leave until I reconsidered."

"Maybe we should just move them into the tents in the valley to prevent anymore interference," Shai grumbled.

It wasn't like she held a personal vendetta against the revered mother or Mother Giselle, but she wasn't very fond of a religious institution that thought she and her fellow Mages were best locked up and heavily supervised. So, aiding said institution was not exactly at the top of her list currently. What was, was the letter they'd received from the Emerald Graves.

"This Fairbanks," Shai said, steering them towards current matters. "He's offering his assistance again why?"

"There is a group of deserters known as the Freeman of the Dales. I believe you encountered some of them in the Exalted Plains though they weren't as prolific there as they apparently are in the Graves. This Fairbanks would like our help in eliminating them in exchange for information he classifies as valuable to our cause."

"So how do we know he's actually offering something we can use and not just luring us there to do his dirty work?"

The question was so akin to something Cullen would have asked that Shai's eyes flitted to him for his affirmation. Only the Commander's place was absent and she felt surprised she was just now noticing he wasn't with them.

"Where's Cullen? I mean the Commander?"

"Cullen will do. No need to feign professionalism in front of us," Leliana chuckled. "And he sent word that he was conferring with the Seeker on an important matter and would join us if and when he was able to."

"Hmm." Shai nodded in acceptance.

The meeting commenced and by the end of it it was decided that Shai would leave within the next couple days for the Graves. Once Josephine and Leliana had laid out the place's history for her, however, she felt less like she was going to just another region of Thedas and more like she was headed towards a mass grave. The feeling made her arms break out in goosebumps and despite the warm air that washed over her once she stepped into Skyhold's courtyard, she still felt a tad chilled.

"Hey boss!"

Shai looked in the direction of the tavern. Bull stood with one arm raised to hail her while the hand of the other held a rather large looking club. 

"C'mere, there's something I need some help with!" 

"And that would be...?" Shai couldn't help asking as she drew closer. 

"Well, I know this may come as a shock, but I really like hitting things," the Qunari explained. 

"You don't say?" Shai managed to keep a pleasantly curious look upon her face. 

"Yeah. But, you know, to hit you have to take some hits."

"Of course. Battle 101." 

"Right. So that's what I need your help with." 

Shai eyed the club uncertainly. "You want me to...hit you with that?" 

"Yes." 

"Bull." Shai squinted up at the warrior's good eye. "How many drinks have you had today?" 

"Stone cold sober," Iron Bull announced although he didn't sound one hundred percent proud of that fact. "Are you going to help me out or not?" 

"I guess so." 

"Good."

Bull handed over the club and Shai's arm dropped towards the ground as soon as the Qunari relinquished the weapon to her. _Bloody hell_ , she thought as the head of the club thunked against the ground, _thing weighs a fucking ton_. 

"Think you can manage alright?" 

"I'm not the Inquisitor for nothing," she grunted as she wrapped two hands around the club and hefted it up. 

"Knew I could count on you boss. C'mon, over here." 

Bull led the way to the practicing dummies Cassandra normally spent so much time hacking to bits. He turned and positioned himself a few feet in front of them, feet spread shoulder length apart, knees slightly bent, arms out to the sides in a ready pose. 

"Ok. Give it your best shot." 

"Are you...sure about this?" 

"I am. Now, hit me." 

Shai blinked but dug her feet into the ground nonetheless. She brought the club up, poising it above her right shoulder but couldn't let it fall without checking her companion's sanity one last time. 

"I'm not sure--" 

"See, this is why the Qun doesn't like women fighting," the Qunari growled, fingers flexing. "I should've asked--"

Bull never got to finish his sentence for the club whipped low then high, dealing him a hefty blow across the torso and sending him toppling into the dirt. A sizable cloud of dust arose and he simultaneously coughed and groaned. Shai settled the head of the club against the ground and leaned on the haft, crossing one foot lazily over the other. 

"You were saying?" 

"Good one," came the strangled reply. 

"Oh come on, you're not down for the count already just because of a _woman,_ " Shai couldn't help teasing, a smug grin overtaking her features. 

Bull rolled onto his stomach then pushed himself to his hands and knees before finally regaining his feet. "You know, you should think about getting a more durable staff. That way when enemies close with you, you can give them a nice greeting from the Inquisition." 

"Is that what I just gave you?" 

"Not quite. Its technically a Qunari training exercise, a way to master your fears. I've been doing it since Adamant."

"Why?" This time Shai was genuinely interested. 

"All those fucking demons. Bagh." Bull shook his head. "I need to get over all that crap?"

"And hitting you is the way to do that?" 

"Yes." 

"Well alright." 

Shai landed another subsequent ten hits across the Qunari's torso, each met with the command, "again". Sweat was pouring into her eyes by the time the tenth stroke was completed and her shoulders felt like they were on fire.

"Just give me a minute," she said as she let the club fall to the ground and settled herself next to it.

"Its alright boss, I think I'm good for now."

"You sure?" Shai looked up at Bull, squinting against the sunlight assaulting her eyes. "I'll be ready to go again soon."

"Nah, I'm sure you've got Inquisitor stuff to do and all that. I'll find Krem, see if he can help. Oh wait, no, there's the Seeker. She looks like she could let off some steam. Hey Seeker!"

Shai's head swiveled to see Cassandra in the doorway of the armory. As the female warrior stepped into the courtyard, the Commander appeared behind her, eyes downcast, shoulders slightly hunched. Shai was quite nearsighted but it didn't take having perfect vision to see that something was decidedly not altogether right. Cassandra turned and had some words with Cullen, the latter shaking his head before brushing past her. He didn't even seem to see Shai, close as she was, and he disappeared around the side of the tavern even as she climbed rapidly to her feet.

"Something wrong?" She asked as the Seeker neared her and Bull.

"This is not the place," Cassandra said lowly, eyes holding Shai's gaze. "I would speak to you in private?"

"Yeah, um sure. Bull I--"

"Don't worry about it, boss. Guess I will go find Krem. Thanks again for the help." The Qunari lumbered off after retrieving the club from the ground.

"Do I want to know?" Cassandra asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Training exercise," Shai summarized. "What's going on?"

"You are aware that Cullen is no longer taking lyrium?" The Seeker got right to the point, no beating around the bush.

"I am, yes." Shai's worry emerged, her mind running through all the possible side effects that could be happening. She'd seen him at a very low point back in the Exalted Plains and even now pictured him bent over his office desk, holding back being sick, body wracked with sweats and chills.

"Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him."

There went the ground and Shai's stomach with it. "WHAT?!"

"Shh, Inquisitor, please. This is a sensitive topic." Cassandra looked around their small area of the courtyard and, satisfied Shai's outburst hadn't been heard, continued. "I declined, naturally. Its not necessary."

"You're damn right it isn't," Shai couldn't help growling. The Seeker's eyebrows rose but she refrained from commenting.

"I don't know how much you and the Commander have discussed his...decision, but I'm sure you know an act such as him stepping down from his position would destroy him, he's come so far."

"Why didn't he come to me?" Shai blurted out her thoughts.

"He...would not want to risk your disappointment--" Shai opened her mouth to say that would never be the case but Cassandra held up her hands for patience "--Mages have made their suffering known, but Templars never have. They are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. We had this agreement long before you joined us, developed when Cullen told me that he was no longer taking lyrium. As a Seeker, I could evaluate him. Yet he doesn't believe me when I say that he does not need a replacement."

"And I'm stubborn," Shai muttered, garnering a snort from Cassandra.

"I think, between the two of us, you are the only one who could get through to him right now."

"Cassandra," Shai began, foregoing the other woman's title for what felt like the first time. "What if he doesn't listen? You know what he's trying to do...what he's trying to prove...what if he doesn't listen and...he leaves?" 

"That won't happen," the Seeker assured.

"You're not a mystic."

"I am not. But I do know that to leave the Inquisition he would have to go through me. And I can promise that is not a fight he would be willing to engage in."

Shai had to crack a smile at the insinuation that Cullen would be fearful of engaging Cassandra in battle. Then again, the woman had legitimately punched a bear in the Hinterlands when the beast had knocked her sword from her hand and she'd been flush out of defenses.

"Alright. I'll go talk to him."

"Good." Cassandra nodded. 

+++++++

Shai eyed the broken glass and shattered wood that spread out before the tips of her boots on Cullen's office floor; he was still apologizing for nearly taking her head off with the thrown lyrium kit. 

"I didn't see you there, I swear--I wouldn't have--I didn't hear you enter I--forgive me." 

"You want a replacement." Shai didn't pose it as a question. 

A sigh of resignation. "I believe I should have one, yes."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I cannot give less to the Inquisition than I gave to the Chantry!" Cullen gestured, voice rising. 

Shai came fully into the office and closed the door behind her; Maker help any recruit who disturbed them. 

"You've said that," she commented lowly, taking slow steps towards Cullen as if approaching a wild animal that might bolt at any moment. "And I believe you."

"Then believe me when I say I'm not fit for command."

"Not without reasons."

"Look at me!" Cullen's voice was strangled and his eyes were wild, hair unkempt from fingers running through it, pulling, tugging in agitation. "Look at me and tell me you see a healthy man able to lead, able to see this Inquisition through. Don't lie to me," he interrupted when Shai went to speak. "Don't lie to me and say you do just because you think that's what I want to hear. Look at me and tell me the honest truth." 

Shai stared at the Commander, really stared, taking in the deep circles beneath his eyes, the sallowness of his skin, the perspiration on his brow. She watched as he clutched the edge of his desk so tightly he looked like he was going to leave his fingerprints in the wood. She watched him as he met her gaze head on, eyes sharp but filled with turbulent emotion.

"You look as if you need some time away," she said finally and Cullen's jaw dropped at her assessment.

"Some time away?" His words were carried on a harsh bark of incredulous laughter. "Some time away? Maker's breath! I'm an addict leading a massive army, probably the singularly most important army in history, and you think I need some time away?"

"Yes," Shai affirmed, hackles raising a bit at Cullen's reception of her idea.

He blinked at her owlishly as if she were an apparition bound to disappear at any time. He was shaking his head back and forth slowly, eyes never leaving her face.

"Are you to arrange a vacation for me, then? Cover my tracks, tell lies that I've gone on some important Inquisition business so that no one will suspect the Commander is a fraud?"

"You're not a fraud," Shai very nearly hissed. "And you're not an addict either. You're a man, Cullen. A strong man, a good man, and you're not doing yourself any credit asking Cassandra for a replacement when we don't need one."

"Pure opinion," Cullen challenged but his face softened a tad.

"And, in any case, I forbid a replacement and I forbid you to step down."

"An abuse of power."

"Pure opinion," Shai echoed. "If Cassandra doesn't think you need to be removed then I don't think you need to be removed either."

"How can you say that? After everything you know, how can you say that?" His expression was of someone who'd just been thwacked between the eyes.

"Because."

"Because," Cullen repeated, not sounding at all convinced. "Because you don't want to explain to the whole of the Inquisition how my situation has gone on under all their noses this entire time or because you would rather not have to spend effort trying to find someone else to take my post? I assure you, Lieutenant Rylen would be an adequate choice." 

"Quit selling yourself short!" Shai's voice echoed in the room and she took a step forward, finger coming up to point accusingly. "That's not happening because you're not going anywhere."

Cullen closed his eyes, lips thinning as he seemed to draw his composure back to himself. "You would stop me?"

"Cassandra and I both," Shai promised though the Seeker was more along the lines of a threat. Fuck it, actually, so was she.

"Does it not matter what I want?"

"Of course it matters." Shai came closer. "It matters entirely what you want. Do you sincerely want to step down, Cullen? Is what you're asking me for truly an approval of resignation?"

She waited with baited breath, more than half of her afraid he was going to say yes and then that would be that. He opened his mouth to give his response and Shai, on a knee jerk reaction, held up her hands.

"Wait!" She yelled, voice rising from nerves before schooling her volume down. "Wait...don't answer that yet. I was serious, Cullen, I think you need some time away. A day or so. To think if nothing else when you don't have the sigil of the Inquisition staring you down at every waking hour. A day or so to think of what _you_ want, not what the Inquisition demands of you. Ok?"

Cullen laughed but it was hollow and choked. "And where should I go? Out into the mountains? Hole up in some self made shack?" 

"I was thinking the countryside," Shai said drily. "But if you want to be a mountain man, far be it from me to stop you. Just don't freeze to death out there." 

"Freezing to death isn't an end I am afraid of," Cullen mumbled, his face turning away from her. 

"Cullen..."

"I'll go," he said, interrupting her. "On one condition."

"And that would be?" 

"Come with me," he said. "There's a place I want to show you." 

 


	59. A Trip to the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have 2 chapters as an update everyone as a thanks for the 500 and counting kudos <3

It was surprisingly easy to steal away for a few days. Cullen had been expecting a big to do about his and Shai's leaving but he barely got more than a "try not to be too long on the road" before they were riding through Skyhold's gates and leaving the fortress behind. He'd sat straight in his saddle, eyes forward, ignoring the interested glances he and the Inquisitor garnered riding out without any other guard or accompaniment. For once he found it hard to care enough to be embarrassed about the speculation on their private life. 

This wasn't a vacation and it wasn't a joy trip; it was for him to seriously consider whether Commander of the Inquisition was a title he could continue to hold. The thoughts weighed him down even as their horses carried them through the snow and eastward before they would turn south and continue on to their destination. Cullen himself hadn't known where he planned to take Shai when he requested she accompany him; he'd only been thinking of leaving the mountains behind in favor of the countryside. And then, per what usually happened when he thought of the country, he came up with a specific place.

When they made camp the first night on the road, he tried to say he would take the first shift. Shai only snorted at his decision and set about placing fire ruins around the perimeter of their campsite. "Mage, remember?" She'd reminded when he would have argued with her. Then, when he'd tried to set up two tents, she'd taken the second bundle of burlap and poles from his arms, depositing it back beside their hobbled horses. He'd opened his mouth to again brook argument with her that they would have an early start in the morning and needed their sleep and different tents would probably be the best way to achieve such a goal. 

She'd argued back that all she wanted to do with him was sleep, genuinely sleep, and that she would swear on whatever he wanted her to that she wouldn't try anything. He'd briefly asked the Maker--not for the first time--the necessity of sending them such a stubborn, hard headed Inquisitor but had abandoned his questions when Shai drew him into their single tent. She'd proven true to her word that all she wanted to do was lay next to him; her clothes stayed on and so did his. He ended up behind her, knees curled against the back of her own, one arm around her waist snugging her body to his. When he slept the nightmares didn't come and when he woke with her in his arms, he felt reassured.

Their second day of riding brought them to the side of a river as night fell and Shai had loudly sighed in appreciation that she could wash the sweat and grime from her skin. She'd splashed into the water then come sprinting back out with a shriek. He'd never unsheathed his sword so quickly in his life, convinced they were under attack. But lo and behold his Inquisitor was just cold and his fur mantle around her naked shoulders had been enough to solve that problem. Her hands in the river, conjuring steady streams of fire, had been enough to solve the issue of taking a bath in frigid water and he'd joined her readily.

She'd been respective in her touches of him, nothing below the belt, nothing suggestive, but their close proximity--not to mention lack of clothes--had bested both of them and he'd laid her on the riverbank, tracing a hand down her spine and feeling her arch into him. When he'd settled between her thighs and entered her, she'd wrapped her limbs around him and moaned his name into his ear as he set a slow, exquisite pace. By the time he came, his face buried in her neck, his body wracked with tremors, they'd been too satiated to set up a tent and had consequently slept out in the open on their bedrolls.

As evening fell on the third day Cullen turned off the road they were on and into the surrounding woods with Shai in tow. They rode for a few minutes until he reigned Rook up once the foliage became too dense for horses to move through. Swinging down, he turned to the Inquisitor still atop Zephyr. 

"We'll have to walk from here," Cullen said, holding out a hand. Shai swung down and intwined her fingers with his. Even through his gloves he could feel the warmth of her hand and he drew her to him, brushing his lips across her own. She had been right; time away was something he had turned his nose up at but was doing wonders already. He felt more in control of his mental facilities, more able to debate the decision he was about to make.

"Come." Cullen pulled Shai along behind him, sweeping branches out of the way for her, steadying her whenever her boot caught a stray tree root and threatened to send her sprawling. He may have been gone from here for what felt like a lifetime but he'd be damned if his feet didn't remember every nook and cranny of this place, easily avoiding impediments that would be cumbersome.

At last ahead the foliage parted and the smell of water hit him even before he and Shai stepped into the clearing beyond. He heard her draw in a breath and her grip on his hand tightened. To most this place wouldn't look like anything more than a decrepit swamp. The grass grew thick here and the tree branches hung low, their ends trailing against the ground. A half submerged dock protruded into the lake, mist rolling over both. Lily pads bobbed in the water and the cattails waved in the slight breeze.

"Where are we?" Shai asked, following him towards the dock. He felt more than saw her turning her head, taking in the boulders that rose up from the ground enclosing them in a sort of oasis, noticing how, even though there had been sun out on the road, it seemed to disappear here and leave everything shrouded in twilight.

"I grew up not far from here," Cullen said as they reached the dock and he led her as far to the end as they could go without submerging themselves in the lake.

"We're near your home?" Her voice was soft with wonder and she turned to face him, her hand slipping from his.

"We are. Or what was my home. My family was forced to flee from Honnleath during the Fifth Blight."

The shirt Shai wore beneath her leather jerkin slid to the side as she shifted in place and he caught sight of his coin, still around her neck on its leather thong. Without thinking he reached for it. She flinched at the sudden movement but stilled when his questing fingers ghosted across her skin. He felt her shiver.

"You still wear it," he mumbled almost to himself, voice soft.

"You gave it to me," she reminded, brows drawing together in a small frown. "Why wouldn't I?"

"The way I did...it...it was wrong of me to give it that way."

"Hey." Her fingers closed over his and he met her eyes. "You're forgiven."

"Still." Cullen shook his head. He'd given her his lucky coin because he wanted her to be safe during the Winter Palace and not just there but everyday beyond. He hadn't been able to articulate then why he was giving her some dented coin to wear, but he steeled himself to do so now. "I should've told you what it was instead of throwing it at you and expecting you to understand. When I left to join the Templars, my brother gave me it from his pocket. Said it was for luck. I figured, with all the violence and death you have a nasty habit of drawing to yourself, you should have it just in case." 

"Cullen." Her fingers against his cheek were soft and he leaned into the touch, turning his head so he could press a kiss into her palm. Her hand crept around to the back of his head and she pulled them closer, noses brushing against each other before her lips found his. "Thank you," she murmured when they parted. "You didn't have to do that." 

"I wanted you to be safe," he said simply. "I _want_ you to be safe," he corrected when she fingered the coin, touching it almost reverently. 

"You've had this all these years?" 

"I wasn't supposed to. Templars aren't supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through." 

"You broke the rules?" Shai's face was aghast but her twitching lips were betraying her otherwise severe expression. 

"Until a year ago I was _very_ good at following rules," Cullen defended with a little smugness to his tone. "Well...most of the time. That coin was the only thing I took with me from Ferelden when I left. The only thing the Templars didn't give me." 

"You're positive you want me to keep it then? Its...its like an heirloom for you, kind of?" Shai's gaze searched his face, looking for some sort of twitch that would indicate he wanted his coin back. 

"More positive than I've ever been in my entire life. We can't know what you'll face before all this is through."

"We have somewhat of a good idea," Shai said drily and he chuckled. 

"All the better to keep this on you then." 

"Hmm." She hummed and looked around them again. "So, was this like a special spot for you?"

"I came here to think, it was mostly quiet. Maker knows quiet was something hard to come by growing up." He rubbed at the back of his neck, wondering if he should suggest introducing her to the reason there was never any quiet in his household or turn them back towards Skyhold. His stomach was filled with butterflies at the thought of facing those he had let communication lapse with so drastically in the intervening years since he'd become a member of the Order. Maker, what if they wouldn't forgive him? And worse, he was bringing another part of his life with him they had no idea about because he hadn't done so much as mention Shai in any of the awkward letters he'd sent home.

Not to mention he'd be surprising Shai with something she would either take in stride or be very, very displeased about for being caught off guard with. He looked at her as she surveyed the lake then crouched to trail her fingers through the water. He hadn't ever expected them to be like this. He would have laughed outright if anyone had ever suggested to him he and the fiery woman with the mark on her hand would overcome impossible odds and actually be together.

He liked to think that even if that long ago night on the forest floor on the way to Redcliffe hadn't happened, he and Shai would've eventually come to a ceasefire. He hoped they would've; warmth always unfurled inside his chest when she entered his office or even caught his eyes over the war table during meetings. He couldn't rightfully imagine what it would be like if they were still staring each other down with thinly veiled hostility.

"I like it here," the object of his thoughts said as she straightened, wiping her hand on her breeches. "I might have to occasionally disappear to here if this thing with Corypheus goes on for too much longer. Everywhere around Skyhold is too damn cold to enjoy...I suppose we have to go back now? Unless...you haven't had time to think about...everything."

She faced away from him but Cullen could tell from the angle of her jaw she was worrying her bottom lip and her shoulders were tensing more and more with each passing second.

"I have one more thing to show you," he said quietly, reaching for her arm and pivoting her to face him. "Then I'll think about it." _It being whether I decide to leave everything behind_ , he thought numbly. _Leave her behind_.

"Alright," Shai nearly whispered, slipping her arm from his grasp to hug herself although there was no sudden chill in the air. "Lead the way."

+++++++

By the time they were on the edge of the settlement limits, Cullen thought he was going to lean over Rook's side and be sick. His stomach was churning with acid and he'd swallowed back bile on more than one occasion. Shai hadn't asked any questions as he'd led them towards South Reach. Thinking of her reaction only sent him further into the depths of doubt and consternation and anxiety made his chest constrict, shallowing his breathing.

 _Get it together, get it together_ , he chided himself. Inside his gloves his hands were cold and his fingers were curled unrelentingly around his reins. Rook was tossing her head at the sudden change in her handling and he had to forcibly remind himself to give her some lead and quit squeezing her sides with his legs; poor beast was confused as to whether she should stop or go.

Children playing in the dirt road stopped to stare as he and Shai passed. Villagers glanced up in curiosity and he thought he saw one or two sparks of recognition in faces but he urged Rook on faster before anyone could hail him. If they got stopped now he'd lose all nerve and have to play off that he'd simply taken them in the wrong direction and they could turn around now and go home.

His eyes searched the horizon for the little--but sturdy--farmhouse that sat separated from all the other abodes. When his gaze finally settled on it, he felt the air leave his lungs as if suffering a punch to the gut. It hardly looked any different. Its modest field of crops was still there as was the lean to that housed a few animals.  

He about jerked Rook to an abrupt halt when the door to the farmhouse opened and a woman stepped out, basket balanced against her hip. Her brown hair hung down her back in a plait that swished from side to side as she went to the clothesline and began to pull garments from her basket.

He was frozen in the saddle, mouth dry, ears ringing, brain disconnected from reality. Dimly he heard Shai asking if he was alright and a touch against his arm signaled she'd pulled alongside him. He nodded, stiffly, and kept going. Twenty yards...now fifteen...now ten...He didn't know if this was the right decision. How could he pop back into their lives after all this time of hiding, of carrying on a life they knew pitifully little about despite their shared blood? 

Why had he decided to come here and bring Shai? Shouldn't he have come alone first? Reconciled before introducing everyone to the woman they had no idea mattered to him beyond her title of Inquisitor? What if they turned him away? Maker, that would be embarrassing and a long explanation on the ride back to Skyhold. Damnit, he was taking time off to think about his future, not muddy the waters with unannounced visits and ghosts from his past. Yet he'd allowed himself to be drawn here as if the lake's proximity to his house wasn't good enough, as if he needed more. 

He realized he'd stopped when Shai started to call his name. He fancied his neck creaked as it turned so he could look at her. They were at the foot of the slight hill.

"Are you alright?"

He nodded.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded again, licked his lips.  

"Is this your--"

"CULLEN. STANTON. RUTHERFORD. Maker help me if that is you!"  


	60. The Rutherfords

Cullen didn't know who wanted to kill him more in that moment: Mia, who's eyes spat fire, or Shai, who's eyes promised the conjuring of the element. He made a mental note to never spring big things on the women in his life again, and by big things he meant familial reconciliations and first time meetings. His stomach churned and churned and churned. 

"You're her then?" Mia's attention shifted from him--thankfully--to Shai. "You're the Inquisitor?"

"Yes...you're um Mia?" 

Mia snorted. "At least he had the decency to make sure someone knew he wasn't an only child."

"Mia," Cullen tried helplessly. He deserved this, he knew he did. He'd avoided sending letters home to his family for quite some time and there's no doubt in his mind anymore that they've been worried sick and that the passing of time had definitely not dimmed their desire to actually hear properly from him. He'd dug himself quite a big hole.

"Cullen," his sister retorted, one eyebrow raising in challenge.

He was still atop Rook and Mia shaded her eyes from the sun as she glared up at him. He didn't need to look at Shai beside him to know she was boring holes through him with her eyes. _Oh lovely job, Rutherford. Yes we'll just stop by and say hello to the family we haven't seen in years, assure them we aren't dead, and introduce them to the Inquisitor who happens to be your lover/girlfriend/whatever. There's **no way** this can go wrong_. He winced. 

"Are um are Branson and Rosalie here?" 

"Where else would they be?" 

"Mia..."

"You've got a lot of nerve thinking you'd just show up and everything would be fine."

"That's not why I'm here!" 

"Sure."

"It's not! I was in the area--"

"Skyhold is hardly nearby," Shai mumbled and although he was sure she was just thinking out loud, it didn't stop the look of betrayal he shot her way. She widened her eyes at him and mouthed "what" at his obvious displeasure. 

Rook shifted beneath him, restless. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can we...start over?" 

"Sure," Mia said cheerfully and instantly his guard shot up. "Would you like to start over around the time you left for the Templars? Or how about when we got news of Kirkwall and feared you dead? Or maybe you want to start when you became Commander of the Inquisition? What about Haven? That was a fun bit of news to learn about--"

"Mia!" His voice rang out loudly as he cut her off. She could chew him out later; he'd gladly welcome her anger if it would get them back on good terms. But being dressed down in front of the Maker and anyone else who cared to watch wasn't something he cared for. "Can we _please_ come inside?"

"Aye," Mia said after a few beats. "If you must. My lady Inquisitor, you must be tired from the road." 

"It was a few days ride," Shai said hesitantly.

"I'm sure some food would do you nicely. We've got some fresh baked bread and once my brother gets back from hunting we'll have some meat to go along with it. If you're fancying to clean up a bit, I can draw you a bath."

"You're too kind," Shai said but Cullen could hear the want edging her tone. "A basin of water and some soap would be enough."

"We'll get you settled." His sister smiled in what was probably intended to be an ingratiating way, but the skin around her eyes was tight with strain and he sighed at the predicament he'd clumsily drawn Shai into. _Maker, if she still wants anything to do with me when this is all over..._

"Oh don't worry about your horse. I'm sure Cullen won't mind tending to them." Mia fixed him with a speculative glance. "Unless, of course, you've forgotten where the paddock is? I can't say I remember for certain how good your memory is."

Cullen ground his teeth as he swung down from Rook. Shai handed him her own reins somewhat apologetically before Mia twined her arm through Shai's and started them off toward the house. "We've been hearing some of the most marvelous tales about you. You'll have to tell us fact from fiction."

"Oh well yes I suppose I can help with that..."

Their voices trailed off as they entered the house and Cullen's shoulders sagged. This was going to be a very long visit. He could only hope he'd survive it. 

++++

"Then what happened?"

"Rosalie, give the woman some space," Mia chided fondly. Cullen's youngest sister sat back and shot Shai an apologetic look. 

"I'm sorry, Inquisitor. It's just, all the news is so exciting to listen to and then here you are and its all about you!" 

"You're alright and its Shai, please, you don't have to call me 'Inquisitor'."

"Shai then," Rosalie said with a genuine smile, the freckles across her nose stretching as her cheeks bunched up. Her chestnut colored hair might've matched her sister's but Rosalie's eyes were startlingly like Cullen's, albeit with more brown in them than gold, and Shai found staring into them brought out the strangest feeling in her chest. It was that of familiarity mixed with unknown. 

"This is um this is a nice house you have here." Shai gestured aimlessly, clearing her throat. Mentally she cursed Cullen for letting his sister drag her off but she could tell he was about as shell shocked as she was by this whole thing. Maker, what in Thedas had possessed him to bring them both here? No warning, no heads up? Just a steady ride into South Reach and a surprise introduction before he was abandoning her to his family. Not that it had been voluntary. She wondered what was taking him so long with the horses. 

"Its falling down around our ears," Mia said bluntly, setting a mug of cold milk before Shai. "But thank you anyways." 

Shai grinned awkwardly and took a sip of her drink. She was going to kill Cullen. She'd rather be facing down an angry horde of demons than dealing with this "meet the in-laws" party he'd drug her to. 

"Kathleen down the road says she heard that you got sent through time by some guy in Redcliffe? Was that--"

The door to the house banged open and they all jumped. Shai was on her feet instantaneously, a relieved grin splitting her features. She was just about to cross the small room to Cullen's side and attach herself to him like a barnacle when she realized the man in the doorway wasn't the Commander.

"Andraste's knickers, Branson! If you don't want to be fixing that thing anytime soon don't be slamming it off its hinges!" Mia frowned at her other brother.

"You know, I seem to recall you being handy with a hammer and nails," Branson replied as he came into the house. "Not like I'm the only one who knows what they're doing around here."

He stopped mid stride realizing he and his sisters weren't alone. His eyes coursed over Shai, growing more interested the longer they lingered.

"My apologies, I didn't realize we had a guest," he said, a roguish smile taking over his mouth.

Mia rolled her eyes and Rosalie snickered as Branson came closer and gave a half bow before Shai. "I'm Branson. Its nice to meet you."

"Shai," she introduced herself as Cullen's brother took her hand in his and brushed his lips over the back of it.

"You'll never guess who she is, Bran," Rosalie teased, smirking.

"Oh?" Branson frowned, eyes searching Shai's face for some chord of familiarity.

"She's the--"

"Mia you do realize the eastern side of the paddock is falling down?" Cullen's voice had them all turning back towards the doorway.

Branson froze and all the air seemed to zip out of the room.

"The bloody hell are you doing here?" The second Rutherford son asked incredulously. Even from her distance Shai could see the Commander swallow uneasily.

"Branson I--"

Cullen's words were cut off in a whoosh of breath as Branson nearly leaped across the room and caught his older brother up in a giant bear hug. Shai's eyes bulged when the Commander's feet left the ground, if only by a few inches.

"You aren't dead after all! It's good to see you!"

"I--yes, Branson, it's good to see you too."

"Mia! You didn't tell me he was coming." Branson set Cullen back down but slung an arm around his neck, bringing his head close to his own.  

"Oh how thoughtless of me," Mia drawled, crossing her arms.

Now that they were standing side by side, Shai had the chance to evaluate the statement Cullen had made to her about he and his brother being mistaken for twins in their youth. Branson was, despite being younger, a few inches taller than the Commander. But his face was open and boyish while Cullen's was shuttered and serious. Branson's hair fell over his forehead in a mop of blonde curls, a contrast to his older brother's carefully controlled style. Both had frames built for muscle but while Cullen's was honed from sheer physical adversity, Branson's was lither, coming from the manual labor of farm work. Still, it was easy to, at first glance and from a distance, confuse them and Shai felt a little less embarrassed at being so ready to throw herself at Branson when he'd initially come through the door.

"Rosie," Cullen greeted his youngest sibling as Branson guided him to a chair.

"Cullen." Rosalie nodded having already been informed that her eldest sibling had returned when Mia and Shai entered the house together.

"So, if you're here," Branson began, gaze once again switching to Shai. "Then is this--"

"The Inquisitor, yes," Cullen supplied helpfully and Branson gave a low whistle.

"Its uh nice to meet you?" Shai offered, reaching up to scratch the back of her neck in a gesture reminiscent of her lover.

"The pleasures all mine." Branson practically beamed and then his expression turned coercing. "Since you're here, _Your Worship_ , would you mind settling an old score for us?"

"For who?" Shai asked, befuddled, at the same time Cullen groaned and dragged a hand down his face.

"No, Branson."

"Don't be such a killjoy."

"I said no."

"Come on, its--"

"--No, this is ridiculous"

"--harmless."

"I'll bite," Shai said, not really sure what she was agreeing to, only that Cullen was starting to flush and anything that made him react in such a way had to be some sort of fun.

"Well met, Inquisitor. You see," Branson continued, unperturbed by Mia's "Here we go", Rosalie's giggling, and Cullen's "Maker's breath". "We Rutherford men are considered to be fine specimens, if I do say so myself."

"Oh?" Shai was genuinely starting to enjoy the direction this conversation was going. _Time for a little payback_ , she thought gleefully, smothering her smirk.

"And there's been some argument over the years--"

"--Not from me!" Cullen interrupted and was immediately shushed.

"--Of who is the better looking brother," Branson finished triumphantly.

"There has?" Shai played along, watching Mia shake her head from the corner of her eye.

"There has," Branson declared. "And I believe you, being an outside party, can solve this dilemma for us."

"Or don't," Cullen tried one last time. "Really, it makes no difference whatsoever."

"Oh no, Commander, this does sound like it needs my immediate attention." She relished the disgruntled mumbling of her lover.

"So, between me and this old man, who's more handsome?" Branson flashed a charming smile, all straight white teeth and smoldering eyes. Shai bet that the girls in this settlement had trouble keeping their wits about them with him around. Cullen grumped in his chair, refusing to play along, glowering at her with an expression that clearly said "can we go home yet?" 

Shai brought her thumb and index finger to her chin, stroking meditatively. She examined Branson from head to toe then looked to Cullen then back to the younger Rutherford then back to the Commander.

"Well," she drawled and Cullen shot up from his chair as she drew that one word syllable out into at least three.

"We really shouldn't stay long," he blurted, frowning. "The Inquisition will expect us back presently." 

"You've only just got here." Mia's brows drew down over her eyes. "Surely you can stay for dinner and spend the night then leave tomorrow?" 

"We wouldn't want to inconvenience you," Cullen continued but, in a 180 from her earlier attitude, Mia waved his concerns away.

"We can make room. Besides, its not every day the Inquisitor comes to visit." 

Shai gave a small smile, allowing herself the thought that that statement could very well be proven true in the future.

+++++++

Hours later she and Cullen were in the small bedroom beneath the stairs, separated only from the main room by a thin curtain. What Shai had initially perceived to be a small house actually had an upper level to it and more space than she would have thought possible from the outside. It was homey and comforting. 

"Your family's great," she said as she undid her leather jerkin. "Really great." So great in fact she had begun to feel a pang in her chest at their evident love for their absentee brother. She had no siblings to speak of, no one of blood relation she was close with. Just a scheming mother removed from her life and a deceased father who hadn't really been much of a parent to begin with. The thought clouded her mind and she frowned. 

"Are you alright?" Cullen's hand drifted across her cheek and she pressed it to her face, briefly, before letting go. 

"Just tired is all. That was...a lot of talking."

"I'm sorry, they tend to pry," he apologized. By "they" he meant Rosalie and Branson who had prevailed upon her to tell them story after story of her feats. Neither Mia's nor Cullen's reprimands had dampened their fervor and Shai had relented because it felt _good_ to feel like part of the family so quickly. And that was exactly what Branson had called her as soon as it was spilled that she and Cullen were involved. If the closeness of the Rutherford siblings hadn't made her feel nostalgic and envious, than that statement certainly had.

"You're very lucky, Cullen," she couldn't help saying. "They love you. Immensely." She went to work on her boots, keeping her eyes downcast, blinking away the sudden sting at the backs of them. _And they weren't afraid of me_ , she added silently, unable to prevent the thought after a life time of being taught that Mages were to be feared. 

"Maker knows why," he sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I've kept them in the dark for so long, shut them out of my life. By all intents and purposes they should hate me...but they don't. I didn't know if they'd even recognize me, truth be told. I'm not the brother they remember in so many ways."

"You're still you."

"You didn't know me...before."

"No, but I know you now." 

"...And what do you see?" 

"I see a man who has made mistakes just like everyone else, who loves his family despite the fact letters aren't his strong suit. I see a man who is loyal and determined and hard working...I see a man I'm glad I met, also one I'm glad I didn't take the head off of no matter how tempted I was initially."

"You do?" His voice was hopeful. 

"I do," she agreed resolutely. She wouldn't lie to him. 

"I'm sorry to spring all this on you. I shouldn't have done that. It was...insensitive. But...you did well. And they like you. You really truly didn't have to humor Branson and his...contest. He likes to show off for pretty faces, always has."

"Is that jealousy I detect?" Shai teased, pulling off first her left boot then her right.

Cullen snorted and shook his head."Hardly. I'm the one you're about to go to bed with, aren't I?"

"Hmmm, but I could always change my mind." She let him grab her and pull her so she was straddling him, thighs on either sides of his hips.

"Don't," he implored softly and brought her down for a kiss.

"Are you still thinking?" She found herself asking when they parted to come up for air.  

Cullen sighed and rested his forehead against her own, closing his eyes. "Yes." 

"And?"

"And...I'll decide before we reach home."

++++

Cullen rose at the crack of dawn. It was hard for him not to. Too many years of Templar training instilled in his blood compounded by months of dealing with pressing Inquisition business that wouldn't have a dent made in it unless he rose early and retired late. He wasn't surprised when he swept the curtain to the bedroom aside, leaving Shai still curled in the blankets, to see Mia seated at the kitchen table, a mug before her, reading by candlelight.

His sister looked up and smiled as he took a seat across from her, promptly flipping her book over and front cover down. Cullen cocked an eyebrow but said nothing. For a few moments they just examined each other. He took in the changes in his eldest sibling's face, the ones he hadn't been around to see happen. Likewise he knew she was looking at the lines time and hardship had worn into his skin; he hoped she didn't see too much. Even he had a hard time looking in the mirror on some days.

"So...you're going back?"

"We have to."

"Of course."

"Mia I--"

"You don't have to apologize again." 

"Yes I do," Cullen sighed and reached across the table hesitantly. He grasped his sister's fingers in his own and squeezed. "I should've written. I should've stayed in touch. Especially after...after our parents..." 

"I know, Cullen." Mia gave him a squeeze back and he heard her sniffle. "Maker, we just thought we'd never see you again. Having to hear any news of you, and not even of _you_ , of the Inquisition, second hand was just terrible. After Haven, well, we didn't know if you were alive or dead. Branson was talking crazy about trying to track you down on his own. The idiot would've gotten lost somewhere and then we would've been out two brothers." 

Cullen cracked a bittersweet smile. "He says he can actually track worth a damn." 

"Oh that's animals." Mia waved a hand dismissively. "And only if they stay within a certain mile radius of the farm. Throw him out into the wilderness somewhere and he'd be at a total loss."

A loud snore echoing through the house from the discussed party interrupted their dialogue as if, even in sleep, Branson protested his skills being diminished.

"You know," Cullen began slowly, eyes lifting to hold Mia's. Her brown irises gazed back at his gold ones intently. "You're always welcome at Skyhold."

"Pfft, all that snow? And the mountains to climb? We'd probably freeze to death before we got there." Her gaze softened. "Maybe come spring time we could make the trip." Turning speculative. "Are you happy, Cullen?" 

"Happy?" He shifted in his seat. "Well, being Commander has its ups and downs and the Inquisition has hardly been an easy thing to get off the ground but--"

"Not in your duties, though I am glad you've found your place," Mia interrupted and Cullen fell silent. "With her. The Inquisitor. Maker, its still so strange a legend of Thedas is under our roof."

"Am I happy with Shai?" Cullen repeated, as much to his sister as to himself. Yes. He was. He felt lighter around her. Experienced emotions he didn't know existed. Yes, he was happy.

"Good," Mia said and he knew he'd spoken his thoughts aloud. "I like her, for what its worth."

"We had our differences at the beginning," he confessed.

"What? Because she's a Mage?"

"Among other things," he responded drily, thinking of Shai's talent for getting under his skin like nobody's business. A trait he'd come to find endearing as time passed.

"They say opposites attract," Mia said in a sing song voice. "Though Maker knows your little courtship sounds more like some torrid romance novel."

"You're not the first one to say that".

When Mia rose to refill her mug--Cullen declining the coffee she offered--he reached across the table and flipped over her book. He blinked once, twice, three times in disbelief. Mia's hand came down suddenly across the front cover and he looked up into her flushed face.

"Snooper."

"You can't be serious."

"I like it."

"Mia...its trash."

"It is not!"

Cullen snorted. Swords and Shields. By the Maker, if Varric's dirge was invading every home across Thedas they'd need to make a public decree to find and destroy all copies before they could inflict anymore mental harm.

By the time the rest of the Rutherfords, plus Shai, stumbled from their beds, Mia had commenced to making a breakfast large enough to feed a small army and Cullen was feeling more at ease than he'd felt in a long while largely due to he and his sister catching up on the years they'd missed. He hadn't fixed all the mistakes he'd created with his siblings, but the wounds he'd caused were on the mend and that was a good start. 

When Branson went out to feed the animals, he signaled Cullen to accompany him. The two brothers walked side by side, each carrying a bucket of grain, a picture of old times when they'd been younger. After finishing with the appointed task, Branson set his bucket down and leaned on a fence post. Cullen surveyed the land, committing to memory once more the place where he'd grown up.

"We've missed you, you know," Branson said after a few beats.

Cullen nodded, crossing his arms.

"I'm not gonna lay into you," his brother continued, using a phrase their father had always dished out before a stern--albeit necessary--talking to. "But don't do that disappearing shit again. I don't think we could handle it. Mia especially. You should've seen her after Haven. You know how she's always felt like she has to look out for all of us since mom and dad...yeah. She was really torn up, didn't sleep for a week. And Rosie...well, she was barely old enough to understand what was going on when you left for the Order but that didn't stop her from thinking she'd lost a brother when we got the news about the town being destroyed."

"I'm sorry," Cullen said when Branson trailed off. "I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have stayed away as long as I did. I should have...written more. I should have done a lot of things. But I'm prepared to do them now."

"You mean it?"

"I do."

"Well, _Ser_ Cullen, or is it _Commander_  Cullen now?"

"Just Cullen will do."

"Welcome back then, you old timer."

"Thanks, Branson."

"And uh just between us, when the Inquisitor gets tired of you do feel free to pass along my--"

Cullen methodically and calmly put his brother into a headlock, holding him there until Branson shouted that he yielded at least five times and promised he'd never say such a thing again another three.

Rosalie threw her arms around Cullen when it was time for he and Shai to leave. She was young, so young, when he left to become a Templar that he was surprised she was that affectionate towards him. But then again, Shai had reminded him last night that they all loved him and so he hugged Rosalie back. Mia gave them some provincials for the road and Branson caught Shai up in a hug before she had time to refuse. 

"Don't be a stranger," Mia said as she embraced Cullen before he mounted Rook.

As he and Shai started back down the road that would return them to Skyhold, he looked over his shoulder at his home and the three people standing in front of it waving. No, he wouldn't be a stranger any longer, not to them.  


	61. Though All before Me is Shadow

"If there isn't anything else..?" Shai let the question hang in the air, crossing her fingers behind her back that it would be answered with a "no." She and Josephine had been sequestered in the Ambassador's office long past the hour time slot that had originally been designated for their meeting. Everything had to be set and ready to go for the trip to the Emerald Graves tomorrow.

Fairbanks would be the main contact once Shai and her team arrived but she was also under instructions to locate smuggler caravans so they could better determine where the leader of the red Templars, Samson, was. "It won't be easy to get the jump on the caravans," Cullen had advised on their way back to Skyhold from South Reach when the conversation naturally turned from pleasure to business. "Just promise me you'll stay safe and come back in one piece." 

If Shai had anything to say about the matter it would be the red Templars in pieces, not her. They were so close to tipping Corypheus, to wrapping everything up, she could feel it. And she was chomping at the bit to finally bury all this Breach and God-Magister nonsense for good. 

"Come again?" She felt sheepish for missing whatever Josephine had just said.

"I would advise that you remember to keep an eye out for these self appointed 'Freemen of the Dales'. Leliana's forward scouts have reported they can be quite merciless. And they, like so many others we've encountered, are hostile to the Inquisition. Go figure," the Ambassador ended with a shrug and a smile.

"I cut my way through enough of them in the Plains," Shai reminisced. "They put up a good front but they're easy to scatter."

"All the better for you then. Well, I believe that will do it for--goodness, is it really almost midnight? My apologies, Inquisitor, I hadn't meant to keep you here for so long." Josephine's hands were a flurry of movement as she began to clean up her desk, neatly, but hastily, stacking papers together and placing them in drawers. "Really, I am quite sorry. I know you must be tired from your recent travels." 

Shai went to shrug and say that she was used to being exhausted with travels and meetings on top of each other, but a yawn stole her words and she grinned guiltily. "It has been a long day."

"Then until tomorrow, Inquisitor." Josephine dipped in a small bow and Shai waved a goodbye as she exited the Ambassador's office. Out in the great hall, a very empty great hall, she paused to stretch, listening to her back pop. Her eyes were stinging with lack of sleep and she gave a soft groan as she remembered at best she'd only get a few hours of shut eye before having to rise and prepare for the trip to the Graves.

She drug a hand over her face. Four to five days of travel. Four to five days of being back in the saddle from sunup to very near sundown. Shai rubbed her posterior absently, giving herself a small pat and hoping she wouldn't be bow legged from so much time spent in the saddle once this was all over. She ascended the stairs to her room, only pausing once more when she looked at the vast expanse of her empty bed.

Miko was curled on a pillow, a leather bracer in his mouth and he was chewing it vigorously. _Third pair this month_ , she thought tiredly but didn't disturb the nug. Sooner or later someone was going to complain that all their bracers were disappearing and then she'd have to curb the little animal's habit of stealing. But for now, he was flying under the radar. 

Shai sighed and started pulling off her armor and leathers. The brace on her left arm, per usual, left her struggling to free herself from it. "Oh come the fuck on," she growled as she inadvertently tightened a strap instead of loosing it. More tugging. "Fuck!" The strap stuck in its buckle and she lost all patience.

"Miko!" The nug's head shot up and he let out a small chirp of inquisition. "Here."

Shai held her arm out to the little animal and, after eyeing the new leather he was presented with versus the partly destroyed bracer, he trotted over and happily attached himself to the strap. Within no time it was cleaved in half and Shai sighed in relief as she was able to strip the brace from her arm. She'd just nip down to the undercroft tomorrow before they left and have Dagna or Harritt--

The door to her bedroom slammed open and she jumped a foot in the air. An uneven tread resounded on the stairs and she whirled to see Cullen holding onto the bannister.

"For fuck's sake!" She rasped, feeling a little light headed. "I thought I was being attacked."

"I'm sorry." He frowned. "I--I didn't mean to do that so...loudly. Forgive me." He shook his head as if to clear it. 

"Its alright. Sorry, I'm just...tired." Shai turned her attention from the Commander and went to work on her boots. Encrusted with mud, cracked in places...she was going to need a new pair before too long, before her current ones fell apart on her out in the field. Now that would be fun, traversing some far flung terrain in bare feet. Well it wasn't like Solas didn't do that, or the other numerous elves she'd encountered, so maybe it wasn't too--

A body crashed into her back and only a strong, almost preternaturally strong, pair of arms kept her from going face first into the floor. This time she gave a small scream at the unexpected contact and then stumbled forward under the weight of someone who didn't seem predisposed to standing on their own anytime soon.

"What in the--" She twisted in Cullen's grasp, his regular scent mixed with the heavier one of male sweat alerting her to who her assailant was. Not that he was obviously the only other person in the room with her or anything.

Whatever reprimand she was about to lead with died on her lips as she took in the Commander's face. His eyes were bloodshot, red rimmed, bright but unfocused, pupils blown wide open to obliterate the gold of the irises. His color was all wrong, too rosy and flushed. Moisture beaded his forehead and upper lip and he was hot, so hot. Shai's own internal temperature jumped at the waves of heat that seemed to radiate off Cullen's body and her heart beat picked back up. Oh something was wrong, something was _very_ wrong.  

"Cullen?" Her voice was almost shrill, driven upwards by her sudden panic. He blinked at her, unseeing, and his chapped lips parted but nothing came out. He was leaning more and more on her, their combined weight starting to take them both down.

"Shit." She swore as they collapsed, her head ricocheting painfully off the stone floor. Cullen landed atop her, a hoarse moan breaking from him. He was so heavy and for a moment Shai found it hard to breathe around him. Her chest cavity felt like it was being crushed and she scrambled to push him off.

"Cullen," she grunted as she planted both hands against his shoulders and shoved. His shirt was soaked and her palms slid uselessly against it. He wasn't moving. She actually wasn't sure if he was even conscious. His breathing was harsh and erratic and when she turned her head his eyes had fluttered close. She tried to shift him again, bringing her knees up and digging them into his sides, trying to find purchase. 

"Oh bloody hell," she panted as she strained against the Commander's dead weight. _At least he's not wearing his armor_ , some detached part of her mind pointed out. She gave a cry of effort as finally, after a couple more failed attempts, she managed to roll him off her and onto his back. He hit the stone floor with a solid thunk, breath whooshing from his lungs before it resumed its abnormal repetitions.

Shai drew a full gust of air into her lungs, chest expanding and contracting with no impediment. Then she flipped to her hands and knees, concentration sliding to the unconscious man in her room. She needed to call for the healer. That much was clear. Cullen was shivering in spastic intervals, limbs twitching, fingers dancing uncoordinatedly against the floor. Shai's heart leapt to her throat. _What do I do, what do I do, what do I do..._

"Maker, oh sweet Maker, fuck." Her voice was thick and the prickling sensation that heralded tears was at the backs of her eyes. She blinked, hard. "Cullen?" She knew he probably couldn't hear her, couldn't process she was speaking to him. "Cullen, wake up...Cullen please." Shai swallowed. "Cullen!" 

Her throat closed up as she got to her feet, headed to the bed to retrieve a blanket. He didn't look cold with how profusely he was sweating but it was the only thing her unprepared mind could think of to do. She had her feather comforter in hand, was back on her knees by his side, ready to place it over him--Cullen's eyes flew open and Shai fell away with a cry of alarm, her butt connecting with the floor hard enough to make her bite her tongue. Cullen's pupils stared at the ceiling and bit by bit the tremors wracking his frame ceased.

"Cull--" Shai swallowed "--Cullen?" His eyes flicked to her immediately and she let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "Cullen are you--"

He moved so fast it was impossible to see it coming. The air fled her lungs as he slammed into her, driving her backwards against the floor, her head bouncing off it and making her see stars. She felt a cut open up on the back of her skull and whimpered.

"What do you want from me demon?" Cullen spit, his breath hot on her face. "Why can't you leave me be?!" He roared this last part and actually raised her, tossing her away from him. Shai skidded a few feet, struck dumb by horrified amazement at how rapidly he'd awoken...and what hellish nightmare she'd inadvertently fallen into.

"Cullen stop!" She pedaled backwards, boots scraping at the stone. The Commander staggered to his feet, nearly fell down, then regained his balance. His hands hooked into claws. _Get up_ , she told herself. _Get up, get up, get up_! She did so as fast as her confused befuddled brain would relay the appropriate signals to her limbs. It felt like she was moving in slow motion, like one of those dreams where you're chased by something that continues to close in on you no matter how fast you run. 

She was moving to the bannister and the door beyond, ready to flee this room and whatever delirium had Cullen in its grip. What she would do when she was on the other side of her bedroom door that she intended to somehow barricade behind her, she didn't know. Only that the hair was standing up all over her arms and the back of her neck and her gut instinct was telling her she needed to get out and fast. 

A hand closed on her shoulder, fingers digging into her skin hard enough to make her gasp in pain. In another second her feet went out from under her as she was thrown backwards. To the floor she went, her momentum carrying her heels over her head in a reverse somersault. She landed, sprawled, at the foot of the bed. Her ears rang and she struggled up onto her elbows, slow to regain her senses.

Incessant chirping was all the protest Miko was able to muster as Cullen advanced. Dimly she was aware that if she didn't make herself move, he'd come down on top of her and she'd be trapped. She flipped onto her stomach, her nails scratching the stone as she pushed to her knees and then her feet.

"I can endure this, do you hear me! I know what you are and you will not win. You can not have me!" Cullen lunged towards her as she scrambled away behind her desk, bracing her hands against the high back of the chair that accompanied it. 

"Cullen stop! It's me, it's Shai!" Her pleas fell on deaf ears as he reached out and dragged the desk out of the way. _That thing must weigh a ton_ , she mused in shock. _How could he have just moved it like it was nothing?_ Then his hands were on her shoulders, bruising, bearing her backwards until she was flush against the wall, the coldness of it a sharp contrast to the heat radiating from him.

"I. CAN. ENDURE." He growled through clenched teeth, giving her a vicious shake to emphasize each word. She bit down on the inside of her cheek hard, yelping in pain. Her head smacked the wall and a gurgling noise left her throat as pain lanced through her. Cullen's hands slid from her shoulders to her throat, clamping around her neck and squeezing.

"Cullen, Cullen no!" Shai's voice came out a squeak, the last word a strangled whisper. Cullen's eyes narrowed to slits, his face flushed and sweating. He pulled her up to eye level, her feet scrabbling against hisshins, trying to find purchase. Her fingers wrapped around his wrists, squeezing and pulling to no avail. He was stronger than her, far stronger, and fueled by this...hallucination. The fact he'd called her a demon had turned her blood to ice in her veins. 

"This is the last time. THE. LAST. TIME!" 

Shai slapped and clawed desperately at him, trying to free herself, but he held firm, his grip tightening until black dots began to appear in her vision and a pressure built inside her skull. Her pulse beat loudly in her ears. _No, not like this. Not. Like. This_. On the crest of a last minute adrenaline rush, she brought one palm up to face the Commander and what left it was a bright burst of lightning.

Instantly his hands were gone and she dropped to the floor, bent over, hacking air back into her lungs as Cullen's surprised and pained shout echoed in her ears. A wave of abrupt nausea rocked her and she leaned to the side, preparing to be sick. Her eyes watered as her stomach heaved, bringing up the meal she'd had earlier and she felt on the verge of passing out. Broken sobs slid through her clenched teeth interspersed with sharp panicky inhales.  

"Makers breath!" She looked up to see Cullen standing statue still in the middle of the room, hands fisted in his hair. His eyes were wide and staring at her in horror. All signs of fever had left them and they were very cognizant, very dreadfully _aware_.

"Shai? Oh no, Maker, please, no I didn't--" He broke off as a moan tore past his lips. She flinched, involuntarily, as he took a step in her direction and she watched the revulsion and self-hatred cloud his face.

"Shai..."

She tried to answer, but her vocal chords wouldn't work. All she managed was a sharp braying noise. Cullen reeled backwards as if slapped.

"No, no, no, NO!" He whirled to the nearest wall, shooting a punch out, the bones in his hand audibly breaking as it connected. Shai winced as he turned and slid to the floor, injured hand cradled in his lap, face dropped into the palm of his good hand. It took her a moment to realize he was crying he was so silent, but the shake of his shoulders gave him away.

"Cullen," she rasped, crawling towards him. If he heard her he gave no indication.  "Cullen," she tried again. 

Maker but everything hurt; she dug her nails deeply into her palms trying to keep herself conscious. The room was tilting from left to right and she felt like she was going to be sick again. Her head pulsed violently in steady rhythm with her heart beat and it was making thinking impossibly hard. She'd been in a lot of physical pain since stepping out of the Fade but this very nearly topped everything else, except for, maybe, her injuries after Haven.

Shai reached out a hand to touch him and he jerked away from her so quickly she almost lost her balance. He stared at her like he'd never seen her before and she felt her heart squeeze at how damned he looked, tear tracks streaking his cheeks.

"Cullen..." She reached out tentatively again, letting her hand hang between them until she was sure he wouldn't move, and lightly cupped his jaw. With something halfway between a sob and a groan he pulled her to him, cursing when she draggedagainst his broken hand.

"Shhhh it's ok, it's ok." She rested her chin on the top of his head as he buried his face in her chest. Her fingers stroked his head in what was supposed to be a soothing rhythm but they were shaking so badly she doubted it was having the desired effect.  "It's ok, it's ok...." 

Cullen's arms were tight around her, his body shaking, catching her own frame up in its tremors. He was mumbling something against the front of her shirt but she couldn't understand him. Pressing her ear to the top of his head she closed her eyes and listened intently.

"...sorry, I'm so sorry, Maker forgive me, please don't hate me, please, I'm sorry Shai, I'm so, so sorry..."

"Its ok," she repeated for what felt like the thousandth time. Her head hurt too much to push any different words to her lips. And Maker, yes, she was definitely bleeding. A thin trail of wet was snaking its way down the back of her skull, her neck, to disappear into the collar of her shirt.

_A night terror_ , she thought dimly. _He was having a night terror_. Oh, he'd spoken to her about his addiction when she emerged from the Fade at Adamant, but she'd had no reference for how bad the withdrawal could be, had no way to imagine the deliriums he could be locked in as his body--traitorously--fought to cling to the traces of lyrium still in its system like a drowning man clings to a piece of driftwood.

She didn't remember starting to cry but tears spilled down her cheeks and onto the top of Cullen's head, soaking his blonde disheveled curls. The metallic taste of fear was still strong in her mouth. When she closed her eyes she felt the crushing weight of Cullen's hands around her neck again, felt each individual finger digging into her flesh. _Wasn't him_ , she thought shakily. _Wasn't him. Wasn't him_. The Commander she knew would never, in a million years, lay a hand upon her. 

She pressed her lips to the top of his head, saying a fool's prayer he wouldn't remember any of this in the morning. He'd hate himself for the rest of his days if he knew what he'd done and she knew there would be nothing she could say to change that. They sat entwined for what felt like hours--she stroking his head and just holding him--but eventually his grip on her began to slacken though it did not give entirely. 

He slumped towards the floor, taking her with him but having enough presence of mind left to settle his arm under her head as a cushion against the hard stone. She cradled him against her, wrapping both arms around his broad shoulders. Steadily his breathing slowed until soft snores were slipping from his lips. Shai tried to keep her eyes open but her pain was sapping her strength. Dimly she realized she might have a concussion and wasn't supposed to fall asleep, and that Cullen's hand was most definitely broken and needed attention, but her battle against her rapidly closing eyes was a losing one. _Please don't let anyone find us like this_ , was her last thought before sleep claimed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAHHHHHHHHHH ANGSTY ANGSTY ANGST


	62. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why it feels like I haven't updated in a while. It must've just been a really long week :p

He didn't wake from the sunlight coming in through the windows, or because someone was shifting against him, or because his body suddenly realized how uncomfortable where it was laying was. He woke because a headache was cleaving his head in two and he thought he would start to vomit from the pain. 

Cullen's eyes opened, cracked at first but widening with every second. He was staring up not at the familiar ceiling of his loft but at the arcing ceiling of the Inquisitor's quarters. He frowned as much from disconcertion as from the relentless throbbing inside his skull. Why was he in Shai's room? And why were they on the floor? Surely they hadn't spent a night of passion so draining they couldn't make it a few feet to the bed?

He went to rub the sleep from his eyes and groaned aloud as a sharp stab of agony shot up his arm. _Sweet Maker_...he looked down at a mangled right hand, at fingers that had swelled to twice their normal size, at a long gash across his knuckles crusted over with dried blood. Then it all came back to him. The fever that had gripped him so suddenly on his way to Shai's chambers to tell her that yes, he would remain, their visit to South Reach had reminded him what the Inquisition was about deep down: protecting the ones everyone loved.

He remembered stumbling up the stairs to her rooms, apologizing for slamming the door, trying to articulate the word "help" but not wanting to alarm her, crashing into her hoping she could hold him up because his legs had abruptly relinquished that job, and then the rest was a blur until the moment he came to with Shai bent over on the ground before him, hacking air back into her oxygen deprived lungs, vivid red fingerprints, _his_ fingerprints, bracketing her neck.

He'd hurt her...he'd nearly killed her. His eyes traveled to her sleeping form curled up next to him, her head pillowed on the bicep of his good arm. He went to move her shirt away from her neck, to see if her brown skin still bore the marks he'd put on her, and his bad hand gave another throb. _Broken, its broken_ , he thought as he inhaled with a hiss. _Have to find a way to explain that one to the healers_.

Maker, how he wished it'd all been just a bad dream, that he was waking up in his loft instead of on Shai's floor where he remembered, now, dragging them both after his senses had reasserted themselves. Shame coursed over him in huge crushing waves and his throat tightened. He felt sick.

Shai stirred and he froze. A pale green eye cracked open and flickered up to his face. Its twin joined it and he had to look away from the accusation, from the fear, the disgust, the _hate_ he was sure he would see there. Fingers brushed his cheek and gently applied pressure, becoming more firm when he resisted their efforts to turn his head. 

"Cullen." Her voice was raspy, huskier than usual. He winced. His cheeks and neck burned. She should be running from him, _screaming_ , wanting to get away. He was lower than the low. He had attacked her like...like some sort of _animal_.

"Cullen," Shai said, more demanding this time and her fingers slid to grasp his chin and force his gaze to hers. "Don't," she commanded when his golden irises met hers. "Don't." 

"I hurt you," he whispered, voice cracking. 

"Not you," she responded lowly. "Never you. That last night? That wasn't you. That couldn't be you in a million years."

"You don't know what you're saying." He felt her fingers slip from his face as he turned his gaze away once more. "You don't deserve this."

Those were apparently the magic words. He felt her move away and he closed his eyes; _good, go while you have the chance, before I do something else_. Palms landed on his cheeks with a little more force than necessary and he couldn't help frowning at the rough contact.

"Look at me." Warm breath fanned across his lips. "Cullen?"

Shai's voice was insistent. He gave in. Her eyes had _never_ reminded him of fire, no matter how hotly they could burn when she was incensed or drowning in lust and wanting, but at the current moment he thought they were like staring into a burning flame. They bored through him, wrung the breath from his lungs.

"This was not your fault." Her voice was steel and her grip on him tightened. He hardly felt any better at her words. "Besides, its not like I didn't get one in on you." She gently pushed at a hole in his shirt he hadn't been aware was there. When he directed his gaze to his shoulder he saw his flesh was burned in an area roughly the size of a human palm.

"That's beside the point," he contested, adding, "And it _is_ my fault."  

"If you think this changes how I feel about you, then think again." She was angry he realized belatedly. "What happened last night was hardly something you planned on doing, never mind that its something you'd never do again! No, Cullen," she snapped when he opened his mouth to interrupt. "That's the truth no matter how hard you want to spin it so you look like the bad guy just because you _feel_ like one right now. This was--" she gestured vaguely. His hand gave another throb and he gritted his teeth at the wave of pain. "--This was a bump in the road. Maybe not a bump. Maybe like a mountain, a small one though. But you keep going because shit gets better. That's all there is to it, and I know I'm no good at inspirational speeches but Cullen--" she broke off, swallowed, blinked away the glassiness of her eyes "--I don't want it to go back to when we didn't talk, to when you avoided me because you thought it was best that way. The whole point of being together is to help each other through shit like this. And I'm willing to do that."

It was a tirade broken by pauses as Shai searched for the right words, but a tirade all the same and Cullen felt one of the many knots in his stomach loosen. Her absolution or forgiveness or understanding, whatever it was, of what he'd done hardly erased the previous night but it made it a little easier to bear. It didn't, however, alleviate the immense worry he still felt over her being in harm's way by remaining close to him. 

"Your hand," Shai gasped, reaching for the damaged appendage then apparently thinking better of touching such a grotesque injury. 

"It'll be fine," Cullen said automatically. That's how he'd dealt with injuries in the past; say it will be fine and then move on to more important matters. 

"No, you need to go to a healer." Shai was scrambling to her feet. She winced and hissed. "Maybe I should go see one too. Oh fuck." 

"What?" He used his good arm to push himself up, assisted in part by Shai. 

"We leave for the Graves today. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I'm not even packed!" She released him to retrieve her pack from where it rested in a corner. Throwing it on the bed, she made for the large armoire that contained all her clothing. "Josephine is going to kill me! It's still kind of early, right? I can just throw stuff together real quick and--"

"Shai."

She stopped and looked at him. A curl fell across her forehead and he resisted reaching out to tuck it behind her ear. He didn't want to allow himself to touch her right now. Not when he'd used his touch to hurt less than twenty four hours ago. He needed some time to decompress. 

"Go see a healer first." 

"I don't have time." 

"Yes you do. You can't go on the road like that."

"Solas could patch me up on the way. He's coming with me anyways."

"No. A healer. Now." He slipped into a commanding tone so easily, the last word coming out sharp and clipped. 

"I'll go if you go," she responded. He sighed. He was really not in the mood to play games right now. He was having enough trouble as it was standing upright. It might've been just his hand but he felt the pain all through his body, especially his head which was growing alarmingly foggy and dizzy. 

"I'm going regardless," he said flatly. "This isn't something I can patch up with healing potions." 

"Well we can't walk in together," Shai pointed out. "It'll look too conspicuous. You go first. Yours is worse. I promise I'll have them fix me before we get on the road. At least I can get packed and keep us mostly on schedule if I go in a bit." 

Her logic wasn't wrong and Cullen's lips thinned. He'd prefer her to see someone now, to make sure there wasn't any internal damage they were unaware of. He couldn't know all that he'd done and he didn't think Shai would be up to telling him if he asked. She could be putting on a front to cover a bad injury, but again she wouldn't tell him that she was if he asked. But they couldn't walk in to the healer's quarters together. It would raise eyebrows and open mouths and the whole fortress would be swarming with rumors about what the Commander and Inquisitor had gotten up to in the night time to warrant a medical trip. Their relationship was publicly known but they still had a level of professionalism to keep intact.

"Then let me send Solas up," he mediated. He really, _really_ , wanted someone to see to Shai now as opposed to later. The elf could be trusted to keep his mouth shut.

"Fine." She huffed and waved her hand flippantly. "That's fine."

"Do you feel alright?" He couldn't help asking. He blinked to bring Shai back into focus. Maker, he really did need to get a move on to the healer's quarters.

"I'll be fine," she said instead of a direct answer and he knew that was probably the best he'd manage to get. "I'll come see you before we leave?"

"Don't go out of your way." 

"I'm not." She frowned and took a step towards him. He retreated and her frown deepened. When she advanced again he kept his feet rooted to the spot though his heartbeat picked up. Instead of coming towards him anymore, her expression dropped and she turned back to her packing."You should probably go get your hand fixed. Its already swelled enough over night its not gonna be pretty to set." 

He nodded, opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. He didn't know what words to fill the silence with. Perhaps it was one of those times where a break was needed, a grace period. He took his leave, hiding his right hand as far in the crook of his left arm as he could. Better to keep his predicament from any prying eyes.   


	63. A Tree Grows Here for Every Knight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG how is it Sunday already?? I'll try and have the 2nd chapter up by the end of Monday night because I meant to do 2 this time to make up for my miss last week

"It's kinda creepy here, yeah?" 

"Legend says that a tree grows here for every elven knight of Halamshiral who perished in its defense," Scout Harding recited as she faced out towards the immense foliage of the Emerald Graves. 

"So's I was right," Sera said. "Creepy." 

"Anything else?" Shai asked, smoothing down a piece of her staff's wrapped grip that had started to fray. 

"Watch out for the red Templars. They've been sighted in the area." 

"Where haven't those bastards been?" Iron Bull rumbled as he rolled his neck, eliciting popping sounds. "I'll personally eat my boots if we find one place they aren't."

"The Emerald Knights," Solas recited, detouring into his own world, evidently taking Scout Harding's initial report and running with it. "They once patrolled the borders of the Dales protecting the elven people. The Dalish saw them as romantic--" 

"--I'll open a history book when we get back to Skyhold if I want to hear about it, yeah?" Sera interrupted, drawing an arrow from her quiver and nocking it. "Let's go get the baddies. Standing still's all boring."

Shai thought she saw Solas' eye twitch infinitesimally.

"The other camps are marked on the map?" She asked Scout Harding.

The dwarf nodded. "Yup. Four total. This is the Hill Camp but there's Briathos' Steps, Direstone Camp, and Gracevine Camp." 

"Great, thanks. We should get going. Guys?" Shai looked to her companions and waited for their nods before leading the way out of the camp. 

"Oh! Watch out for Fade rifts!" Harding called after them. "There's been a lot of them spotted around here! Oh and there're giants, make sure you don't get stepped on! Oh and a dragon! Its in the--" 

"Boss!" Bull trumpeted, drowning out the dwarf's last warnings. "Boss, pleaaaaasssseeeeeeeee."

"Bull..." Shai began, using the tone one might employ with a child. "We didn't come here to go dragon hunting."

"We never go anywhere to go dragon hunting!" The Qunari complained as they cleared the edge of the Hill Camp and their boots sank into the dense grass of the Graves. "Please? Just this once?"

"Just this once?" Shai laughed. "So just this once was also every other region we've been to?"

"I didn't even go with you to half those places," Bull argued. "Could we at least just _look_ at her?"

"Fine," Shai relented knowing full well a "look" would not satisfy her companion and they'd end up fighting the beast. "But only a _fter_ we meet this Fairbanks and _after_ we intercept those smuggler caravans Cullen warned about."

"Your Cully-Wully?" Sera made loud blubbery kissy noises and Shai rolled her eyes. "Trying new positions, yeah? Find any good--"

"--Fade rift!" Shai cut the rogue off, pointing to the green tear in the air not twenty yards from them.

"I'll also eat my pants if we ever go to a place where there aren't any of those," Bull added as the group charged in to meet the demons already spawning.  

+++++++

_~~Dear Commander,~~ _

_~~Dear Cullen,~~ _

_~~Dear Commander,~~ _

_~~Dear Cullen,~~ _

_Commander,_

_We intercepted the caravans smuggling red lyrium. The red Templars fought hard but were ultimately defeated. ~~I wasn't hurt.~~ No one was hurt on our side. We've made contact with Fairbanks, ~~though I expect you know this through the regular reports coming back and I trust you weren't waiting on me for this titillating bit of information.~~ The caravans had letters with them and I think you'll find them rather useful. I'll enclose them with this report and send them back to Skyhold so you can read them and then let us know where to go from here. ~~The Graves are peaceful. They're actually really beautiful in a creepy, mass grave kind of way. Solas keeps talking about all the elven lore here and I think Sera, Dorian, and Bull are ready to throttle him from the history lesson we get every single time we come across a statue...which is a lot. I doubt you care about any of this. I put the important stuff first so you can, you know, just disregard all this rambling. I hope you're feeling better. It wasn't your~~  _

~~_Shai_ ~~

~~_Inquisitor Trevelyan_ ~~

~~_Shai_ ~~

_Inquisitor Trevelyan_

Shai waved the missive briefly, drying the ink words and the many strikethroughs she'd scratched. She sighed. She had no idea how to communicate with Cullen, not while they were balancing on some thin tight rope over a massive chasm. If they'd resolved things before she'd left then she'd be in a better place to gauge what he was thinking.

But they hadn't and she was so bloody unsure how a more personal letter would be received. So she settled on businesslike, extremely businesslike. In fact the letter was so stiff, if she compared it to some of the missives she'd had to write to the Commander when the Inquisition first started, there would hardly be a difference. 

She sighed again and leaned back against the fallen tree she was using as a back rest. She and her team were getting ready to turn in for the night. There was still daylight coming through the many leaves above them, but it would be dark soon enough and traipsing through the Graves in pitch black was not something any of them wanted to do. Already Sera had nearly sprained her ankle, her foot getting caught in a massive tree root, resulting in Bull carrying her protesting person back to camp.

If they went out in the dark they'd probably all break their necks. Shai almost wished they would try the excursion with some torches. It would keep her mind off of wandering back to Skyhold, wondering what Cullen was doing, wondering if even now he was planning the words of separation he would say to her when they returned--

"You're looking rather gloomy tonight." Dorian dropped down beside Shai, a flask in his hand. He pressed it into her hand. She frowned.

"Where did you get this?"

"One of those blighted Freemen dropped it when he stepped on my fire rune. Its good. I can confidently say that at least some of those cretins have some good taste."

Shai raised an eyebrow but nevertheless took a swig. The liquor burned going down but it was a smooth burn and she barely coughed as she returned the flask to Dorian. "You're right."

"I always am," the Tevinter said casually and took a drink. "Now, what's with the long face?"

"What long face?"

"Don't play coy with me," he tsked. "I've been watching you try and write a letter for the past twenty minutes though I can't imagine you have _that_ much to say to our illustrious Commander. The important things we've done could hardly take more than a few lines and you've been over here scribbling away then scratching then scribbling. Its a wonder there was any room left on the parchment after all that."  

Shai rolled the missive into a neat cylinder when her friend's eyes went to pry. She rapped Dorian on his knee with it. "Mind your own business."

"But its so terribly boring," he drawled, flashing a smile. "I much prefer the affairs of others. Don't think I haven't noticed how quiet you've been overall. Why, you didn't even bother telling Solas to can it earlier and I know he was boring you."

"I'm trying this new thing where I be nice to people," Shai tossed out airily and then felt her cheeks burn at Dorian's guffaw. She'd always been a terrible liar.

"Right, and I'm about to start taking fashion advice from that elf." He nudged her with his shoulder. "If you don't want to talk that's quite alright. But I _will_ start guessing and ultimately I will get to the bottom of this mystery."

"There's no mystery," Shai snapped, then lowered her voice when a few nearby scouts looked her way. "There's nothing to tell."

"Trouble in paradise? Lover's quarrel?"

"Why would you assume that?"

"Because when we left, you and the Commander didn't share your usual kiss."

"We don't kiss every time I leave," Shai said indignantly.

"Maybe not in front of everyone," Dorian teased. "But I've seen you sneaking down from his office right before we depart. Although, maybe it isn't _kissing_ you're doing every time."

"You're incorrigible," she growled.

"So I've been told. Have I hit the nail on the head? Was there some sort of spat?"

"No, we didn't fight. It wasn't anything like that."

"Mhhm." The Tevinter didn't look in the least bit convinced. Shai rolled her eyes in exasperation and faced forward, hoping Dorian would get the message. He didn't. 

"You know, you're terrible at keeping a straight face. Whenever anyone mentions anything that hits the slightest bit close to home, your eye twitches like so." He demonstrated. Shai punched his arm, lightly, and scoffed. 

"It does not! At least it doesn't twitch _that_ much." 

"Aha! She admits it!"

Shai made an inarticulate growling noise and pushed to her feet, the missive for Cullen clutched in her right hand. 

"Where are you going?" Dorian called. 

"Where do you think?" She responded, waving the rolled missive for him to see. She approached the camp's resident raven, the bird perched majestically on its designated stand. It cawed at her in greeting and shuffled a bit, inspecting her with black beady eyes. Shai gingerly tucked the missive into the holster on the raven's leg, always wary the bird would suddenly bite her fingers off. When she suffered no maiming from the avian animal, she held out her arm and let the bird step onto it.

Heading to the outskirts of the camp, she turned and thrust her arm into the air. The raven took flight with a caw, soaring into the skies. Shai watched until the bird was out of sight. The crunch of approaching footsteps made her turn. Dorian had followed her, his gaze concerned.

"I'm sorry for prying," he began, grey eyes sweeping her face. "I seem to have hit a nerve." 

"Its not you." Shai hugged herself, suddenly cold as the memories of why she was behaving so uncharacteristically flooded her mind. "You're just trying to help in your annoyingly endearing, dogged way."

"I'll stop if you wish me to," her friend responded. 

"Its not easy to talk about," Shai murmured, wondering why she was about to spill her secret. Dorian wouldn't tell anyone. She felt as if she'd be betraying Cullen somehow by speaking of what happened. But, then again, she was stewing on it so much that it was making her unable to focus on anything besides how Cullen was behaving back home and what would happen when she rejoined him. 

"We could go somewhere more private?" Dorian offered, indicating Shai's tent on the other side of the campsite. She nodded and followed him there, both of them skirting the campfire so as to avoid being drawn into conversation with the rest of their companions. Dorian swept the tent flaps aside and she proceeded him into the burlap lodging, sinking down onto her cot while her friend remained standing. 

"So?" 

"So..." She bit her lip. It was now or never. "Something...happened." 

Dorian didn't say anything, merely raised an eyebrow. She swallowed. 

"It wasn't good." 

"I daresay from those marks on your neck it wasn't." 

Shai blanched and her hands flew to her skin. She'd declined Solas' proffered help before they left Skyhold because she'd checked in the mirror and hadn't seen any left over from her initial healing attempt. And she'd looked hard, made sure to look hard because no one could know--or even speculate--what might have made those marks that resembled the length and width of fingers. 

"Don't worry," he continued softly. "I don't think anyone else has noticed. And there are only a few, more towards the back than the front. I only noticed because you bent over to pick something up and your scarf shifted a little." 

"I thought I healed them," Shai said miserably. Her friend looked at her sympathetically. 

"Healing spells are a little tricky when you aren't a Knight Enchanter...or I guess Solas for that matter. There's no telling whether they'll work or not. For the most part they hold for the moment and then wear off at a crucial point later on, from my experience. I don't doubt you did try to heal them. The surface damage probably went away, but the underlying injury most likely caused the former to resurface since I'm guessing your spell wasn't strong enough. It's alright, my dear. It happens to the best of us. So, since the metaphorical cat is out of the bag, did Cullen, by chance, give you those?" 

"He didn't mean to," she said quietly, her face crumpling. Suddenly her eyes were stinging with tears and she sniffled rather loudly. Maker, where was this coming from? Why in the world was she crying now when the event was days behind her? "He had a night terror or hallucination, I don't know which. He came into my room and then...then the shit just hit the wall. He had a seizure, or something like it, and he wasn't waking up and then when he did he attacked me and I only got him off because I used magic and if I hadn't I don't know what would've happened--"  

Her voice muffled as Dorian's arms came around her and her face was pressed into his shoulder. She was shaking, as much in remembrance of her near brush with death as with relief of finally unburdening herself to someone. "He was ranting about a demon saying it wouldn't get him this time and that he could endure and he started _choking_ me. Dorian if you could've only seen him when he realized what he'd done. It...it..."

Shai bit her lip trying to force back a sob but it broke free despite her efforts. She realized, dazedly, she'd been in a state of delayed shock during their entire journey to the Graves and now the actual horror of what happened that night crashed into her. Her shoulders shook and her chest heaved as she spent herself on Dorian's shoulder, working to keep her crying to a minimum. The last thing she needed was a well meaning scout sticking their head in to inquire if she was alright. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry." She pushed away from the Tevinter, avoiding looking at the slobbering mess she'd made on his robe. 

"Don't apologize," Dorian chided gently. Then after a pause,"You said he realized what he'd done?" 

"Maker, yes." Shai ground her palms into her wet eyes, seeing pricks of different colored light against her closed lids. "I shocked him to get him off and he snapped out of it and he just--" She took a deep breath. "He just lost it. Fuck." She wiped away a fresh onslaught of tears. "You can't tell anyone about this, Dorian." She knew he wouldn't but she had to say it out loud to justify the story she'd just spilled, the way she'd violated Cullen's privacy. 

"Of course not," the Tevinter replied softly. "I wouldn't dream of it." 

"Thanks." Shai rubbed her nose, glad no snot came away stuck to the back of her hand. 

"Do you...are you afraid to be around him now?" 

"No," Shai answered almost immediately. "I couldn't be. I know he didn't do any of that intentionally. He wouldn't ever do anything like that to me, especially to me. I could never be afraid of him." 

"Does he think you are?" 

"Maybe?" She honestly didn't know. The way he'd acted in her room the morning after...she'd tried to go to him and he'd retreated from her, expression wary like she might suddenly attack him...or like he might do something to her. "I think he is. Knowing him he definitely is." 

"And nothing you say is going to convince him otherwise?" Dorian guessed, moving a strand of hair out of Shai's face. She sighed, the noise shuddery with the last bouts of her tears. 

"It feels like it. That missive? I was crossing out the greeting over and over again. I couldn't decide whether to make it formal or personal because I don't know how he's feeling right now. I don't know if I'm going to get back and he's going to accept I forgive him and move on or whether he's going to come to me and say its over and that he's too dangerous." The tears started again and she angrily dashed them away. "If he does that I'll set his whole bloody fucking office on fire." 

"I wouldn't doubt such a thing for a minute," Dorian deadpanned and got a smile out of her. "So...you're going to go see him once we return?" 

"I have to," Shai said, hugging herself again. Dorian's arms retreated from around her and he sat beside her in companionable silence. "If I leave him to come to me...he probably never will. Andraste's tits! He's going to shut me out again I just know it!" 

She sprang from her cot, hands balling into fists, face flushing with her sudden anger. "He's going to fucking act like he can't see me, look right through me, and fucking say its for my best interests!" 

"What do you mean _again_?" Dorian, ever perceptive, questioned. Shai waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. 

"He did this before because he wasn't--" she stopped herself before she could reveal Cullen's decision not to take lyrium anymore. "Because he wasn't feeling well," she concluded instead. "He thought I could get hurt, be collateral damage." 

"But the distancing was worse than any physical pain," the Tevinter mused. "Physical pain you can treat. Emotional--"

"--Runs its course," Shai finished for him, shoulders sagging, chest constricting as she imagined losing Cullen. 

"Maybe he'll surprise you." 

"Doubtful. He runs true to form. He's going to worry himself sick that he could do much worse than what he did and then he's going to retreat behind that maddening fucking calm." Her voice ended on a near shriek and she reigned her temper back in, taking a deep breath and letting it go. "I'm sorry. I'm...I don't know why I'm acting like this." 

"Shock," Dorian commiserated, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "It affects us all in different ways. Some people become catatonic," --( _like me after Rhys_ , she thought) --"some people become hysterical, some people can't get a handle on what they feel. The important thing is you're letting it out." 

"I guess." Shai sank back onto the cot, leaning forward and bracing her forearms on her thighs. 

"It will all sort itself out." Dorian's hand was warm and firm on her shoulder. She reached up and briefly covered it with her own, giving it a squeeze. She hoped he was right. 

+++++++

_Inquisitor,_

_I was able to determine that the primary supply of red lyrium is coming from a quarry near Sahrnia in Emprise du Lion. That should be our next target._

_Commander Cullen_

Shai's hands burned hot and she watched the missive catch fire, flames licking out from her fingers where they clenched the parchment. 

"Uh...Boss?" 

"Not now, Bull."

"We're in a pretty flammable forest." 

"I said not now!" The missive disintegrated into ashes that filtered through her hands. Shai was left with sooty palms and she stared at them for a few seconds, breathing heavily, before wiping them on her breeches. That was it? That was all he could think to say?! At least she'd written a paragraph before crossing the majority of it out! He'd written two sentences with no mistakes, no slashes through other words, just two, very to the point, sentences!

"Maybe we should take a break?" Bull suggested lowly, evidently speaking to Solas, Sera, or Dorian. Probably all three of them. Probably one step away from asking if the Inquisitor needed to be restrained for her own good. 

"Let's keep moving," Shai snapped, fingers curling into fists. "There's still the Villa Maurel to take care of." She stormed past the pile of ash that had been Cullen's missive a minute ago. She knew she shouldn't have read it until she was alone. But when it had come in right as they'd left camp she snatched it from the delivery raven and stuffed it in her belt, prepared to read it once there was a moment of peace and she had found one after they annihilated the most recent hideout of Freemen. 

"Uh, Boss?"

"What is it now?" She whirled, feeling a trifle bad when the big Qunari took a step back as if she actually posed a threat. Her teeth were clenched and she was sure her eyes were wild with anger. She felt lightning crackling in her blood. 

"The Villa is that way according to the map." Bull raised a giant hand and pointed in the _opposite_ direction of where she'd been heading. 

"Oh." Shai straightened from the slightly hunched, ready to lunge position she'd fallen into. "Right." 

She led the way in the _correct_ direction, making sure to stay far enough ahead of her team that no one tried to fall into step beside her. She needed to think, to plan. First she was going to lure Cullen out of his office. Then when he was turning around stupidly somewhere else in Skyhold, she was going to lock all his office doors. Third, she was going to set fire to the room, starting with his desk where her missive was probably still lying on top of Cullen's "unimportant" pile--

"You know, stomp any harder and you'll go right through the forest floor," Dorian said cheerfully as he caught up to her lengthened strides, ignoring her growl of irritation."I take it the Commander didn't write back a love letter with the way you're acting?"

"He barely wrote back at all," Shai forced through clenched teeth. "Two sentences. Two fucking sentences. At least I had the decency to write half a page before I crossed everything out!" She threw up her hands as her voice rose. A nearby tree of birds took flight. She glared at the creatures.

"Temper, temper," Dorian tutted, but he sounded empathetic. "Perhaps he was...deterred by the fact that you did so?"

"Why?" Shai stopped and whirled to face the Tevinter. "Why would he be? He could clearly see I wrote stuff down--"

"--And then apparently thought better of it," Dorian countered. "He could've surmised you changed your mind about sending a more personal report."

"That's ridiculous," Shai snorted, but she felt a niggling sense of doubt her friend was right. Now that she thought about it, getting a letter with most of the sentences crossed out--especially more personal sentences--could be a deterrent to respond with any sort of lengthy diatribe. But still! He could damn well read the words she'd carelessly slashed through! He could see she'd at least tried to make conversation and then evidently thought he wouldn't care for it...couldn't he?

"Ugh," she bemoaned, starting to walk again.

"I don't claim to be an expert in the field of relationships--"

"--I don't think not being an expert in something has ever stopped you from giving your opinion."

"Quite right. As I was saying, I'm not an expert in relationship woes but it sounds like you and our illustrious Commander should lock yourselves in a room and, how you say, come to terms with this... _rift_ between you."  

"That won't work," she replied automatically.

"Good Maker, why ever not? You'll either end up shouting it out or in bed getting it out in a different way."

Shai didn't need to look at Dorian to know he was wiggling his eyebrows. She sighed, face drawing into a frown. "I'd have to ambush him for that to work. Catch him off guard so he doesn't get a chance to organize his thoughts and throw up walls."

"Wonderful. Sounds like you have your solution!"

"Gee, thanks. I'm sure it'll be _exactly_ that easy." Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

"You're very welcome," Dorian replied, choosing to ignore her tone. Then he reached for her arm and gave it a light squeeze. "You have some time to think about how to do it before we arrive back at Skyhold at least."

"Yeah, that's the problem." She ran her hand through her hair, realizing she hadn't noticed how long it had grown. "I don't want to sit here and think about it every minute. I want to be home and get it over with. I can't focus on anything but what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he's coming up with how to end things once we do get back...its fucking awful."

They fell silent as they walked. Vaguely Shai registered Sera mocking Solas in the background, no doubt a reaction to some tidbit he'd thrown out about a tree that no one else but he knew the origins of.

"You don't think that maybe he's feeling the same way?" Dorian finally asked. "That he's wondering whether you're going to come back and end things? Have you thought about his side of that at all?"

She made some dissonant noise, frown deepening because she actually _hadn't_  really stopped to consider that Cullen could be having the same doubts about her wanting to continue their relationship as she was having about him.

"I'll take that as a no," Dorian drawled. Shai didn't deign to reply. They completed the journey to the Villa Maurel in silence, taking care of occasional patrols of Freemen they encountered, though most of the enemies fled rather than tangle with the Inquisitor hell bent on bloodshed.

At the Villa, while her team fought hard, Shai poured her emotions into her spells, casting more powerful versions that obliterated her enemies, reducing them to ash that floated away swiftly on the wind. She fade stepped constantly, never staying in one spot for long, intent on making the Freemen chase her then circling and attacking from their flanks.

She caught the Freemen leader, a rogue known as Maliphant, inside a static cage and smashed him back to the center of it with her stonefist spell whenever he came too close to the cage's edges. Not that the cage would have failed but there was something satisfying in smacking her enemy around. When the last of them lay dead and she was wiping the sweat from her brow, Bull gave a low whistle. 

"Remind me never to get on your bad side." He eyed the charred grass, the surrounding marble pillars and walls blackened with soot from Shai's fire and lightning.

"Quite," Solas agreed, returning his staff to his back. "That would clearly be most unfortunate."

"You got control of all that, yeah?" Sera asked warily, eyes narrowed. " 'Cuz if you barbecue me--"

"--I know where I'm casting, thanks for the confidence," Shai interrupted, more than a little embarrassed at her clear loss of finesse.

Yes, she normally fought to be the last thing standing, delighting in the devastating chains of explosions she could trigger. But she didn't normally let her spells spread from her enemies to the surroundings. She'd seen firsthand what happened when a Mage lost control of their faculties and she was always conscious of keeping her magic from spiraling out of hand. This battle had been a little too close to that for comfort. She made a mental note to reign it in in the next encounter.

"Should we return and let Messere Fairbanks know that he and his men should be safe, now?" Dorian asked.

Shai cracked her neck then nodded. All the Freemen leaders were dead: Sister Costeau, Chevalier Auguste, Commander Duhaime (a massive cluster of steel armor that Bull had very much enjoyed striking down), and now Maliphant. With no commanders the Freemen would hopefully scatter, what was left of them anyways. 

They trekked back to Fairbanks' hideaway, lifting a hand in salutation to the guards stationed along the pathway leading to the inner sanctum. 

"You 'ave returned," the leader of the Orlesian refugees greeted them, reaching out to clasp Shai's forearm. She returned the greeting. 

"The leaders of the Freemen are dead." 

"Tres bien! That is most wonderful news. I trust you 'ave all your bits and pieces still attached?" Fairbanks grinned. 

"All accounted for," Shai confirmed, her lips twitching into a smile. "They weren't easy bastards to put down, though, that's for sure."

"Rarely is the art of warcraft ever an easy thing. Come, you must be tired and hungry. I would be honored if the Inquisitor would share supper with us."

"Thank you," Shai began, dipping her head in a slight bow, "But we must return to our camp. The situation with the red Templars demands our immediate attention but I must thank you for providing the link between the Freemen and them."

"Think nothing of it." Fairbanks waved a hand dismissively. "We help you, you help us. It is a circle of goodwill."

"I do have something else," Shai tacked on. "If we could speak privately?"

"But of course." Fairbanks courteously gestured for her to proceed him a short ways away from the others although his eyes darkened. "What is it you have for me?"

"One of your people...Clara...she..." Shai drew her bottom lip between her teeth, trying to go about this tactfully. The blonde haired girl had beckoned her aside when they'd first met Fairbanks, revealing she believed their leader to be of noble birth. Intrigued, Shai had ruminated on such a claim. What kind of noble, especially an _Orlesian_ one, abandoned their life to come lead a team of refugees in some dense forest? 

"I know what she has told you," Fairbanks conceded, mouth twisting down at the corners. "I know what she suspects, and she is right in her assumptions but I want no part of that life. Nobility is its own cage. All the customs, the rules, the appearances...it is enough to make one sick!" 

"Believe me," Shai said drily, "I know." She thought back to her own childhood, her own grooming for marriage to a high ranking Lord, her time at the Winter Palace watching the rich titter away over inconsequential matters. "I won't say anything." 

The relief that swept over Fairbanks' face was immediate. "Thank you. Clara is young and idealistic. She doesn't understand the ways of nobility. I know she thinks that it is power and prestige and more resources for us. But I fear my noble birth would bury us instead." 

"Its your secret to do with as you please." Shai spread her hands, palms up in a "go ahead" gesture.

"Again, thank you for this and for disposing of the Freemen. Perhaps with them gone we can find a proper home; Argon's Lodge was always well situated. And please, whatever the Inquisition might need that I could help it with, don't hesitate to ask. A favor for a favor." Fairbanks extended his hand again, dark eyes never leaving Shai's own.

"Thank you." They clasped arms in farewell. 


	64. Rêver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you guys just love how I make promises and then break them? So here's the chapter I tried to promise would be up before Monday night now going up before Tuesday night and there will be a regular update on Sunday.

Cullen stood behind his desk, mindlessly sorting papers into different piles. He rubbed at his neck, trying to assuage a crick that seemed to have permanently lodged itself there. The fingers of a growing headache had already begun stretching themselves behind his eyes and he wanted to power through as much work as he could before the pain made him weak with nausea and he'd have to lay down with a cool rag over his eyes.

It had been a little over two weeks since Shai sent a second missive from the Graves stating that she and her team were pushing on to Emprise du Lion. Cullen had almost, _almost_ , written back asking her to wait for him to send reinforcements since he knew she was intending to tackle Sahrnia and they couldn't know how many red Templars were inside. But he'd stayed his hand, figuring after her missive of multiple crossed out words, a missive so blackened with ink it was hard to read, that she wouldn't appreciate any of his advice. So he'd let her go...and he was paying the price for it now. 

He was worried. Actually, worried was an understatement. Shai was a capable Mage if he'd ever seen one, a force of nature on the battlefield more like, but she was still mortal, she was still human. A blade or an arrow or even a spell could easily dispatch her and the Templars would sure as hell fight like the dirty rats they were. He wished he'd written back to her with more than those two clipped lines of dictation. Maker, he wished he'd answered to some of the things she'd crossed out, made it clear he appreciated her writing to him and actually _writing_ , not just scribbling out something he should know as Commander.

He missed her. Bottom line. He missed her and he wanted her back. Now he feared, when she did come back, she'd be angry with him, put off by his brisk tone. The horrors of that night he'd attacked her felt years in the past. They'd eaten him alive for weeks after Shai had left for the Graves and he'd gotten little to no sleep in that time, forgetting to eat more than usual, walking about Skyhold looking like a man who had dragged himself back from the pits of the Void.

And of course, _of course_ , he'd attracted the attentions of the Seeker with all his moping and Cassandra had landed on him with both feet.

"What in the world is going on?" She'd cornered him in the armory, waving out all the workers.    

"Nothing." He'd tried to dodge but lying had never been his strong suit and she'd gotten the story out in agonizingly slow bits and pieces. 

"Cullen," she'd said in that understanding voice and he'd dropped his sword he was working on shining, planting both hands on a table and digging his fingers into the wood. He didn't deserve understanding. But the Seeker, Maker bless her, hadn't been keen to join him in his pit of self loathing and she'd pulled him out of it, short of smacking him about the head until he gave her the answer she wanted."You need to talk to her when she returns. Both of you need to talk." 

He couldn't agree more, didn't have the option not to after the verbal smack down the Seeker gave him. So now here he was in his office, trying to keep himself busy so he didn't just sit in his chair and stare at the wall and think of all the things that could go wrong both in Sharnia and when Shai returned--

His office door slammed open, a recruit the culprit of the wood hitting the stone so hard it sounded apt to shatter. Cullen couldn't help the low growl that started in his throat.

"Ser!"

"What is it?" Cullen snapped. "And how many times do I have to tell all of you to--"

"--It's the Inquisitor's horse, Ser."

"What's it done recruit? Last time I checked it was far away in Emprise du Lion. If its having some sort of ailment on the road then Master Dennett is the one you should be seeking." 

He heard the recruit swallow and looked up. The young man was pale and sweating, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. Cullen felt his hand lower to his desk, the paper he'd been holding sliding out of it.

"What about the Inquisitor's horse," Cullen prompted, a cold feeling of dread settling in his stomach. 

The recruit cleared his throat and dropped his eyes to the floor.  "Scout Harding just now sent a raven. The Inquisitor's horse and those of her companion's came back to the forward camp without them from-" 

Cullen pushed past the recruit, mouth gone dry. He made his way down to the courtyard at a run, eyes bee-lining to the Seeker where she stood with Leliana and Josephine.

"What happened?" He barked, voice climbing a few octaves, hand automatically shooting out for the note Leliana held. She handed it over, face grave.

"Scout Harding writes that the Inquisitor and her party left for Sahrnia at dawn. Their horses came back--alone--an hour later and Harding dispatched her people to find out what happened. Her scouts determined that the Inquisitor has been taken captive by the Templars."

Cullen felt as if the ground was dropping out from beneath him. A dull roaring started in his ears. His tongue felt heavy and laden in his mouth but he made it work.  "My men and I will leave immediately. Leliana, stay in contact with Scout Harding."

The Spymaster nodded, whirling to return to her tower and ravens. 

"I will go with you." The Seeker stepped forward, her face determined. Cullen gave her a brief nod before turning to one of his Lieutenants who had appeared at his elbow.

"Ready the men. We leave as soon as possible."

The journey to Sahrnia felt like it took them only a day even though Cullen knew, subconsciously, that it was at least a three week distance they were attempting to complete on borrowed time. As they neared the forward camp he thanked the Maker for seeing fit to give them wings, to allow his men and he to practically fly over the ground between Skyhold and Emprise du Lion. 

"Commander!" Scout Harding came rushing towards him, face pale beneath her freckles, mouth screwed into a grim line. 

She briefed him that there had been no change in the situation, that the Inquisitor was still presumed alive, and then they were off again. Cullen led the force, riding rigidly at the front, Rook tossing her head beneath his tight handling of her reins. The quarry loomed before them in no time, the ramparts above its wooden gates eerily empty. 

"Steady." Cullen raised a hand and bid his soldiers wait as he surveyed their destination. There was no sign of life anywhere. Odd...very odd...and very bad. "We go on foot! Be on your guards!" 

He knew he couldn't sit and waste time deliberating where all the red Templars had gone too, that they were chipping away minutes of Shai's life the more they hesitated to enter Sahrnia and do anything. But he couldn't, as a Commander, lead his soldiers into a slaughter. He had to take precautions for their lives. If they were all killed then the rescue mission would be all for naught. 

The gates of Sahrnia creaked open. Empty. Deserted. These words flitted through Cullen's mind. Where is everyone? His skin crawled as he led the way into the quarry. There were no red Templars in sight. There were no footprints indicating a hasty abandonment of the quarry or any activity whatsoever. "Steady," he cautioned again, senses whispering that there could be an ambush lying in wait for them. 

Painstakingly slowly he moved them onward, his stomach tied in a knot, his heart in his throat, his brain screaming that he drop all pretenses and rush in there and save Shai before whatever nasty fate the Templars had planned could befall her. Sweat broke out on his spine, a cold sweat that tickled his skin with sinister kisses. His head felt clouded, foggy. He himself felt as if he were suspended in between the earth and the Void. He supposed this feeling of being here but not really must have been what it was like to walk in the Fade.

"Ser!" His Lieutenant put a hand on Cullen's arm, halting his progress. "Look." 

Cullen followed where the Lieutenant was pointing and all the blood left his face. Two hulking red Templars stood on either side of the mouth of a rocky passage. They made no move to intercept the Inquisition's forces. In fact, they looked to be barely breathing as it was. As he watched, the Templars turned and disappeared into the passage, the darkness swallowing them whole. 

Cullen followed, drawn after them almost as if by some invisible thread. He could only catch the barest glimpses of them as he followed, the red lyrium growing from their bodies providing weird spots of crimson light. At last the passage opened and the sunlight blazing down upon the snow of Sharnia was nearly blinding. Cullen blinked stupidly, bringing a hand up to give his eyes some relief. 

"Commander. How nice of you to join us." 

He knew who that voice belonged to even before he focused on Samson standing not ten yards away. The former Templar was waiting with his hands clasped behind his back, his sallow skin stretched tight over the bones of his face. His eyes burned with the red lyrium coursing through him and black stubble covered his jaw. His hair hung limply around his face, freed from the slicked back style it had been in during the assault on Haven. 

Cullen's lip curled. "Samson." 

"So interesting the different paths we took, isn't it? Yet, in the end, perhaps they aren't so different after all. I command the red Templars, you command the Inquisition's forces...that's quite a coincidence." 

"Where is she," Cullen growled, his sword magically in his hand though he didn't remember drawing it. 

"Who?" Samson's eyes widened in comic confusion. 

"You know exactly who." 

"Oh, the Inquisitor? My mistake. Of course that's who you've come for." 

"Where is she?" Cullen took a step forward, feeling the absence of his men at his back. Where were they? 

"Come any closer and she dies," Samson threatened. Cullen stopped, feet rooting to the ground. 

"Where is she," he repeated, fingers tightening on his sword hilt. 

"She's right here." Samson stepped aside to reveal Shai on her knees, arms pinned behind her by two red Templars. 

"Shai." Heedless of Samson's warning, Cullen again advanced. One of the Templars' hand left Shai to retrieve a dagger from his belt and whip it against her throat. Cullen halted, teeth clenching. His heart was beating wildly against his rib cage and he was wondering how the bones hadn't broken yet. Shai's face was a mottle of fresh bruises. Even from his distance he could see one of her eyes was swollen shut. With a jolt he realized she looked exactly the way she had when they'd encountered her in future Redcliffe. His stomach turned over, filling with bile. 

"Let her go," Cullen rasped, throat gone dry. "Let. Her. Go." 

"Sweet on her are you?" Samson asked, retreating to Shai's side where he grasped her chin in one hand and forced her eyes up to his. "Tsk tsk tsk. You're not being a very good Knight-Captain letting your Mage wander around unsupervised."

"Get your hands off her!" Cullen spit, blood boiling. He would rip Samson limb from limb if he so much as harmed one hair on Shai's head. His angered mind didn't stop to wonder what Samson was even doing in Sahrnia as none of his reports or investigations had mentioned that the former Templar was anywhere near the vicinity. 

"Hmm." Samson dropped Shai's face and stepped away. "I take it you'd like her returned and preferably in one piece?" 

"If you so much as--" 

"--Calm yourself. _I'm_ not going to do anything to her." 

Cullen swallowed. Where were his men?? He still didn't feel them behind him and he needed their assistance. Had they been ambushed trying to follow him? Had they been separated from him in his preoccupation? But why had Samson put emphasis on _him_ not doing anything to Shai? 

As if to answer his question, a massive Knight lumbered out of some deeper part of Sahrnia, the monster's massive hands curled into fists at the ends of its burly arms. Its eyes blazed out from the visor of its helmet and its mouth was bared in a snarl. _Oh no..._ Cullen's heart stopped its frantic beating and sunk far into the pits of his stomach. His blood ran cold, his skin prickled, his mouth flooded with the metallic taste of fear. _Oh no, oh no, oh no_. 

Samson held out his hand and a Mage's staff-- _Shai's_ _staff_ \--was thunked into his waiting grasp. The two red Templars holding Shai's arms abruptly released her and she struggled to her feet. She wavered slightly but kept upright. 

"Here." Samson handed the staff almost courteously to her. She spit at him as she ripped it from him, but he barely flinched. "Defend yourself. If you win, you and your friends go free." He didn't need to state what would happen if she lost.

Cullen watched Shai grip her staff, knuckles turning white. She looked at him, pale green eyes wide with fear and uncertainty. He realized that even in Redcliffe she hadn't looked scared. She'd looked murderous. But now...now she looked as if a feather could knock her over. The wind left his lungs. _Oh Maker this can't be happening. This. Can't. Be. Happening!_   He hadn't had time to talk to her. He hadn't had time to right things with her. 

"Shai," he tried to say but his mouth wouldn't work and not even a strangled noise came out. He felt like he was watching things from very far off. Damnit, where were his men??? He looked over his shoulder, expecting to see Inquisition soldiers but no one was there. In fact, the passage he'd come through was no more. It had...vanished? 

"Commander?" Samson called and Cullen's head whipped around. "You're going to want to watch this. Though I suggest you remain where you are." It was a thinly veiled threat and extreme tension lined Cullen's body as he fought against leaping forward and protecting the Inquisitor, protecting what was his.

Shai looked at her staff as if she'd never seen it before then her gaze flicked up to the monstrous red Templar Knight. Dazedly Cullen realized her opponent carried no visible weapon. Apparently its brute strength was defense enough. There was no "Begin" from Samson or other signal, the Knight just lunged towards Shai, fingers open and ready to close around her.  

She stumbled backwards, boots kicking up clouds of snow as she retreated. She dropped her staff, _dropped_ it, and Cullen's eyes bugged. 

"No!" He yelled and rushed to her defense only he couldn't move. His boots were firmly stuck to the ground no matter how hard he tried to tug his legs up and make them work. 

The Knight roared as its hands closed around thin air. Shai was gone, fade stepping to the other side of the small clearing where she was suddenly in a fight for her life. The Knight spun and made its lumbering way towards its intended victim. A static cage popped into existence but the red Templar cleared the lightning with no problem. A fireball exploded against its shoulder and its upper body twisted to the left but still it came forward. A circle of green appeared beneath its feet and a concussive blast ripped through the air as whatever spell Shai cast detonated. It, like the others before it, was hardly effective.

Shai shot through the air, just a blur of motion, past the Knight. It swung with a roar and its arm connected with her mid fade step. Her spell wavered and she went sprawling into the snow, body skidding through the snow, sending the white substance spraying out around her curled form. She clasped her chest with one arm as she pushed to her hands and knees.

"Shai!" Cullen tried again, lips forming her name but no sound emitting from his throat. "Shai! Shai! Shai!"

The Knight advanced and advanced and advanced. And Shai struggle to stand, then fell, then tried to stand, then fell again. When her feet finally left the ground it was because the Knight had her by the neck with one hand and was pulling her up, up, up until the tips of her boots hung just an inch above the ground. This time when Cullen did try and rush to her aid, his feet cooperated. But it felt as if he were wading through water. He cursed and snarled as he tried to increase his pace but it never quickened. It remained a slow, agonizing, steady rhythm.  

His heartbeat was loud in his ears, drowning out all other sound. His breath was caught in his chest. Terror spiraled out from his center to every part of his body, making his hair stand on end, making his knees weak. His mouth was open on a silent scream of her name. The Knight Captain spun Shai around to face Cullen, her fingers scrabbling at the unrelenting grip around her neck. Her boots kicked uselessly against the Knight. 

Then the monster dropped her, suddenly, and she went down hard, knees smacking the ground with enough force to throw her face down into the snow. She didn't remain there for long. The Knight drew her up with its fingers knotted firmly in the back of her leathers. It released her clothing to instead grab her hair, yanking her head back until her eyes were directed at the sky and Cullen could see the muscles working clearly in her throat as she swallowed. 

His soul left his body as the Knight drew a dagger and dragged the shining blade across Shai's naked throat. 


	65. Return to Skyhold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How tf is it already July???

"Thanks." Shai relinquished Zephyr's reins to Dennett's stable hand, covering a yawn as she did so. Maker, the trip home from Sahrnia had been a long one on top of all the cuts and bruises she'd gotten from clearing the red Templars out of the quarry.

"Will you make it?" A polite voice asked from over her shoulder and Shai turned to Michel de Chevin, the Inquisition's newest recruit. Even in the night his golden hair glowed and his blue eyes shone, catching the moonlight streaming down on Skyhold.

"I'll be fine. Thanks." Shai gave the chevalier a smile and he returned it. He was handsome, very handsome, and she knew that tomorrow when the keep woke to see their newest addition, there were going to be a lot of swooning women...and probably a few swooning men as well. But whenever she looked at his blonde hair, at the stubble gracing a hard jaw, she thought of the other man who shared such attributes, the other man who had held her thoughts captive this entire trip.

"Do you need me to show you to your rooms?" She asked Michel. He shook his head.

"I believe Ser Dorian has already offered. He mentioned that the quarters next to his own are empty."

"Ah." Shai's eyes slipped to the Tevinter who was currently stretching his arms up to the night sky, back bowed as he worked to release the strain gathered in his muscles. "Don't let me keep you, then."

"I will see you tomorrow?"

"Of course. We'll uh need to introduce you to everyone. Cullen--the Commander--will probably make an executive decision that you'll work with him."

"Then I look forward to meeting this Commander Cullen. If he is as upstanding as the Inquisitor, I'm sure we will get along nicely." Michel bowed, blue eyes dancing. Shai gave him a tired smile; if her heart wasn't already taken then Michel's polite flirting would've been a welcome addition to a life otherwise ruled by meetings and who the Inquisition needed to hunt down next.

"All set?" Dorian joined them, eyes half lidded from exhaustion. Over his shoulder Shai could see Sera and Bull waltzing drunkenly towards the tavern and their rooms above it, the elf leaning on the Qunari every other step; no one had gotten very much sleep this excursion. Solas was, as expected, already gone to his rooms.

"All set," Michel agreed, turning to Dorian. "I must thank you again for being so kind as to find me a resting place."

"Oh the pleasures all mine," the Tevinter replied courteously and Shai barely kept from rolling her eyes. She waved to the two men as they disappeared towards Skyhold's side entrance. Then she was alone, the distant sounds of soldier's footfalls as they completed their watch rotations her only company.

She looked at Cullen's tower. No lights. She guessed it wasn't _that_ improbable he'd finally decided to get some rest. But she selfishly wished a candle was still burning in at least one of his windows. Then she wouldn't have thought twice about taking the stairs to his office and interrupting whatever he was doing to get their personal score settled. Call it the blatant disregard that comes with being so numbed by lack of sleep that a mountain could implode beside you and you'd barely give it a second glance.

But clearly Cullen wasn't awake. Clearly he was asleep. And clearly she would have to wait until morning and work up her courage all over again. _All those hours on the road wasted_ , Shai thought acerbically. _All those pep talks, all that planning..._

Her hand was on the handle of the side door into Skyhold proper when her feet planted themselves and she squared her shoulders. No. They were going to get this over with now. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Now, while she was ready and Cullen wasn't. _Yes_ , she thought as a grin spread across her face, _while he isn't in the least bit prepared_. She was across the courtyard and up the stairs to his tower in seconds. When she turned the handle to his door she found it unlocked and slipped into the dark interior of his office.

She paused, wondering for a second whether he was even here, whether maybe he'd retired in the barracks tonight for some odd reason because it was so deathly silent, when faint mumbling came to her ears. Her eyes drifted to Cullen's loft ladder and she scaled it quietly, easing her head through the hole at the top. Cullen was in bed on his back, sheets tangled around his hips, chest bare as it rose and fell in frantic rhythm. 

He twitched from side to side, the bed clothes rustling with the movement.  _He's having another attack_ , she thought immediately and climbed the rest of the way into the loft. She was reaching to wake him when she realized what he was mumbling.

"No...not her...not her...no...don't...please...Shai..."

She jerked as her name fell from his lips. The moonlight coming through the hole in Cullen's roof illuminated the Commander's face: his eyes were screwed shut and his teeth were clenched. Cords stood out in his neck and his fingers were fisted in the bedclothes.

"No," he mumbled again. "No...don't hurt her! Don't...no, not her...please...not her...argh!"

He bolted upright and Shai fell backwards, her arse connecting with the floor hard enough to make her cry out. Cullen was panting raggedly and the moonlight applied a sheen to the sweat adorning his naked torso.

"Maker's breath." The Commander dragged a badly shaking hand over his face.

"Cullen?" Shai whispered, afraid his name would come out as a squeak.

Evidently it didn't for he froze so suddenly and completely he could've been made of stone.  Cullen's hand dropped from his face and he stared at her as if he'd never seen her before. His mouth gaped as his jaw slackened and she heard him inhale sharply. His head started to shake back and forth slowly, eyes never leaving her.

"Is it really you?" Cullen whispered, a shudder running the length of his body. "Can it really be you?"

"Yeah," Shai said, swallowing. "It's me."

She wasn't prepared for how fast he moved. He was out of bed and across the space between them in seconds, sweeping her into his arms before she could blink. The breath left her lungs in a giant whoosh as he crushed her to his chest, his heart beating out a painfully hard rhythm between them. His face settled in the crook of her neck and he exhaled, breath hot on her skin.

"I thought it was real," he muttered. "It _felt_ so real."

"What?" She managed, voice a little strangled. "What did?"

Cullen seemed to realize he was squeezing her past the point of comfort and dropped her as suddenly as he'd grabbed her, taking a step backwards. His eyes ran over her from the top of her head to the dusty tips of her boots. He completed the circuit multiple times as if he couldn't be sure she was really physically in front of him. One hand stretched out between them, his shaking fingers barely grazing her cheek. The touch was gone before she could really feel it, his hand dropping back to his side.

"Maker's breath."

"Cullen?" Shai asked, stepping forward. "What was real?"

"You died," he rasped, head starting to shake back and forth again. "You died. I watched you die."

Instantly she felt as if they were back in Redcliffe when Cullen had returned from that dark future where the Inquisition hadn't existed. She thought he'd said the same words to her then.

"I'm not dead," she stated stupidly, raising her arms out from her sides and then letting them fall again. "I'm here."

Silence stretched between them as Cullen continued his staring and Shai shifted nervously from foot to foot. Soon that nervousness turned to irritation and she planted her hands on her hips.

"Cullen."

"Sorry." He ducked his head like a bashful schoolboy. "I didn't mean to stare."

"It's alright." Hesitantly she reached for him, letting her fingertips barely ghost over his bicep. He surprised her when he caught her hand in his, locked eyes with her, then drew her into his embrace again. She shivered as her cheek came to rest on his shoulder. She'd missed this. She'd missed this connection so much. Cullen's hands planted themselves against her back and she felt him rest his own cheek on the top of her head.

For long moments they just held onto each other, bodies swaying slightly, hearts beating together. Shai ran her hands up and down Cullen's back, enjoying the way the muscles twitched under her touch, loving the way the Commander shivered from time to time. Eventually they separated only to be able to look at the other's face.

"You're back safely," Cullen murmured, reaching up as if to brush a strand of hair from her face then thinking better of it and letting his hand drop back to his side.

"I am. We have a new soldier for you."

"Oh?"

"Michel de Chevin. A former champion of Celene's."

"I know the name."

"He's very nice."

"Hmm. Shai...I...I'm sorry for how I acted before...before you left. I didn't--I couldn't fathom you'd want to...to still have anything to do with me after that."

"You should know, before you go any further, I did plan out how to burn down your office depending on what you said to me when I got back."

"You--wait, what--why?!"

"Because. I forgive you. Thats all there is to it. I forgive you and...and there's truly nothing to forgive but if you need to hear it then I'll say it. I forgive you Cullen, for everything that happened. And I don't--"  She broke off, gaze falling to the floor. How was she going to make it all better with words?  "I don't want to go our separate ways. I don't want you to think I'm scared of you because I'm not."

"Your missive--" Cullen began.

"I didn't know what to say." Shai drew her bottom lip between her teeth. "I didn't know if you wanted to hear from me--"

"Why wouldn't I want to hear from you?"

"Because...because of what happened. I didn't want to make things worse if you... if you'd decided you didn't want me anymore." Shai's voice trailed off until it finished on an almost whisper.

"Maker--why wouldn't I want you anymore?" 

"Cullen, I don't know!" She confessed sharply, reaching to scratch irritably at the back of her neck. "I'm not good with any of this emotional stuff. All I know is we ended on a bad note and I left and I couldn't exactly write you and have some long drawn out heart to heart when the letters could be screened by anyone in the Inquisition." She huffed, crossing her arms. 

"In my dream," Cullen began softly after a minute had passed, "You went to Sahrnia and you...you were captured. They killed you in front of me"--he swallowed-- "I've never felt that scared in my life. It felt so real...it all _looked_ so real. Maker's breath. I thought you were gone. I genuinely thought you were gone and...and I couldn't stand it. Not for a minute." His golden eyes bored into her own and Shai felt herself melting, felt her throat closing up as her chest constricted. "You said you aren't afraid of me...you said you were going to... _burn_ my office down if I said the wrong thing...does that mean that you still want me? Still want this?" 

"Yes," Shai answered, curling her fingers into her palms, refusing her urge to reach out and touch him because she needed to know what he was thinking first. "Do you...do you still want me? Do you still want this? Even after what happened?" 

"Maker yes," Cullen breathed, eyes twin pools of feeling. "I want you. As selfish as that is."

"Then _be_ selfish..." Shai tipped her chin up so she could meet his gaze fully. "You're not going to wake up tomorrow and decide that you're too dangerous for me or that you made a mistake?" 

"No." 

"You're not going to think I don't understand what I'm getting myself into or push me away 'for my own good'?"

"No. Not if you're positive this is what you want." 

"It is. You are."

"I don't know what I've done to deserve you," Cullen murmured, reaching out to entwine his fingers gently with hers. 

"Well, you could ponder that in bed?" 

His eyebrows rose and she snorted softly. "No, not like that. At least not tonight. I don't think I'd be much good"--Shai yawned--"much good to you," she finished with a sheepish smile. Cullen's lips quirked into a crooked grin and he drew her to him. 

"I think I can satisfy myself with just holding you. But you aren't planning on sleeping in your leathers are you?" 

"Oh, right." Shai went to work on her dusty clothes, dropping them in a heap about her as each layer came off, resolving to pick them up tomorrow. At last she was just in her breast band, smalls, and over shirt. She raised an arm and sniffed the latter disdainfully, wrinkling her nose at the odor.  "Ugh. Maybe I should go bathe first." 

"Here." Cullen released her to snag a spare shirt off a chair in the corner of his room. He held it out to her, an almost sheepish expression on his face. "You could sleep in mine?" 

Shai stripped off her own shirt and subsequently shucked her breast band before taking the proffered garment from Cullen. She noted the heat in his eyes as he pretended not to look at her nakedness, but stole a peek nonetheless. His scent engulfed her as she donned his shirt and it caused a shiver to race down her spine. 

"To bed?" He asked. 

"To bed." She crawled into the center of said object, failing to contain a satisfied groan at the feeling of a proper mattress and blankets that didn't smell like the horses they'd been tied to during the journey. She nestled gratefully into a pillow, eyes already starting to drift shut. The mattress dipped as Cullen slid in beside her and his arm snaked around her waist, pulling her back to his front. 

She wiggled her hips as she situated herself to the contours of his body and the arm around her tightened as her arse rubbed aginst Cullen's crotch. 

"Sorry," she muttered as she finally got situated. His fingers brushed against the bare skin of her stomach where his shirt rode up and she inhaled swiftly.

"No harm done," he chuckled lowly behind her, taking care to brush her bare skin again before dropping his hand away. "I'm...I'm glad you're back safely. I missed you." 

"I missed you too," she replied, face splitting in a wide grin. Call it a sixth sense, intuition, foresight; she felt like the worst of it was behind them.  


	66. Here We are Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little NSFW

"Commander? Commander Cullen?"

"What?!" Cullen's voice was a harsh snap and Shai buried her face in the pillow, stifling her laughter. Cullen's hair stood up on end all over his head in randomized tufts; he looked like an angry porcupine awoken from its burrow.

"Um reports for you S-s-ser," came the cautious voice of the scout below in Cullen's office.

"Leave them on the desk," the Commander ordered, his tone hardly improved.

"Yes Ser," the scout agreed speedily and it wasn't long before Shai heard the door to Cullen's tower open and close.

The snort she let loose she didn't bother to smother in the bedclothes and Cullen looked to her with a slight frown. But a smile played around his lips and he was clearly working to keep it from manifesting.

"Something amusing, Inquisitor?"

"Not at all, Commander."

She let loose a tiny squeal when Cullen suddenly rolled atop her, his warm weight at once arousing and comforting. Morning sunlight streamed through the hole in his roof, turning his loft into a golden refuge. 

"Oh I think you're lying to me," he murmured into her neck as he nuzzled her. She was on the cusp of a reply but her voice left her in a breathy moan when his mouth opened against her skin and his teeth plucked lightly at her, the bite soothed instantly by his tongue.

"The truth...swear..."

Shai's hands settled on his shoulders and slid down his back, touching every muscle within her reach. She loved the way Cullen shivered beneath her ministrations, relished the way his own moan left him when she drug her nails against him lightly. 

"Tell me," he rasped, rubbing his stubble against her as he kissed his way up to her ear. He gripped the lobe gently between his teeth and his tongue traced the edge of it. Shai's eyes fluttered closed at the contact and she found her legs rising to wrap around Cullen's hips. He rubbed the length of his body against hers and she practically purred with contentment.

"You're still keeping things from me," Cullen reminded with a gentle bite to her earlobe.

"Nothing of interest, trust me," she gasped out when he ground his hips against hers and she felt the beginnings of his arousal.

"I should have you know, My Lady," he murmured. "I have the patience to wait you out."

"Who says I'd ever confess?" Shai arched her neck as Cullen's lips traversed down it. "I can be stubborn too."

"I have other methods," he continued.

"Oh yeah? And what would those be?"

"Persuasion," Cullen said simply before his mouth opened fully against her skin and he laved her with kiss after scorching kiss. 

By the time he worked his way down to her stomach, Shai's breaths were coming in short, undignified pants. They didn't improve when Cullen's own breaths ghosted over that part of her that was wetting immensely for him. She was unsure if he was really about to do this for a second and it seemed like he was contemplating it as well, but then strong hands were pulling her smalls from her, spreading her thighs to settle on either side of his head, and she was bared to the Commander's hungry gaze. 

His tongue dipped through her folds in the next instant and she arched, simultaneously letting loose a harsh curse. She felt Cullen pull away and struggled onto her elbows to look at him. He seemed surprised, golden eyes a tad too wide.

"Did I do something wrong?" He asked honestly and a light laugh escaped her.

"No. Nothing wrong. Not at all."

"Oh," he said and then his lips quirked into a saucy grin. "So...shall I continue?"

"Maker, yes."

Cullen dropped back between her thighs and when his mouth touched her for the second time she threaded her fingers through his hair and held on tight. His tongue caressed her folds, suckling at her most intimate of lips. When he brushed her clitoris she moaned and he did it again and then a third time, garnering more enthusiastic responses. Finally he set himself into a rhythm of sucking and licking, dividing his time between the little nub that sent shockwaves through her body and the rest of her sex.

"Come here," she managed to force out, tugging Cullen's hair to emphasize her words. He gave her a final kiss before crawling up her body, pressing his lips to little patches of skin here and there.

"I wasn't done," he complained when they were eye to eye.

"Don't care. Need you now." Shai felt the Commander's length rub against her stomach and she hummed low in her throat.

His mouth captured hers and she tasted her desire upon his lips. One of her hands drifted down to the top of Cullen's breeches, freeing his cock. She maneuvered it to her sex and, when she felt the tip notch into place, she tilted her hips and Cullen slid into her.

"Fuck," she moaned.

Cullen's forehead dropped against her own and his hands curled into the bedclothes on either side of her head where he braced himself. His hips pulled away and then rejoined her own, settling into a steady rhythm.  Shai writhed beneath him, hitching her legs further and further up the Commander's body. Cullen swore heartily and captured her mouth with his as her knees hooked over his shoulders and he sunk deep into her heat. 

They filled his loft with pants and moans, punctuated by the gentle slap of skin from their lovemaking. When Shai had cried out her ecstasy into Cullen's shoulder and he had groaned his fulfillment into her neck, they lay together, bodies slicked with sweat, heartbeats returning to normal. Cullen's head rested between her breasts, cheek pressed to her sternum. 

Shai idly stroked through his hair down to the nape of his neck and back up again. His tresses really were _very_ curly in the morning before he did whatever it was he did to slick them back. She relished running them between her fingers, twirling them gently, mussing them up further.    

"That feels good," Cullen rumbled, his breath blowing across her bare breast and making her shiver. He gave a soft groan at the next circuit of her fingers and she smiled. This morning was shaping up to be a lazy one spent in mutual contentment. But it couldn't last. They'd both need to get up soon. He had his troops and she had a meeting, no doubt. Which reminded her... 

"Shit," she sighed. 

"What?" 

"Josephine's probably asking Sophie to wake me up and I'm not there." 

Cullen propped himself on his elbows so he could meet her eyes. "There are a finite number of places around Skyhold you could be this early in the morning." 

"One is my room, two would be the kitchens--don't laugh," she scolded when he made an amused noise at her admittance of her appetite. "And three would be here," she finished, drawing her fingers lazily over his left bicep. 

"So you're saying Sophie will check your room, find it empty, check the kitchens, find those empty as well then come straight here?" His eyebrow rose in skepticism. 

"Either Sophie or a scout--" 

Three rapid knocks came from down below in Cullen's office, and then the door opened. "In--ahem--Inquisitor? Ambassador Montilyet requests your presence in the war room presently." 

"See?" Shai grumbled. Then loudly to the scout, "Alright, tell her I'm coming." 

There was the slightest pregnant pause after her sentence as if the scout hadn't been convinced they would find the Inquisitor with the Commander (in bed together no less), and then the door clicked shut again. 

"Secrets out," she joked and Cullen snorted. 

"I daresay, if we had managed to hide it until now I'd be sorely pleased with us." 

"At least we hid it when it counted." 

"Such as?" 

"That first night in the war room?" Shai watched Cullen's eyes un-focus as he remembered, and then a smirk stole over his features. 

"That would have been...most unfortunate to be caught in such a situation." 

"Literally with our pants down." Shai gently smacked his arm. "Ok. I've gotta get dressed." 

Cullen rolled off her with a groan of protestation. He settled himself against the headboard, drawing one leg up to rest his arm upon as he watched her scurry about for her clothes. "You know, I rather like seeing your things all over my room." 

"Do you?" Shai straightened with her dirty shirt in hand. She sniffed at it again, nose wrinkling at how the odor had managed to intensify overnight. Maybe if she jogged back to her rooms she'd be able to find a clean tunic and then make the meeting on time. Otherwise she was likely to gas poor Josephine to death with the acrid smell of sweat and unwashed body that clung to her traveling shirt. 

"Just wear mine," Cullen tossed out and then promptly coughed. "I mean, only if you want to. I--I have another one for me. You don't have to wear it, not by any means. Just a suggestion since, well, since you're running late as it is and would have to return to your chambers first. Of course, that probably wouldn't take you very long to do--" 

"Mmm, impeccable solution, Commander." Shai ducked her head to hide the way she was grinning stupidly at how Cullen's face lit up from her agreement. She was fully dressed within minutes, her dirty shirt and leathers balled up in a bundle. She wore only her breeches, boots, and Cullen's shirt, but they would do for such an early meeting. "How do I look?" She asked coquettishly, trying to execute a dainty twirl but losing her balance and falling out of it halfway through. 

"Like I like you in my clothes," Cullen murmured, his eyes heating the space between them. Shai ran her tongue over her bottom lip and debated staying in bed and skipping the meeting. Josephine would be put out but it would surely be worth it. But she knew Cullen wouldn't let her do such a thing, not when he wasn't going to be lounging around for much longer. In fact, he was already sliding out of bed, stretching and yawning. 

"I'll see you later on?" Shai asked. 

Cullen nodded and crossed to her, pulling her into his arms, dirty clothes bundle and all. "Later," he agreed, pressing a kiss to her mouth. 

Her body curved into his and she hummed. He curved one hand around her cheek, thumb sweeping over her skin as he deepened their kiss before pulling away.

"Its good your home," he said again, face open, golden eyes filled with warmth. 


	67. Now What

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for a short chapter but I am thoroughly distracted by the GOT premier tonight so I will be adding more next week! Also I start my first big girl job tomorrow so fingers crossed I succeed

"So." Shai looked to her three advisors. "So," she repeated, clapping her hands then wincing at the loudness in the otherwise silent war room. No one else flinched, though; probably a testimony to how bone deep exhausted they all were. She'd been back from Emprise du Lion for two weeks now. Michel had settled in with the Inquisition's soldiers, chivalrously lending his expertise and knowledge to whomever asked--and that smaller bunch who didn't. But clearing the red Templars from Sahrnia had only caused business to double time.  

They were a hairsbreadth away from taking down Samson. Dagna--a little too gleefully in Josephine's opinion--had investigated further Cullen's hunch that the key to destroying the leader of the corrupted Templars was to destroy his armor. The pint sized arcanist had quickly set to work and produced crucial results. Consequently there was a war meeting called about what to do next, a war meeting that felt like it should have concluded about six hours ago.

But it had lumbered on because once it was volunteered by Cullen that a Mage named Maddox would be a lead to Samson, followed with the Inquisition--of course--pursuing the former Templar (once they had a definite location), they had to put their heads together to try and figure out Corypheus' migration to the Arbor Wilds. It was this latter item that had caused them to remain sequestered as the sun outside the war room windows dipped in the sky, taking the day with it.

Now when Shai looked over the heads of her advisors, she could see moonlight and stars. Her gaze switched back to the three people who had been her counsel for the entirety of this crazy, not-yet-over journey. Josephine's eyes, normally so bright and alert, were heavy lidded with exhaustion. Strands of hair curled around her face, escaped from the chignon she always kept her hair meticulously fashioned into. Leliana still looked sharp but the sharpness was tinged with exhaustion. She'd foregone clasping her hands behind her back to plant them on the war table instead, leaning her weight onto them as if her legs couldn't handle it on their own anymore.

And Cullen...Shai felt her heart clench up when she looked at the Commander. He was like a dead man walking. The lyrium withdrawal had been rearing the worst of its ugly head lately and he was disrupted by nightmares almost every night. She knew because she was the one who woke to his thrashing and muffled cries--once to a hair raising scream that had sent her bolting out of bed, lightning snapping between her fingers, thinking they were under attack.

He'd shed his armor as if all the plate was too heavy for his body under current conditions and he'd drug a chair over from where it usually rested in a corner, straddling it and resting his arms along its back. His face was drawn, bruised circles under his eyes. He yawned often and his gaze became unfocused more than once. Twice they'd stopped to inquire about his well being. He'd waved them off, saying it was just a headache, which fooled no one but they let it go.

"What could Corypheus possibly want in the Arbor Wilds?" Leliana asked the question of the century once more, eyes focusing on the dense patch on the map that was said place.

"If we knew we'd already be in bed," Shai sighed wearily. She raised her fingers to her temples, massaging them lightly. She saw Cullen watching her with obvious concern. "Maybe he's found something else he wants to excavate," Shai hypothesized. She drifted around the war table almost unconsciously. "Maybe he found another den of red lyrium since we sacked the one in Sahrnia." She stopped behind Cullen, hands settling on his shoulders before her fingers began to knead the tense muscles through his shirt. He gave a quiet groan and leaned into her touch. "And maybe its ten times worse than all of that. Knowing him, it probably is."

Cullen's forehead thunked lightly against his folded forearms as Shai massaged his shoulders. Silence fell in the war room and it took her a minute to realize it wasn't speculative silence over their favorite God-Magister's newest plan. Josephine was regarding her and the Commander with ill concealed glee, like a child reading their favorite fairy tale, and Leliana was smirking, but kindly--if there was a way to do such a thing.

"Whatever it is," Cullen said, lifting his head. He ignored the glances of his two contemporaries. "We need to get there and stop it."

"I believe I might be of some assistance in that matter."

Everyone's head jerked up. Morrigan stood in the doorway, golden eyes shining. She sauntered across the floor until she was standing on the other side of the table from them.

"This is a private meeting." Leliana's voice was cold and sounded as if it came through clenched teeth. Shai chanced a look and saw that it very much did. "You shouldn't be in here."

"Forgive the intrusion, Inquisitor," Morrigan said with a slight bow. "But what Corypheus seeks in those forgotten woods is as ancient as it is dangerous." 

"Wonderful," Shai huffed. "What is it?" 

" 'Tis best...if I show you." Morrigan gestured to the door. 

Shai frowned, looking to Leliana and Josephine. Beneath her hands, Cullen had stiffened.

"What do you mean...show me?" 

"Exactly that."

"Surely it should be shown to the rest of us as well?" Leliana's hands once more found their way behind her back. She glared imperiously at Morrigan. Shai raised an eyebrow as she watched the clear power play between them.

Morrigan made a dismissive gesture. "If you wish."

She lead them from the war room through the quietness of Skyhold. Finally they entered a room, unlit besides the moonlight spilling in through the grand windows at the far end. And between the windows was a--

"What is that?" Shai asked, eyes roaming over the elongated pentagon. A swirling mess of silver and white was encased by a gold frame. The colors shifted continuously, making the thing look... _alive_.

"This is an eluvian," Morrigan declared. She walked towards the object until she was only a few feet from it. "An elven artifact, from a time long before their empire was lost to human greed. I restored this one at great cost. But another lies within the Arbor Wilds. _That_ is what Corypheus seeks."

Cullen's hand found its way onto the small of Shai's back and she felt his fingers curve around her side as if to hold her in place. "You brought a portal into Skyhold? Right into the midst of the Inquisition?!"

"I must admit I am surprised you recognize what such a thing is, Commander," Morrigan said. "But I assure you, Corypheus cannot travel through it."

"Still." Cullen's grip tightened upon Shai and he tugged her a little closer. Morrigan's gaze tracked the interaction amusedly. "What if something else can?"

"Don't be unreasonable," Morrigan scoffed.

 _Oh good Maker, here we go_ , Shai thought.

"I am more than happy to explain how the eluvian works using words with less than four syllables, if you'd like." 

"The Circle had a library, thank you very little," Cullen snapped. "I'm fairly well-read...and I'm _not_ unreasonable."

Shai stepped out of the Commander's grasp and towards Celene's former occult advisor. "Alright, so what does it do?"

Morrigan nodded and turned to the eluvian. She swept her arms at it and the silver and white exploded in a burst of blue light. Shai squinted against the sudden brightness. 

"A more appropriate question would be, 'Where does it lead?' "

Without further ado, Morrigan stepped through the eluvian. Shai blinked stupidly at the spot where Morrigan had just been standing, then turned to her advisors. Like Cullen, she'd made use of the Circle's library--at times--when she was still in Ostwick. She'd come across the term "eluvian" but hadn't bothered reading much past the first paragraph of description. Thusly, she was as in the dark as everyone else--save, maybe Cullen--seemed to be. 

"Alright?" She asked, looking from Josephine to Leliana to the Commander. The latter's jaw was clenched and he looked wary; one could hardly blame him.

"If you don't mind, I believe I'll sit this one out," Josephine said, tucking a strand of escaped hair behind her ear. "I'm sure you will bring back a detailed report."

"Leliana?"

"I trust Morrigan not to spontaneously kill you," the Spymaster mused drily.

"Cul--"

"I'm with you," he interrupted before Shai could even get his name out. She tried to smile reassuringly but it came out as more a grimace. She wasn't exactly frightened by the eluvian, but she was...curious about its properties.

"Ok then." Shai turned and followed Morrigan through the eluvian.  


	68. Before the Dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Scuse the unannounced 2 week hiatus. I just needed a break from this story to get my marbles back together.

"You know"--pant--"I am"--pant--" _really_ "--grunt--"fucking sick"--thump--"of magic--ahhhh. And that's coming from me." 

Cullen snorted as he first watched Shai climb the ladder to his loft (well, watched her backside--he was a weak man sometimes), then listened to her flop upon his bed. He heard her boots hit the floor as she kicked them off, then the bedclothes rustled as she presumably nestled into them. She always did such a thing, restlessly rolling around until she was in the perfect position, which was usually nearly on top of him. But he hardly minded it.

"Are you coming?" Shai called down and Cullen roused himself. He'd stopped with one hand and one foot on his ladder. He began to climb, his armor making the process a little slow as it always did. When he reached his loft he saw that Shai was face down on the bed, feet dangling off the edge as she'd hardly bothered to climb all the way onto it. He could hardly blame her exhaustion. 

The trip through the eluvian had been oddly draining. At first Cullen had thought the reason he felt so lethargic and disconnected from his body was because he was a non-Mage messing around with something clearly of the arcane arts. But then he had seen the same look of discomfort upon Shai's face as they stood with Morrigan in what she'd called "the Crossroads".

Stepping through the magical mirror had been cold, very cold. He didn't know what he'd expected to feel but it hadn't been the frigidness that surged over him. Then that feeling had been gone and the air became mild. Mist had swirled around them but there had been no wind causing it to behave in such a way and watching the tendrils of white snake past their bodies was disconcerting. Cullen had instinctively moved closer to Shai as if all his warrior training would be enough to protect both of them; if something had gone wrong within the eluvian, it would've been up to Morrigan and Shai to deal with it. 

But the information they'd learned was invaluable: Corypheus was looking for an eluvian to physically enter the Fade and approach the Black City. It was their worst fears confirmed. Yet no one was very surprised that their journey had come to this. Any time they learned something about Corypheus, it was always expected to be worse than the last piece of information they'd gleaned. 

"Coming to bed?"

"Hmm?" Cullen blinked, realized he'd been standing at the mouth of the hatch that opened down onto his office below, then smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I was...thinking."

Shai had rolled over and risen onto her elbows. She smirked. "A dangerous thing."

Cullen chuckled and set to work removing his armor. When all the pieces were properly arranged on his armor stand, he joined his lover in bed. He groaned as his body relaxed into the mattress.

"Enjoy having an actual bed while you can," Shai muttered. "In two days we're on the road."

"To the Shrine of Dumat..." Cullen wasn't looking forward to the trip. What feelers he'd put out to locate where Samson was after Shai returned from Sahrnia had come back to him unexpectedly fast. In fact he, Shai, and Morrigan had just stepped from the eluvian when the news came that Samson's whereabouts had been found. Naturally, they were leaving as soon as possible to prevent the trail from going cold.

"Just once I wish some of these guys would choose to hole up on a beach. A nice sunny beach, out in the open. No more of these dank sounding holes that probably have loads more spiders and only Maker knows what else in them."

"Not enjoying the finer things Thedas has to offer?" Cullen teased. Shai snorted.

"Do you know I've developed arachnophobia? Yeah, no, I'm serious. I've always hated them but now? I see one tiny spider in my room and I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack."

"That does sound serious." Cullen's eyes drifted shut and he brought his index finger and thumb to the bridge of his nose. He massaged the skin and bone there leisurely, feeling his thoughts tumble violently over each other. They knew where Samson was. They had him. One trip to the far north of Val Royeaux and they'd strip away Corypheus' general. It made his blood thrum with anticipation and his heart beat picked up from the sudden rush of adrenaline through his veins. 

"Do you want some elfroot?' 

"What?" Cullen let his hand fall away and blinked up at Shai. She was leaning over him, a frown marring her brow. 

"Elfroot? I can go get some?" 

"Why?" He asked, his own brow furrowing. 

"Because." Shai lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. "You only do that when you're about to get one of those Maker awful headaches." 

"Huh?" Cullen looked down at his fingers still formed in a pinching shape. "Oh. No, I'm fine. Just...a lot on my mind." 

"Samson's not getting away," Shai said softly but firmly, her pale green eyes searching his own. "We've got him cornered." 

"I hope so. I truly do." 

+++++++

He couldn't see the red lyrium yet...but he knew it was there. He felt it, the malevolent power of the corrupted substance raising the hairs on the back of his neck and making his skin prickle. _It can't be worse than future Redcliffe...can it? Only time will tell_ , he answered himself. Cullen surveyed the Shrine of Dumat's courtyard. Rubble littered the ground and patches of fire burned, releasing acrid smoke that polluted the air. Templar banners were draped over the walls, the Order's insignia leaving a foul taste in his mouth.

"Charming place," Dorian remarked. "Really makes you feel at home. Who wouldn't want to join Corypheus and stay here?"

"Why's it so empty?" The Iron Bull asked. It was the same thing Cullen wondered. The courtyard was too silent, too deserted for a base of operations.

"You don't think he's..." Shai let her sentence trail off, her eyes meeting Cullen's. His jaw tightened.

"Fled? There's only one way to find out." He unsheathed his sword and hefted his shield.  

"Bull, you and Blackwall take point with Cullen. Dorian and I will cover you."

"Just try not to hit me with anything this time," the Qunari rumbled. "You almost singed my left horn the last time we were in the field."

"Aim high, got it," Shai said with a nod.

Their group started forward. Cullen's eyes shifted from side to side. A trickle of sweat ran down the side of his brow. Where was he? Where was Samson? Maker, if they'd spent all this time to get here just to find him gone--

An inhuman roar accosted their ears and Cullen jerked. Red Templar horrors, two of them, came running at full tilt, the red lyrium sprouting from their backs glinting in the sunlight. He steeled himself for impact then watched as the horrors were seized in one of Shai's static cages, bolts of lightning ripping them back when they sought to exit the cage's perimeters. 

A ring of fire exploded beneath the horrors' feet and they howled as their flesh charred. The cage winked out of existence in another few seconds but Cullen didn't give the horrors time to regroup. He was on them instantly, his blade hacking through twisted bodies, shards of red lyrium flying with every swing. Bull and Blackwall were right behind him, the three warriors making short work of their foes.

When the horrors lay dead in twin crumples, oozing black blood, Cullen turned his attention to the far end of the courtyard. Stairs led up into what was, presumably, a hall and guarding the top were more horrors and two heavily armored guards. _Come out Samson_ , Cullen thought as a low growl built in his throat. _Come out and fight_. 

"Watch out!" 

An arrow whizzed past Cullen's left cheek. He felt a sharp sting as the arrowhead cut through his skin. He whirled, catching sight of a red Templar archer taking aim again. The next arrow never came for a rocky fist of green Fade energy smashed into the archer and sent him flying. He ended up about twenty yards away, body cracking against a pillar, spine arching grotesquely. The archer's bow fell from his outstretched hand and then the archer lay at the base of the pillar in a jumble of limp limbs. 

Cullen turned to see Shai's staff glowing brightly, her teeth bared, feet still planted in the stance she'd taken as she disposed of his assailant. She met his gaze, briefly, before her eyes widened and she wrenched her staff back, the long weapon turning into a blur as she whipped it around her body. Three consecutive bolts of fire shot past him on either side and he didn't need to look to know they were connecting with whatever enemy meant him--and the rest--harm. 

He heard the scream of agony that meant another Templar's flesh was currently on fire. When he did re-face the rest of the courtyard, he saw that one of the guards from the top of the stairs was now the same color as his black armor. The remaining guard and the two horrors, otherwise untouched, were charging madly towards their party. 

Bull bellowed something unintelligible--or perhaps it would have been intelligible if Cullen spoke the Qunari language, which he did not. The massive warrior took the head off one of the horrors with one giant swing of his great axe. The red Templar guard seemed to falter then tried to regroup, but Blackwall was on him before he could, the faux Grey Warden's blade burying itself skillfully between a gap in armor. The remaining horror, in the face of his comrades gruesome deaths, turned and lumbered towards the dark entrance of the hall. 

Before the horror could reach safety, the ground beneath it turned a bright orange and the creature was flung into the air, landing with a sickening thud, smoke curling from its deformed body. 

"Take that you filth," Dorian remarked mildly from behind Cullen. He was just about to congratulate the Mage on a well timed parting shot when the ground beneath their feet began to tremble in the rhythm of something large walking. 

"That doesn't sound good," came Blackwall's congested tone. 

All of their eyes flicked to the dark entrance of the hall where something massive was emerging. Cullen's eyes bugged as a behemoth stepped into the sunlight, its entire form made from red lyrium, its right arm dragged down by the massive claw that took the place of a hand below the wrist. On its head was perched a steel helmet that seemed ridiculous in light of how indestructible the creature looked.

"At least its not a giant," Dorian said. "Suledin was full of giants."

"Hardly better," Blackwall said, spitting to the side. "Let's send the bastard back to oblivion."   

They did just that, Shai trapping what she could of the behemoth in another static cage, Dorian conjuring successive fire runes beneath its feet, Cullen, Blackwall, and the Iron Bull rushing in with swords, shields, and great axe. Black blood flew in all directions, soiling the three warriors, splashing across cuirasses and bare faces. Chunks of red lyrium were hewn from the behemoth as blades and magic crashed into what served as its body. 

The monstrosity gave an inhuman bellow of rage and suddenly rushed forward. Cullen was thrown from its path, surprised at its abrupt leap into mobility. He smacked into the bannister of the stairs on which they battled, the solid stone rattling his cuirass and sending the breath from his lungs. Blackwall and Bull were both sprawled across the stairs, pushing themselves back to their feet. And the behemoth--

An inarticulate cry left Cullen's throat as he watched Shai and Dorian fly backwards as the behemoth brought its clawed fist down before them, striking the ground with earth shattering ferocity. When the dust cleared, he could see only Dorian struggling to his hands and knees, blood streaming from a gash across his forehead. 

Cullen's head whipped wildly from side to side, eyes scanning the courtyard for Shai's familiar figure. She couldn't have been--no, he'd watched her be flung from the behemoth's vicinity. It hadn't crushed her... _it hadn't_. There was a yell--a challenging cry--then a blur of motion and Shai was standing no more than ten feet from the behemoth. Flames licked up her arms, encasing her limbs from shoulder to fingers.

She raised her staff, holding it like a club, then brought it down hard, the head slamming into the ground in what should have been a hard enough blow to snap the weapon in two. But it held and instead the sky immediately overhead the behemoth turned into a dark swirling vortex. A dull roar filled the air and, in the next instant, what appeared to be meteors were shooting from the vortex. 

The flaming projectiles struck the behemoth on all sides, drowning out the monstrosity's bellow of confusion and pain. Just like at Therinfal when he saw Shai fight for the first time with devastating explosions of fire and lightning, Cullen found himself reminded that there was little power that could rival a Mage's...and there were little Mages who could rival the way _his_  Inquisitor fought.  

It was over in seconds. When the vortex finally cleared, the behemoth lay dead, a shattered mess of lyrium that was now a dull maroon instead of the usual bubbling crimson. 

Shai returned her staff to her back and walked over to Dorian, kneeling to hook her hands beneath his arm. She pulled him up, taking his unsteady weight until he was alright to remain on his own. The Tevinter Mage said something, probably a thank you or a curse, and Shai nodded. She joined the rest of them on the stairs, Dorian right behind her albeit moving with a hesitant limp. 

"Are you alright?" Cullen asked as soon as she was in earshot. He reached for her, realized both his hands were otherwise occupied with sword and shield, then stood before her lamely, working to convey the fullness of his concern through his eyes alone. 

"I'm fine," Shai replied. She raked her fingers through her hair, pulling obtrusive strands away from where they lingered in her face. "At least, I don't think I broke anything." She winced and shifted. "Fuck, that hurt." 

"Dorian?" Bull asked, looking over Shai's head. "You ok?" 

"Just a few scrapes. Nothing too serious." The Tevinter waved off the concern, but the paleness of his face beneath his normal bronzed pallor told a different story, as did the tightness of his mouth. He wiped absently at the blood crusting his forehead. "I believe I'll survive." 

"Maker's balls, that thing moved fast," Blackwall remarked, looking at what remained of the behemoth. 

"Let's hope more aren't inside," Shai said. "I don't think I could take another of those things." 

"I second that," Dorian agreed, grimacing. 

"We should keep moving," Cullen said after casting a lingering look over Shai. He would really like to drop everything and physically make sure she was truly unharmed but he couldn't do so here. That had been an agreement set between them: their personal romance wouldn't overshadow their professionalism in their duties. 

They continued into the Shrine of Dumat's hall. The temperature was colder inside, yet there was the unmistakable acrid scent of smoke in the air and the crackling of flames came to their ears. As they progressed, coming out onto a sort of landing, Shai drew in a sharp breath. 

"This place is already half destroyed." She pointed and Cullen and the rest followed her trajectory. Fire leaped up from what looked to be a pit but was probably what was left of the lower level of the shrine. There were fallen pillars and assorted rubble decorating most of the interior.

"Samson knew we were coming," Cullen spit. He felt his temper start to burn hot and all consuming. "He must've ordered his Templars to sack his headquarters so we couldn't...coward."

"So he's gone then?" Blackwall asked, dark brows drawn down over his eyes.

"I can't imagine why he would remain in a place that's literally burning down around our ears." Cullen heard the hardness in his voice, the frustration at being thwarted right when he so needed to be allowed a victory. Of course Samson had known they were coming. How could he have thought this would go any differently? Hadn't he served alongside the man in the Order for some time? Had he really thought a man like Samson wouldn't try and stay one step ahead of the enemy at all times?

A hand squeezed his arm and he looked to his left but Shai wasn't returning his gaze. Her eyes were trained forward, on what was left of the Shrine of Dumat. Still, he felt reassured by her touch. He nodded, a short sharp gesture. 

Steadily, he led the way. There were more horrors, more guards, but no more behemoths thank the Maker. What enemies tried to waylay them were swiftly dealt with. But the further into the shrine they drew, the worse Cullen felt the power of the red lyrium. As it did anywhere the corrupted Templars set up camp, the substance sprouted from whatever available surface it could find. Its twisted song, as it had been in future Redcliffe, was so strong it made Cullen's teeth ache. 

He tried to avert his eyes, to keep them trained on a fixed point ahead, to put one foot in front of the other. But it grew harder and harder to do so. He found his gaze pulled to the lyrium more than he liked. He found his steps slowed whenever they passed a growth of it and his hand twitched in its direction. Nausea roiled in his stomach and he tasted a metallic bile in his mouth. He felt lightheaded and black dots swam occasionally before his vision. 

Shai stayed with him as they moved, her body close enough he need have shifted only slightly to brush her hand with his own. He was grateful for her silent support and he latched onto it greedily, steeling his jaw, refusing to let his focus shift from the task at hand. 

The air grew harder to breathe the further into the shrine they moved. The fires were more plentiful towards the back and they had to watch where they stepped. Twice Cullen felt flames licking the leather of his boots and pulled his foot back just in time to avoid a nasty burn.

Then at last they were before a great ornate door. Cullen's head fell back as he craned his neck to see just how far up the door reached. It was massive, a deterrent, something to keep people out. He felt a sixth sense that whatever information they might glean from the ruined sanctuary was behind this door. 

There was the creaking of hinges and the door swung open. The room it revealed was dark, lit only by the gruesome light the massive growths of red lyrium inside provided. 

"I've seen some pretty freaky shit," the Iron bull said with a low whistle. "But the way this stuff moves has to be at the top of the list." 

It was true that behind the hard surface of the red lyrium, something _alive_ twisted and turned on itself, always shifting, watching. Cullen's nostrils flared and he found very little to look at that wasn't red. More Templar banners hung inside here as well and slumped beneath one, resting against something that could have been a desk but was now an indiscernible shape, was a Mage in soot streaked robes. The Mark of Tranquility on the Mage's forehead was made all the more prominent by his shaved head. 

"Hello Inquisitor," the Mage said in a perfectly level voice before anyone could speak. 

"You know me?" Shai asked, taken aback. Cullen's eyes closed briefly. He sighed, opened them, then sank to his knees beside the Mage. 

"It's Maddox. Samson's tranquil." He perused Maddox's pale face, the way sweat beaded on the Mage's brow, the eyes dulled by more than the Rite of Tranquility. "Something's wrong. Do we have any healing potions?"

"That would be a waste, Knight-Captain Cullen."

Cullen stiffened beneath the use of his old title. It still felt as if someone had knocked him in the gut whenever he heard it.

"I drank my entire supply of blightcap essence," Maddox continued, "It shouldn't be long now."

"Poison?" Shai said. "Why? Why kill yourself? We wouldn't have done anything to you."

"Sorry bastard," Blackwall mumbled, his words not quite entirely going unheard.

"We only wanted to ask you questions," Shai said.

"Yes, that is what I couldn't allow," Maddox explained. His tongue flicked out over dry and cracked lips. _It must be pure agony_ , Cullen thought. The veins beneath Maddox's skin were standing out in sharp relief. His flesh looked paper thin, as if the slightest touch would tear it. "I destroyed the camp with fire. We all agreed it was best. Our deaths ensured Samson had time to escape."

"You threw your lives away for Samson?" Cullen's voice rose and he wrangled it back down. Still, his words echoed sharply in the otherwise silent room. "Why?"

"Samson saved me even before he needed me. He gave me purpose again...I...wanted...to help..." Maddox's eyes began a slow roll back into his head, the whites the only thing showing after a second before the Tranquil Mage slumped to the side, dead.

Cullen's stomach clenched. He bowed his head. Yet another life senselessly lost. The notion shouldn't have been anything new to him after Haven, after everything the Inquisition had encountered so far. But it was. He figured it always would be. He pushed to his feet, the office of the Commander overriding his sentimentality. "We should check the camp...Maddox may have missed something."

"We should give him a proper burial," Shai said lowly, her eyes boring into Cullen's almost as if she expected him to say no. He saw the small flash of surprise when he nodded. 

"If even Samson did his best for Maddox, we can do no less."

"I'll do it," Blackwall volunteered, stepping forward. "I imagine the forest just outside would be a fine enough place." 

"I'll help," Bull said. "We'll need to gather some wood for the pyre. It'll go faster with two people." 

"I imagine you'll need some fire then," Dorian said. He leaned against a non-lyrium infested wall, his strength evidently not returning anytime soon. "I believe I should be of some assistance there." 

Shai nodded in acceptance of the plan. Blackwall came forward to lift Maddox, the Mage rising bonelessly off the floor and settling into the warrior's arms. Then Blackwall, Bull, and Dorian left the room, the latter using his staff as a walking stick. Cullen watched them disappear through the doorway then, feeling Shai's gaze upon him, looked to her. 

"Are you alright?" She asked, her face instantly dropping into a mask of worry. 

"I'm fine." 

"No, you're not." She stepped closer. He swallowed and broke eye contact. "Cullen, I'm sorry." 

He met her gaze again. "So am I. I should have known. I should have planned for this. I should have--" 

"You still got us here. You found out where Samson had gone. With any luck we'll find something here that Dagna can use." 

"You're right," Cullen breathed after a few moments. It still didn't take the sting out of Samson anticipating their arrival and fleeing like the rat he was, but it was something that would allow them not to come away empty handed. Together, he and Shai searched the room, rifling through what papers were strewn across the floor, careful with those that were partly singed, not wanting to cause the damaged paper to crumple into ashes. 

"I found something!" Shai called from the other side of the room. Cullen was temporarily unable to answer, for he'd found something as well. A message...for him...from Samson: _Drink enough lyrium and it's song reveals the truth. The Chantry used us, you're fighting the wrong battle. Corypheus chose me as his General, and his vessel of power_ \--

"Cullen?" 

He jumped. Shai was standing beside his elbow, craning her neck to get a look at the paper in his hand.

"What is it?"

"Here." He handed the message to her, his fingers briefly brushing against her own. The impulse to seize her hand, if only for a moment of comfort in this place of horror and despair, overcame him but he tamped it down. There would be time enough for that back at Skyhold.

Shai scanned the message, pale green eyes tracking rapidly back and forth. "The ravings of a lunatic," she pronounced when she'd finished Samson's manifesto.

"Does he think I'll understand?" Cullen asked harshly. "What does he know? Corypheus will cast him aside when he's no longer useful."

"Insanity rarely sees sense," Shai murmured. "It wouldn't give it much longevity if it did."

Cullen grunted. They set to work searching again only to both come up empty handed with anything useful. On mutual agreement they left the room and emerged back into the main part of the shrine.

"We should go find the rest," Shai said. "They're probably close to being done."

"Agreed," Cullen said softly. They had only taken a few steps in the direction of the entrance when Shai gave a surprised cry and Cullen whirled, unsheathing his sword, readying himself for an attack. But no more corrupted Templars were anywhere in sight and indeed Shai was leaving his side, not pressing closer to it, to maneuver her way around rubble to a desk tucked out of the way. She reached out, snagged something from the desk top, then turned to him.

In her hand she held a strangely shaped piece of iron that Cullen could think of no practical use for. "What do you suppose this is?" she asked.

Cullen shook his head. "I have no idea."

"There are more of them."

"Could they be...tools of some sort?"

"Could be." Shai's voice was speculative. She picked a few more of the iron pieces off the desk. "Could these be Maddox's things?" She spoke haltingly as if volunteering an idea she thought would be shot down immediately. But Cullen's eyes narrowed in thought and he came to stand just behind her shoulder.

"They could be...if Maddox used these to make Samson's armor..."

"Then Dagna could use them to unmake it," Shai finished. 

"We have him," Cullen breathed, excitement starting to flow throughout his body. He clamped down on it, holding it at bay. No use in getting ahead of himself. The tools could turn out to be useless or completely unrelated. But he didn't feel they were. In his gut he felt they were _exactly_ what they needed.  


	69. The Arbor Wilds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I can fully form an adequate apology for the weeks I skipped in updating (without any warning). I just really lost motivation to finish this story. But its back now...I think. Anyways, *disclaimer* this is not going to be the most bang up chapter I've ever written, but at least its a continuation. And hey, its up a day early so that's something.

Shai tugged at the laces of her right bracer, the ties slipping through her fingers the rougher she handled them. She couldn't help it. Her nerves were shot. Days on the road marching towards what could prove to be certain death could do that to a person. She yanked the laces and the bottom half unthreaded.

"Fuck."

Two hands came into her field of vision. One removed her own while its brother cupped her forearm gently. "Here, allow me."

Cullen's voice was low, so low Shai almost didn't hear it. She glanced at her lover. His head was bowed, hiding his face from her view, but she caught the edges of the frown he wore, a frown that hadn't left his brow the entire time they'd marched to the Arbor Wilds. Cullen was frayed, hanging onto his composure by a thread. That much was painfully clear.

He'd been short with her on the road, never having more than a few words to throw her way at a time. At first she had let it go, lost as she was in her own concerns for what awaited the Inquisition in the Wilds. But then her irritation at his brusqueness had overshadowed her nerves for the time being and she had turned a cold shoulder his way in response. If he wanted to sulk over something, so be it. She didn't have time for mood swings, not when she could be...dead by the end of all this.

Then three nights before they reached the outskirts of the Wilds, Cullen had come to her when the rest of the camp had fallen silent for the night. And before she could protest, he had swept her into his--thankfully--unarmored embrace and buried his face in her neck. And then Shai had understood his brusqueness came from fear. Pure, unadulterated fear that he was escorting her to the last battle she would ever fight, and the man had no idea how to go about dealing with it. 

"You will come back," Cullen had whispered thickly, squeezing her so tightly her breath was forced from her lungs. Tension had lined his entire frame, heaviest in his shoulders. "You _will_ come back."

Shai hadn't known whether he was telling her that or reassuring himself, so she had remained silent for everything had crashed upon her in that instant: All her doubts and insecurities about facing Corypheus even with the whole of the Inquisition at her back. She'd swallowed down a lump in her throat and clung to Cullen like he was the only thing keeping her standing. The whole of the Inquisition hadn't been enough at Haven; but they were stronger now, bolstered by those who sought and end to the madness. Perhaps this time they would succeed. _Hopefully_ , they would succeed. 

"Thanks," Shai said as Cullen's fingers deftly did up her bracer in the present.

Instead of relinquishing his hold on her arm, his fingers tightened and he raised his eyes to hers. They were a churning mess of emotion but she watched the exact moment he pushed them all to the side. 

"Are you ready?" He asked. 

"I'm supposed to say yes...aren't I?" Bile rose in her throat. She swallowed it. 

Cullen's mouth tightened. "No. Though...it doesn't matter either way." 

"No, I suppose not now it wouldn't." Shai looked around the forward camp. Grand Duke Gaspard--well, no, he was the Emperor now--stood chatting with his Captains. Orlesian soldiers in their shining silver armor and brightly plumed helms stuck out like sore thumbs among the Inquisition's more muted colors of olive and rust. But Shai was grateful for the Empire's forces nonetheless. 

Her advisors had done a bang up job combining their forces for one final push. Leliana's agents had been hard at work burning the encampments of red Templars throughout the Wilds. Josephine had been sending ravens non-stop from Skyhold's tower, the black birds carrying missives with inky calls to arms. And Cullen had pulled his soldiers together, drilling them from sun up to sun down, turning them into one massive body of strength. The Inquisition would not go quietly from the face of Thedas if this was to be their last stand, of that Shai knew for certain. 

"Look--"

Shai's gaze swept back around to Cullen. His eyes were searching hers and the emotion was back in their golden depths, speckled with an underlying pain. Pain from what? Not having enough time? To (maybe) be saying their final goodbyes? An explosion rocked through the air and Shai reflexively ducked. A column of smoke rose over the tree tops to the north. 

"Commander!" 

Shai and Cullen both turned as an Inquisition Captain strode over. The woman saluted. "There's a path for the Inquisitor cleared to the north where my last scouts reported Corypheus was heading. He's on his way to some sort of Temple, Your Worship. But we won't be able to hold the way for long." 

"Understood," Cullen replied. "Alert the Inquisitor's team. They leave shortly."

"Yes, Ser." The Captain saluted and whirled away, boots kicking up clouds of dust. She stopped about ten feet away, turning back to Shai. "Andraste guide you, Inquisitor." Then she was off again. 

"Well, if there was ever a time to pretend I'm Andraste's Herald, its now," Shai mumbled, intending for it to sound light. Cullen's mouth turned down at the corners. Reflexively, Shai cupped his cheek, forgetting for a moment where they were.

"Hey, don't look at me like that."

"You could _die_ out there." He hadn't come right out and said those exact words yet, but she'd known they were running in panicked circles inside his head. _Die, die, die, die, die_. Shai closed her eyes. 

"I won't."

"You can't know that." 

"You're right. I can't." Shai sighed and dropped her hand to run it through her hair. Her tresses had grown wildly since she'd hacked them off and she'd insisted Josephine procure her someone who was halfway decent with a pair of shears to return them to their shortened length. It was far less hassle in the field not having to worry about keeping a leather thong on hand to tie hair out of her face. "I'll try my best. That's all I can know." 

"Forgive me," Cullen said hastily. "I shouldn't have said that." 

"No, its probably a good idea one of us be realistic. It's just a crazed God-Magister with a demon dragon waiting for me at the end, how much worse could _that_  be than Alexius or Envy or any of the other fuckers I've been spending a year putting down?" Shai was breathing heavily and she calmed herself before the troops overheard. She spied Bull, Cassandra, Sera, and Dorian standing by the frontmost barricade, trying to look casual but unable to keep from sparing glances into the great beyond of the Wilds. Morrigan stood slightly apart from them, still as a statue.

Cullen's brows drew together and he squeezed his eyes shut, head scanting slightly to the side. When he spoke, his voice was forced. "I...I wanted to say something...something like...I don't know. I had _something_ for this and now I--there aren't words for how I'm _feeling_." 

"That makes two of us." Shai sighed again, eyes drifting to the sky where the dark plume of smoke was mostly dissipated. The backs of her eyes stung and she blinked quickly. No time for tears. It was time for action. "I...I should get going. The Captain said the path to the north won't hold for long." 

"We'll be right behind you," Cullen said, his hand gently cupping her elbow. "Should anything happen...I'll be there." 

"Don't get yourself killed," Shai teased, trying to smile but her lips wouldn't quite hold the expression. Cullen's eyes fell onto her mouth and her breath caught in her lungs. Surely he wouldn't...not in front of every--

He did, his lips soft against her own while his stubble rasped her chin and cheek. Then he was pulling away as swiftly as he'd leaned in. Shai blinked, expecting to hear cheers or whistles. But when she dared look at the ranks of soldiers, they were all turned away, engaged in conversation or sharpening weapons or doing whatever else soldiers pretended they'd been doing all along when, in actuality, they'd been watching their commanding officer plant one on their other commanding officer. 

Shai's cheeks flamed. "Now they'll never stop talking about us." 

"Let them talk," Cullen intoned lowly. His fingers traced across her cheek, sliding up then around to cup the back of her head. He drew her towards him and his mouth pressed against her brow. 

"Please be safe," he murmured, his breath making her shiver. He pulled away, color a little high but eyes clear and sharp. "I'll be waiting for you."

+++++++

"Tilt your head back, Boss."

"I know how to deal with a broken nose, Bull."

"Then tilt your head back and quit looking down."

"Just load her up with a few potions, yeah? That should work," Sera put in.

"Oh move out of the way. A spell will do the trick."

"Hey." Shai held up a hand, keeping Dorian at arm's length. "I remember how you 'fixed' Cullen's nose in Redcliffe." 

"Well this time I'll do it right," the Tevinter said, rolling his eyes.

"If you're doubting the ability of your friend, I'd be more than happy to assist," Morrigan offered, side eyeing Dorian. For a second Shai thought he'd stick out his tongue in petulance. 

"If you all could get on with it," Cassandra rebuked. "We still have quite a bit of ground to cover."  

"Carefully," Shai said, holding up a finger to Dorian as a warning. She closed her eyes and let his fingertips flutter over her face, feeling the heat of his healing magic and then the soothing coolness as it seeped into her body. Her nose throbbed painfully for a few seconds, then itched, and then it was done.

"Try it out," Dorian said, stepping back as Shai opened her eyes.

She wiggled the appendage, scrunched it up, and finding no blood beginning to gush forth at her motions, decided her companion had made good on his promise and performed his healing spell correctly. "Thanks." She got to her feet, using her staff to pull herself up.

"Are we ready?" Cassandra asked, nodding towards the broken stone archway--the Wilds were full of them--that would lead further into the dense forest.

The Seeker led the way, hand never straying far from her sword hilt, Morrigan trailing just slightly behind. Dorian and Shai followed on their heels while Bull and Sera took up the rear, weapons at the ready as they made sure their team wasn't flanked.

Beneath the canopy of tree branches and leaves, the Wilds felt like a hidden away sanctuary. The grass was dense and muffled their footfalls. Birds tittered and flitted overhead. The sounds of a stream gurgling as it swept over rocks and sand, on its way to join up with some larger body of water, was a comforting background noise. The only things that disturbed the otherwise peaceful surroundings were the large patches of blood decorating the ground, the smoke filling the air, the distant but unmistakable noise of fighting...and the bodies they stepped carefully over.

Inquisition soldiers and red Templars lay crumpled together in death; that final resting place did not discriminate about who it welcomed, it was there for everyone regardless of affiliation. Weapons were scattered about the bodies, fallen from suddenly useless fingers as a final blow severed a head or stabbed through a chest. Shai noted with grim satisfaction that the Inquisition didn't seem to have as many casualties as the Templars.

"Leliana!" Cassandra suddenly barked, and surged forward, sword rasping as it was drawn from its sheath.

Shai swung her staff off her back, feeling her palms heat with magic. The Spymaster was raining arrows down from where she perched on a half-erect stone archway. Red Templars looked to retreat from the onslaught of projectiles, but were met by Inquisition soldiers instead of safety. They were pinioned between arrow and blade and with mighty roars they clashed with the Inquisition. 

"Inquisitor!" Leliana shouted, never breaking stride with her arrows. "Do not stop! Corypheus is just ahead. We can handle--"

Her words were cut off as a lithe form leapt from thin air, twin daggers poised to strike. The Spymaster whirled and narrowly avoided having two chunks ripped out of her back. Her arm shot out and a single knife embedded itself in her assailant's throat. The assailant crumpled with a strangled yell, the fight over before it had really begun. Shai and her team hastened to the fallen enemy, the clamor caused by the Inquisition soldiers and the red Templars dwindled as Corypheus' slaves fell to the opposing force. 

"Elves?" Cassandra said, eyebrows shooting to her hairline. 

Shai frowned down at the body that was unmistakably pointed of ear and dressed in familiar tight fitting, shoeless armor."Elves?" she reiterated, mind working sluggishly through her confusion. "There are elves here?" 

"There shouldn't be," Dorian said haltingly. "...Should there?" 

"Some say the Arbor Wilds are inhabited by dryads," Morrigan murmured, golden eyes bright with interest. "Perhaps the stories are true."  

"So there's things here we didn't know about. Pfft. Big deal," Sera said. "Everywhere we go there's things we didn't know about. Like What’s-his-lumps."

"Could they be helping Corypheus?" Bull wondered aloud.

"I should hope not," Leliana said. "My men were all over this area and they never once reported elves here. If Corypheus has indeed swayed some to his side...Proceed with all caution, Inquisitor."

Shai nodded, a dull familiar sense of resignation settling in her stomach. Of course, there just had to be one extra thing that went wrong. 


End file.
